Speechless (2016) s03e12 Episode Script

1 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CLINKING ON TEACUP.]
Attention, ladies and ladies.
Welcome to the 34th annual Lafayette Mother-Daughter Tea.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
35th, isn't it? I run the school, Mother.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
- Professor Miller.
Oh, put it away.
35th and final.
Drink up.
MAYA: Oh, this is so delightful.
So many strong, beautiful women, all calling each other the B-word.
You will know when I'm mad at you.
This is a normal skirt.
Well, your grandmother is a liar.
I just love that we have a perfect relationship and that Jimmy is gonna bail us out soon with a pretend JJ emergency.
- Shoulders back.
You can do it.
- Come on.
Mother, stop it.
Care to visit the photo booth, Mother? We are so connected.
[CHUCKLES.]
Have we ever fought? Well, I think I'd remember.
I mean, you and me It would be total Armageddon.
Right.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're lucky you have such a cool daughter.
Well, you're cool 'cause I'm cool.
What does that mean? Just that you're a mini-Maya.
We get along because you're me, and I love me.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
JIMMY: Maya! Where are you? [PANTING.]
It's JJ! I left him alone in a hot-air balloon for one second, and now he's gone! - Come on! - Not again.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
So, what do we do? - [APPLAUSE.]
- MR.
POWERS: Wow.
"What will they do?" indeed.
I know what we'll do.
A Q&A with the creators of "Late August Rain.
" Let's give it up for them and also my segue! - [APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
First question is for our director.
You capture your lead, Izzy, with such love in long, lingering shots.
Tell me, what drove that decision? "I didn't linger" Sorry.
Can we pull up the lingering shots? [STUDENTS MURMURING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
I mean, come on.
I also have a question.
Were you planning on swooping in to date Izzy, even though we cast her so that I could date her? Oh, and a follow-up Won't I think you're a creep when I find that out? Look how long the creep lingers in this shot.
"I'm not a creep.
- I don't like her.
" - Really? You can't lie to a Minotaur.
ALL: You can't lie to a Minotaur.
You can't lie to a Minotaur.
[ECHOING.]
You can't lie to a Minotaur.
- You can't lie to a Minotaur.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING.]
You can't lie to a Minotaur.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Awesome movie, JJ.
Uh, wait.
Is that a weird thing to say - when I'm in the movie? - [LAUGHS.]
So, when are we talking about that sequel? "What are you doing now?" - Nothing.
- Oh, then you're free for coffee.
Sure.
Um Talk later, JJ? Okay.
Nice work getting her to admit she was free.
- DYLAN: Hey, Ray? - Aah! How long have you been down there? To answer the question behind your question, I heard you fart.
Let's move past it.
How would you describe me? That's a tough question.
You're a complex person with dozens of Am I a mini-Maya? Oh, yeah, that nails it.
What?! It's not a bad thing.
We all have our dynamics with Mom.
JJ can do no wrong.
Mom and I have our Sam and Diane "will they or won't they" thing, and you and Mom are two peas in an angry pod.
I don't want that.
I'm my own pea.
It's just your dynamic.
And if I were you, I wouldn't mess with it.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Oh, no.
Now I know you're gonna mess with the dynamic, because that's what Mom would do.
No, I'm gonna mess with the dynamic because that's what Dylan would do! [BOOK THUMPS.]
"What do you do when you have a forbidden crush?" [GASPS.]
Wait.
Dude, you have a crush? On who? Spell faster! "Forbidden crush.
I don't want the others to know.
" Who has a forbidden crush? - JJ.
- JJ what? Has a forbidden crush.
A forbidden crush, you say? - JJ has one.
- On who? - Well, he hasn't said.
- RAY: Who hasn't said? JJ hasn't said his forbidden crush.
Ah, it's like we're on "The West Wing.
" "I like a girl, but a guy I'm close to liked her first.
" Uch, is this like a "bro code" thing? As a man who's been unlucky with love, I've developed an approach I like to call "Mean Don Juan.
" Anything goes.
In the game of love, there are no friends, only winners, whose hearts doth intertwine.
Weird energy to this whole speech.
KENNETH: "You know what? I didn't want this to be a whole thing.
I'm good.
" [MOTOR WHIRRING.]
He's good? Who's good? Damn it, we lost it.
Wait.
Uh, Melanie's busy tomorrow night.
Wanna go out? Yeah.
