Black-ish (2014) s03e13 Episode Script

1 I'm going to therapy.
I'll be back by dinner.
- All right, baby.
Have a good session.
- Thanks.
Dre: Bow and her therapy Mom and I think it's hilarious.
I mean, no offense to the other crazy races, but black people have gotten along just fine without therapy.
And we're not the only ones.
That's why you'll never see this.
But am I happy? [Coughs.]
I have so many words for "snow," but no word for "love.
" What hole am I trying to fill with all this pillaging? And I definitely don't need it because I have my own ways of coping with stuff.
- Shut up! - Quiet! [Grunting.]
What do you think about that, coach?! Huh?! - Bah! - [Chokes.]
Aah! You suck! I'm surprised one of these kids ain't came up here and kicked your ass.
The occasional angry outburst, that's just how I cope.
Who opened my Valpak?! Huh?! It is against the law to open another man's Valpak! Damn it.
I am missing some coupons.
Hey! I didn't make it this far - [Door closes.]
- paying full price for carpet cleaning! Get down here now! I'm starting a witch hunt! Bow, get my bat.
- Dre - Bow, I said, "Get my bat"! Okay, um I think you need therapy.
I I don't need therapy.
I'm not mentally ill.
Ruby: That's right, baby boy.
- Not even close.
- Mm-hmm.
You think I go to therapy because I'm mentally ill? Yes, plus some other stuff.
What other stuff? Your controlling nature.
The fact that your children don't need you anymore.
The constant fear that I'm going to leave you.
The ghosts of all your dead patients.
Ooh.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, Dre.
Do it your way Scream, scream, scream, yell, yell, yell, heart attack, stroke.
Grieve, grieve, grieve, marry Rick Fox.
[Laughs sarcastically.]
My way works for me because I don't live in a touchy-feely world - with champagne problems.
- [Sighs.]
Mm-hmm.
Dre, you don't think I have real problems? You don't think I get mad? Excuse me, Nurse Moonbeam.
Oh, it's actually Dr.
Rainbow Uh, well, I mean, Johnson.
Whatever, hon.
I'm married, okay? - Now scooch over.
- Papa's got Journey tickets.
Yeah, got to see if that Filipino kid's for real.
Oh.
Um And how in the hell does therapy help with that? It helps a lot.
I should've said something, but I'm such a people pleaser, which I know comes from my father's inability to validate me Oh, no.
[Clears throat.]
From my inability to accept that my father - doesn't see my need for validation.
- Mm.
- Good.
- [Chuckling.]
Right? Ahh.
[Sighs.]
That was really good.
Okay, so, basically, what you're saying is, you pay someone $200 an hour to sit there and listen to you figure out your own problems? [Chuckles.]
Well, after the co-pay, it's actually $180.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
See, see, see, see.
It wouldn't cost you anything to shove that doctor's Journey tickets up his Okay, okay, okay.
Thank you.
Thank you, Ruby, for the mental-health tip.
You're welcome, Rainbow.
This is nice.
Wh See, look at that.
Bow, we're fine.
- Okay.
- All right.
No anger problems.
Sure, okay.
Damn it! They take the carpet-cleaning coupon, but they leave the Tony Roma's?! This makes no sense! Ooh! Oh, I swear my hand before God, if I get my hand on that bat, it's on! I'm coming up there for y'all right now! Ooh! I'm gonna whoop some ass! [Shouting indistinctly.]
Mom just told Dad he needs therapy.
It's the beginning of the end.
Mid-pregnancy divorce? Mom really painted herself in a corner with that one.
[Chuckles.]
What a fool.
Guess the only thing left to do is decide who we're gonna live with.
Well, Mom clearly has poor timing, so strike one for her.
But Dad always hogs the big TV and might drop dead at any moment.
Wow.
This is gonna be a photo finish to the bottom.
By the way Dad knows you opened his Valpak.
Remember, you have an eternal light that shines inside of you, and you are on the verge of totally crushing it.
All right, Ase, Carol.
