Scrubs s03e12 Episode Script

Everyone here thinks they know me inside and out.
- You look like you could use help.
- Nope.
Even random people.
- You need help? - No, thanks, Dr whatever your name is.
They won't leave me alone.
- Free help here.
- Piss off.
You'd think they'd know where I'm gonna end up.
Dr Cox, I could use a little help.
Beyoncé, you could use a lot of help, but we all have to play the hand the big guy dealt us.
Unless you're lucky enough to have those Queer Eye guys show up at your door.
But I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever this is.
If you wanna use the appearance angle to knock my self-esteem, do it when my hair doesn't look awesome.
I know.
It's new wax.
- What is? - It's OK to want a piece.
Check out Mrs Barlow's chart.
I doubt myself with interstitial lung diseases.
Handle this yourself, Britney.
I'm going with female pop stars today.
Back when I was a resident I had trouble with metabolic diseases.
So I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
Got it.
You had trouble with metabolic diseases? No, I'm a good doctor.
There you go.
Hello, Mr Gallbladder.
Don't you get too comfy next to Mr Liver because here comes Dr Turk's robot laser.
Christopher, I could do without the colour commentary.
Why a colour commentary? Cos I'm doing it? Just kidding.
That was a near perfect laparoscopic cholecystectomy.
Have you been working on your dexterity? I've been playing a little John Madden football on my Xbox.
I'd like to play John Madden football on her Xbox.
On who, Todd? There are no women here.
Well, it's still funny.
The Todd used to be our number one lab-coli guy.
The torch has been passed.
Thank you, sir.
Dude.
Wait till you hear this.
Dr Wen just said I'm the number one lab-coli guy.
Disappointed? I shoulda waited till there was a chick around for the Xbox joke.
You know? He knows.
I was excited for Turk and he was excited about my big hair news.
- New wax did that? - I couldn't believe it either.
- New wax did that? - I couldn't believe it either.
Sorry about the girl talk.
- We were talking man's - Big trucks.
Have you seen these lately? - Your hair smells like Elliot's.
- Your breath smells like chimichangas.
- Is that racist? - That depends.
- Did you have them for breakfast? - Maybe.
What Carla really smelled was all the excitement in the air.
There's a visiting professor coming who's a medical attending and a surgeon.
Two specialties and to us, that kinda makes him Super-Doc.
Super-Doc.
Dammit.
Fine, a super doc with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
How hard is it to step in here left foot first and simultaneously exhale as my right foot plants? How hard? - Not that hard? - Exactly, shaved-head guy.
- Whose hair smells like lilacs? - Hers and his.
Well, that's very pretty.
And deeply disturbing.
- The jar said unisex.
- I know.
Dammit.
Dr Kevin Casey.
Dr Kevin Casey.
At my hospital they don't make you sign forms to cut open people, you just have to bring your own knifey thingy.
- Scalpel.
- That's the word.
Dr Kevin Casey.
- Why do you keep saying your name? - It just keeps me from losing my jinkies later, thinking I forgot something.
It's OK.
You can say it.
It's just that you're a doctor with pretty severe OCD.
- It's not a secret.
- I know.
I always talk like this.
Be hard keeping that up for the month I'm here.
- I can do it.
- I believe in you.
Kevin Casey? Holy Cow! Get outta Dodge.
Tell me this, are you shaking hands nowadays? Well, a lifetime of therapy, and a whole lot of Zoloft just so I can appropriately greet you, big guy.
- Attaboy.
- I do have a three-second limit.
Boy, who doesn't? You realise I haven't laid eyes on you since we were residents together? And, I'll tell you this, big Kevo, I always knew I'd see you again.
I never thought I'd see that guy again.
I mean, he had to drop out of our residency class because of the God-awful severity of his condition.
I can't imagine you as a resident.
- Hey, Coxy? - Shut up, jackass.
I rock.
Was the hair and earring cos you were in a band or cos you loved pirates? Loved pirates.
Just like me.
- I don't want a piece.
- Well, you're the only one.
