Teachers (2016) s03e12 Episode Script

1 - [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Are you a school teacher? Do you like to take your top off? Have you ever been called "shameful"? Then you need to be in the cast of the hot new reality show "Shameful Teacher" where you'll live in a condo, get shamed, scream at other women, ugly cry, and find love? If you're someone who's practically a prostitute but still teaches, apply now for "Shameful Teacher.
" Chelsea! I know.
It's an amazing opportunity.
And it films in Skokie.
This is a sign.
It's my moment.
To what, contract Hep C by using another woman's razor? - Can that happen? - I support you, Chelsea.
I'm reading this book, "There's a New You Screaming To Come Out," and it says goals are an excellent way to maintain focus on what really want in life.
Have you set goals for yourself? Yes, I have three.
My personal goal is to get a loan so I can buy a condo.
My health goal is to workout three times a week.
You know, endorphins to battle the darkness inside.
And my career goal is to win the science fair.
But a teacher can't win the science fair.
I claim all my students' success as my own.
Don't judge me.
I need a win.
In three short weeks, I will finally be living - a worthwhile life.
- In three short weeks, I will be banging a hottie in the Shameful suite on semi-national TV! [SQUEALS.]
Goal twins! Yes! Okay, everyone, Ms.
Snap is running late to Selena Gomez's live Insta Story.
[SIGHS.]
Jeremy! Get out of my way! - What is the - [BOTH GASP.]
- Jeez, you just ran me.
- Sorry, I didn't see you.
[SIGHS.]
[CHARMING MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, I'm Chelsea.
What? Sorry, I was running and I tripped over my big dumb feet.
I mean, small feet.
I don't have big feet.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, they're like kinda big.
I don't know, I wear a ladies size 11.
What do you think? Wow, I have no idea why I'm telling you all of this.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm great.
- [BOOKS SHUFFLING.]
- I think these are mine.
- Uh, yeah.
It's an adult glove, you moron.
[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY.]
Right.
Well, see ya.
Wait.
You know, I was thinking.
Would you ever want to hang out sometime? I mean, for me to babysit.
- Sure.
- Great.
It's a date.
[GIGGLES.]
Psycho.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of our class.
Meet Alyssa.
- Hello, I'm Alyssa.
- Isn't that wild? I thought it'd be a fun way to introduce technology into the classroom, and she can do everything.
She knows my voice, every Jars of Clay song, and prepare to really have your socks knocked off.
Alyssa, tell us a joke.
Why was the donkey's check refused at the grocery store? I don't know.
Why? Because "he-haw-ways" writes bad checks.
[LAUGHING.]
Do the math, people! [LAUGHS.]
Hello oh, Nolan.
I'm Caroline Watson, and I'm here to get a loan because I'm going to buy a [SINGSONGY.]
condo! I've been on Zillow nonstop in anticipation.
Well, let's pull up your account.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING, STOPS.]
Hm.
According to this, you only have $450 saved, and I don't know how to put this, but your credit score is pathetic.
Hm, I guess I did know how to put it.
Okay, I know I may not have money right now, but look at me.
I've got rich face.
Yeah, it doesn't work like that.
- We can't give you a loan.
- All right, listen.
My sorority sisters all have houses and are married with kids, and I can't get anymore Christmas cards that these assholes in horizontal stripes always send, you got me? Now fork over the loan, Nolan! I'm gonna need security, please.
Chelsea, are you image searching babies? You can't wear baby clothes as a bikini again this summer.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've been having feelings.
Like, kid feelings.
Then I feel compelled to say that, legally, you should not be in an elementary school.
Not like that, dumbass.
Every time I see Hagatha my uterus skips a beat.
I don't even care that her thighs touch.
And I've started to think the kids in my class are actually cute.
- Who am I? - A woman in her 30s.
This is what happens when your friends start popping them out.
Have you ever thought about having kids? Not really.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Well if you do want kids, you should decide - sooner rather than later.
- She's right.
At 37, fertility declines, and the womb becomes an inhospitable environment.
So I have five years to decide? I have been a teacher for ten years and I'm still not sure it's for me.
- It's not.
- [GASPS.]
