Boston Legal s03e13 Episode Script

- Previously on Boston Legal.
- Why do you smell of sex? Is it Brad? - Did you tell anybody? - How could he possibly know? - What? - This time I detect both Brad and Jeffrey.
- What happened with Sandy? - She just didn't like me that way.
There will be women who do.
If Bethany's out, I am hugely available.
- Can I take you to dinner? - Actually, I'm getting on a plane.
- Where are you going? - Hawaii.
- Is it my mother? - Yes.
I hope I didn't hurt her.
Oh, tell Bella she better watch her back.
- Denny! - Bella! - You look blue.
- I've been attacked by vicious terrorists! - Terrorists? - Ecoterrorists! You need to go to court and get me a restraining order, Denny.
And I want it done today.
Bella, you look blue.
I am blue.
The C.
O.
T.
A.
, Coalition Opposed to the Testing of Animals- They've been after me for years.
- Why? - My company.
I own Plum Cosmetics, makeup for the robust woman.
- I don't use them.
- I can tell.
They claim we experiment on animals to test our products.
- Do you? - Well, of course we do! We have to ensure the makeup is safe, for God's sake! I have just had enough of these psycho animal-loving liberal thugs! Damn.
- Denny, give me the gun.
- It's mine.
- Hey! - I want you both to get them.
I'm unavailable, Bella.
I apologize.
Why not? Because I have more fun things to do than represent you, that's all.
- Such as? - Uh, root canal.
Maybe I could stick something really sharp in my eye, the simple pleasures.
I want you and the other name partners of this firm representing me.
I'm not representing you, Bella.
- Denny! - One moment, cupcake.
Shirley? Shirley, when the woman is unhappy, the man is rarely satisfied.
I'll let you play with my gun.
Your gun goes off too prematurely for me, Denny.
It always has.
Vanessa, you're wearing a yellow dress.
- How could you tell? - It's lovely.
Thank you.
Could we get you to put your tongue back in your mouth there, soldier? Thank goodness we have you, Brad, to keep track of our tongues.
Would you like a list of all the places mine has been this week? Perv.
Brad, not to start up trouble, but you're not the only one.
You do realize that? - What are you talking about? - I'm sure you can figure it out.
You're not the only one.
I just got off the phone with the D.
A.
's office.
- They picked up a Mr.
- - Steinkellner.
Yes.
And while he is officially denying that C.
O.
T.
A.
Painted you blue the coalition condones and supports it thinks you look good in a primary color and is, in fact, calling for a second coat.
They're not gonna stop until I'm dead.
You need to do something.
Now! I feel a wintry frost blowing my way.
Okay, I'll try to set up a meeting.
In the meantime, maybe you could either try to talk her off the ledge or push her over.
I heard that.
She's jealous 'cause I've aged better.
Bella, maybe those people aren't protesting your cosmetics so much as you being you.
You might keep in mind that should I marry Denny I'll have a stake in this firm.
Unless someone manages to drive that stake through your heart, small target that it is.
You want to adjourn to the powder room? Bella, I'm the senior partner in a law firm.
I sit on the board of directors of a university, two museums and a hospital.
L- I consider myself an intelligent, civilized and dignifiied person.
All of which is to say that if you and I were to adjourn to the powder room I would kick your over-the-top ass.
I'm aroused.
- May I speak with you? - Sure.
I was thinking about what you said about how there will be women out there who like me for me.
I said that? I'm kidding.
Of course those women are out there.
Lots of women, Clarence.
I was wondering- Whether you might be one of them.
Gee, I wonder where Clarence could've gone? Huh.
Take off the bag, Clarence.
- Am I fired? - No, you work for me.
I'm willing to quit, if it affects your decision.
I don't want you to quit.
And I'd love to go out with you.
- Really? - Really.
I need to go to the bathroom right now.
Men's room, Clarence.
Um, M-Mr.
Crane? Um- My name is Matthew Steinkellner.
You wanted to see me? You're the man who attacked Bella? No.
I-I-I've never attacked anybody, okay? There must be some mistake.
You made it, son.
Here's a piece of advice.
Your group needs to stop targeting Bella Horowitz.
I say this not only out of concern for her life, but for yours.
Okay.
I-I'm sorry.
That sounds like a threat.
I mean, is that legal for attorneys to make threats like that? Here's another piece of advice.
Always have your lawyer with you.
That way, when I deny having said something which I typically do, you'll have a witness.
Well, actually- I will mop up the courtroom floor with you, you fat old man.
What's going on here? Well, well, well.
