Tripping the Rift s03e12 Episode Script

(theme music playing) Spaceship Bob: Whoa, that was close.
I just about ran head-on into James Doohan's ashes.
(buzzes) (Six moaning) - (Chode snores) - Six: Ugh.
You've got to be kidding me.
Please Mom, I don't want to go to school today.
The kids make fun of my green freckles.
Ma, Ma, Ma.
Ma what? - You fell asleep.
- In bed with cozy covers on.
Shame on me.
How will I ever live with myself? We were having sex at the time.
Oh.
Well l I did have a long hard day.
Speaking of long and hard, you weren't the only thing that fell asleep.
Yeah right.
The old diving board never loses its bounce.
What did you do to me? Is this some kind of joke? Did you tie it to my leg? What? Don't blame me for your shortcomings.
I'm in tip-top condition Oh come on Six, you must be off your game.
Are you due for your 30,000 mile tune-up? Fine.
How about I go give Whip a test drive? The boy survives, you win.
The boy dies with a smile on his face, I win.
No, no, no, you can't.
The others will all know something's wrong with me.
Besides, Whip's not a fair test.
He'd pop off if you licked your nipple.
Maybe it was the keg of beer I drank.
No, I usually drink twice that and I'm still good to go go go.
Wait a minute.
When all else fails, there is one place you can turn that will never keep a good man down.
This is a classic.
"Wonka's Willy in the Chocolate Factory.
" - (music playing) - Wow, look at that.
Mmm, hmm.
Who can take a stripper, sprinkle her with dew Cover it in chocolate, a dab of G Y or two - The candy man - The candy man can't.
It's not working.
(growls) Crap.
(grunts) Hey, maybe it's just a lack of exercise.
Are you kidding? This baby does more drilling than an Edmonton Wildcatter.
I wasn't talking about your penis.
I was talking about you.
Exercise helps the blood circulate.
Oh.
- (machine beeping) - (panting) (Gus chuckles) What in heaven's name is going on here? - Exercising.
- You exercising? That's like Whip working, or T'nuk listening.
Or you shutting the hell up.
Yes, something like that.
So what's this sudden interest in fitness all about, hmm? Worried about your heart? Oh no, wait, you haven't got one.
Oh, afraid you've grown a little chubby? Or better yet, afraid that your little chubby hasn't grown? - Shut up.
- Oh that would be delicious.
Why are you riding me so hard, huh? Are you still put out about not getting the time off? I have been looking forward to my "I, Robot 6 Revenge of the Smith" cast reunion for months.
And you pooh-poohed all over my plans.
You had one scene and it was cut.
Still, I was a favorite on set.
Gus, they cut your scene so they didn't have to invite you to the premier.
Six called and asked.
You love pissing all over my dreams, don't you? And now it seems all you're good for is pissing, hmm? Get out! Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Light as a feather, stiff as a board No levitation, nothing at all.
- It didn't even move.
- (groans) No no no no no.
We can get the Ouija board out of the closet and try raising the dead.
(Gus sniggering) (sniggering) (all giggling) (giggling) All right, you guys, what's so goddamn funny? - Nothing.
Nothing, sorry.
- (both laugh) Six, you told them, didn't you? You are so dead.
If Chode was dead his problem would be solved, because rigor mortis would set in.
(all laughing) - You did tell them! - I didn't say anything.
Gus was the one that sent out the mass email.
(guffawing) But seriously, people, we should be helping here, not hurting.
Hmm, maybe if we figured out the root of his problem.
Maybe it's just old age.
Hmm, unfortunately he's relatively young.
Maybe it's God punishing him for his sins.
If that were the case, he would have been struck by lightning - a long time ago.
- True that.
I think it's his own guilt-riddled conscience that has decided to do to him what he is constantly doing to us.
- Which is? - Holding us down, of course.
Enough.
I don't remember signing a waiver allowing you to pick over my brain like some guest on Dr.
Phil.
I think we're just in a rut.
We need to mix things up, try something new.
How about a little blue pill? Now, here's a guy who's trying to help.
What are you doing with those things? I picked them up from a guy back on Solarius 12 just in case I got lucky.
- Did you? - I won five Kronigs on a lottery scratcher.
Hey, I think I'm feeling something here.
Quick, Six, let's get out of that rut we were in.
