Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e12 Episode Script

1 JOHNNY: Oh, Moira, kids this is so unnecessary.
What is it? It's a gift from us to your father.
Okay.
Yeah, I rather not attach my name to a gift that I had no hand in selecting.
Oh, God.
Oh my God.
Where did you find this, honey? Well, Moira told me it was down at the post office, - so I - I was talking to my wife.
The Van Housens found it in their storage room and thought that we should have it.
(shocked gasps) Who's the lady in the back? It's Moira.
Flattering.
It's a family portrait, Roland.
Oh you - you all look like cartoons.
- Wow.
It's so weird, I don't even remember posing for this.
Because you didn't.
You were in rehab when we sat for this.
I wasn't in rehab, I was at rehab visiting Stavros.
Oh, that's right.
We had your face painted on the body of my assistant.
Hm.
That's why you look so good.
(fake chuckle) Well, I love it.
Let's get this inside.
- David.
- Huh? What? 20 bucks, I'll give you a hand taking it in.
- Oh yeah.
David.
- What?! - 30 bucks and I'll help you in with it.
- Mm, right.
David! I don't know what! What? What? What? What do you want? 40 buck and I'll help you in with in.
I can keep going up.
Can play this game all day, pal.
I can't tell if this room is just very, very small, or if the portrait is very, very big.
Well, I think it's quite possible both are true.
(sighs) Do you think the Van Housens had it enlarged? No, Th-this is the actual size.
Remember, Reiner wanted to paint it twice as big.
Oh, look at it, John.
Well, don't worry, we'll we'll find a place for it.
Ah, you know, we can take things off a wall, or mm rearrange some furniture.
Maybe move some wigs.
Oh John, I know how nostalgic you still get for the old days, and I just wanted to do something thoughtful for you.
Oh, Moira, this portrait is a wonderful reminder of your generous spirit and the enormous strength of this family.
Aw - - (hammering outside) Um, is that your juice? Ah, no.
Technically, I think it's our juice, ah, because you just took it from the fridge and didn't pay for it so Mm-hm.
Um It's just that I don't normally share beverages with people.
Really.
That is shocking news.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fortunately, um, you look like you have a clean mouth so Sorry.
A clean mouth? Yeah.
Some people have nice, clean mouths, and some people have sloppy mouths.
I see.
(chuckles) So, hey, I was thinking about our, ah, our launch party, and I think we should take out like a full page in the local news, and just make it a make it a thing, you know.
Mm um Well, do you not think people are gonna show? No, no.
I do.
I just think if we're going big, let's go big.
Yeah.
'Cause um, 'cause I was thinking what if we did like a soft launch.
Um, and you know, just test the store out on a small group of people.
Did like an exclusive VIP guest list, and offered, you know, a friends and family discount as incentive.
Ha, now it's sounding like you don't think people will show.
No, I do.
I do think, um, that people will come.
It's just, you know, I look to like Gwyneth who soft-launched the 'goop' newsletter and now it's a thriving lifestyle publication slash empire, and I have no idea what you're talking about, but it's up to you.
Ah, either way you do need to call the electrician to hang these lights that were supposed to be up a week ago.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was waiting I was waiting for a call back from him.
- Mm.
- But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna follow up.
Sure.
Can I have my juice back, please? No.
You have a sloppy mouth.
- - Hey, did Mrs.
Syzlak call? She's late for her appointment.
Um yeah.
She cancelled.
She said that her cat is better.
She doesn't have a cat.
Okay.
Sorry, who am I thinking of? Um, somebody isn't coming in today and someone's cat is better.
Oh, and someone's something may be worse Is everything okay? You usually take down the messages, even if you forget to give them to me.
It's just that my grades are being posted today so I'm just kind of avoiding the computer.
Oh.
O-o-okay.
Well, that's not really an option so how about I'll just look for you.
No, it's okay, I can do it.
It's just that if I fail I may need the afternoon off.
