That '70s Show s03e12 Episode Script
Fez Gets the Girl
- Where's the tunes, Forman? - Hang on, you guys.
Just one more wire here.
I learned how to speak English faster than this.
Fez, it's not real English when you speak it with a foreign accent.
Geez.
[Radio: Loud Rock.]
Aren't these the coolest? I can't hear you.
I know.
They're the greatest speakers ever.
Eric! [StoPs.]
Oh.
Hey, Dad.
Sorry.
Didn't see you there.
Well, I guess that's 'cause you were too busy making an ass of yourself.
Uh, actually I was trying out my new speakers.
What do you think? New speakers? What was wrong with the old ones? Those were genuine G.
M.
Parts.
Uh- [Clicks Tongue.]
These are louder.
Well, just keep your monkey music turned down.
Go grab your smock.
We gotta go to work.
[Bob.]
Hey, Red.
Is that you? Oh, cripes.
[Resumes.]
Hiya, neighbor.
Can't hear ya, Bob.
I'm testin' out Eric's new speakers.
[StoPs.]
Not bad.
Hangin'out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you We're all all right We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin.
! Boy, quite a day at Price Mart, Kitty.
First, the price of lightbulbs dropped two cents then Eric was made employee of the month and to top it off, they added Cheez-Its to the vending machine.
Are you serious? Yep.
Tiny little squares with the cheese flavor baked right in 'em.
Am I really the Mart employee of the month? - You sure are.
- Yea! And they even decided to throw in a extra 25 cents an hour.
Oh, yes.
I gotta admit, Eric.
I had my doubts, but, uh- Hell, you've hardly embarrassed me.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, this is great.
Whoo.
Price Mart rocks.
Oh, Laurie, tell everyone your good news.
I just finished my first two weeks of cosmetology school.
And she didn't flunk out.
Isn't that great? That is great, honey.
Nice job.
Thanks, Daddy.
Yeah, but the next exam's gonna kill me.
We're not allowed to practice on dummies anymore.
And I have to style a real person's hair.
Oh, honey, you'll do fine.
We're all here to support you.
Great.
So, you don't mind being my model? Me? Oh, honey, no, no.
L- I go to the beauty parlor.
Okay, well- Well, maybe Eric can helP out.
Oh, sure.
Laurie, first of all, always run with scissors.
Boy, I never get tired of your sarcasm.
- Really? - [Clears Throat.]
Sorry.
Red, would you like to be a hair model? Kitty, I would like to have hair, period.
But I don't, so no.
Oh, forget it.
I don't even know why I picked this stupid career.
Maybe it's because you're stupid? Laurie, no.
You quit everything.
You are not quitting cosmetology school.
Well, what am I supposed to do? I will be your model.
But you just remember: Men have their cars.
Women have their hair.
It's like a car.
It's valuable.
[Chuckles.]
So, not only are they gonna hang my picture in the front of the store but I also get to represent our entire district in the national Price Mart Olympics.
That's nice.
Do you think I would choke to death if I swallowed my straw? No, it's got a breathing hole.
- Fez, no! - Fez, no! Oh, my God.
There she is.
- [Kelso.]
Who's that? - [Fez.]
The new girl, Caroline.
She transferred here from Sacred Heart.
Or heaven.
I'm not sure which.
We have gym together.
She barely sweats.
Someday, I will make her my bride.
Yep, no one likes a sweaty bride.
- Yeah, I hear you.
- So true.
- Hey.
Why don't you go talk to her, man? - [Mutters.]
[Mouths Words.]
You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Thank you.
Your cocoa-brown skin makes me hot.
I know.
I am irresistible.
Would you like to dance? Hey.
Why don't you go talk to her, man? Oh, I don't know, Hyde.
I can't.
I don't understand this.
Usually I am- I am suave.
I am silky.
But this girl makes me- I have to go to the bathroom.
Anyway, getting back to Price Mart- - [Both.]
