Those Who Can't (2016) s03e12 Episode Script
Abbey's Road
1 Sure.
Whatever you have to keep telling yourself, bud.
Okay, Shoemaker, am I gonna have to do - the Binaca challenge again for you? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
10 shots under the tongue to prove it right now? - You wouldn't dare.
- Two shots is the recommended dose.
- You wouldn't dare.
- 10 is like a million times [SPRITZING.]
- [COUGHING.]
- Ohh! Wow! You barely got through that.
- But he did do it.
- Exactly.
So he's still our alpha.
Attention, mind molders! I have, uh, some rather unfortunate news.
God! Since the late Abbey Logan And I don't mean "late" as in dead.
I mean "late" as in dead to me Was the last of the last librarians, Smoot Library will be shut down.
What?! Well, what bathroom - are we supposed to shit in now? - Exactly.
Look, I had no choice, okay? Unless you know someone with an English degree willing to accept a salary of Bookmarks and paper cuts? $65,000! Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through I'm sorry, Quinn.
How much does a librarian make, again? I said $65,000! Okay, you think that second drink was a tad excessive? Quinn, I have an English degree.
I could totally be the librarian.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, that's not fair.
I-I could just go and get an English degree.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
You probably don't even know who William Carlos Williams is.
Who the hell is that? He's, like, a word guy they teach you about when you get an English degree, like I have.
Quinn, I could really use a fresh start, man.
Well, I'll tell you what.
You can fresh start immediately.
- Oh, come - Yes! Wait a minute.
You really think that's a good idea? Well, who better than a bona fide author to be our librarian? Exactly.
So it's settled.
I just can't believe that Abbey was making 15K a year more than us.
Why would she walk away from that kind of cash? We'll never know now because she left without saying goodbye.
Classic Abbey.
Man, I can see it now.
Loren Payton Flybrarian.
[EXHALES.]
Yeah.
Your spit juice is burning my eyes.
ABBEY: Okay.
Okay, ma'am, I'm gonna need you to breathe and tell me what's going on.
- I think I'm going into labor.
- Really?! Well, you better start walkin' 'cause this car is getting booted.
Nice try, pregs.
[AIR HORN BLOWS.]
Damn it, Red Zone, you're the first cadet to ace the pregnancy simulator test in the first try.
You are one sick, sick peach.
I love it! Thank you, sir! Sir, thank you! Normally, you'd be looking at about another five days in training, but we need someone like you out on the street.
So, Red Zone, here's your firearm.
And here's your printer.
[GASPS.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
You know, I took this library job because it was so lucrative, but I've been reading a lot of these shits and they're pretty good.
A lot of dangerous ideas in there.
- Super fascinating.
- Abbey's problem was that she did not make the library hip enough.
So I've divided the classics into sections designed to entice the kids.
I got "William S&M Burroughs" and "Suck My Dickens," after Charles Dickens, the very famous author.
Hey, why don't you go Faulkner yourself? [LAUGHS.]
That one, I got.
Okay, Shoemaker, I realize you're jealous of my recent cash windfall, but you're coming at me very hard.
So why don't you examine that and then dial it back? To your butt.
[LAUGHS.]
Now you're doing it? It just came out of my mouth.
Something feels very off about this entire thing.
Yeah.
You know, I noticed it, too, but I didn't want to say anything.
We were having so much fun at your expense, but it's like ever since you became librarian, you just matter less.
Like, way more less.
Okay, I think I see what's going on here.
With Abbey gone, our entire dynamic is off.
- Hmm.
- But I think I have an idea.
Although, first things first, "Go Faulkner Yourself" That's - What are you doing? - Nothing.
Are you gonna write down his joke like it's your joke? - What are you, a comic? - "His joke.
" I mean, I had a similar idea.
No, you never had that idea.
I just said it.
I was workshopping something Faulknerian.
You never workshopped ABBEY: Been thinking about you.
This new job has everything that's been missing from my life Respect, a sense of purpose, Vitamin "D.
" I never would have taken this leap without your support.
[CELLPHONE BLOOPS.]
PEN PAL: I've never felt such a connection to a person whose gender, ethnicity, economic status, hair color, eye color, favorite music, favorite food, and fondness or dislike of dogs is unknown.
Red heart.
Well, I do like dogs.
[CELLPHONE BLOOPS.]
You are naughty.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk Mm, yeah, that was pretty good, but let's try it again, but with more fire and more sass! Start grounded, then escalate.
Broader.
Broader! Don't be afraid to use the space.
Okay, good, good.
That's the type of stuff we'll say when somebody actually comes in for an audition.
By the way, what's going on with your hair? Oh, I'm trying out a new product.
- It's Tom's of Maine.
- Really? 'Cause you look like Douche of Vermont.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's good, because Vermont's also in New England, - so it's like a lateral diss.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS.]
You guys got time for one more? No, we're at dingbat capacity.
Go somewhere else.
Come on.
We just need a punching bag, Shoemaker.
- No, we don't.
- Come back in, Quinnsby! [DOOR OPENS.]
Yeah? - "Quinnsby"? - Yeah.
- What are you? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I hope you guys don't mind if I perhaps ad-lib! - You're not an actor.
- Go for it.
I'd prefer if you'd just read the lines.
QUINN: As your new best friend, what I can offer you is accompaniment to the "Epileptic Light Ray" Wednesdays at the roller rink, or even tickle fights.
Who doesn't love a really good tickle fight? Also, I'm willing to attend any sporting event of your choosing, and I'll also do chest bumps.
But I want to be very clear I bruise like a peach.
- You're jumping into me.
- Okay, thank you so much.
Can I go again from the top? - No! No, no, no.
- No, thank you.
That was That was great.
Just give us a second, if you could, so we can talk.
Please step back.
Thank you so much.
Okay, yeah, I'm out, 'cause I already want to choke the shit out of him.
