The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e12 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
What are you talking about, Maxine? Weddings are a beautiful thing.
We get to pretend we accomplished something, and all we had to do was not break up.
And your parents pay for the whole thing.
Her parents are very rich, by the way.
Okay, I like the commitment of marriage.
I just think weddings are cheesy.
What's wrong with going down to the courthouse and just making our lives easier? A courthouse? Do you hear this? A courthou No, of course weddings are cheesy, but where else will my Uncle Pete get a chance - to hit on one of your nieces? - (laughs) You guys are a funny couple.
Hey, I'm gonna go get us all another round.
No, no, no.
I'll get this one.
No, stop.
Are you kidding? It's your anniversary.
I'm getting the drinks.
(chuckles): Okay.
Thank you, Jessica! Maxine, that girl wants to have sex with us.
What? Jerrod, you're insane.
She came over, approached us, started a conversation, laughed at everything we said for over an hour.
She's getting us drunk.
Like, if I were single, I would've already invited her back to my place to watch Westworld.
I think it's possible for someone to be friendly without wanting sex.
No, it isn't.
That's all friendliness is.
It's just horniness in disguise, trust me.
That girl wants to sleep with us.
Huh.
I find that kind of flattering.
I like the idea of being the couple that people want to have sex with.
Like George and Amal or Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.
What? Nobody wants to have a threesome with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell anymore.
What are you talking about? Well, I think they're classy.
Like Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Okay, quit naming old couples, Maxine.
You're creeping me out.
Look, the point is, if this is real, what are we gonna do about it? - I don't know.
(giggles) - I mean you've said in the past that you'd be open to us trying a threesome.
And it's fallen in our lap on our three-year anniversary.
I don't think we can get a much clearer sign from God.
I mean, it is something I've fantasized about.
And you're sure it's something that you still want to try? More than I want my father to live to see his grandchildren.
I don't even know why we're talking about this, because you're just interpreting it all wrong.
She's just a friendly person.
Okay, here, she's coming back.
- Don't make it weird.
- I'm not gonna Okay, here we go.
- Thanks.
- Oh, thank you so much, Jessica.
You know, you have, like, really beautiful eyes.
Oh.
Thank you.
You know Jessica if I may speak for my fiancée and I, we think your eyes are beautiful, too.
Oh.
Wow.
Um Hey, Jessica, you ever seen Westworld? Happy anniversary.
Last night was amazing.
It was incredible, right? Every couple should have a threesome.
I've never felt more in sync with you.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not gonna lie.
Really proud of the work I did in there.
I mean it was overwhelming for a second, but it's good to know that in a fight-or-flight situation, your boy here spars with the best of them.
Yeah, I feel like we can accomplish anything together now.
You know, if they had group sex at corporate retreats, I bet company productivity would skyrocket.
(chuckles) After last night, I think you finally passed Jay Z as the most important person in the world to me.
(laughs) Yeah, no, and I was like, "Well, this is a grocery store.
You're supposed to have the bags.
" Hey, why is she still here? Yeah, it's almost noon; it's like, how long are you supposed to stay after a threesome? It was clearly a one-night stand.
Everybody knows the rules.
As soon as the sun hits your face, you're supposed to get out of there like a vampire.
Hey, Jessica.
Good morning.
Well, that was a really fun night.
Oh! Oh Oh.
Okay.
Hey, do you guys have an extra toothbrush? What? Uh, yeah, there should be one, uh, in the cabinet under the sink.
Okay, thanks.
And when I get out, we can finally watch Westworld.
How long do you think she's gonna stay here? She's brushing her teeth while wearing my shirt.
I think she's planning on dying here.
(sighs) Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
When she gets out, I'm just gonna tell her that I got an emergency text from my sister, and we have to go pick her up from her abusive boyfriend's house.
Well, what if she wants to come with us? Who would want to come to that? Uh, everyone.
