Night Court (2023) s03e12 Episode Script

1
Aw, Dan.
You have an eyelash. Make a wish.
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Kill me.
Is it me or does Dan seem
grumpier than usual?
You should've heard what he said
when we saw a shooting star.
Ohh!
I can't carry that darkness.
I have children.
He's just upset about his memoirs.
It's been rejected
by every publisher in town.
Yeah. His agent is
so tired of giving him bad news.
- I heard he's gonna quit.
- Who's his agent?
Me.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- Oh. Sorry.
Oh, I got to take this.
Give me good news, Bobby.
[GASPS] You thought Dan's
book was incredible?
ly bad.
[CHUCKLES] Don't worry.
It's It's not about you.
Right. Someone else's misery
will cheer Dan up.
Any chance the next case
is someone attacked
by their own chimp?
No, but it's a good one
the people versus Llewelyn Sims.
Mr. Sims is charged
with public indecency.
He was reading a pornographic
novel on the subway.
Come on, man.
It's not the Staten Island ferry.
But reading pornography isn't a crime.
It is when you do it out loud.
This is what people want to read,
pool boys and housewives
slapping together?
You know, I could put that in my book.
Is the counselor interested
in maybe doing some defending?
Fine.
My client is not
a run-of-the-mill perv.
He was reading this smut to a friend
who has a visual impairment.
And it is with the deepest regret
that the defense calls Sy Hoffman.
That's right!
Applause, applause, applause.
I'm back, Your Honor!
- I'm over here, Mr. Hoffman.
- Who said that?
I'm sorry. I just had my eyes dilated.
I'm at risk for glaucoma,
which inspired my new musical,
"Glaucoma!" exclamation point.
Glaucoma ♪
When the pressure's
right behind your eyes ♪
And the defendant was reading
you pornography because
Because I'm always on the
lookout for a new story to tell.
Ah. Yes.
A lot of great musicals
were based on porn.
You know, "Grease"
was originally titled "Lube."
- Is that true?
- No.
Who said that?
♪♪
Dan, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
Yeah. Well, keep looking.
I think I'm in the
bathroom on the fifth floor.
So, you know how no one
saw value in your life story?
Yes.
But it's nice to be reminded.
I found someone who thinks
audiences will love it.
Hello.
Please tell me the person
interested in my memoirs
is standing behind
this unethical blowfish.
Dan, I love your book.
You read it?
I thought your eyes didn't work.
Well, it was a little blurry,
but I got the gist.
And I think it'll make
an incredible musical.
Isn't that great?
Now your story can be
performed every night.
You'll get applause, Dan.
You can't clap
when you're reading a book.
You'd drop it.
For music and lyrics,
I got Hudson Ann Martin.
Wow, Dan! Hudson and Martin!
I wish I could get Hudson and Martin.
I got Hudson Ann Martin
middle name Ann.
He's not as good, but he's
my close personal nephew.
The only Hudson I'm gonna be
working with is the river,
when I jump in it
with bricks tied to my feet!
I tried that, Dan!
Bricks never stay on!
I've been cursed with buoyancy.
♪♪
Ugh. I think the coffee
creamer is expired.
Ah. Yeah. Your girls are getting big.
You're not listening to me at all.
Mm-hmm. Sure.
Electric cars. Crazy.
- What's going on?
- We used to date.
What? You and him?
Him and you? Biblically?
Nothing we did could be found
in any Bible.
Sy Hoffman.
That man is a sexual dynamo.
Wait. What?
You see the way he
attacks that sandwich?
[GRUNTING]
He approaches all of his
endeavors with the same gusto.
Did he just swallow the toothpick?
[COUGHS] Uh-oh.
I-I can't get involved with him again.
He'll just chew me up and spit me out
like that piece of sandwich foil
that he just fished out of his mouth.
[SPITS] Ugh.
Maybe I can help.
Yeah. It'll be good practice.
My girls are starting to like boys,
so I need to learn
how to ruin a vibe real quick.
Oh. Thank you, Wyatt.
Now he's using his sleeve as a napkin.
Ah!
Okay. This is too hot.
I got to go and cool off
in the morgue.
♪♪
Yeah, I got your text.
There's no way I'm doing
casual Friday. Okay
- What's everybody doing here?