Yeah, since the paper rip.
I'd like to see it again, but louder and broader.
Just a bigger performance.
Look, we don't have to like him.
I just need somebody that We need somebody that we can constantly ridicule, like Abbey.
What am I? Chopped liver? No, I mean somebody that gets the jokes and is hurt by them.
- Oh! - Right? [CHUCKLES.]
Like, picture it.
We're at lunch, Quinn starts talking about principal BS, and then all of a sudden, it's just Riff City, USA Population 3.
Elevation 420-69.
[LAUGHS.]
So you're saying that there's a city in the Continental US - called Riff City - Riff City, USA.
That is situated at 42,069 feet above sea level? And only three people live there? Yeah, well, there's not a lot of oxygen to go around.
If I go along with this ridiculous idea of letting Quinn into our gang, can you promise me that you will never speak of Riff City, USA, like, ever again? No, I won't need to speak about it.
We'll be living in it, brah.
No, no, no, I'm asking Welcome to the gang, Quinn! [LAUGHS.]
Thank you so much! Now that we're a quartet again, I've got a surprise A sneak peek of the new library AKA Book City, USA! It's a totally different city from Riff City.
And, unlike Abbey, I understand that drawing dicks is an important part of student-library culture.
That's why I gave the students a safe space to do exactly that.
It's like a graffiti wall in the inner city.
Nothing condescending about that, huh, guys? Hmm.
Ooh, favorite part Loren's Picks For your more discerning reader.
FAIRBELL: Oh, wow! So Joseph Heller didn't stay on for "Catch 27"? Nope, couldn't get him.
Oscar Something did this one.
Pretty cool, right? - No.
- It's really exciting.
I'll I'll be sure to pop back in next time I want to take a snooze cruise.
[SNORTS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Right, guys? - Yeah, that was kind of a diss.
- [IMITATES GUNSHOTS FIRING.]
Yeah.
No, I thought so.
Yeah.
Well, anyways, I'll catch you guys later.
I, uh I got to go deal with some principal BS.
Been there.
Yeah, well, I've got to go.
I don't have to go.
I want to go.
Well, guys, wait up for me.
Snooze cruise.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's a scorcher.
Wait up, sillies.
Fairbell, you weren't at the flag pole, waiting for me, like usual.
Oh.
I didn't even think about it.
Hey, I've been thinking that this Quinn thing's not really working out, you know? He doesn't seem to be fitting in.
Actually, I think he's fitting in quite swimmingly.
Really? Ohh, check it out! I just won $76 for parking in a residential zone.
Read it and weep.
- It's a parking ticket, turkey dick! - [SCOFFS.]
I got one, too.
There he goes, right there.
It's that stupid, little tricycle thing! - Hey! Hey, you! Stop! - Wait up! You're not gonna outrun us! Stop that car! Hey! - Whoa.
- Stop! [DASHBOARD CHIRPS, ENGINE STOPS.]
- Hey, Abbey! - Abbey! - What? - You're a meter maid? Uh, it's Parking Enforcement Officer, thank you very much.
I see you boys got my card.
- Yeah.
- You're responsible for this? Look, I was just doing my job.
If you're gonna park illegally, you're gonna get a ticket.
Well, how come we're the only ones that got tickets, then? Well, that's an officer's discretion.
But if it does happen to be a carefully crafted, perfectly timed revenge, then so be it.
- [SCOFFS.]
Come on.
- [DASHBOARD BEEPS.]
Have fun at shitty, old Smoot, boys.
I'm off to my new life.
So long, Sucktown! Hey, I'll have you know we're doing pretty good without you, fake cop! [LAUGHS.]
SHOEMAKER: Yeah, that's right! 'Cause you've already been replaced - Uh-huh! By Quinn! - by Loren! - "By Loren"? - Stupid.
Well SERGEANT COBB: Hey, Red Zone.
I heard you ticketed 14 Mongol Harleys outside the Piper Inn.
What, do you have a death wish? They were more than one foot away from the curb, sir.
You know, normally, I don't pry into the dark roads that led people here, but it seems like you were forged from the fires of hell.
Thank you, sir.
Well, to be honest, I was the librarian at Smoot High School.
Jesus H.
Christ.
I actually liked a lot of the job, but my friends turned out to be big dicks.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm usually cut off by now.
Let me tell you something.
Out here in the streets, we listen to one another.
So, good talk.
Now get home to your family.
Well, I don't have a family, sir.
I was hoping that I could pick up a few extra shifts.
Let me tell you something, Red Zone, you need to pump the brakes.
Don't make the same mistake I made and give your life to this stupid job.
Yes, sir.
There's got to be somebody.
There is someone I'm interested in, but it's against the site rules for us to meet in person.
God damn it, Red Zone! [MUG SHATTERS.]
Let me tell you something.
Scars On the outside, that's one thing! But scars on the inside Those are scars that never heal! Sarge, I'm not sure your outside scar healed that well, either.
Ah shit, is that bleeding again? Ah, what the shit.
Oh, God.
How 'bout we break those rules and take this to the next level? [CELLPHONE BLOOPS.]
Here goes.
I'm male.
Yes! Let's meet in person! [CELLPHONE BLOOPS.]
Hmm Of course, I only paid for a water, but that's not what I got.
I went with some soda.
[LAUGHS.]
I was there.
I saw it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Tammy! Sorry, but we have a little policy over here - Bros before - You better think about it before you finish that sentence.
Well, you didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say bros before Tammys.
Why don't you go sit somewhere else? - Bye-bye! - Bye! [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Ahh! Funny stuff.
[CHUCKLES.]
Speaking of funny, I was watching Jimmy Fallon last night.
[LAUGHING.]
He brings the guest out.
It's somebody famous, and he was singing his famous song from the movie, but they were spoofing it.
Anyway, for my money, that guy is giving the system the business.
Wow.
