Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e12 Episode Script
Whose So-Called Life Is It Anyway?
[MUTTERING.]
Hey, Salem, when did you start painting? When no one would read my screenplay.
I need a creative outlet.
Well, my background in this area is pretty much limited to spin art, but I like what I see.
Well, let's not forget my model.
She deserves some of the credit.
Do you mind if I put my nose back? I've gotta sneeze.
For your safety, please watch the following video.
Oh, you can read a magazine, but you didn't have time to read my screenplay.
I got through volumes one and two, but then it seemed to drift.
This is Enchanted By, the magazine for witches.
Anything in there about dating mortals? You'll do anything to work the fact that you're dating into the conversation.
That's not true.
Has anyone seen my book bag? The guy I'm dating has books.
Sabrina, I want you to check out this month's Enchanted By.
There happen to be some very edifying articles.
"Nose Warts: How to Hide Them.
" Oh, good, it's got pictures.
The guy I'm dating has a nose.
Okay, I'll stop.
I want you to read the bulletin from the Witches' Council.
They're advising witches under the age of 21 to refrain from charitable magic.
Whew, relieved of the burden of helping others.
Charitable magic can have disastrous long-term consequences.
For instance, the teenage witch in Ohio who zapped away her best friend's acne.
- How thoughtful.
- Seemed that way, but as it turns out, her best friend was destined to one day discover a cure for acne.
So now, no cure.
And now, instead of being a scientist, she'll be a smooth-faced wino.
I'll add that to my list of 10,000 other witch rules I'm supposed to follow.
Would you mind terribly if I asked for that in a crystal bowl? As an artist, I'm sensitive about these things.
Allow me.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN.]
ZELDA: Sabrina, that was charitable.
You didn't listen to a word I said.
Oh, come on.
Salem's not gonna accomplish anything in his life.
I'm still way ahead of half the Kennedy children.
Harvey, you're gonna be late for Chemistry.
What are you doing? Trying to open my locker.
You think my gym shoes could be causing a vacuum? SABRINA: I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I doubt there's a Nobel Prize in Harvey's future.
Whoa, somebody's been working out.
Sabrina, I've gotta ask you something.
If it's about your hair, yes, it does look like a woodland creature's home.
Oh, yeah? Well, I didn't really have time to fix it this morning.
You know, Libby, speaking of hair, how's your chronic lice problem? I mean, you should be charging those little fellows rent.
That was great, Sabrina.
Look, I hate to put you in the position of having to say no, but my mom's always on me about having a friend over for dinner, and I've been putting it off for 13 years, but she's like a dog with a bone.
Val, stop being so insecure.
- I'd love to come over.
- Really? Tonight is charades night at the Birkhead house.
Sounds like fun, and it beats "throw out the fuzzy food" night at my house.
You know, painting has opened up a whole new world for me.
My soul is soaring.
Now, how can I use this God-given talent for material gain? I know.
All I need is a human.
Close enough.
It smells like turpentine in here.
Did you order from that sushi place again? Do me a favour and take these paintings down to that hip new gallery in town.
You know, the one with all the driftwood art.
I can't.
Brock's picking me up for our date any minute.
Besides, no gallery would ever buy paintings done by a cat.
How about if you're the painter? We'll split the commission right down the middle: Eighty-20.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
But I don't like your paintings.
They're creepy.
Why don't you paint something pretty on velvet? Hilda, Brock's here.
Who ordered sushi? - Hi, Hilda.
- Hi.
Say, who's the artist in the family? These paintings are remarkable.
Oh, it's really just a hobby.
SALEM: Oh, yeah.
So you see, Sabrina, being a safety inspector boils down to this: people pay me to do their worrying for them.
Do you get a bonus for panicking? By the way, Warren, I picked this up for you on the way home.
- Great bicycle helmet.
- Oh, no.
We wear them in the car.
Twenty bucks to keep that information inside these walls.
Have some chopped beets, Sabrina.
Mom's a nutritionist.
Everything we eat is healthy.
I never said being my friend would be easy.
Don't worry.
I can make almost anything disappear.
What a beautiful shade of red.
I could use that colour to create a masterpiece.
No, I'll just eat it.
Twenty-six, 27, 28.
Now you may swallow.
Hey, look, a wishbone.
I once choked on a ham bone.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Why don't you and Mr.
Birkhead make a wish? No, thank you.
We're not the whimsical sort.
Come on.
Live a little.
Well, all right, then.
But everyone shield your eyes, there may be bone shards.
SABRINA: I guess this is sort of charity, but I'm so bored.
Make a good wish.
Their lives are so dry Here's what we'll do Take whatever they wish And make it come true Ah.
