Shameless US s03e12 Episode Script
Survival of the Fittest
This is what you missed last week on shameless.
- Is your mom not pregnant again? - Every time she pees on a stick, it's bad news.
And then I get depressed thinking about my husband Banging my mom 'cause we selfishly want to have a baby With some of our dna.
Attention, people! Kevin is gonna be a daddy! - Why, is mandy going a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs? - Yeah, she ran over karen with her car.
- I can't feel.
- Mandy did this? Because of me, you ruined karen's life! - When I was your age, my pop took me on my first heist.
- My foster gays have a lot of nice stuff.
Whoa, can I help you? - We have reason to believe this child may have robbed His former foster parents.
- He didn't do the heist.
I did.
Cuff me.
- That whore that mickey is marrying Is an actual whore that works at garden springs spa.
- You're not seriously going through with this, are you? - Just 'cause I'm getting hitched Doesn't mean we can't still bang.
I need a change.
- I hear reports of, um, medical school.
- Yeah, I may have to spend some more time in michigan.
What? Have you signed up for classes already? Technically I'm enrolled.
- And when was the last time you saw my daughter? - Uh, two days ago.
- I saw her three hours ago.
In I.
N.
S.
Holding.
It will be dealt with.
- You have known from day one What you were getting into with me.
- Right, I got sucked into your world.
I bent to your rules.
- You made me feel like I could depend on you.
- Be a man.
Get onto the boat.
- Hey, it's me.
I love you.
- think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? Turn around.
- Oh, jesus.
You hitting the crapper again? Sorry, frank.
Tuna casserole does it to me every time.
- The bowels want what the bowels want.
- I got a meeting with my free lawyer.
What you told me to tell him again? Frank.
- What? - Public defender.
Need a defense.
- God gave you the race card for a reason, julius.
Play it.
- You okay? 'cause you didn't eat your breakfast.
- Not hungry.
Thirsty.
You don't look good.
- I haven't had a drop of booze since I got to this place.
I can't even put my hands on a goddamn oxy.
Place used to be better stocked than the walgreen's.
What the hell happened? - Guards cracked down.
Well, it's inhumane, Like keeping insulin from a diabetic.
And for what? A petty robbery.
And you-- what did they get you for again? - Beat my ex-wife to death with a telephone.
- Cordless or landline? - Sidekick.
Look, it looks like you need to see a doctor, man.
- I'll be good as new if these storm troopers Would slip me a malt beverage! This is how riots start.
Frank! Hey! Carl, stop it! - What the hell are you doing? - Trying to push my teeth together.
It's not fair that you have braces and I don't.
I'm older than you.
Ew, there's food in your braces.
You're supposed to floss.
- Flossing's for fags.
quit it out! - Jackass, what are you doing with a water gun in the house? - 'cause I don't have a paintball gun.
- Actually, that kind of makes sense.
- Gonna need a paintball gun when we move to michigan.
Uh, no.
- Hell survivors paintball field is only 5 miles Outside ann arbor.
- We're not going to michigan.
- We're not? - Fiona said we were.
- Yup.
That's when jimmy was here.
You seen him around lately? Exactly.
- Did fiona and jimmy break up? - I don't know.
Fiona barks at me every time I bring it up.
- But I picked a fight with becky alexander Because I thought I was never gonna have to see her again.
- See who again? - That a new look for work? - Maybe if I was working the street corner, yeah.
But since I'm doing data entry, I better put this on.
big day today, lip.
- Yeah, whatever.
- No, it's not a "whatever.
" First gallagher kid getting his diploma.
It's a big deal.
- Who'd you buy it from? - He's getting it fair and square and setting A good example for both of you, so pay attention.
- We have to go to some stupid ceremony? - Nope, I'm picking up my diploma At the guidance office and getting the hell out of there.
- There's no ceremony in the fall.
He'll walk with everyone in the spring.
- No, he won't.
- Yes, he will.
And we'll all be there to yell, "lip!" and embarrass him.
- Morning.
- Wow, ian, looking sharp.
- Thanks.
- What, you got rotc On the last day before christmas break? - Yeah, they're having some sort of winter ceremony.
Later.
- Finish your breakfast, you guys.
No more talk of michigan.
- G.
I.
Jane, slow down.
- I don't want to be late.
- Hey.
Glad to see you out of bed.
Thought we were gonna have to put you on a suicide watch, Take away your shoelaces and bed sheets.
No need.
Moved on.
How many times you gotta hear no, right? - Yeah.
Well, uh, I guess the good thing About falling for mickey milkovich Is you know you can always find someone better.
- Aw.
Catch up with you after school.
Right.
Hey, fiona.
- Why aren't you getting ready for school? I am ready.
We only have a half day anyway.
Gonna stop by sheila's after.
Karen and jody are moving today.
oh.
- So you think jimmy's still gonna buy me braces When he's done with med school? Jimmy can't always be The answer to our problems, debbie.
- Everything okay with you guys? - What? - Lip said we're not moving to michigan.
- Lip should mind his own business.
- It is his business.
- What? - If we move to michigan or not.
It is his business.
It's all of our business.
- School.
Now.
- But you didn't answer me.
Are we or are we not moving to michigan? - I don't know! Okay? I don't know! And I promise that you're gonna be the first person That I tell when I do know, okay? Leave the adult problems to the adults.
- Oh, so it's fine for me to be an adult When it comes to saving this family from losing this house By falsely accusing a relative of molesting me.
But when I want to know Where we're gonna be living for the next year, Then I'm just supposed to be a kid And keep my mouth shut, right? - Yeah.
- Okay, great.
Thanks.
- It's steve.
Leave some words.
seriously? I leave you a message saying that I want to work it out, And you don't even call me back? Okay, fine.
I get it.
You obviously don't feel the same way.
Fine.
But at least have the decency to tell me.
Okay? Two years? I think I deserve that.
Have a good life.
Fucking asshole! - You're not morgan fairchild.
- Excuse me? Heaven.
I always imagined absinthe and morgan fairchild.
- I'm dr.
Markman, and you're not dead.
But you will be soon if you don't stop drinking.
- You got anything for the pain? Vicodin, percocet, whatever's handy.
- You have liver damage, esophageal varices, Immune system dysfunction, likely renal failure.
Frankly, it would be faster to tell you what you don't have.
- Maybe the online medical school You graduated from didn't cover this Before they emailed you your diploma.
I'm going to try to make this simple.
The technical term is "withdrawal.
" I like the word "parched.
" So if there's not a keg handy, A bottle of your finest pharmaceuticals Should have me ship-shape in no time.
- You need to stop drinking.
- Spare me the sermon.
- Juan will take you to processing.
- Processing? - You're being released.
What? - If we keep you here, we'd have to treat you.
Stop drinking before it kills you.
Aah! Fuck.
Hit me, kate.
- Thought I was the only one here into that.
- No time for flirting, got some catching up to do.
Line 'em up.
- Morning.
- I want to enlist.
Glad to hear it.
Are you interested in active duty or army reserve? - Active duty.
Full-time.
- All right.
I'd be happy to help you find a specialty, Let you know when they're classing up.
- I don't want to wait for a specialty.
I'm ready to leave now.
- Any reason why you're seeking out the army? Trouble at home? Running away from jail or a pregnant girlfriend? Here's my transcript.
I already passed the vocational aptitude battery And physical exams.
When's the next bus to basic combat training? Tomorrow morning.
- What else do I need? - Photo I.
D.
I'll be here.
- Hey, take some time to think on it.
I'm ready now.
- So does he know we're having a party for him? - Nope.
It's a surprise.
- Men don't give a shit about this stuff.
Well, it's a big deal.
First gallagher kid getting a diploma.
Hey, what about you? - G.
E.
D.
Doesn't really count.
- Diplomas are overrated.
I didn't get a diploma, and look at me.
hey, don't give me no shit, kev! I do not sound like that.
