The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s03e12 Episode Script

Michelle: I'm ready.
- Anders: For what? - For you, Anders.
I also hear you think you're Odin.
Would it be so bad if it was true? They both slept with Frigg.
That's not a sign of what's going to happen, is it? That we find her and she sleeps with my brothers? Zeb: He's going after her, man.
He's making his move.
Axl: I am Odin! He isn't.
She's mine, not his.
End of story.
She is to choose, and one choice is all she needs.
There's no room for confusion.
This man here is also Odin.
- Is that true? - I would lay claim to that title, yes.
All I'm saying is that if we're going to keep calling these things then people could at least have the good manners to turn up on time.
Ty: You know that's rich coming from you, right? Olaf: I'm a busy man, man.
I got places to be.
- Oh, the surf's good, is it? - Yes, it is actually.
It's not for a wage slave like me though.
- You're working? - Yes.
And not even for wages.
- Ah, finally.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I kind of got unavoidably detained.
Okay, Michelle, you've had your fun.
I really need to go now, please.
Michelle? Michelle! So what all-important thing is this thing about? We found Frigg.
- Really? - Yeah.
And? And there are a lot of things that we need to talk about so I called a thing.
And now that we're all here, can we please get on with it? Geez.
So why aren't we all all powered up and good to go? How did you how did you guys screw it up? Too many Odins.
Okay, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
What? I have to deal with my brother who's not very good at dealing with stuff that doesn't go to plan but we'll get together real soon.
As you wish, my lady.
My lady sounds quite stupid.
Hanna.
My name's Hanna.
Mike.
And I'll get out of your way.
Hang on! Well, this is all right for him because he can find you anytime he likes with his super stalk-y power because he's Ullr, not Odin.
Because I am Odin.
Also known as Axl.
Then I'm sure we shall become better acquainted at the right time, which is not now.
When will be the right time? When I'm ready.
Tell you what, why don't I be the one who passes on messages and stuff about who's ready, when? I mean, it is kind of my job.
Fulla.
I'm your handmaiden.
- I get a handmaiden as well? - Afraid so.
That all good? Everyone okay to let me do the arranging? Good.
And have I seen her since then? No.
And do I know anything about running a business? No! So can we please get on with this thing? Are we sure she's the actual Frigg and not just another bogus one? It's her.
Turned the lights blue and everything? It was more subtle than that.
- What does that mean? - It means we can talk all we like, but it's just wasted air.
It's all over to her now to choose.
There's no choice to make, Mike.
Read the signs, buddy.
Why else would she look like she does? - And what does she look like? - She looks like Axl.
Oh dear.
That's truly disturbing news.
Axl: Yeah, well, not as disturbing as falling asleep pissed in a dress and then waking up the next day with huge breasts and not being able to find my penis.
But now it all makes sense.
Why else would I have turned into her if it wasn't destined to be? Look, there's no choice in destiny, Axl.
And the last I heard, the Frigg was getting back to the both of us.
It's her choice.
Good thing, Ty.
One of the best.
Ta.
You know what really pissed me off? His smug weasel face, like he thinks he's in with a chance.
- What a cock.
- You got the Frigg vibe off her though, right? Why do people keep asking me that? Because of our past failures in identifying the correct Frigg.
Yes.
Yes, I got the vibe.
It wasn't as epic as I was expecting but it was there.
Not just the traditional male response to an over-hot chick? Axl: No.
She got the same buzz off you? Right? How would I know? She seemed more concerned about her freak show brother.
Yeah, Heimdrallr.
He's really fascinating.
Yeah? Well, good for you.
You be fascinated, dude whereas I am this close to getting what I want, and along comes Weasel Face and screws it up with his lame "I'd lay claim to that title too" crap.
If it's lame, how come you had a vision about it? Traditionally when a god has a vision, it means something important not something lame.
Whose side are you on? On your side.
Of course.
I'm just saying that visions are usually visions for a reason.
Yeah, well, no way am I letting this vision come true.
Good for you.
Sidestep that vision and move on.
Which is what I'm going to do.
Come on, man.
You have to.
Ty: Not today.
Yes, today.
Today of all days.
