Run the Burbs (2022) s03e12 Episode Script

1
(YAWNING)
Hey, babe, remember the
night we ran out of condoms?
I did the ol' pullaroo.
Yeah. I'm five days late.
(GASPING)
Oh, no!
Oh! Why, God, why?!
- (GRUNTING)
- Yeah.
(GRUNTING) Go, go, go, go, go, go.
(GROANING) Anything?
- CAMILLE: I got nothing!
- Be right back.
- Andrew?
- Okay! I'm coming! I'm coming!
Okay. Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug it! Chug it!
Go! Go! Go, Pee! Pee! Pee! Pee! Pee!
What did you do?!
(BREATHING HEAVILY, GROANING) Uh
Setting the timer.
- Now, what?
- Now, we wait.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
BOTH: 55, 54, 53,
52, 51, 50
Been a while since we needed
our waiting for a pregnancy test kit.
CAMILLE: Seriously.
I mean, this fruit leather,
I think was just fruit.
We both need to think positive thoughts.
Wait. Negative thoughts.
Yeah, no, we're not having a baby.
I mean, I do love babies and dadding.
- And you're good at it, babe.
- Aww
Helping small people become big
people, nothing more rewarding.
- Uh-huh.
- Work isn't exactly fulfilling right now.
My only win this week
was cancelling a meeting
about how we don't
need so many meetings.
Okay, no. Nuh-uh.
We are not having this
conversation, okay?
I spent my 20s parenting young kids,
and now that they're older, I
have some of that freedom back.
Yeah, but babies
Are so wonderful. But
now, it's time to live!
- (SIGHING)
- (ALARM BEEPING)
- (INHALING SHARPLY)
- (SIGHING)
- Negative.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Yes!
You're forgiven this time.
- I must be late from stress.
- Well, you're juggling a lot,
with Cam Pham Eats
and cookbook promotion.
You know, there is a way
to never have a pregnancy scare again,
but the balls are in your court.
Meet in one hour. Need to talk.
Smiling face with a
single drop of sweat emoji.
Send.
(SIGHING)
Is that aftershave I smell?
Yeah, I shaved my beard.
Without me?! Let me look.
Hmm
No nicks. Impressive.
I watched a tutorial.
Can you let go of my face?
Oh My little boy shaving his wisps.
Don't make it a thing.
I don't have to. It already is.
Ugh. (SIGHING)
Oh, hey. I need to borrow the van.
I gotta pick up some
ingredients for an event tonight.
Oh, I was going to
go garage sale hunting
after meeting up with the guys.
Valentina and I have plans.
Isn't Sunday my day to borrow the van?
Uh-oh.
Guess what it's time for?
BOTH: Three-way thumb war.
One, two, thumb war.
(CHATTERING, GRUNTING)
- Wait. Go the other way.
- (CHATTERING)
- Ahh!
- Aah
In your face, motherthumbers.
What? I'm competitive. We know this.
ANDREW: Okay, hear me out.
Maybe it's time for a second vehicle.
Ugh, I wish we hadn't
sold the sports car.
Oh, proposal.
Okay, as you know, I've been
saving up for a used car,
but what if we split the cost?
Then, you two would have a
second car when you need it,
and I could use it to
hang out with my friends.
Oh, going in on a major purchase
with our kid, so grown-up.
Yeah, Dad, I may only be
living at home for another year.
(WHIMPERING)
Yes, yes, the kids are growing.
Okay, this car idea, I like this plan.
- You got a deal.
- Nice!
- Mom Mom, you won.
- Sorry. Instinct. Okay, bye.
(IMITATING PARTY HORN)
- Can we get a ride?
- I'm ready for the ride, ride ♪
Yeah, I'm ready for the
night, feel it shaping up ♪
I've called the Boba
Boys together to discuss
an important life decision.
Is it whether to start a cult?
What? No, I'm never doing that.
Me neither.