- Oh! Give me those! You better watch yourself.
ow! - How would you like it if I did that to you? don't bite! No! So still haven't heard from what's his name? - Do you want to give me a hand with the banner? - Oh, I guess that's my cue to get more coffee.
- He didn't even have the balls to dump me in person.
- He told you who he was from the beginning.
Car thief.
Lied about his name for months.
- Your point? - Sorry.
- No.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be a bitch about it.
- He's a wuss, forget about him.
He's forgotten.
Just pissed I wasted two years of my life.
- You guys aren't being fair.
- What? - Did you or did you not tell jimmy the last time you saw him Not to come home? - So? - Well, now you're mad at him for doing exactly what you said? She didn't mean it.
- Yeah, I did.
- Aah! - Yeah, but just for that night, not forever.
I didn't think he'd take it for real.
Why not? - Because that's what women do in the heat of the moment.
We say shit we don't mean.
- I got it.
But how the fuck is he supposed to know that? Just go get the car, kev.
We're gonna be late for the baby doctor.
- Okay, fine, but how do I know you really mean go get the car? You could be saying, "go get the car," In the heat of the moment.
- Crazy time of year, end of semester.
I have to let a litany of underachievers know They'd best be advised to cut their losses And learn a trade, something that utilizes their backs Instead of their brains.
It's moments like this that make the job worth it.
Crap pay, miserable working conditions, But the chance to change one special kid's life.
Congratulations.
Wow.
Guess this is where I'm supposed to, uh, thank you For never giving up on me.
well.
I'll see ya, dick.
Teachers are taking bets what's next for you, gallagher.
College, ten to one.
Prison, four to one.
- Hey, kate, can I get a shot? - And enable your truancy? This place is pathetic enough already.
I'm not skipping school.
Surprisingly, they let me graduate.
- Good for you.
This one's on the house.
Thanks.
- I know what you're thinking.
You can tap that.
And you'd be right.
But chew on this.
Sure, she's got some frisky tricks up her sleeve, But there's more tread on those tires than it's worth.
Trust me, been there.
Planted my flag and I got the piss pins and needles To prove it.
- I thought you were in jail, frank.
- Got out on a technicality.
- Why did you take the rap for carl? - Because that's what family does.
Have I taught you nothing? - Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Congra-- what for? Your kid got his diploma.
My boy! Why didn't you say something? We need to celebrate.
Attention! Denizens of this dump! - Frank, you okay? - Better than ever! Because my progeny has joined the ranks of the graduated! - Which makes official something we've long known, Which is that the gallaghers are head and shoulders above All of you shitbirds! - Seriously, frank, you look like crap.
Even for you.
- You're one to talk, tommy.
You're one bucket of kfc extra crispy away From giving precious a run for her money.
oh! - You know I got a fucking thyroid condition oh.
- And I could still kick your ass.
- Well, why don't you put your money Where your halitosis-ridden mouth is.
- Hey, I'm not mopping up the blood and the teeth again.
Figure out another way to settle your pissing contest.
- Fine, pissing contest! - Fine! Let's go! - Hey, I didn't mean it literally! Push-ups! you won't make double digits.
What does it matter? You can't count that high anyway.
- Oh, I want in on this! - Me too! - Let's do it! Push these tables aside.
- Hold on.
- Make a hole.
- No girlie, on-your-knees push-ups.
- Only one of us spends time on their knees, frank, And it ain't me.
okay, 10 bucks in.
My kid will hold.
- 20! Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
All right, no food stamps.
But lottery scratchers are accepted.
Okay.
All right, we're ready.
Get set! And go! One, two, Three, four Five, six, seven eight, nine! Tommy! - Know what kind of upper body strength It takes to handle a rig, gallagher? I can do this all day.
- Not just a test of strength but stamina.
The kind one gets from years of running from people, Not sitting on your ass in a truck for 18 hours a day.
- Uh-oh.
- Um, there you go, man.
Drink responsibly.
- Hey, kate, can I get another shot? Hey, wanna go celebrate? - Uh - A steak.
- No.
- Aw, come on! You got something better to do? - Make it a scotch and a lobster, You got yourself a deal.
All right! - It's steve.
Leave some words.
So you just never pick up anymore, huh? Hi.
It's fiona.
Fiona gallagher.
Remember me? We used to date.
Maybe we still do.
I left you a message this morning.
You should probably just delete that.
You know that thing I said about not coming home? I didn't mean it.
I mean, I did mean it.
Just for that night though.
Not forever, silly.
Sorry if I wasn't clear about that.
Give me a call.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
- Okay, so I've got little baggies Of dried nuts and blueberries, which are good brain food.
- Great, mom, but I'm pretty sure They have all that stuff in sedona.
- Yes, but it's 1,642 miles if you take scenic I-40.
- Bye, hymie.
It's been nice knowing you.
- and you have to look up shiva ray.
Remember I told you about him? He's the medicine man that lives in sedona.
I read about him online.
He cured this woman's ovarian cancer By giving her wheatgrass douches.
- Great, I'll look her up.
- Him.
He's a him.
Shiva ray.
Him.
- I'll look him up.
Okay.
- all right.
This is it.
Oh, my goodness.
I know I agreed to this, but it doesn't mean It's not hard to say good-bye To my baby.
Both my babies.
All three of my babies! Bye, baby.
Shh.
Okay.
it's okay, it's okay.
My sweet karen.
I knew this day would come, When I'd be saying a proper good-bye to you.
It didn't really look like this though.
You didn't-- You didn't have a wheelchair and-- and A bigScar on your head.
I know I have to let you go.
Good-bye.
- Just stop it.
No more good-byes.
Just see you soon.
- See you soon.
- See you soon! - See you soon.
- See you soon! Baby.
- We'll call you when we get settled in.
- Okay.
Go heal my baby.
I will.
bye, baby.
bye, baby.
Bye, honey! Bye! Bye! Love you! Want me to make you some macaroni and cheese? - Uh, I have to finish getting the house ready For lip's party.
- Let me grab my coat.
I can come help.
Sure.
- So don't worry, I'll make sure That you have everything you need.
Dr.
Lishman? Fiona.
Hi.
Uh, I'll catch up with you guys later.
I'm surprised to see you.
Are you feeling okay? - Yeah, I wanted to talk to you.
Oh.
How's ian? Fine.
I was wondering if you'd seen jimmy lately? How long? Almost a week.
- You two are having problems? - Things have been a little rough lately, yeah.
- Any sign of conflict or things not going his way, And he just Disappears.
Gone.
Chipotle? - What? - I always have my hot dog with a little chipotle sauce.
You want some? - Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
- Rosa, two specials.
Chipotle.
It's what he does.
I've gotten used to it.
At least as used to it as a father can when his son Doesn't call or email for months at a time.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Maybe this time's different? Absolutely.
Yeah, you never know, right? - I should get back to work.
You'll be fine.
Thanks for the hot dog.
- All right, there we go.
There's the little peach pit.
- Holy crap, there he is! - He looks just like you, baby.
- He kind of does, doesn't he? - Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl, doc? - 12 weeks is too early to tell.
Give it another month.
- 12 weeks? That's impossible.
But we only started trying - Then it must have happened on the first go-around.
Let me print this up, and I'll let you get dressed.
Ooh, yeah, that's weird.
my body usually tells me when I'm pregnant.
You know, it's never been wrong before.
Wonder what happened this time.
- What are you doing? - Rotc retreat.
- Since when? - Last minute.
Hey, where's my knife? - I don't know.
- Carl, my s.
O.
G.
Seal team.
It's the best fixed blade I got.
My samurai sword broke.
Need a backup till it's fixed.
Yeah.
- What if the zombie apocalypse goes down while you're gone? Who's gonna protect debbie and liam? - Fine, keep it.
- Really? - Yeah, just promise you're not gonna use it on anything human.
- Cats aren't human.
- Anything living.
Promise.
- Promise.