- I can't.
- Olaf: And I can't do this.
People keep ringing wanting their stuff taken from one place to another place.
Why can't they keep their stuff to themselves? Dawn and I have things we need to talk about.
- Well then, you're fired.
- Fine.
No, I didn't mean that.
It was a threat to get you to come to work.
I hear that's what bosses do.
I can't come in today, Olaf.
I'm sorry.
You.
You work in delivery.
You know how this works.
- Pizza.
- It's the same principle only edible.
I can't help you, Grandpa.
Where's Stacey? She's not here where she's supposed to be.
- Is she still with Frigg? - Yes.
- And where are they? - How would I know? Well, she's your girlfriend so you should know where she is.
You haven't had many girlfriends, have you? - Woman: Thanks.
- Stacey: Are you sure you don't want coffee? No.
Thank you.
Tea? Water? You know, Stacey, you don't have to look after me 24/7.
Thing is I sort of do.
You'll get used to it.
What the fuck? Hi.
Sorry.
Won't stay long.
- You shouldn't be here at all.
- Did you follow me here? - Goddess stalking.
- The hunt.
God of the hunt.
Oh right.
Of course.
- Not Odin.
- Mike: Odin hunts too.
- Still shouldn't be here.
- And I need to talk to Hanna - not you.
- Too bad.
Actually, Stacey, um, there's a bakery just across the road and down a bit.
They do these amazing savouries.
Martin's favourite.
So could you pop in there please and get a few? As you wish, my lady.
So weird being called my lady.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'd find that strange.
Well, she is right.
You shouldn't be here.
I presume Martin is in with his shrink? Yeah.
The latest of many.
At least this one seems to be helping a bit until he walks out, sees you here and starts smashing up the furniture.
Don't worry.
I'll be gone.
Why are you here at all? Did I not make myself clear? Well, I wanted to see you.
Before your brother gets to me.
And I wanted to see that your brother was okay.
Why on earth would you be concerned about my brother? Because I seem to be the cause of many of his problems.
Being Heimdallr is the cause of his problems, although you're not helping.
I imagine one of the biggest problems being him is that he's got no one to talk to about it, apart from you.
Well, he's talked to hundreds of people, been prescribed loads of drugs.
Yeah, I meant the, uh, the god side of things.
You can't talk to a shrink about that, can he? Well, when he does, they tend to think he's madder than he is.
But I know someone who could help him someone he could talk to about all that stuff, and someone I think he would really relate to.
See you next week.
If you want to give it a shot, Stacey knows where to find me.
You said you were on my side and then you helped Mike.
- Why won't you help me? - I helped Mike for the good of the family.
Yeah, well, I would have thought this was the one time the whole family would be behind me, the rightful Odin, but apparently I was wrong.
Apparently, you're team Mike.
Axl, you need to pull your head in right now.
You were with him at the wedding shop which means you know where she lives.
- Yes.
- And you obviously don't want me to go there - which means you're siding with him! - It means nothing of the sort.
Give me one other possible explanation.
Because your quest means if you find this woman then Ty, apparently, turns into the fully blown god of darkness and we kind of live together.
So can you see how we might want to figure out how this could impact on who sleeps which side of the blast freezer? Of course, the upside is, if you fail in this quest, the world ends.
Yay.
So can you look past your own self, Axl, to see why Ty and I might want some time here together figuring this shit out? And when I said I couldn't go with you, the thing I was going to say next was that I can give you the address.
Ass.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
So with him on this one.
Hi.
I wasn't sure you'd actually show.
Ah, believe me, they took some persuading.
Practically had to torture Stacey to get her to give up your whereabouts.
Yet another reason being the handmaiden sucks.
- Martin: Don't talk to him.
- Hanna: Shush.
So where is this miracle person? Upstairs.
Come on.
No.
Martin, listen to me.
This is important to me so we're going to go upstairs and if you don't like it, you can bugger off to any realm you like.
Martin, meet Ingrid.
Snotra meet Heimdrallr.
Things didn't quite run to formal introductions before.
- All you all right now? - Sorry? - Well, you didn't seem so happy before.
- Because I wasn't.
I so know what you mean.