We always talk about a "guy-hang," - and things always fall through.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
- We're two busy fellas.
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I thought that we could check out the turtle races at McSmerling's Pub.
I'm in, baby! You heard of that? No, but I'm a dad.
I will go anywhere.
I didn't even hear what you just invited me to.
Last word on it Do what you need to do to be with this girl.
Who cares about the other, loser guy? - Crush him.
- [SIGHS.]
"The girl I like is Izzy.
" Oh.
Oh.
Okay, well, she's setting up for the Valentine's Day dance.
I was gonna go help and make a move.
You should go.
"What about Mean Don Juan?" I'm not gonna fight you.
You're my brother.
"You sued me for taking your phone.
" I sat down with a lawyer to discuss my options! "Why won't you compete with me?" There's no one reason.
It's because he's in a wheelchair.
Is he? But he talks, right? I can't get in the way of JJ and a girl.
I fall in love five times a day.
I just noticed that curvy lamp for the first time.
I love her.
Look, I'm sure this all goes away unless you made a big deal about being a Mean Don Juan in a competitive love situation.
I can't tell if you're being sarcastic, but I did do that.
Now I can't back down, and I'm gonna break his heart.
Where did you buy that lamp?! Okay, Ray, I'm gonna put this as gently as possible.
You're worried that you're going to get the girl? - Yeah.
- And would you say, historically No judgment That winning the girl is something you, Ray, - cannot avoid? - You're right.
If I just do what I normally do, no way things work out.
Thanks, Dad.
Guess I'm off to, uh, be me.
Okay.
There we go.
[CHUCKLING.]
Hey, Kenneth.
I'm on my way out the door.
Dude, you're gonna hate me, but Melanie's schedule freed up, and she wants to come to the turtle races tonight.
Mind if I take a rain check? I know your heart was set on this.
No, no, it wasn't.
That's That's fine.
You two have fun.
Uh [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, no.
That's not what you're gonna hate.
See, Joyce told me about this place.
She's here all the time.
Now, I can't have her here, coming and causing a scene with Melanie.
You think you can stall her for a few hours? You want me to hang out with Joyce? Oh.
I have to keep my marble collection with me, or my roommate will steal it.
No.
Take Melanie someplace else.
- Thanks a lot, buddy.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Hey Okay.
Well, I will see you all next week.
Yeah, let me get that door for you.
Oh.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
Ow! My back! Hey, could you take a look at this? [SIGHS.]
Do I ask you to make me shoes on a Sunday? Do you think I'm a cobbler? [SIGHS.]
My gift, my curse.
- Have you seen this? - [DOOR CREAKS SHUT.]
The school is considering a ban on straws based on some environmental measure.
I mean, JJ can't drink without a straw.
This is war.
Ray, think of puns based on the word "suck.
" Dylan, top them.
I can't, because I am for the straw ban.
- No, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.
They make some good points.
- Name one.
- Make me.
Dad, what's happening? I don't know, son.
No eye contact.
Don't take the "teenage daughter" tone with me.
What's the matter? Are you afraid of a little Mageddon? - What? - Our Mageddon.
The one you talked about if we ever fought? 'Cause, lady, this ain't just my Mageddon.
What does she think a "Mageddon" is? This would be an attack on our family, Dylan.
Say you won't support it.
[KEYS CLACKING.]
I just signed the online petition.
Then you are grounded for a thousand years.
We have grounding power? - [BONES CRACK.]
- Ugggghhhhh! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
"Your turn, Mean Don Juan.
Do your worst.
" Oh, I plan to.
[CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE.]
Izzy.
'Sup, guuuuuurl? Ray, I'm glad you're here.
There are less people than expected.
Ah, ah, ah.
Fewer people, mon cheri.
Thank you for correcting my grammar.
That was helpful.
Do you want to give me a hand with this? Uh, first, do you want to hear my take on what modern feminism gets wrong? That could be interesting.
I'll go grab some drinks.
[CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE.]
What is happening? - [BONES CRACKING.]
- Ahh! Ahh.
This ends now! You are grounded until you take your name off that straw ban! You can't ground what you can't catch! Aha! That was a practice "aha!" - Dylan! - Maybe we should go.
Is car physical therapy a thing? - It is for twice my rate.
- Sold.
You do not leave this house.
- DYLAN: [ECHOING.]
I am this house.
- [WOOD CREAKING.]
She's in the walls.
She's in the walls.
I'm gonna go and get a sledgehammer.