OK? Dr Cox, I'm gonna take you out for a beer.
I wanna hear all the stories about what my mentor was like as a newbie.
Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you.
Repeat after me: Dr Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
Dr Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
Yes.
That oughta keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.
I doubt they'll be back, sir.
Unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage to jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.
Stop babbling, Ted.
No one's ever listening.
The Italian gentlemen that haul our medical waste away said if we don't stop putting our regular trash in with the medical loads they're gonna charge us double.
Randall and I can get rid of that garbage for you.
What the hell are you two doing here? - We come up here to wrestle.
- And drink beer.
Only the winner drinks beer.
How much to make the garbage go away? Say, twenty bucks a month? - Twenty-three bucks a month.
- Deal.
Sir, those darn birds are back.
Dr Kevin Casey.
I have to say, it was amazing watching Dr Casey work.
Carol, let's just put it out there.
You've got lupus.
Instead of dwelling on the negative, let's look at the positive.
Your pericarditis is resolving.
Your renal function is good.
Suicidal scavenger birds, an excellent sign.
Right? - That's a great sign.
- Okey-dokey, artichokey.
- You are unflappable.
- It's true.
I can't be flapped.
- I'm more skittish.
- Yeah, you're like a big squirrel.
I wish I was a swashbuckling doctor.
You know, like a pirate.
Enough about pirates till you know him better.
Ahoy, there.
You going to the Oh-Arr? I said enough.
You know, I couldn't have survived in medicine if I didn't embrace my OCD.
And, since I was compulsive, I read the same textbooks over and over.
I went through the procedures over and over.
I imagined every worst-case scenario over and over and over - Dr Casey? Dr Casey? - Dr Kevin Casey.
Even though I did those things, it's the best advice I could give any doctor.
Expect the unexpected and you will never be surprised.
After one day it felt like he was the mentor I wished Dr Cox would be.
Still, I've got to stay cool.
I know I'm prone to hero worship.
Man, the surgeon in me is antsy.
I need to cut somebody up.
Thanks for volunteering.
I'm not that strong on the brain.
- I think this is the language centre.
- Really? Cos I don't feel a - How cool is that? - This is the foreign language centre.
The cow says The sheep says Ladies and gentlemen, Macaulay Culkin.
The French would help with the ladies.
Dr Wen? Can I ask you a question? Was my time on the lap-coli even faster than yours? Yes, it was.
Some of the guys were saying I kicked your ass, and I wanted them to shut up if it wasn't true.
But since it is, I'll just let it go.
What? One thing I've learned is that you never antagonise your boss, or the people that make the food, cos either way you end up eating poo.
Elliot, I can do whatever I want, because these are magic.
These are gonna take me wherever I wanna go in life.
Thanks to these, I'm king of the world, baby.
Can you feel it? Give me your pudding.
- Pay up.
- Already? Look around.
You won't find any garbage.
Let's see them twenty-three squids.
It's all here.
Come on.
What'd you do with all the garbage? That's not part of the deal.
Randall, you, me, on the roof, winner takes all.
- You never learn, do you? - Jammo.
You know, Carla, your make-up today does not in any way make you look like a desperate bowling alley prostitute.
- What's with the sweet talk? - Maybe Kevin is making me regress.
You realise that back when I was a resident, I was a kind lad.
You get out.
But I established myself as the best damn doctor that ever roamed these filthy halls, which is a curse actually because now I'm expected to make eye contact with every insult to medicine that comes into this dump.
- Here's that CT scan you ordered.
- Thank you.
Eye contact.
He respects me.
He's anaemic, and he has bone fractures, yet there's no sign of leukaemia.
Don't tell me the great one is stumped.
This is not the kind of thing that you stick your head in on and figure out.
- He's got Gaucher's disease.
- I beg your pardon? I tested his blood for deficiency of beta-glycosidase activity.
- I just sent out for one of those.
- No, you didn't.
I wouldn't have figured it out if you hadn't done the grunt work.
It's like a jar of pickles, you loosened the lid and pop! I took it off.
Dr Kevin Casey.
