The Batman (2004) s03e12 Episode Script
The Icy Depths
A mid-19th century gentleman's bumbershoot.
Featuring unique engraved ivory handle with jewel inlay.
Bidding begins at 50,000.
Do I hear 50? Fifty.
Do I hear 55? Fifty-five.
Sixty? Sixty.
Sixty-five? Sixty-five.
Seventy? Seventy.
Do I hear 75? Seventy-five.
Going once.
Going twice.
A buck 50.
Uh, sold? Never can have too many umbrellas.
Now if you'll excuse me, I am going once, going tw Huh? Going back to Arkham.
Says you.
Never get between a collector and his prize, Batman.
What do you know? A sunshade to keep me cool.
Freeze? Have an ice evening.
What? I stole it first.
Penguin's interest is obvious, but umbrellas don't seem to complement your winter wear.
This one does.
Brrrrr.
Argh! It's mine.
Oh.
Why isn't it here? Alfie.
Alfie Pennyworth.
Well, don't you recognize me? Ewan? Ewan Fripp? In the flesh.
You're looking fit, if a bit thin on top.
You've done well for yourself, old chum.
This is the Wayne family mansion.
I am their butler.
Just winding you up, Alfie.
So how long has it been? Thirty-six years.
What brings you to Gotham City, Ewan? Historic artifacts is my game.
And since I was out this way, I thought why not look up my old school chum? How very considerate.
And come to find out, one of the only known copies of a very rare book I need for my research is said to be in the Wayne collection.
How very coincidental.
The code.
Three numbers.
Four.
Twenty-two.
Seventeen.
Map seventeen.
Level four.
Tunnel 22.
Good show.
You must be Ewan.
It's great to meet an old friend of Alfred's.
Many thanks for loaning your library, Mr.
Wayne.
Alas, I must really be off.
A shame you can't join me on my Gotham adventure, old chum.
Well, I don't want it to be another 36 years before you two get this opportunity.
Go ahead, Alfred.
Take the afternoon off.
Heh-heh.
Yes, do.
For old times' sake.
I say, Ewan, your research takes you to some rather grimy grottos.
You pilfered that page from Master Bruce.
Nearly through, old chum.
Promise to return it.
Now, look here, Ewan, I demand to know just what kind of artifacts we're looking for.
Treasure.
Stolen from the royal palace over a hundred years ago.
Her Majesty's royal palace? Stolen by whom? I know that crest.
The Cobblepots.
A numeric code.
But for what? For a map of Gotham's old utility tunnels.
A Chesterfield Cobblepot stole the treasure in 1879 and smuggled it here to Gotham.
I can't help but wonder if a certain Cobblepot descendant knows about this.
Well, wonder no more, Pennyworth.
Blast.
Thanks for leading me to my family fortune, gents.
But what are you doing here, Pennyworth? Seeing to it that stolen property is returned to queen and country.
Stolen shmolen.
It's in the family now.
It's mine.
A missing page? Ewan.
Alfred.
I know Wayne's butler.
What's your game? Historic artifacts is my game, Mr.
Cobblepot.
In fact, I regret to inform you that you shan't be able to open the vault without my help.
Think I don't know how to operate a family heirloom? It's not just an umbrella.
It's a key.
Show me the money.
What? Where is it? Bah! Junk.
There's supposed to be gold.
Silver.
Jewels.
There's gotta be a secret compartment.
Huh? No! Jolly good.
Think that was good, Alfie? Get a load of this.
Ah! We'll see who thinks he's Mr.
Fancy now.
I'll get him.
The lighthouse.
I see.
Brilliant.
My word.
What does it mean? We'd better split up.
Here, take this.
What? Why? Eh, come back.
A left at the next junction, then straight on to Agh! Ohhh! Where is it? Don't have the umbrella.
You may want to pursue the other chap.
The butler? I somehow doubt historic artifacts are his game.
Batman? Another treasure hunter? Would you believe a butler? Lead me to the treasure, butler.
Really, I know nothing about it.
Oh! I think you do.
Well, there was some mention of a lighthouse.
Mmm.