I thought of all the gods and goddesses I know, that Ingrid might understand most of all how Martin feels trying to keep it all together.
Do you agree? Yeah.
You could say that.
Trust me, I have been trying to keep it together for so many years - with varying degrees of success.
- Yeah.
Anyway I thought Martin and Ingrid might like to talk especially given that she's a goddess so he doesn't have to hide that side of himself.
Also, I have had dealings with the mental health side of things.
Yeah.
And that.
So, do you want to go for a walk and talk? I can't leave my sister.
- Yes, you can.
- Not with him.
Stacey and I can deal with him.
He's not the one for you.
That's not your call to make.
Now you need to go with Snotra.
Snotra is wise.
There you go.
Okay.
Well, let's go.
Nice work.
Thank you.
Fulla, can you leave us, please? - What? - I need you to leave us now.
Don't you have your business you need to attend to? Are you sure this is wise? I'm sure this is what I want.
I'll call you when I need you.
So, what now? Well, apparently, I shouldn't have even got this far, so over to you.
Well, I haven't eaten all day.
Fancy lunch? You know, I had a bit of a thing with her, don't you? - Frigg? - When she was Axl.
- Oh man, was she hot? - Hotter than Axl.
- Fuck, I wish I'd been there to see that.
- I'm sure you do.
- Maybe you could be her special friend.
- I thought I was your special friend.
Surely you can never have too many special friends? Identify yourself.
Axl: It's me.
I need to talk to you.
All hail, Odin Mark I.
Oh, it's nothing to joke about.
Yet it does have this wonderfully absurd side to it.
So, how can I be of service, my lord? I need to talk to you.
Yeah, I know you said that outside into the little box at the door.
About Gaia.
What about her? Have you heard from her? No, but when I mentioned her name, you wanted to know, right, even after all this time? As if.
Why? What are you getting at? Bragi and Idun.
What was it like? Bro, you know what it was like.
You just about killed me because of what it was like.
- It was irresistible, right? - Yes, as I said back then and no one believed me.
So how come I met Frigg and none of that happened to her? How come she's going to "get back to me"? She's meant to be my one, right? So how come I'm not having to fight her off from jumping me? - Do you feel like jumping her? - Yeah.
Well, I mean, uh, there was a bit confused at the beginning, because I looked like her for a while, but now definitely.
Yeah.
Axl, the thing with Gaia is that when she was Idun, she could have looked like you and I still would have banged her on the spot.
So does the fact that she's not exactly coming after me mean that I'm not Odin? What? No, no.
You're him.
- Okay? You're the man.
Don't ever doubt that.
- Then why isn't she going for me? Maybe it's different for Odin and Frigg.
Maybe 'cause they're king and queen, they're above all that base wanting to rip each other's clothes off and go at like demented rabbits kind of thing like me and Gaia.
Bragi and Idun, I mean.
You're making all of that up.
Of course I am because that's what you do when you have no actual idea.
Look, Axl, you've got to raise above this, okay? Be calm.
You're him, she's her and she will come to you.
- Axl: What if she goes for Mike instead? - She won't.
Go home, Axl.
When she turns up, because she will turn up, I want you to be all like, "What took you so long, bitch?" 'Cause that is what Odin would do.
Okay.
Thanks, man.
I know we've had a bit of a shit time, but it's good to know that you're on my side.
A hundred percent, bro.
Always.
Come here.
I really appreciate it.
You know, gods shouldn't hug other gods, Axl.
But who cares? But you didn't actually call them that, did you? You didn't say the words scumbag, maggot, brainwashing dickwads to my biggest clients? They're an advertising agency, Stace.
They deserve all the abuse we can give them.
Not when they pay you money! Then you're definitely not going like what I said to the architects.
Stupidest idea ever.
Oh, thank god, Ty.
We have many things to put right.
- I'm not working today.
- Olaf: Yes.
I can testify to that.
- Please.
- Sorry.
We need to speak to Olaf.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
So these, marriages were after you became Oh.
Absolutely.
Two attempts to say, "Fuck you, destiny.
I am not waiting around for some mythical prince who probably won't ever show.
" End result: two spectacular failures.