Okay, what's going on
buddy? You seem anxious.
Have either of you had a vasectomy?
All right, early Sunday
morning crotch talk.
I have not, but I've thought about it.
It might be time for me.
For a long time, the birth
control fell to Camille,
which was a lot.
We switched to condoms,
but we're ready for
something more permanent.
I had a vasectomy. Best
decision I ever made.
- Really?
- Yeah,
especially since I was a sperm
donor for decades upon decades.
I probably have scores
of children out there,
looking for their papa.
This is great, an expert.
So, be real with me, does it hurt?
It's a total nothing-burger.
You'll be in and out of the
clinic in, like, 30 minutes.
If you want,
I got a guy, one call
(CLICKING TONGUE) I can get you in.
Uh, this guy, is he a doctor?
You'll love him, he's the best.
That didn't answer my question.
(CACKLING) I gotcha.
You really doing this?
Yeah, time for me to man
up and give my wife and I
the freedom to bone at will.
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
(MUTTERING, CHUCKLING)
Well, congrats, man.
Way to take the bull by
the cojones and then just
(CLICKING TONGUE) snip them off.
I'm officially saying no
to baby-related backaches,
sleepless nights, and diaper
changes where you need a hazmat suit.
Hell yeah, never any of that again.
You want in on this? We
can get the snip together.
Maybe.
I mean, like, okay, now,
we're in a new chapter
of our lives now, right?
And the kids are growing up.
We need to move forward, not backward.
We'll be the snip brothers.
Snip brothers. Okay, let's do this!
Oh, snip, snip, snip,
snip, I get that snip ♪
- Get that snip ♪
- Snip, snip, snip, snip, I get that snip ♪
Get that snip ♪
- Snip, snip, snip, snip, I get that snip ♪
- Yeah, I got two live ones here.
(CACKLING)
You're welcome.
He can squeeze you in tomorrow.
(IMITATING RECORD SCRATCHING)
Get that snip ♪
Snip, snip, snip,
snip, I get that snip ♪
Get that snip ♪
Snip, snip, snip,
snip, I get that snip ♪
Get that snip ♪
Snip, snip, snip,
snip, I get that snip ♪
Okay, so, what are on
your used car must-haves?
- My top things are
- Mm-hmm.
low mileage, dual
airbags, and of course, ABS.
Wow, very, um, safety-focused.
Yeah. Aren't you?
Hundo P. But surely, we can
find something safe and fun.
Well, I think that we
should get a hybrid.
If we are gonna get a second car,
we should at least try and
reduce the environmental impact.
Right. Yeah. No, that's all very, um
It's very mature.
I am practically an adult, Mom.
What do you think would be on
my list? A sunroof and subwoofer?
No! (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Okay, so we'll start our
search tomorrow after school,
and I'm sure we can
find some middle ground.
Okay, what's on yours?
Um, just just words.
I'm a man with a plan ♪
And it's time you understand that ♪
I mean, are we rushing this?
What if I date someone younger
and she wants to have kids?
How young we talking?
- Well, on the dating app I put 28 to 50.
- Damn!
Fisherman of love has
gotta cast a wide net.
You, uh, getting cold feet or, uh,
cold something else?
I don't know. I'm just thinking about
how much fun it was
when Mannix was little.
You know that stage where
everything is new to them?
They're so innocent.
The littlest, most ordinary things
fills them with such wonder.
One time, Khia ate a bottle
cap because it was shiny.
They need you so much because
you protect them from the world.
Then, I held her by her feet and
shook the bottle cap out of her.
Anyways
I'm just taking left
turns down memory lane.
- Yeah.
- But we're men
and we're moving on to
this new phase of our lives.
- Yes.
- We'll save thousands of dollars on condoms
from the Bulk Emporium.
Thousands? Totally.
Let's do this.