I-if this symbol represents the lighthouse we are in, this one must be just over yonder.
There it is.
The old cathedral.
The lines must intersect at the treasure's location.
But how would we ever? X marks the spot, indeed.
In the middle of the harbor? Thanks for marking the spot, Freezie.
It shall be the spot of your watery grave, Penguin.
Chesterfield Cobblepot deliberately sank his schooner rather than be captured by American authorities.
And used physical landmarks to fix its location for later retrieval.
Chesty was a clever old bird.
A shame that walking snowman's too late to stop me from reclaiming my fortune.
Ahhh! Doh! Oh, dear.
He may never find me.
I'm not much of a swimmer.
Ungh! No one gets between me and my fortune.
No one! A little help, Ewan.
What are you up to? Ah.
Jolly good.
You all right? That should teach you to give me the day off.
You'll be safe here.
But the treasure, Batman, is down there and I must recover it.
For historical purposes, of course.
Are you daft? It is dangerous down there.
Did you not hear the fellow in the bat costume instruct us to stay behind? Huh? The treasure ship.
Wow.
Flawless.
The Tudor royal diamonds.
A legend made real.
Hey, ice pop.
I'll never share my little nest egg.
Oh, mama.
Ah, pretty.
Ah-ha-ha! Pretty, pretty.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Your demise may warm even my heart.
Why won't you stay melted? The diamonds are mine.
No.
They're all mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Thought you two could use a referee.
Go on then bring it.
What are you doing? Don't tell me you don't help yourself to the master's silver now and then, old chum? I most certainly do not.
Well, it might do you some good.
And a trouncing might do you some good.
If the ice continues to melt at this rate, the bay could collapse on us with the force of a tidal wave.
I've come this far, Bat.
That's a chance I'm willing to take.
We leave or we drown.
You like treasure, Freezie? Then you'll love this necklace.
No fair.
Almost there.
Maybe we should split the treasure.
Echhh! You and your stupid ice.
It's all your fault! Oh, shut up.
The treasure is scattered to the depths.
As good as lost.
Sometimes it is best to let what's past be past.
And I suggest that the same apply to you and me old chum.
Featuring unique engraved ivory handle with jewel inlay.
Bidding begins at 50,000.
Do I hear 50? Fifty.
Do I hear 55? Fifty-five.
Sixty? Sixty.
Sixty-five? Sixty-five.
Seventy? Seventy.
Do I hear 75? Seventy-five.
Going once.
Going twice.
A buck 50.
Uh, sold? Never can have too many umbrellas.
Now if you'll excuse me, I am going once, going tw Huh? Going back to Arkham.
Says you.
Never get between a collector and his prize, Batman.
What do you know? A sunshade to keep me cool.
Freeze? Have an ice evening.
What? I stole it first.
Penguin's interest is obvious, but umbrellas don't seem to complement your winter wear.
This one does.
Brrrrr.
Argh! It's mine.
Oh.
Why isn't it here? Alfie.
Alfie Pennyworth.
Well, don't you recognize me? Ewan? Ewan Fripp? In the flesh.
You're looking fit, if a bit thin on top.
You've done well for yourself, old chum.
This is the Wayne family mansion.
I am their butler.
Just winding you up, Alfie.
So how long has it been? Thirty-six years.
What brings you to Gotham City, Ewan? Historic artifacts is my game.
And since I was out this way, I thought why not look up my old school chum? How very considerate.
And come to find out, one of the only known copies of a very rare book I need for my research is said to be in the Wayne collection.
How very coincidental.
The code.
Three numbers.
Four.
Twenty-two.
Seventeen.
Map seventeen.
Level four.
Tunnel 22.
Good show.
You must be Ewan.
It's great to meet an old friend of Alfred's.
Many thanks for loaning your library, Mr.
Wayne.
Alas, I must really be off.
A shame you can't join me on my Gotham adventure, old chum.
Well, I don't want it to be another 36 years before you two get this opportunity.
Go ahead, Alfred.
Take the afternoon off.
Heh-heh.
Yes, do.
For old times' sake.
I say, Ewan, your research takes you to some rather grimy grottos.