Oh, pork skin jelly.
Oh, I've got seasoned black fungus salad.
Kids? No.
You? One failed marriage and no kids.
Was she one of us? No.
- You? - No.
Both poor bastards who had no idea they were marrying into the world's most dysfunctional family.
On behalf of my family, I'd have to dispute that.
Oh, you would, would you? I never knew my mother.
My mother abandoned me in favour of becoming a tree.
Yeah, okay, you won that.
My father groomed me for a lifetime of failure, that my Prince Charming would never come for me and that I would die alone and unfulfilled.
Okay.
You you definitely win that one.
And you've met my brother so you know he's less my brother and more the child I never had.
But I have three brothers who more than make up for your one brother.
I have two failed marriages which beats your one failed marriage so I win.
Yay me.
Dawn: That's it? That mumbo-jumbo bullshit's the best you've got? Ty: I did warn you.
We are trying to figure out, Olaf, this huge thing in our relationship: how to cope when one of us becomes the god of darkness, so when Ty tells me "Oh, I suppose we could ask the family oracle," I say, "Cool.
You've got a family oracle.
How awesome.
" I did say not to get your hopes up.
I did expect a little bit more than meaningless gibberish about how unclear everything is.
Strictly speaking, you're not part of our family circle so I don't have to tell you anything at all.
Which would leave me in the exact same place I'm in now.
Olaf, sorry.
Dawn's a bit het up.
Yeah.
I can see that.
All I'm saying is what's the point in having a family oracle if they can't tell you useful stuff? I deal in an oral tradition that goes back countless generations-- okay, not countless but quite a few-- and oral traditions are notoriously vague.
Someone doesn't speak up or someone gets drunk or there's a speech impediment and the message gets changed or the message gets lost! As the last in a long line of Chinese whisperers, it is quite frankly a fucking miracle that I know anything at all.
Thanks.
So, if your dad could speak, what do you think he'd have to say about two Odins turning up? Being the world's biggest pessimist, he'd probably start by pointing out one of you isn't him, and then he would add that inevitably I will choose the wrong one.
But I thought the rules were that your choosing determines the right one? And who's to say the right one isn't the wrong one? Oh, that's way too deep for a simple bloke like me.
Zeb: You know what the weird thing is? I mean, good weird as opposed to bad weird, like two Odins weird? Because you were her for a bit, when you finally take Frigg to the marital bed, it will be kind of like making love to yourself but in the best possible way.
I can't do this.
I can't sit here waiting when I know he's out there.
I'm going after her.
I've got to say that, whatever happens next, I very much enjoyed lunch.
I've got a rider on the way now and to make it up to you, the next job's free.
Okay? Great.
Thanks.
Shouldn't you be somewhere else? Terrorizing your old boyfriend or something? Hm, I'm through that phase.
Now I want to meet this Frigg of yours.
I don't know where she is.
- Aren't you meant to be at her beck and call? - Stacey: It's not that simple.
I thought slavish devotion was the basis of your relationship unless, of course, she's not the real Frigg.
- She is.
- So why aren't you with her? Because I have a business to run.
So, you're her submissive but you get time off? I have a life and she has a life.
And where is she having her life at this moment? I want to meet her as a goddess sister.
I don't know where she is.
- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.
Why are you lying to me? - I'm not lying.
- Yes.
You are.
I want to make her acquaintance.
That's all.
Why is it such a big deal? I don't know where she is but I know where I last saw her.
Hm, which is where? At what used to be Mike's bar.
Was he there? Yes.
And now her phone is turned off.
- Sorry.
I fell asleep.
- Me too.
I have to go.
Hey there! If you can't do something as silly as catching a seagull then why worry about the things that are truly beyond your control?! Like the idiom, herding cats.
Yes, although I'm quite good at getting cats to do what I want.
I'm a bit of a cat whisperer.
Like herding Johnsons.
If you say so, although why you'd want to herd that lot is beyond me.
That's my job.
- Herding Johnsons? - To get them all to the right place, at the right time.
- It's not as easy as it seems.
- No, I imagine it isn't.
I hated being bad cupid.
Bad cupid? Getting the wrong people together like Anders and Gaia.
