Trollied (2011) s03e12 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Can she stop that now? Fish and ticks.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of two-for-ones.
Boom! Fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Am I getting paid for this? Don't forget the Valco tick.
Oh, Valco tick.
That way.
Serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
Oh, Richard, I really do need to talk to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey! Looking pretty cool there, Katie.
Oh, right this.
Erm, I'm just doing a temp test cos it's so quiet in here today.
Hold the phone! I didn't ask you to do that.
Did you ask her to do that, Julie? No, I didn't.
That, Katie, is why you are gold dust.
Free-thinking, initiative-taking, dust.
Made of gold.
But I'm not here to polish your apples, Katie.
Have you thought any more about joining the old graduate trainee scheme? Um, not yet.
No.
All right.
But don't leave me hangly-dangling, all right, because this offer is an exploder, right? Right.
I'm just gonna go put these in the logbook.
See you later.
She's going to make someone a very fine number two one day.
Julie, eh? I suppose but, Richard, I really need to talk to you about the customer footfall.
The figures are in and they're awful.
Ah, figures, shmigures.
Footfall shmutfall.
Oh, I know it sounds dead weird, right, but I think I prefer it when it's busy.
Yep, I know, man.
We could always get busy.
Yeah, come on then.
Just don't tell the missus.
All right, yeah.
OK, well, I won't tell her if you don't.
Hang on, what was that all about? What? I said, "Don't tell the missus.
" And you got a stiffy.
Yeah? We were just messing, weren't we? So if I said, come home and shag your wife, what would happen? Same.
Oh, great! Even the thought of a wife turns you off.
What's it going to be like when we're actually married? Right, Lisa.
It's got a mind of its own.
Lisa! It isn't my fault.
Lisa.
Oh! Thank you very much.
That's your fault, that.
Oh, Richard, er, Julie, I That really is some smashing work there, Leighton.
Oh, thanks a lot, Gavin.
Again.
Oh, now about your holiday request We might just have to fill out another one.
Oh, did I get my Bs and Ds mixed up again? Just a little bit, but i-i-it's all right.
Um, I'll help you fill it out again later.
Thanks, Gavin.
Gavin.
Oh.
Gavin, where will I put this? Oh, just pop it in your locker.
Don't be a silly man.
I want to get them over straight after work and then we can snuggle up with a bottle of Pinot and watch Take Me Out.
Yes? You're moving in tonight? Of course.
Now take this to your office.
But I Ah, ah, ah! Don't let me get my friend Mr Bunny Rabbit out.
He's there right in that box.
Anna, you can't bring livestock in to work! We haven't got the relevant licensing.
Oh, good Lord.
He's all charged up and rrr-rrr-rrr-raring to go.
Aren't you Senor Bunny? I'll put, put it in my office.
Gracias.
Leighton come, come and get the rest from my car.
No! No, no, Leighton is very, very busy at the moment.
I'll help you with it before lunch.
Anna, Anna, could I please meet Mr Bunny Rabbit? I promise I won't tug his ears.
You are a cheeky one! We've been short-listed for best retail outlet of the year? Believe! The doors are switched to manual, the landing strip is on.
All we need to do is land this baby.
Richard, this is amazing.
It's an actual dream come true.
I feel like we've made it to judge's houses! I love it.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, no, don't mind me.
You know.
I'm not even here! Just a few of Anna's things.
Don't worry, I'll make sure they're not in anyone's way.
Gosh, she's really moving in then? That's quick.
Is it? It is, isn't it? Do you think? Not if it's what you want.
Jools, we're going to need to give this the full optic, all right.
That's a game changer for us.
Can I leave this in your capables? Yes, Richard.
Great.
Right, I've got to bust one to Widnes.
It's not a green lighter yet but looks like they're next up for the Better treatment.
Lucky old Widnes.
Brian Deveraux will be delighted.
Oh, Brian's no longer with us I'm afraid, Gav.
Oh, he died! No, retired.
Big up to him.
I've got a lot of respect for a man who knows when he's outstayed his welcome, no longer needed, just getting in everyone's way.
Do you need anything while I'm here, Julie? Um, no, I-I-I don't think so.
I'll leave you to it then.
Oh, Gavin.
Congratulations on you and Anna moving in together.
I'm pleased for you both.
Yes, yes.
It-it'll be fun.
Really, really fun.
I-I-I do just wonder if maybe we Gavin, come.