When did you start wearing self-tucking shirts? [SNICKERING.]
Yeah, dad! [LAUGHTER.]
Why don't you go find a golf game to golf at? [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
You know, I'm the keeper of the books now.
So it's important that I look professional! [SNICKERS.]
Next thing we know, he's gonna start freezing his eggs.
QUINN: Ha! Ha! Ha! FAIRBELL: [LAUGHS.]
Old eggs for dinner.
That was an Abbey joke, Fairbell.
Oh.
[COUGHS.]
Six! [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
[COUGHING.]
Seven! Come on, Loren! [CRYING.]
You're not dope anymore! You got three more minutes, then you got to move this thing.
I'll just move right along, officer.
I'm sorry.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Oh.
Hi, Abbey.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God, are you doing that breath-spray thing in here? Alone? That is so sad! Yeah, right.
You're just jealous 'cause you could never get past six.
And you're crying in your car just like I used to.
Hey, it's not so easy being a librarian loser, is it? Like your life is so much better.
Actually, it is.
I have a date tomorrow, and he's gonna be waiting for me with a red rose.
- Oh, my God! - I know! Like "You've Got Mail"? That is so sweet.
Mm-hmm.
I know! Oh, look at that.
Just over.
Are you seriously giving me a ticket right now, Abbey?! What the shit?! By the way, you know, you're a librarian now.
You can afford a nicer car.
[TAPS ON DOOR.]
Actually Boys are comin' together [IMITATES GUITAR RIFF.]
You aren't leaving, are you? Uh, I am, warden.
Gonna go meet the boys for happy hour, probably shoot some BB guns at some stuff.
Yeah, but we had a meeting at 1:30.
We were gonna discuss the upcoming CSTs.
I don't even know what a CKLT is.
Colorado Standardized Testing? No.
Quinn, these scores determine our funding.
Well, if they're so important, why don't you guys get together and write a little think piece about it.
I'm gonna go ahead and get off this snooze cruise.
I'm outta here.
QUINN: And Steven was all like, [WHINING.]
"But I made an appointment! What an asshole! - Yeah.
- You sound just like him.
- Oh, man.
- Hi, Steven.
I do impressions.
[LAUGHS.]
[HORN HONKS.]
Oh my God.
Hey, dudes.
Huh? Pretty dang tight, right? Yeah, I found this thing on the gambling-debt section of Craigslist.
I figure, with all the extra cash I'm making, it's probably time for an upgrade.
Yeah, you were about two cups of chamomile and one blazer away from going full Sweens.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's good.
That's a good one.
Looks like you're driving a go-kart, but dumb and stupid.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Let's go, guys.
[LAUGHS.]
Where are you going? Can Can I come? Hey, how about we text you when we get there? Wow, it feels so good to be on this end of one of those.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Gee whiz.
Wow, a gently-used '97 in school-bus yellow.
Yes! Exactly! God, I don't know what those guys' problem is.
This is a cool car for a cool dude.
Vroom, vroom.
Am I right? It's "Zoom, zoom.
" Miata poser.
It's "Zoom.
" God QUINN: Later, dillweed! - See you tomorrow, Loren.
- Whoo-hoo! FAIRBELL: Oh, trash can! [CRASH, TIRES SQUEAL.]
[SHOEMAKER LAUGHS.]
I'm hurt.
Oh, my God.
I am becoming Abbey.
Oh, so your refrigerator is running.
Well, then, why don't you go catch it, then, gravel nuts? [LAUGHTER.]
And he'll never know it's us! STEVEN: [MUFFLED.]
I do know it's you.
I'm writing down everything you say, Quinn.
- Shh! - Quiet, wall.
We're trying to prank-call Steven.
Listen, Quinn, I've been doing some thinking, and I want my old job back.
Well, I'd love to help you, but I don't want to.
And I'd ask him to help you, but I don't care.
God, look at you two.
Following Quinn around? This is pathetic.
Our whole dynamic is off.
We need Abbey back.
- Nice try, but that ship has sailed.
- Yeah.
It was a snooze cruise, and you were the captain.
- Toot-toot.
- [LAUGHS.]
I can't believe how much mileage I'm getting off "snooze cruise.
" Jesus.
You see, Quinnsby is the new leader of this gaggle, and he's not going anywhere.
We don't even need Abbey.
Tell you what If fancy pants here wants to run back to Spanish class, he's welcome to it.
We will just go into the library and turn it into something else.
- Adios, amigo.
- Oh, a man cave? We'll be man-cave men.
- Don't touch me.
- No! You can't turn it into a man cave.
Abbey and I have done a lot of work on that library.
Oh, yeah? Well, we're probably gonna put a lot of work into taking it all down.
- Yeah, we are.
- Come on, boys.
- [SNICKERS.]
- Move your leg.
Move your leg.
- Sorry.
- Hey, I want to be clear.
SHOEMAKER: If you keep calling yourself Quinnsby, I don't want to be a part of this anymore.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[MUSIC DIES.]
Oh, man.
Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! Are you Red Zone, the the hot-shot new meter maid? Parking Enforcement Officer.
It is amazing to meet you.
I mean [LAUGHING.]
you're my money maker.
And you're You're Mayor Gil Nash.
Thanks to you, all my unfunded projects are back on the table.
I mean, suck my spurs, city council.
I'll tell you what How about I name the new all-kill animal shelter after you? Don't name it that or build that.
You know what, I-I-I-I've got to go.
I've got a job to quit.
But, hey, hang on.
Wait, wait.
Um, do I have any, like, stem stuff in my teeth? I-I'm meeting my soul mate.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[CHAIN RATTLING.]
Sir.
Sir, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, but I'm quitting.
I-I-I can't walk the streets making money for Gil Nash.
- I don't accept your resignation.
- [SIGHS.]
Mayors They come and go in this city, but parking enforcement We endure.
