30 Rock s03e13 Episode Script

Thanks for coming out and for watching.
Love, peace, and hair grease.
Me, Lutz, Toofer, and Josh are gonna go to that bar where the waiters are dressed like ninjas.
You in? No, I'm just gonna go to the 24-h donut place and go home.
All right.
Donuts and then bed.
What are you depressed about or celebrating? It's this endless adoption process.
It took me 3 months I am totally humiliated.
How could you cut diaper chicken? Wait, I know.
Because Tracy's the star.
Oh brother, she's feeling neglected.
How's she gonna act out this time? My ankle! Imaginary injury.
I would have said death of a voice coach.
Her birthday's on Tuesday.
Maybe all that attention will make her ankle feel better.
- What are you still doing here? - It's Friday night.
I need something to do.
Don't you have some gallery opening or a fundraiser to give bow ties to inner city youths? Of course.
But I'm committed to Elisa.
While she's away, I try to avoid temptation.
I just need somewhere I can socialize where women aren't an issue.
Finally! Ninja time! Episode 312: "Goodbye, My Friends" Excuse me? Can we get a little service over here I know you're getting these messages cause I know how to check your voicemail.
You are officially a d-bag, Tim.
I hope you lose your indoor soccer game.
Sorry, what can I get you? A dozen assorted for me to take home to my family.
- And the lady will have - A dozen assorted.
Adoption brochure.
Should you be working the night shift alone like this? It's fine.
They gave me a gun.
That's $6.
80.
I will have mine to stay, please.
You want a dozen donuts to stay? And a skim milk.
- What are you doing? - Making a new friend.
- You have crazy eyes.
- You have shut-up mouth.
- I don't want any part of this.
- Then get out of here.
That creative thing you guys do, writing jokes for a living, making the world laugh.
What do your dads tell their friends you do? Surgeon.
Optometrist.
Died.
I never really knew my dad.
So, I just lie to myself.
Space assassin.
I grew up without a father too.
Good ol'Billy Donaghy left when I was 2.
He'd show up every now and then to impregnate my mom, punch out umpires in my little league.
Last time I saw my dad, he went out to get the candles for my 4th birthday lasagna and never came back.
My whole life I said I was gonna be something.
Restore the glory of the Rossitano name.
In sicilian dialect, it means "well poisoner".
In gaelic, Donaghy means "dung basket".
So, I worked my ass off at SUNY.
Got into Fordham law.
You went to law school? But I had to drop out after a semester cause my mom got sick.
Mothers.
What are we doing next, fellas? Don't tell me we're calling it a night.
How lame do you think we are? The night is young.
We're going to Lutz's to watch movies.
Tonight, a classic.
Harry and the Hendersons.
You in, Jack? Yes, but I don't wanna go to Lutz's apartment.
His contract is up and I don't wanna feel sorry for him.
- What do you say we go to my place? - Sounds good.
And when I told Tim I was pregnant, he just freaked out and didn't call me for a week.
Then he texted me and he was like, "I love you.
No, I'm mad at you.
"You did this on purpose.
" As if.
Meanwhile, his Myface page still says, "Status: horny".
And I'm, like, "If you care about me at all, "at least have the decency to Skype me face to face.
" Man, there are just so many different devices for guys to not call you on now.
When I was your age, you could just be like, "He probably tried to call me but my line was busy.
" And then just watch Falcon Crest and cry yourself to sleep.
Thanks for listening to me blab.
So, what's your plan when the baby comes? I don't know.
Been talking to an adoption lady, but I don't feel comfortable with them people.
They all just seem really old and weird.
Not one of them even knew who Neo is.
I need you Finally, thank you.
Somebody cool for once.
Get out of here! Can't you see we don't want you anymore? Why can't you go back where you came from? And leave us alone! Go.
Goodbye, my friend.
He had to be mean to save him.
Harry belonged in the woods.
It gets me every time.
This reminds me of my favorite movie.
Shane.
When Joey wants to go with Shane and Shane makes him stay? Maybe it's because we didn't have fathers.
Maybe that's why we're drawn to movies where the father-figure pushes away the child/legendary north-american forest ape.
But in the movies, it's a good thing.
Harry went back to the woods.
It works out in real life too.
We're both doing all right.
Excuse me, Mr.
Jordan.
I was updating my staff birthday list and I discovered I don't have yours.
That's because I don't have a birthday.
- What? - I don't have a birth certificate cause I was born inside of Yankee Stadium.
I bounced around foster families so much, no one ever bothered to throw me a party.
But even prisoners have birthday parties.
I saw one on Oz.
It was interesting.