We have more boxes.
I see you.
OK? I see you.
Yes, madam, how may I help you? Could you tell me if there's a Morrison's round here? No, I bloody can't.
Silly cow.
Did you hear that, Linda? Oh, my God, look! Cheeky beggar, we should tell Ian.
What's the code? Erm This is a staff announcement.
Mrs Henderson in aisle four.
Mrs Henderson in aisle four.
Isn't Mrs Henderson a medical emergency? I thought shoplifter was Mrs Dwight.
Right.
You keep your eye on him and I'll check in the manual.
Hurry up cos he's shopping for a dinner party by the looks.
Right.
Here's your bucket, but I'm not cleaning it up.
What are you on about? Sick.
The Mrs Henderson thing, it means someone's chundered, dunnit? No.
At least, I don't think it does.
What's up with you, grumpy chops? It's only natural to get cold feet before your wedding, you know.
It's not his feet I'm worried about.
Oh, I see.
Do you? Well no, no, I don't.
I'm worried about, you know If-if things are going to get boring in the bedroom once we're married.
Well, it's not boring in my bedroom and I've been married 51 years.
Every night, I sit my Alan down on the edge of the bed, and I get down on me hands and knees And? I take his shoes off for him.
Why would you do that? That's rank.
Well, because it's my Alan and that's what you do for your husband when he gets a dickey hip.
You'll be doing the same for Colin one day, you mark my words.
I've done some weird shit for Colin, but never that.
I've got principals, you know.
Ray? Ray? Ray? Ray Ban? Raymondo? I've got a business proposition for you.
OK.
Pretend you're on Dragons' Den.
I don't know what that is.
Yeah, you do.
Dragons' Den.
Off the telly.
Dragons' Den.
Dragon's.
Den.
I-I-I don't have a telly.
Shut up! Course you do.
I don't.
I have a DVD player.
But no telly? Why would you have a DVD player and not have a telly? Just in case somebody's got a telly but no DVD player.
Right.
Anyway, never mind that.
Just take a look at this bad boy.
Behold.
The fish sausage.
Now I know what you're going to say - that it's a shit idea and no-one will ever buy it, but just hear me out, right? I like it.
What? Think it's quite a good idea.
I knew it! I bloody knew it! Get in.
This is a staff announcement for Ian.
Mrs Henderson is still in need of attention.
Where is she? Who? Mrs Henderson! She was my best teacher at school by about seven miles.
What are you on about? Mrs Henderson is code for shoplifter.
Look, it's that bloke there.
You follow him and I'll go and get Ian myself.
Come on, Sue.
What? I can't There he is.
Ian.
I only ate one of them! Did you not hear the Tannoy? There's a shoplifter in aisle four nicking loads of meat.
There's not much I can do without proof, I'm afraid.
We saw him do it.
With our eyes.
Yeah, but it's not proceedable unless I see him do it.
Best to let them make a break for the exit or you lose the evidence of criminality.
Ian.
Up, now! Where is it? I've been down aisle four and there's nothing.
Mrs Henderson's a shoplifter, not a fire.
Are you sure? Yeah, we looked it up.
So where are they then? Oh.
That's a classic move, mate.
Nice one.
Colin! Stop him.
What, me? Yes! Stop! Oi! Get back here.
Stop.
Come back here! Gavin, stop him! He's Mrs Henderson.
On fire? No! Mrs Henderson.
Has anyone read the manual? Oh, Ian, my nose! Get off me! Get off me! You're hurting me.
I'm bleeding.
Hold him down.
I'm trying.
Oh, Gavin, be careful.
He might be armed.
Oh, I think it's just sausages.
Kill him, Gavin, with your hands! This is assault! Colin, can you just give us a hand? Do you want us to sit on him? I'm not sitting on him! Someone call the police, I'm being attacked.
Actually, he's right.
We need to call the police.
Oh, I'll do it! Let me go.
I've done nothing.
What's the number? 999! Of course it is! Oh, what am I like? Er, do I need nine for an outside line? Four nines.
No.
Nine.
999.
Right.
Where do we keep the phone? Oh, forget it, Margaret.
We'll do it in a minute.
I've got to pick me kids up from school.
You can't do this to me! We can't keep him here until the police arrive.
He's alarming the customers.
What about your office? Good idea.
Colin, get over here and help us get him up.
Come on, Colin! Come on, mate, I got you.