Snip, snip, snip, snip
I get that snip ♪
Get that snip ♪
Snip, snip, snip, snip ♪
I get that snip, get that snip ♪
Snip, snip, snip, snip ♪
- Get that snip ♪
- Uh, Mr. Hawksley?
Good luck, buddy.
See you on the flippity snip side.
(ANDREW SIGHING)
♪
Okay! I mean, I think this is it.
It's a hybrid, it's got
all the safety features.
But it's $8,000 and
our budget is $7,000.
Okay, the tag is the cost for suckers.
Remember your haggling lessons.
Name your price, point out deficiencies,
let them fill the silence
and be willing to walk away.
That's my baby girl. Now, FYI,
car salesmen are notoriously sexist.
They try to make you feel like an idiot.
I wouldn't be surprised
if the guy was some,
like, slick talker in a cowboy hat.
(DOOR OPENING)
Oh. What did I tell you?
Listen, don't be intimidated.
I have dealt with guys
like this my entire life.
Uh, excuse me.
- Sir?
- Hey there.
Hey there. (CHUCKLING)
I'm Declan, and what a commitment
to be out on a day like today.
Sorry, we thought the other guy was
Oh, uh, that's my dad.
Yeah, I run the place
since he retired, and
sometimes, he visits.
Um, actually, we're
interested in this car.
Oh, awesome. Uh, what are your names?
Khia and Camille Pham.
Oh, very nice to meet you both.
And am I getting mother and daughter
buying car together vibes?
- Yes.
- You are.
I love that.
It's, like, so empowering.
Yeah, it is actually empowering.
Look at us.
Wielding our power.
Hang on.
Aren't you the same Camille Pham
who has a weekly cooking segment
on my favourite TV show?
- Guilty.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah, but just for
the next couple weeks,
until it becomes Good Morning Kaylee.
But you're the best thing on it!
- I know!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay, back to the car.
Can we go down to seven?
The mileage is a bit high.
Oh, great car, Khia.
And you know, it's always women
who have done their research
and know a great find when they see one.
- So true.
- Yeah.
Now, that I see what
you're looking for, though,
can I suggest another car?
It's the same ballpark,
it's just got a little
bit more oomph!
- Oh, okay.
- You know?
And I think you two deserve
to be in something special.
Oh
Okay, that is fun.
- And it's got a sunroof!
- Uh-huh.
And it's not a hybrid.
Oh, Khia, I totally hear you.
Like, climate change,
it's real and it's here.
- It's here.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
But this is super economical on gas,
and the environmental impacts
are practically the same.
And cost even more.
I mean, I could bring
it down for you guys,
I mean, give you my employee discount.
You would do that? Huh.
I'm an ally. My
favourite movie is Barbie.
I am Declan-ough.
Uh
- A second on the car?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yep.
- We didn't agree on this.
Okay, let's keep an open mind, okay?
He's an ally.
(CHUCKLING) Come on.
- Should we take it for a test drive?
- Oh, you got the keys.
- Right on.
- (BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Okay! I'll go first!
DECLAN: Back seat!
(CHUCKLING)
After me!
Sebastian says you're
the best in the biz.
How long you been giving bros the snip?
Oh, we moved on from snipping.
Now, we puncture the scrotum,
pull out the vas
deferens, cauterize them,
so sperm can't get through.
Cauterize? As in burn?
Oh, don't worry. You'll be numb.
You won't feel a thing, but
you'll definitely smell it.
Oh, good.
Focus, Mr. Pham because,
once we're through with you,
your reproducing days will be over.
Right. No more babies.
All right, let's drop those pants.
I just remembered, I forgot
to, uh, move the laundry.
Don't want that musty smell.
I'll reschedule. Bye now.
Never pegged him for a runner.
Do you validate parking?
No. I, uh, just figured I'd ask.
Andrew?
There's my dog.
Get in here.
Ugh. Feels like someone
kicked me in the nether.
Where'd you go? I thought we
were going to cab home together.