Can you teach me the different hand grips? - Sure.
- Thanks.
- Hold on, now.
- 12 weeks pregnant! - Veronica, I promise.
I swear I had no idea.
Ladies, please.
Hey, v, come on, that's not right.
Although, hey, I should probably record this In case we want to upload it to our site, Make some money, just watch her belly if you're gonna hit her.
- Just trying to keep the peace, baby.
- Honey, I promise, I didn't know! Please, you always know.
You're like a walking pee stick! - Yeah, in the past, but this time-- There is no "this time.
" You kept quiet 'cause you wanted to keep fucking my husband! What the fuck are you looking at, huh? My husband fucked my mother to get pregnant.
Sorry we can't all have our baby the normal way! Hey, what can I say? Once you go white, you always stay tight.
Hey, I think I just insulted myself.
- Mom, admit it.
- Okay.
Okay, I thought I might be pregnant! - Oh, my god.
- No, but, honey.
Look, I didn't know.
I didn't take a test or anything.
I didn't want to know.
- What? Why? - Because I liked what we had.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me? - No, not what we, me and kev had, what we all had.
- What are you talking about? - Been feeling so lonely lately.
And when you called me to help out, It made me feel wanted-- Wanted in a loving way, in a family way, Needed, important.
hey, I'm your baby fetus.
Please don't fight anymore.
I know kev is a big, hot stud, And you couldn't resist his giant cock penis.
But I'm all that matters now, right? - what does it take to get a refill around here? - Jacket and tie would probably help.
- This is nice.
We don't spend enough time together.
- No, we don't spend any time together.
Exactly my point.
You know, son, you can always come to me.
Thanks, dad.
- I worry about you.
- Is that right? - A parent's plight never goes away, No matter how old your kid gets.
Look at you, A high school graduate.
Where the fuck is that waiter? - Don't go getting misty-eyed on me now.
Need any words of fatherly advice? - No, I think I got it covered.
- Oh, come on, come on! What's on your mind? - Okay, why not? Day couldn't get any weirder.
Um, I'm done with school.
I have no idea what I'm gonna do Today or tomorrow Or for the rest of my life.
So no plans? No.
- Good for you.
You're just like me.
We March to the beat of a different drummer.
Everyone will try to cage you in, Tell you you have to worry about your future.
You know what your future should be? This-- living life to the fullest, Every day like it's your last.
This place is single-handedly lowering my tolerance.
Let's hit the liquor store.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, um, you really think They deserve your hard-earned money for that service? - Dine and dash? - Bite and bolt.
- Eat it and beat it? - I'll take the front door.
- Excuse me, amigo, uh, bano? Gracias.
- Excuse me, I gotta take this call.
Can we see a dessert menu? - Of course.
- Hey, fiona, missed you at lunch.
- What are all these people doing outside mike's office? - Job applicants.
- Thanks so much, man, okay? We'll talk to you later this week.
You bet.
- Hi.
Uh, sorry.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, uh, sure.
- There's a job opening up? - Yeah.
Rick from sales is moving to our columbus office.
Well, I want it.
- No, I need somebody with experience.
This is about our night in the tent.
- I can assure you it is not.
- But I've been here for months.
My temp position's ending, and I'm ready.
- I would love to keep you around, But uncle matt's not gonna let me hire someone Who doesn't have a proven track record, Which all those people out there do, okay? Listen, if you had one sale on the books, This would be a different conversation.
- I've pushed cocktails, that's sales.
- Wait, weren't you moving to michigan? I mean, you wanted to work in our ann arbor office.
- And I convinced all those customers You thought you lost to re-up.
- You got them on the hook, but it was the sales department That closed the deals.
Hey.
You've been a great asset to this company.
I'm really sorry.
- I remember the first time I brought you here.
- Fuck you! You never took me skating.
- Always took you skating, to the park, to the zoo.
You tried to make off with a tortoise.
That was you.
- Huh.
Good market in endangered species.
- That's 'cause it's illegal, frank.
Bleeding heart eco-fascist.
- It's called survival of the fittest for a reason.
You don't want to be endangered, speed the fuck up! grow some opposable thumbs! Otherwise you end up on ebay for 10 grand, As darwin intended.
Uh-oh! all right.
- More for a rhino.
- What? - Horn.
Pay a king's ransom in asia.
Grind it into powder.
Morons say it cures cancer.
Also tiger dick.
They take a couple of bites, and they think it turns them Into fuck machines.
I'm not making this shit up! Oh, shit! This is slippery.
- Whoo! - I'm gonna-- shit! - All right.
- Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
We should do this more often.
- Afternoon drinking buddies? - We could hit the zoo tomorrow.
Steal it.
- What? - The rhino horn.
Do it together.
- You're fucking wasted.
- Alcohol provides clarity.
We hide in the bird sanctuary until closing.
We drug the rhino.
Once it's down, a quick back and forth with the saw.
And we're a few clicks away from a bidding war.
What do you say? no, no, no, no, no, no, no! You're not some co-ed on spring break.
Gallaghers do not puke! Oh, stop! oh! oh, god.
Domino effect! whoa! Hey! You two are out of here right now! He okay? - Frank? Frank! - Barry, I need an ambulance.
Can I help you? Dude, don't you know it's not cool To rush a woman alone on the street? - He wanted you to have this.
- Who? What the hell is that? - The man who lived here with you.
Jimmy? Wait! Hey, wait! Was he here? Where is he? Hey, did he say anything else? - Yes, he said you were too good for him.
He has moved on.
Now so must you.
Hey! Come on! Hey! Lip, what's going on? Hi, I'm fiona gallagher.
My father frank gallagher was just admitted.
- Let me check.
- What's wrong with him? - you mean this time? I wouldn't worry, it's frank.
- I bet he has cancer.
- Only if there's money in it.
- First left, fourth door on the right.
Thanks.
Stay here, okay? - What? - No.
- Yes, I'll tell you as soon as I know anything.
- No, I'm sick of you treating me like a little baby.
- Me too.
- Okay.
Go wait in the lobby.
Now! Hey, uh, were you just in there with my father? Francis gallagher? - I was.
- Well, can you tell me what's going on? - Just broke the news to him.
Took it in stride.
Although I don't think he's truly accepting it yet.
What-- what news? Took what in stride? Under $100.
- Hi, there.
- Hey! I'm glad you're here.
Try to get me some more of these pudding cups, would you? - No! Don't mention food! - Oh, jesus, lip! Really? It smells like a distillery in there.
- Celebrating my graduation.
- Getting drunk in the middle of the day with him? Are you an idiot? - Please save the mommy lecture for tomorrow, please, When my head isn't pounding so much.
- Get up, get home.
Get sober.
We're planning a surprise party for you.
- It's not a surprise, I already knew.
- Well, debbie and carl are waiting in the lobby.
So take them with you.
This isn't gonna be fun.
- Yeah, and grab your surprise ice cream cake Out of the freezer and start defrosting it.
Okay.
Three raw eggs, worcestershire, and a sliver of ginger.
Works every time.
- Jesus.
No hbo, no showtime.
Just basic cable.
And what the hell is a tosh 2.
0? - The doctor talk to you, frank? - Yeah.
"blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, stop drinking.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
" - He told me you were really sick.
- Do I look really sick to you? - Said you were throwing up blood.
- That's 'cause I've got too much of it in me.
It's a filtration process.
My body knows how to flush itself out.
- Stop joking.
This is serious.
- It's just doctor mumbo jumbo To scare you into taking more tests.
Fucking parasites.
- What are you doing? - I gotta use the can.
- Well, let's get the nurse.
- Don't like the one that's on duty.
She's fat.
Roll that thing behind me, will you? He said if you don't stop drinking, you're gonna die.
As in dead, you know, Like, no longer living? And soon.
when did you start to care? Not sure that I do.
I've dreamt about your death.
Put money in a collection box and prayed for it.
Blew out my birthday candles, wished for it.