I didn't like doing that.
But Axl couldn't be with her.
It would not have led him to making the right conclusions.
- Which were what? - That he is who he is, a god among gods.
He needed to learn for himself the path that he must take, that what seems wrong is right.
That's how we learn.
I had to steer him in the right direction.
Do you require a lift? - Yeah.
Actually, I do.
- Climb in.
Ingrid: On what path? - Heimdallr: To acceptance.
- Ingrid: Of what? Heimdallr: That he has a job to do.
Get him home, get him on his way.
"Stuck in downtown 'Norse' with no clothes, no money.
Ready to come home.
Can you get me?" I never sent that text.
Zeb: Pizza delivery.
- That's me.
- Dude, that is like a sign.
I'm going to find her.
I've never felt more sure about anything in my entire life.
Finally, hallelujah.
Cats are herded, everyone on course.
- Time to tidy up the loose ends.
- No! - You destroyed Yggdrasil.
- It doesn't belong here.
You can't leave behind evidence.
You'd think I've done enough, you'd think my job would be over.
No, no, no.
I had to bend the rules again Three times now.
Spell it out for him.
Literally, spell it out.
Still, the wrong one gets there first.
All wrong.
Go away! I've done the best I can.
Over to her now.
It's her choice.
Can we just go back to that thing about you destroying Yggdrasil, which just quietly robbed me of the first decent income I've ever had? There can't be any evidence afterwards.
Evidence of what? - After what? - Us.
After the Gar.
- The what? - The gar.
Which is? - You don't know about the gar? - No.
- None of you? - Not that I'm aware of.
The gar is the point of everything I've done.
Without the Gar, we die.
Everybody dies.
Family oracle reporting for business.
Okay.
Proving that hope triumphs over experience, I need you to answer some questions.
Nice opening, Mike.
Keep 'em coming.
I spent the afternoon in the company of Frigg.
Yeah.
And when I say "in the company," I mean, you know in the company.
Oh.
Intriguing.
You move fast.
Thing is, she was the one doing most of the moving.
I was there for the ride.
And the ride was? Remarkable.
And unexpected.
Indeed.
For the goddess of marriage to so easily give it up to the first wannabe Odin who buys her a drink does seem unusual.
Mind you, in the myths, Frigg's a bit of a slut.
Don't talk about her like that.
I humbly apologize.
She chose me, Grandpa.
In a sense, definitely.
There's no denying that.
But does it mean you're the all father? I don't feel a surging of Baldr power through my veins.
Yes.
Yes, we have always assumed that it would happen when Frigg and Odin got it on, but maybe we were wrong.
- We've been wrong before.
- Exactly.
Or you're not Odin, to name another possibility.
She chose me.
There's definitely something there.
She clearly feels it, and well, I feel it too.
She's a love goddess.
Love goddesses are by definition easy to love.
I don't want you confusing god feelings with real feelings.
All right? What if the two are inextricably linked? Hey.
Hello.
All my, um I don't know what you call them-- advisors seems too strong a word.
They all said that I should wait for you to come to me.
But I'm no good at waiting so I'm Axl Johnson.
Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not named after the dude from Guns 'N' Roses.
Or part of a car.
It actually means something along the lines of Father of Peace, which is weird since I was named 21 years before I became Odin, the all father.
Hi.
Hi.
Thank you.
You do get that I am him, right? I mean, you feel it too? It's not just me.
'Cause when I look at you, I totally get that you are her and it feels like I've reached the end of this really, really long road.
We should go somewhere, do something.
- We could go inside.
- Fuck no, not in there.
It's like a prison.
s I mean something fun 'cause this stuff is getting way too serious for me.
You do do meaningless fun, don't you, Axl? Yeah.
It's one of the things I'm best at.
Okay, let's go.
- Oh, you're here.
- Yes, I am.
- Are the others? - There were.
Then Mike left enigmatically so it's just me.
- We need others.
- Any particular others? As many as possible with the last name Johnson.
- Where's Hanna? - I have no idea.
Do you know what a gar is? It's some kind of flightless bird.
No.
- Then no.
- I thought as much.
- Do you love Hanna? - Eh? I'm her handmaiden.