Do you know how interesting that sounds? If someone told me they were about to go to their sister's house who'd just been abused, I'd drop all my plans and get in the car.
Now, look, I'm just gonna tell her to get out.
No, you can't do that.
We have to come up with the right thing to say so that she leaves but she doesn't, you know, feel hurt by it.
Okay, you know, I'm just gonna tell her that I forgot we already had plans.
Eh.
Just a heads up, your toothbrushes are medium, but most dentists actually recommend soft.
It's easier on your gums.
Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to get soft toothbrushes.
Uh Oh, crap! Jerrod, I forgot that we have to go get our couple's massage at the spa because it's our anniversary.
Oh, what spa? Oh, it's, um What's it called? Look, Maxine's lying to you.
The truth is we only wanted to have sex with you, and we don't want to hang out anymore, so we would prefer it if you left.
Cool? What? Jerrod, what the hell is your problem? I am so sorry, Jessica.
We do not feel that way at all.
We had an amazing time with you last night, and no one's telling you to leave.
Nah.
She's just saying that.
We really would like for you to leave.
Cool? Wow.
Um, I'm sorry I overstayed my welcome.
No, don't be so hard on yourself.
We're new to threesomes, too, you know? We're just figuring out all these crazy rules as we go along, you know? (scoffs) Okay.
Yeah, I guess I'll leave.
Westworld time! Jerrod, how can you be so inconsiderate? She was so hurt.
No, she seemed fine.
Okay, how would you feel if you had sex with someone and then they kicked you out first thing in the morning? Amazing.
Maxine, honesty is way better than stringing someone along.
We kicked her out early enough for her to still enjoy the rest of her day.
What is it, like, noon? She could still catch a matinée if she wants to, and those are half off tickets.
We're saving this girl time and money.
Oh, don't act like you did something noble.
Nobody likes that kind of brutal honesty.
Lying after sex is just common human decency.
Okay.
Maxine, let's not fight about her, okay? If there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that we are just way too much fun as a couple.
People are gonna get attached.
I bet this is what it's like when Barack and Michelle have threesomes.
You threw her out like trash.
No, I didn't.
I recycled her.
I-I put her back into the world so she could have a new beginning.
- (knock on door) - CYNTHIA: Happy anniversary! No, do not answer the door.
I cannot deal with your family right now.
I can't not answer the door.
They're at the door.
BOBBY: Hey, Jerrod, you home? Maybe they're not home.
CYNTHIA: Well, where else would they be? They're always over our place or here; they got no lives.
JOE: Jerrod, you're being rude as hell.
Now, I'm gonna kick this door down if I need to.
Five, four Happy anniversary! Took y'all long enough.
Look at you two.
Still in your bathrobes.
Well, that must have been a wild night, huh? - Huh?! Huh?! - All right.
Okay, okay.
All right.
Okay.
Please stop.
(laughs) Of course, the real anniversary comes after you get married, but you kids and your new ways, celebrating dating anniversaries.
I just hope you get right with God.
Soon, before you have to go to hell forever.
But congratulations! So, look, we went to the Pottery Barn, and we got his and her Egyptian cotton towels.
Feel it.
Uh-huh.
That's how they dry their ass in Egypt.
It's nice, right? Well, thank you, guys.
I'm gonna be in the bedroom.
Jerrod, we'll finish this later.
Hold on.
I think I know what's happening here.
We walked in on a little anniversary fight.
The most beautiful fight of the year.
You know, Jerrod was conceived after a anniversary fight.
See, when a man is angry, that's when he's at his most potent.
Judging from the anger I'm looking at on y'all's faces, we might be grandparents in nine months.
(knock on door) Sorry, I just Well, who is this? Oh, hey, hey.
It's not actually a good time.
My parents came by, so I left my bra, okay? Just give it to me and I'll leave.
"Bra"? Did she just say "bra"? Yeah, I heard "bra," Mama.
You did say "bra," right, lady? JERROD: Hey, okay.
Look, just wait right there.