Let's Let's touch souls again next week, okay? All right.
- [Gong crashes.]
- What was that? Oh, I'm a life coach.
That's not just something you say without an explanation.
Well, I teach people how to get in life's face.
To unlock their fullest potential and become their perfect self.
And what makes you qualified to do this? I have beautiful hair, I travel the world, and I live in a house that I pay nothing for.
I could use some help.
- We all could.
- So, what do you want to fix? - Everything.
- Uh-huh.
And what specifically? Specifically, all of it.
Great, got it.
Zoey, what about you? What do you want to fix? Absolutely nothing.
Really? You got it all locked down at 17? You know who else had it all locked down at 17? Your mom.
When do we start? [Gong crashes.]
- Like a three-legged girl.
- Ooh, interesting.
Hey.
Look here, guys.
Bow says I need therapy.
Do I look crazy? Only when you're eating ribs.
And lobster.
Sunflower seeds aren't great, either, boss.
Popcorn shrimp makes you look like Jeffrey Dahmer.
You are a very aggressive eater, Dre a scattershot.
Sometimes it looks like you're gonna take a piece out of your own hand.
Yeah, we're all worried about you.
I mean, every lunch, it's like, - "Is this the day?" - Mm-hmm.
Besides, therapy's not just for crazies.
Hey, I go twice a week.
Paying someone to listen to your problems, it's like a hooker for your feelings.
Uh, hint so are hookers.
- Oh.
- But I am a big believer in therapy, Dre.
It looks great at divorce proceedings, like you actually cared enough to try.
You privileged bastards ever hear of a bath? That's what you do when you grow up wondering - where your next meal's coming from.
- Mm-hmm.
You don't have time to worry about your feelings.
- Mnh-mnh.
- No, it's food, clothing, and not getting bit by street dogs.
Thank you.
See, I knew that you would get it.
Oh, I wasn't talking about me.
I had a horse.
Yeah, but but I-I still don't need therapy.
I just drink wine and visit Smokey.
Okay, she does not speak for me or us.
All I know is that, instead of complaining about our problems, black people have turned 400 years of bottled-up, traumatic stress into gold.
Jazz, blues, music - Macaroni and cheese.
- See? I mean, besides, telling somebody your problems sounds dangerously close to snitching.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Connor: Wait.
Hold on a second.
Therapy has worked out all of my problems.
I go every single day, and I'm gonna keep on doing that even when my court-ordered mandate expires.
Uh, that that doesn't expire, sweetheart.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, to be honest, Dre, as much as you guys complain about how you've been mistreated by this country, I'm surprised you don't live in therapy.
Especially since you guys, you know, sometimes have a A little bit of a problem with your anger.
What? Well, that's an insulting generalization, Josh.
- Oh, I didn't mean to - What is he looking at? Who? [Window squeaking.]
What the [bleep.]
you looking at?! - Whoa.
Whoa.
- You! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You! Curtis.
Today got to be the day, huh? Today got to be the day I got to put my hands on somebody.
- Oh, no.
- That's Santiago.
What? Ruby? What happened in here? Oh, nothing.
You have the audacity to bring day-old Entenmann's into my house?! Are you insane?! [Dre chuckles.]
Does that seem like a normal way to react to coffee cake, Dre? It was day-old, Bow, all right? You know once you crack that seal, you got six hours, tops.
Besides, it was just a friendly disagreement in prayer group.
Are you sure you don't want to go to therapy? I mean, there's no hope for your mom, but there's still hope for you, Dre.
I'm fine.
I don't need this.
- [Doorbell rings, knock on door.]
- Okay.
Ugh! Hey, look here, man.
You got to ring and knock? One or the other, bro.
Give me my shoes.
Thank you.
You got a problem? Nothing.
You got a problem? Oh, we can handle this right now.
Come on, bring it in! Bring it in, playboy! So, maybe some therapy wasn't such a bad idea.
After Omario asked to get taken off our delivery route, I decided maybe a 50-minute yack session with this quack wouldn't hurt.