Okay, who wants, or is willing to try, rhubarb pie? Yummy.
[HUMMING.]
Looks like pie.
I-- [SNIFFING.]
Smells terrible.
Bad colours.
I don't-- I won't eat this.
I refuse to eat-- [CHEWING.]
Strong.
- Round.
- Round.
Oh, I've got it.
The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds.
Wow.
I couldn't even get Little Women.
I'm such a loser.
Okay, that makes the final charades score: Sabrina, 18.
Everyone else, two.
Well, I really gotta get going.
I'm really tired and no wonder.
It's 8:15.
This is the latest anyone has ever stayed, including blood relatives.
Thank you.
It was nice to see you, Sabrina.
Dinner was terrific and thanks for the recipe.
That lima bean loaf really did taste like tofu.
Leave before she tries to put some in a sack.
Gotta go.
You really livened up our evening, Sabrina.
In fact, that's what I wished for.
That our Valerie would be happier and more upbeat like you.
SABRINA: A happier Valerie.
What could be wrong with that? So, what happened at the gallery? - They bought all the paintings.
- Yes.
And they wanna have an exhibition of your work.
I mean, our work.
I mean, my work.
Don't you wanna hear about my date? No.
Let's see the money.
Here.
Why did you want it all in singles? SALEM: So I can do this: I'm rich! Rich, I tell you! Salem, it's only a few hundred dollars.
I'm well-off! Well-off I tell you! [CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Sabrina, that was really fun last night.
For the first time in years I didn't have my "naked in the Superdome" dream.
I'm glad you're in a good mood.
Yeah, I just feel different for some reason.
I'd like to thank the two of you for always travelling together.
It helps me insult you that much more efficiently.
Libby, better run along.
Aren't you late for your-- "Future Bitter Divorcées of America" meeting? My worst nightmare: freaks in Sensurround.
That felt great.
Well, better get to Algebra II.
She is more upbeat.
Man, I'm good.
"A 25-foot ladder is leaning against a garage.
Its base is 12 feet from the wall.
How high up does the ladder reach?" Oh, I know.
The ladder is-- Why, Valerie, that's another one right.
Either you've been studying, or have I been mouthing the answers again? No, Valerie's just becoming more like a person that's good in math.
So have you noticed anything different about Valerie lately? Now that you mention it, she seems a lot more happy and relaxed, like you.
Oh, well, you mean that she reminds you of me, right? Not that she's actually becoming like me.
Guys don't struggle with issues like that.
- Valerie, wait.
- I can't.
I signed up to help with Spanish tutoring.
Me too.
Since when do you speak Spanish? [SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
That's Spanish, you know.
- Valerie-- - Sabrina-- - You first.
- I just-- - Stop! - Stop! So weird.
It's like we have the same brain or something.
Man, I'm late.
Gotta go.
- Oh, Sabrina.
- Hi, Mrs.
Birkhead.
- I was on my way to Science Club-- - Valerie said she's gonna join that.
Oh, well, there's a surprise.
Anyway, I was just wondering about the wish you made the other night.
Do you remember your exact words? I said, "I wish our Valerie could be just like Sabrina.
" - "Just" like me? - Uh-huh.
Let me go get Valerie.
Try and stay calm.
It would be so unusual for a spell to backfire on me.
Hey, Sabrina.
And they say no one bats a thousand.
Valerie, your hair looks just like mine.
I was gonna say the same thing to you.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Hey, I could get used to that.
Harvey, did you just do what I think you did? You mean, kiss Valerie? But I kiss everyone.
It's my Italian blood.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN.]
You're Slovenian.
Hey, I just got off the phone with Brock.
He asked me out on another date.
I'll get in touch with the people at Ripley's.
I really think Brock might be the one.
I mean, there's no posing, there's no pretence.
It's just a totally honest relationship.
So you told him you're a witch? Of course not.
Oh, by the way, the gallery called.
They wanna pick up some more of my paintings.
Brock's so impressed.
Fine, but I should inform you that my style has evolved.
I now work with found objects.
Old bicycle inner tubes, seashells, bio-waste, and incorporate them into my art.
Sounds awful.
I'm gonna be famous.
Here we go.
"Wishbone Spells.
See Sanders, Colonel.
Page 387.
" What? Salem, there's paint all over the page I need.
- Do you have any idea why? - I've been cleaning my brushes on it.
I heard that Lichtenstein cleaned his with Perrier and hundred dollar bills.
Thanks a lot.
I granted Mrs.
Birkhead's wish that Valerie be like me.
Not just like you.
Would we be having this conversation if I had left it vague? This is bad.
