The Guild (2007) s03e12 Episode Script
Hero
You know when rabbits, or squirrels, or other prey-like animals are in danger, and they freeze, but inside you know they're totally freaked out, ready to dart at any moment or their little hearts will self-implode? That's what I was feeling when I realized that I was the only one left in that fight! I mean, how could life let that happen to me? Please, life! Don't do me any favors! I don't want to ever be the key to anything! We've got Codex, yes we do! We've got Codex, smell our poo! I can do this.
I can do this.
Oh, God, please don't make me do this! - He's charging! - Heal yourself, woman! Zaboo! My toes are still unstimulated! No, Riley.
Look, you got me killed, and now the Guild is gonna lose! Thanks, Zaboo! Oh, raising your voice to me? You just earned yourself a night locked in the clothes dryer.
Been there, not doing it again! I'm gonna be a man now and do what I shoulda done a long time ago.
Check my Tweet.
What? You're breaking up with me? Guys! Make important life decisions later! Did you mean to run into the tip of my sword like that? Codex, a monkey could see you should have Summoned a Divine Herald there! What are you doing? You're the monkey, Bladezz! Why they kept you in the Guild is a mystery to the world! The only mystery here is titled "The Case of the Asian Wallet Succubus!" - Inside voices for Codex! - Vork! Well, I can't believe you're making me quit after this.
Why do you hate the game so much? I don't hate the game! I do take offense at you kissing another man! That? You dredge up the oldest things! When are you gonna grow up? We have three children now! Why do I feel like sometimes it's four? Maybe because I'm pregnant! You're what? Everyone, shut up! Oh, my God! One hit point? No! She's flatlining! Hold on, Codex! Come on, Codex! Cyd Sherman! What is your problem? Other than talking to my own face? Oh, man.
I've lost it.
Thank goodness I don't have any pets to leave behind.
You're moving me like a total spazz! Stop playing me like I'm you! I am you! You wish.
Tell me, who am I? My fairy god-self? I'm who you are in-game, who you want to be.
Confident, in-charge, naturally wavy hair.
You're playing me like I'm Cyd: Twitchy, self-conscious, with the occasional cycle-linked pimple.
Hey, that has nothing to do with gaming.
Just relax and be me for a minute.
Reality is kicking your ass right now.
Okay.
Be Codex.
I can do that.
I guess.
Oh, and don't count on this ever happening again.
I kinda glossed over it, but you're pretty close to insanity right now.
I'm back! Shield, heal, spam heal, shield! My hair is naturally wavy.
Oh, no! No, no, no! No one breaks up with me.
I do the breaking.
Hearts, limbs, and not on Twitter! Yeah, well, I thought 140 characters was enough.
Hashtag "sweet burns".
What the? Subscrib'd! I am owning this feeling.
I am a holy goddess! You're a holy freak show! Okay, Bladezz.
I'm gonna confidently lay this on the table.
The only reason we're even here right now is because you and Tink were acting like total jerks! Well said, Codex.
And you! You should have done something when the Guild started falling apart! But all you've been doing is whining and wandering around in your creepy-ass van! I acknowledge your point.
I apologize.
Thank you.
Bladezz, your turn.
What? No way! She broke my heart! She made me get a job! If you liked me so much, how could you destroy me? I'm a man of impulse! I don't think crap through! Bladezz, just do it! - Bladezz! - Okay, I'll bite! Sorry! Fine! I'm kinda sorry too, so let's move on! - I'm glad we solved that.
- I hate you! As it should be! Stop with the advice column bullshit and finish her off! I'm getting eaten away with DOTs over here! Tainterballa has her jaws flapping and her hand up her ass! Did you just call me a taint? Yeah.
It's what we called you behind your back.
Tainterballa.
Tainterballa.
I didn't think this was possible, but you guys are too douche-y for me.
Codex, take me down.
What the fuck, Tink? Like you always say, "It's anarchy.
" That was a hell of a long kiss.
Tasted like chaos.
Kick banning this twerp and moving on.
- Riley.
- Venom.
Okay, all right.
That did not emasculate me one bit, ladies! Down, boy! I think the Knights of Good are good again.
Nice job, Codex.