If it actually ever happened, I don't know if I'd feel relief or guilt.
your birthday candles? - I wrote a letter to santa once.
So I'm supposed to stop drinking So that you don't feel guilty? No.
You're supposed to stop drinking because you have Children at home who love you.
And I don't know why.
Who would be destroyed if anything happened to you.
- Tragedy makes kids tough, fiona.
- Then be the fabulous narcissist that you are, And do it for yourself.
- What if I don't want to change? - Then I would know what I've always feared is true.
What is that? - That you don't give a shit about any of us.
So do it for you.
Do it for your kids.
It doesn't matter.
Do it.
- yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - Hey, where were you today? I didn't see you at school.
Something came up.
- They gave us homework over the christmas break.
I told mrs.
Stoltz that jesus didn't want us celebrating His birthday by fucking reading.
You want the assignments? - Just came by to see you.
- Who's at the goddamn door? It's for me, shithead! Got some nitrous.
I'll go get it.
Hey.
Up to four sets of 20.
Get in here.
I want to show you something.
Come on.
Come check it out.
Wife made me take all my nazi shit down.
She hates nazis.
Apparently the russians kicked some serious kraut ass In world war ii, so She can drink me under the fucking table, man.
It's weird.
Anyways She's working tomorrow night.
Why don't we pick up where we left off? Figure she's gonna be out fucking dudes.
Why can't I? No, thanks.
- Mm.
Hard to get's getting me hard, gallagher.
I'm, uh, leaving town.
- There a queer rights rally somewhere? Army.
- Ah! Right.
You gotta be 18.
- Yeah, I figured a way around that.
- You serious? You're signing up? Tomorrow morning.
- That's a dumb-ass fucking move.
How long? - Four years.
Minimum.
- What are you hoping, I tell you not to go? I'm gonna chase after you like some bitch? - Didn't come here for you.
Don't.
- Don't what? - Just - I got the nitrous.
Meet you outside.
Yeah.
- What the fuck do you want? - Really? That's all you're gonna say to him? You're a fucking pussy.
- What's going on? - Oh, hey, I fed liam.
And put him down a half an hour ago.
- Thanks.
- How's daddy? - Is he okay? - that's up to him.
What does that mean? - We should be at the hospital helping him out.
- He needs to help himself.
- What? - What's up with taking down the decorations? Lip told us to.
- No one feels much like a party.
- Hey, sometimes life throws a couple swings at you.
But we're gallaghers, okay? And there's two things that we're really good at-- Knowing how to get back up and knowing how to party.
So you get the tape, start hanging up that banner.
And you go get kev and v.
Sheila, start taking the food back out.
I'll get lip.
- Whoo! Hungry? - Don't.
- Chicken pot pie.
- God, seriously.
- Sloppy joes.
- Stop, fiona.
- Serves you right.
Hell of a way to start life after graduation.
Where is it? - What? The piece of paper.
Mm.
- I wasn't actually sure you'd ever get this.
That makes two of us.
I'm proud of you.
I came into some money.
- Bury the lead, why don't you? - I put a bunch away for rent and gas, But there's something I want to do with the rest.
Please don't tell me you're gonna promote Another club night, okay? I'm nauseous enough.
Mm, something else.
Could get a full-time job out of it.
- If I say okay, will you close the fucking door? - You're wanted downstairs.
- I got the spins, fi.
- Get it together and put a smile on your face.
Debbie and carl need motivation.
Come on, everyone's waiting.
okay.
- Walk forward.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And All: Surprise! What's sheila doing here? - Yeah! It's crab cakes.
You can educate our baby! Eh, well, um I'm going to go with ambrosia.
- The shrimp crab cakes are delicious, sheila.
Oh.
I was thinking about some fun things We could do tomorrow together.
- Oh, um, actually, veronica was gonna take me To the skating rink.
- Oh.
- I really enjoy hanging out with you, sheila, But now that there's an empty nest, Maybe it's a good time for you To start making some new friends Closer to your own age who share your interests.
Maybe.
Whoa! congratulations.
- Debs, play some music.
Get it going! - Hey, fi, good news, v and I came up With a compromise on a name.
Amy if it's a girl, d'shawndre if it's a boy.
what? Please tell me this is an early baby shower gift.
- I need you to order a couple thousand cups For the alibi first thing in the morning.
- Cups? It's a bar, not a frat party.
We drink out of glasses and mugs.
Where did you get this from? - Tell them I convinced you to do it.
Okay.
What's going on? nice.
- Best cure for a hangover.
Sweet.
Thanks.
Where the fuck's he going? Worried? - What's gonna happen to daddy? He always finds a way.
We're not moving to michigan.
I wanted you to be the first to know.
Jimmy's gone for good? Mm-hmm.
But there's a chance I might get a new job.
- At the cup company.
- Maybe.
That's great.
- Don't tell anybody about it unless it happens, okay? Comes with benefits.
Dental? For me too? Well, don't blow it.
Get the job.
I'll try.
- whoo, there's haunted john, haunted john haunted john, haunted john What's going on? Shaving your head.
What? - To let the sunrays in, so they can heal you, Like they did with my cancer.
Sunrays.
Right.
Won't take long.
Carry on.
Hey, little man.
I'll send postcards, all right? Coming.
Hello! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh! Debbie, sonia, terry.
Come in, come in.
- Gallagher? - Yeah, thanks.
- And this little gem-- or should I say, giant gem, Is the black bullet stimulator.
And its cousin, the silver bullet stimulator.
Now I recommend getting several of these For your home, car, and travel needs.
I have one last item to show you.
This is the vanilla-scented snug shrink cream.
Now, who needs help filling out the order forms? Just see oh.
Um, here you go.
Great.
Um, feel free to change the name and-- um, here you go.
And pen.
- This is the one I was telling you about.
This is fiona gallagher, made the alibi room sale.
- Good one.
A sale in the books.
- Yeah.
Overnight, no less.
- Let's give her a two-week trial, mike.
See if it works out.
- thank you, sir.
Okay.
- Aah! - Yay! Here we go.
Pens, paper, and all the office supplies You need are in the top drawer.
Your direct phone number is listed on the call sheet.
You should record an outgoing message.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
phillip? It's lip.
- It's just gallagher now.
Get on.
Next.
- We can order your business cards.
Whoo-hoo! Ah, thank you! - Once you get settled, mike wants to have a meeting With you and all the other sales reps this afternoon.
- Okay, cool.
Thanks, connie.
- Congratulations, fiona.
You remind me of me.
at that very desk.
I come to life when the night is in - Hi, this is fiona with worldwide cup.
How are you today? I'm well, thank you, we've noticed that you Haven't renewed your order in a while.
- going down, going down yeah, I'm going down to the devil's playground hey, hey, hey, hey - Still awaiting final vote.
been pending since last year.
strong bipartisan support From the senate judiciary committee.
These are non-controversial nominees that are due The up or down vote for the United States senate.
And there is no justification for the delay of the senate Carrying out its constitutional responsibility Fuck.
Hey.
Hi, um I got into m.
I.
T.
It's a full ride.
Anyway, it wouldn't have happened without you.
So Thank you.
- oh, there's the river that winds on forever I'm gonna see where it leads Are you gonna go? - oh, there's a mountain that no man has mounted I'm gonna stand on the peak out there's a land that time don't command wanna be the first to arrive - no time for ponderin' why I'm a-wanderin' on while we're both still alive to the ends of the earth, would you follow me? there's a world that was meant for us to see to the ends of the earth, would you follow me? well, if you want, I will say my good-byes to thee - It's steve.
Leave some words.
- Last message, I promise.
Wherever you are Bye.
- to the ends of the earth, would you follow me? there's a world that was meant for us to see to the ends of the earth, would you follow me? well, if you want, I will say my good-byes to thee I was ready to die for you, baby doesn't mean I'm ready to stay
- Is your mom not pregnant again? - Every time she pees on a stick, it's bad news.