Also not an option, but I will be here for you if it's bad news.
Oh my God, Ted.
- I passed! - Really? Yeah.
I got a 60 and a 65! No, Alexis, those are the class averages.
You got a 63 and a 68! Oh my God! - (happy laughter) - (excited squealing) Ju Well uh congrats.
Um.
Thank you.
Um, I'm just gonna, um I'm just gonna call Mrs.
Syzlak, and just make sure that her cat's doing okay.
It's Mrs.
Syzlak and she doesn't have a cat, but you should call her back.
and I, in the mean time, will go to get back to work-o.
- Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm.
- (disconnected phone beeping) Hmm 'Kay.
- - Hi, so I wanted to talk to you about Oh my God.
Yeah.
I know.
We're still looking for a place to hang it.
Did it grow? Can we cover it with something or? I tried.
Sheets aren't big enough.
Can we help you, David? Uh, yes.
Actually I wanted you to be the first to know that Patrick and I will be launching the store this Friday.
- (gasps) Ooh! - Oh great news! - A grand opening.
- Mm.
Hm.
We've doing more of a soft launch.
- I don't like the sound of that.
- Why? It's actually a very effective business strategy.
And it's always better to go under.
- Go under? - No.
David, if the business is foundering it's best to tell us now.
No! When it comes to expectations it's always to go under than over.
Yeah, I don't know if that's true, son.
Every Rose video we opened had fireworks.
Day or night.
People love pizazz.
Okay, well, this is gonna be the opposite of that.
We're inviting a select group of VIP's, and offering a 25 percent friends and family discount.
- Well, that sounds meek.
- Okay.
Friends are getting the same discount as family? That doesn't sound right.
Well, that's what we're doing.
Well, what if your mother and I go in and buy something together? Does that mean we get a 50 percent discount? Why would you wanna spend less money at my store? David, we are happy to support this modest little vigil you're hosting but to hand out discounts before the store has even birthed it sounds a tad defeatist.
I hope you don't mind if I keep this information to myself.
I don't want you to share the news.
The smaller the better.
Oh, rarely has that been a recipe for success.
I'm really glad I came in here.
- We love you! - Keep reaching, son! (light knock) Hello.
Um, I called Mrs.
Syzlak, and sorted it all out.
She will be in tomorrow.
So, I'm just gonna go back to my desk, which is where I work.
Uh, we should talk about the kiss.
Definitely.
Personally, I don't think it was that a big deal.
Yeah.
Neither do I.
We're adults.
We should be allowed to have an adult kiss from time to time.
- Totally.
An adult kiss.
- Yes! Like when parents kiss their friends ju on the mouth.
Yes.
Like kissing your parents.
That's exactly what I was gonna say.
Yeah.
I mean, we're friends so Agreed.
(chuckles) Oh! Here's something, speaking of friend stuff, um David is doing this friends and family discount for his store opening.
And I know that you love discounts, so, I was thinking that maybe we could go - Yeah.
That sounds yeah.
- As friends.
I would go as family, and you would go as friends of the family.
Well, I do love discounts.
(chuckles) In fact they had to delete Groupon from my phone last week, just 'cause three vacuums is enough vacuums.
Yeah.
Cool.
Okay.
So um back to work-o.
- Watch out! Oh.
- (light thud) Oh! Ow.
- Oh my God.
- Isn't it something? Huh? (chuckles) I always felt something was missing in here and then it occurred to me that a lot of family-run businesses hang a portrait of the family in the workplace.
Oh.
Well, that reminds me, I've been meaning to have my family portrait airlifted in Well, I know it's a little arresting at first, but I think with time you won't even know it's here.
Mm I don't think that's gonna happen.
You don't look very happy in this.
Well, it wasn't the style to look happy.
The motivation was to look successful.
You know this used to hang in the great hall of our house.
Oh, now this seems a little understated for a great hall.
I'd look at it every morning.