Okay, well, good luck, guys.
Love you.
[CREAKING CONTINUES.]
[BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Shh.
She's fun.
So, I just decided I'm a weird kisser, and I'm never going to change.
Amazing, right? No bicep.
The doctors don't know how I bend it.
Your jeans don't fit.
- Okay, that's it.
- Thank you.
I've tried to be nice because JJ kept going on about how amazing you are and how we'd be great together, but I don't see it at all.
JJ was talking me up? - Why? - If you find out, tell me.
Wait actually, have someone else tell me.
[ENGINE REVS.]
Joyce, how do I put this - How can I afford an Aston Martin? - Yeah.
A client gave it to me as a tip.
The feds keep trying to take it, but I'm like, "Hey, I'm not in the Hungarian Mafia.
" [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Oh, Kenneth? I got to prank him.
- Hey, that's my - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[IMITATING JIMMY BADLY.]
Hey, K-Dawg, what's up? I do not sound like that.
Jimmy, thank God I caught you.
Hey, Kenneth, don't say anything.
Melanie can't make it for two more hours.
Can you keep stalling Joyce? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Oh.
Yeah, I'll do my best, but, boy, if she ever figures this out, there is no place on earth you can hide.
[LAUGHS.]
You got that right, Jimbo.
[LAUGHS.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
I'm grounded when I say I'm grounded.
[DOOR RATTLES.]
Predictable.
I drilled it shut.
I thought you might.
[CLICKING.]
And I thought you might have thought I might.
Drop the straw ban, Dylan.
You can't win because you and I share a mind.
If I want to know what you'll do, I just think what would I do.
- Lucky guess.
- Lucky guess.
You talked me up to Izzy? Why would you want someone you like to go out with me? Right? You've made your opinion on me quite clear.
Now, good day, Madison.
So? "I'd rather she choose you than turn me down.
" You're afraid of a little rejection? [SCOFFS.]
I've been rejected by every girl in this room.
"That's different.
You get rejected because of your bad, weird choices.
" Big true, big true.
"I will get rejected for the same reason I always do, and she won't even say it.
She'll make up some dumb excuse.
It's worse than the no.
" Maybe Izzy's different.
Try.
I am so, so sorry.
It's not you.
I'm mad he put you in this position.
We are just a couple of booty calls.
I-I don't want to disagree with you - because you're terrifying - Mm-hmm.
but I am not Kenneth's booty call.
Does he ever take you out into public? No.
We make plans.
We're just two busy fellas.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Which of these "two busy fellas" cancels the plans? Uh, well, one time, Kenneth was sick.
One time, Kenneth had to take his aunt to the airport.
Uh, one time, Kenneth said he was stuck in an elevator, but then I saw someone who looked exactly like him on one of those eight-person bicycles.
So, really, "two busy fellas" is just one busy fella and I'm Kenneth's booty call.
Oh, JJ.
Look, I tried, but I told Ray it isn't going to work.
Is he okay? "He's fine.
Rejection rolls off him.
" No, I mean in the larger sense.
Is he okay? [CHUCKLES.]
Um, while I've got you here, can you tell me if you think something's romantic? "Isn't this just the Halloween maze?" You could still tell, huh? I blew most of the decorations in one spot.
At least you can't tell it's an axe murderer anymore.
"Look, Izzy.
About before I was afraid, so I pushed you toward Ray.
But I like you.
I think you might like me.
" "Would you go out with me?" You're really nice, JJ.
It's just I have this boyfriend from out of town, and "It's okay, really.
" Okay.
Uh, thanks, JJ.
[SIGHS.]
This is a really good maze.
[INSECTS CHIRPING.]
Looking to ruin these? - Fire extinguisher's also empty.
- [FIRE EXTINGUISHER RATTLING.]
Fine.
You know me.
But that doesn't make me you.
You don't even know how lucky you have it.
I don't complain about anything.
My phone is your piece of crap from 10 years ago.
What the heck is AT&B? Plus, I have to share a room with JJ and Ray.
- Every night, it's disgusting.
- Well, I don't want to hear about it.
Ray tries on all of his outfits for the next day and makes us watch him walk in them.
- I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
- Why do I even bother? - I'm out of here.
- Okay.
Well, you can't escape, 'cause wherever you go, you'll be me, and I'll be there.
Not without a car, you won't.
What? Where are you going? Wait, you can't No, come back! [CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
Smell ya later.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[CRASHING.]