That is where it ends.
I don't mean like that.
Although it is good to rule that out.
I mean do you feel love towards her? I feel duty towards her, if that's what you mean.
No, love, as in feelings of love.
I've only just met her.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay, you're going to have to spell this one out for me.
As a love goddess I wonder if her power is she gets people to fall in love with her.
Yeah, not me.
- Right.
- Why? Are you Holy shit balls.
Are you in love with her? I don't know.
I'm, uh - confused.
- One lunch and you fall in love.
Are you a fucking teenager? It was a lot more than lunch, okay? Oh, you didn't.
I knew I shouldn't have never have left you two alone.
But you did.
And we did.
And then she went all Cinderella on me and did a runner.
And what I want to know is was it real? Real as in are you actually in love with her or did she pull some Anders-type thing and take advantage of you? Yeah, something like that.
I've got no idea what her power is.
Hey.
Decided to show up for work, did we? Ah, there's not a lot else I can do at home so yeah, actually, because I thought you might need a hand.
Thanks.
That's actually fantastic.
- Actually I need to talk to you.
- Of course you do.
Sorry, I've tried.
Ty: Okay, a busy day for Mike then.
- It wasn't part of the plan, I swear.
- Oh, you had a plan? Not as such.
I just figured if I got to know Hanna better then-- You'd stand a better chance when she played eeny-meeny- miney-mo and chooses her Odin.
- I just wanted to know her some more.
- Which you did, Mike, in the biblical sense.
And the Earth did not move.
I wouldn't say that.
For the rest of us.
Nothing on that front is clear.
Yeah, well, try telling that to Dawn, who is at home quietly melting down.
Dawn is a big fan of clear.
Tell you one thing for certain I don't want Axl ending up with her.
As Odin? As anybody.
You got that.
We've been looking for you for ages.
- I know.
- You knew? Yeah, I knew someone was looking.
Martin's not very good at hiding stuff from me.
He didn't tell me who it was, or let me help 'cause it's against the rules, apparently.
The rules which only he knows and that are in his head.
It would have really sped things up if you had have come to us.
Which would have broken rule number one: he must come to you so that you may choose him.
- It's pretty naff for all, if you ask me.
- Yeah, me too.
But I reckon things are looking up now, eh? Well, yeah.
Now I'm spoiled for choice.
When I was you, were you aware of that? What? I turned into you for awhile.
It's an Odin thing.
The power to shape shift.
I changed into you.
Freaky.
Yeah.
I see now that it was a sign.
Yes? Yeah.
Weird shit all around, eh? - That was really fun.
- Yeah, it was.
I needed that.
Cool.
So now what? Your phone's ringing.
I know.
You should get it.
- Yes.
- I'm calling a thing.
- Axl: What? - A thing.
At Mike's, now.
I'm going to go.
- Uh, does it have to be now? - Yes.
Hang on.
You sure? This won't take long.
Yep.
I'm going to go but I'll see you soon.
This thing better be pretty fucking important.
Biggest thing ever.
Hey.
Ah, cometh the hour, cometh the man.
Could we do this thing now, please? Yes, we can.
Sorry I'm late.
I was a bit busy.
With Frigg.
You've slept with her too? What is up with this chick? No.
We played video games.
What do you mean too? Okay, right, before we get sidetracked into recriminations over who slept with who and when and what it means in the greater run of things, this here and now is where you lot need to shut up and listen, for once in your lives, because all of your lives are at stake.
Hi, Frigg.
I'm Michelle.
Also known as Sjofn.
We haven't met but I thought it was time we did.
Hello, Sjofn.
Don't know about you but I can murder a cup of tea.
If anyone here knows what a gar is, hands up.
- Thought as much.
- Okay, so the gar, as we have learned today, thanks to Martin here putting us right, is the ceremony where Frigg and Odin are reunited.
Let me guess.
It happens in a forest? Well done, Anders, although I also picked that much.
There's nothing else.
Pot kettle black.
How have you two fucked up, Grandpa? Ingrid: Fucked up is harsh.
I'd say more arrived late to the point of knowledge.
