Suburgatory (2011) s03e12 Episode Script

Okay, so, in case you don't remember, My ex-boyfriend, Ryan, came back, but not for me.
He moved on with his girlfriend, June.
Lisa and Malik were determined not to let the same thing happen to them.
And after a rough patch, they surprised everyone with Lisa Marie Shay Will you marry me? Yes.
And, as Maid of Honor, I had no other choice but to get with the program.
I don't think we need a program.
No program.
But I do want to discuss my walk down the aisle.
Okay, I just assumed that your parents I have something else in mind.
Did you happen to see the season 3 finale of "Game of Thrones"? - Lisa! - I walk amongst my people, greet them.
They scream my name with devotion.
I see.
And where is Malik during all this? Oh, he's there, too.
We exchange our vows as my young dragons circle overhead.
And then we exit to Malik's favorite song by Rich Homie Quan.
Look, even if we could afford newly freed Yunkish slaves and dragons and Rich Homie Quan, I just don't think that our venue is going to allow for that kind of reenactment.
Now, I want to go over the dimensions of your backyard.
- Okay.
- And the budget your mom gave me.
- Money is no object.
- I'm sorry? We are having a private conversation that doesn't include you.
- Tell her, Lisa.
- Tell me what? Tell her how I'm Queen of Honor.
Oh.
Dalia has decided to be Queen of Honor at our wedding.
And I have decided not to die on this hill.
What exactly does Queen of Honor do? She basically just, like, looks extremely pretty and is, like, very, very honored.
I see.
And the Maid of Honor cleans up after her and then checks to see if there's anything the Queen might need.
Like a clear pepsi.
Or some edamame.
Why did you agree to this? Because Dalia graciously volunteered to donate all of the china, silver, glassware, and spirits.
And also to perform "Suddenly Seymour.
" And also to perform "Suddenly Seymour.
" It's in my range.
Okay.
Okay, so, I'm thinking the groom's family will be on this side.
And the bride's family You guys will be seated over here.
Now, how many people do you think we can fit back here comfortably? Well, let's see Uh, we hosted 60 nudes last summer for our "bottom knockers" event.
Ooh.
Ouch! She said comfortably.
- It was a tight squeeze.
- Yeah, things got a little messy.
Actually, I'm not comfortable.
Tessa, it may sound saucy, but the "bottom knockers" is simply a mature group of Christian Potters who prefer to spin in the nude.
Together, we nudely celebrate our faith in the lord and our love of glazed earthenware.
Okay, so, um, no more than 40? But 40 might have been a little ambitious.
All those in favor of Malik throwing away his future to marry his 17-year-old classmate say "aye.
" Aye.
- All those opposed, say "nay.
" - Nay.
- Nay.
- Looks like the nays have it.
Nay, they don't.
Look, I'm sorry that the family doesn't approve, but Lisa and I are getting married.
The state says I'm old enough to decide for myself, and I've decided.
- The man's decided.
- Well, then so have I.
Hear that? Edmond's decided something, too.
You want to be a big man? You want to disregard the counsel of your parents? Then next year, you're on your own.
So what? So you're not gonna pay for college? - You're not gonna pay for - Any of it.
You want to play house, play house.
Get a job and support your family.
What? So, you're gonna sabotage my future just because I d Oh! You're the one sabotaging, Malik! You! Miles, sit your ass down.
Sit your ass down, Miles.
Really, no one asked you, Miles.
Fine.
No, I hope you all can live with this decision you've made because I don't intend to.
Okay.
I told you it wasn't gonna work.
- I told you! - Ah.
Hey.
I did my part.
- Do you like it? - I do.
But I don't.
It needs more tulle and and animatronic birds that sing my name.
Okay.
This here is dinner service for 40.
Just do me a solid and ask the staff not to stack the goblets.
You can ask them yourself.
Oh, I won't be in attendance.
What? You're not coming to my wedding? I'm not going to Lisa and Malik's wedding because, quite frankly, I'm a wedding jinx.
Every wedding I've ever been to has ended in divorce Including my own.
Mommy, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Marriages fail because of poor communication and poorness and sexy assistants and diminished returns and letting yourself go and GMO's and HBO and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
And Catherine Zeta-Jones' personality.
And the way she, like, thinks she's better than everyone.
- Oh.
- It has nothing to do with you.
I mean, how narcissistic can you be? Okay, so I crunched some numbers.
You "crunched some numbers"? Tessa, I can't help but feel that you're approaching this the wrong way.
Yeah, we're not preparing our tax returns.
We're preparing to make an oath of eternal and undying love.
Even so, the budget your parents gave me just isn't gonna support it.
Oh, what about my dowry chest? Have you opened it? Because I have.