Pretty soon there'll be two Sabrinas and Valerie will disappear forever.
How can I phrase this in a way that will capture the spirit of the moment? Help.
Here's what you do: move to the Pacific Northwest and live out your days under an assumed name.
I recommend "Agnes.
" - Salem, you're useless.
- I'm an artist, not a logician.
There's gotta be a way around this.
Hey.
If Valerie's acting like me, all I have to do is start acting the way she used to act before she started acting like me.
She'll start acting like her old self and stop acting like me.
Get it? Would this be a bad time to tell you you're sitting on paint? I have an idea.
Have you ever thought about dying your hair brown? Like it would make a difference.
I just know I'm gonna flunk next week's history test, the Science Club wants to kick me out, and I'm pretty sure I'm the most unpopular girl in school.
- Really? SABRINA: Great, it's working.
Well, then I have to cheer you up because life is great and you're great.
Jeez, am I really that obnoxious? Come to dinner at my house.
I know that my aunts would love to see you.
- Your aunts? - Oops, I meant parents.
I won't take no for an answer.
See you tonight.
I know this can work, I just have to be twice as insecure.
It's times like this I hate coming from a loving environment.
I just know I'm not gonna get into college, and I'd bet anything Harvey's gonna break up with me, and the economic instability in Russia is really affecting my sleep.
You will get into college, Harvey won't break up with you, and Russia probably will collapse, but we don't live there.
Valerie has taught us so much with her new upbeat attitude.
It's like when I was looking over these plans for a new bridge at work.
I realised when I say, "not safe for humans," I'm like a broken record.
MRS.
BIRKHEAD: Everyone hungry? We've got fried chicken, onion rings, fatback and crackling.
Mom bought the new Elvis recipe book.
After dinner, can I go run with scissors again? SABRINA: This is gonna be harder than I thought.
Salem, I've got bad news.
I just got back from the gallery and your latest paintings bombed.
Oh, no.
But the good news is I've still got a date with Brock.
He really likes the way I handle setbacks.
See you.
Fame, you are a fickle mistress.
Well, I still have my art, and that's what's important.
I got into this because I love painting, not to get rich.
[CRYING.]
Who am I kidding? I just made a down payment on a mail-order bride.
[CONTINUES CRYING.]
- Hi, Sabrina.
- Hey.
Hey, Sabrina.
You know, I'm thinking of changing my name to Sabrina.
I mean, after all, it's what everyone calls me.
"Sabrina Birkhead.
" No, no, no.
"Sabrina Sirkhead.
" Sounds better with something with an S, wouldn't you say? Is nothing sacred? Hey, Harvey, what do you say you and I hit the Slicery this afternoon alone.
I know I'll be hungry.
Oh, that does it.
Now it's time to play hardball.
She's not stealing my life or my boyfriend.
Let's see if she still wants to be like me.
[GROWLS.]
Sabrina, has something been bothering you? Anything with just three chords ain't music.
Believe me, Sabrina, I recognise a cry for help when I see one.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable speaking with someone your own age who's a little more mature.
I know, Valerie.
[SALEM SOBBING.]
Salem, you know, Vincent van Gogh was a great artist, and he never sold a single painting during his lifetime.
SALEM: Really? What a loser.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Wonder who that is.
Ooh, maybe it's Brock.
- Who is it? MAN: Delivery for Spellman.
"Rest In Peace.
" "Deepest Sympathy.
" "Say hi to God for me"? Be glad you didn't get our biggest seller: "Good Riddance.
" Hilda, did you know you're in the newspaper? Really? Where? The obituary page.
Have you died and not told me? Either the afterlife is a disappointment of enormous proportions, or somebody owes me an explanation.
Salem? Look, everyone knows a painter's paintings get more valuable after he dies.
I'm just speeding up the process.
I'm referred to as your "long-time companion.
" Everyone is going to think that I'm dead.
SALEM: What's the big deal? You don't leave the house that much anyway.
SABRINA: So this is how it ends.
Me with a ring in my nose and no way out of this mess.
Well, at least the spell can't get any worse.
Sabrina, you're not gonna believe this.
I have magical powers.
Watch.
The phrase "spiralling out of control" comes to mind.
Oh, don't worry.
I promise to use them responsibly.
I'd never do anything frivolous with them.
What are you looking at, freaks? Well, most of the time.
It looks like you don't quite have a handle on that magic of yours.
We better go somewhere and figure out what to do.
You're not gonna turn me over to scientists, - or sell me to the government? - Oh, of course not.
Not right off the bat, anyway.
I came over as soon as I heard the news, Zelda.
