The Simpsons s03e12 Episode Script

## The Simpsons ## D'oh! ''Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test''? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand? But, Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe.
Okay, let's see.
''Ahoy, mateys.
''If the water turns blue, a baby for you.
''If purple ye see, no baby thar be.
'' Well, what color is it-- blue or purple? Pink.
D'oh! ''If a test should fail to a doctor set sail.
'' I guess I better go see Dr.
Hibbert.
Oh, honey do you really think you're pregnant? I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I did with the other kids.
And I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always get.
I'll let you know.
Homer, how come Mom's going to the doctor? Is anything wrong? Everything's fine.
Your mother, uh just broke her leg.
I smell a bun in the oven.
Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad? Maybe.
- Whoa! - Hey, all right! Way to go! You're a machine, Homer.
Did you hear that, Maggie? Another baby in the house.
Oh, cool.
We can race 'em.
Sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games.
For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.
Doesn't Mom do that? Yeah, but I hear about it.
Were you like this when Mom was pregnant with me? I threw up more than your mother.
It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the '80s.
Those were idealistic days-- The candidacy ofJohn Anderson, the rise of Supertramp.
It was an exciting time to be young.
For several years I'd been dating your mother and working at the local fun center.
Homer, you turn the blades too fast.
The golfers are complaining.
Slow down! That's better.
Ah, beautiful.
Keep this up and someday you'll be the guy who hands out the putters.
Yes, sir! I was 2 4 years old with a beautiful girlfriend and a job with a future.
You're supposed to be listening to my story! I thought it was over.
You had a problem turning blades.
You overcame it.
The feel-good story of the year.
It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans.
We watch an appalling amount ofTV.
Don't you ever, ever talk that way about television.
You lousy, ungrateful can't-keep-their, what-do-you-call-it minds-on-any, uh Okay, girls, you can smoke now.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
It's Homer! I don't know what you see in that ugly meatball.
Uh-huh.
If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy we could get a cat.
It would leave less hair on the couch.
You don't know Homer like I do.
He's sensitive and sweet.
Marge, get your butt out here.
! Mmm.
Homer, do you ever think about the future? You mean like will apes be our masters? No, how you plan to earn a living.
I can't imagine that job of yours is stimulating.
It gives me time to think.
What do you think about? Well, girls.
I mean boys! I mean you.
I think about you too.
Wow, what an ending.
Who would have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father? Well, thank you, Mr.
Blow-The-Picture-For-Me.
Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Oh, Homer.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
Actually, she was singing about God.
Oh, well, he's always happy.
No, wait, he's always mad.
Someday I'll buy you a real castle.
You don't have to do that.
Whoo, good.
Homer, maybe it's the Champale talking but I think you're pretty sexy.
Really? It must be the Champale talking.
Oh, Homer, what if we get caught? Don't worry.
This castle is impregnable.
Pass the cookie dough.
Dust off your hula skirts, angels.
There's been a murder in Hawaii.
Hawaii, it is, Charlie.
Hello? Oh, hi, Marge.
I need you to drive me to the doctor, Homer.
Why, what's wrong? Well that unforgettable night we joined the castle club.
Oh.
Well, Miss Bouvier we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning.
Congratulations.
D'oh! Poor guy.
Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful.
''So You've Ruined Your Life.
'' Mmm.
Son, you've got to marry that girl.
Because it's honorable? No! Because you'll never do any better.
You lucky bum.
The fish jumped right in the boat.
All you got to do is whack her with the oar.
Marge, there's something I want to ask you but I'm afraid because if you say ''no'' it'll destroy me and make me a criminal.
I haven't said ''no'' to you lately.
Marge, I-- Damn it, where's that card? What card? I wrote down what I was going to say on a card.
Stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket.
Is this it? What's it say? ''Marge, from the first moment I saw you I never wanted to be with anyone else.
I don't have much to offer you except all my love.
Will you marry me?'' That's the card.
Oh, Homer this is the most beautiful moment of my life.
So, will you marry me? Yes! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Yeah, she's going to marry me! In your face, everybody! Whoo-hoo! If the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel? The baby's name will be Kool Moe Dee Simpson.
Ariel.
Kool Moe Dee.
- Ariel.
- Kool Moe Dee.
You know, I had this very same discussion with your mother ten years ago.
If the baby's a boy what do you think of the name Larry? We can't do that.
All the kids will call him Larry Fairy.
Well, how about Louis? They'll call him Screwy Louie.
- Bob? - Slob.
- Luke? - Puke.
- Marcus? - Mucus.
What about Bart? Let's see.
Bart, cart, dart, e-art-- Nope.
Can't see any problem with that.
Wow.
I'll take that ring.
And how will you be paying for it? I don't know.
Finally, the big day came.
We didn't have much money so we went to a quaint little chapel just across the state line.
Basic ceremony is 20 bucks.
Here's your license.
Get this punched every time.
The tenth wedding is on the house.
This marriage is gonna last forever.
No matter how many times I hear that it always makes me laugh.
Cletus, do you take Aileen to be your lawful wedded wife? Yup.
Done.
Next.
There certainly are a lot of stains on the ceiling.
Marge, I'm sorry.
I wish I could afford a better place.
Homer, I'd be lying if I said that this is how I pictured my wedding day but you are how I pictured my husband.
- I am? - You may not look like Ted Bessell but you're just as nice.
Ohhh.
We are gathered here in the sight of God and this casino to join-- Homer.
- And-- - Marge.
In holy matrimony.
Beautiful.
Do you, Marjorie Bouvier, take Homer Simpson to be your lawful wedded husband? I do.
Homer, same question, names reversed.
I do.
By the power vested in me by the state gaming commission I pronounce you man and wife.
