Reno 911! (2003) s03e12 Episode Script

-We take you now live for a statement from A representative for the reno sheriff's department.
-Ding! Vice squad.
-Criminal record.
-Underwear.
-Evidence.
Underpants.
-Licorice for the lady folk.
-Going up -next floor.
Artichokes.
-Porcupines.
Antelopes.
Ding-ding.
-They'll tell us when we're on, right? Yeah.
mtv networks -Morning, guys.
-Hey.
-Morning.
-Uh, I have something I'd like to say if I might.
-Kimball.
-I don't appreciate certain Photographic material that's being inserted into my locker From a certain catalog Of women in their underwear With little bubbles coming out of their mouths.
I like pussy.
-Did you get the one I put in there with the guy And I drew a big penis on him and it said, "I have elephantitis"? -That's just ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
I'm taking a bathroom break.
-Is she a lesbian or not? -I'm gonna say yes.
-I usually get a really good read on someone.
Usually I can say, "you know what? She wants it.
" I feel like if I were to pull down her pants-- -Shh, shh, shh.
♪ la la la la ♪ -Kimball, are you a lesbian? -No.
-Kiss junior if you're not a lesbian.
-Hey! -All chanting: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! -I'm not gonna kiss junior.
-Don't no one remembers last year's sexual Harassment suits? No one.
-But this isn't sexual harassment.
-$72,000.
-It's taken out of my check every goddamn week.
-Nobody remembers that? -This is just how the last one started.
-Have you seen where he lives? -It's different if he doesn't have to make her do it.
If you're not a lesbian, kiss him.
-Oh! -All chanting: On the lips! On the lips! On the lips! -Ok, ok.
I hate when I have to get it out.
Why are you gonna make me go for the baretta? -Suck his dick! Suck his dick! -Can we please unplug her feeding tube? -Buenos noches, pedro.
-Hi, terry.
-Hey, terry.
-Whoo-whoo! -You wanna know why we're here? -Why, is there a fight? -No, there's not a fight yet.
-Terry we got a call that somebody, an employee here, Was turning tricks up on the roof.
-No way.
-Yeah.
Yeah way.
-That's not cool.
-You know anything about that? You know anything about it? -No.
I'm afraid of roofs, so it wasn't me.
I'm allergic to 'em.
-You're allergic to roofs? -I'm allergic to roofs.
You can ask my doctor.
-How does that manifest itself? How are you allergic to roofs? -If I look at them, I throw up.
-You know what I'm allergic to? Lies.
We had a description about a gentleman of your height, Your stature, with a little hat.
What was the person's name? -Well, I guess it might rhyme with mary or harry.
-My name isn't mary or harry.
My name is♪ terry ♪ -Well, hold on, terry.
There's something I wanna say, ok? -What? -Listen.
You know what? You're misunderstood, ok? -I'm totally misunderstood.
-You're misunderstood.
And, um, I wanted to know what if you and I Were to go up on the roof.
How much would youWould you.
.
I mean, how much Would it be? -ForWhat? -If I wanted to get like a little bit of, Like a b.
J.
Or something.
How much would it be? -Ahem.
$5.
00.
-Terry, I'm a cop.
I'm holding your hand.
I'm a cop-- -$5.
00 for the taco.
-You just solicited a sexual act-- You know-- -Ouch.
What are you guys doing? -Tacos, tacos, tacos is self-served tonight, Ladies and gentlemen.
-Sorry about that, pedro.
-Call the police.
Call the police.
I'm being arrested by the police.
-Step down from the vehicle, sir.
-I'm coming out! -I wanna see both hands.
-I ain't got nothing.
-Now, put your hands up against the vehicle, sir.
-Yeah? -Hands up.
That's right.
Where I can see them.
Now, you just stay put there, sir.
-Suck it! - Oh, punkin'.
Oh, little punkin'.
We gonna play "memoirs of a geisha" now.
Huh? -Okeydoke.
So we're doing a little stakeout here today For lucky mike dennehy, who is a counterfeiter.
Specializes in $5.
00 bills.
-5s and 2s.
-Word on the street is he comes in to get a schmitz here At reno therapeutic massage and spa.
And, uh, we're gonna stake him out.
I don't think I've ever had a schmitz.
-What is a schmitz? -I've been in the sauna.
It's like a jew sauna.
-This is a very big trend, you know.
Guys getting waxed and massaged.
-Mm-hmm.
Metrosexual, they call it.
-Yes, it is.
-Metrosexual.
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, my god.
That's him.
That's him.
That's him.
-Ooh.
This is 2-bombshell-17.
We are in hot pursuit of a champagne cadillac.
-Shit.
