Ultimate Spider-Man (2011) s03e12 Episode Script

I'm Spider-Man.
And at the moment, I'm slip-sliding through a trans-dimensional wormhole.
Hey, it's safer than a New York taxi.
My arch-enemy, the Goblin, is world-hopping, collecting DNA from every Spider-Man he can find.
Don't know for what reason, but it can't be good.
And these other worlds have been well, let's just say some of the other worlds are weird and some of the other worlds are wrong.
Some of them are both weird and wrong.
One new world, dead ahead.
Hey, who turned off the color? This place makes Latveria look downright cheerful.
Ugh, no time for sightseeing, though.
I need to find the Spider-Man of this alternate world [Siren blaring.]
If there is one.
And let him know that the Goblin is coming for him.
[Sirens blaring.]
[Tires screeching.]
[Laughs maniacally.]
There he is.
[Goblin laughs.]
You again! [Sirens blaring.]
You know, I don't think he has a permit for that thing.
This'll heat things up.
[Sirens blaring.]
Pumpkin bombs.
Gobby's up to his old tricks, all right.
[Explosion.]
[Sirens blaring.]
Where are you, wall-crawler? [On radio.]
Jameson here.
This just in.
Witnesses say a man disguised as a green monster stole a riot van and is leading the cops on a Chase through midtown.
Who is this madman? And most important, who can stop him? [Grunts.]
That would be me.
Ah, this world's version of Spider-Man.
Nice.
Very noir.
That's some outfit.
Was the costume shop out of Santy Claus suits? Oh, I assure you, I'm for real.
And I've come for you! [Noir Spider-Man grunts.]
[Grunts.]
[Tires screeching.]
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
[Siren blaring.]
You don't have to be in one piece.
I can scrape what I need off the sidewalk.
[Groans.]
[Groans.]
Easy, trench coat.
I got ya.
[Grunts.]
I don't know how you pulled that off, but why are you dressed like that? What are you, some kind of circus clown? My pal Nova might say yes, but I'm here to help you stop that maniac.
He's an enemy of mine called "the Goblin.
" I work alone.
[Grunts.]
Nice to meet you, too, sunshine.
[Siren blaring.]
[Goblin laughing.]
[Both grunt.]
This joyride ends now! [Both grunt.]
[Grunts.]
Now, hold still.
Don't like the look of that.
I don't blame you.
I hate shots, too.
Spider-Man! [Grunts.]
I think you mean "Spider-Men," Gobby.
[Roars.]
As in, "we Spider-Men are out of here.
" [Both grunt.]
[Goblin roars.]
[Grunts.]
[Tires screeching.]
[Screams.]
You don't think that's the last of him.
Based on past experience, I'd say no.
Gobby's a wiz at pulling last-minute disappearances.
Whoa! Speaking of disappearances, seems like Goblin has some competition.
Real homey place you got here If you're a cockroach.
Who are you? Let's just say I'm not from around here.
And by "here," I mean this universe.
Wise guy.
[Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
It can't be.
Do I look familiar? Not anymore, kid.
Yikes.
Note to self, stock up on moisturizer.
Look, I'm here to help you stop The Goblin before he comes for your blood.
- What is he, some kind of vampire? - Worse.
Crazy scientist.
I know this sounds pretty weird.
Look, ever since some exotic spider bit me, my life's been nothin' but weird.
But you did what I did.
You became a hero.
Some hero.
I didn't even want the job.
But if I don't go out there every night, this city will drown in its own evil.
Criminal scum will take over.
The weak will suffer.
Whoa.
Easy there, tall, dark, and brooding.
Let's make a plan before Goblin finds you.
I'll find him first.
Stay here.
I don't need some pesky kid taggin' along.
"Pesky kid?" Moi? what kept you, Chuckles? I thought I told you to stay put! Hey, whoa! Talk about your not-so-friendly neighborhood Spiderman.
[Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
I'll bet this world's version of Aunt May, is a real hoot.
Aunt May? Ain't seen her in years.
Why? Hey! Sometimes, the only way to protect someone is to leave them behind.
Another note to self, don't turn into this jerk.
[Grunts.]
Tag! You're it! Get lost, pesky! Crime-fightin' in this town is serious business.
Dial it down, Chipper Charlie.
I know villains who are more fun than you.
What's that? The Goblin? [Jameson on speaker.]
Spider-Man and his deadly green accomplice terrorize the city.
Keep your radios tuned to "the Bugle" for updates.
Relax, kid.
It's only Jameson's news blimp.
Uh I knew that.
[Mary Jane on radio.]
This is M.
J.
Watson with a Bugle bulletin.
I'm live at New York airfield, covering the arrival of the Daily Bugle airship.
Awesome! In this world, Mary Jane made it as an ace reporter.
So I hear.
You pushed her away, too? Bad things happen to dames who hang out with guys like me.
I used to think that too, but you don't have to sacrifice friendships to be a hero.
[Mary Jane.]
Wait a minute.
People are running.