The family often wasn't all together back then, but, uh, I could look at this and there we were.
Well, you guys are together, like, all the time now, so, who needs this, - right? - Well, that's true.
But, this happens to be one of the only possessions that wasn't sold off.
Really? You'd think there'd be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people's families.
Why does it seem like Mrs.
Roses eyes are following me? Oh, she paid extra for that.
- TWYLA: Here you go.
- - Two tuna melts.
- Oh.
I didn't order tuna melts, - but I don't have time to - Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind, but I told a few people about your big store opening.
Big store opening? Isn't it a friends and family sale.
Yes.
Which is why you would be invited as a friend.
- Um, who told you about our little - David, just the guy I wanted to see.
Listen, uh, Gwen wanted me to ask you Er, if if we both have plus-ones for the opening, or do we have to be each other's plus-ones.
Who's Gwen? (laughs) That's very funny.
Oh, my mother's boyfriend wanted to bring his secretary.
He did? Why not.
Um, I'm gonna go.
But I'm really glad that someone told you.
um and Bob and Gwen.
(car rumbles) (footsteps thud) (door creaks open) Uh how many people did you tell about Friday? Just the names on my pre-approved list.
Why? Uh, because I have been approached by a lot of people who are not on the pre-approved list.
Well, you know, sometimes when you tell everyone that it's exclusive, then everybody just wants in.
Like how many people are we talking about? Uh, I don't know.
Twyla's whole family.
So, like, 75? (inhaling whistle) - Should've ordered more food and wine.
- Uh Well, looks like this soft launch is firming up a bit, huh.
But it's not supposed to be firm.
Well, with this many people it's definitely at least semi-firm.
Okay.
Well, as long as it doesn't get hard.
And that's something, that's what I just said to you, so What? (quietly excited laughter and chatter) Oh my God.
Hey, back of the line, bro! Hey! No cutting! 'Scuse me, this is my store.
Who are you? I'm Darleen's cousin.
Who the fuck are you? My God.
Ah That kind of language, folks, will not be tolerated at Rose Apothecary.
Thank you.
- This is a safe place.
- (doors creak open and shut) Uh, so I was just verbally assaulted by a very off-brand customer in line outside.
Well, David, I have really underestimated you.
How so? Who knew you had so many friends, or, uh, family members, - for that matter.
- Okay.
What do we do? - I for one blame Gwyneth.
Um - David, relax.
It's going to be fine.
Oh my God, the lights! I didn't call the electrician.
- (light clicks on) - Do Watched a lot of YouTube tutorials.
This is very impressive.
Well, there is a good chance I didn't wire that properly, so that's why I also got the insurance that you forgot to get.
M'kay.
Um, there's only so much that I can do in a day.
- Mm.
- So um Are we ready to do this? Open the doors.
Okay (clears throat then whispers) Softly.
Okay.
(loud hum of chatter) (jazz music plays) Find everything okay? (door creaks open) (loud hum of chatter) - (jazz music plays) - (cash register beeping) JOHN: Wow.
Wow.
David did all this? I can't believe it.
He's managed to create, in this town, something truly winsome.
I would shop here, John.
Even without a nagging sense of obligation.
And look at look at the labels on everything.
- (Moira gasps) - 'Rose Apothecary.
' The Rose name on another plucky young business.
We should go congratulate him.
We should but our son is very hard at work.
Doing it.
Here you go.
And the scarf.
Is this wearing it, is it? So um, this says foot cream on it.
What happens if I use it on my hand? Um, I'm pretty sure your hands are gonna be fine.
Okay, and it's like 50 percent off if Jocelyn and I both buy it at the same time? Um, n-no.
Have you been talking to my dad - about the discount? - Roly, you can bargain later.
Um, David, I need to ask ya a little question about this baggy of Joshua tree tea? - Sure.
- Is it drugs? Uh, no.
It's loose leaf tea.
Okay.