Princess Hideous.
She's representing the man who painted you blue.
You got a problem with that? Bethany, no matter what our differences, sweetheart I certainly never brought you up to represent terrorists.
This has nothing to do with who I'm defending, queenie.
This is about who I'm going after.
Come on, Matthew.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Where's Shirley? Denny? - They just left for court.
- What's going on? What is going on is your presence is hereby requested- Check that- required at our office costume party this Thursday night.
A costume party? I have taken the liberty ofhiring a consultant for the purpose of improving office morale.
Evidently, costume parties are gold.
Moreover, I want each of you to dress up as somebody whose values or strengths you like to imbue yourselves with.
Where's the fun in that if we all come dressed as you? The point is to reveal a little of yourself to your coworkers.
And I am serious about this.
I want you all to make an effort.
This is so high school.
As opposed to you and Jeffrey slugging it out in the men's room? - I won.
- Did not.
- Shut up.
- There's some morale.
You will all be there in costume, no exceptions.
That is all.
- Denise, can I ask you something? - Sure.
You sleeping with anybody else? First of all, that's a personal question.
- You're sleeping with me, so I thought I should- - Shh! You and I have an arrangement.
No exclusivity.
Fine.
But there are safety concerns.
You can assume that any sex I am having is safe.
Not that I'm having any separate and apart from you.
- Are you sleeping with somebody- - I'm not having this conversation.
I will not be made a fool of.
Are you sleeping with somebody else in this office? If you no longer want to sleep with me, that's fine.
I'll miss it.
But I'm not answering these questions.
He may deny that he did it, but he's behind it.
His little group has been harassing me and my company for years.
And now, he's hired my own daughter to further aggravate me.
Objection.
I agreed to aggravate you for free.
Hold on.
I don't allow people to play out family problems in my courtroom.
Just what is it you want from me? I want a restraining order keeping that man's flock of protestors away from me.
They carry their placards outside my corporate headquarters.
They say that we kill and torture animals.
They verbally assault anybody going in or out of our building.
I'm losing business.
I'm losing clients.
I'm losing employees.
I mean, enough is enough.
Thank you, Bella.
She's all yours, my little friend.
The truth is, you do kill and torture animals, do you not? We test our products on animals, yes.
But it is to save human lives.
Oh.
You're a humanitarian.
Hold on just one second.
- Are you a midget? - Are you an imbecile? - O-Objection! - Sustained.
- Your company uses rabbits.
- Like many do.
You lock them in stocks so that just their heads stick out.
You clip their eyelids open and pour chemicals into their eyes while they're left there for two weeks to experience ulceration, bleeding and massive iris deterioration.
Your Honor, the rabbits like it.
Do you not subject these animals to excruciating pain? The rabbits, which are from the rodent family do experience some discomfiture.
But once again, it is to save human suffering.
And what's human suffering to you? Going without blush? - Objection.
- Overruled.
- Objection.
- Sustained.
Sometimes, the rabbits break their own necks trying to escape.
You're saying that my client doesn't have the right to protest that? You're saying you do all this to be humane? Well, I guess people can justify all types of bad behavior can't they, Bella? It's getting ugly.
Denny Crane ugly.
So what gave you the nerve to ask me out? - Oh, I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
Well, it seemed we both have a lot in common.
- Such as? - Well, we both kind of have shells.
Mine's Clarice or Oprah.
Yours-You just have a regular old hard shell to protect yourself.
- Who hurt you? - Nobody.
I'm just a tough New York broad.
Who hurt you? Well, for starters, my father.
- He abused you? - Not sexually, but physically.
And you're the first person I've ever told that to.
Outside of a few who charge by the hour to listen.
- Who hurt you? - Oh, I don't remember.
My mother says I was bullied in preschool.
I either blocked it out or I just don't remember.
I do remember I grew up with a lot of imaginary friends.
- Mmm.
- I never felt lonely alone, but with people- - Do you stay in touch? - I'm sorry? With your imaginary friends? - Uh, well, some.
We have reunions.
- Ah.
Am I too weird? You're just weird enough.
- It's Coho, isn't it? - I beg your pardon? You're having sex with Jeffrey Coho.
The only part of my sex life that is any of your business is the part that involves you.
- Just tell me if it's him.
- Denise, everything all right? You look a little overextended.
I'm sure there's a long, very complicated answer, but what is your problem? You're right.
It's a long, very complicated answer.
I had a wonderful time.
He's a great guy.
- Isn't he a little tender for you? - I like tender.
- Just because I'm not doesn't mean- - Hey! You got a sec? - I guess.