Shut up! - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
You guys are never gonna believe this.
- Wait, no.
Me first.
- Okay, go.
Okay.
I, Eric Forman your boyfriend am Price Mart's newest employee of the month.
Eric, that's great.
Are you done? Well, yeah.
Top that, cupcake.
Okay.
I just won two tickets to the Led Zeppelin concert.
I was caller number seven, and I won, and we're goin' to Zeppelin on Tuesday night.
[Chortling.]
All right! She said two tickets, not four, ya moron.
We're not goin'.
Oh, my God, no.
Did you say Tuesday night? L- I can't go Tuesday night.
It's inventory night.
It's mandatory.
Skip it, Eric.
You love Zeppelin.
Call in sick.
Tell them your grandma died.
Burn down the store.
- You're right.
You know what? I'm going.
- [Snaps Fingers.]
[Sighs.]
I can't go.
- Then who am I gonna take? - No, Donna- - You shut your filthy mouth! - Donna, seriously- - I'm practically his brother.
- I've been his friend way longer! Hey, you know what? I am going.
Ah, crap.
- Still friends? - Till death.
[Sighs.]
I can't go.
- I'm in! Shut up! - Get killed! Uh- Eric, are you sure you can't come? Yeah, I can't.
You know.
Everyone has to work.
No exceptions.
Plus, Red and I? We're both kinda supervising.
- Mmm.
- Corporate America claims another victim.
Eric, it's okay.
I knew you weren't gonna go.
You're a really responsible guy.
[Clicks Tongue.]
I love and hate that about you.
Well, since, uh- Since Mr.
Smock here is being all logical I guess I'll have to take one of you losers.
- Take a loser where? - Zeppelin.
Zeppelin? Oh, my God.
That's a band, right? Donna.
[Chuckles.]
In the ninth grade, I did an oral report on "Stairway to Heaven," and I got a B-plus.
You gotta take me.
Donna, in the ninth grade, I wasn't a dork and I didn't write a report on "Stairway to Heaven.
" And you gotta take me.
God! She doesn't wanna take either one of you, 'cause she's taking me.
Donna, M-E, me! Okay, you know what? I'm going.
[Sighs.]
I can't.
- You hate it, don't you? - No, no.
It's interesting.
I mean, just- Just look at all this body.
I must- I bet I'm- I'm like- I'm four inches taller.
I never should've gotten into this.
I'm not good at anything.
No, no, no.
- I like it, Laurie.
- Really? Thanks, Mom.
Now all you need is a cut.
No, no.
No, no.
No.
Length- Length is good.
Length is good.
Drop 'em.
Oh, hey, did you see this? They gave me a Price Mart key chain.
It's got a knife and everything.
Yeah, I keep it in my pocket.
Some of the other guys get jealous.
Look, Eric, I know you're very excited about your raise and everything but I don't want you to get too caught up in this.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'm not about to alienate my fellow employees with my award-winning work ethic.
I read the signs in the break room.
There's no "l" in teamwork.
Here's your check, sir, and thank you for eating at Smiley's.
Ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.
You know what, Dad? I got this.
Take your hand off the check.
I'll come back.
Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway? You hate Led Zeppelin.
I never said I hated them, Michael.
For your information, I think Led is hot.
- Fez, is that her? - Yes.
I wish I could go talk to her, but I get so nervous.
Fez, you shouldn't be nervous.
You're awesome.
What girl wouldn't wanna be with you? Well, there is Jackie, Laurie this girl from gym, another girl from chemistry uh, country-western star Tanya Tucker who does not answer her letters.
- Um- - Okay, stop.
Whatever happened to suave, silky Fez? You're right.
I forgot about him.
He's hot.
Exactly.
So- Go get her, Fez.
[Clears Throat.]
Caroline? It is Fez.
May I sit? Okay, thank you.
Great idea, Donna.
Well, excuse me for trying to buy a coworker lunch.
I am not your coworker.
You're a high school kid with a part-time job.
You're temporary.