Tell me, how did it happen? Um Would you excuse me for a moment? Who do we invite to the wake? Hilda, Brock's here.
Oh, that's right.
We've got a date.
Not so fast.
He thinks you're dead.
Well, when he sees me, he'll know I'm not.
SALEM: You can't go in there.
He's not as dumb as he looks.
He'll know you faked your death because your paintings weren't selling.
- I'll tell him they weren't my paintings.
- And he'll know you've been untruthful.
And the beautiful relationship you two had will be tainted by lies and more lies.
Just my luck.
I meet the guy of my dreams, but I die.
I'll let him down gently.
I know it's gotta hurt, Hilda, but you did kind of bring it on yourself.
Wait a minute.
What am I talking to a cat for? I don't have to tell Brock about the paintings.
I'll tell him the newspaper made a mistake.
Hilda Spelminsky died.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, there, there.
It's okay to cry.
Just use this tissue instead of my blouse.
Oh, sorry.
Hi, Brock.
The newspaper made a mistake.
[SCREAMING.]
HILDA: Brock.
[BROCK SCREAMS.]
Okay, that's not the way he usually greets me.
Uh, sorry, but Brock said he needed closure so I zapped in some photos of you in a coffin.
I'm so pale.
You're dead.
Okay, stay here and lay off the magic.
And I'll go figure out what to do.
Look, I've been thinking about it and it's gonna be so weird, Sabrina.
I'm gonna have to hide my powers and make up all sorts of excuses for the rest of my life.
You have no idea what kind of stress I'm gonna be under.
Right.
I have no idea.
Have you guys got a minute? Oh, look, Hilda.
Sabrina's going through that charming "to assert my independence I'm making myself as ugly as possible" phase.
I'll explain later.
I may have gotten in a small problem with charitable magic.
You did? Didn't you read the advisory by the Witches' Council in my magazine? It couldn't have been more explicit.
I blame the school system.
My retention's not what it should be.
So now Valerie's a witch.
Not a particularly good one, but still.
All right, Sabrina.
Here's what you have to do to reverse the spell.
First, change your clothes.
There's no reason to make the situation sadder.
Ah.
Then you've got to take Valerie home and somehow convince Mr.
and Mrs.
Birkhead to say, in these precise words: "We're happy Valerie changed.
" - Got it? - Why do I want them to say that? I want them to be not happy that Valerie has changed.
We know it's ironic.
We know it's illogical, but believe it or not, we know more about these things than you do.
Fine, okay.
Shouldn't be very hard.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Birkhead are thrilled with the new Valerie.
What happened? You guys were so upbeat before.
Remember that bridge I was telling you about? It's still standing.
Twenty feet below sea level.
I just got fired for recommending a heart patient loosen up and try lard.
Well, what about Warren? I mean, you seem happy.
[IN HOARSE VOICE.]
I found out the hard way: electrical sockets are not toys.
If you ask me, our troubles started about the time Valerie changed.
Oh, but you're glad she changed, right? Not at all.
We miss the old Valerie.
But you didn't realise how much until she changed, so you're really glad she changed.
- No.
- I see.
Okay, I know what will liven things up.
Let's play charades.
- Now? - Now? I'll go first.
It's not the name of a book or a movie.
It's just a particular phrase, okay? - Small? - Tiny? - Wee? - Yes.
Okay, "we.
" Next word.
Oh, I've got it.
Happy.
Okay, "We're happy--" - Valerie? - Okay, "We're happy Valerie.
" - We're almost done.
- Mom, Dad, I can't keep it a secret any longer.
I've got magical powers.
Watch.
Valerie, you changed Warren into a dingo.
"Changed.
" You said "changed.
" You said, "We're happy Valerie changed.
" Uh, did I just see what I thought I saw? Of course not.
It's that crackpot diet of yours.
You eat enough pastrami and bear claws, you're gonna start seeing things.
What--? What happened? How did I get here? You seemed to believe you had magical powers, dear.
You tried to change Warren into a dingo.
I did? I am such a loser.
[CRYING.]
Oh, our baby, she's back.
SABRINA: That's all? - Yes.
You've gotta read and chronologically organise all of your aunt Zelda's Enchanted By magazines.
Then we'll consider the matter settled.
And to make sure you actually read and don't skim, there will be a quiz when you're done.
Fine by me.
As a frequent victim of your punishments, I'd say you guys are getting soft.
SABRINA: Whoa.
Did I mention that I've been a loyal Enchanted By subscriber for over 375 years? Believe it or not, this is nothing compared to the International Male she's got stacked in the basement.
This is child abuse.
Do you know how many paper cuts I could get? SALEM: You think you've got it bad? And I'm supposed to be on my honeymoon.