I'll go grab it, okay? Hi, Jessica.
Hi.
So, uh did y'all have a little sleepover or something? Yeah, something like that.
Oh, so you're visiting from out of state? No.
Okay.
Here you go.
Thanks for coming by.
Bye.
This isn't my bra.
Oh, God.
Jerrod, that is mine.
I'm Oh, here.
Thank you.
Okay.
So, uh, y'all went to high school together? No.
Okay.
Jerrod got a shirt just like that.
Um, here.
Thanks.
Yo, something went down, and we're gonna figure it out.
I know, because I've been wearing bras since before you boys were born, and I have never forgotten one somewhere.
It just seems impolite to be taking off your bra at your friend's house.
Yeah, if I take my drawers off at a friend's house, that means something horrible has happened.
This is very peculiar.
Okay, there's nothing suspicious, okay? Stop trying to figure something out.
So a girl stayed over, and she left her bra in y'all bedroom, and then there's a lot of tension in the air.
(chuckles) It's pretty clear what went down.
Well, what did you deduce, Bobby? Jerrod and Maxine had a threesome last night.
A threesome?! Oh, my God.
I solved the case.
(laughs) Let me get this straight.
Y'all had an orgy last night? Let's not make a big deal about this, okay? JOE: Well, I'm having conflicted feelings.
On the one hand, I'm proud of my son, and on the other hand, I'm very disappointed in Maxine.
Man, this double standard thing between men and women is real.
Can we please just drop this? You're always trying to steal my thunder, Jerrod.
Look, I was just about to break the news that I finally slept with an Asian chick.
But, no, Jerrod got to have it all.
God, I did not wake up this morning thinking I would find out that my boy is engaged to a lesbian.
This does not make me a lesbian.
Are you sure, Maxine? 'Cause sometimes being a lesbian can lay dormant in your system for years, then it can come back on you out of nowhere, like an acid flashback.
Maxine, is this one of those silly things where you're trying to prove how open-minded you are? Last week, you tried the vegan diet.
This week, you've been with another woman.
You need to pick out your identity and stick with it! Jerrod? I can't control what they say.
So, y'all had a threesome on your three-year anniversary.
So, on the fourth, is it gonna be four people? Or what if you're together as long as Mom and Dad? 35 people? When does it end?! MAXINE: All right.
Everybody, get out of my apartment! - Joe, what's happening? - She allowed to do that? Maxine.
I liked you better when you were straight! And, Jerrod, I'm taking these towels.
And you'll never know what it's like to dry your ass like an Egyptian.
Then I guess I know when I'm not wanted.
Jerrod, congratulations on your threesome.
I couldn't be more proud of you if you were the first Carmichael to graduate from college.
And, Maxine shameful day all around.
Maxine, what's that about? You can't just throw my parents out.
Oh, well, maybe I wouldn't have to if you would just stand up for me.
What does that mean? Maxine.
What's wrong? Come on.
Come on, talk to me.
Look, I'm not a traditional woman who wants some big church wedding, I'm not sure that I ever want kids, and I will never have dinner waiting for you when you get home, but I do want you to just come to my rescue every once in a while.
Like, when your parents call me a whore.
That would be a great time for you to step up for me.
No one used that exact word.
Jerrod, look, you you challenge me intellectually, and you push me to try new things and you make me laugh, but, my God, are you bad with feelings.
And it's fine if you want to pretend like you don't have any, but I do.
And I need you to think about them.
And I don't want to have to tell you to do that.
Maxine, here's something that I don't think you realize about me: I am not a good boyfriend, okay? It doesn't mean that I don't love you.
It just means that, uh, I'm bad at it.
Jerrod, you're not gonna get out of this by trying to get me to lower my expectations.
I mean, why would I have agreed to marry you? Why would I stay in a relationship like that? I don't think you will okay? And, I don't know, sometimes that scares me.
Wait.
You think that I'm gonna break up with you? Why? Because I'm not a good boyfriend.