Uh-oh.
You know what ends fights? Pudding.
Just give me seven minutes.
Eric, you gotta stop acting like a big shot.
You're not the king of the world, you know.
I'm employee of the month.
I don't have to take this.
This is no good, Kitty.
- What are you gonna do, Red? He's growing up.
- No, I mean your hair.
Hey there, Harpo.
Where's your horn? [Chortles.]
Bob, are you making fun of my hair? No.
- [All.]
Take me.
- No.
- [All.]
Take me.
- No.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You're Donna, right? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
- I'm Caroline.
I think we have Spanish together.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi.
Hola.
! [Sighs.]
Um, you know that foreign guy you're always hanging out with? - Fez? - Mmm, yeah.
Fez.
Um, is- Is he- Does he- Oh, my God.
You like Fez? - Oh, my God.
Come on.
I'll introduce you to him.
- Oh, no, no, no.
That's okay.
I just wanted to- I gotta go use the baño.
[ThumPing.]
StuPid, stuPid, stuPid.
! What's goin' on? Cosmetology is too hard.
I'm quitting.
Laurie, don't you think I wanted to quit nursing school a hundred times? The first time I put in a catheter, it broke off.
But what if I don't get any better? Well, you will never know unless you stick with it.
- Oh, what do you care? - I care because I'm your mother.
So, I care.
Well, we do start doing nails next week.
That might be fun.
And I happen to know a few patients down at the hospital who would love a manicure.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Uh-huh.
Yep.
It's- It's- It's just gonna perk 'em right up when they come out of their comas.
[Clears Throat.]
Hey, Dad.
Good news.
Just got another raise.
Well, good for you, you dumb bastard.
Yeah, I tell ya.
If they keep throwin' money at me like this I might be able to get my own apartment soon.
For God's sakes, you're 57 years old.
- Ah.
- Eric, why didn't you listen to me? If you'd gone to college, you could've really been something.
Been something? Whoa.
You're talkin' to the interim assistant weekend manager of housewares here, okay? Yeah.
Show some respect.
Well aren't you just the president ofTurd Town? [Groans.]
Dad.
I've been thinkin' about why you went so crazy and yelled at me and I've come to the conclusion that you're crazy and you like to yell at me.
There's somethin' you gotta know.
You're-Well-You're an idiot.
Oh, great.
A pep talk.
Look, sit down.
When I was your age, I thought I had it all too.
Great job at the plant, nice steady paycheck- Just enough to, you know, string me along for 30 years or so.
And for what? So they could toss me out on my ass when things got tough.
- Dad, I'm not gonna- - Look, don't get me wrong.
I admire your work ethic.
But you deserve better than Price Mart.
You're a smart guy.
And I'm, uh- I'm proud of you.
Whoa.
Really? - You-You think I'm smart? You're proud of me? - Oh, geez.
What, you gonna ruin this now by talking? Listen, Dad.
If I'm still workin' at Price Mart when I'm your- older please kill me.
- You don't have to ask twice, Son.
- Oh, that's- - That's my dad.
- Come on.
Let's go make fun of your mom's hair.
- Jerk.
- Wench.
- Tool.
- Dill-hole.
- Moron.
- Moron.
I already said moron.
Moron.
[Stammering.]
Don't touch.
Those are for Donna.
- Kelso, Donna doesn't want a bunch of dirty cookies.
- They're not dirty.
They are now.
Hyde, you're dead.
Oh, my God.
Donna, where have you been? The concert starts in an hour.
I'm ready to go.
Let's go.
The concert? Oh, right.
The concert.
Well, you guys were so busy fighting over the tickets, I forgot to tell you.
I gave them away.
- What? - No! - To who? [Rock.]
[Slow Rock.]
See? Your cuticles look better already.
Proper nail care is one of the easiest things to overlook.
Uh-huh.
Real good.
Oh, gosh, Daddy.
I didn't know you were a bleeder.
I'm not.