Sorry to interrupt but Mavis asked me to drop this off.
Oh, for me? I wonder who it's from.
Maybe it's from Hot Dad.
I mean, regular dad.
"Hot" is what you guys call him, not me.
Y-you know who I'm talking about.
Just open the box.
Huh.
Yesterday I said I wished I had a three-hold punch, but I didn't order one.
Um, it's probably your Alyssa.
They listen to you.
Alyssa, did you order a three-hole punch? Yes, and I saw that you were looking at the book, "Your Virginity: What to Expect When You Finally Lose It.
" Would you like me to order that as well? I am sorry to say, but Gertie's personal hygiene did factor into her grades.
She takes a bath every night.
I don't know what to tell ya.
She smells.
Before you go, would you mind answering a few questions for me? I'm compiling research.
You know, to be a better teacher, and I was wondering, do you think your kid - was worth it? - What? Do you ever look at Candace and think to yourself, "Why am I taking this brat to ballet when I could be drunk at brunch?" Have you ever thought that woman in China had it right and you two were suckers for adopting? When you realized Sam's head was too big for his body did you want a do-over? Do you ever wish Jerry hadn't been born? [MUSIC STOP ABRUPTLY.]
I guess that's a "no.
" Wow.
That says a lot about motherhood because Jerry is a nightmare.
Everybody, shut up! After exhaustive research, I have discovered that most parents find their lives more fulfilling after having children.
Are you gonna have a baby? You're not even married.
That's okay.
I'll help you.
Two women and a baby.
I'll be Steve Guttenberg.
No, Mary Louise, I am not ready for kids now, but I might want them someday, so I have decided to freeze my eggs.
- That's so brave.
- Isn't that kind of drastic? Drastic or empowering? Freezing my eggs gives me options in the future.
If Maria Menounos, Olivia Munn, and Sofia Vergara can do it, - so can I.
- Wow.
No mention of a Kardashian.
You really are growing, Chelsea.
Thank you.
And none of the Kardashians have frozen their eggs.
Read the internet, Deb.
This is a great option for someone your age, and all your bloodwork looks good.
[GASPS.]
Did you heard that? My blood is looking "fo-ine.
" I'd like to walk you through the steps so you know what to expect.
The whole process can take about three weeks.
Okay, okay.
- It includes shots.
- Shot, shot, shot! No, injections.
You'll have to administer them to yourself every day.
You'll also need to come in for vaginal ultrasounds.
- Huh? - Possible side effects from the medication include headaches, cramping, nausea, bloating, and there's always a chance of it not working.
- Say what? - Well, unfortunately, we can't guarantee how your body will react.
So I can't just take a pill and push out an egg? You're not a hen.
So no.
It's a commitment.
Much like having a child would be.
Thank you, Dr.
Meier.
I am hundo-p ready to do this.
Speaking of, how many hundos will this cost? - 120 hundos.
- $12,000? And it's not covered by insurance.
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
[BRAZILIAN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
You didn't get the condo, but this workout is yours.
Be the goal, do the goal, become the goal.
- I'm on top of the world! - Casa bonita - [YELPS.]
- Oh! Sorry! I heard Brazilian dance music, and I got excited.
[GROANS.]
To make a geode, you mix hot water with Epsom salt.
How much Epsom salt do I mix in? Uh, let me check.
Mix 1 1/4 cup of hot water with 1 1/4 cup of Epsom salt - then stir.
- Oh, thank you, Alyssa.
Add some food coloring - if you desire.
- I know, Alyssa.
Place the egg shells in your container.
I was gonna say that, Alyssa, so thank you.
I got it.
- After that pour your - Alyssa! - solution into the eggshell.
- I said I got it! [WHIMPERS.]
The procedure is insanely expensive, and it might not even work.
Now my only options are to settle down with some loser, adopt, or deprive the world of my spawn.
Why is this something only rich women get to do quietly? Chelsea, this is the most responsible thing I've ever seen you try to do.
I refuse to let it end because you can't afford it.
Okay, people, we are going to contact every sorority sister, former stepdad, and tanning salon esthetician to get donations.
If Chelsea ever gave somebody a baby gift, bought them a shot, or held their hair back when they puked, she's calling in the favor.