Hello.
Hey.
Hey! Hey! -This is officer bob.
Hello.
He can't talk.
He's a mannequin.
He's a mannequin that we use to deter people from speeding.
You just set him in a car.
It's an ancient chinese cop secret.
I come here and I lunch with officer bob as often as I can.
It's like a littleFor me, it's like a vacation.
Uh-oh, bob.
Turkey.
We have this thing.
I go, "turkey," and we both go, "turkey again?" Sometimes we play this game: I never Made out with a mannequin.
I have to drink because I have.
-Just 8 more miles to the station.
Oh, god.
Oh! -Sheriff's department.
-Sheriff's department! -Sheriff's department! Have a nice day.
-Sheriff's department.
-Oh, about time.
You're here.
I'm sorry.
Listen, I wasn't sure whether I should call you or not.
I'm afraid this might be a big never mind.
I'm sorry.
-Well, why don't you just tell us why you initially called.
Well, I called because a guyA young fellow came by A little bit earlier today, and I guess he was in a hurry or whatever, Because when I answered the door, He just kind of pushed his way right on in.
He was in a hurry to get into the house.
And I didn't know who he was.
-Do you have a description? Any distinguishing characteristics? -He had a hat that covered his whole face.
-So he was wearing a ski mask in the middle Of the hot weather.
-Yeah.
-And you felt alarmed, I suppose, is why you called us.
-Not really.
I just wasn't sure.
And I wasBecause it hasn't happened before, And it was out of the ordinary.
But he did take quite a few things.
He was carrying a gun.
-He had a gun.
-Yeah.
But he wasYou guys have holsters and things.
I don't know that he had any other place to put it.
So he just had it in his hand.
-Look, what do I know? But to me, this looks like breaking and entering And a theft.
-She's a good cop.
-But that's really jumping to conclusions, because You know, he pushed me.
He did shove me.
He did take things, But I don't know if you wanna call it I wouldn't use the "t" word.
-Sir, do youI'm sorry to interrupt here.
But do you or do you not wanna press charges against this -Oh, I don't think so.
I don't thinkI don't think that's appropriate.
-Ok, then.
-I don't want you to press charges, Although if you see him and he's with my daughter, I would love to just get her back here.
-Where are we, by the way? -Uh, I think virginia's -The sun is behind us and it's moving this way.
It's not moving this way.
-So we're headed-- -We're headed east.
-Are you sure? -No.
-I probably could've been a park ranger.
-Oh, that's the life.
-The crips never go camping.
Crips don't go camping.
The bloods don't go camping.
The latin kings.
None of those motherfuckers camp.
You know who camps? Nice people.
-Nice germans.
-Nice germans.
Friendly germans.
-Little japanese kids.
-Yeah.
-Which way do we say? Airport's that way.
But the catholic school is right there.
We're gonna have to run the gauntlet and do the catholic school, I guess.
We'll say fbi.
-Right.
Fbi! Fbi! -Nothing to see here.
-Nothing to see.
Fbi.
-What's up, boys? How you doing? S.
Jones.
Today we're visiting a known serial killer.
Very dangerous man.
Hello.
Hello.
I wanna know about cindy wong, ok? -Look at you, asking questions.
Boy, you the man now, ain't you? Come a long way, haven't you? -Well, I always have been the man.
You just never knew.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you always been the man.
-Yeah.
-Were you the man back in the hood? Back in the old days? Huh? Those broken and desperate streets.
You hanging with your homies, Drinking bumpers, smoking blunts, Playing stickball on streets with cars with no hubcaps.
Just so you can bust and survive, little bitch, To scrape together a little cheddar so you can bring A hambone to your mama.
-Actually, I grew up in a real lame suburb of minnesota called mound.
Pretty privileged, actually.
-Oh.
Really? -Yeah.
Cindy wong.
-Oh, yeah.
I buried her under the stairs.
-Cool.
All right.
Thanks, man.
-We see you.
Yeah, we see you.
-Come on! -Ok.
Cool your cookies, sir.
What's going on? What's the matter? -Come on, man.
Someone stole all my assault rifles.
All my guns.
I had this double uzi.
You guys ever seen z.
Z.
Top, that double guitar? I had a double uzi.
It was sweet.
I had a bazooka, sentimental value.
My grandpa gave it to me.
-Now, let's start here.
If we had the, um, permits For all these rifles and sawed-off shotguns, We might be able to find-- -I make my own permits.
Sometimes you got to shoot someone before the 10 days.
-Have you had to do that recently? Have you had to shoot someone? -Hell, yeah.
People comin' around here.
I got a drop tonight.
I got this afghani hash comin' in.