Oh, I wanted to surprise you
with my dope recovery zone.
We got snacks, ice
packs, comfy blankets,
heated and weighted.
AKA hot and heavy.
You still numb?
I am not numb.
Just, uh, sore.
Oh! Ooh, that is cold, that is cold.
And your area itchy?
So itchy. You know, it's
like I got poison ivy,
you know, in my pants.
Yeah. What about your
toes, are they tingly?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah.
- You didn't get the snip! Aah!
- How'd you know?
- Oh, I know when you're lying.
You're like an open book
with extra-large font,
like for seniors.
You bailed and didn't even tell me!
Hudson, I'm sorry, I panicked.
They burned my Deferens! (WHIMPERING)
I'm sorry I did this to you.
- I'm sorry!
- No!
No! I thought we were in this together.
- Don't go.
- Oww!
- I owe you something.
- Yeah, a proper explanation.
A grand gesture.
I brought you into the Snip Brothers
and your groin paid the price.
To make things even, my
groin will pay the price.
What?!
Kick me in the bits!
You're joking.
(EXHALING SHARPLY)
Whenever you're ready, my friend.
As I said, whenever you are ready.
Hudson!
Why won't you kick me in the nuts?!
Oh, that felt good!
And that subwoofer was
ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-banging!
Oh Right? You two look
like girl bosses in that.
(CAMILLE LAUGHING)
Camille, Khia,
I want you to have
the car of your dreams.
I think I can bring the cost down
to $9,500.
Still out of our budget.
Well, I think we can
dig a little deeper.
What? Mom, no.
Camille, I want you to feel seen.
You keep taking care of everyone else.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now, it's time to take care of you.
(SIGHING)
Mom, he's just trying to sell
you the more expensive car.
Okay, well, we drove the
car, and it was great.
Why? Because it had a
subwoofer and sunroof?
Yeah, and it was fun.
Is that so bad?
I will make up the price difference.
Declan, let's talk details.
Mom, get whatever car you want.
I'm out.
(DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)
- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah?
I kind of overheard you and Hudson.
Did he get a vasectomy?
(SIGHING) Yeah.
I was going to, too,
but I chickened out.
Hudson usually loves my grand
gestures and forgives me,
but not this time.
So, if you did get it, would it still,
like, work?
Oh, oh, oh. Okay, okay. Good Q, good Q.
It all works. The tap isn't shut off.
There's still flow.
So, the pipes aren't dry?
Correct. The pipes are filled with
let's say, water.
They can trickle or gush.
Ugh. Don't say "gush".
Yeah, I didn't enjoy that either.
But the water is kind of filtered.
So, it's a pretty big
decision if you get this done.
Well, definitely.
And you'd feel like
it was a big change
and kind of vulnerable.
Uh Yeah, I guess I would.
Hudson needs me to be vulnerable, too.
Good talk.
How'd you do that?
Just finished a unit on radical empathy.
From sperm to man, that's my boy.
Good job, little buddy.
I know I need to apologize
to Hudson and be vulnerable.
I just haven't figured out how yet.
(MUFFLED:) Well, why did
you bail on your vasectomy?
- What's that?
- Oh.
(IN NORMAL VOICE:) Why did
you bail on your vasectomy?
I thought you were
feeling good about it.
I don't know.
Well, I guess we're both on the outs.
Khia and I disagreed
about which car to get
and now she's super
mad. I have no idea why.
Parenting is changing so
much as they get older.
You know, you have been talking a lot
about how grown up the kids are.
Maybe that's the reason
for your hesitation.
Oh, damn.
Maybe you're onto something.
- Okay, do me.
- Sure.
You missed out on a lot
of youthful fun in your 20s
and you want to make up for that now,
hence wanting a sexy car,
despite the obvious impracticalities.
Did I get it?
Dammit.
Yeah, I got it.
Khia,
look, I'm sorry about yesterday.