Um, could you apply some pressure to this while I go get some paper towels?
Just one more wire here.
I learned how to speak English faster than this.
Fez, it's not real English when you speak it with a foreign accent.
Geez.
[Radio: Loud Rock.]
Aren't these the coolest? I can't hear you.
I know.
They're the greatest speakers ever.
Eric! [StoPs.]
Oh.
Hey, Dad.
Sorry.
Didn't see you there.
Well, I guess that's 'cause you were too busy making an ass of yourself.
Uh, actually I was trying out my new speakers.
What do you think? New speakers? What was wrong with the old ones? Those were genuine G.
M.
Parts.
Uh- [Clicks Tongue.]
These are louder.
Well, just keep your monkey music turned down.
Go grab your smock.
We gotta go to work.
[Bob.]
Hey, Red.
Is that you? Oh, cripes.
[Resumes.]
Hiya, neighbor.
Can't hear ya, Bob.
I'm testin' out Eric's new speakers.
[StoPs.]
Not bad.
Hangin'out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you We're all all right We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin.
! Boy, quite a day at Price Mart, Kitty.
First, the price of lightbulbs dropped two cents then Eric was made employee of the month and to top it off, they added Cheez-Its to the vending machine.
Are you serious? Yep.
Tiny little squares with the cheese flavor baked right in 'em.
Am I really the Mart employee of the month? - You sure are.
- Yea! And they even decided to throw in a extra 25 cents an hour.
Oh, yes.
I gotta admit, Eric.
I had my doubts, but, uh- Hell, you've hardly embarrassed me.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, this is great.
Whoo.
Price Mart rocks.
Oh, Laurie, tell everyone your good news.
I just finished my first two weeks of cosmetology school.
And she didn't flunk out.
Isn't that great? That is great, honey.
Nice job.
Thanks, Daddy.
Yeah, but the next exam's gonna kill me.
We're not allowed to practice on dummies anymore.
And I have to style a real person's hair.
Oh, honey, you'll do fine.
We're all here to support you.
Great.
So, you don't mind being my model? Me? Oh, honey, no, no.
L- I go to the beauty parlor.
Okay, well- Well, maybe Eric can helP out.
Oh, sure.
Laurie, first of all, always run with scissors.
Boy, I never get tired of your sarcasm.
- Really? - [Clears Throat.]
Sorry.
Red, would you like to be a hair model? Kitty, I would like to have hair, period.
But I don't, so no.
Oh, forget it.
I don't even know why I picked this stupid career.
Maybe it's because you're stupid? Laurie, no.
You quit everything.
You are not quitting cosmetology school.
Well, what am I supposed to do? I will be your model.
But you just remember: Men have their cars.
Women have their hair.
It's like a car.
It's valuable.
[Chuckles.]
So, not only are they gonna hang my picture in the front of the store but I also get to represent our entire district in the national Price Mart Olympics.
That's nice.
Do you think I would choke to death if I swallowed my straw? No, it's got a breathing hole.
- Fez, no! - Fez, no! Oh, my God.
There she is.
- [Kelso.]
Who's that? - [Fez.]
The new girl, Caroline.
She transferred here from Sacred Heart.
Or heaven.
I'm not sure which.
We have gym together.
She barely sweats.
Someday, I will make her my bride.
Yep, no one likes a sweaty bride.
- Yeah, I hear you.
- So true.
- Hey.
Why don't you go talk to her, man? - [Mutters.]
[Mouths Words.]
You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Thank you.
Your cocoa-brown skin makes me hot.
I know.
I am irresistible.
Would you like to dance? Hey.
Why don't you go talk to her, man? Oh, I don't know, Hyde.
I can't.
I don't understand this.
Usually I am- I am suave.
I am silky.
But this girl makes me- I have to go to the bathroom.
Anyway, getting back to Price Mart- - [Both.]
Shut up! - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
You guys are never gonna believe this.
- Wait, no.
Me first.
- Okay, go.