I see here that Chelsea paid for an unflattering bridesmaids dress and threw you bachelorette parties in Nashville and Vegas, so we're gonna be looking at about a $500 donation today.
You were married to Chelsea's mom for nine months in 2003 during which time she had to live on a house boat - Have you ever heard of Venmo? - Karen, you got married in Ireland and had baby showers on two different continents.
That was bullshit.
Now give us your damn money! Okay, everybody, I've had a few setbacks achieving some of my other goals, so my dignity and will to live now hangs solely on one of you winning the science fair.
So, what do you got? I brought in my hamster, Demetri.
For the last time, people, just owning a pet is not an experiment.
But Demetri has really big balls.
Logan, we do not say "balls.
" [GASPS.]
[CAPTIVATING MUSIC.]
Oh, my God, [WHISPERS.]
Those are the biggest balls I've ever seen.
Okay, I can work with this.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
I can't believe we raised enough money.
I'm actually freezing my eggs.
I know.
I'm so excited.
I already created a list of possible names.
Again, you don't name eggs.
You name babies.
This is the problem with you Christians.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you for helping me, girl.
This process is hella complicated.
I need someone next to me so I don't mess up the medication.
Plus, you have to give me the shot.
Let's get started.
Pull down your pants, [SINGSONGY.]
and your unders too.
Mary Louise.
The shot goes in my stomach, not my butt.
- Oh.
- Moving on.
For the first week, we will mix 1 milliliter of sodium chloride with two vials of Menotropins, then inject 5 milliliters of follitropin alfa at exactly 7:00 p.
m.
each night, then after four days start 3 milliliters of ganirelix acetate and take the Menotropins that you mixed with the sodium chloride up 2 milliliters.
- Uh-huh.
- Got it.
So I mix 2 milliliters of soda-cola - and 1 vial of menopause - Forget it.
Neither of those were right.
I'll start with the follitropin alfa.
Wipe the injection site with an alcohol pad.
Tap out the air bubbles, and then inject.
And [SCREAMS.]
What are you doing? I thought it would hurt less if I surprised you.
You didn't tap out the air bubbles.
Oh, no, no, no! Oh, my God.
I feel an air bubble moving up my body.
- It is moving towards my brain.
- It is? Yes, it is moving up my chest! This is all my fault! I've killed you.
I'm gonna inject my stomach with air bubbles too.
I don't want to live in a world without you.
[BELCHES.]
Oh, never mind.
I feel fine.
Whew.
[SINGSONGY.]
Which one do we wanna do next? Okay, I bounced this idea off of several teachers, and I've got our science project.
Do adolescent hamster testicles predict adult hamster size? How are we going to do that? Each day we will measure Demetri.
If the torso and tail continue to grow while the testicles remain the same size, then that would suggest that the hamster grows into his testicles, like puppy paws.
Now start measuring.
- Ms.
Watson.
- Hm? May I have a word with you? I heard about your science project and how you're turning large testies into a sideshow.
He's a hamster, Toby.
I don't think he cares.
As someone who can relate to Demetri's predicament, I don't think his large testicles should be mocked.
I'm not mocking anything.
I'm conducting what will be an award-winning experiment.
Extremes in nature can be fascinating.
You know, when they're not slapping against your thighs.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[GRUNTING.]
[PANTING.]
Okay.
[MUTTERING.]
Come on.
Come [GRUNTS.]
Are you pregnant? No, Gus.
It's a side effect.
- So, you're just fat now? - [GASPS.]
[PHONE BUZZES, PLAYS DANCE SONG.]
Snap out of my life, boy, snap out of my Hello? Yes, I applied to be on "Shameful Teacher.
" [SHRIEKS.]
I got it? Are you kidding me? Ah! School is cancelled for life.
Ms.
Snap just got on TV, my babies! I'm gonna be so famous and I'm never gonna remember any of you.
Ah! What show you gonna be on? "My 600-lb Life"? Oh, no.
Ooh, I have a question.
Alyssa, what's the world's largest geode? The world's largest geode is Crystal Cave.
- Ow! - Carla, are you okay? I cut myself with the scissors.