- Listen, I realize we're not exactly friends.
Yeah.
I was hoping to make progress at the costume party.
- Yeah.
Could you step into the closet? - Excuse me? I want to have a conversation in private.
Just step into the closet.
I didn't know you were out of the closet, Brad.
Are you and Denise having intimate relations? - Why would you ask me that? - Are you? - Are you? - Matter of fact, I am.
- Answer my question, please.
- I will not answer your question.
Do you know what wildfire ink is, Jeff? It's a chemical used to find certain evidence under ultraviolet light, Brad.
You get a gold star.
It also lights up when it's mixed with certain types of oils some of which are very difficult to get off your hands.
Excellent.
I'm sure that would be very interesting if I cared.
I rubbed some of those oils on Denise's hands.
Excuse me? This is a portable ultraviolet light.
- Do you have anything you'd like to tell me? - Only that you're insane.
I'm gonna turn off the light to the closet.
Let's see if Denise's hands have been anywhere near you.
I take that back.
You're really insane.
This is awkward.
- You don't like animal testing.
- COTA is against animal cruelty of any kind.
- You paint people blue.
- But somebody else beat us to Bella.
The protests at my client's company.
- That was us.
- You throw blood on people wearing furs.
Uh, it's- It's dye.
But point taken.
- People wearing synthetic furs.
- Well, they promote the fashion.
- People who eat meat.
- Slaughterhouses.
- Leather.
- An animal's hide.
- Wool.
- Same.
- Football.
- Skin of a pig.
- Cancer research.
- Oh, come on! This case doesn't involve cancer research.
She tortures rabbits to make a better mascara.
What the hell is going on here? What's going on is that we're both in love with the same man.
- It's not you, Judge.
- I am not in love with him.
Silence! I'm very confused.
Know what bothers me about this case, Denny? - That you've come between a mother and a daughter.
- I know.
It was always such a fantasy.
- You've got the power to settle this, you know? - I don't think so.
Bella would sue me for malpractice if I counseled her to drop the case now.
- Why? - 'Cause I'm getting ready to drop Bella.
Really? But she's so sweet.
I can't shake Bethany.
Maybe it's that tight little ass those big breasts, normal size head.
Why is it men become such fools over the normal size head? I'm getting ready to drop the big one for the little one.
It's gonna get ugly, Shirley.
- Denny Crane ugly.
- Mm-hmm.
Now I'm intrigued.
So? What's the answer? When I was a sophomore in high school I attended my very first dance.
There was this girl standing across the dance floor wearing a yellow dress.
She was so beautiful.
I didn't have the courage to ask her to dance.
Perhaps for fear of the long, lonely walk back across the gym floor after being refused.
I finally willed myself to go ask.
And then, suddenly, she was gone.
In a fleeting second, she must've left.
I began to imagine what she must've been like.
Her laugh, certainly her kiss.
I still know exactly what that feels like though I've never felt it.
She's been a figment for an imagined standard by which all other women seem to have fallen terribly short.
How would they not, after I've individualized her with every quality I so long for? I've never met the girl in the yellow dress.
Seeing you, I guess it just- Here I am revealing a little of myself even before the costume party.
How dare you? Rubbing me with chemicals? When I choose a restaurant, I like to know who else eats there.
Whoo! Way to a man's heart.
You ever tried blindsiding him in the kidneys? Bella, we're supposed to be in court.
Denny's already left.
Yes.
I-I was hoping to grab you for a second.
- By the throat? - Ick.
Too much dead tissue.
What do you want, Bella? I think you probably know I don't like you.
There have been signs.
Well, the reason is because I've always known how much Denny loved you.
He never loved me that way.
But I seem to be making progress.
Anyway, Denny holds you in a light that- Well, Shirley, it's this simple.
Denny still seeks your approval.
I would be forever grateful if you would approve of me.
I love him, Shirley, more than anything.
- You have got to be kidding me.
- I'm sorry, Ms.
Simms.
But the New York Yankees take pride in being very humorless.
I say that off the record of course.
I simply cannot allow you to display their logo without approval - for which I'll need a written request.
- What's going on? - This little peanut somehow found out- - My name is Mr.
Prig.
This Mr.
Prig somehow found out that I got a Yankees costume for our party.
He's threatening to enjoin me from wearing it.
We take ourselves very seriously.
What if I do wear it? Well, now that you have notice, we could avail ourselves of punitive damages.
And I'm a very punitive little Prig.
Look here, you little gnome.
You need to busy yourself with something important.