Now strip the skin off his face.
Crit, Crit, Trinket Crit.
Boom.
Are you skull fucking me right now? You must be skull fucking me right now because I can feel it right here in this eye socket.
Oh, my God! I did it! We won! We really won! Yeah! What's happening? I owned him.
I'm sorry, but No, you know what? I am not sorry! I am confident! That you ate it! I assume your Guild will honor the agreement that we agreed upon? Yes.
Our Guild has been tainted enough.
Anarchists, game over.
Everyone has to have a taint.
It's anatomically required, so we rejoice in the presence of our taint.
Tink, welcome back.
Knights of Good, let's load up and head out.
We have an expansion to play! Clara, are you serious? We're having another baby? Well, see, at first it was a game to see how big my boobs would get until you noticed.
You know, soon I'll be playing out to here Or not, because I'm quitting.
I'm not gonna make you quit.
I just don't want it to be an excuse for you not to spend time with me.
Well, we can still play together.
And I'll get little laptops for the kids.
Not gonna happen.
Even though I was trying to destroy you by banging her, I really like your mom.
Is it okay if I still date her? Get those charges dropped, then I'll play it up a bit.
I'll say how nice it is to have a father figure around, or some crap like that.
You know what? Maybe we are kinda equals.
In your fucking dreams.
Hey, Tink! Hey, I just wanted to say that after that fight, I feel like I can relate to what happened to you more.
I mean, you really connected with your avatar, right? Maybe even talked to her? Talked to who? Your avatar? Codex, it's just a game.
Right.
Absolutely.
Nice work back there.
For a girl you're not a bad player.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
You know, you play something eight hours a day, you can't help but be a little Did he just grab your boob? Yes.
- Are you letting people do that now? - No! High five! Hey, look, I know you don't want to do me, and that's cool.
Actually, Riley kind of put me off women for quite some time.
Well, I'm glad you realized she wasn't good for you.
Alone.
I didn't want to have to rescue you again.
Rescue me? Whatever.
Really? Okay, I'll leave you a few ego chunks.
Oh, hey.
That's the first time you've smiled at me without looking like you were passing gas.
But you did it! We won, right? So I'm spanked, you got me.
So you, me: Drinks, 8:00 p.
m.
Renata's.
I'll see you there.
You're going to go out with that guy? Seriously? No! No! Absolutely not.
I can do this.
Oh, God, please don't make me do this! - He's charging! - Heal yourself, woman! Zaboo! My toes are still unstimulated! No, Riley.
Look, you got me killed, and now the Guild is gonna lose! Thanks, Zaboo! Oh, raising your voice to me? You just earned yourself a night locked in the clothes dryer.
Been there, not doing it again! I'm gonna be a man now and do what I shoulda done a long time ago.
Check my Tweet.
What? You're breaking up with me? Guys! Make important life decisions later! Did you mean to run into the tip of my sword like that? Codex, a monkey could see you should have Summoned a Divine Herald there! What are you doing? You're the monkey, Bladezz! Why they kept you in the Guild is a mystery to the world! The only mystery here is titled "The Case of the Asian Wallet Succubus!" - Inside voices for Codex! - Vork! Well, I can't believe you're making me quit after this.
Why do you hate the game so much? I don't hate the game! I do take offense at you kissing another man! That? You dredge up the oldest things! When are you gonna grow up? We have three children now! Why do I feel like sometimes it's four? Maybe because I'm pregnant! You're what? Everyone, shut up! Oh, my God! One hit point? No! She's flatlining! Hold on, Codex! Come on, Codex! Cyd Sherman! What is your problem? Other than talking to my own face? Oh, man.
I've lost it.
Thank goodness I don't have any pets to leave behind.
You're moving me like a total spazz! Stop playing me like I'm you! I am you! You wish.
Tell me, who am I? My fairy god-self? I'm who you are in-game, who you want to be.
Confident, in-charge, naturally wavy hair.
You're playing me like I'm Cyd: Twitchy, self-conscious, with the occasional cycle-linked pimple.
Hey, that has nothing to do with gaming.
Just relax and be me for a minute.
Reality is kicking your ass right now.
Okay.
Be Codex.
I can do that.
I guess.