Let's boldly go where no man has gone before.
Or at least we haven't.
- Dealer's choice.
- Mmm! How about a little outdoor in n' out? Sex in public? Yeah, the thrill of being watched, it'll give me a little extra boost.
But, Chode, we're on a spaceship.
Where's the public? Bob: Uh Chode, I hate to interrupt your flow, But I think Six is sitting on the thrusters.
Chode: Yeah baby, now you know how they got their name.
Must we be party to this? I'm not sure Six is even party to this.
- Look closer.
- Hmm, it seems the cat is out of the bag.
Yep, the pig is definitely out of the pen.
I don't think it was ever in it.
- Let me see those pills.
- (thumping) (sniffs) This isn't Viagra.
The guy sold you spearmint breath mints.
- Should I tell him? - Isn't it more humiliating if we don't? Well, all this rocking is gonna make me puke.
Hey, big boy.
Can you move off the thrusters? I'm getting space-sick over here.
(Chode grunting) Only if you shut up! (thumping) T'nuk: Chode now she's firing Chode: Hey, peanut gallery, please, pretty please with sugar, shut the up and watch, all right? Did you know that the phrase "peanut gallery" was first used to describe the young audience attending the Howdy Doody - Chode: Quiet! - Sorry.
(Chode groaning) Oh yeah, baby.
Ooh, yes - (bangs) - (groaning) - Man: Use the force.
- (booms) - T'nuk: Who was that? - Gus: One of Dick Cheney's cronies.
- (booms) - Did you feel that, baby? The earth is moving.
- That must mean I'm almost there.
- No.
Wow, the sex is so good my head's spinning.
Bob: Chode's so good he's got the whole ship spinning.
- Huh? - Chode, the ship really is spinning.
I didn't have the nerve to tell you, but you've been dry-humping me from the get go.
Like an old man with a bad leg.
You've got a bit of a limp.
No way.
No, man! No! Oh my God.
If what I think has happened, has happened, the world may be coming to an end.
I feel the same way.
(creaking) - Bob, power up all stabilizers.
- (Chode yells) Apparently a stray phaser blast hit a dark energy star.
- A what? - A star made up of dark energy.
The force that pushes against gravity's pull.
It looks like the shot's released the energy, creating an imbalance.
Sort of a black hole in reverse.
Ooh, I'm so scared.
If this bulging goes unchecked it will expand the universe, sending planets and stars careening into parallel universes.
- Oh.
- My life is over anyway.
Who cares about the universe? Is someone gonna blame us for this screw-up? 'Cause it actually was Six's fault.
It wasn't me, it was Chode's.
Chode's big ass wasn't sitting on the phaser button.
Look, it doesn't matter.
There will no longer be life in the universe.
Don't you understand? Does that mean running away is not an option? Okay, so what you're saying, if I may be so blunt, is we've got to do something, before all life as we know it is wiped off the face of the What's bigger than the universe, that it could be wiped off the face of? If galaxies make up the universe, what do universes make up? A universe super-sized? I bet Alex Trebek would know.
Or that guy in the wheelchair.
- What's his name? - Ironside? That guy on "Lost" John Locke.
But he could walk as soon as they crashed.
He'd still know the answer.
- No, come on, the scientist.
- Professor Charles Xavier.
Stop it.
You're standing around playing 20 questions while the universe hangs in the balance.
Can we please focus? - I'm sorry.
- Yes.
Bob: I still think it's John Locke.
It's Stephen Hawking.
Listen, the only way we fail here is if we fail to try.
What if we try and fail? Quiet.
Look, we can do this, we can.
This is a gut check, and I for one am going to meet it head on.
- Are you with me? - You bet! Chode, let me go.
Look you inspired me, baby.
I'm not going down without a fight.
God, you're hot when you're bossy.
Chode, the entire universe is going to be destroyed.
(thuds) - Okay.
- Now what? Chode.
You self-centered idiot.
I've got to get back there and help the three stooges.
- (beeps) - Oh.
(chuckles) - No! - Too late.
Either you help me get my sexy back, the sooner the better, or we literally die trying.
- What's it gonna be? - Fine, fine.
What turns you on? What always gets you going? Aha.
You love to watch, right? I like your thinking.
Anything? Anything at all? - Mm-mmm.