Come on, mate.
Come on.
Fine bloke, mate.
Good effort.
Right, can someone just get all that stuff cleared up.
And none of it is for resale.
Lord knows where it's been.
That's it, bend forward, keep your head between my knees.
I-I think it should be my knees, shouldn't it, Julie? Oh, yes, I always get that muddled.
I'd have made a terrible nurse.
I don't believe it.
You haven't seen my bedside manner, yet.
Gavin! My poor, poor darling.
Oh! I'll leave you to it.
Yes, you will.
Oh, my poor brave Gavin.
You were like a matador out there.
Oh.
It was nothing really.
Anyone would have done the same.
We should make love while your body is alive with the moment.
Lark Rise To Candleford, Anna! What? Ian is not around.
The store is unwatched, we are free.
You're right! The store is unwatched.
What if this was just a decoy to throw us off the scent? I've got to get Ian back on the floor, it could be like the riots all over again.
Ian! Ian! I'll take that as a no.
Right, Ian.
I need you back on the shop floor.
All right, but give me a call on the talkie if he turns nasty.
Do you think he might? Maybe.
My training's taught me that shoplifters are probably not to be trusted.
No offence, mate.
Some taken.
I'm sorry about your nose.
So are you the manager then? Cos I'm meant to be at an important meeting in about half an hour.
I thought you were picking your kids up from school? I've got a meeting with their teachers afterwards.
So can I go? No, you can't.
You can't.
Now listen, the police are gonna be here shortly so you can do all your chatting to them.
Good.
Cos, cos you've got nothing on me.
I-I-I never even made it out the shop.
You, on the other hand, are guilty of false imprisonment Mr Mr Gavin Strong.
That's enough chitchat, thank you.
And where's my stapler? I was just looking at it.
Put it back.
So how does it work then? This dragon thing? You just go in there, tell them you've got a really good idea and ask for some money.
So I could say, I have an idea, I want to paint my house? No, it has to be an idea for a business.
Oh, I get you.
So I could say I want to own Ray's Stationery.
What's Ray's Stationery? It's a new business idea where I have a stationery shop.
Yeah.
It's quite good, actually.
I don't want the ones with cauliflower and the broccoli.
I-I just want broccoli.
Well, why don't you just take the cauliflower out? Because there'll be residue.
Bloody hell, suit yourself.
Have you got any with just cauliflower? Cos I've got a nasty broccoli allergy No, we don't, we just Oh, my God! Kieran! You all right? God, look at you! You look really good.
Why have you come back? Oh, I-I-I just came to do some shopping, they don't have supermarkets in Newquay.
They just eat pasties.
Really? No, of course not.
Oh.
I've come to see you.
I wonder if I'll ever get married.
Do you want me to answer that for you? Because I pretty much know.
I always wanted to marry someone just like my mum.
Yeah? That's not weird at all, is it.
Is Lisa like your mum? No! My mum was a lazy cow who didn't give a shit about anyone but herself to be honest but erm Sorry, love, I'm closed.
Oh, Jesus, Leighton, what have I done? So what's it like in Newquay? Oh, it's ace, you'd love it.
It's better than this place anyway.
Hey, it's not that bad.
Seriously, though, I finish my shift at the bar, walk straight on to the beach.
Brilliant.
Yeah.
Can you surf yet? Oh, yeah, nearly managed to stand up the other day.
I know, I seen your photos on Facebook.
Oh, did you? You didn't say anything.
Sorry.
It's all right.
So if it's so brilliant, what are you doing back here then? I came back for you.
You're not even typing nothing, are you? I am, thank you.
And some of us, you know, we work for a living.
Don't be making judgments about me, Gavin.
You don't even know me.
I-I-I used to be a a shark just like you, then suddenly no-one wants to buy encyclopaedias and I'm out on my ear.
I'm sorry.
You're quite right.
I shouldn't have said that.
Apology accepted.
Let's shake on it.
Come on, shake my hand.
Come on man shake my hand.
Come on, shake it.
Yeah.
The police are taking their time, aren't they? Is that my watch? What? I found it! Your laces are undone.
Well, come on, get 'em for me, will you? Oh, great, Margaret was right.
It's started already! Piss off and do it yourself.
That's exactly what my mum used to say.
Say the power goes out and you need to urgently find out about, I dunno the Romans.
Where do you go, huh? An encyclopaedia.
An encyclopaedia.