[CRYING.]
Hey, Salem, when did you start painting? When no one would read my screenplay.
I need a creative outlet.
Well, my background in this area is pretty much limited to spin art, but I like what I see.
Well, let's not forget my model.
She deserves some of the credit.
Do you mind if I put my nose back? I've gotta sneeze.
For your safety, please watch the following video.
Oh, you can read a magazine, but you didn't have time to read my screenplay.
I got through volumes one and two, but then it seemed to drift.
This is Enchanted By, the magazine for witches.
Anything in there about dating mortals? You'll do anything to work the fact that you're dating into the conversation.
That's not true.
Has anyone seen my book bag? The guy I'm dating has books.
Sabrina, I want you to check out this month's Enchanted By.
There happen to be some very edifying articles.
"Nose Warts: How to Hide Them.
" Oh, good, it's got pictures.
The guy I'm dating has a nose.
Okay, I'll stop.
I want you to read the bulletin from the Witches' Council.
They're advising witches under the age of 21 to refrain from charitable magic.
Whew, relieved of the burden of helping others.
Charitable magic can have disastrous long-term consequences.
For instance, the teenage witch in Ohio who zapped away her best friend's acne.
- How thoughtful.
- Seemed that way, but as it turns out, her best friend was destined to one day discover a cure for acne.
So now, no cure.
And now, instead of being a scientist, she'll be a smooth-faced wino.
I'll add that to my list of 10,000 other witch rules I'm supposed to follow.
Would you mind terribly if I asked for that in a crystal bowl? As an artist, I'm sensitive about these things.
Allow me.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN.]
ZELDA: Sabrina, that was charitable.
You didn't listen to a word I said.
Oh, come on.
Salem's not gonna accomplish anything in his life.
I'm still way ahead of half the Kennedy children.
Harvey, you're gonna be late for Chemistry.
What are you doing? Trying to open my locker.
You think my gym shoes could be causing a vacuum? SABRINA: I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I doubt there's a Nobel Prize in Harvey's future.
Whoa, somebody's been working out.
Sabrina, I've gotta ask you something.
If it's about your hair, yes, it does look like a woodland creature's home.
Oh, yeah? Well, I didn't really have time to fix it this morning.
You know, Libby, speaking of hair, how's your chronic lice problem? I mean, you should be charging those little fellows rent.
That was great, Sabrina.
Look, I hate to put you in the position of having to say no, but my mom's always on me about having a friend over for dinner, and I've been putting it off for 13 years, but she's like a dog with a bone.
Val, stop being so insecure.
- I'd love to come over.
- Really? Tonight is charades night at the Birkhead house.
Sounds like fun, and it beats "throw out the fuzzy food" night at my house.
You know, painting has opened up a whole new world for me.
My soul is soaring.
Now, how can I use this God-given talent for material gain? I know.
All I need is a human.
Close enough.
It smells like turpentine in here.
Did you order from that sushi place again? Do me a favour and take these paintings down to that hip new gallery in town.
You know, the one with all the driftwood art.
I can't.
Brock's picking me up for our date any minute.
Besides, no gallery would ever buy paintings done by a cat.
How about if you're the painter? We'll split the commission right down the middle: Eighty-20.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
But I don't like your paintings.
They're creepy.
Why don't you paint something pretty on velvet? Hilda, Brock's here.
Who ordered sushi? - Hi, Hilda.
- Hi.
Say, who's the artist in the family? These paintings are remarkable.
Oh, it's really just a hobby.
SALEM: Oh, yeah.
So you see, Sabrina, being a safety inspector boils down to this: people pay me to do their worrying for them.
Do you get a bonus for panicking? By the way, Warren, I picked this up for you on the way home.
- Great bicycle helmet.
- Oh, no.
We wear them in the car.
Twenty bucks to keep that information inside these walls.
Have some chopped beets, Sabrina.
Mom's a nutritionist.
Everything we eat is healthy.
I never said being my friend would be easy.
Don't worry.
I can make almost anything disappear.
What a beautiful shade of red.
I could use that colour to create a masterpiece.
No, I'll just eat it.
Twenty-six, 27, 28.
Now you may swallow.
Hey, look, a wishbone.
I once choked on a ham bone.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Why don't you and Mr.
Birkhead make a wish? No, thank you.
We're not the whimsical sort.
Come on.
Live a little.
Well, all right, then.
But everyone shield your eyes, there may be bone shards.
SABRINA: I guess this is sort of charity, but I'm so bored.
Make a good wish.
Their lives are so dry Here's what we'll do Take whatever they wish And make it come true Ah.