Ahh.
Hope you don't mind.
You said to, uh, make myself at home.
I never said that.
Although those shoes look good, they are not comfortable.
They're Jordan 5s.
- You know, you've been here about 35 minutes - Mm-hmm.
And all you've talked about are your shoes, which would be great if I were buying shoes.
Well, you probably couldn't afford them.
Well, maybe you could with what you charge.
- [Chuckles.]
- That's funny.
Thank you.
Have you always used humor as a deflecting mechanism? You know, I was just trying to bring some funny, get some laughs.
Tell me about your childhood.
It was cool.
Perfectly normal.
You know, I was a kid, then Boom I wasn't.
End of childhood.
Okay, tell me about your parents.
Well, there's nothing to tell.
My parents got divorced after my mother shot my father.
- Wow.
- Hmm? Did this happen during your "perfectly normal childhood"? Oh, no, no, no.
I was grown when that shooting happened.
Uh the stabbing happened during my childhood, yeah.
You must have been scared, growing up around stuff like that.
[Scoffs.]
Wasn't nobody scared.
I was too busy making people laugh.
You see, because if they were laughing, they weren't fighting.
And if they weren't fighting, they'd remember to make me dinner.
Sounds like you took on a lot of responsibility to help keep your family stable.
[Quietly.]
It's cool.
Perfectly normal childhood.
Uh Uh perfectly normal.
[Exhales shakily.]
Oh, something's in my eye.
Dad attacked a delivery guy again.
Was he looking at him? [Scoffs.]
Allegedly.
Well, there's no chance that won't come up in a custody hearing.
So I guess we're living with Mom.
But she's gonna be miserable.
Divorced woman with five kids [Scoffs.]
Rough.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- She's gonna make me her best friend.
- You? I'm gonna have to go on forced fishing trips with strong male role models.
There's got to be other options.
[Gong crashes.]
What about Zoey? She'll be 18 soon.
Yeah, we could live with her.
Zoey: I won't edit my dreams.
Johan: Instead, what will you do? I will accept it.
I will expect it.
I will perfect it.
- Now walk through the symbolic fire.
- Yes.
[Clears throat.]
[Sighs.]
Wow.
- Congratulations.
- We just burned your illusions.
So, Zoey's out.
Your turn.
Wh Wait, why is mine on actual fire? You have a lot more illusions to burn.
Okay.
- [Junior screaming.]
- So, Junior out, too? Junior was never in.
- [Door closes.]
- Rainbow: Hey, how'd it go? Good.
Fine.
Pretty normal.
- Okay, look, sorry.
I'm deflecting.
- Mm.
Did you know that my issues come from both my mom and my dad? - Yeah, and that I compensate with - Yes.
With food? - No.
- Oh.
- Anger.
But But wait.
- Hmm.
Is that a thing? Food? Because I love food.
Ruby: Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Is somebody trying to stop my baby from eating food? - No.
- Unh-unh, unh-unh.
- Food makes you feel better.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
You finish off this ham and cheese.
Oh, thank you, Mama.
- Uh-huh.
- Thank you.
- So - Mm-hmm.
Sounds like you got a lot more work to do, Dre.
Well, that's exactly what Dr.
Harris said.
Huh.
You gonna go back? Nah, she's completely booked up.
Why don't you take my sessions? - I cannot do that, Bow.
- No? You've already missed this week because of me.
Ah, Dre, I have a 15-year reservoir of self-examination.
So I'm sure that I can maintain my tenuous grip on sanity while you work out your issues with calzones.
- Good, because I'm going to Sbarro's.
- Oh.
- For hunger, not for problems with food.
- Okay.
Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
[Scoffs.]
"Problem with food.
" People ain't got no problems with food.
It's not cocaine.
People got problems with cocaine, and I will never do cocaine.
Bow gave me her sessions.
And over the next few weeks, Dr.
Harris and I dug deep into everything, especially my anger issues.
You know, Dre, hurt people hurt people.
You've had a lot of painful things happen to you, and sometimes, as a result, you lash out.