And then I get depressed thinking about my husband Banging my mom 'cause we selfishly want to have a baby With some of our dna.
Attention, people! Kevin is gonna be a daddy! - Why, is mandy going a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs? - Yeah, she ran over karen with her car.
- I can't feel.
- Mandy did this? Because of me, you ruined karen's life! - When I was your age, my pop took me on my first heist.
- My foster gays have a lot of nice stuff.
Whoa, can I help you? - We have reason to believe this child may have robbed His former foster parents.
- He didn't do the heist.
I did.
Cuff me.
- That whore that mickey is marrying Is an actual whore that works at garden springs spa.
- You're not seriously going through with this, are you? - Just 'cause I'm getting hitched Doesn't mean we can't still bang.
I need a change.
- I hear reports of, um, medical school.
- Yeah, I may have to spend some more time in michigan.
What? Have you signed up for classes already? Technically I'm enrolled.
- And when was the last time you saw my daughter? - Uh, two days ago.
- I saw her three hours ago.
In I.
N.
S.
Holding.
It will be dealt with.
- You have known from day one What you were getting into with me.
- Right, I got sucked into your world.
I bent to your rules.
- You made me feel like I could depend on you.
- Be a man.
Get onto the boat.
- Hey, it's me.
I love you.
- think of all the luck you got know that it's not for naught you were beaming once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? round up the friends you got know that they're not for naught you were willing once before but it's not like that anymore what is this downside that you speak of? what is this feeling you're so sure of? Turn around.
- Oh, jesus.
You hitting the crapper again? Sorry, frank.
Tuna casserole does it to me every time.
- The bowels want what the bowels want.
- I got a meeting with my free lawyer.
What you told me to tell him again? Frank.
- What? - Public defender.
Need a defense.
- God gave you the race card for a reason, julius.
Play it.
- You okay? 'cause you didn't eat your breakfast.
- Not hungry.
Thirsty.
You don't look good.
- I haven't had a drop of booze since I got to this place.
I can't even put my hands on a goddamn oxy.
Place used to be better stocked than the walgreen's.
What the hell happened? - Guards cracked down.
Well, it's inhumane, Like keeping insulin from a diabetic.
And for what? A petty robbery.
And you-- what did they get you for again? - Beat my ex-wife to death with a telephone.
- Cordless or landline? - Sidekick.
Look, it looks like you need to see a doctor, man.
- I'll be good as new if these storm troopers Would slip me a malt beverage! This is how riots start.
Frank! Hey! Carl, stop it! - What the hell are you doing? - Trying to push my teeth together.
It's not fair that you have braces and I don't.
I'm older than you.
Ew, there's food in your braces.
You're supposed to floss.
- Flossing's for fags.
quit it out! - Jackass, what are you doing with a water gun in the house? - 'cause I don't have a paintball gun.
- Actually, that kind of makes sense.
- Gonna need a paintball gun when we move to michigan.
Uh, no.
- Hell survivors paintball field is only 5 miles Outside ann arbor.
- We're not going to michigan.
- We're not? - Fiona said we were.
- Yup.
That's when jimmy was here.
You seen him around lately? Exactly.
- Did fiona and jimmy break up? - I don't know.
Fiona barks at me every time I bring it up.
- But I picked a fight with becky alexander Because I thought I was never gonna have to see her again.
- See who again? - That a new look for work? - Maybe if I was working the street corner, yeah.
But since I'm doing data entry, I better put this on.
big day today, lip.
- Yeah, whatever.
- No, it's not a "whatever.
" First gallagher kid getting his diploma.
It's a big deal.
- Who'd you buy it from? - He's getting it fair and square and setting A good example for both of you, so pay attention.
- We have to go to some stupid ceremony? - Nope, I'm picking up my diploma At the guidance office and getting the hell out of there.
- There's no ceremony in the fall.
He'll walk with everyone in the spring.
- No, he won't.
- Yes, he will.
And we'll all be there to yell, "lip!" and embarrass him.
- Morning.
- Wow, ian, looking sharp.
- Thanks.
- What, you got rotc On the last day before christmas break? - Yeah, they're having some sort of winter ceremony.
Later.
- Finish your breakfast, you guys.
No more talk of michigan.
- G.
I.
Jane, slow down.
- I don't want to be late.
- Hey.
Glad to see you out of bed.
Thought we were gonna have to put you on a suicide watch, Take away your shoelaces and bed sheets.
No need.
Moved on.
How many times you gotta hear no, right? - Yeah.
Well, uh, I guess the good thing About falling for mickey milkovich Is you know you can always find someone better.
- Aw.
Catch up with you after school.
Right.
Hey, fiona.
- Why aren't you getting ready for school? I am ready.
We only have a half day anyway.
Gonna stop by sheila's after.
Karen and jody are moving today.
oh.
- So you think jimmy's still gonna buy me braces When he's done with med school? Jimmy can't always be The answer to our problems, debbie.
- Everything okay with you guys? - What? - Lip said we're not moving to michigan.
- Lip should mind his own business.
- It is his business.
- What? - If we move to michigan or not.
It is his business.
It's all of our business.
- School.
Now.
- But you didn't answer me.
Are we or are we not moving to michigan? - I don't know! Okay? I don't know! And I promise that you're gonna be the first person That I tell when I do know, okay? Leave the adult problems to the adults.
- Oh, so it's fine for me to be an adult When it comes to saving this family from losing this house By falsely accusing a relative of molesting me.
But when I want to know Where we're gonna be living for the next year, Then I'm just supposed to be a kid And keep my mouth shut, right? - Yeah.
- Okay, great.
Thanks.
- It's steve.
Leave some words.
seriously? I leave you a message saying that I want to work it out, And you don't even call me back? Okay, fine.
I get it.
You obviously don't feel the same way.
Fine.
But at least have the decency to tell me.
Okay? Two years? I think I deserve that.
Have a good life.
Fucking asshole! - You're not morgan fairchild.
- Excuse me? Heaven.
I always imagined absinthe and morgan fairchild.
- I'm dr.
Markman, and you're not dead.
But you will be soon if you don't stop drinking.
- You got anything for the pain? Vicodin, percocet, whatever's handy.
- You have liver damage, esophageal varices, Immune system dysfunction, likely renal failure.
Frankly, it would be faster to tell you what you don't have.
- Maybe the online medical school You graduated from didn't cover this Before they emailed you your diploma.
I'm going to try to make this simple.
The technical term is "withdrawal.
" I like the word "parched.
" So if there's not a keg handy, A bottle of your finest pharmaceuticals Should have me ship-shape in no time.
- You need to stop drinking.
- Spare me the sermon.
- Juan will take you to processing.
- Processing? - You're being released.
What? - If we keep you here, we'd have to treat you.
Stop drinking before it kills you.
Aah! Fuck.
Hit me, kate.
- Thought I was the only one here into that.
- No time for flirting, got some catching up to do.
Line 'em up.
- Morning.
- I want to enlist.
Glad to hear it.
Are you interested in active duty or army reserve? - Active duty.
Full-time.
- All right.
I'd be happy to help you find a specialty, Let you know when they're classing up.
- I don't want to wait for a specialty.
I'm ready to leave now.
- Any reason why you're seeking out the army? Trouble at home? Running away from jail or a pregnant girlfriend? Here's my transcript.
I already passed the vocational aptitude battery And physical exams.
When's the next bus to basic combat training? Tomorrow morning.
- What else do I need? - Photo I.
D.
I'll be here.
- Hey, take some time to think on it.
I'm ready now.
- So does he know we're having a party for him? - Nope.
It's a surprise.
- Men don't give a shit about this stuff.
Well, it's a big deal.
First gallagher kid getting a diploma.
Hey, what about you? - G.
E.
D.
Doesn't really count.
- Diplomas are overrated.
I didn't get a diploma, and look at me.
hey, don't give me no shit, kev! I do not sound like that.