- Don't worry, Dan.
No one wants to see you in Crocs.
We're here because we think
this musical with Sy
could be just the thing
to get you out of your funk.
Even me, the cool one.
This isn't an intervention?
Well, I-I guess this list
of all the ways you've failed me
can wait.
Okay. Everyone but Julianne
thinks working on this show
could turn that frown
of yours into a neutral face.
You're asking me to trust Sy Hoffman.
The man is a sellout.
Do you know he put five Shreks
in his production of "Hamlet"?
And that's just "Hamlet."
This is my story.
This matters!
I totally hear you.
Which is why you should
ask for full creative control.
Like Lin-Manuel Miranda
or baristas when they
write your name on a cup.
And we'll be with you the whole time.
I know everything
there is to know about Broadway.
Flobert does the choreography
for his barbershop quartet.
It's mostly taking off hats
and leaning.
But that's not my limitation.
It's theirs.
"Full creative control"
has a nice ring to it.
People bring me their ideas,
full of hope,
and I crush them
with a withering glance.
Yeah, that feels good.
I've already spoken to Sy,
and he's on board for Dan
being fully in charge.
Fine. I'll do it.
Hey. But no comp tickets!
You want to see the show, you pay!
The only catch is we need to
come up with our opening number
to show investors in three days.
And now I'll leave
before that sinks in.
Uh, well, Dan, looks like
we better get to work.
So, what is your memoir about?
You're my agent.
♪♪
And then then here's
the big finish, all right?
So then Dan
Dan picks up the Constitution,
wipes the ash from his face,
and the Constitution says,
"Thank you, Dan.
I could have never done this
without you!"
And then Dan says, "No, Constitution."
[SMOOCHES] "Thank you."
Ohh!
What else you got?
Come on, Dan.
You've hated everything
- the costumes, the actors.
- You hated all my ideas.
You just kept saying
the show needs more "zazz."
Well, you're crazy
if you think it doesn't.
You made Martin cry.
That's probably why Hudson
hasn't shown up.
I'm one person.
Well, you cry enough for two.
You hens done cluckin'?
'Cause this rooster's about
to make the sun come up.
I can tell you what this
show is in one word.
Dan.
Can you maybe give
us a few more words?
For me, the moment that best captures
the Dan vibe we're all loving
is the day you won your first case.
Ah, yes. Page 823.
I can see it now.
Young Dan comes to town,
the big man from the Big Easy.
In the Big Apple
with nothing but a dream and
a bindle full of gator jerky.
- [DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
- I was a boy from the bayou ♪
Now we're talkin' zazz!
♪♪
Pro tip
When the cashier sees the soda cup,
she just presses $1.50.
She never asks what's in it.
Why don't you put that down
and we'll have each other for lunch?
Why don't I eat first and then
you and I can be dessert?
- So you remember me.
- Nope.
Julianne. There you are.
I lost track of you after you
locked me in the elevator.
It's no use, Wyatt.
It's only a matter of time
before I'm wearing that man
like a weighted blanket.
Okay. Stop looking at him.
Is this whole thing Dan's book?
I've been carrying it around,
hoping to pass it to someone
- like an ancient curse.
- Ugh!
It's pompous. It's self-indulgent.
It's [SNORTS] a turn-off
in every possible way.
It
Oh.This is just
the distraction I need.
Oh, thank you, Wyatt.
I'm glad I caught you.
Caught me doing what?
This is root beer.
Sy, you are going to love
what we came up with.
The Tonys are already knockin'.
To be clear, the Tonys
are two cafeteria workers
who love to sing.
But shows we're getting buzz!
I can't wait to see it.
One thought. Get rid of all of it.
This show isn't about Dan anymore.
- It's about you.
- Me?
Sy, the whole reason
we're doing this thing
is to give Dan a chance
to tell his story.
Well, that was before I found
out that my biggest investor
has a tiny blond granddaughter.
Awful kid.
The voice of a beluga whale.
But she wants to play the lead,
so I said yes
before the end of the sentence.
But she sings like a beluga whale!
Hey! That's our star
you're talking about!
Look. Let me make this plain.
You don't get Dan on board
with this new direction,
this musical goes away.
Ball's in your court.
Ooh! That could be
your opening number.