I pushed for a flashy car
because of my own issues.
But I'll find some other way to
let loose. We'll get the hybrid.
And I suck and you are
good. Come on, say something.
Let them fill the silence, baby.
Oh, well played.
We're in this 50-50.
You were supposed to
treat me as an equal.
I get it, but I'm still the
adult with more life experience.
Yeah, but I see things that you don't,
like Declan manipulating you.
"Manipulating" is a strong word.
He doesn't watch Good Morning Gloria.
He looked you up on his phone.
Oh. Okay. Yes,
he flattered me and I went with it.
I guess you know,
I guess I enjoyed it.
Validation shouldn't
come from other people.
After all of your success
and hard work this year,
you should do it for yourself.
Okay. Yeah, you know stuff.
Thank you.
Let me help you.
(SIGHING)
Uh, no.
Adults pack their own lunch. Sorry.
But part of adulting
is delegation, so
please, go nuts.
(CHUCKLING)
A bigger spoon helps.
I will be your little spoon.
(GIGGLING)
I make my own dress out of
scarves I found in the tree,
so
I thought you said it was just us.
I have many roles in this life.
Today, mediator. Tomorrow, ninja turtle.
It's my nephew's birthday party.
Hey, Sebastian. Hey, Hudson.
Now, remember, guys,
you're best friends.
This is just a dip in a
lifetime of friendship.
A snip-dip, if you will.
Now, who wants to begin?
I will.
Hudson, I'm really sorry,
especially for lying to you
about going through with it.
That part hurt.
And the vasectomy, that also hurt.
I was having doubts
and you convinced me.
I know, I'm sorry if you have regrets.
Good thing vasectomies are reversible.
I've had mine reversed many times.
Best decision I ever made.
Actually, I'm good.
It was the right call for me.
Great, but I'm not done
being radically vulnerable.
Carry on, friend.
For 15 years, being a stay-at-home dad
was my whole identity, and I rocked it.
But Khia and Leo are growing up.
They don't need me like they used to.
Without young kids to
take care of, who am I?
You started thinking
about having another baby.
Well, yeah, but I know,
deep down, it's just a thought.
Camille and I are ready to
move forward, not backwards.
I got to embrace who I
am when I'm not parenting.
Next chapter, baby.
No, no, baby.
Nice.
Not gonna lie,
I'm not looking forward to
that burning flesh smell.
I ripped the stress ball
they gave me in half.
You guys, you can always be
sedated for the whole procedure.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Remix!
(BEATBOXING, HEAVY BREATHING)
Snip, snip, gonna get that snip ♪
- Snippy-doo ♪
- Snippy, snip ♪
Gonna get that snip ♪
You hear that? She purrs
like a kitten, don't she?
Didn't he supposedly retire?
Camille, Khia, how are you?
Did you iron things out?
What's up with your dad?
My dad?
Oh, yeah,
I needed some extra help.
He's just pitching in.
- It's not his dad, is it?
- Nope.
This is just the young,
supposedly feminist guy
that they send out to
upsell cars to women.
- Yep.
- You know, you are worse
than old cowboy hat over there,
preying on women's insecurities.
Yeah, it's gross. And
today, you lost a sale.
And now, the walk-away.
Wait!
I need a sale. Please?
I'll get you a deal on that hybrid.
We'll fight the fight ♪
Till the battle is won ♪
We're gonna scream from
the top of our lungs ♪
We won't stop till
the last one's standing ♪
We are the heroes,
we are the champions ♪
Nah nah nah nah nah-nah-nah-nah ♪
Nah nah nah nah, nah-nah-nah-nah ♪
We are the heroes,
we are the champ ♪
(GROANING)
Our Boba Boy's about
to become a Boba Man.
Oh, good. He's not
getting away this time.
(CHUCKLING)
(MUMBLING:) Snip, snip,
gonna get that snip ♪