- Oh! Give me those! You better watch yourself.
ow! - How would you like it if I did that to you? don't bite! No! So still haven't heard from what's his name? - Do you want to give me a hand with the banner? - Oh, I guess that's my cue to get more coffee.
- He didn't even have the balls to dump me in person.
- He told you who he was from the beginning.
Car thief.
Lied about his name for months.
- Your point? - Sorry.
- No.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be a bitch about it.
- He's a wuss, forget about him.
He's forgotten.
Just pissed I wasted two years of my life.
- You guys aren't being fair.
- What? - Did you or did you not tell jimmy the last time you saw him Not to come home? - So? - Well, now you're mad at him for doing exactly what you said? She didn't mean it.
- Yeah, I did.
- Aah! - Yeah, but just for that night, not forever.
I didn't think he'd take it for real.
Why not? - Because that's what women do in the heat of the moment.
We say shit we don't mean.
- I got it.
But how the fuck is he supposed to know that? Just go get the car, kev.
We're gonna be late for the baby doctor.
- Okay, fine, but how do I know you really mean go get the car? You could be saying, "go get the car," In the heat of the moment.
- Crazy time of year, end of semester.
I have to let a litany of underachievers know They'd best be advised to cut their losses And learn a trade, something that utilizes their backs Instead of their brains.
It's moments like this that make the job worth it.
Crap pay, miserable working conditions, But the chance to change one special kid's life.
Congratulations.
Wow.
Guess this is where I'm supposed to, uh, thank you For never giving up on me.
well.
I'll see ya, dick.
Teachers are taking bets what's next for you, gallagher.
College, ten to one.
Prison, four to one.
- Hey, kate, can I get a shot? - And enable your truancy? This place is pathetic enough already.
I'm not skipping school.
Surprisingly, they let me graduate.
- Good for you.
This one's on the house.
Thanks.
- I know what you're thinking.
You can tap that.
And you'd be right.
But chew on this.
Sure, she's got some frisky tricks up her sleeve, But there's more tread on those tires than it's worth.
Trust me, been there.
Planted my flag and I got the piss pins and needles To prove it.
- I thought you were in jail, frank.
- Got out on a technicality.
- Why did you take the rap for carl? - Because that's what family does.
Have I taught you nothing? - Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Congra-- what for? Your kid got his diploma.
My boy! Why didn't you say something? We need to celebrate.
Attention! Denizens of this dump! - Frank, you okay? - Better than ever! Because my progeny has joined the ranks of the graduated! - Which makes official something we've long known, Which is that the gallaghers are head and shoulders above All of you shitbirds! - Seriously, frank, you look like crap.
Even for you.
- You're one to talk, tommy.
You're one bucket of kfc extra crispy away From giving precious a run for her money.
oh! - You know I got a fucking thyroid condition oh.
- And I could still kick your ass.
- Well, why don't you put your money Where your halitosis-ridden mouth is.
- Hey, I'm not mopping up the blood and the teeth again.
Figure out another way to settle your pissing contest.
- Fine, pissing contest! - Fine! Let's go! - Hey, I didn't mean it literally! Push-ups! you won't make double digits.
What does it matter? You can't count that high anyway.
- Oh, I want in on this! - Me too! - Let's do it! Push these tables aside.
- Hold on.
- Make a hole.
- No girlie, on-your-knees push-ups.
- Only one of us spends time on their knees, frank, And it ain't me.
okay, 10 bucks in.
My kid will hold.
- 20! Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
All right, no food stamps.
But lottery scratchers are accepted.
Okay.
All right, we're ready.
Get set! And go! One, two, Three, four Five, six, seven eight, nine! Tommy! - Know what kind of upper body strength It takes to handle a rig, gallagher? I can do this all day.
- Not just a test of strength but stamina.
The kind one gets from years of running from people, Not sitting on your ass in a truck for 18 hours a day.
- Uh-oh.
- Um, there you go, man.
Drink responsibly.
- Hey, kate, can I get another shot? Hey, wanna go celebrate? - Uh - A steak.
- No.
- Aw, come on! You got something better to do? - Make it a scotch and a lobster, You got yourself a deal.
All right! - It's steve.
Leave some words.
So you just never pick up anymore, huh? Hi.
It's fiona.
Fiona gallagher.
Remember me? We used to date.
Maybe we still do.
I left you a message this morning.
You should probably just delete that.
You know that thing I said about not coming home? I didn't mean it.
I mean, I did mean it.
Just for that night though.
Not forever, silly.
Sorry if I wasn't clear about that.
Give me a call.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
- Okay, so I've got little baggies Of dried nuts and blueberries, which are good brain food.
- Great, mom, but I'm pretty sure They have all that stuff in sedona.
- Yes, but it's 1,642 miles if you take scenic I-40.
- Bye, hymie.
It's been nice knowing you.
- and you have to look up shiva ray.
Remember I told you about him? He's the medicine man that lives in sedona.
I read about him online.
He cured this woman's ovarian cancer By giving her wheatgrass douches.
- Great, I'll look her up.
- Him.
He's a him.
Shiva ray.
Him.
- I'll look him up.
Okay.
- all right.
This is it.
Oh, my goodness.
I know I agreed to this, but it doesn't mean It's not hard to say good-bye To my baby.
Both my babies.
All three of my babies! Bye, baby.
Shh.
Okay.
it's okay, it's okay.
My sweet karen.
I knew this day would come, When I'd be saying a proper good-bye to you.
It didn't really look like this though.
You didn't-- You didn't have a wheelchair and-- and A bigScar on your head.
I know I have to let you go.
Good-bye.
- Just stop it.
No more good-byes.
Just see you soon.
- See you soon.
- See you soon! - See you soon.
- See you soon! Baby.
- We'll call you when we get settled in.
- Okay.
Go heal my baby.
I will.
bye, baby.
bye, baby.
Bye, honey! Bye! Bye! Love you! Want me to make you some macaroni and cheese? - Uh, I have to finish getting the house ready For lip's party.
- Let me grab my coat.
I can come help.
Sure.
- So don't worry, I'll make sure That you have everything you need.
Dr.
Lishman? Fiona.
Hi.
Uh, I'll catch up with you guys later.
I'm surprised to see you.
Are you feeling okay? - Yeah, I wanted to talk to you.
Oh.
How's ian? Fine.
I was wondering if you'd seen jimmy lately? How long? Almost a week.
- You two are having problems? - Things have been a little rough lately, yeah.
- Any sign of conflict or things not going his way, And he just Disappears.
Gone.
Chipotle? - What? - I always have my hot dog with a little chipotle sauce.
You want some? - Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
- Rosa, two specials.
Chipotle.
It's what he does.
I've gotten used to it.
At least as used to it as a father can when his son Doesn't call or email for months at a time.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Maybe this time's different? Absolutely.
Yeah, you never know, right? - I should get back to work.
You'll be fine.
Thanks for the hot dog.
- All right, there we go.
There's the little peach pit.
- Holy crap, there he is! - He looks just like you, baby.
- He kind of does, doesn't he? - Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl, doc? - 12 weeks is too early to tell.
Give it another month.
- 12 weeks? That's impossible.
But we only started trying - Then it must have happened on the first go-around.
Let me print this up, and I'll let you get dressed.
Ooh, yeah, that's weird.
my body usually tells me when I'm pregnant.
You know, it's never been wrong before.
Wonder what happened this time.
- What are you doing? - Rotc retreat.
- Since when? - Last minute.
Hey, where's my knife? - I don't know.
- Carl, my s.
O.
G.
Seal team.
It's the best fixed blade I got.
My samurai sword broke.
Need a backup till it's fixed.
Yeah.
- What if the zombie apocalypse goes down while you're gone? Who's gonna protect debbie and liam? - Fine, keep it.
- Really? - Yeah, just promise you're not gonna use it on anything human.
- Cats aren't human.
- Anything living.
