NewsRadio (1995) s03e12 Episode Script
Rap
[.]
LISA: No, I understand.
I just don't think I can do it.
No, really.
I-I'm very flattered, but I just don't feel right about this.
No, no-- Attention! Lisa, Well, I-- time for staff meeting.
Time-- Beth.
What? I'm on the phone.
But I am on the megaphone.
Megaphone wins.
Could you excuse me, please? It's kind of personal.
Are you pregnant? No! What's so personal? It's nothing, really.
Can you please start the meeting? I'll be there soon.
Attention, Bill! Time for staff meeting.
Hello? Hi.
Yeah, sorry about that.
At any rate I really just don't think-- Yes.
Beth wanted me to tell you there's a meet-- I know.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, you pregnant? No! Hello? Hi.
Yes.
Yeah, I-I know, I-I understand, and I don't-- I don't wanna seem ungrateful.
It's just that-- I'm not really-- I'm not really that comfortable with this, and I BETH: I understand all that, and they explained all that.
Again, it's very nice.
It just isn't the kind of thing that I do.
And plus, it's not like there aren't a lot of other people-- Ah! [THUMP.]
What the hell's wrong with you? BILL: Nice one.
JOE: Way to go, dude.
Jeez, Matthew.
[.]
[.]
LISA: Mr.
James, I need some advice.
What happened is, New York Magazine is doing this special "Best of New York" issue, Mm-hmm.
and they called, and they want me to be in it.
Well, that-- Well, that's terrific.
Best, uh Best reporter in New York? No, that's not exactly the category.
Oh.
Then what-- What is it? It's, uh Oh, it's stupid.
Never mind.
Oh, come on.
It's stupid.
I can't tell.
You can tell me.
No.
[GOOFILY.]
It's your Uncle Jimmy.
What? [GOOFILY.]
It's your Uncle Jimmy.
Cutest reporter in New York.
Cutest-- What--? Why, that-- That's great! They take your picture and everything? Yeah.
Oh, that is great.
What's great? Lisa, Lisa.
She's gonna-- Uh, uh, Uncle Jimmy Oh, I got-- I gotcha.
I gotcha.
[LAUGHS.]
Uncle Jimmy? Yeah, it's-- JIMMY: Hey, everybody! New York Magazine named Lisa Miller cutest reporter in New York! [OFFICE CHEERING.]
DAVE: Well Well, that is great.
No, it's not great.
It's demeaning and it's stupid and it's silly, and I'm not gonna do it.
Hey! Come on in! Hey.
There she is! Congratulations! Congratulations! [CHEERING & AP PLAUSE.]
[.]
You installed the stereo yourself.
Aren't you morally obligated to service it for free? I was.
Your warranty ran out last week.
That's a lie.
When did I sell it to you? I don't know.
Seven or eight months ago.
Oh, look.
It ran out yesterday.
Damn.
What's wrong with it? I don't know, it just doesn't sound right.
Listen.
[MUFFLED RAP MUSIC BLARING.]
Sorry, I like it loud.
Ah, change the station, dude.
Uh, it's not a radio station.
That's a CD.
You actually listen to this garbage? It's not garbage, Joe.
It's rap music, and I love it.
The wild rhythms, pulsating bass lines, this stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.
Look, Bill, I can fix it, but, uh, this is gonna cost you.
This is a highly sophisticated piece of electronics, you know? I gotta look at schematics-- Fine, fine.
Perhaps my friend, Mister Franklin.
Right.
Perhaps my friend Mr.
Franklin can persuade you.
Yeah.
That should cover it.
Let's see here.
Oh, look.
[MUSIC PLAYS NORMALLY.]
There, it's fixed.
How on Earth did you do that? You see that knob there? The one marked "treble"? Yeah, you had it turned all the way down.
Should be able to hear all the words now.
There are words? All right, look, I did not ask for this stupid award.
If I were you I would be upset too.
I mean, you, cute? Come on.
Well I'm not entirely uncute.
Uh-- Why are you being nasty about this? I'm not being nasty.
You're pretty.
You're very pretty, in fact.
But cute? I don't think so.
Well, I wasn't aware that there was a difference.
Well, of course there's a difference.
"Pretty" means pretty.
"Cute" means pretty, but short and/or hyperactive, like me! Uh-huh.
Well, what is "beautiful"? "Beautiful" means pretty and tall.
"Gorgeous"? Pretty with great hair.
"Striking.
" Pretty with a big nose.
Okay, you're making this up.
That's ridiculous.
Why would I make it up? "Voluptuous.
" Pretty and fat.
"Sexy"? Pretty and easy.
"Exotic"? Ugly.
You know, I don't understand what this has to do with anything.