Because it smells exactly like Oh, come on! Ah, wow! Geez, I didn't realize this place was a front.
It's not a front.
That is a tea that Mr.
Hockley makes out of a greenhouse on his farm.
And now that I've said it out loud, I might have to double check.
Hmm.
Well, honey, why don't we, um, grab a few bags of Mr.
Hockley's - tea.
(laughs) - Go get 'em.
I love tea.
(laughs) ROLY: Yeah, I'm a big tea drinker now.
Started drinking tea in high school.
(birds chirp) Cedar dragon.
(spritzes) (sniffs) Hm.
That's different.
What do you think? Um.
mm.
Mm, yeah, you know? Um, I don't know.
I mean, it's nice but I also, I don't know.
I think you should probably get it or not, whatever Oh! Look who's here! Alexis and - Ted.
- Oh, Ted.
Good to see you, Mr.
and Mrs.
Rose.
I take it that Alexis has told you the big news? - Big news? - ALEXIS: Um well, it wasn't that big a deal, but the other day at work Ted and I went to hug No, ah, actually I was talking about you passing your exams.
Honey! You passed! - (laughing) - Oh! Alexis, what a delightful surprise! Not that I'm surprised.
I had nothing but doubts No doubts.
That you could do this.
Well, I'm just glad to be done.
- Well, it's been quite the day, Moira.
- Mm-hm.
You know, I had an idea about what to do with the portrait.
Oh, it's still there, waiting for us.
Isn't it? I was thinking, to save space, we could cut our faces out and make four smaller, individual portraits.
We could here's another thought: we bid it farewell.
Are you kidding? Doesn't fit, John.
And I don't just mean literally.
We aren't those people anymore.
We are, but we aren't.
You know, you might be right.
It's funny when I look at that portrait now, I find myself wondering Were we really that happy back then? - Yes.
- We were.
Oh, deliriously happy.
Oh, and I miss that beach house.
Oh my God, I still dream that we wake up in our old bed.
- Nothing's changed.
- No.
No.
We can't go down that road, Moira.
We have to focus on what we do have.
No? Yes.
Yes.
(car rumbles) Ah, hey, I Alexis? I, um Oh, right.
You were going that way.
Ah, no, no.
I want to say, that I got you a little something for passing your exams.
Oh.
Oh, Ted! You picked up a stick.
Uh, no, it's a it's a pencil shaped like a twig.
I got it at the store.
Wasn't that was sneaky of you.
I will definitely try to use this.
It looks very delicate.
Yeah, it's a lot more expensive than I thought, too.
I hate it when they don't put price tags on things.
Thank you, Ted.
Oh, no I didn't I didn't mean.
That was supposed to be like, um like a thank you adult kiss.
Yeah, the thing is I think, um, maybe we should just avoid kisses for a while.
Even adult ones.
Of course.
Probably better if we just adult hug and adult work together.
I totally get that.
Okay.
Great.
Adult high five? Yeah.
- - (David sighs) (light Jazz song plays) Well, this was a success.
I would say so.
Yeah.
Although, you know, we'd be, ah, 25 percent richer If we just done a hard launch.
But hey, I'm just a numbers guy.
Mm-hm.
Um, but had we not done the soft launch we wouldn't have lured all those people.
Mm.
Well, you know, the best thing is that we never have to talk about it again because we've officially open.
That is true.
Congratulations, man.
Congratulations to you.
(lights flicker) - I can fix that.
Kinda liking - Okay.
Yeah.
I was just gonna say that that might need fixing.
Well, it fits here.
I wonder what else the Van Housens took from us.
Don't waste your time thinking about those human vultures.
I think they did us a favour.
They sent us a reminder that it's not always good to hold onto the past.
Speak for yourself, I look super cute.
Okay, that's not actually your body though.
Um, okay, but it's my face, David.
Okay, let's go.
There's something really weird happening with mom's eyes.
It's like they're following me.
- Oh, they are.
- Oh God.
(chuckles)