Okay, who wants, or is willing to try, rhubarb pie? Yummy.
[HUMMING.]
Looks like pie.
I-- [SNIFFING.]
Smells terrible.
Bad colours.
I don't-- I won't eat this.
I refuse to eat-- [CHEWING.]
Strong.
- Round.
- Round.
Oh, I've got it.
The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds.
Wow.
I couldn't even get Little Women.
I'm such a loser.
Okay, that makes the final charades score: Sabrina, 18.
Everyone else, two.
Well, I really gotta get going.
I'm really tired and no wonder.
It's 8:15.
This is the latest anyone has ever stayed, including blood relatives.
Thank you.
It was nice to see you, Sabrina.
Dinner was terrific and thanks for the recipe.
That lima bean loaf really did taste like tofu.
Leave before she tries to put some in a sack.
Gotta go.
You really livened up our evening, Sabrina.
In fact, that's what I wished for.
That our Valerie would be happier and more upbeat like you.
SABRINA: A happier Valerie.
What could be wrong with that? So, what happened at the gallery? - They bought all the paintings.
- Yes.
And they wanna have an exhibition of your work.
I mean, our work.
I mean, my work.
Don't you wanna hear about my date? No.
Let's see the money.
Here.
Why did you want it all in singles? SALEM: So I can do this: I'm rich! Rich, I tell you! Salem, it's only a few hundred dollars.
I'm well-off! Well-off I tell you! [CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Sabrina, that was really fun last night.
For the first time in years I didn't have my "naked in the Superdome" dream.
I'm glad you're in a good mood.
Yeah, I just feel different for some reason.
I'd like to thank the two of you for always travelling together.
It helps me insult you that much more efficiently.
Libby, better run along.
Aren't you late for your-- "Future Bitter Divorcées of America" meeting? My worst nightmare: freaks in Sensurround.
That felt great.
Well, better get to Algebra II.
She is more upbeat.
Man, I'm good.
"A 25-foot ladder is leaning against a garage.
Its base is 12 feet from the wall.
How high up does the ladder reach?" Oh, I know.
The ladder is-- Why, Valerie, that's another one right.
Either you've been studying, or have I been mouthing the answers again? No, Valerie's just becoming more like a person that's good in math.
So have you noticed anything different about Valerie lately? Now that you mention it, she seems a lot more happy and relaxed, like you.
Oh, well, you mean that she reminds you of me, right? Not that she's actually becoming like me.
Guys don't struggle with issues like that.
- Valerie, wait.
- I can't.
I signed up to help with Spanish tutoring.
Me too.
Since when do you speak Spanish? [SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
That's Spanish, you know.
- Valerie-- - Sabrina-- - You first.
- I just-- - Stop! - Stop! So weird.
It's like we have the same brain or something.
Man, I'm late.
Gotta go.
- Oh, Sabrina.
- Hi, Mrs.
Birkhead.
- I was on my way to Science Club-- - Valerie said she's gonna join that.
Oh, well, there's a surprise.
Anyway, I was just wondering about the wish you made the other night.
Do you remember your exact words? I said, "I wish our Valerie could be just like Sabrina.
" - "Just" like me? - Uh-huh.
Let me go get Valerie.
Try and stay calm.
It would be so unusual for a spell to backfire on me.
Hey, Sabrina.
And they say no one bats a thousand.
Valerie, your hair looks just like mine.
I was gonna say the same thing to you.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Hey, I could get used to that.
Harvey, did you just do what I think you did? You mean, kiss Valerie? But I kiss everyone.
It's my Italian blood.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN.]
You're Slovenian.
Hey, I just got off the phone with Brock.
He asked me out on another date.
I'll get in touch with the people at Ripley's.
I really think Brock might be the one.
I mean, there's no posing, there's no pretence.
It's just a totally honest relationship.
So you told him you're a witch? Of course not.
Oh, by the way, the gallery called.
They wanna pick up some more of my paintings.
Brock's so impressed.
Fine, but I should inform you that my style has evolved.
I now work with found objects.
Old bicycle inner tubes, seashells, bio-waste, and incorporate them into my art.
Sounds awful.
I'm gonna be famous.
Here we go.
"Wishbone Spells.
See Sanders, Colonel.
Page 387.
" What? Salem, there's paint all over the page I need.
- Do you have any idea why? - I've been cleaning my brushes on it.
I heard that Lichtenstein cleaned his with Perrier and hundred dollar bills.
Thanks a lot.
I granted Mrs.
Birkhead's wish that Valerie be like me.
Not just like you.
Would we be having this conversation if I had left it vague? This is bad.
Pretty soon there'll be two Sabrinas and Valerie will disappear forever.