Look, once they start calling pretty people "cute," it devalues the whole word.
What's gonna happen next? Cute exotic people? Cute sexy people? It is very important that the word "cute" remain precise terminology to the people who truly have cuteness, like me! All right, all right.
Now, hold it.
all right? Hold it, Beth.
Now, don't take it out on Lisa.
It's not her fault that she's cute.
She's not cute.
She's pretty.
Okay.
Then what am I? Sexy.
[GIGGLING.]
Thank you.
[.]
CATHERINE: Bill, what's wrong? Have you ever heard rap music? Does Sir Mix-a-Lot like booty? It's an outrage! Listen to this.
Actual rap lyrics.
"Life ain't nothin' butgritches and money.
" Only they don't say "gritches," they say a certain word that rhymes with it that starts with a B.
"Britches"? Britches I thought-- I thought you liked rap.
I did! But that was before I knew it had words.
[GIGGLING.]
Wait.
You didn't know it had words? Well, why did you think they call it "rap"? I thought it was just because of the rhythm.
You know, "rap-rap, rappity-tap.
" Then there's the way rappers refer to each other with a certain word which-- Which I won't even repeat.
Mm.
What word? The N word.
Ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Nerd"? Worse.
Worse than "nerd"? Um I don't-- This is a tough one.
Um Listen to me, this stuff is available everywhere! I mean, if it were only sold through the classifieds in the back of porn mags Porn mags have classified ads in the back? Yes.
I-- So I hear.
Are you gonna be rantin' about this for a long time? You better believe it, buster.
Because as long as any trusting citizen can walk into a record store and pick this up-- Joe! "Naked.
" "Nincompoop"? Hey! Now, I'll excuse it this time.
But I don't ever wanna hear you use that word again.
You hear me? Nincompoop-- Yeah! Okay.
Sorry.
Hi.
Hey.
Listen, thank you for helping me out with Beth back there.
Don't push it, okay? What? I'm probably even more upset about it than Beth is.
I just hide it better.
So don't push it.
All right, why on Earth would you be upset about this? I'm upset because if there was ever an award I deserve, this is it.
Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that cuteness was so high on your list of career goals.
Look, for as long as I've been in this business, every time I've gotten a promotion, people have always said that it was because of Well, you know what.
'Cause you're black? What? No.
Because of these! And this.
And the one time these and this should get me something, it goes to somebody with Egh.
With what? With those.
And that.
Okay.
No offense, no offense.
Okay, all right, okay.
These may not bethose, but th-that isn't too shabby.
My ass.
Oh, okay.
Well, you know, that may be nice but, honey, come on.
All right, all right.
You know? I I cannot believe this thing is making us turn on each other.
All right, hold on, Lisa.
Now just because we're talking about these and those and this and that, doesn't mean you're turnin' me on.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
No.
I don't mean turn-- I mean turning-- Turning on.
Turning on.
Not turning on.
Mmmm-hmmmm.
All right.
Listen to this.
"I don't want none unless you got buns, hon.
" Understandably, Bill, I'm a little hurt, but if that's how you really feel [CHUCKLES.]
And you know what the name of that track is? "Baby Got Back.
" Teenagers can buy this.
So could the elderly.
I decided to do an on-air editorial.
Draw a line in the sand, as it were.
Can I make a suggestion? Shoot.
Put aside the editorial, invent a time machine.
Travel back to the year 1988, and you might actually be one of the first thousand journalists to break this story.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? It's too hot! You don't wanna burn your fingers.
Well, someone's gotta open American eyes about this.
All right, Bill, but promise me one thing.
You'll stay away from the lambada! That forbidden dance is a powder keg ready to blow.
I'll promise you nothing! Hey, Bill.
Oh, please.
The cute act might cut it over at New York Magazine, but around here it's all about the work! Why is everybody yelling at me today? Well, you should know by now that cuteness has both the power to attract and repel.
Hey, kid! When's the big photo shoot? I'm not doing the shoot.
You're not doin' the shoot? What, are you crazy? Th-that's free advertising for the station.
Honey, free advertising, that's something you just can't buy.
However cute I may or may not be really has nothing to do with my competence as a journalist.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm willin' to bet there isn't a single licensed brew master on the Swedish bikini team either, but tell you what, those gals really know how to sell some beer.
Well, yeah, but that's advertising.
You know, advertising is inherently deceptive.
I'm sorry.
What? Advertising is deceptive.
[JIMMY SNAPS FINGERS.]
Lemme tell you something, little miss.
Advertising pays our bills, all right? Advertising pays your salary.
Advertising is what made this country great.