I don't need a birthday.
I buy myself all the presents I need.
And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.
But birthdays aren't about presents.
They're about being surrounded by people who love you, eating a cake with your name on it and making a wish.
I'm sad you never had that.
My birthday's September 21st, not that anyone asked.
This morning it hit me in the shower why the Hendersons named their guest Harry.
That film has layers.
I was also thinking about what you told me about your family and law school.
Sorry.
I was drunk.
I shouldn't have told you that stuff.
No, I'm glad you did.
We have a lot in common.
We both have dreams about being overpowered by a female bodybuilder.
OK, we were both drunk.
But I wanna help you.
So I made some phone calls and if you want, you can resume your law studies at Columbia, this semester, full scholarship, no strings attached.
Are you serious? Make your mother proud.
Make your father hate any new children he might have.
But I've got a whole other life now.
I guess.
But we both know you shouldn't be working at a desk with Fake vomit on it.
Right.
Fake Excuse me.
Please don't be a daughter I didn't know about.
Congratulations.
- What is she doing here? - She's the show's new youth consultant.
It's a thing.
The CW has them.
Can't believe you're in charge of all this.
It is challenging and satisfying but it can't fulfill all of me.
I've got so much more to give.
Welcome.
So do you want me to start youth consulting now? Because kids would not be into that.
That guy's the worst.
This is the dress I'll be wearing to my birthday party.
Make sure no one else plans to wear the same thing.
Yes, ma'am.
Did you know Mr.
Jordan has never had a birthday party? He was too poor growing up.
That's horrible.
My heart goes out to all the inner city kids.
Especially those too fat to dance their way out.
I'm glad you feel that way, cause we have this big party planned for you.
I know.
And we thought you could share it with Mr.
Jordan.
The party, the attention, everything.
Isn't that a great idea? That's so great.
I can't believe Tim hasn't called.
I guess I don't even care about us anymore.
But this is his baby.
I mean, him not even being there for the kid is totally washed.
Typical Tim.
Anyway.
I guess I have two choices.
Go back home, try to get back with Tim and keep the baby, or give up the baby and focus on my music.
So Tim, keep baby.
Music, give up baby.
Can I play you one of my songs? Now we are joined In a cobweb of rainbows Stop.
Stop right there.
Tears.
The world needs to hear your music.
You have crossed a line.
She's never gonna make it with those songs.
Says who? Being terrible has never prevented success in the music business.
Look at Biz Markie or The Doors.
Before we were happily married with five kids, Paula and I were Tim and Becca.
I tell you, she is confused and he is terrified.
He ran away! So did I! Five times.
But I came back.
And when my caveman brain saw those babies with their little Hornberger foreheads it clicked.
You gotta give them the same chance.
- What are you doing? - My pregnant teen message board says the baby gets all its food from the mother, - so you have to give it stuff it likes.
- No, the baby can't taste anything it just gets nutrients from you.
I'm gonna post a reply to Juno32 and tell her she's a giant asswipe.
I can't believe you don't have kids.
What's that? Well, you'd make such a great mom.
You're smart, succesul, grounded.
Go on.
- You already dress like a mom.
- And stop.
It's not the right time for me to have a family, but - Is that something you'd want? - Yeah, Becca.
It is.
- Will you sing with me? - I'd ra Mothers and fathers And jugglers and judges Now we are joined in a cobweb of rainbows He's coming! The plan is working! I bit my tongue! Surprise! What a schmo, entering first.
Now I'm the headliner and he's just the warm-up act.
I'm Mr.
Don Rickles and he's just me.
But I don't have a birthday! You do now cause we all love you and wanted you to feel this joy.
I do feel it.
You're all so amazing.
And to think I was just calling y'all a bunch of racists.
Stop Jenna time.
Friends, I am leaving TGS for Columbia law school to pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer.
Did you know that if you sing "Happy Birthday" on a TV show - you have to pay for it? - I did not know that.
My dad got us all seats for opening day at the new Yankee Stadium! No one ask me about my back brace.
Make a wish, Mr.
Jordan.
Blow out the candles.
No one ask me about my back brace! Is that you? I decided to take up on your offer.
Good man, and you went to my tailor.
That's the same cut Reagan wore the day he got shot.
My mom is going nuts.
She's insisting you come over and let her cook dinner.
Home cooked italian? I'm there.
Now let me hear you say the 7 most important words in the american judicial system.
My client has no memory of that.
I also would have accepted, "can't prove that's the governor's semen.
" What's the matter, Mr.
Jordan? You only make cheese friends when something's bothering you.
You were right.
Birthdays are special.
And now mine's over.