How can I phrase this in a way that will capture the spirit of the moment? Help.
Here's what you do: move to the Pacific Northwest and live out your days under an assumed name.
I recommend "Agnes.
" - Salem, you're useless.
- I'm an artist, not a logician.
There's gotta be a way around this.
Hey.
If Valerie's acting like me, all I have to do is start acting the way she used to act before she started acting like me.
She'll start acting like her old self and stop acting like me.
Get it? Would this be a bad time to tell you you're sitting on paint? I have an idea.
Have you ever thought about dying your hair brown? Like it would make a difference.
I just know I'm gonna flunk next week's history test, the Science Club wants to kick me out, and I'm pretty sure I'm the most unpopular girl in school.
- Really? SABRINA: Great, it's working.
Well, then I have to cheer you up because life is great and you're great.
Jeez, am I really that obnoxious? Come to dinner at my house.
I know that my aunts would love to see you.
- Your aunts? - Oops, I meant parents.
I won't take no for an answer.
See you tonight.
I know this can work, I just have to be twice as insecure.
It's times like this I hate coming from a loving environment.
I just know I'm not gonna get into college, and I'd bet anything Harvey's gonna break up with me, and the economic instability in Russia is really affecting my sleep.
You will get into college, Harvey won't break up with you, and Russia probably will collapse, but we don't live there.
Valerie has taught us so much with her new upbeat attitude.
It's like when I was looking over these plans for a new bridge at work.
I realised when I say, "not safe for humans," I'm like a broken record.
MRS.
BIRKHEAD: Everyone hungry? We've got fried chicken, onion rings, fatback and crackling.
Mom bought the new Elvis recipe book.
After dinner, can I go run with scissors again? SABRINA: This is gonna be harder than I thought.
Salem, I've got bad news.
I just got back from the gallery and your latest paintings bombed.
Oh, no.
But the good news is I've still got a date with Brock.
He really likes the way I handle setbacks.
See you.
Fame, you are a fickle mistress.
Well, I still have my art, and that's what's important.
I got into this because I love painting, not to get rich.
[CRYING.]
Who am I kidding? I just made a down payment on a mail-order bride.
[CONTINUES CRYING.]
- Hi, Sabrina.
- Hey.
Hey, Sabrina.
You know, I'm thinking of changing my name to Sabrina.
I mean, after all, it's what everyone calls me.
"Sabrina Birkhead.
" No, no, no.
"Sabrina Sirkhead.
" Sounds better with something with an S, wouldn't you say? Is nothing sacred? Hey, Harvey, what do you say you and I hit the Slicery this afternoon alone.
I know I'll be hungry.
Oh, that does it.
Now it's time to play hardball.
She's not stealing my life or my boyfriend.
Let's see if she still wants to be like me.
[GROWLS.]
Sabrina, has something been bothering you? Anything with just three chords ain't music.
Believe me, Sabrina, I recognise a cry for help when I see one.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable speaking with someone your own age who's a little more mature.
I know, Valerie.
[SALEM SOBBING.]
Salem, you know, Vincent van Gogh was a great artist, and he never sold a single painting during his lifetime.
SALEM: Really? What a loser.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Wonder who that is.
Ooh, maybe it's Brock.
- Who is it? MAN: Delivery for Spellman.
"Rest In Peace.
" "Deepest Sympathy.
" "Say hi to God for me"? Be glad you didn't get our biggest seller: "Good Riddance.
" Hilda, did you know you're in the newspaper? Really? Where? The obituary page.
Have you died and not told me? Either the afterlife is a disappointment of enormous proportions, or somebody owes me an explanation.
Salem? Look, everyone knows a painter's paintings get more valuable after he dies.
I'm just speeding up the process.
I'm referred to as your "long-time companion.
" Everyone is going to think that I'm dead.
SALEM: What's the big deal? You don't leave the house that much anyway.
SABRINA: So this is how it ends.
Me with a ring in my nose and no way out of this mess.
Well, at least the spell can't get any worse.
Sabrina, you're not gonna believe this.
I have magical powers.
Watch.
The phrase "spiralling out of control" comes to mind.
Oh, don't worry.
I promise to use them responsibly.
I'd never do anything frivolous with them.
What are you looking at, freaks? Well, most of the time.
It looks like you don't quite have a handle on that magic of yours.
We better go somewhere and figure out what to do.
You're not gonna turn me over to scientists, - or sell me to the government? - Oh, of course not.
Not right off the bat, anyway.
I came over as soon as I heard the news, Zelda.
Tell me, how did it happen? Um Would you excuse me for a moment? Who do we invite to the wake? Hilda, Brock's here.