Promise.
- Promise.
Can you teach me the different hand grips? - Sure.
- Thanks.
- Hold on, now.
- 12 weeks pregnant! - Veronica, I promise.
I swear I had no idea.
Ladies, please.
Hey, v, come on, that's not right.
Although, hey, I should probably record this In case we want to upload it to our site, Make some money, just watch her belly if you're gonna hit her.
- Just trying to keep the peace, baby.
- Honey, I promise, I didn't know! Please, you always know.
You're like a walking pee stick! - Yeah, in the past, but this time-- There is no "this time.
" You kept quiet 'cause you wanted to keep fucking my husband! What the fuck are you looking at, huh? My husband fucked my mother to get pregnant.
Sorry we can't all have our baby the normal way! Hey, what can I say? Once you go white, you always stay tight.
Hey, I think I just insulted myself.
- Mom, admit it.
- Okay.
Okay, I thought I might be pregnant! - Oh, my god.
- No, but, honey.
Look, I didn't know.
I didn't take a test or anything.
I didn't want to know.
- What? Why? - Because I liked what we had.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me? - No, not what we, me and kev had, what we all had.
- What are you talking about? - Been feeling so lonely lately.
And when you called me to help out, It made me feel wanted-- Wanted in a loving way, in a family way, Needed, important.
hey, I'm your baby fetus.
Please don't fight anymore.
I know kev is a big, hot stud, And you couldn't resist his giant cock penis.
But I'm all that matters now, right? - what does it take to get a refill around here? - Jacket and tie would probably help.
- This is nice.
We don't spend enough time together.
- No, we don't spend any time together.
Exactly my point.
You know, son, you can always come to me.
Thanks, dad.
- I worry about you.
- Is that right? - A parent's plight never goes away, No matter how old your kid gets.
Look at you, A high school graduate.
Where the fuck is that waiter? - Don't go getting misty-eyed on me now.
Need any words of fatherly advice? - No, I think I got it covered.
- Oh, come on, come on! What's on your mind? - Okay, why not? Day couldn't get any weirder.
Um, I'm done with school.
I have no idea what I'm gonna do Today or tomorrow Or for the rest of my life.
So no plans? No.
- Good for you.
You're just like me.
We March to the beat of a different drummer.
Everyone will try to cage you in, Tell you you have to worry about your future.
You know what your future should be? This-- living life to the fullest, Every day like it's your last.
This place is single-handedly lowering my tolerance.
Let's hit the liquor store.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, um, you really think They deserve your hard-earned money for that service? - Dine and dash? - Bite and bolt.
- Eat it and beat it? - I'll take the front door.
- Excuse me, amigo, uh, bano? Gracias.
- Excuse me, I gotta take this call.
Can we see a dessert menu? - Of course.
- Hey, fiona, missed you at lunch.
- What are all these people doing outside mike's office? - Job applicants.
- Thanks so much, man, okay? We'll talk to you later this week.
You bet.
- Hi.
Uh, sorry.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, uh, sure.
- There's a job opening up? - Yeah.
Rick from sales is moving to our columbus office.
Well, I want it.
- No, I need somebody with experience.
This is about our night in the tent.
- I can assure you it is not.
- But I've been here for months.
My temp position's ending, and I'm ready.
- I would love to keep you around, But uncle matt's not gonna let me hire someone Who doesn't have a proven track record, Which all those people out there do, okay? Listen, if you had one sale on the books, This would be a different conversation.
- I've pushed cocktails, that's sales.
- Wait, weren't you moving to michigan? I mean, you wanted to work in our ann arbor office.
- And I convinced all those customers You thought you lost to re-up.
- You got them on the hook, but it was the sales department That closed the deals.
Hey.
You've been a great asset to this company.
I'm really sorry.
- I remember the first time I brought you here.
- Fuck you! You never took me skating.
- Always took you skating, to the park, to the zoo.
You tried to make off with a tortoise.
That was you.
- Huh.
Good market in endangered species.
- That's 'cause it's illegal, frank.
Bleeding heart eco-fascist.
- It's called survival of the fittest for a reason.
You don't want to be endangered, speed the fuck up! grow some opposable thumbs! Otherwise you end up on ebay for 10 grand, As darwin intended.
Uh-oh! all right.
- More for a rhino.
- What? - Horn.
Pay a king's ransom in asia.
Grind it into powder.
Morons say it cures cancer.
Also tiger dick.
They take a couple of bites, and they think it turns them Into fuck machines.
I'm not making this shit up! Oh, shit! This is slippery.
- Whoo! - I'm gonna-- shit! - All right.
- Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
We should do this more often.
- Afternoon drinking buddies? - We could hit the zoo tomorrow.
Steal it.
- What? - The rhino horn.
Do it together.
- You're fucking wasted.
- Alcohol provides clarity.
We hide in the bird sanctuary until closing.
We drug the rhino.
Once it's down, a quick back and forth with the saw.
And we're a few clicks away from a bidding war.
What do you say? no, no, no, no, no, no, no! You're not some co-ed on spring break.
Gallaghers do not puke! Oh, stop! oh! oh, god.
Domino effect! whoa! Hey! You two are out of here right now! He okay? - Frank? Frank! - Barry, I need an ambulance.
Can I help you? Dude, don't you know it's not cool To rush a woman alone on the street? - He wanted you to have this.
- Who? What the hell is that? - The man who lived here with you.
Jimmy? Wait! Hey, wait! Was he here? Where is he? Hey, did he say anything else? - Yes, he said you were too good for him.
He has moved on.
Now so must you.
Hey! Come on! Hey! Lip, what's going on? Hi, I'm fiona gallagher.
My father frank gallagher was just admitted.
- Let me check.
- What's wrong with him? - you mean this time? I wouldn't worry, it's frank.
- I bet he has cancer.
- Only if there's money in it.
- First left, fourth door on the right.
Thanks.
Stay here, okay? - What? - No.
- Yes, I'll tell you as soon as I know anything.
- No, I'm sick of you treating me like a little baby.
- Me too.
- Okay.
Go wait in the lobby.
Now! Hey, uh, were you just in there with my father? Francis gallagher? - I was.
- Well, can you tell me what's going on? - Just broke the news to him.
Took it in stride.
Although I don't think he's truly accepting it yet.
What-- what news? Took what in stride? Under $100.
- Hi, there.
- Hey! I'm glad you're here.
Try to get me some more of these pudding cups, would you? - No! Don't mention food! - Oh, jesus, lip! Really? It smells like a distillery in there.
- Celebrating my graduation.
- Getting drunk in the middle of the day with him? Are you an idiot? - Please save the mommy lecture for tomorrow, please, When my head isn't pounding so much.
- Get up, get home.
Get sober.
We're planning a surprise party for you.
- It's not a surprise, I already knew.
- Well, debbie and carl are waiting in the lobby.
So take them with you.
This isn't gonna be fun.
- Yeah, and grab your surprise ice cream cake Out of the freezer and start defrosting it.
Okay.
Three raw eggs, worcestershire, and a sliver of ginger.
Works every time.
- Jesus.
No hbo, no showtime.
Just basic cable.
And what the hell is a tosh 2.
0? - The doctor talk to you, frank? - Yeah.
"blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, stop drinking.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
" - He told me you were really sick.
- Do I look really sick to you? - Said you were throwing up blood.
- That's 'cause I've got too much of it in me.
It's a filtration process.
My body knows how to flush itself out.
- Stop joking.
This is serious.
- It's just doctor mumbo jumbo To scare you into taking more tests.
Fucking parasites.
- What are you doing? - I gotta use the can.
- Well, let's get the nurse.
- Don't like the one that's on duty.
She's fat.
Roll that thing behind me, will you? He said if you don't stop drinking, you're gonna die.
As in dead, you know, Like, no longer living? And soon.
when did you start to care? Not sure that I do.
I've dreamt about your death.
Put money in a collection box and prayed for it.