You think I agree with every mayor I've worked under in this city? Hell no.
But I tough it out, Red Zone.
That's why you're the best, sir.
But I can't bring myself to raise money for boob taxes and kill shelters.
I'm afraid this is goodbye.
[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING.]
This is like watching an eagle turn in her wings.
- [CHUCKLES SADLY.]
- Where will you go from here? Some place where I can make a positive difference in society.
I don't know where that is yet, but I'm gonna find it.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
I'd probably cry if I didn't have my goddamn tear ducts ripped out.
[SIGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, I thought that'd get your attention.
I don't care, Loren.
I quit parking enforcement.
Really?! That's great! You can come back to Smoot now.
Why would I come back to Smoot? 'Cause it's a-a great job and it's got good benefits and that that weird foreign exchange student's still there.
- He's funny.
- [LAUGHING.]
Oh [SCOFFS.]
Because we need you, Abbey.
Because I need you.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I didn't realize how much being a librarian ruins your social status.
I thought leaving the library would fix things, but our dynamic's just jacked up.
Loren, I-I've got a résumé to fabricate.
I can't get involved in your juvenile bullshit.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah? Well, Quinn's turning the library into a man cave.
[SPUTTERS.]
Excuse me?! Yeah, he's already ordered the Fatheads and everything.
- Ohh! - Okay.
I feel like that second one was a little bit excessive.
Well, we've got to stop Quinn! That's what I'm saying! Let's go.
Come on.
- Miss.
- Sweet.
Oh! You know what I've always hated about books? They're so heavy.
QUINN: Once we get all the books cleared out, we can maybe get a pool table in here.
That's gonna go so good with our Fatheads! - I love those things.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Geoffrey? - No, I want lemonlime.
- Lemon-lime.
- Oh, oh.
Sorry, sorry.
And, uh, you know what? From here on out, it's Jeff.
And I know we're just saying it so you can't tell, but I'm saying it with a "J.
" - I can tell.
I can tell.
- Quinn?! Quinn, what the shit?! What are you doing to my library?! No, no, no! You can't come back! You won't come back! - Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
- Yes.
Yeah.
Isn't there a melanoma missing its redhead right about now? [SNICKERING.]
Hey, it is not her fault that her skin is translucent.
Two losers are teaming up.
- [SNORTS.]
- Losers! Okay, there is no drinking on school property! - Hey! - What are you doing?! - Abbey, no! - What? I have finally climbed to the top of this very confusing social structure at this school, okay?! - I'm the new Loren.
- No.
Loren's the new you.
Shoemaker and Fairbell are essentially the same, but what I'm saying is there's no one else for you to be, okay? I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I've got this cool-guy thing dialed in.
Then you probably would have zero problem taking, I don't know, 10 shots of cinnamon Binaca Directly underneath your tongue right now.
You don't owe anything to this guy, J.
Yeah, let's go outside.
Let's go TP a house.
- Let's get out of here.
- Let's go TP a house.
I'm sorry, Geoffrey.
Are you gonna let your girlfriends do all the talking for you, or are you gonna step right up and prove how cool you are? - Let's go TP a house.
- My name is Jeff with a "J"! I could do 10 pumps in my sleep.
Yeah, he can.
Obviously, someone else would have to do the pumping I'll be sleeping.
Just prove it.
One.
[SPRITZES.]
[SCREAMS.]
- Geez! - Ohh! Aah! - The pain! - Yeah.
It's in my lungs! Fairbell, count.
No way.
7, 3, 2.
[SPRITZING.]
- Come on.
- Shoemaker, count.
I'm on three.
- I was on the spot.
- 4, 5, 6 - [COUGHING.]
- 7, 8, 9 No way.
One more.
- [COUGHS.]
- 10! He did it! [LAUGHS.]
- He's back! - I am a cinnamon god! - Whoo! - Wow.
Yeah, that's right, Jeff with a "J.
" Looks like King Shit just got re-elected President of Riff City.
[SNICKERING.]
Okay, so, in this scenario now Yeah.
A monarch, during a general election, was elected president of a city.
On top of the biggest goddamn mountain you ever climbed, bro! Elevation 420-69! I have definitely missed a few days.
And as for you, Geoffrey, I think it's time for you to turn in your little flannel.
Ohh! Aah! How long was I gone? And where are my glasses? Oh, yeah, your glasses.
Yeah, you smashed them when you took us to that rock quarry to just, well, smash stuff.
Okay, maybe we all got a little too far away from ourselves there, all right? LOREN: Yeah.
And, Abbey, maybe we do need you.
So, what do you say? Will you come back? Yeah.
Okay.
But there's one last thing I need to do.
Well, I hope it's not tear down this man cave.
- 'Cause this rules.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Right? You two have outdone yourselves.
Man, how awesome is this? Look at how hot this chick is.
You're gonna be so disappointed.
- Boner alert.
- Let's take this all down.
TOGETHER: 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11! - Jesus! - Ohh! - Oh, my God! - New record! SHOEMAKER: Wow! Whoa! [LAUGHING.]
- Wow, Abbey! - Yeah! Red Zone just got elected the new Duchess of Riff Raff County, boys! SHOEMAKER: Wow! So, in this scenario, a duchess was - Shut up, Shoemaker.
- Fair enough.
Welcome back, Queen Bee.
Thank you.
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool.
S-S-So [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Mistakes were made, and I guess we all did some things we probably regret.
So I didn't.
STEVEN: Yeah, just you.
You acted like an immature child, Geoffrey.
Mm-hmm.
And can I assume that was your feces I found on my doorstep? Okay, well, you cannot prove that.
It's at the lab right now.
I'm at my wits' end.
I may have to speak with district management.
Okay, well, now, that vaguely sounds like a threat.
It's not vague at all.
It's a direct threat.
And it it is directed at me? Yes.
[BREATHES SHAKILY.]