Ball's in your court ♪
I'm blond, and I'm short ♪
I have a little hammer
that goes bam, bam, bam! ♪
Well, you get it.
God, I hate how much I love that.
Why were you brawling?
You are the New York Gay Men's Choir.
You took an oath
to put song above all else.
It's not my fault, Your Honor.
When I'm Up here ♪
he's supposed to be
Down here ♪
But instead he was
[NASALLY] Over here ♪
Where's that? I don't even know.
Oh, yeah, tough guy?
Why don't you sing it to my face?
Oh! Oh! No, you don't
No! Stop! Stop! Listen.
You guys don't want
to end up at Rikers.
The acoustics there are terrible.
The Spring Sing is coming up,
and I refuse to listen to
a chorus full of straights.
- Okay.
- [MEN MURMURING]
Let's cool down
with a night in holding.
Yeah, that's in the basement.
[DEEP VOICE] Which is down there ♪
And a-five, six, seven, eight.
[CHUCKLES]
That's how many people
you'll be sharing a cell with.
Hey. I want to talk about the show.
Sorry. W-Who's your friend?
Oh, this is Broadway's Roland Kincaid.
I've cast him as Dan.
I'm shadowing him
to capture his essence.
Oh. Right. Like that's possible.
Well, Dan, fake Dan, I love
that you're getting into this.
But here's an idea
just coming to me now.
What if we keep the
great themes from the book
but shift the focus a bit to
I don't know.
Let's say a female judge.
Oh, yes. The great themes.
Because after all,
that's what's really important.
Even more so than who
the show is actually about.
Exactly. So we're on the same page.
Oh, yes. The same page.
The page of betrayal!
- You're trying to steal my show!
- I'm not trying to steal it.
I'm trying to save it.
Sy says the show's off
if his investor's granddaughter
doesn't get the lead.
- [GASPS]
- Oh, y Oh, no. No, no.
I'll handle this.
I was promised
complete creative control.
If that is no longer the case,
I'm out.
Roland, let's go.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
- Drama ♪
- Drama ♪
That was beautiful. Okay.
We should really get
you gentlemen to jail.
♪♪
What are you doing here?
Shouldn't you be strapping into
a dance belt and vocalizing?
The show is off.
Uh, theater is dead anyway.
You know, I've decided to make a pivot
and turn my magnum opus
into a series of TokTiks.
Well, that's a shame.
You know, I read your book, and, um
Well, it was better
than I expected. Yeah.
Did you really do an unassisted
appendectomy in an igloo?
Yeah. But just the one.
Oh.
The ending didn't
really work for me, then.
Oh, the part where I met
the love of my life
wasn't a satisfactory conclusion?
Sorry I didn't marry a Gone Girl
with a dragon tattoo.
No. But that's just it.
It didn't feel like a conclusion.
It felt like the beginning
of your third act.
You come out of retirement,
you team up with your
old friend's daughter,
and you become the kind of man
whose friends put on a
musical about his dumb life.
You know, you throw in a scene
where you save the Constitution,
and I think you've got a bestseller.
- Murray got to you.
- Yeah.
He gave me the whole sweaty pitch.
Hey, Dan. I'm sorry about Sy.
Oh! You said his name. Great.
Now I have to read
your stupid book again.
Listen. I think we could
still get your show made.
You know how many NYU
students will work for nothing
if we promise it'll upset
their parents?
You know, you tell Sy
the showcase is back on.
So you'll do Sy's version of the show?
No. I've got a much
better idea than that.
But we will not tell him.
Oh. Also, we will not tell him
that we're going to Chili's
after the performance.
♪♪
How are ya? How are ya?
Good to see ya.
Beautiful night for a showcase!
Thank you for making my changes.
These things happen in the theater.
"Annie" was originally
about this leggy broad
named Miss Hannigan,
and her big number was called "Today"!
You know, it is remarkable
how literally nothing you say is true.
So, is everyone here?
No, no, no. I'm waiting
for my biggest investor.
And there she is! Hello, gorgeous!
Ow.
Sy, I am furious!
I don't care how good you were
in the sack.
Could be many things.
Listen. What were you told
and/or what'd you find out?
Well, you said my granddaughter
was gonna be the lead,
but now I'm being told
that the show's an ensemble.