Yes, I suppose.
But, er You can't stand in the way of progress.
You know, we've all got to move with the times.
And that's exactly what I did.
Sometimes you've just got to know when the game is up.
Let the next man have his time in the sun.
Sorry, Gavin.
Just wanted to check, were you calling the police or was I? You were.
Oh.
Right.
Bollocks.
Oh, just go.
What? Really? Oh, thanks, mate, you won't regret this.
Oh, and Thomas.
Yes? Have you got my hole punch? I'm sorry, I know this isn't very romantic, is it.
in here.
Should have got you flowers or something.
I get hay-fever.
I didn't know that.
That and pretty much everything else about me.
But, great idea, Kieran, I'll just jack everything in and move to Newquay and kip on your friend Pete's sofa.
You stay there, I'll go get my coat.
I know this is mental but just think about it, will you? You're not meant to be here, you always said that.
And where am I meant to be, Newquay? You don't get to just walk in and turn my life upside down like that.
I've got a future here now.
A future here, in Valco? Yeah.
Are you joking? Oh, maybe you're right, maybe I don't know you that well at all.
I need to get back to work.
Maybe you should just leave.
Yeah, well, maybe you're right.
I'll see ya later.
Here's the thing, right I don't think we should get married, Lisa.
You're going to kill me, aren't you? Are you serious? Yep.
Well, I don't want to get married either.
I was just coming to say the same thing.
Let's not do it then, yeah.
We can still shag, though, right? Obviously.
Oh.
Guess we'll have to give all the presents back.
Yeah.
Cancel the wedding list.
Or not.
Right, we could just wait till the last-minute, you know, like the morning of the wedding or something.
Then it's too fucking late to give them back by then.
You're a bloody genius, you are! A genius with a lob on.
Look at that! Look at that.
I've got the key to the disabled bogs Come on.
What are we waiting for? Richard? Oh, give me an ear job, Katie.
Tell me you're accepting my offer.
Well, I am actually.
The aces are in their places.
You won't regret this.
I'll get some graduate wheels oiled up and in motion.
That's great news, Katie, congratulations.
Thank you.
I must admit, at first I doubted you'd have the right faculties but over the last few weeks you've proved more and more that you're management material.
Cheers.
In fact, I see quite a lot of me in you now.
Really? Totes! Yeah.
It's like you've got a mini-me, isn't it.
So I have forgiven you.
Oh, good.
What for? Sorry, Gavin, just wanted to double check.
It's nine for an outside line then it's three nines or four? Just forget it.
I've let him go.
No! Gavin, why did you do that? Well, I'm afraid the company protocol wasn't followed correctly.
I mean, he hadn't passed the point of purchase so we didn't really have a leg to stand on.
I tried to tell Cagney and Lacey that at the time but did they listen? No.
Sorry, A-Anna, you were saying Oh, so now he notices! Are you is this another argument? Because, in truth, Anna, I-I-I'm finding it very hard to keep track.
I am no idiot.
You don't want me to move in with you, do you? No, i-i-it's not that, it's kind of complicated.
If you take the middle wardrobe, where am I gonna keep my Henry Hoover? This isn't about Henry, this is about us! I am thinking, if you don't want me to move in with you then maybe this means you don't want me in your life at all.
Huh? Oh, no, Anna No! Don't try to seduce me back into your arms.
I will not have any more of this honey trap.
It's over, Gavin.
I am leaving you and I am leaving this job.
Don't try to stop me! Don't try to stop me! Sorry, have I missed something again? Anna, wait! Yes, Gavin? Do you want me to pop those, er, those boxes back in your Corsa for you? Uh-oh.
Trouble in paradise.
Anna, just given you your marching orders, has she? Yes, I think so, although sometimes it's so hard to tell.
Well, as they say, all good things come to an end.
Nothing lasts for ever.
Sometimes it's better to just quit.
Quit while you're ahead, or if you're not ahead, just quit anyway.
Cos when the going gets tough, it's time for you to get going.
And quit.
Well, I'm not sure that that is how the saying goes, Richard.
Well, maybe not.
But it's still good advice, innit.
We are still talking about me and Anna, aren't we? Laters, G.
Oh, oh, Leighton, do you want me to go through that holiday application form with you now? Oh, no, it's OK.
I e-mailed it straight to HR.
So I didn't need you after all.
Oh, good.
Good.
That's, er Very glad to hear it.
Night then.