I've been to prison twice.
Whatever you have to keep telling yourself, bud.
Okay, Shoemaker, am I gonna have to do - the Binaca challenge again for you? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
10 shots under the tongue to prove it right now? - You wouldn't dare.
- Two shots is the recommended dose.
- You wouldn't dare.
- 10 is like a million times [SPRITZING.]
- [COUGHING.]
- Ohh! Wow! You barely got through that.
- But he did do it.
- Exactly.
So he's still our alpha.
Attention, mind molders! I have, uh, some rather unfortunate news.
God! Since the late Abbey Logan And I don't mean "late" as in dead.
I mean "late" as in dead to me Was the last of the last librarians, Smoot Library will be shut down.
What?! Well, what bathroom - are we supposed to shit in now? - Exactly.
Look, I had no choice, okay? Unless you know someone with an English degree willing to accept a salary of Bookmarks and paper cuts? $65,000! Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through I'm sorry, Quinn.
How much does a librarian make, again? I said $65,000! Okay, you think that second drink was a tad excessive? Quinn, I have an English degree.
I could totally be the librarian.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, that's not fair.
I-I could just go and get an English degree.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
You probably don't even know who William Carlos Williams is.
Who the hell is that? He's, like, a word guy they teach you about when you get an English degree, like I have.
Quinn, I could really use a fresh start, man.
Well, I'll tell you what.
You can fresh start immediately.
- Oh, come - Yes! Wait a minute.
You really think that's a good idea? Well, who better than a bona fide author to be our librarian? Exactly.
So it's settled.
I just can't believe that Abbey was making 15K a year more than us.
Why would she walk away from that kind of cash? We'll never know now because she left without saying goodbye.
Classic Abbey.
Man, I can see it now.
Loren Payton Flybrarian.
[EXHALES.]
Yeah.
Your spit juice is burning my eyes.
ABBEY: Okay.
Okay, ma'am, I'm gonna need you to breathe and tell me what's going on.
- I think I'm going into labor.
- Really?! Well, you better start walkin' 'cause this car is getting booted.
Nice try, pregs.
[AIR HORN BLOWS.]
Damn it, Red Zone, you're the first cadet to ace the pregnancy simulator test in the first try.
You are one sick, sick peach.
I love it! Thank you, sir! Sir, thank you! Normally, you'd be looking at about another five days in training, but we need someone like you out on the street.
So, Red Zone, here's your firearm.
And here's your printer.
[GASPS.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
You know, I took this library job because it was so lucrative, but I've been reading a lot of these shits and they're pretty good.
A lot of dangerous ideas in there.
- Super fascinating.
- Abbey's problem was that she did not make the library hip enough.
So I've divided the classics into sections designed to entice the kids.
I got "William S&M Burroughs" and "Suck My Dickens," after Charles Dickens, the very famous author.
Hey, why don't you go Faulkner yourself? [LAUGHS.]
That one, I got.
Okay, Shoemaker, I realize you're jealous of my recent cash windfall, but you're coming at me very hard.
So why don't you examine that and then dial it back? To your butt.
[LAUGHS.]
Now you're doing it? It just came out of my mouth.
Something feels very off about this entire thing.
Yeah.
You know, I noticed it, too, but I didn't want to say anything.
We were having so much fun at your expense, but it's like ever since you became librarian, you just matter less.
Like, way more less.
Okay, I think I see what's going on here.
With Abbey gone, our entire dynamic is off.
- Hmm.
- But I think I have an idea.
Although, first things first, "Go Faulkner Yourself" That's - What are you doing? - Nothing.
Are you gonna write down his joke like it's your joke? - What are you, a comic? - "His joke.
" I mean, I had a similar idea.
No, you never had that idea.
I just said it.
I was workshopping something Faulknerian.
You never workshopped ABBEY: Been thinking about you.
This new job has everything that's been missing from my life Respect, a sense of purpose, Vitamin "D.
" I never would have taken this leap without your support.
[CELLPHONE BLOOPS.]
PEN PAL: I've never felt such a connection to a person whose gender, ethnicity, economic status, hair color, eye color, favorite music, favorite food, and fondness or dislike of dogs is unknown.
Red heart.
Well, I do like dogs.
[CELLPHONE BLOOPS.]
You are naughty.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk Mm, yeah, that was pretty good, but let's try it again, but with more fire and more sass! Start grounded, then escalate.
Broader.
Broader! Don't be afraid to use the space.
Okay, good, good.
That's the type of stuff we'll say when somebody actually comes in for an audition.
By the way, what's going on with your hair? Oh, I'm trying out a new product.
- It's Tom's of Maine.
- Really? 'Cause you look like Douche of Vermont.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's good, because Vermont's also in New England, - so it's like a lateral diss.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS.]
You guys got time for one more? No, we're at dingbat capacity.
Go somewhere else.
Come on.
We just need a punching bag, Shoemaker.
- No, we don't.
- Come back in, Quinnsby! [DOOR OPENS.]
Yeah? - "Quinnsby"? - Yeah.
- What are you? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I hope you guys don't mind if I perhaps ad-lib! - You're not an actor.
- Go for it.
I'd prefer if you'd just read the lines.
QUINN: As your new best friend, what I can offer you is accompaniment to the "Epileptic Light Ray" Wednesdays at the roller rink, or even tickle fights.
Who doesn't love a really good tickle fight? Also, I'm willing to attend any sporting event of your choosing, and I'll also do chest bumps.
But I want to be very clear I bruise like a peach.
- You're jumping into me.
- Okay, thank you so much.
Can I go again from the top? - No! No, no, no.
- No, thank you.
That was That was great.
Just give us a second, if you could, so we can talk.
Please step back.
Thank you so much.
Okay, yeah, I'm out, 'cause I already want to choke the shit out of him.
Yeah, since the paper rip.
I'd like to see it again, but louder and broader.