And it's mostly just coupons for a free birthday cone at Friendly's.
- Now we're talking! - No, that is of no use to anyone.
Look, something's got to give.
I have an event to put on here.
People got to get fed, pictures got to get snapped, and I'm assuming you'll want people to shake their bodies in time to the music.
- That is customary, yes.
- Okay.
There's got to be music.
Okay, now, after all those invoices are paid, I'm hoping there's gonna be enough in the kitty for a bell or a whistle.
But it's probably not gonna be both.
- What "kitty"? - So I am asking you What is the single most valuable add-on I can provide to make this wedding reasonably special? Fireflies.
- As in bugs? - Lightning bugs.
They're incredibly romantic.
They're beetles.
The whole point of their bio-luminescence is to attract a mate.
I mean, that's their whole reason for living.
And that's the most important part of our wedding.
But you guys have already attracted a mate.
Oh, but we want someone to hook up at our wedding.
Yeah, if someone hooks up at your wedding, it's a good omen.
And anyone who cares about me knows that I am very superstitious when it comes to omens Good or bad.
If Lisa were to find out my parents aren't coming, she'd think it was a bad omen.
Is there any chance of your mom and dad coming around? I really don't think so.
That being said, I have a slightly awkward question to ask you.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, right.
Well, look, man, the, uh the wedding night doesn't have to be about that.
You know, you guys could just order in, watch a movie, and then when it feels right Oh, no, no.
No, no.
It's it's not that.
That, I don't need any help with.
Oh.
Good for you.
I was wondering if maybe you could walk me down the aisle.
Does the groom get walked down the aisle? What? You want me to walk alone? No.
No.
I don't want that at all.
But I got to believe your parents Listen, my parents are boycotting this wedding.
My entire family is.
- If you don't want to walk with me, it's - Are you kidding me? I absolutely want to walk with you.
Please.
I'll walk you silly.
I'll walk like an Egyptian if you want me to.
Just regular walking is fine.
Well, I got that.
So, the price you're quoting me is for the pupa? And there's no guarantee that they'll hatch before the wedding? I'm sorry.
I can't do that.
That's insane.
That's more than plated dinner service.
No deal.
But midway through French, it was still nagging at me.
- Maybe I had made the wrong choice.
- Oui.
Maybe I was supposed to gamble on the pupa.
Why did romance feel like a foreign language I was unable to speak? I was fluent in it once before.
And it was still happening all around me.
Jacob accidentally dropping his papers so he could lock eyes with Elise.
Or the way Mademoiselle Mimi looked, bathed in the afternoon sun.
And was that an accident, or was it fate? And more importantly, where did that sexy janitor come from? Apparently, love was in the air.
And I owed it to Lisa and Malik to stop thinking with my head and start thinking with my Pupa! You heard me! Give me every one you've got! The heart wants what it wants.
And in this case, it's baby beetles.
- Okay.
- Here are her dental records.
As you can see, she had a cleaning three months ago, so you should be set until summer.
Uh, this is her, uh, menses calendar.
She's on a 28-day cycle.
Uh, the red dot indicates when the curse commences.
Now, about the week before, I would, uh - Pretty much steer clear.
- Yes.
- Just stay out of her way.
- That's a wise man.
Oh! She had that stomach flu last month.
Got pretty dehydrated.
- Yeah, but we topped off all her fluids.
- Yes.
And she shouldn't be giving you any problems.
- Okay.
- Should be running smoothly.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, dad.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how that slipped out.
I usually keep my emotions buried deep within my recto-uterine pouch.
But, uh, this is very unexpected.
Fred can be emotional at times.
Me, I'm your rock.
How are your folks doing with all this? Uh, you know what? I I should get going.
It's getting late, and I still got to file all this stuff.
Malik, I can't tell you how delighted we are to welcome you into our family.
And I think I speak for all the Shay's when I say No backsies! That is exactly what I was gonna say! No backsies! Unbeknownst to the Shay's, Malik still wasn't speaking to his parents.
But with the wedding approaching, George knew he had to.
I don't know if you guys have made a decision about attending the wedding or not.
But, as someone who has spent a fair amount of time estranged from his own daughter, I can tell you, it is not worth it.
- We're worried about him, George.
- Yeah.
We're worried that he's biting off more than he can chew.
And he he probably is.
Look, marriage is is tough no matter what age you are.
But having the support of your family can help.
Why not give him every advantage? Oh, he had every advantage, George.
That child had every advantage.
Miles, not now.
Please, Miles.
Take it easy.
It's time for your bath.
Okay.
But I'm not getting my hair wet.
That's fine.
Kids and their afros.
Ah.
Don't get me started.