See you.
Kevin was getting the chance to meet everyone around here.
See, the reason the Xbox joke should work is that "Xbox" is like the perfect word for a girl's party zone.
- The Todd, is it? - Oh, yeah.
Can you make a phone call for me? - To who? - To anyone.
Making a phone call.
Dr Casey, do you mind if I scrub in on the lap-coli you're doing later? OK, I'll see you at four.
- Cool trick.
- You should try it.
It's good for dexterity and convincing single women you're a power dork.
You know, I'm really looking forward to seeing you in action, sir.
Takes a lot to make the big dog sit up and take notice.
I believe the word you're looking for is "holy crap".
Holy crap.
I'm sorry, JD, I just don't think pirates are cool.
- Well, then you're not cool, Doug.
- JD, want to get a beer tonight? - Do chickens wish they could fly? - I have no idea.
- I like to think they do.
- So do I.
OK, class, we have a guest with us at rounds today.
He's an old friend of yours truly, so let's all go out of our way to treat him with the respect he deserves.
- Hey, gang, my name is - I thought we'd change things up today.
Instead of me questioning you, I'd like to see you all go get your textbooks.
And when you get back you actually get to quiz us.
A little harmless competition, if my colleague here will consent to it.
Sorry, are you done with the speechifying? I'm kidding, you frightening bastard.
OK, buddy, buddy.
Fuddy-buddy, fuddy-buddy.
Go get your books! - Try not to touch me as much.
- Fair enough.
Your van hasn't left the premises, so where is all the trash is going? Away.
I'll say the same thing I told the grocer when I bought the spread to Hank Weinberg's poker night: "This better be kosher.
" Otherwise it's not just Ted who's gonna pay for it.
If people keep pushing me for no reason, I swear I will hurl myself off this building.
- I'm not cleaning you up.
- Arm.
Mark my words.
If one more person is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it.
Shut up, bozo.
One more person.
She didn't know the rules.
One of you minions spit out another question, will you? Nervous Guy! I don't care how many times your pre-pubescent voice cracks.
Hit me.
OK.
What is the demyelinating CNS disorder associated with the JC virus? Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy.
Snore.
Back to you there, half-pint.
- Short jokes are a sign of desperation.
- Amen, brother.
Yes, blonde girl.
You have yet another question? What is the pathologic abnormality causing Bernard-Soulier disease? Absence of von Willebrand receptors.
I hate to be childish about this, but I have to "make".
That means driving home and scrubbing the toilet seat with industrial strength cleanser, so can we call it a tie? No, ties are for sissies.
Speaking of which, Newbie, you've been uncharacteristically quiet.
I don't know why it popped into my head.
You had trouble with metabolic diseases? No.
I'm a good doctor.
But I knew I had him.
My question is concerning metabolic diseases.
Oh, yes.
What is the inborn error of metabolism characterised by angiokeratomas? Please.
OK, first I think that we should go over the rules.
Because if by some freak of nature I'm not able to answer a question, then old Kev-Kev cannot be declared the winner unless he can provide the answer.
Otherwise, we'll be going back and Fabry's disease.
Page 2,098 of Harrison's Guide to Internal Medicine.
Fun game, but I'll be back in 48 minutes.
It's funny how one person can shake another's foundation to the core.
Half the time the guy doesn't know he did it.
Watching Dr Casey's procedure again? - He's so fast.
- Yep, he's out of our league.
Funnier still how the same guy could be the mentor I've always been looking for.
Nice place.
It's got that great vomit and peanuts smell.
Yeah.
Reminds me of my first girlfriend.
She was a carny.
I'm always trying to get Cox to get a beer with me.
He never does.
You don't carry around pictures of him and his attending, do you? Perfect.
Well, I don't carry anything around.
Cos those losers who've been practicing medicine for three years, but still look for a mentor to pat them on the back, they're pathetic.
You know what I mean? Totally.
Yep.
It's funny what one person can do.
OK, I'm gonna need another beer.
None of us slept last night.
How I know that is irrelevant.
What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it.