You pilfered that page from Master Bruce.
Nearly through, old chum.
Promise to return it.
Now, look here, Ewan, I demand to know just what kind of artifacts we're looking for.
Treasure.
Stolen from the royal palace over a hundred years ago.
Her Majesty's royal palace? Stolen by whom? I know that crest.
The Cobblepots.
A numeric code.
But for what? For a map of Gotham's old utility tunnels.
A Chesterfield Cobblepot stole the treasure in 1879 and smuggled it here to Gotham.
I can't help but wonder if a certain Cobblepot descendant knows about this.
Well, wonder no more, Pennyworth.
Blast.
Thanks for leading me to my family fortune, gents.
But what are you doing here, Pennyworth? Seeing to it that stolen property is returned to queen and country.
Stolen shmolen.
It's in the family now.
It's mine.
A missing page? Ewan.
Alfred.
I know Wayne's butler.
What's your game? Historic artifacts is my game, Mr.
Cobblepot.
In fact, I regret to inform you that you shan't be able to open the vault without my help.
Think I don't know how to operate a family heirloom? It's not just an umbrella.
It's a key.
Show me the money.
What? Where is it? Bah! Junk.
There's supposed to be gold.
Silver.
Jewels.
There's gotta be a secret compartment.
Huh? No! Jolly good.
Think that was good, Alfie? Get a load of this.
Ah! We'll see who thinks he's Mr.
Fancy now.
I'll get him.
The lighthouse.
I see.
Brilliant.
My word.
What does it mean? We'd better split up.
Here, take this.
What? Why? Eh, come back.
A left at the next junction, then straight on to Agh! Ohhh! Where is it? Don't have the umbrella.
You may want to pursue the other chap.
The butler? I somehow doubt historic artifacts are his game.
Batman? Another treasure hunter? Would you believe a butler? Lead me to the treasure, butler.
Really, I know nothing about it.
Oh! I think you do.
Well, there was some mention of a lighthouse.
Mmm.
I-if this symbol represents the lighthouse we are in, this one must be just over yonder.
There it is.
The old cathedral.
The lines must intersect at the treasure's location.
But how would we ever? X marks the spot, indeed.
In the middle of the harbor? Thanks for marking the spot, Freezie.
It shall be the spot of your watery grave, Penguin.
Chesterfield Cobblepot deliberately sank his schooner rather than be captured by American authorities.
And used physical landmarks to fix its location for later retrieval.
Chesty was a clever old bird.
A shame that walking snowman's too late to stop me from reclaiming my fortune.
Ahhh! Doh! Oh, dear.
He may never find me.
I'm not much of a swimmer.
Ungh! No one gets between me and my fortune.
No one! A little help, Ewan.
What are you up to? Ah.
Jolly good.
You all right? That should teach you to give me the day off.
You'll be safe here.
But the treasure, Batman, is down there and I must recover it.
For historical purposes, of course.
Are you daft? It is dangerous down there.
Did you not hear the fellow in the bat costume instruct us to stay behind? Huh? The treasure ship.
Wow.
Flawless.
The Tudor royal diamonds.
A legend made real.
Hey, ice pop.
I'll never share my little nest egg.
Oh, mama.
Ah, pretty.
Ah-ha-ha! Pretty, pretty.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Your demise may warm even my heart.
Why won't you stay melted? The diamonds are mine.
No.
They're all mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Thought you two could use a referee.
Go on then bring it.
What are you doing? Don't tell me you don't help yourself to the master's silver now and then, old chum? I most certainly do not.
Well, it might do you some good.
And a trouncing might do you some good.
If the ice continues to melt at this rate, the bay could collapse on us with the force of a tidal wave.
I've come this far, Bat.
That's a chance I'm willing to take.
We leave or we drown.
You like treasure, Freezie? Then you'll love this necklace.
No fair.
Almost there.
Maybe we should split the treasure.
Echhh! You and your stupid ice.
It's all your fault! Oh, shut up.
The treasure is scattered to the depths.
As good as lost.
Sometimes it is best to let what's past be past.
And I suggest that the same apply to you and me old chum.