O-okay, maybe I misspoke-- What was the Constitution of the United States? A document-- No! It is an advertisement! An advertisement for liberty! "When in the course of human events" I'm telling you, that's right up there with, "Put a tiger in your tank," and, "Where's the beef?" Don't you understand?! Heck! I'm sorry.
I gotta get some air.
[SIGHS.]
I think maybe you should apologize.
Oh, he's not serious.
Hell, if it wasn't for advertising, you know what you two would be doing, huh?! You two'd be givin' out Sesame Street tote bags during PBS pledge breaks, except-- Except they wouldn't say "Sesame Street" on 'em.
Oh, no.
They wouldn't say that.
If they said that, that would be Ad-- Advertising! That's right! Hell, if you two had your way, there probably wouldn't even be any Sesame Street, would there? Would there?! Dave? Just reading some ads.
Not involved at all.
Yeah, that's right! There'd be no Ernie, would there? No, no.
There'd be no Bert.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye to Grover.
Bye-bye to Cookie Monster.
No.
There'd be no Snuffleupagus, would there? Forget the trash can, because there ain't no Oscar the Grouch.
Not to mention Kermit the damn Frog! I'll do the photo shoot.
What? I will do the photo shoot.
Oh, well, you know, I don't want you to do anything you don't wanna do.
[.]
"And I have to conclude that this threat "to the American way of life has been grossly misnamed.
"It's not rap music "it's crap music.
"And that's 'The McNeal Perspective.
'" Well congratulations, Bill, you've outdone yourself.
You really think so? Yes, yes.
I think this has to be the most idiotic thing you've ever written.
Um, h-he didn't write it.
I wrote it.
All right, then it's the most idiotic thing Matthew has ever written.
Wait a minute, they can't all be the most idiotic thing I've ever written.
And besides, you had no right to make Matthew do your work for you.
I didn't make him do it.
I paid him.
Quite handsomely, I might add.
Well, let's just-- Let's just say I was persuaded by Bill's friends Mister, uh Mr.
Lincoln, Mr.
Washington and Oh, Mr.
Washington again.
Well, I'm sorry.
No, Bill, you cannot do this editorial.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
What's goin' on here? Society's under siege, Jim, and Dave refuses to send in the reinforcements.
This about advertising? No.
It's about this.
Hey, I own that one.
You own this album? No, I own the company that distributes that album.
Oh, so that's why Dave's trying to kill this story.
I guess it's all about the almighty dollar, huh? No, Bill, it's not just about the almighty dollar.
It's also about the plucky little dime and the omniscient nickel and the ferocious quarter.
[GROWLS.]
I think this is a time to remember the most important things are the ones money cannot buy.
I'm sorry.
What? Well done, Bill.
I'm gonna jump to the end and work my way backwards.
Do you like Ernie and Bert? What are you talking about? Well, I like Bert.
Well, I don't "like" like Bert.
He's just a puppet.
[.]
LISA: Yeah, so I couldn't cancel the photo shoot because I had given Jimmy my word.
But he didn't say anything about them turning me down.
So? So I called up the magazine, and I told them that we unanimously objected to being judged in any way by a criteria of cuteness.
It's disgusting.
And inaccurate.
And then I told them that if they wanted a photo it would have to include either all of us or none of us.
All or none.
Right on, sister.
Okay, so, what did they say? [LAUGHS.]
They said that they would love to have all of us.
Actually, I think his quote was, "If the other two are as cute as you are, the more the merrier.
" Can you believe that? I mean, how sickening is that? What time are we supposed to be there? I gotta get my hair done.
Should I bring clothes, or will I have to wear some weird white jumpsuit or something? Wait, are you insane? You know, I just bought a new Versace blouse-- Wait a minute.
Why is--? Everybody is insane today.
So it won't be a problem? Nah, no problem at all.
In fact, one little phone call's all it's gonna take.
Mm-hmm? Yeah.
Chuck always, uh, always loves to do a favor for the big man.
Right.
Of course, I'll have to pay him.
Well, greed has never been one of your vices, sir.
[CRACKS KNUCKLES.]
I'm sorry.
What? Greed is good.
Money is everything.
I love Big Bird.
Please make the call.
Oh, okay.
[.]
[CAMERA SNAPS.]
[CAMERA SNAPS.]
May I help you? Hi.
I'm here for the shoot.
And which shoot would that be? Um [MUTTERS.]
cutest reporter in New York.
Excuse me? Cutest reporter in New York.
I didn't ask for the award.
You Lisa Miller? Yes.
Hello, I'm Randy.
Hi.
I thought they said it was a three-person shoot.
It is.
They'll be here in a minute.
Okay.
Well, if it's kosher with you, I'd like to do some test shots before they get here.
Sure, go ahead.