Just a bigger performance.
Look, we don't have to like him.
I just need somebody that We need somebody that we can constantly ridicule, like Abbey.
What am I? Chopped liver? No, I mean somebody that gets the jokes and is hurt by them.
- Oh! - Right? [CHUCKLES.]
Like, picture it.
We're at lunch, Quinn starts talking about principal BS, and then all of a sudden, it's just Riff City, USA Population 3.
Elevation 420-69.
[LAUGHS.]
So you're saying that there's a city in the Continental US - called Riff City - Riff City, USA.
That is situated at 42,069 feet above sea level? And only three people live there? Yeah, well, there's not a lot of oxygen to go around.
If I go along with this ridiculous idea of letting Quinn into our gang, can you promise me that you will never speak of Riff City, USA, like, ever again? No, I won't need to speak about it.
We'll be living in it, brah.
No, no, no, I'm asking Welcome to the gang, Quinn! [LAUGHS.]
Thank you so much! Now that we're a quartet again, I've got a surprise A sneak peek of the new library AKA Book City, USA! It's a totally different city from Riff City.
And, unlike Abbey, I understand that drawing dicks is an important part of student-library culture.
That's why I gave the students a safe space to do exactly that.
It's like a graffiti wall in the inner city.
Nothing condescending about that, huh, guys? Hmm.
Ooh, favorite part Loren's Picks For your more discerning reader.
FAIRBELL: Oh, wow! So Joseph Heller didn't stay on for "Catch 27"? Nope, couldn't get him.
Oscar Something did this one.
Pretty cool, right? - No.
- It's really exciting.
I'll I'll be sure to pop back in next time I want to take a snooze cruise.
[SNORTS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Right, guys? - Yeah, that was kind of a diss.
- [IMITATES GUNSHOTS FIRING.]
Yeah.
No, I thought so.
Yeah.
Well, anyways, I'll catch you guys later.
I, uh I got to go deal with some principal BS.
Been there.
Yeah, well, I've got to go.
I don't have to go.
I want to go.
Well, guys, wait up for me.
Snooze cruise.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's a scorcher.
Wait up, sillies.
Fairbell, you weren't at the flag pole, waiting for me, like usual.
Oh.
I didn't even think about it.
Hey, I've been thinking that this Quinn thing's not really working out, you know? He doesn't seem to be fitting in.
Actually, I think he's fitting in quite swimmingly.
Really? Ohh, check it out! I just won $76 for parking in a residential zone.
Read it and weep.
- It's a parking ticket, turkey dick! - [SCOFFS.]
I got one, too.
There he goes, right there.
It's that stupid, little tricycle thing! - Hey! Hey, you! Stop! - Wait up! You're not gonna outrun us! Stop that car! Hey! - Whoa.
- Stop! [DASHBOARD CHIRPS, ENGINE STOPS.]
- Hey, Abbey! - Abbey! - What? - You're a meter maid? Uh, it's Parking Enforcement Officer, thank you very much.
I see you boys got my card.
- Yeah.
- You're responsible for this? Look, I was just doing my job.
If you're gonna park illegally, you're gonna get a ticket.
Well, how come we're the only ones that got tickets, then? Well, that's an officer's discretion.
But if it does happen to be a carefully crafted, perfectly timed revenge, then so be it.
- [SCOFFS.]
Come on.
- [DASHBOARD BEEPS.]
Have fun at shitty, old Smoot, boys.
I'm off to my new life.
So long, Sucktown! Hey, I'll have you know we're doing pretty good without you, fake cop! [LAUGHS.]
SHOEMAKER: Yeah, that's right! 'Cause you've already been replaced - Uh-huh! By Quinn! - by Loren! - "By Loren"? - Stupid.
Well SERGEANT COBB: Hey, Red Zone.
I heard you ticketed 14 Mongol Harleys outside the Piper Inn.
What, do you have a death wish? They were more than one foot away from the curb, sir.
You know, normally, I don't pry into the dark roads that led people here, but it seems like you were forged from the fires of hell.
Thank you, sir.
Well, to be honest, I was the librarian at Smoot High School.
Jesus H.
Christ.
I actually liked a lot of the job, but my friends turned out to be big dicks.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm usually cut off by now.
Let me tell you something.
Out here in the streets, we listen to one another.
So, good talk.
Now get home to your family.
Well, I don't have a family, sir.
I was hoping that I could pick up a few extra shifts.
Let me tell you something, Red Zone, you need to pump the brakes.
Don't make the same mistake I made and give your life to this stupid job.
Yes, sir.
There's got to be somebody.
There is someone I'm interested in, but it's against the site rules for us to meet in person.
God damn it, Red Zone! [MUG SHATTERS.]
Let me tell you something.
Scars On the outside, that's one thing! But scars on the inside Those are scars that never heal! Sarge, I'm not sure your outside scar healed that well, either.
Ah shit, is that bleeding again? Ah, what the shit.
Oh, God.
How 'bout we break those rules and take this to the next level? [CELLPHONE BLOOPS.]
Here goes.
I'm male.
Yes! Let's meet in person! [CELLPHONE BLOOPS.]
Hmm Of course, I only paid for a water, but that's not what I got.
I went with some soda.
[LAUGHS.]
I was there.
I saw it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Tammy! Sorry, but we have a little policy over here - Bros before - You better think about it before you finish that sentence.
Well, you didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say bros before Tammys.
Why don't you go sit somewhere else? - Bye-bye! - Bye! [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Ahh! Funny stuff.
[CHUCKLES.]
Speaking of funny, I was watching Jimmy Fallon last night.
[LAUGHING.]
He brings the guest out.
It's somebody famous, and he was singing his famous song from the movie, but they were spoofing it.
Anyway, for my money, that guy is giving the system the business.
Wow.
When did you start wearing self-tucking shirts? [SNICKERING.]