And who knows when February 24th will come again? Now that warm, happy feeling is gone, there's no cake in my mouth, and that birthday wish is malarkey.
Malarkey! Come on, Daniel.
I am so proud of you.
A lawyer.
Someday you'll have an ad on the subway in english and spanish.
And this man.
What you have done for my boy.
Go open up some more wine.
You got it, mom.
What do you think you're doing to my boy? I'm trying to help him.
I see myself in Frank.
- We have fathers that abandoned us.
- What do you know about his father? You want him to be a lawyer so he won't be like his father? His father was a lawyer! And his father's father.
All the Rossitano men are lawyers.
It's in their blood to be lawyers! - Then what's the - For the mob! What? Frankie's father didn't abandon him.
He's in hiding in Phoenix.
Every Rossitano man is either in hiding or six feet under.
You want me to paint you a picture? Cause I did! It's part of a therapy through painting thing.
- I had no idea.
- Well, you shoulda guessed.
- I don't think I should have.
- Whatever.
I'm not gonna take my kid's dream away from him.
You made this mess, you clean it up.
I don't care how.
But Francis Rossitano cannot become a lawyer.
Hold on a second.
- Do you know a Tim? - What? Why? Security says that there's a Tim Baker downstairs.
Here? He came here? That's Becca's ex-boyfriend.
Tell them to send him to 15.
He's coming to steal my baby.
Don't even ask about the wheelchair.
Also, my old vocal coach died! Come on, come on.
- Lemon, are you OK? - That pregnant girl, she was going to give me her baby.
But now that dad is here, he's gonna ruin everything.
- What are you about to do? - I'm the one who's been there for her for almost two days.
This Tim guy is totally washed! There was once a great American named George Henderson.
He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend.
When time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God, he did it.
Did it hurt? You bet it hurt.
Like a bastard.
But he did it because it was the right thing to do For the woodland ape.
You think about that.
What? Is that Harry and the Hendersons? You've seen it? This is my life, Jack.
Miss Maroney, are you OK? I think I'll be OK in time for tomorrow's show.
But then I have to go in for more tests.
I'm so brave.
I wish you felt better so you could help us figure out what Mr.
Jordan's birthday wish coulda been.
What? Why? So we can make it come true and his birthday can go on and on.
We've narrowed it down to "own a Robocop, "hunt that elephant that paints, "or breakfast in bed.
" But it wasn't his birthday.
It was my birthday.
Forget it.
I'm tired of making you people try to care for me.
You don't care for me, clearly.
Nobody does.
My birthday wish came true! - What? - I wished for you to get better.
I was gonna wish for breakfast in bed with Robocop while an elephant paints us.
We were close.
Then I saw you with that back brace on right before I blew out my candles.
It's a birthday miracle! That's the kindest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Now let's make Miss Maroney's birthday wish come true.
That's so sweet.
But who would I celebrate with if y'all were in a car accident? Are you Tim? Becca's Tim? I'm her friend, Jenna.
And she does not wanna see you.
She's very mad and she wants you to leave.
That's That's for the best.
Excuse me.
What floor is the Sci-Fi channel on? Fine, Lithgow.
I'll do the right thing.
God! I guess someone's been watching The World According to Garp.
Damn it, wait.
Becca does wanna see you.
She wants it more than anything, OK? When you said she didn't wanna see me, it was such a relief.
This baby thing is freaking me out.
You know how many people want what just got dropped in your lap? "Now's not a good time.
I wanna go to Burning Man.
" Shut up! Do you love Becca? She's like my soul mate.
You're not listening, dummy! Nut up right now, get a job, and help raise that kid.
Love it because it has your goony face and get married and have disposable cameras at the wedding because it's fun and people like it.
Where are we going? I already cleaned out my office.
You've gotta go back where you belong.
You've gotta go.
No, I'm gonna be a lawyer.
I'm going to be like you.
Get outta here! Go to the writer's room! There is no scholarship! Can't you see we don't want you anymore? Think about it.
Do you really want your kid to grow up without a father? I don't understand.
Why don't you go back where you came from? Leave me alone! Goodbye, my friend.
Those two, they both grew up without fathers.
Hey, baby.
My God.
Look at your boobs.
Kiss or something.
Go on.
Rainbows and the cobwebs And the cobwebs of the rainbows And stop.
I guess, in a way, we both lost children today.
Yeah, but mine was real.
Yours was Frank.
Don't worry.
I'm confident that someday you'll have everything you want.
Can someone tell me how to get out of this building? It's like a maze! I keep walking past the same Sbarro's! I'm a celebrity! Please! Sad