- Nope.
Guys, come on.
We've got to do something.
Look around.
If we aren't the heroes, there ain't any.
Heroes? Hmm.
What would a superhero do? Whip, would you pull your head out of the comic book clouds, and think real for a minute? Yeah, I got it.
I totally got it.
Bob, I need you to orbit the star as fast as you can, counterclockwise.
- What? - We can stop the thing from starting.
What are you talking about? We're gonna turn back time.
If Superman can do it, so could we.
- (Six moaning) - Yeah, get off.
You can do it! - Get off! - (moaning) Ah, you know I'm so glad they wrapped everything up with this "Gilligan's Island" TV movie.
It just didn't feel right to end without them being rescued.
(sighs) Chode.
(whizzing) - Bob: We're almost up to speed.
- I don't know, guys.
Time travel only seems to work in the movies, or on TV, you know? T'nuk is right, Whip.
And have you ever noticed, the writers just change the rules to service their story? Yeah, how come the people who are aware of time travel don't regress only the people who are unaware? How does that work? - 10 seconds.
- And the always go back to exactly the right spot in time in order to alter the future.
Guys, please, a little faith.
This can work.
All right.
Whatever you say.
Bob: Four, three, two, one.
(whizzing) It's working, it's work (blipping) - Wow, I'm having a déjà vu.
- Me too.
Déjà vu? Isn't that the name of a strip club? Guys, come on, we gotta do something.
Look around.
If we aren't the heroes, there ain't any.
Heroes? Hmm.
What would a superhero do? Whip, would you pull your head out of the comic book clouds, and think real for a minute? Yeah, I got it.
I totally got it.
Déjà vu is when you get the feeling that what you're experiencing happened before.
Can we please focus on the task at hand? I thought I had a plan, but it went right out of my head.
Someone is déjà dumb.
I don't hear you coming up with anything.
Hey, how about we blow the damn thing up before it blows us up? Isn't this how we got into this mess, by shooting at it? Well, yeah, sort of.
But you give a bear a flesh wound, it pisses him off, making him even more dangerous.
- You kill it - And he's a rug in front of your fireplace.
Let's get that bitch or die trying.
- (knocking) - Chode, please.
I promise.
I'll get your magic wand to perform tricks again.
Just let me out of here so I can save us.
Without sex I have no reason to live.
Uh, hey guys, all of us out here are actually trying to save something more than our pride.
So if you've got anything even mildly explosive, please send it on out.
We're planning on blowing up that star before it destroys every living thing.
Blow it up? How does that make any kind of sense? Listen, Toots.
If you'd concentrate on your real job, instead of pretending to be the science officer, you'd be done in there and out here helping us.
So until that happens, keep your opinions to yourself.
Oh, so you think you could get him to pop? Like a balloon at Hellraiser's birthday party.
Usually I'd think you two fighting over me was kind of hot, but now it's just boring.
Please Chode, you've got to let me go.
I get my release, you get yours.
Hmm.
You know what we haven't tried yet? A little S&M.
You know you love it when I'm your strict, powerful whip-wielding mistress.
Hmm.
(chuckles) See, with the right motivation, you come up with some pretty good ideas.
- Shut up.
- Ooh yeah! I like it rough.
What's the safety word? - No really, shut up.
- That's it? (growls) Whip, come to Chode's cabin right now.
He's locked me in and the key's on the floor right outside the door.
(babbling) Humanity's calling, and it's high time I answered.
That's everything.
(slams) (thuds) (zooms) Let's go.
Okay, Bob, I want you to throw photon bombs, phasers at full power, everything we have at the star.
But you've got to time it to coincide with the shuttle's impact.
Tell me when.
Grab hold of something.
Wait for it! - Now! - (motors whining) (zinging) No, don't do it.
Tell me I'm not too late.
You're right on time to see the moment of triumph, - the day I saved the universe! - Six: No.
- All right! - Oh yes, so wonderful.
- (laughing) - What a relief.
Hold on a minute.
(distant roaring) If we have a minute.
Well, since we're all doomed, I have a confession to make.
We know.
We've always known.
No, not that.
This whole thing, the star expanding, and the universe being pushed apart, it's all my fault.
No, this is all Chode's penis's fault.
Well, not really.
Remember how he wouldn't let me go to my little cast reunion? - Yeah.