Oh, you mean with me.
Well, only if you don't mind.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, I guess.
Why not? Yeah, right there.
Yeah, that's, uh, great.
Yeah.
Can we try and loosen it up a touch? Yeah, sure.
Um Lisa, darling, where is that cute girl we're looking for? Ah, see, I knew-- Ah! There she is! Perfect! [CAMERA SNAPPING.]
No, no, no.
I really don't feel comfortable portraying something that's not representative Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'msorry.
No, it's okay.
I mean, it's not-- That's the stuff! Perfect! No, no, no.
That's the way! You're so cute! I'm really That's great.
Comfy! not comfortable.
Three, two [CAMERA SNAPPING.]
The time is 4:30, and now the "McNeal Perspective.
" A plague afflicts America.
From sea to shining sea, Lady Liberty is endangered by a hideous new disease [OVER SPEAKER.]
called rap music.
Ah.
Hi.
So glad you could make it, MrD? What's up? You must be Dave.
Yes, how'd you know? Jimmy told me to look for this polite guy that would be callin' me Mr.
D.
That's me.
You can call me Chuck.
Oh, thanks.
So where's the guy that's talkin' crazy things about rap lyrics, man? Oh, it's the guy in there that looks like he's talking crazy things about rap lyrics.
Uh, please, go right on in.
JIMMY: Hey, Chuck.
Hey, Jim.
How ya doin'? What's up? You all set? Yeah, it's straight.
All right.
You're gonna have fun? Yeah.
Okay.
Thanks a lot, man.
Oh, God, I don't know, Dave.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Why? Well, what if? What if Bill out-debates Chuck? Well, sir, I think you underestimate the tenacity of Bill's personal beliefs.
And what he believes in, above all else, is the importance of sucking up to famous people.
And that's "The McNeal Perspective.
" And now WNYX welcomes into its studios an authority on this type of highly questionable material.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Chuck D.
You're going to have to find a new name, my friend.
That one is already taken by someone in your industry.
Yeah, it's taken by me.
What's up? I'm Chuck D.
Welcome to the Terrordome! Once again, back is, the incredible, the rhyme animal, D.
Public Enemy number one, kickin' it live with yours truly, Biznill McNeal.
Welcome, Mr.
Chuck.
Thanks a lot.
Good to be here.
No, thank you.
So glad you could drop by.
What's on your mind? Well, first of all I heard you was shocked about the lyrics of rap music, and I'm here to tell you that rappers rhyme about what they see in their environment.
Yes, they do.
They tick-tock, and they don't stop, and none do it better than you.
More power to you, my man.
I thought we was here for a debate.
A debate? No.
How utterly wack that would be, yo.
Yeah, but just a minute ago, you was talkin' about how offensive the lyrics were of rap music.
This? Look, I just read this crap.
He's the guy who wrote it.
What's up? Hello.
All right, do you really think that rap music and the lyrics are cancerous to today's youth? Um I-- I do tend to exaggerate when I write.
Yeah.
Exaggerate.
Cool.
Mm-hmm.
Sometimes we exaggerate too.
But you exaggerate to make it more exciting, what you write, right? Well, yeah, 'cause in radio, it helps to, you know, jazz it up a little bit so that we create what we call a "word picture.
" Jazz it up.
Word picture.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
You know? Yeah.
I feel you.
Yeah.
We're two peas in the same pod.
Wellyou're doin' it to make money, though.
Didn't you get paid to write that editorial? Yes, I did.
That's right.
So sometimes it's about gettin' paid too.
Okay.
So we're no different, right? Oh.
You feel me? Yeah.
Whoops, sorry.
I'm gettin' paid too.
But you're gettin' paid sayi'' something that you don't even believe, some nonsense.
Yeah.
Right on.
Hey, can I get a picture with you? Excuse me.
Hey, where you guys been? Oh, we got held up in traffic.
How's it going? Is it fun? Well, yeah, once you let go, it's great.
They're not gonna make us do anything stupid, right? No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, this is my idea.
Besides, you know, if they ask us to do anything stupid, it's all for one, right? We can all just refuse.
Yeah, as long as we are controlling it.
Right? Absolutely.
Yeah.
[CAMERA SNAPPING.]
Come on.
Get in.
Lisa, where are you going? Where you going? Lisa, come back! Lisa! Please! Lisa! All right, if she's not gonna do it RANDY: Time is money.
[.]
Yeah, but just a minute ago, you was talkin' about how offensive the lyrics were of rap music.
Oh.
This? I just read this crap.
He's the one that wrote it.
[CHUCKLING.]
What's up? [WOMAN LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
How are you? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Um MAN: Okay, let's-- [ALL LAUGHING.]