Isn't that what this whole fight is about? Well, maybe if you would just be a good boyfriend, you wouldn't have to be worried about me breaking up with you.
Well, we are in a real chicken-or-egg situation here, aren't we, Maxine? Look, you are a caring, compassionate, loving person.
When you want to be.
No, I'm not.
I'm beginning to worry that you don't know who I am.
Oh, God, yes, you are! I mean, Jerrod, I saw that person last night.
We were so in sync.
You knew everything that I wanted.
I mean, midway through, you just went and got me a bottle of sparkling water.
Yeah, 'cause I could tell you were thirsty.
And I was, and you knew that.
And, see, this is what I'm talking about.
Yeah, but that's different, Maxine.
A threesome is a very fragile, delicate situation.
If I weren't attentive to all your needs, that whole thing could've fallen apart.
So, why not be that guy all the time? Huh.
So you want me to live every day like we're in the middle of a threesome? If that's the only way for you to understand how to be a loving, compassionate person who thinks about my feelings, then, yeah, that's what I'm trying to say.
Okay, no, no, I hear you, Maxine, I hear you.
So, what you're saying is that this relationship isn't just about me.
Yes.
(chuckles) And you're saying that I should, like, pay attention to your needs, even in, like, regular, everyday situations.
Yes.
I really hope these aren't completely new thoughts for you.
You know what, Maxine? Come with me to my parents' house.
I need to go stand up for you.
I should've done that from the beginning, but I'm gonna show them another side of me.
I'm gonna show them Threesome Jerrod.
Boy, this analogy is really sticking, huh? Yeah, it's really clearing a lot of stuff up for me.
Oh.
Maxine, let's go.
But wear something nice 'cause we got to make a stop first.
But I promise it's gonna be romantic and really spontaneous.
Where are we going? All right, you guys, sit down and listen up.
You guys insulted Maxine, and you can't do that, okay? Because she has feelings, and her feelings are connected to my feelings.
I love this girl.
Last night, she gave me a threesome.
Do you know what that means to me? That means everything to me.
Jerrod, why do you keep bringing up this threesome? I am your mother.
This is disgusting.
Well, I'm feeling badly.
Maybe I took it a little too far when I called Maxine a lesbian and implied that she was a ho and whatnot.
We cool? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Joe, okay.
Jerrod, tell them the other thing.
Oh, yeah, that's right, my bad.
Maxine and I got married.
We just did it at the courthouse.
You got married?! At the courthouse, no wedding?! Nope.
My partner in threesomes has become my partner in life.
Now give us back our towels! Now, Dad, Mom No! Look, I consider myself pretty progressive, but what you guys have done in the last 12 hours is insane.
But hold on, now.
Did y'all really get married? Yeah.
Turns out all you got to do is pay $60 and sign something.
Yeah.
I'm Maxine North-Carmichael.
You hyphenated? Lord, even your name is a threesome! Well, this is not the way I expected my son to get married, but regardless, I'm happy.
All right, everybody, bring it in.
Welcome to the family, Maxine.
Aw, thank you.
Cynthia, come on, bring it in now.
Why? So y'all can try and have sex with me, too? No, thank you! Well, look, after yesterday's threesome, y'all wedding night is really gonna be a disappointment.
So does a threesome last twice as long or half as long? I'm not giving you any details, Bobby.
This is my wife we're talking about.
Did you do the thing where you, you know, you, like, grab the leg Okay, you know what, Bobby? Everything that you're imagining we did, we did, twice.
I hate you.
What? Look, sorry, I can't help it but to sound resentful.
But let me ask you something.
(clears throat) Is it weird that I can't stop picturing my brother having sex? Yes.
Yes, it is weird, Bobby.
Is it even weirder that I don't want to stop picturing it? Please leave my apartment.
Fine! I don't need this.
You know something? I bet you haven't pictured one time me having sex with that Asian chick.
And you know why? It's because you're selfish!