- I was a bit miffed by it, and, well, feeling a little vengeful.
- So? - So I played a little joke on Chode.
I put potassium nitrate in his beer.
I don't follow.
Potassium nitrate, you know, saltpeter the reverse Viagra.
(guffaws) - That's funny as hell.
- No it isn't.
How did you get free? I swallowed the ball gag, then chewed through the ropes with my teeth.
Best of luck on the can tomorrow.
- (chuckles) - Oh, you're so dead! - (growls) - Wait a minute.
Why are we protecting him? He's killed us all with his little game of revenge.
I am so sorry, everyone.
It was just supposed to be a joke.
Chode, look on the bright side.
The effects are only temporary.
Okay, but I'm not done with you.
Hmm.
Unfortunately, it looks like we have no time to be patient.
There's no stopping that star.
It just keeps expanding.
We have to.
At least until the saltpeter wears off.
- Now he's on board.
- Before I had nothing to live for.
But if we can beat this thing, it'll give my dark star time to expand, and believe me, I'll take that opportunity to slip it into your black hole, if you know what I mean.
Oh, so subtle.
Wait a minute dark energy star, black hole! Okay, we got it the first time.
How many times are you gonna repeat it? Just shut up, you Bovidian numb nut.
This could work.
Six, if you bring a dark energy star in contact with a black hole, what would happen? For me, a little pain, but I usually get used to it after a while.
No, out there.
They're opposites.
The two forces should cancel each other out, right? Chode, that is right.
It could work.
Ah, no biggie.
We're just going to move a black hole from one side of the universe to the other.
- What would we use, the transporter? - Why not? Something so large and dense has never been transported.
Well, except for T'nuk.
I'm trying hard to pretend you no longer exist in order to get through this, but you keep running your damn yap.
I just thought a little levity in times of stress would be beneficial.
- Shut up.
- I'd suggest we give it the old college try, but I don't think any of us went to college.
- I'm in.
- Me too.
Ah, all right.
If it'll make things right among all of us, count me in.
Save the universe or not, you're dead.
- (growls) - (sobs) (crashes) If we increase the clocking speed, we should be able to handle a black hole.
Hurry, we've only got a few minutes.
I don't want to interrupt this touching teamwork moment, but there's no way I have enough power to get the job done.
Power? a duck.
Keep at it.
With a little luck, there's a way.
There's got to be something here we can use.
Come on, come on.
There! Whip, T'nuk, get the transporter ready.
We only have time for one shot at this.
Let's go, Chode.
We're gonna rope us some electricity.
Here, attach this to the ship's main power supply.
The Federation power grid has a trans-planet line a little way off the port side.
I'm gonna need you to jettison me out of the hatch.
Hopefully I can reach it in time.
Don't wait for me.
If I make that connection, transport the black hole.
But if something happens to you, I wouldn't know I wouldn't know who to have sex with.
I know in your own way, that was "I love you.
" Put down the crack pipe, and come back to reality.
Six, I can't let you do this.
I thought I told you to keep it zipped.
Butt out! (smacks) (beeps) Now you'll have to forgive me.
(wails) (yelps) - He needs more cable.
- That's all we got.
- (grunting) - (electricity humming) - (buzzing) - (groaning) He touched the third rail! Whoa! Whoever said "power is intoxicating" knew of what he spoke.
Bob, are you getting high? Bob: Oh, cobwebs on my face, cobwebs.
Dude, do I even have a face? - Six: Whip, now! - Here goes everything.
(buzzing) - Huh? - (whooshing) Bob: Wow, pretty colors.
Colors that have never existed before this moment in time, man.
- (all groaning) - What a trip.
Dudes, you should see this.
It's like your faces are melting like candles.
(Bob laughs) I am so wasted.
Whip: The pain! (Chode groaning) (all moaning) We did it! Group hug.
Bob: I love each and every one of you dudes.
(groaning) (gasps) Hmm.
Ah, after what you did, I think we can forgive you.
You've learned your lesson.
But no more practical jokes for you, dude.
Oh you guys.
- (buzzes) - (all yelling) I am so sorry.
It must be residual electricity from my heroic mission.
- No problemo.
- We understand.
That made my loins tingle.
(sniggers) No more practical jokes for me.
(theme music playing)