LISA: No, I understand.
I just don't think I can do it.
No, really.
I-I'm very flattered, but I just don't feel right about this.
No, no-- Attention! Lisa, Well, I-- time for staff meeting.
Time-- Beth.
What? I'm on the phone.
But I am on the megaphone.
Megaphone wins.
Could you excuse me, please? It's kind of personal.
Are you pregnant? No! What's so personal? It's nothing, really.
Can you please start the meeting? I'll be there soon.
Attention, Bill! Time for staff meeting.
Hello? Hi.
Yeah, sorry about that.
At any rate I really just don't think-- Yes.
Beth wanted me to tell you there's a meet-- I know.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, you pregnant? No! Hello? Hi.
Yes.
Yeah, I-I know, I-I understand, and I don't-- I don't wanna seem ungrateful.
It's just that-- I'm not really-- I'm not really that comfortable with this, and I BETH: I understand all that, and they explained all that.
Again, it's very nice.
It just isn't the kind of thing that I do.
And plus, it's not like there aren't a lot of other people-- Ah! [THUMP.]
What the hell's wrong with you? BILL: Nice one.
JOE: Way to go, dude.
Jeez, Matthew.
[.]
[.]
LISA: Mr.
James, I need some advice.
What happened is, New York Magazine is doing this special "Best of New York" issue, Mm-hmm.
and they called, and they want me to be in it.
Well, that-- Well, that's terrific.
Best, uh Best reporter in New York? No, that's not exactly the category.
Oh.
Then what-- What is it? It's, uh Oh, it's stupid.
Never mind.
Oh, come on.
It's stupid.
I can't tell.
You can tell me.
No.
[GOOFILY.]
It's your Uncle Jimmy.
What? [GOOFILY.]
It's your Uncle Jimmy.
Cutest reporter in New York.
Cutest-- What--? Why, that-- That's great! They take your picture and everything? Yeah.
Oh, that is great.
What's great? Lisa, Lisa.
She's gonna-- Uh, uh, Uncle Jimmy Oh, I got-- I gotcha.
I gotcha.
[LAUGHS.]
Uncle Jimmy? Yeah, it's-- JIMMY: Hey, everybody! New York Magazine named Lisa Miller cutest reporter in New York! [OFFICE CHEERING.]
DAVE: Well Well, that is great.
No, it's not great.
It's demeaning and it's stupid and it's silly, and I'm not gonna do it.
Hey! Come on in! Hey.
There she is! Congratulations! Congratulations! [CHEERING & AP PLAUSE.]
[.]
You installed the stereo yourself.
Aren't you morally obligated to service it for free? I was.
Your warranty ran out last week.
That's a lie.
When did I sell it to you? I don't know.
Seven or eight months ago.
Oh, look.
It ran out yesterday.
Damn.
What's wrong with it? I don't know, it just doesn't sound right.
Listen.
[MUFFLED RAP MUSIC BLARING.]
Sorry, I like it loud.
Ah, change the station, dude.
Uh, it's not a radio station.
That's a CD.
You actually listen to this garbage? It's not garbage, Joe.
It's rap music, and I love it.
The wild rhythms, pulsating bass lines, this stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.
Look, Bill, I can fix it, but, uh, this is gonna cost you.
This is a highly sophisticated piece of electronics, you know? I gotta look at schematics-- Fine, fine.
Perhaps my friend, Mister Franklin.
Right.
Perhaps my friend Mr.
Franklin can persuade you.
Yeah.
That should cover it.
Let's see here.
Oh, look.
[MUSIC PLAYS NORMALLY.]
There, it's fixed.
How on Earth did you do that? You see that knob there? The one marked "treble"? Yeah, you had it turned all the way down.
Should be able to hear all the words now.
There are words? All right, look, I did not ask for this stupid award.
If I were you I would be upset too.
I mean, you, cute? Come on.
Well I'm not entirely uncute.
Uh-- Why are you being nasty about this? I'm not being nasty.
You're pretty.
You're very pretty, in fact.
But cute? I don't think so.
Well, I wasn't aware that there was a difference.
Well, of course there's a difference.
"Pretty" means pretty.
"Cute" means pretty, but short and/or hyperactive, like me! Uh-huh.
Well, what is "beautiful"? "Beautiful" means pretty and tall.
"Gorgeous"? Pretty with great hair.
"Striking.
" Pretty with a big nose.
Okay, you're making this up.
That's ridiculous.
Why would I make it up? "Voluptuous.
" Pretty and fat.
"Sexy"? Pretty and easy.
"Exotic"? Ugly.
You know, I don't understand what this has to do with anything.
Look, once they start calling pretty people "cute," it devalues the whole word.