Screaming we're being attacked! A maniac riding it looks like a glider.
He's throwing some kind of pumpkin bombs.
[Goblin laughing.]
The Goblin! He sees me! He [Mary Jane screams.]
Oh, no! It's Mary Jane! [Spider-man.]
We gotta save her! [Mary Jane groans.]
[Chuckles.]
You want to talk about sacrifices now? Hey! Wait for Pesky! Don't worry, folks.
It'll be a short flight.
[Laughs.]
You'll never get away with this! Well then, maybe the spider will stop me.
[Goblin on speaker.]
You hear me, spider? Catch me if you can! Oh, I can and will.
Believe it, Goblin.
[Goblin laughing.]
Goblin will be expecting us to web-swing after him.
Okay.
So what won't he expect? - You ever fly an autogiro? - Ever fly a what-now? - Come on! - Whoa! Spider, spider, come up and play! [People screaming.]
Ha! You're no threat to me.
Laugh now, gargoyle.
The spider will cut you down to size.
You talk like you know him.
Maybe he cares for you.
[Gasps.]
Let's see how much.
[Footsteps thumping.]
Let me go! [People whimpering.]
Ah! Made to order.
To catch a spider, I'll need a fly.
[Screams.]
[Mary Jane screams.]
[Noir Spider-man.]
Oh, no! - Is that Mary Jane! - Mary Jane! - I'll get her.
- Wait! Let me help you.
Pete, trust me.
Okay, go.
I'll ditch the egg beater.
[Grunts.]
Spider! Why are you dressed like a clown? I'm not the spider.
He'll be here any second.
[Goblin.]
Good.
I'd hate to think I went through all this for nothing.
Ow! Gobby, inside voice.
Hold on! [Grunts.]
Wait.
Where's [Goblin roars.]
[Screams.]
[People panic.]
- Still vainly following me, I see.
- I got a "frequent alternate universe hopper" ticket.
[Grunts.]
I collect points with each world I visit.
I'm saving up for a jetpack.
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
[Groans.]
[People scream.]
[Goblin laughs.]
[Screams.]
No! [Woman screams.]
[Glass cracks.]
[Screams.]
[People screaming.]
[Screams.]
[Grunts.]
I got 'em! You take the Goblin! [People screaming.]
Don't worry, folks.
I saw Iron Man do this once.
[Grunts.]
Yeah! Anyone has to barf, lean over the web.
The rest of you, follow me.
[Goblin laughing.]
Come on, ugly! Let's rumble! [Groans.]
Go, spider! [People cheer.]
[Goblin grunts.]
[Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
[All cheer.]
And Goblin is down for the count.
Hey, hard-boiled! Wait up! We used to be friends, till you brushed me off.
Why? Couldn't risk it, Red.
If anything happened to you or someone I cared about But you can't live in fear of what might happen.
You care so much for others.
You have to let someone care for you.
[Goblin.]
I care.
[Screams.]
[Grunts.]
One spider closer to my ultimate goal! [Spiderman.]
Uh-uh-uh.
Not on my watch.
He just trashed the ship's controls! [Grunts.]
[Groans.]
Nothing gets by you Except me! [People screaming.]
[Grunts.]
[Laughs.]
If the blimp crashes, it'll torch midtown! Then we'll ditch it in the river.
[Jameson on radio.]
Hello? Hello? This is Jameson.
What's happening up there? Hold onto your hat, boss.
There are two Spider-Men in New York.
What's that you say? Two of those wall-crawling menaces? Menaces? Applesauce! They're heroes, and I've got the photos to prove it! [Engine whirring.]
[Spider-man.]
Going down! Please your arms and legs wrapped around the superhero at all times! [Grunts.]
[People whimpering.]
I'm glad we got to spend this time together.
[Grunts.]
Come on, Red.
Beat feet! [Both grunt.]
[Jameson on speaker.]
East side, West Side, all above the town, look to the Daily Bugle's [distorted.]
eye in the sky.
[Spider-man.]
Please fasten your seat belts, stow your tray tables, and thank you for flying web-slinger airlines.
[People whimper.]
[Noir Spider-Man grunts.]
[Mary Jane whimpers.]
See? Good things happen when you let other people into your life.
Kid's right.
No way even you could have done all that alone.
Somethin' to think about, I guess.
You did good, kid.
[Goblin.]
Yes.
Congratulations all around! Tonight, I'm a winner, too! [Laughs.]
[Laughing continues.]
I hate that creep.
Looks like your pal got what he came for.
Yeah, and where he's headed, I have to go alone.
- Take care of yourself, tough guy.
- You too, wise guy.
[Spider-Man grunts.]
Good-bye, gloomy world.
I hope the next place I land is more cheerful.
Once again, I'm headed down the rabbithole.
er make that wormhole.
I'm going after the Goblin.
After some of the weird worlds I've seen, I'm ready for anything.
I take it back! [In Southern accent.]
Whoa! Would you look at that? [In Southern accent.]
How-dee-do, stranger.
[Crows caw.]