And these old boys are gonna come around, try to get my stuff And I'm gonna need at least an uzi.
-You know that drugs are illegal, right? -No, no, no.
It depends.
People need drugs for all different reasons.
-So you have medical hashish.
-Medical hashish, medical cocaine, medical acid.
I got it all, man.
Where are you guys taking me? -We're gonna take you to find your sawed-off shotguns.
-We're gonna find some guns and some drugs.
-Now we're talking.
[car alarms blaring.]
[both shouting.]
-Alarm.
Go.
Oh! Oh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Oh, my gosh! It's hot! Hot! All right.
Ok.
-What do you do? -You got to get-- You snap off the steering column.
Two wires.
-Yeah.
-Yellow, red.
Connect 'em up at the top.
-Ok.
-Ah.
I can get in there now.
-What if they're blue and black? -No, that's wrong.
They got to be yellow and red.
-Well, they're blue and black.
-I might be thinking of stereo.
-That's right and left.
-Audio.
No, it's audio.
-That's rca.
-The yellow one's video.
-Oh, shit.
-What are you doing in my car? -Oh.
-Hi.
-Oh, god.
Why are you naked? I am so sick of things like this happening to me! -Whoa! -Ho! Ho! -I'm sick of things like this happening to me! [both yelling.]
-Say, helen, did you hear about this lady who killed that Other lady for her baby? -Sure I did, mary.
Happened right In her own home.
-Which means today, more than ever, it's time for The police tek 2000 body guard.
With a flick of the wrist You unleash the power Of a professional police nightstick Made from heavy-duty ali--aluminum.
-But I've never used a nightstick.
-That's why it comes with this instructional dvd.
In just 40 minutes, you'll learn all of the nightstick Methods used by real police officers.
-You'll learn patented moves like -Whoo! Sounds like I can finally start jogging again.
-Or go to the park in a skirt or swimwear.
-And just remember to bring your big, black body guard.
-Your police tek -¿te habla espanol, tambien? -No, sir.
-Well, you better aprende some espanol, 'cause we got a lot of them spicks around here.
-You know what I have to learn how to say in espanol? I have to learn how to say that, right? -Freeze.
How do you say "freeze" in espanol? -I know that "ice" is hielo.
So maybe you can go, por favor, say "ice" in hielo.
Make yourself ice.
-That's a good one.
Say "ice" in hielo.
-Say "ice" in hielo.
Sounds like "your ass is yellow," which it also mean, "you're a coward.
" -You're a coward.
-So it has double meaning.
-Yeah.
-Por favor, say "ice" in hielo.
Make yourself like ice.
-Make yourself like ice.
-Por favor, say "ice" in hielo.
-Yell it out.
See what he says.
-If I'd rolled down the window, he would've listened to me.
[bell ringing.]
And now, deputy and lady.
-Good morning, boys and girls.
We're very glad to be here.
Isn't this exciting, lady? -I guess so.
You don't sound very happy.
What's wrong? -I'm not feeling very good about myself.
-But why? You're so pretty.
-I know, but I'm also a dummy.
And it turns out I'm stupid, too.
-What do you mean? -I didn't graduate from high school.
-Lady, no.
-It's true.
I spent my senior year making out with my boyfriend In his hearse all night.
Then I'd sleep all day and watch soap operas All afternoon.
Now I can't get a job frying french fries 'cause I don't Have a high school diploma.
And the only job I can get involves having yahoos like You with your hand up my skirt.
-So what advice would you have for the kids today? -Don'tDropOut.
Drop In.
TruancyIsFor Dummies.
Ahhhhhhh! You're sitting on my dick.
Oh, is that what that is? Yeah.
-Nice day, though.
-It's pretty nice.
-Hey, hey, hey.
Check it out.
Clothes.
-Oh.
[rock music playing.]
-UhHi.
Hello.
-Look at this.
Look at the butt cellulite.
Look at that.
-She's 150.
She shouldn't be wearing a bathing suit.
-Excuse me.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
-I really appreciate it.
Thank you for your helmet.
-Thanks for the loaner.
-Nice meeting you.
-Afternoon.
-Hi.
mtv networks Captioned by national -We playin' "memoirs of a geisha.
" Who's my punkin'? Here we go.
In you go, in you go.
Ah, those memoirs.
-Huh? Huh? [spitting.]
-Hey, sir, you know what happened? I must have hit you back there.
-Why do I taste gold bond's? -Sometimes they say when you get a concussion-- -It tastes like gold bond's powder? -Yeah, gold bond medicated powder.
-Yeah, I think, uh-- -Well, I'm glad I pulled over to help you out.
-Real nice to meet you.
-Good seeing you.