Okay.
I, Eric Forman your boyfriend am Price Mart's newest employee of the month.
Eric, that's great.
Are you done? Well, yeah.
Top that, cupcake.
Okay.
I just won two tickets to the Led Zeppelin concert.
I was caller number seven, and I won, and we're goin' to Zeppelin on Tuesday night.
[Chortling.]
All right! She said two tickets, not four, ya moron.
We're not goin'.
Oh, my God, no.
Did you say Tuesday night? L- I can't go Tuesday night.
It's inventory night.
It's mandatory.
Skip it, Eric.
You love Zeppelin.
Call in sick.
Tell them your grandma died.
Burn down the store.
- You're right.
You know what? I'm going.
- [Snaps Fingers.]
[Sighs.]
I can't go.
- Then who am I gonna take? - No, Donna- - You shut your filthy mouth! - Donna, seriously- - I'm practically his brother.
- I've been his friend way longer! Hey, you know what? I am going.
Ah, crap.
- Still friends? - Till death.
[Sighs.]
I can't go.
- I'm in! Shut up! - Get killed! Uh- Eric, are you sure you can't come? Yeah, I can't.
You know.
Everyone has to work.
No exceptions.
Plus, Red and I? We're both kinda supervising.
- Mmm.
- Corporate America claims another victim.
Eric, it's okay.
I knew you weren't gonna go.
You're a really responsible guy.
[Clicks Tongue.]
I love and hate that about you.
Well, since, uh- Since Mr.
Smock here is being all logical I guess I'll have to take one of you losers.
- Take a loser where? - Zeppelin.
Zeppelin? Oh, my God.
That's a band, right? Donna.
[Chuckles.]
In the ninth grade, I did an oral report on "Stairway to Heaven," and I got a B-plus.
You gotta take me.
Donna, in the ninth grade, I wasn't a dork and I didn't write a report on "Stairway to Heaven.
" And you gotta take me.
God! She doesn't wanna take either one of you, 'cause she's taking me.
Donna, M-E, me! Okay, you know what? I'm going.
[Sighs.]
I can't.
- You hate it, don't you? - No, no.
It's interesting.
I mean, just- Just look at all this body.
I must- I bet I'm- I'm like- I'm four inches taller.
I never should've gotten into this.
I'm not good at anything.
No, no, no.
- I like it, Laurie.
- Really? Thanks, Mom.
Now all you need is a cut.
No, no.
No, no.
No.
Length- Length is good.
Length is good.
Drop 'em.
Oh, hey, did you see this? They gave me a Price Mart key chain.
It's got a knife and everything.
Yeah, I keep it in my pocket.
Some of the other guys get jealous.
Look, Eric, I know you're very excited about your raise and everything but I don't want you to get too caught up in this.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'm not about to alienate my fellow employees with my award-winning work ethic.
I read the signs in the break room.
There's no "l" in teamwork.
Here's your check, sir, and thank you for eating at Smiley's.
Ha, ha, ha.
Very funny.
You know what, Dad? I got this.
Take your hand off the check.
I'll come back.
Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway? You hate Led Zeppelin.
I never said I hated them, Michael.
For your information, I think Led is hot.
- Fez, is that her? - Yes.
I wish I could go talk to her, but I get so nervous.
Fez, you shouldn't be nervous.
You're awesome.
What girl wouldn't wanna be with you? Well, there is Jackie, Laurie this girl from gym, another girl from chemistry uh, country-western star Tanya Tucker who does not answer her letters.
- Um- - Okay, stop.
Whatever happened to suave, silky Fez? You're right.
I forgot about him.
He's hot.
Exactly.
So- Go get her, Fez.
[Clears Throat.]
Caroline? It is Fez.
May I sit? Okay, thank you.
Great idea, Donna.
Well, excuse me for trying to buy a coworker lunch.
I am not your coworker.
You're a high school kid with a part-time job.
You're temporary.
Uh-oh.
You know what ends fights? Pudding.