What's gonna happen next? Cute exotic people? Cute sexy people? It is very important that the word "cute" remain precise terminology to the people who truly have cuteness, like me! All right, all right.
Now, hold it.
all right? Hold it, Beth.
Now, don't take it out on Lisa.
It's not her fault that she's cute.
She's not cute.
She's pretty.
Okay.
Then what am I? Sexy.
[GIGGLING.]
Thank you.
[.]
CATHERINE: Bill, what's wrong? Have you ever heard rap music? Does Sir Mix-a-Lot like booty? It's an outrage! Listen to this.
Actual rap lyrics.
"Life ain't nothin' butgritches and money.
" Only they don't say "gritches," they say a certain word that rhymes with it that starts with a B.
"Britches"? Britches I thought-- I thought you liked rap.
I did! But that was before I knew it had words.
[GIGGLING.]
Wait.
You didn't know it had words? Well, why did you think they call it "rap"? I thought it was just because of the rhythm.
You know, "rap-rap, rappity-tap.
" Then there's the way rappers refer to each other with a certain word which-- Which I won't even repeat.
Mm.
What word? The N word.
Ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Nerd"? Worse.
Worse than "nerd"? Um I don't-- This is a tough one.
Um Listen to me, this stuff is available everywhere! I mean, if it were only sold through the classifieds in the back of porn mags Porn mags have classified ads in the back? Yes.
I-- So I hear.
Are you gonna be rantin' about this for a long time? You better believe it, buster.
Because as long as any trusting citizen can walk into a record store and pick this up-- Joe! "Naked.
" "Nincompoop"? Hey! Now, I'll excuse it this time.
But I don't ever wanna hear you use that word again.
You hear me? Nincompoop-- Yeah! Okay.
Sorry.
Hi.
Hey.
Listen, thank you for helping me out with Beth back there.
Don't push it, okay? What? I'm probably even more upset about it than Beth is.
I just hide it better.
So don't push it.
All right, why on Earth would you be upset about this? I'm upset because if there was ever an award I deserve, this is it.
Okay, well, I'm sorry.
I didn't know that cuteness was so high on your list of career goals.
Look, for as long as I've been in this business, every time I've gotten a promotion, people have always said that it was because of Well, you know what.
'Cause you're black? What? No.
Because of these! And this.
And the one time these and this should get me something, it goes to somebody with Egh.
With what? With those.
And that.
Okay.
No offense, no offense.
Okay, all right, okay.
These may not bethose, but th-that isn't too shabby.
My ass.
Oh, okay.
Well, you know, that may be nice but, honey, come on.
All right, all right.
You know? I I cannot believe this thing is making us turn on each other.
All right, hold on, Lisa.
Now just because we're talking about these and those and this and that, doesn't mean you're turnin' me on.
No.
No, no, no.
No.
No.
I don't mean turn-- I mean turning-- Turning on.
Turning on.
Not turning on.
Mmmm-hmmmm.
All right.
Listen to this.
"I don't want none unless you got buns, hon.
" Understandably, Bill, I'm a little hurt, but if that's how you really feel [CHUCKLES.]
And you know what the name of that track is? "Baby Got Back.
" Teenagers can buy this.
So could the elderly.
I decided to do an on-air editorial.
Draw a line in the sand, as it were.
Can I make a suggestion? Shoot.
Put aside the editorial, invent a time machine.
Travel back to the year 1988, and you might actually be one of the first thousand journalists to break this story.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? It's too hot! You don't wanna burn your fingers.
Well, someone's gotta open American eyes about this.
All right, Bill, but promise me one thing.
You'll stay away from the lambada! That forbidden dance is a powder keg ready to blow.
I'll promise you nothing! Hey, Bill.
Oh, please.
The cute act might cut it over at New York Magazine, but around here it's all about the work! Why is everybody yelling at me today? Well, you should know by now that cuteness has both the power to attract and repel.
Hey, kid! When's the big photo shoot? I'm not doing the shoot.
You're not doin' the shoot? What, are you crazy? Th-that's free advertising for the station.
Honey, free advertising, that's something you just can't buy.
However cute I may or may not be really has nothing to do with my competence as a journalist.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm willin' to bet there isn't a single licensed brew master on the Swedish bikini team either, but tell you what, those gals really know how to sell some beer.
Well, yeah, but that's advertising.
You know, advertising is inherently deceptive.
I'm sorry.
What? Advertising is deceptive.
[JIMMY SNAPS FINGERS.]
Lemme tell you something, little miss.
Advertising pays our bills, all right? Advertising pays your salary.
Advertising is what made this country great.