Here's $1 0 worth of chips.
You may kiss the bride.
Next.
! Mmm.
What a perfect day.
Our first night together as man and wife.
Mmm.
Hey, love birds, keep it down.
Look what I got, Marge.
A baby monitor.
Baby to Marge.
Baby to Marge.
Wah! Wah! Over.
I don't know how we can afford these things on your salary.
Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant? I hear they pay pretty well.
I heard radiation can make you sterile.
Now you tell me.
We only have two openings so one of you will go home empty-handed.
But it won't be my old frat buddy Lou Collier.
How you doing, you old Alpha Tau? Smithers, you keg-meister, you.
- Uh-huh-huh, hey.
- Uh-huh-huh, hey.
Well, hey, I'm from the Alabama chapter.
Well, I'll be.
Let's get on with the testing.
If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us.
What would you say is your worst quality? I am a workaholic.
I push myself too hard.
It takes me a long time to learn anything.
I'm kind of a goof-off-- That will do.
Stuff starts disappearing-- That's enough.
There's a problem with the reactor.
What do you do? A problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! Run! Mmm mmm.
Did you get the job? Nah, they wanted someone good.
Story of my life.
Oh, Homey.
Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking.
Wow.
Kid, I won't let you down.
When you come out of there the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job.
Yeah.
The doctor.
and when ye tallow hardens, we remove it from yon mold.
What a crappy candle.
You've ruined our vacation.
You, gentle sir, are fired.
Oh! Oh, hello, young man.
Good evening, madam.
You have been selected by Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Never-Dull knife edge.
Here.
Shake hands with the Slash-Co.
Handle first, handle first.
Hmm.
I quit! I quit! I thought you said you liked dogs.
Hey! Who wants to get rich today? - Me! Me! - Me! Me! Me! Me! I said it first.
Let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about.
Our model is the trapezoid that guarantees each investor an 800% return within hours of your initial-- - Uh-oh! The cops! ''Fourth notice.
'' ''90 days overdue.
'' ''We break thumbs.
'' Homer, what are we going to do? I don't know.
I don't know.
Repo man.
I'm here for the baby's things.
Crib, mobile, monitor and the lady's ring, I'm afraid.
Oh, dear.
Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.
Dear Marge.
By the time you read this, I will be gone.
You deserve all the finest things and although I can give them to you they will be repossessed and I will be hunted down like a dog.
Also, it has become clear that your family doesn't want me here.
Shut up with that pen scratching down there.
I will send you every cent I earn for the baby but you will not see me again until I am a man.
That is so sad.
Oh, come on, honey.
You know how it turns out.
After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the responsible head of a household.
Can we have a can of frosting for lunch? Okay.
''You will not see me again until I am a man.
'' Oh, Homer Homer! We're all in shock.
I thought he'd two-time you for a while first.
This taco is full of hair.
Uh-huh.
There's your explanation.
Shall we tell Marge? Let her read about it in the society page.
Homer?! Oh.
Marge, listen, we just saw-- Don't be stupid.
Dear Marge, X-X-X-- Homer.
Big shots with their stainless steel lunch boxes.
They get doughnuts! That's right.
All the colors of the rainbow.
Wow.
Marge, what are you doing up? You need rest.
I heard a noise outside, and thought it might be Homer.
Ay! What the hell.
Marge, I've got 2½/ words for you.
Gulp 'n' Blow.
Yeah, what do you want? My husband by my side.
You want fries with that? Homer?! Marge?! Homer! Marge! Holy cow, you're as big as a house! Homer, come home with me.
No, Marge, I can't.
I mean, look at me.
I'm a trainee.
They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce.
And I can't buy you a decent wedding ring.
Any ring is fine, as long as it's from you.
Marge pour vous.
Oh! Would you mind if I took it off? The oil is burning my finger.
Oh, sure.
Homer, do you know why I married you? I knocked you up.
No, because I love you.
Come home soon.
That's it.
Come closer.
Ironic, isn't it? The hunter has become the hunted.
Oh, God, Smithers I feel so alive! You the boss? - Yes.
- I'll call Security.
Listen, Mr.
Big Shot if you're looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself I'm your man! Treat me like dirt-- I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream! If you don't like it, I can change! Hold the phone, Smithers.
I like your attitude.
Feisty, yet spineless.
This man failed the aptitude test and got trapped in a closet on his way out.
I don't care.
I haven't been this impressed since I first laid eyes on a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.
You mean? Welcome aboard, son.
I got the job.
I got the job! Whoo-hoo! Only in America could I get a job! Who was that young hellcat? Homer Simpson.
Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.
Marge, Marge! You're a little late.
She's gone to the hospital.
The hospital?! I'll drive you.
Thanks, Mom.
Don't ever call me that.
Where's the baby? Where you left it.
Shut up.
Listen, fat boy-- No, you listen.
This is my wife, and my kid.
I'm paying for this delivery.
If you wanna stay you give me some respect.
Homer, does this mean? Tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! Good God! Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna buy your ring back.
Doesn't your job start tomorrow? Somebody will cover for me.
Homer, that's Oh! Step aside.
I'll deliver this baby.
Why don't you let me handle it? Oh, a college boy, eh? Homer, let him deliver the baby! Homey, isn't he beautiful? As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes he's fine by me.
Oh, Bart! Daddy's little angel.
Ah! Why, you little! He did that on purpose! How could he? He's only ten minutes old.
Bart, Lisa, come here for a minute.
You know, son, the day you were born I received the greatest gift a man could have.
As the years went by your mother and I were blessed twice more and not a day goes by we don't thank God for all three of you.
Homer! I'm not pregnant! Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge! Yes!