So, George, if Tessa decided tomorrow that she was ready to tie the knot I'd be terrified, Tracy, yes.
And I would be sick about it.
But I'll tell you one thing No one would walk her down that aisle other than me.
The stage was set French music, Fireflies that, with any luck, would hatch, Le Macaron And my ex-boyfriend, Ryan.
Seeing him standing there, it all came flooding back to me The racing heart, the sweaty palms, the feeling of magic.
And in that moment, I was fluent again! _ _ Tessa.
- What the hell was that out there? - What the hell was what? - What are you doing? - What am I doing?! - I'm on to you, bitch.
- Okay, that's not a nice thing to say.
You think I don't see what's happening? You creating this super-romantic environment For Lisa and Malik to get married in! - Looking extra cute.
- No! I always look this cute! - With that one stupid tendril.
- This? Okay.
This is not a tendril.
This is a flyaway.
Bull crap! Stop trying to French my boyfriend 'cause it ain't gonna happen.
Only one of us is leaving here alone tonight, and that's you.
June was right.
It wasn't appropriate.
Ryan was her boyfriend now not mine.
And it was time to let go.
Lisa? No.
Don't come in! It's bad luck for us to see each other.
I don't believe in bad luck.
Wow.
I'm glad I came in.
- You look beautiful.
- Oh.
So do you.
Well, it's time to get started.
We can't get started.
Your family isn't here.
You're wrong.
My family is here.
Right here.
But where are your mom and dad? It, um it doesn't look like they're coming.
And, look, before you say it's a bad omen.
It's it's it's not.
It just means that it's you and me now.
Forever and always.
But I already knew that.
Hey, oh, sorry.
You ready, buddy? - You know it.
- All right.
I said we weren't gonna do that.
- You look dapper, Mr.
Shay.
- Oh.
- Mwah! - Thank you.
Oh, there she is.
Lisa, what's wrong? Malik's parents aren't coming.
They aren't coming to the wedding.
I guess they don't want me to be in their family.
What?! Fred, let me handle this.
Let me tell you something, young lady.
If those people don't realize that you are the sweetest, kindest, most loving wife that their son could ever hope for, then screw 'em, Lisa.
Sincerely, screw 'em.
Because Malik landed in the tall grass.
And that's the truth.
Mom, thanks.
Sheila Shay wasn't the only one to prove that sometimes your parents can surprise you.
Dad? You didn't think I was gonna let some other man walk my son down the aisle.
Thanks.
You're still not getting the money next year.
Oh, Edmond, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, please stand for the bride.
I knew Lisa was crazy about Malik, and she proved it.
When she walked down the aisle to Rich Homie Quan.
Hey.
Hey.
I didn't know where you wanted me.
How about right there? In the audience? People aren't gonna be able to see me there.
I think that's okay.
Friends, family, Lisa, Malik, welcome.
Tonight we come together to witness the commitment of Lisa Shay and Malik Lefrique.
Wait.
Your last name's Lefrique? Okay.
Hey.
Shh.
Lisa, do you take Malik to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
Malik, do you take Lisa to be your wife? I do.
And within moments, it was over.
Lisa and Malik were married.
And it was perfect.
By the power vested in me by New York state and the firm of Lansky, Lansky & Schulman, - I now pronounce you - Wait! I have something really important I need to say.
A speech? I lost my glasses, you guys.
I seriously lost my glasses.
If you could all look around you or under your seat.
I wouldn't make such a big deal, - but they're prescription sunglasses.
- Oh! Prescription.
Yeah.
And I seriously, seriously need them, you guys.
Okay, you can finish.
Husband and wife! Mazel tov! We did it.
We got it.
Yeah, Malik! Yeah! Most romantic night ever, Tessa.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
I hoped it would be.
What? Don't tell June, but I was secretly hoping it would be you and Ryan that hooked up at our wedding.
Well, sorry to disappoint you, but that's not going to happen.
No.
But a girl can dream.
I love you, Tessa.
Love you.
- Go.
- Okay.
Tess? Hey! You okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
I was actually just gonna go get some, um I was actually gonna go get an ice bucket.
Could you maybe get me one from across the street? Yeah, sure.
- Hello? - Hello? Dallas? That was a beautiful wedding.
I I wondered where you were.
I didn't want to jinx it.
I'm bad luck at weddings.
Okay, that is ridiculous.
It isn't! It's true.
Well, you you look very nice.
Oh! Thank you.
Wait, you dressed this nicely to hide in the bushes? You know I did.
I can't believe how superstitious everyone in Chatswin is.
I hear Lisa thinks if two people don't hook up at her wedding, the entire marriage will be jinxed.
Now, that's ridiculous.
- That's what I said! - That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
We're both saying the same thing.