Blew out my birthday candles, wished for it.
If it actually ever happened, I don't know if I'd feel relief or guilt.
your birthday candles? - I wrote a letter to santa once.
So I'm supposed to stop drinking So that you don't feel guilty? No.
You're supposed to stop drinking because you have Children at home who love you.
And I don't know why.
Who would be destroyed if anything happened to you.
- Tragedy makes kids tough, fiona.
- Then be the fabulous narcissist that you are, And do it for yourself.
- What if I don't want to change? - Then I would know what I've always feared is true.
What is that? - That you don't give a shit about any of us.
So do it for you.
Do it for your kids.
It doesn't matter.
Do it.
- yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - Hey, where were you today? I didn't see you at school.
Something came up.
- They gave us homework over the christmas break.
I told mrs.
Stoltz that jesus didn't want us celebrating His birthday by fucking reading.
You want the assignments? - Just came by to see you.
- Who's at the goddamn door? It's for me, shithead! Got some nitrous.
I'll go get it.
Hey.
Up to four sets of 20.
Get in here.
I want to show you something.
Come on.
Come check it out.
Wife made me take all my nazi shit down.
She hates nazis.
Apparently the russians kicked some serious kraut ass In world war ii, so She can drink me under the fucking table, man.
It's weird.
Anyways She's working tomorrow night.
Why don't we pick up where we left off? Figure she's gonna be out fucking dudes.
Why can't I? No, thanks.
- Mm.
Hard to get's getting me hard, gallagher.
I'm, uh, leaving town.
- There a queer rights rally somewhere? Army.
- Ah! Right.
You gotta be 18.
- Yeah, I figured a way around that.
- You serious? You're signing up? Tomorrow morning.
- That's a dumb-ass fucking move.
How long? - Four years.
Minimum.
- What are you hoping, I tell you not to go? I'm gonna chase after you like some bitch? - Didn't come here for you.
Don't.
- Don't what? - Just - I got the nitrous.
Meet you outside.
Yeah.
- What the fuck do you want? - Really? That's all you're gonna say to him? You're a fucking pussy.
- What's going on? - Oh, hey, I fed liam.
And put him down a half an hour ago.
- Thanks.
- How's daddy? - Is he okay? - that's up to him.
What does that mean? - We should be at the hospital helping him out.
- He needs to help himself.
- What? - What's up with taking down the decorations? Lip told us to.
- No one feels much like a party.
- Hey, sometimes life throws a couple swings at you.
But we're gallaghers, okay? And there's two things that we're really good at-- Knowing how to get back up and knowing how to party.
So you get the tape, start hanging up that banner.
And you go get kev and v.
Sheila, start taking the food back out.
I'll get lip.
- Whoo! Hungry? - Don't.
- Chicken pot pie.
- God, seriously.
- Sloppy joes.
- Stop, fiona.
- Serves you right.
Hell of a way to start life after graduation.
Where is it? - What? The piece of paper.
Mm.
- I wasn't actually sure you'd ever get this.
That makes two of us.
I'm proud of you.
I came into some money.
- Bury the lead, why don't you? - I put a bunch away for rent and gas, But there's something I want to do with the rest.
Please don't tell me you're gonna promote Another club night, okay? I'm nauseous enough.
Mm, something else.
Could get a full-time job out of it.
- If I say okay, will you close the fucking door? - You're wanted downstairs.
- I got the spins, fi.
- Get it together and put a smile on your face.
Debbie and carl need motivation.
Come on, everyone's waiting.
okay.
- Walk forward.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And All: Surprise! What's sheila doing here? - Yeah! It's crab cakes.
You can educate our baby! Eh, well, um I'm going to go with ambrosia.
- The shrimp crab cakes are delicious, sheila.
Oh.
I was thinking about some fun things We could do tomorrow together.
- Oh, um, actually, veronica was gonna take me To the skating rink.
- Oh.
- I really enjoy hanging out with you, sheila, But now that there's an empty nest, Maybe it's a good time for you To start making some new friends Closer to your own age who share your interests.
Maybe.
Whoa! congratulations.
- Debs, play some music.
Get it going! - Hey, fi, good news, v and I came up With a compromise on a name.
Amy if it's a girl, d'shawndre if it's a boy.
what? Please tell me this is an early baby shower gift.
- I need you to order a couple thousand cups For the alibi first thing in the morning.
- Cups? It's a bar, not a frat party.
We drink out of glasses and mugs.
Where did you get this from? - Tell them I convinced you to do it.
Okay.
What's going on? nice.
- Best cure for a hangover.
Sweet.
Thanks.
Where the fuck's he going? Worried? - What's gonna happen to daddy? He always finds a way.
We're not moving to michigan.
I wanted you to be the first to know.
Jimmy's gone for good? Mm-hmm.
But there's a chance I might get a new job.
- At the cup company.
- Maybe.
That's great.
- Don't tell anybody about it unless it happens, okay? Comes with benefits.
Dental? For me too? Well, don't blow it.
Get the job.
I'll try.
- whoo, there's haunted john, haunted john haunted john, haunted john What's going on? Shaving your head.
What? - To let the sunrays in, so they can heal you, Like they did with my cancer.
Sunrays.
Right.
Won't take long.
Carry on.
Hey, little man.
I'll send postcards, all right? Coming.
Hello! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh! Debbie, sonia, terry.
Come in, come in.
- Gallagher? - Yeah, thanks.
- And this little gem-- or should I say, giant gem, Is the black bullet stimulator.
And its cousin, the silver bullet stimulator.
Now I recommend getting several of these For your home, car, and travel needs.
I have one last item to show you.
This is the vanilla-scented snug shrink cream.
Now, who needs help filling out the order forms? Just see oh.
Um, here you go.
Great.
Um, feel free to change the name and-- um, here you go.
And pen.
- This is the one I was telling you about.
This is fiona gallagher, made the alibi room sale.
- Good one.
A sale in the books.
- Yeah.
Overnight, no less.
- Let's give her a two-week trial, mike.
See if it works out.
- thank you, sir.
Okay.
- Aah! - Yay! Here we go.
Pens, paper, and all the office supplies You need are in the top drawer.
Your direct phone number is listed on the call sheet.
You should record an outgoing message.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
phillip? It's lip.
- It's just gallagher now.
Get on.
Next.
- We can order your business cards.
Whoo-hoo! Ah, thank you! - Once you get settled, mike wants to have a meeting With you and all the other sales reps this afternoon.
- Okay, cool.
Thanks, connie.
- Congratulations, fiona.
You remind me of me.
at that very desk.
I come to life when the night is in - Hi, this is fiona with worldwide cup.
How are you today? I'm well, thank you, we've noticed that you Haven't renewed your order in a while.
- going down, going down yeah, I'm going down to the devil's playground hey, hey, hey, hey - Still awaiting final vote.
been pending since last year.
strong bipartisan support From the senate judiciary committee.
These are non-controversial nominees that are due The up or down vote for the United States senate.
And there is no justification for the delay of the senate Carrying out its constitutional responsibility Fuck.
Hey.
Hi, um I got into m.
I.
T.
It's a full ride.
Anyway, it wouldn't have happened without you.
So Thank you.
- oh, there's the river that winds on forever I'm gonna see where it leads Are you gonna go? - oh, there's a mountain that no man has mounted I'm gonna stand on the peak out there's a land that time don't command wanna be the first to arrive - no time for ponderin' why I'm a-wanderin' on while we're both still alive to the ends of the earth, would you follow me? there's a world that was meant for us to see to the ends of the earth, would you follow me? well, if you want, I will say my good-byes to thee - It's steve.
Leave some words.
- Last message, I promise.
Wherever you are Bye.
- to the ends of the earth, would you follow me? there's a world that was meant for us to see to the ends of the earth, would you follow me? well, if you want, I will say my good-byes to thee I was ready to die for you, baby doesn't mean I'm ready to stay