Stop looking at me, or die.
And the guy who caused it thinks we're his best friends.
- Morning, fellows.
- What do you say there, Kevin? All right, all six of your butt cheeks just tightened up.
Someone here pissing you guys off? Cos I will give 'em some attitude.
- That guy.
- Hey, Hair Club.
That suit, did that come with the flop-sweat? You can do this, Theodore.
Take as much time as you need.
OK.
Here we go, baby.
I don't understand why this guy bothers him so much.
Perry is a dysfunctional, unsuccessful, emotionally damaged old man.
- No offence.
- None taken.
Being the best doctor here is the only thing he had.
Just because we have a child together doesn't mean you know me.
Mmm-kay, princess? Watch and learn.
Say, Kev-Kev? Would you love to come and join us? Oh, thanks.
What's up with the oatmeal today? - Too much milk.
- No.
Not enough butter.
- That's it.
- Did you just diagnose the oatmeal? You can't just go and diagnose the oatmeal.
He just did.
Kevin, are you single? - Yeah.
Why, are you? - I'm thinking about it.
Yeah, me too.
What in the hell just happened? What just happened? OK, I've removed the gallbladder, sealed the vessels, and time.
Oh, my God! You can't even beat Dr Kevin Casey's lap-coli time when you're imagining it.
I could be just as fast if I was like him and practised over and over.
Yeah, but you don't.
I could spend my spare time doing stupid hand exercises.
I know, but you don't.
- Well, I could.
- You don't.
- But - Don't.
Could you enjoy this any less? Because of these.
I don't think I can.
In, gallbladder, out, done.
Four seconds.
A new record.
World record! Look, I did my psych rotation.
OK? I know my father abandoning us and only showing up in my life when he needs a place to sleep or a free prostate exam is probably gonna be an issue.
I get it.
But it's not like I'm looking for a mentor.
I just want a little validation.
It's like when Kelso gave you a cupcake cos you went four days - without killing a patient.
- That was awesome.
I've always felt Doug understood me.
After knowing him for three years, I suddenly realised he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr Cox would be.
Wait! - Doug, get the hell out of here.
- OK.
When rational men are forced to face their shortcomings, they all do the same thing.
Blame Kevin Casey.
Who gave him the right to judge me? I sure didn't.
I'll give him a piece of my mind, see how he likes it.
Unfortunately, no one knew where the son of a bitch was.
I'm far too irritable to pretend I don't hate you so let's cut to the chase.
If you know where all the garbage in this hospital is going, I'll give you eight dollars.
- Sorry, sir.
- Thanks.
Dr Kelso? The crows are making your pimp mobile look like Spin Art.
Dammit! It's just one step.
Come on, already.
Who am I kidding? You did it, Teddy.
It's over.
Here comes sweet relief.
- Is this heaven? - It's garbage.
Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.
What? I want my money back.
And, Ted, shower and get back to work.
If you try that around the corner, you can land right in the street.
Found him.
Brace yourself, mister.
You're about to get an earful, JD style.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Give me a minute, will you? No, Kevin, I have to talk to you right now.
Dammit! Later's cool, too.
I'm sorry, I just spent the last few days meeting new people, trying to get used to this place, and I'm stressed and I'm fried and I just wanna go home.
But even though my last surgery was two hours ago I can't stop washing my hands.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Look This is a weak moment.
Nobody's supposed to see this.
And, mark my words, I'll clean up the soap probably several thousand times.
Everyone's got their own burdens, JD, And I'm not gonna be one of those people that dumps mine on somebody else.
Now, what do you need? Nothing.
None of us needed anything.
I think owning your burdens is half the battle.
Turk knows that he'll eventually have to decide what his priorities really are.
Baby, come to bed.
And Dr Cox knows he has to find something else to hang his hat on.
You, my friend, are going to be the best baseball player in the world, which will make me the best baseball player in the world's father.
Can't you hear it, Jack? Can't you hear it? Still, it's not that daunting if you look around and see what other people have to deal with.
- Good night, Dr Casey.
- Good night, JD.