Like buying up the best players on the free agent market so you can win championships.
Keep your pompous asses all buffed.
Allow your fans to feel good about themselves even though most of'em can't spell and have mug shots.
What did I say about Clarice coming here? Sorry.
He seemed to be picking on you, and she just took over.
I don't want her to take over, as your boss and especially as your girlfriend! What? Are you-Are you my girlfriend? Um- My client isn't protesting against a doctor trying to cure AIDS here.
He isn't singling out a hunter trying to provide food for his family.
He's going after a billion-dollar cosmetics company that tortures rabbits in the name of makeup.
There are all kinds of alternative testing methods and thousands of ingredients that can be safely used to make the same products without hurting animals.
Revlon does it, Avon, Clinique.
But not big Bella.
She just doesn't care.
We try to pass ourselves off as a compassionate people, Your Honor.
We prioritize kindness as one of the most important values to instill in our children.
Integrity is another.
Where is either in making animals suffer in the name of our personal vanity? At some point, people have to stand up and say, "This is wrong.
" That man and his coalition stand up every day.
My God, the question can't always be, "How much money do we want to make?" It should be, "Who do we want to be?" We're a funny people, Your Honor.
We have all these feel-good movies about animals, whether it be Old Yeller or saving the whales, or penguins marching off to wherever they march to.
I must admit I didn't get my academy screener on that one.
And every May, we drink mint juleps and dress up in fancy clothes and wear silly hats as thoroughbreds are led out like royalty for the Kentucky Derby.
My God, we treat them with such reverence.
Never mind that a two-year-old thoroughbred's bones aren't fully developed enough to withstand such a pounding.
And we certainly don't talk about how after they stop competing many racehorses are slaughtered.
- Does she kill horses? - No, she doesn't, Judge.
- Then what's your point? - My point is despite our proclaimed love of animals they really exist for our amusement, our pleasure.
Whether it be the caged ones in zoos, the cooked ones on our plates the ones we make sick so we don't have to be.
Ms.
Horowitz thinks that we should draw the line somewhere.
I agree.
But at vanity? This is America the beautiful- Land of the breast, cheek, and hair implants where we surgically suck fat from our guts cut open our faces and stretch them halfway up to our crowns inject our lips with collagen.
During the holidays, we give gift certifiicates for laser peels.
I can see you've had yours.
And makeup? Ha! Dear God in heaven, makeup is how we pull it off.
Without it, my client would look likeJerry Lewis.
I still don't know what the hell you're talking about.
I'm simply saying that we, as a people as a nation, like to feel pretty.
It's who we are.
And if it means a few young rabbits have to sacrifice their lives well, they and their families can take heart because they did so for their country.
Because when you think about it all we can really hope for at this point is to save face.
Did that help? - She tanked it on purpose.
- I did not tank it.
That speech was against me.
Why didn't you tell me she was a communist? - I thought you knew.
- Alan, coming to the party tonight? You know how I relish the chance to try out a new frock.
There's a rumor you'll be in mine.
Mmm, I would love that.
Size 8? Alan, you will not dress up as me tonight.
Shirley, we've been instructed to choose somebody we admire.
That leaves you and Dog the Bounty Hunter.
You will not dress up as me.
Alan, you've got to help me dump Bella.
I'm not good when it comes to breaking up with women.
I'm too soft.
- Denny, you shoot people.
- I thought of that.
But it would be illegal except in Florida.
You're going to have to dump her yourself.
I'm sorry.
Alan, at least help me win back Bethany.
I didn't mean to embarrass you.
I just really needed to know.
Why? Because- Of all people, why him? Actually, he's a pretty decent guy, Brad.
Denise, I don't think I'm modern enough to handle this friends with benefits thing.
So I think I'm just going to have to beg out of this arrangement.
- Okay? - Okay.
First of all, I will say for the record I don't believe in all that moisturizer Botox, fountain of youth "poopycock.
" Please, Judge.
How else could you look like you do at a hundred? Uh- I am ordering Mr.
Steinkellner and his coalition to stay at least 100 feet away from Ms.
Horowitz- the regular size one.
As for protesting at her place ofbusiness if it's a public area, he may do so.
- Yes! - This is still a moderately free country.
Adjourned.
I am not happy.
Well, they won't be able to paint you blue, Bella.
- L-I- I've got something to say.
- What's going on? Uh, you once said that if it wasn't over for Bethany and me you wouldn't, uh, want- Bethany isn't over for me.
Not in my heart.
Well, Denny, she hates your guts.
Yeah.
But the thing is, uh, I don't hate hers.