O-okay, maybe I misspoke-- What was the Constitution of the United States? A document-- No! It is an advertisement! An advertisement for liberty! "When in the course of human events" I'm telling you, that's right up there with, "Put a tiger in your tank," and, "Where's the beef?" Don't you understand?! Heck! I'm sorry.
I gotta get some air.
[SIGHS.]
I think maybe you should apologize.
Oh, he's not serious.
Hell, if it wasn't for advertising, you know what you two would be doing, huh?! You two'd be givin' out Sesame Street tote bags during PBS pledge breaks, except-- Except they wouldn't say "Sesame Street" on 'em.
Oh, no.
They wouldn't say that.
If they said that, that would be Ad-- Advertising! That's right! Hell, if you two had your way, there probably wouldn't even be any Sesame Street, would there? Would there?! Dave? Just reading some ads.
Not involved at all.
Yeah, that's right! There'd be no Ernie, would there? No, no.
There'd be no Bert.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye to Grover.
Bye-bye to Cookie Monster.
No.
There'd be no Snuffleupagus, would there? Forget the trash can, because there ain't no Oscar the Grouch.
Not to mention Kermit the damn Frog! I'll do the photo shoot.
What? I will do the photo shoot.
Oh, well, you know, I don't want you to do anything you don't wanna do.
[.]
"And I have to conclude that this threat "to the American way of life has been grossly misnamed.
"It's not rap music "it's crap music.
"And that's 'The McNeal Perspective.
'" Well congratulations, Bill, you've outdone yourself.
You really think so? Yes, yes.
I think this has to be the most idiotic thing you've ever written.
Um, h-he didn't write it.
I wrote it.
All right, then it's the most idiotic thing Matthew has ever written.
Wait a minute, they can't all be the most idiotic thing I've ever written.
And besides, you had no right to make Matthew do your work for you.
I didn't make him do it.
I paid him.
Quite handsomely, I might add.
Well, let's just-- Let's just say I was persuaded by Bill's friends Mister, uh Mr.
Lincoln, Mr.
Washington and Oh, Mr.
Washington again.
Well, I'm sorry.
No, Bill, you cannot do this editorial.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
What's goin' on here? Society's under siege, Jim, and Dave refuses to send in the reinforcements.
This about advertising? No.
It's about this.
Hey, I own that one.
You own this album? No, I own the company that distributes that album.
Oh, so that's why Dave's trying to kill this story.
I guess it's all about the almighty dollar, huh? No, Bill, it's not just about the almighty dollar.
It's also about the plucky little dime and the omniscient nickel and the ferocious quarter.
[GROWLS.]
I think this is a time to remember the most important things are the ones money cannot buy.
I'm sorry.
What? Well done, Bill.
I'm gonna jump to the end and work my way backwards.
Do you like Ernie and Bert? What are you talking about? Well, I like Bert.
Well, I don't "like" like Bert.
He's just a puppet.
[.]
LISA: Yeah, so I couldn't cancel the photo shoot because I had given Jimmy my word.
But he didn't say anything about them turning me down.
So? So I called up the magazine, and I told them that we unanimously objected to being judged in any way by a criteria of cuteness.
It's disgusting.
And inaccurate.
And then I told them that if they wanted a photo it would have to include either all of us or none of us.
All or none.
Right on, sister.
Okay, so, what did they say? [LAUGHS.]
They said that they would love to have all of us.
Actually, I think his quote was, "If the other two are as cute as you are, the more the merrier.
" Can you believe that? I mean, how sickening is that? What time are we supposed to be there? I gotta get my hair done.
Should I bring clothes, or will I have to wear some weird white jumpsuit or something? Wait, are you insane? You know, I just bought a new Versace blouse-- Wait a minute.
Why is--? Everybody is insane today.
So it won't be a problem? Nah, no problem at all.
In fact, one little phone call's all it's gonna take.
Mm-hmm? Yeah.
Chuck always, uh, always loves to do a favor for the big man.
Right.
Of course, I'll have to pay him.
Well, greed has never been one of your vices, sir.
[CRACKS KNUCKLES.]
I'm sorry.
What? Greed is good.
Money is everything.
I love Big Bird.
Please make the call.
Oh, okay.
[.]
[CAMERA SNAPS.]
[CAMERA SNAPS.]
May I help you? Hi.
I'm here for the shoot.
And which shoot would that be? Um [MUTTERS.]
cutest reporter in New York.
Excuse me? Cutest reporter in New York.
I didn't ask for the award.
You Lisa Miller? Yes.
Hello, I'm Randy.
Hi.
I thought they said it was a three-person shoot.
It is.
They'll be here in a minute.
Okay.
Well, if it's kosher with you, I'd like to do some test shots before they get here.
Sure, go ahead.