How-dee-do, talking crows.
O-kay.
Crows talking? Guess I'm not home yet.
[Screams.]
[Groans.]
[Flies buzzing.]
[Bubbling.]
[Sighs.]
Never fails.
I'm all set to take a nice wallow and some varmint falls in the pool.
[Groans.]
You're a pig.
Very perceptive.
And what are you under that mask? A monkey? [Snorts.]
'Cause only a monkey would wear a costume that stupid.
Speaking of costumes, you ever see anyone around here wearing one like mine? [Scoffs.]
I wouldn't be caught barbequed in it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, this piggie's going to get roasted.
I'm serious! This world's spider er, whatever is in for big trouble! I have to warn him a bad guy's coming for both of us! You're wasting your time, Spider-Monkey.
The guy you think you're looking for doesn't exist.
[Sighs.]
[Scoffs.]
For a talking pig, he wasn't very helpful.
[Yelps.]
Hey, jackpot! There's my guy, down there! Hold on! I want to talk to you, Mr.
spider Scarecrow? [Sighs.]
This costume looks like it was designed for - A pig.
- [Pig.]
Okay, you found me out.
The name's Porker.
Peter Porker.
AKA Spider-Ham.
That figures.
Let me guess, you got your powers from a radioactive spider bite.
A spider bite, yes.
Radioactive, no.
Seems the critter fell into a batch of my Aunt May's super vitamin-enriched wheat cake batter.
[Chewing.]
[Squealing.]
Somehow, the vitamins in the batter, [tires screeching.]
transferred the spider's abilities to me.
[Oinking.]
I pledged to use my powers for good And even joined the Avengers! But then, everything changed.
[Jackal laughs.]
What kind of hero is a Spider-Ham? Sounds more like a spider-fail to me.
[Porker.]
He made Spider-Ham sound like a failure.
And every creature believed it.
And soon, so did I.
From that moment, I was Spider-Ham no more.
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Chickens clucking.]
So that's it? You just quit? Haven't you ever felt like a failure? Sure.
I've even walked a mile in your hooves that time Loki turned me into a pig.
Uh what? Long story.
The point is, I know people depend on me.
They need a hero to save them when things get bad.
And trust me, hambone, things are about to get real bad.
There's a monster called the Goblin, looking for you.
Could you maybe try to help me stop him? [Goblin.]
It'll take more than one little piggy to save you.
[Chickens panic.]
[Spider-Man groans.]
[Porker groans.]
[Goblin laughing.]
[Chickens clucking.]
There's no spider on this world, Gobby.
Just you and me doing the pig pen polka.
Mwah! [Growls.]
I am so rascally! Whoa! Yikes! [Grunts.]
[Goblin yells.]
Thwip! [Goblin growling.]
[Goblin yells.]
[Crows honk.]
[Screams.]
[Groans.]
[Whistling.]
Whoa! [Groans.]
[Goblin.]
Wrong.
[Screams.]
I've been to the city.
Heard stories of a powerful, wall-crawling boar, who fought alongside this world's greatest heroes.
Nothing like that shaken pile of bacon I just scared off.
[Spider-Man groans.]
I'll find that superior hog and get a sample of his DNA.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screams.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Groans.]
[Gurgles.]
Okay, this is getting ridiculous and messy.
[Laughs.]
Here's mud in your eye, wall-crawler.
And mud in your mouth, and mud in your lungs, and mud smothering you! [Laughs.]
[Spider-Ham.]
Hands off the monkey, big bad! [Goblin groans.]
[Grunts.]
[Oinking.]
[Spider-Man groans.]
Thought you were afraid of being a failure.
Even I never lost a fight to a nut with an anvil.
If you can take humiliation like that, what am I worried about? Ready, Spider-Monkey? Right with you, Spider-Ham! Go hog wild! [Screams.]
[Car horn honking.]
[Screams.]
[Chuckles.]
[Spider-ham chuckles.]
[Grunts.]
That's all, Gobby! No! I've come so far! I have to win! Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.
[Oinks.]
Yeow! My chinny-chin-chin! That'll do, pig.
That'll do.
[Grunts.]
[Spider-Ham.]
Ow.
[Goblin laughing.]
Hey! One side, vermin! Spider-Ham! Iron Mouse? That's the green monster who was asking about you in town.
- You need a hand? - Nah.
My pal and I took care of him.
Please.
You were the one who saved my bacon.
Uh no offense.
Does this mean you're ready to rejoin the Avengers? Hmm.
What do you think? That, on this world, Tony Stark is a mouse? Awesome! Hey! Well, I can't tell you what to do.
But, in my family, we have a saying.
"With great Porker comes great responsibility.
" O-kay.
The ham is back, baby! - High four! - Oh, yeah! Thanks, Spider-Monkey.
Anytime, Hammy.
See you around the funny farm.
[Grunts.]
So long, talking crows! Did we just see a Spider-Monkey fly? Well, now I've seen everything! [All laugh.]
W-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay, Goblin.
Let's see what alternate world is next.