Just give me seven minutes.
Eric, you gotta stop acting like a big shot.
You're not the king of the world, you know.
I'm employee of the month.
I don't have to take this.
This is no good, Kitty.
- What are you gonna do, Red? He's growing up.
- No, I mean your hair.
Hey there, Harpo.
Where's your horn? [Chortles.]
Bob, are you making fun of my hair? No.
- [All.]
Take me.
- No.
- [All.]
Take me.
- No.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You're Donna, right? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
- I'm Caroline.
I think we have Spanish together.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi.
Hola.
! [Sighs.]
Um, you know that foreign guy you're always hanging out with? - Fez? - Mmm, yeah.
Fez.
Um, is- Is he- Does he- Oh, my God.
You like Fez? - Oh, my God.
Come on.
I'll introduce you to him.
- Oh, no, no, no.
That's okay.
I just wanted to- I gotta go use the baño.
[ThumPing.]
StuPid, stuPid, stuPid.
! What's goin' on? Cosmetology is too hard.
I'm quitting.
Laurie, don't you think I wanted to quit nursing school a hundred times? The first time I put in a catheter, it broke off.
But what if I don't get any better? Well, you will never know unless you stick with it.
- Oh, what do you care? - I care because I'm your mother.
So, I care.
Well, we do start doing nails next week.
That might be fun.
And I happen to know a few patients down at the hospital who would love a manicure.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Uh-huh.
Yep.
It's- It's- It's just gonna perk 'em right up when they come out of their comas.
[Clears Throat.]
Hey, Dad.
Good news.
Just got another raise.
Well, good for you, you dumb bastard.
Yeah, I tell ya.
If they keep throwin' money at me like this I might be able to get my own apartment soon.
For God's sakes, you're 57 years old.
- Ah.
- Eric, why didn't you listen to me? If you'd gone to college, you could've really been something.
Been something? Whoa.
You're talkin' to the interim assistant weekend manager of housewares here, okay? Yeah.
Show some respect.
Well aren't you just the president ofTurd Town? [Groans.]
Dad.
I've been thinkin' about why you went so crazy and yelled at me and I've come to the conclusion that you're crazy and you like to yell at me.
There's somethin' you gotta know.
You're-Well-You're an idiot.
Oh, great.
A pep talk.
Look, sit down.
When I was your age, I thought I had it all too.
Great job at the plant, nice steady paycheck- Just enough to, you know, string me along for 30 years or so.
And for what? So they could toss me out on my ass when things got tough.
- Dad, I'm not gonna- - Look, don't get me wrong.
I admire your work ethic.
But you deserve better than Price Mart.
You're a smart guy.
And I'm, uh- I'm proud of you.
Whoa.
Really? - You-You think I'm smart? You're proud of me? - Oh, geez.
What, you gonna ruin this now by talking? Listen, Dad.
If I'm still workin' at Price Mart when I'm your- older please kill me.
- You don't have to ask twice, Son.
- Oh, that's- - That's my dad.
- Come on.
Let's go make fun of your mom's hair.
- Jerk.
- Wench.
- Tool.
- Dill-hole.
- Moron.
- Moron.
I already said moron.
Moron.
[Stammering.]
Don't touch.
Those are for Donna.
- Kelso, Donna doesn't want a bunch of dirty cookies.
- They're not dirty.
They are now.
Hyde, you're dead.
Oh, my God.
Donna, where have you been? The concert starts in an hour.
I'm ready to go.
Let's go.
The concert? Oh, right.
The concert.
Well, you guys were so busy fighting over the tickets, I forgot to tell you.
I gave them away.
- What? - No! - To who? [Rock.]
[Slow Rock.]
See? Your cuticles look better already.
Proper nail care is one of the easiest things to overlook.
Uh-huh.
Real good.
Oh, gosh, Daddy.
I didn't know you were a bleeder.
I'm not.
Um, could you apply some pressure to this while I go get some paper towels?