Oh, you mean with me.
Well, only if you don't mind.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, I guess.
Why not? Yeah, right there.
Yeah, that's, uh, great.
Yeah.
Can we try and loosen it up a touch? Yeah, sure.
Um Lisa, darling, where is that cute girl we're looking for? Ah, see, I knew-- Ah! There she is! Perfect! [CAMERA SNAPPING.]
No, no, no.
I really don't feel comfortable portraying something that's not representative Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'msorry.
No, it's okay.
I mean, it's not-- That's the stuff! Perfect! No, no, no.
That's the way! You're so cute! I'm really That's great.
Comfy! not comfortable.
Three, two [CAMERA SNAPPING.]
The time is 4:30, and now the "McNeal Perspective.
" A plague afflicts America.
From sea to shining sea, Lady Liberty is endangered by a hideous new disease [OVER SPEAKER.]
called rap music.
Ah.
Hi.
So glad you could make it, MrD? What's up? You must be Dave.
Yes, how'd you know? Jimmy told me to look for this polite guy that would be callin' me Mr.
D.
That's me.
You can call me Chuck.
Oh, thanks.
So where's the guy that's talkin' crazy things about rap lyrics, man? Oh, it's the guy in there that looks like he's talking crazy things about rap lyrics.
Uh, please, go right on in.
JIMMY: Hey, Chuck.
Hey, Jim.
How ya doin'? What's up? You all set? Yeah, it's straight.
All right.
You're gonna have fun? Yeah.
Okay.
Thanks a lot, man.
Oh, God, I don't know, Dave.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Why? Well, what if? What if Bill out-debates Chuck? Well, sir, I think you underestimate the tenacity of Bill's personal beliefs.
And what he believes in, above all else, is the importance of sucking up to famous people.
And that's "The McNeal Perspective.
" And now WNYX welcomes into its studios an authority on this type of highly questionable material.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Chuck D.
You're going to have to find a new name, my friend.
That one is already taken by someone in your industry.
Yeah, it's taken by me.
What's up? I'm Chuck D.
Welcome to the Terrordome! Once again, back is, the incredible, the rhyme animal, D.
Public Enemy number one, kickin' it live with yours truly, Biznill McNeal.
Welcome, Mr.
Chuck.
Thanks a lot.
Good to be here.
No, thank you.
So glad you could drop by.
What's on your mind? Well, first of all I heard you was shocked about the lyrics of rap music, and I'm here to tell you that rappers rhyme about what they see in their environment.
Yes, they do.
They tick-tock, and they don't stop, and none do it better than you.
More power to you, my man.
I thought we was here for a debate.
A debate? No.
How utterly wack that would be, yo.
Yeah, but just a minute ago, you was talkin' about how offensive the lyrics were of rap music.
This? Look, I just read this crap.
He's the guy who wrote it.
What's up? Hello.
All right, do you really think that rap music and the lyrics are cancerous to today's youth? Um I-- I do tend to exaggerate when I write.
Yeah.
Exaggerate.
Cool.
Mm-hmm.
Sometimes we exaggerate too.
But you exaggerate to make it more exciting, what you write, right? Well, yeah, 'cause in radio, it helps to, you know, jazz it up a little bit so that we create what we call a "word picture.
" Jazz it up.
Word picture.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
You know? Yeah.
I feel you.
Yeah.
We're two peas in the same pod.
Wellyou're doin' it to make money, though.
Didn't you get paid to write that editorial? Yes, I did.
That's right.
So sometimes it's about gettin' paid too.
Okay.
So we're no different, right? Oh.
You feel me? Yeah.
Whoops, sorry.
I'm gettin' paid too.
But you're gettin' paid sayi'' something that you don't even believe, some nonsense.
Yeah.
Right on.
Hey, can I get a picture with you? Excuse me.
Hey, where you guys been? Oh, we got held up in traffic.
How's it going? Is it fun? Well, yeah, once you let go, it's great.
They're not gonna make us do anything stupid, right? No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, this is my idea.
Besides, you know, if they ask us to do anything stupid, it's all for one, right? We can all just refuse.
Yeah, as long as we are controlling it.
Right? Absolutely.
Yeah.
[CAMERA SNAPPING.]
Come on.
Get in.
Lisa, where are you going? Where you going? Lisa, come back! Lisa! Please! Lisa! All right, if she's not gonna do it RANDY: Time is money.
[.]
Yeah, but just a minute ago, you was talkin' about how offensive the lyrics were of rap music.
Oh.
This? I just read this crap.
He's the one that wrote it.
[CHUCKLING.]
What's up? [WOMAN LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
Hi.
How are you? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Um MAN: Okay, let's-- [ALL LAUGHING.]