Yeah, dad! [LAUGHTER.]
Why don't you go find a golf game to golf at? [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
You know, I'm the keeper of the books now.
So it's important that I look professional! [SNICKERS.]
Next thing we know, he's gonna start freezing his eggs.
QUINN: Ha! Ha! Ha! FAIRBELL: [LAUGHS.]
Old eggs for dinner.
That was an Abbey joke, Fairbell.
Oh.
[COUGHS.]
Six! [BREATHING SHAKILY.]
[COUGHING.]
Seven! Come on, Loren! [CRYING.]
You're not dope anymore! You got three more minutes, then you got to move this thing.
I'll just move right along, officer.
I'm sorry.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Oh.
Hi, Abbey.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, my God, are you doing that breath-spray thing in here? Alone? That is so sad! Yeah, right.
You're just jealous 'cause you could never get past six.
And you're crying in your car just like I used to.
Hey, it's not so easy being a librarian loser, is it? Like your life is so much better.
Actually, it is.
I have a date tomorrow, and he's gonna be waiting for me with a red rose.
- Oh, my God! - I know! Like "You've Got Mail"? That is so sweet.
Mm-hmm.
I know! Oh, look at that.
Just over.
Are you seriously giving me a ticket right now, Abbey?! What the shit?! By the way, you know, you're a librarian now.
You can afford a nicer car.
[TAPS ON DOOR.]
Actually Boys are comin' together [IMITATES GUITAR RIFF.]
You aren't leaving, are you? Uh, I am, warden.
Gonna go meet the boys for happy hour, probably shoot some BB guns at some stuff.
Yeah, but we had a meeting at 1:30.
We were gonna discuss the upcoming CSTs.
I don't even know what a CKLT is.
Colorado Standardized Testing? No.
Quinn, these scores determine our funding.
Well, if they're so important, why don't you guys get together and write a little think piece about it.
I'm gonna go ahead and get off this snooze cruise.
I'm outta here.
QUINN: And Steven was all like, [WHINING.]
"But I made an appointment! What an asshole! - Yeah.
- You sound just like him.
- Oh, man.
- Hi, Steven.
I do impressions.
[LAUGHS.]
[HORN HONKS.]
Oh my God.
Hey, dudes.
Huh? Pretty dang tight, right? Yeah, I found this thing on the gambling-debt section of Craigslist.
I figure, with all the extra cash I'm making, it's probably time for an upgrade.
Yeah, you were about two cups of chamomile and one blazer away from going full Sweens.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's good.
That's a good one.
Looks like you're driving a go-kart, but dumb and stupid.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Let's go, guys.
[LAUGHS.]
Where are you going? Can Can I come? Hey, how about we text you when we get there? Wow, it feels so good to be on this end of one of those.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Gee whiz.
Wow, a gently-used '97 in school-bus yellow.
Yes! Exactly! God, I don't know what those guys' problem is.
This is a cool car for a cool dude.
Vroom, vroom.
Am I right? It's "Zoom, zoom.
" Miata poser.
It's "Zoom.
" God QUINN: Later, dillweed! - See you tomorrow, Loren.
- Whoo-hoo! FAIRBELL: Oh, trash can! [CRASH, TIRES SQUEAL.]
[SHOEMAKER LAUGHS.]
I'm hurt.
Oh, my God.
I am becoming Abbey.
Oh, so your refrigerator is running.
Well, then, why don't you go catch it, then, gravel nuts? [LAUGHTER.]
And he'll never know it's us! STEVEN: [MUFFLED.]
I do know it's you.
I'm writing down everything you say, Quinn.
- Shh! - Quiet, wall.
We're trying to prank-call Steven.
Listen, Quinn, I've been doing some thinking, and I want my old job back.
Well, I'd love to help you, but I don't want to.
And I'd ask him to help you, but I don't care.
God, look at you two.
Following Quinn around? This is pathetic.
Our whole dynamic is off.
We need Abbey back.
- Nice try, but that ship has sailed.
- Yeah.
It was a snooze cruise, and you were the captain.
- Toot-toot.
- [LAUGHS.]
I can't believe how much mileage I'm getting off "snooze cruise.
" Jesus.
You see, Quinnsby is the new leader of this gaggle, and he's not going anywhere.
We don't even need Abbey.
Tell you what If fancy pants here wants to run back to Spanish class, he's welcome to it.
We will just go into the library and turn it into something else.
- Adios, amigo.
- Oh, a man cave? We'll be man-cave men.
- Don't touch me.
- No! You can't turn it into a man cave.
Abbey and I have done a lot of work on that library.
Oh, yeah? Well, we're probably gonna put a lot of work into taking it all down.
- Yeah, we are.
- Come on, boys.
- [SNICKERS.]
- Move your leg.
Move your leg.
- Sorry.
- Hey, I want to be clear.
SHOEMAKER: If you keep calling yourself Quinnsby, I don't want to be a part of this anymore.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[MUSIC DIES.]
Oh, man.
Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! Are you Red Zone, the the hot-shot new meter maid? Parking Enforcement Officer.
It is amazing to meet you.
I mean [LAUGHING.]
you're my money maker.
And you're You're Mayor Gil Nash.
Thanks to you, all my unfunded projects are back on the table.
I mean, suck my spurs, city council.
I'll tell you what How about I name the new all-kill animal shelter after you? Don't name it that or build that.
You know what, I-I-I-I've got to go.
I've got a job to quit.
But, hey, hang on.
Wait, wait.
Um, do I have any, like, stem stuff in my teeth? I-I'm meeting my soul mate.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[CHAIN RATTLING.]
Sir.
Sir, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, but I'm quitting.
I-I-I can't walk the streets making money for Gil Nash.
- I don't accept your resignation.
- [SIGHS.]
Mayors They come and go in this city, but parking enforcement We endure.
You think I agree with every mayor I've worked under in this city? Hell no.