Oh.
Well if, uh, my daughter's in your heart it's, uh, not a mother's place to- Oh, I'm sorry, Bella.
I know you won't believe this, but I actually do place her happiness above my own.
I wish you both the best.
Please don't hurt her, Denny.
I didn't have to shoot her.
So you won.
- Still undefeated.
- And Bella? She took it like the man she is.
And now comes the tough part.
Denny, under what pretext is Bethany coming in? Well, I told her I had a settlement offer in lieu of an appeal.
I really think you're capable of handling this yourself.
- Mmm.
- Just speak from your heart.
It's just that it's been so long since I've done that.
What's the offer? Bethany this is not so much about settling the case as it is settling you and me.
- What are you talking about? - I dumped your mother.
You dumped Bella? 'Cause I can't get over you.
- Too little, too late.
- Bethany.
We all make mistakes.
Too often, people are judged by those mistakes.
I think the true measure of a man lies- lies in his willingness to right his wrongs.
I love you, Bethany.
So, will you join me in a party tonight? Costumes.
You'll have fun.
And you can pretend that you still like me.
Shirley! You won.
I'm, uh, surprised, to be honest.
Well, rabbits are part of the rodent family.
Who are you supposed to be? Phyllis Diller? I'm Albert Einstein.
Who are you? Diane Sawyer.
You were expecting Bill O'Reilly? Paul, at first I thought this was a stupid idea.
But I gotta tip my hat to you.
Jennifer Aniston? Hello.
Isn't it obvious? Well, the prop was a giveaway.
- Well, well, well, well, well.
- Oh, my God.
Denny, it's supposed to be someone you admire.
Anybody who can blast his friend in the face and get him to take the rap for it my kind of citizen.
Oh, damn thing.
Uh, Denny, th-there's a rumor that you're gonna be showing up with an old flame tonight.
I did.
- Danny DeVito, right? - You got a problem with that? "To infinity and beyond!" Dick Cheney, Buzz Lightyear- - All the super heroes.
- Indeed.
I must say, Shirley, being in the Lennon Sisters' dress was a thrill but this- this is the pinnacle.
I expressly asked you not to dress up as me.
- Which is why I dressed as the doll.
- Oh.
"To infinity and-" - Take off that costume, sport.
- You take yours off.
I'm Buzz Lightyear here.
Ask anybody.
- I've always been Buzz.
- Take it off.
- Hey! - I've had enough of him! Now you two are not gonna ruin this party.
Take it outside.
Both of you.
- After you.
- Okay.
Outside.
Go on now.
- Care to dance with me, child? - Oh, no.
What? Who doesn't admire Oprah? Maybe I should have come as Tom Cruise.
We can go home and jump on your couch.
I didn't buy that the first time, honey.
- We dancing? - I'll dance with Clarence.
He's in here.
Hold me tight enough, you'll feel him.
Wow.
Let's go.
Good idea, Paul.
People seem to be very festive.
Well, thank you, Alan.
What's it like being Shirley? The thong is a little uncomfortable.
Ah.
Don't be leading now.
It's always Oprah's show, honey.
Sorry.
Clarence, no Oprah for a second, okay? - Please? - Okay.
I really like you.
I like you too.
So it's a yes with Bethany? She's back? Mmm.
She's still mixed.
- But- - Well, was she at all tender tonight? About what you'd expect from Danny DeVito.
Rule of thumb, Alan.
The way to a woman's heart is not through her mother's privates.
I'll write that down.
Anyway, um, Bethany is gone for the night.
You're not getting in this outfit.
We could go for a quiet drink somewhere.
We're having a quiet drink right here.
I'm driving you absolutely crazy, aren't I? If you had any idea how you look- Shirley was the one, Alan.
One night while making love, she recited Proust to me.
- Did you understand it? - Not a word.
I thought she was possessed.
You're not Buzz! I'm Buzz! - Look at those two.
- I'm Buzz Lightyear! I'm Buzz! Love us or hate us, there's no other place like us.
Here's to that.
Forget it.
Just one dance.
Let me waltz down memory lane.
- One dance if you'll drop it.
- Fine.
And you better respect me.
Do I really remind you of Shirley? Except some of the lumps are in the wrong place.
The lump you refer to is your own.
Lmagine people looking out their window seeing Dick Cheney and Shirley Schmidt dancing on the balcony.
What must they be thinking? Well, if they're regular viewers, they know by now anything goes.
Yes, it does.
- Is that a rental? - Shut up! I had it first! You look like an idiot! Take it off! You stinker!