Don't worry.
It's okay.
Keep the wound clean as severe infections - can become life-threatening.
- What? Am I gonna have an infection? No.
It's a minor cut, Alyssa.
Untreated, bacteria can get into your bloodstream and vital organs can shut down.
[WHIMPERS.]
Stop it, Alyssa.
You're scaring her.
Should an infection lead to gangrene - amputation is - Alyssa! [CLATTERING.]
Sorry, Carla.
We definitely don't have to amputate.
We'll just get you all cleaned up and put a fun bandage on it.
- How does that sound? - Pretty good.
[SNIFFLES.]
I guess Alyssa can't do everything.
No, she can't.
[SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
There's free Malibu in every room.
[GASPS, LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
Oh.
This is everything I've ever wanted.
Mmm.
Hi.
Chelsea Snap, reporting for "booty.
" I just want to say I am so honored to be here.
This has been my dream ever since I watched "The Joe Schmo Show.
" Are you pregnant? This is perfect.
It'll get the viewers all riled up.
Uh, no, I'm not pregnant.
You don't have to convince me.
I don't care if you drink.
Oh, I can't mix with my meds right now.
Yeah, me neither, but we're gonna need you to drink in the evening, you know, inhibitions.
Also, bikini only after 9:00 a.
m.
What about a sheer poolside cover up? No.
Here.
Just fill this out.
Just says you're gonna be available 24/7 for the next three weeks.
Sure.
Oh, I do have one thing.
I have this procedure scheduled.
I just need to sneak out for a couple of hours on Tuesday.
Sweetheart, there's no exceptions, okay? You have to be available to film the whole time or you're out.
You gonna sign or what? [MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Cheers [LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Mmm, yum.
You know what, I think I'm good.
This looks like an incredible opportunity and I have always wanted to be in a nipple clamp challenge, but my priorities are different now.
I'm in the middle of freezing my eggs and I don't want to let alcohol or trashy women, whom I'm sure would become lifelong friends, ruin that for me.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to choose maybe motherhood over fame.
- Thank you for your time.
- Okay.
We're gonna need another deluded, old psycho, stat.
Let me guess.
- You're in Ms.
Bennigan's class.
- Yeah.
Interesting area to explore, but we have to deduct points for aggression.
It's okay, Logan.
We got this.
You and I are going to accomplish our goals.
This wasn't my goal.
Here they come.
Be professional.
Hello.
Thank you for coming to our booth.
This is Logan and his hamster, Demetri.
- He has very large testicles.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm talking about the hamster, - not the child.
- Those are not testicles.
They're tumors.
- How do you know? - Because I'm a veterinarian - and that is a female hamster.
- No.
Sorry, Caroline.
Unless it's a cure, cancer disqualifies you.
No! I need this.
Are you sure they're not balls? How could they not be balls? [GROANS.]
I can't believe I gave up my career for my maybe future baby.
He/she better be grateful.
I know this must be hard, but you did the right thing.
Are you sure you should be eating the science fair project? I think we found our winner! Follicle Stimulating Hormone and Its Relationship to Excessive Weight Gain.
- Congratulations, Gus.
- I did it! I won the science fair! - [LAUGHS.]
- No, you didn't.
Gus did.
Yeah, and I helped you raise the money to freeze your eggs, which made you bloated which inspired Gus to the project, so I win! [LAUGHS.]
I achieved one of my goals! [LAUGHS.]
I win, I win, I win, I win! - We're here for you, Chelsea.
- Yeah, we love you more than anyone in the whole wide world.
Well, not all of us, but good luck, girl.
Dr.
Meier, if you want to suck out some of the fat while you're down there, go for it.
That's illegal, so no.
Oh, dear Lord, please give me my pre-freezing-eggs body back.
We'll be right here waiting for you when you get out.
ALL: Bye.
- Ms.
Snap, wait! - Gus? What are you doing here? - Follow-up research.
I need a picture of your stomach at its fattest point if I have any chance of going to state.
Get me out of here! God, I hate children! La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la I'm gonna teach ya La-la-la-la-la Give what you need ah La-la-la-la-la Said I'm gonna teach ya [SNORING.]