Oh, and don't count on this ever happening again.
I kinda glossed over it, but you're pretty close to insanity right now.
I'm back! Shield, heal, spam heal, shield! My hair is naturally wavy.
Oh, no! No, no, no! No one breaks up with me.
I do the breaking.
Hearts, limbs, and not on Twitter! Yeah, well, I thought 140 characters was enough.
Hashtag "sweet burns".
What the? Subscrib'd! I am owning this feeling.
I am a holy goddess! You're a holy freak show! Okay, Bladezz.
I'm gonna confidently lay this on the table.
The only reason we're even here right now is because you and Tink were acting like total jerks! Well said, Codex.
And you! You should have done something when the Guild started falling apart! But all you've been doing is whining and wandering around in your creepy-ass van! I acknowledge your point.
I apologize.
Thank you.
Bladezz, your turn.
What? No way! She broke my heart! She made me get a job! If you liked me so much, how could you destroy me? I'm a man of impulse! I don't think crap through! Bladezz, just do it! - Bladezz! - Okay, I'll bite! Sorry! Fine! I'm kinda sorry too, so let's move on! - I'm glad we solved that.
- I hate you! As it should be! Stop with the advice column bullshit and finish her off! I'm getting eaten away with DOTs over here! Tainterballa has her jaws flapping and her hand up her ass! Did you just call me a taint? Yeah.
It's what we called you behind your back.
Tainterballa.
Tainterballa.
I didn't think this was possible, but you guys are too douche-y for me.
Codex, take me down.
What the fuck, Tink? Like you always say, "It's anarchy.
" That was a hell of a long kiss.
Tasted like chaos.
Kick banning this twerp and moving on.
- Riley.
- Venom.
Okay, all right.
That did not emasculate me one bit, ladies! Down, boy! I think the Knights of Good are good again.
Nice job, Codex.
Now strip the skin off his face.
Crit, Crit, Trinket Crit.
Boom.
Are you skull fucking me right now? You must be skull fucking me right now because I can feel it right here in this eye socket.
Oh, my God! I did it! We won! We really won! Yeah! What's happening? I owned him.
I'm sorry, but No, you know what? I am not sorry! I am confident! That you ate it! I assume your Guild will honor the agreement that we agreed upon? Yes.
Our Guild has been tainted enough.
Anarchists, game over.
Everyone has to have a taint.
It's anatomically required, so we rejoice in the presence of our taint.
Tink, welcome back.
Knights of Good, let's load up and head out.
We have an expansion to play! Clara, are you serious? We're having another baby? Well, see, at first it was a game to see how big my boobs would get until you noticed.
You know, soon I'll be playing out to here Or not, because I'm quitting.
I'm not gonna make you quit.
I just don't want it to be an excuse for you not to spend time with me.
Well, we can still play together.
And I'll get little laptops for the kids.
Not gonna happen.
Even though I was trying to destroy you by banging her, I really like your mom.
Is it okay if I still date her? Get those charges dropped, then I'll play it up a bit.
I'll say how nice it is to have a father figure around, or some crap like that.
You know what? Maybe we are kinda equals.
In your fucking dreams.
Hey, Tink! Hey, I just wanted to say that after that fight, I feel like I can relate to what happened to you more.
I mean, you really connected with your avatar, right? Maybe even talked to her? Talked to who? Your avatar? Codex, it's just a game.
Right.
Absolutely.
Nice work back there.
For a girl you're not a bad player.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
You know, you play something eight hours a day, you can't help but be a little Did he just grab your boob? Yes.
- Are you letting people do that now? - No! High five! Hey, look, I know you don't want to do me, and that's cool.
Actually, Riley kind of put me off women for quite some time.
Well, I'm glad you realized she wasn't good for you.
Alone.
I didn't want to have to rescue you again.
Rescue me? Whatever.
Really? Okay, I'll leave you a few ego chunks.
Oh, hey.
That's the first time you've smiled at me without looking like you were passing gas.
But you did it! We won, right? So I'm spanked, you got me.
So you, me: Drinks, 8:00 p.
m.
Renata's.
I'll see you there.
You're going to go out with that guy? Seriously? No! No! Absolutely not.