You don't know me! And everybody knows that's a damn wig! It's called a sew-in, Doctor a sew-in.
But eventually, I made some progress.
Let's do an exercise.
You're pumping gas, and you notice the guy in the booth is looking at you.
Okay, I-I don't think I'm ready for that, Doc.
You're ready.
What do you do? Okay, is it after 10:00 and the booth is locked up, so there's no way that I can get to him? Nope 3:00, you can easily get to him, no glass.
Then you know what I want to do.
But what are you going to do? Don't attack, take a step back? Yes.
Someone can look you in the eye, Dre.
It doesn't always mean a threat or a judgment.
Okay.
Hey, and, uh I'm sorry I said what I said about your dumb wig.
Ooh.
See, I'm attacking again.
Now, you know, I was hurt a lot.
But I do know a good wig guy.
Not a wig.
I don't know what it is.
Meanwhile, Bow was doing just fine without therapy.
Excuse me, Dr.
Honey Bunny.
Got to jump in here real quick.
Ahh.
But I got an excuse I'm not good at waiting.
- [Chuckles.]
- Aw, what's with the face, huh? I remembered you were a doctor.
[Sobbing.]
Oh, God! I should've just told him, "Go to hell, Dr.
Jerk!" But I'm a people pleaser! Why doing I always have to please people?! Why?! - [Door closes.]
- Hey, babe, how was your day? Great.
All right.
Guys, time for our end-of-week accountability audit.
Let's start with high points, huh? How are you crushing it and/or killing it? Well, I walked down the hall at school wearing a Dothraki battle girdle without the fear of ridicule.
- Yes.
- I didn't even get spit on.
Well, I got spit on once, but it barely got in my mouth, so Nice.
And, Zoey, how are you crushing it and/or killing it? - I spat on Junior.
- Great.
It was a real breakthrough, Doc.
He looked right at me, and I didn't do anything.
Ordinarily, I would've jumped on that school bus and dragged that kid out.
Oh, that is great, Dre.
Real progress.
So, now, let's talk about your issues with food.
Um I-I haven't had breakfast, and this has egg in it.
What the hell is on your head? Huh? Let's talk about that.
So, it was two steps forward, one step back.
But I was on the right track in dealing with my anger.
And that brings us to the key pillars of our marketing campaign.
All right, Connor.
Take it away.
What, me? Oh, sorry.
I didn't prep.
I was at the park pretty late testing out some new night-vision goggles.
What? I killed myself, and you do nothing? You worthless piece of - Whoa.
- Ohh.
Don't attack, take a step back.
Don't attack, take a step back.
It's a therapy tool.
Like Zinfandel and a horse that keeps your secrets.
No.
Real therapy.
I've been going, and it's working.
I'm learning to cope with my anger better.
Oh, so that's why you didn't freak out when Mr.
Stevens said the only way Obama got into Harvard Law was on a basketball scholarship.
Fact.
Say what you want, I'm not gonna take the bait.
Okay, so, you're not gonna be mad about this new tattoo I got that says "ALL LIVES MATTER"? Nope.
I know you're just trying to rile me because hurt people hurt people.
Really? So, what if I told you that, for the first three years that you worked here, I hired extra security just to walk the women out to their cars at night? [Chuckles.]
- Doesn't bother me.
- Really? I have my tools.
Stop being so racist.
I mean, there's plenty of things to rile Dre up about that have nothing to do with the color of his skin.
Mm-hmm.
- He can't stop having children.
- Right.
- He can't stop buying high-tops.
- Oh, boy.
He walks around with a pocketful of watermelon Jolly Ranchers.
That's true.
Wow! You're a real stereotype.
Somebody get him.
I got a simple one I get paid more than you.
That's fine.
- Doesn't bother me.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
So, I was swallowing all my rage.
Hopefully, Bow was doing better than I was.