And what knowledge are we talking about here? The knowledge of how the whole Odin-Frigg thing happens.
Which is not with them - Yeah - Making the beast with two backs.
No.
Hanna: Sjofn.
That's not a goddess that I'm that familiar with.
Not many people are.
The books tend to write her off as a minor ddesess.
That's not very nice.
No.
At best, I'm you.
But not so much Ah, but you're not another handmaiden, are you? No.
The polar opposite, in fact.
Well, that's good.
'cause I'm not entirely sure I can handle one handmaiden let alone two.
Basically, Frigg arrives at the gar with her Odin and then she chooses him for all eternity.
Now, theoretically, there's only usually one so we might have to win this battle when we get there.
For fuck sakes.
Ingrid: Then they are joined together in-- what did you call it? - The pure light.
- The pure light, which sounds lovely, doesn't it? The thing is, Hanna, there are a few of us goddesses who have decided to work together.
Ah.
I didn't know that.
But then I am new on the scene.
It hasn't taken you long to get around, has it? How you mean? Michelle: We goddesses feel that a return to the old ways would be a big step backwards.
Which old ways are these? The old ways are where Odin and his god mates rule and where goddesses, especially minor goddesses, aren't more than just things to be passed around and used.
- Doesn't sound very good.
- Luckily, the only way this can happen is if Odin and Frigg are reunited.
And there are ways of stopping that happening.
I'm sure there are many, many ways to stop the union of Odin and Frigg, if that is what you want.
Biscuit? I'm good.
Thanks.
At the gar, all nine realms need to be represented.
Odin and his Frigg are there for Asgard, obviously.
The Vanaheimr, which is the realm of the Vanir, will be represented by Ingrid.
Then there's Midgard, the realm of humans, which is Ty.
- But I'm a god again.
- It's just representing, Ty.
Also, you do love humans more than most.
We chose who was going to be who before you arrived to help curtail the arguments.
- What arguments? - Anders, you are Nidavellir, the realm of the dwarves.
Oh, what, 'cause I'm the shortest? Oh, fuck, you guys and your stereotypes.
- These arguments.
- No because you're the most dwarfish of us all in that you talk the most crap.
So yeah, sdeal with it.
We did a little bit of casting according to type.
Which is why I'm proud to represent Jotunheimr, the home of the giants.
- Because I'm the tallest.
- Yeah, we got it, Grandpa.
And Stacey, 'cause she's short, and despite the fact that she's a dark creature, she gets Alfheimr, the realm of light elves.
Michelle is Niflheimr.
That's the realm of the dead, isn't it? Well, this seemed most appropriate given recent circumstances.
Bags on me tell her.
Removing Odin from the equation was our first thought but that comes with complications.
Natural disasters and the death of all of his blood relatives, including Mike.
Should be a pity.
The natural disasters thing wouldn't be too flash either.
Are you aware that Mike was, until very recently, my lover? My boyfriend, the guy I lived with, whatever you want call it.
No, I wasn't.
Didn't think he'd mention it while he was fucking you.
Now, Svartalfheimr, I'm afraid, is a tad contentious.
In that whoever doesn't get the shoulder tap as Odin is expected to not throw his toys out of the cot and to front up on behalf of the dark elves.
Yeah, well, one of us is more suited to being a dark elf than the other.
Elfishness is not about height, Axl.
It's about heart.
No, it was the dark bit that I was referring to.
At the gar, all of the nine realms need to be represented, otherwise it's a no go! So if anyone packs the sand and doesn't want to play, the whole thing's off.
Of course, the other way to stop the union is to remove Frigg from the equation.
Ty: There are nine realms.
Thank you, Ty.
Well spotted.
You've only mentioned eight.
Ingrid: Yes.
Well, we were rather caught one short at short notice.
So there's been something of a ringer.
Is that my cue? Muspelheimr in the house! Realm of the fire giants.
Born to represent.
Are we talking about after the gar? After the pure light, what happens then? - No.
We were just getting to that.
- Well, it's the best bit! What happens after, Grandpa? Now here, I'm afraid, it would be fair to say we got it spectacular wrong.
Sorry.
What about the third option? What third option? That Frigg is actually on your side.
Martin!