But I tough it out, Red Zone.
That's why you're the best, sir.
But I can't bring myself to raise money for boob taxes and kill shelters.
I'm afraid this is goodbye.
[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING.]
This is like watching an eagle turn in her wings.
- [CHUCKLES SADLY.]
- Where will you go from here? Some place where I can make a positive difference in society.
I don't know where that is yet, but I'm gonna find it.
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
I'd probably cry if I didn't have my goddamn tear ducts ripped out.
[SIGHS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, I thought that'd get your attention.
I don't care, Loren.
I quit parking enforcement.
Really?! That's great! You can come back to Smoot now.
Why would I come back to Smoot? 'Cause it's a-a great job and it's got good benefits and that that weird foreign exchange student's still there.
- He's funny.
- [LAUGHING.]
Oh [SCOFFS.]
Because we need you, Abbey.
Because I need you.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I didn't realize how much being a librarian ruins your social status.
I thought leaving the library would fix things, but our dynamic's just jacked up.
Loren, I-I've got a résumé to fabricate.
I can't get involved in your juvenile bullshit.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah? Well, Quinn's turning the library into a man cave.
[SPUTTERS.]
Excuse me?! Yeah, he's already ordered the Fatheads and everything.
- Ohh! - Okay.
I feel like that second one was a little bit excessive.
Well, we've got to stop Quinn! That's what I'm saying! Let's go.
Come on.
- Miss.
- Sweet.
Oh! You know what I've always hated about books? They're so heavy.
QUINN: Once we get all the books cleared out, we can maybe get a pool table in here.
That's gonna go so good with our Fatheads! - I love those things.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Geoffrey? - No, I want lemonlime.
- Lemon-lime.
- Oh, oh.
Sorry, sorry.
And, uh, you know what? From here on out, it's Jeff.
And I know we're just saying it so you can't tell, but I'm saying it with a "J.
" - I can tell.
I can tell.
- Quinn?! Quinn, what the shit?! What are you doing to my library?! No, no, no! You can't come back! You won't come back! - Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
- Yes.
Yeah.
Isn't there a melanoma missing its redhead right about now? [SNICKERING.]
Hey, it is not her fault that her skin is translucent.
Two losers are teaming up.
- [SNORTS.]
- Losers! Okay, there is no drinking on school property! - Hey! - What are you doing?! - Abbey, no! - What? I have finally climbed to the top of this very confusing social structure at this school, okay?! - I'm the new Loren.
- No.
Loren's the new you.
Shoemaker and Fairbell are essentially the same, but what I'm saying is there's no one else for you to be, okay? I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I've got this cool-guy thing dialed in.
Then you probably would have zero problem taking, I don't know, 10 shots of cinnamon Binaca Directly underneath your tongue right now.
You don't owe anything to this guy, J.
Yeah, let's go outside.
Let's go TP a house.
- Let's get out of here.
- Let's go TP a house.
I'm sorry, Geoffrey.
Are you gonna let your girlfriends do all the talking for you, or are you gonna step right up and prove how cool you are? - Let's go TP a house.
- My name is Jeff with a "J"! I could do 10 pumps in my sleep.
Yeah, he can.
Obviously, someone else would have to do the pumping I'll be sleeping.
Just prove it.
One.
[SPRITZES.]
[SCREAMS.]
- Geez! - Ohh! Aah! - The pain! - Yeah.
It's in my lungs! Fairbell, count.
No way.
7, 3, 2.
[SPRITZING.]
- Come on.
- Shoemaker, count.
I'm on three.
- I was on the spot.
- 4, 5, 6 - [COUGHING.]
- 7, 8, 9 No way.
One more.
- [COUGHS.]
- 10! He did it! [LAUGHS.]
- He's back! - I am a cinnamon god! - Whoo! - Wow.
Yeah, that's right, Jeff with a "J.
" Looks like King Shit just got re-elected President of Riff City.
[SNICKERING.]
Okay, so, in this scenario now Yeah.
A monarch, during a general election, was elected president of a city.
On top of the biggest goddamn mountain you ever climbed, bro! Elevation 420-69! I have definitely missed a few days.
And as for you, Geoffrey, I think it's time for you to turn in your little flannel.
Ohh! Aah! How long was I gone? And where are my glasses? Oh, yeah, your glasses.
Yeah, you smashed them when you took us to that rock quarry to just, well, smash stuff.
Okay, maybe we all got a little too far away from ourselves there, all right? LOREN: Yeah.
And, Abbey, maybe we do need you.
So, what do you say? Will you come back? Yeah.
Okay.
But there's one last thing I need to do.
Well, I hope it's not tear down this man cave.
- 'Cause this rules.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Right? You two have outdone yourselves.
Man, how awesome is this? Look at how hot this chick is.
You're gonna be so disappointed.
- Boner alert.
- Let's take this all down.
TOGETHER: 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11! - Jesus! - Ohh! - Oh, my God! - New record! SHOEMAKER: Wow! Whoa! [LAUGHING.]
- Wow, Abbey! - Yeah! Red Zone just got elected the new Duchess of Riff Raff County, boys! SHOEMAKER: Wow! So, in this scenario, a duchess was - Shut up, Shoemaker.
- Fair enough.
Welcome back, Queen Bee.
Thank you.
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool.
S-S-So [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Mistakes were made, and I guess we all did some things we probably regret.
So I didn't.
STEVEN: Yeah, just you.
You acted like an immature child, Geoffrey.
Mm-hmm.
And can I assume that was your feces I found on my doorstep? Okay, well, you cannot prove that.
It's at the lab right now.
I'm at my wits' end.
I may have to speak with district management.
Okay, well, now, that vaguely sounds like a threat.
It's not vague at all.
It's a direct threat.
And it it is directed at me? Yes.
[BREATHES SHAKILY.]
I've been to prison twice.