Oh, that's right.
We've got a date.
Not so fast.
He thinks you're dead.
Well, when he sees me, he'll know I'm not.
SALEM: You can't go in there.
He's not as dumb as he looks.
He'll know you faked your death because your paintings weren't selling.
- I'll tell him they weren't my paintings.
- And he'll know you've been untruthful.
And the beautiful relationship you two had will be tainted by lies and more lies.
Just my luck.
I meet the guy of my dreams, but I die.
I'll let him down gently.
I know it's gotta hurt, Hilda, but you did kind of bring it on yourself.
Wait a minute.
What am I talking to a cat for? I don't have to tell Brock about the paintings.
I'll tell him the newspaper made a mistake.
Hilda Spelminsky died.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, there, there.
It's okay to cry.
Just use this tissue instead of my blouse.
Oh, sorry.
Hi, Brock.
The newspaper made a mistake.
[SCREAMING.]
HILDA: Brock.
[BROCK SCREAMS.]
Okay, that's not the way he usually greets me.
Uh, sorry, but Brock said he needed closure so I zapped in some photos of you in a coffin.
I'm so pale.
You're dead.
Okay, stay here and lay off the magic.
And I'll go figure out what to do.
Look, I've been thinking about it and it's gonna be so weird, Sabrina.
I'm gonna have to hide my powers and make up all sorts of excuses for the rest of my life.
You have no idea what kind of stress I'm gonna be under.
Right.
I have no idea.
Have you guys got a minute? Oh, look, Hilda.
Sabrina's going through that charming "to assert my independence I'm making myself as ugly as possible" phase.
I'll explain later.
I may have gotten in a small problem with charitable magic.
You did? Didn't you read the advisory by the Witches' Council in my magazine? It couldn't have been more explicit.
I blame the school system.
My retention's not what it should be.
So now Valerie's a witch.
Not a particularly good one, but still.
All right, Sabrina.
Here's what you have to do to reverse the spell.
First, change your clothes.
There's no reason to make the situation sadder.
Ah.
Then you've got to take Valerie home and somehow convince Mr.
and Mrs.
Birkhead to say, in these precise words: "We're happy Valerie changed.
" - Got it? - Why do I want them to say that? I want them to be not happy that Valerie has changed.
We know it's ironic.
We know it's illogical, but believe it or not, we know more about these things than you do.
Fine, okay.
Shouldn't be very hard.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Birkhead are thrilled with the new Valerie.
What happened? You guys were so upbeat before.
Remember that bridge I was telling you about? It's still standing.
Twenty feet below sea level.
I just got fired for recommending a heart patient loosen up and try lard.
Well, what about Warren? I mean, you seem happy.
[IN HOARSE VOICE.]
I found out the hard way: electrical sockets are not toys.
If you ask me, our troubles started about the time Valerie changed.
Oh, but you're glad she changed, right? Not at all.
We miss the old Valerie.
But you didn't realise how much until she changed, so you're really glad she changed.
- No.
- I see.
Okay, I know what will liven things up.
Let's play charades.
- Now? - Now? I'll go first.
It's not the name of a book or a movie.
It's just a particular phrase, okay? - Small? - Tiny? - Wee? - Yes.
Okay, "we.
" Next word.
Oh, I've got it.
Happy.
Okay, "We're happy--" - Valerie? - Okay, "We're happy Valerie.
" - We're almost done.
- Mom, Dad, I can't keep it a secret any longer.
I've got magical powers.
Watch.
Valerie, you changed Warren into a dingo.
"Changed.
" You said "changed.
" You said, "We're happy Valerie changed.
" Uh, did I just see what I thought I saw? Of course not.
It's that crackpot diet of yours.
You eat enough pastrami and bear claws, you're gonna start seeing things.
What--? What happened? How did I get here? You seemed to believe you had magical powers, dear.
You tried to change Warren into a dingo.
I did? I am such a loser.
[CRYING.]
Oh, our baby, she's back.
SABRINA: That's all? - Yes.
You've gotta read and chronologically organise all of your aunt Zelda's Enchanted By magazines.
Then we'll consider the matter settled.
And to make sure you actually read and don't skim, there will be a quiz when you're done.
Fine by me.
As a frequent victim of your punishments, I'd say you guys are getting soft.
SABRINA: Whoa.
Did I mention that I've been a loyal Enchanted By subscriber for over 375 years? Believe it or not, this is nothing compared to the International Male she's got stacked in the basement.
This is child abuse.
Do you know how many paper cuts I could get? SALEM: You think you've got it bad? And I'm supposed to be on my honeymoon.
[CRYING.]