Smell ya now.
- [CHEERING.]
- Come on, come on! Go! Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
Yes! Aghhh! Joyce.
It's so good to see you.
Kenneth Clements, you never even told me goodbye.
You didn't have the guts to do it.
And for that, I will announce to this crowded bar your Social Security number.
0-9-6 Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I'm sorry, Joyce.
You deserved a goodbye.
What we had was special.
It burned brightly, and now it is a memory, one that I'll cherish.
Goodbye, Joyce.
Oh, Kenneth You know what apologies do to my body.
- Yeah.
- But I understand.
Farewell, Kenneth.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
That's it?! I didn't cower in the parking lot and sneak in behind you to see that.
Apologize to her! You played with her heart, and you toyed with her feelings.
No, I just wanted the goodbye.
It wasn't really a "feelings" thing.
Yeah.
She made it really clear about that.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Right? - Yes, I did.
[CHUCKLES.]
But did he play with your heart and toy with your feelings? Pfft, no.
Please.
Jimmy, you care.
[SCOFFS.]
I think you boys have some things to talk about, so I'll leave you to it.
Oh, Joyce, how do you know my Social Security number? Goodbye, Kenneth.
MAYA: Well, here's another difference between us.
I've never driven the van through a garage.
- This garage.
- What did I do? This is what I get for asking for what I want.
Why can't you ask me for what you want? Look what happened! No, I should just keep my head down and be quiet.
I'll go figure out how to take my name off the straw petition.
Ugh, this is all my Mageddon.
This is how we avoid a love triangle next time.
I keep records of every girl from school who's ever rejected me.
Likes, dislikes, allergies Go nuts.
Oh, except for with Alisha B.
Big peanut allergy.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry she said no and that she wasn't straight with you about why.
And I'm really sorry I wasn't straight with you either.
I didn't want to compete with you but was too chicken to tell you why.
"Call it even if you find a hot girl to be straight with me.
" Yeah.
Me, I like to see what they come up with.
This girl told me that if she didn't date until she was 30, a witch would give her her parents back.
Creative, right? [CHEERING.]
Yeah, which one's ours? I have no idea! Go! Uh, when's Melanie getting here? I canceled on Melanie.
I thought I was just a guy who took care of your kid, but now that we're friends, there's gonna be a lot more of that.
Sounds nice, Kenneth.
My improv group meets tomorrow at 9:00 a.
m.
You can bring a friend.
I will.
Uh, jazz brunch after that.
[CHUCKLES.]
I've been drinking a lot here.
I think my friend's gonna have to drive me home.
Huh.
Do I want to be your friend? [CHUCKLING.]
I dunno know, man.
I ask a lot.
[CHUCKLES.]
You'll see.
Whoo! Oh, hey, JJ.
And Ray.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry for being weird yesterday and for misreading your signals.
I just hope we can still be friends.
" Of course we can, JJ.
Um Ray, can you give us a minute? Hey.
I'll give you two.
No charge.
Okay, bye.
You didn't misread any signals.
I do like you.
It's just Your disability kind of freaks me out.
"Did Ray tell you to say that?" What? No.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, I could see why you'd think that, because it's weird and it's wrong and [SIGHS.]
"It's perfect.
Keep going.
" I don't know what dating you looks like.
With the chair and the board and Will you be offended if I accidentally take you to an inaccessible place? And what if we break up? Am I the jerk who dumped a guy in a wheelchair? And will your brother always be around? Sorry, again.
"We can take it one date at a time, and we'll put a bell on Ray.
" [CHUCKLES.]
In that case yes.
I would love to go on a date with you.
Yes! What? I love love.
Do you have any single friends? Dylan.
I have something for you.
This is long overdue.
This looks like an even older phone.
Here.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
Press it.
[DOOR CREAKING, RATTLING.]
It's your own room.
Well, half a room.
Seriously? Yeah.
The insurance company gave us a new door, but they didn't say where we had to put it.
[SIGHS.]
I've never looked up at a ceiling before.
Just Ray's butt through a mattress.
I think I prefer this.
Listen, darling.
I'm sorry that you felt you had to be like me in order to be loved by me.
You know, I only pushed back because I didn't want to let go of what we have.
Fight again soon? It would be my pleasure.
Good.
Now get out of my room.
- [DOOR CREAKING, RATTLING.]
- Oh! Just trying it out.
Teenage girls.
We're ridiculous.
Oh! Bye, then.