Hey, sweetheart, you mind if I just get in there Oh, you want to scrub in? Yeah, you want to scrub in? Go ahead! Why don't you scrub in?! Here, you need some gloves?! Scrub in! Go ahead and scrub in! You want to scrub in, baby? All right, baby, go ahead! Yeah, go ahead! Want some paper towels? Here's some soap! Oh! What are you looking at?! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! Scrub in.
Go.
Scrub in.
Dr.
Johnson says, "Scrub in"! [Sobbing.]
[Both gasp.]
[Sobbing.]
Occupied.
[Both sobbing.]
I want my mama! Coach, could we have a wor Crush it.
The pillow is life.
- Mm-hmm.
- Crush your life.
I'm crushing it.
Expect it, accept it, perfect it.
Ahh! [Sighs.]
Thanks.
Ah, I really felt it that time.
See you next week.
Ahh! Who was that? That's my life coach.
Our life coach has a life coach? Oh, yeah.
And he has a life coach, and his life coach has a life coach.
And one day, after a weekend of training at the Burbank Airport Radisson, you'll be life-coaching 5 to 10 of your friends.
That sounds like a pyramid scheme.
No, no, it's just a multi-tiered marketing opportunity to improve your life and the lives of 5 to 10 of your Oh.
[Clicks tongue.]
Louis? Louis! So are we gonna talk about what happened yesterday? What happened? I caught you crying in the closet.
[Chuckles.]
I'm a man, okay? I was not crying.
Okay.
So what were you doing? Cocaine.
Oh, my God.
What were you doing, huh? I thought you said you had it all under control.
- I don't! - Yeah, I know that.
I'm mentally ill.
So am I.
Severely.
I need my therapy back.
I am not right.
I flew into a rage at work today.
I trashed a scrub room.
I pulled things off the wall.
I do not think that they are gonna pay me this month.
Property damage? Oh, that's next level.
I'm not proud of myself, but Dr.
Gabler is a sexist pig, and standing up for myself was the right thing to do.
I just, eh need to find a better way to do that.
I'm not gonna lie.
- Therapy brought me some good.
- Hmm.
Stevens actually thanked me for not blowing up at Connor for not doing his work.
- Doesn't even sound like you.
- Mm.
Huh.
You're growing.
Plus, Connor's not gonna be making more money than me now.
- Nice.
- We'll be making the exact same.
What? Dre, he's only been there six months.
- Three.
- Huh? That's why, if I ever hear something like that again, I'm gonna need to be able to go off.
I can't walk around, feeling my feelings all day.
There is a janitor at my job that stares me down.
Do you know how racist my boss is? Yes, I get his Christmas cards.
Who would think to put blackface on a snowman? - Mm.
- That's sick.
My anger is how I cope.
And I know it doesn't always need to be my got-to, but I'm gonna need to be able to bark at a lot of what I'm confronted with in life.
I just can't sit on that.
It'll kill me.
Can I have my sessions back? - Oh, yes! Take them.
- Thank God.
Thank God.
- Oh, God.
- But, hey But you got to do one thing for me.
What? Find out what's going on with Old Girl's hair.
- Right? - It's like a dead possum.
So, Bow and I figured out there needs to be a balance.
And she managed to find a way to talk to Dr.
Gabler.
- You are gonna have to wait.
- It's important.
Yes, well, my self-esteem is important.
And I learned that my anger is useful in some circumstances.
Of course, I did not need to go full-prison-yard in every situation.
Oh! Oh.
I saw him looking at you, boss! - Oh, oh.
- No.
Aha! Aha! Go to sleep.
Go to sleep.
[Both slurping.]
So [Sighs.]
Mom and Dad are staying together.
Yep.
I was actually getting used to the idea of them splitting up.
I had so many plans.
Mom was gonna marry The Rock.
And Dad would try to keep up with The Rock by buying us stuff.
But no one can keep up with The Rock.
This sucks.
I can't write rap lyrics about having two parents.
God, every time I see them kissing, I want to set them on fire! Seems like you two could use some advice on how to crush Save it.
I'm sorry.
I just really need $6,000.
Mm-hmm.
[Both slurping.]