I see what's happening.
What's happening?
I have used the awesome
power of my creative control
to make the show about all of us.
It was very magnanimous of me.
Not on my watch.
I'm pulling the funding.
I'm pulling the cash.
Yeah. We figured you'd say that.
That's why we are
gonna do it ourselves.
Places, everyone.
All right. We're curtains up in five.
This is so exciting.
I'll be right back.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
♪♪
[PIANO PLAYING DOWN-TEMPO
INTRODUCTION]
♪♪
Crime is up, and the sun is down ♪
Our dankness ranks
above any in town ♪
Sure, the vibe
might cause depression ♪
Till these two words
put court in session ♪
- [MUSIC BUILDS]
- All rise ♪
That means you leave your seat.
- All rise ♪
- Come on. Get on your feet.
The crimes are dark,
but the mood is light ♪
Tell me, Clerk.
What's on the docket tonight?
Well, we got drunk intoxications ♪
And several urinations ♪
Plus two formal accusations
of public masturbations ♪
20 muggings for the purists
and an Elmo flashed a tourist ♪
Although I'm not the surest,
I still want to be a jurist ♪
As a student divorcée
in need of steady pay ♪
I'll sleep all day until
I hear the bailiff say ♪
- All rise ♪
- We're just about to start.
- All rise ♪
- A hellmouth with some heart.
Nightly trials set my spirit free ♪
Lady Justice never sleeps,
and neither do we ♪
I can't get enough;
I'm here every night ♪
I should be retired,
but that never fit right ♪
So I'll lawyer, I'll judge,
I'll coach nighttime soccer ♪
'Cause I want the action
and to keep my work locker ♪
The law may be murky,
but one thing's clear.
Everybody loves working here.
- Wait. I don't know about that.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
I was a boy from the bayou ♪
[DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
A dirt farmer seeking out fame ♪
Now this place is beneath me ♪
My talents bequeathed me ♪
A chance to shine just the same ♪
Oh, oh ♪
But after all of my great feats ♪
I'm defending the dumb deadbeats ♪
Feeling there's no one left
in my league ♪
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
You know, once, in an igloo ♪
Well, hey, Stretch. How do you do?
Okay, I'll admit I'm intrigued ♪
♪♪
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah! Whoo!
[FINGER SNAPPING]
♪♪
- [MUSIC SLOWS, CONTINUES]
- All rise ♪
I got my gavel freshly shined ♪
- All rise ♪
- Haven't seen the sunshine ♪
In quite some time ♪
We're better together,
and that's the conceit ♪
Now let's get some sex workers ♪
- back on the stre-e-e-et ♪
- All rise! ♪
- Night court!
- Night court!
- [MUSIC ENDS]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Dan, that was great! How do you feel?
Like I should have done
a musical sooner.
Well, that was complete trash.
I loved it!
Let me finish.
Didn't doubt you for a second.
Ms. Sinclair, I am prepared
to offer you 60% of this show
right here and now.
That's all we needed to hear.
FBI. Hands in the air, Hoffman.
Hudson! You're an FBI agent?
Since when are you a fed?
Since they recruited me
out of Yale Drama
to work in their musical crimes
division.
Uncle Sy, you just sold 60% of a show
you already sold 300% of.
And that's fraud.
I knew this was gonna happen.
I mean, not this,
but I knew he was a crook!
Dan, the only reason I wanted
to make your book into a musical
was because I knew it would stink!
You see, I figure you can
make more money with a flop
- than with a hit.
- Like "The Producers."
No! "The Producers" was a hit!
No. It's the plot of "The Producers."
Haven't seen it.
Good Lord. You really are the worst.
That said, when does he get out?
♪♪
Hey. Here's your pitch pipe back.
Oh, and by the way,
Gurgs went home with two Tonys.
Oh! How did I get blisters
just from trying on tap shoes?
Got to say, you got stage presence.
I was thinking the same thing.
It was foolish to think
that anyone could play me.
So, I know the show isn't happening,
but I'm sure there's someone out there
- who's gonna buy your story.
- Well, you know what?
I'm pretty sure it's not done yet.
So you might put me in it?
I don't think the book
would be complete without you.
Though I may have to
turn you into a vampire
to sell more copies.
sync & corrections by awaqeded