Call Me Kat (2021) s03e13 Episode Script

1
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday, dear Max ♪
Happy birthday to you. ♪
Yeah!
Wait, wait! Remix! Birthday ♪
- What? ♪
- Birthday ♪
- What? ♪
- Time to get spanked ♪
On your birthday butt ♪
Wicka-wicka-wicka ♪
- What? ♪
- What? ♪
Just be grateful they
decided not to twerk.
Three hours of
rehearsal, down the drain.
I just really want to thank you guys.
You know, it's
it's times like this that you
realize what really matters is
Come on, man.
It's ice-cream cake.
Just blow out the damn candles.
Yay!
All right, let the spanking begin.
Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast.
Ooh!
Demon cake!
Yeah. Probably should've
seen that coming.
- What are you doing?
- Uh, tying my shoe.
Max, I'm really sorry.
Ah, it's all right,
I don't need any cake
as long as I've got
good friends, my health,
and presents.
Presents, presents, presents!
Uh, well, this year I
had everyone chip in
So I'm only getting one present?
Yeah, but you're getting
one really awesome present,
one that you'll never forget.
Oh, great,
like the time you took me
on a "behind-the-scenes tour"
of the aquarium and
gave me a quiz afterward?
What's that?
- What?
- Did somebody's birthday gift arrive?
Oh, my God.
You guys bought me a car?
You're the best!
Oh, uh, we didn't get you
a car, we rented you an RV
so we can take a tour
of the Smoky Mountains
like you always wanted to!
I think he's still really gonna like it.
Hey, babe, what do you
think I should pack?
Katana blade or nunchucks?
Uh, we're going camping in an RV.
Yeah, I'm being silly.
I'll leave Wesley Slice at home.
But I'm definitely
taking Nunchuck Norris.
Hey, um, I know we haven't
set a date for the wedding yet,
but my lease is up and I wasn't
sure if I should renew, or
Well, why would you
renew? We getting married.
Oh, I was hoping you'd say that.
Yeah, I can't wait to live with you.
And all your candles
and tiny little soaps
that I'm not allowed to touch.
Mm. Okay, great.
Well, I'll just tell Max,
and then we can go look for our place.
Oh, good news. Found it.
Wait, what? Your place?
The one with the basketball
hoop and the Star Wars poster?
No, our place.
And that's a limited edition print
signed by the little
guy inside the robot.
So, that's basically an R2-D2 401K.
Yeah, I want to live somewhere
that's a little more us
and a lot less you.
Yeah, but this is a great neighborhood,
and it's right near my son's school.
Well, we can find another
place in this area.
I like this place.
I spilled syrup down the floor vent
so when the heat comes
on, it smells delicious.
Come on, we're supposed to be
starting our lives together.
Look at that little bitty kitchen.
We need a kitchen big enough
for someone who has an ass.
Do not insult my ass.
You can bounce a damn
quarter off this thing.
It's thicker than a Snicker.
No, we can't,
because we have to save our quarters
for the Laundromat
because this stupid place
doesn't have a washing machine.
Oh, if you calling this condo stupid,
you calling me stupid.
Well, if the katana fits!
Thank you so much for watching the cats.
I've been criticizing their
life choices the past few days
to get them used to
your type of affection.
You're welcome.
Though when you said
"take care of the cats,"
I thought you meant
something far more permanent.
Well, it'll be a breeze.
And I jotted down a few helpful hints
in case anything comes up.
This is the binder for Cat-am Sandler.
You'll find the other
14 in the storage room,
right next to Mr. Mittens' diapers
and depression medication.
I have to think the hospital
gave me the wrong baby.
Okay, who's ready to go rough it
in a 400-square-foot rolling apartment
with a microwave, a shower, and an Xbox?
- This guy.
- Well, I'm ready.
I was up all night making
homemade mosquito repellant.
Really? That's a thing?
Oh, yeah. Lemongrass, citronella,
and just a kiss of urine.
There was a cute little red-headed
baby there that I quite liked.
Uh, Gideon?
I can't believe I'm going
on my first road trip.
Good news, I found my harmonica.
That's great.
Yeah, we didn't know
you wanted to come
on a couples' trip
in an RV that only has two beds.
They don't want you to go, kid.
I see.
You-you know what?
The more the merrier.
Yeah, sure, why not?
But you owe me a present.
No donation in my name,
no star named after me, no
tree planted in my honor.
I want a cool toy that I can play with.
You know what, Gideon?
Since you're bringing your harmonica,
I'm gonna bring my castanets.
I mean, I don't want to
oversell it, but check this out.
It sounds a lot better
with the actual castanets.
She knows she smells like pee, right?
All right, that was "From
Depths of Woe I Cry to Thee."
Anybody else have a favorite
hymn they'd like to hear?
How about "On the Road Again"?
Don't know that one, but
here's a little ditty called
"There Is a Fountain Filled With Blood."
Carter, if you ever want
to see me naked again,
you better take that harmonica from him.
Sorry, man. I'm not anti-harmonica,
but I am pro-nudity.
I just flossed my teeth
at 70 miles per hour,
so I'm basically an astronaut.
Oh, Gideon, no more harmonica?
Guess I'll have to do a solo jam.
Carter!
Yeah, I'm on it. Give me these.
Uh, Kat, about this binder
you made for the trip?
Oh, you mean "Max's
Smokin' Birthday Weekend
in the Smoky Mountains,
Asterisk: A Smoke-Free Weekend"?
Yeah.
There's a lot of stuff in here
about things that will kill us:
like bears, killer bees,
and-and eventually climate change?
Well, our greatest weapon is education.
Except against killer bees.
Because, ironically,
that one's climate change.
Okay, "Step one, identify if a bear
is a black bear or a brown bear.
Step one-A, black bears
can also be brown."
Why does everything
got to be about color?
Here's the thing. If you're
attacked by a brown bear, play dead.
If you're attacked by a black bear,
don't play dead.
But black bears can be brown,
brown bears cannot be black,
and if we see a polar bear,
we're on a magical island
where nothing will ever make sense.
We can also fight back with
the most powerful weapon of all.
Prayer.
Or a razor-sharp katana.
Oh, wait. Someone told
me not to bring that.
You know what someone
should've told you not to bring?
Your dumb ass.
- Oh. Here.
- Oh.
Oh, you're gonna regret that.
Uh, is everything okay between you two?
Well, I haven't had a chance
to talk to Max about this yet,
but since our lease is up,
me and this cinderblock-head
decided to move in together.
- What?
- Assuming we can agree on where, or anything.
Oh, I can't wait.
Wait, this fight isn't
gonna break you up, right?
'Cause I already started a
Pinterest board for your wedding.
Your colors are green and mustard.
Mustard?
So, I either got to find a new
place or get another roommate?
This is the same thing that happened
when my mom married Stan.
Don't worry, Max.
When God closes a
door, He opens a window.
And guess who's climbing
through that window, roomie?
Oh, my God.
- Can I get y'all anything else?
- Nah.
- No, thank you.
- We're good.
How about you, sugar?
"Sugar."
That's my first nickname.
I'll give you one.
Martha.
That's my mother's name.
You're cute and funny.
Here's your check.
Gideon.
My name is Sugar.
Okay, Sugar, I think she likes you.
Go talk to her.
- But take the olives off your fingers first.
- Aw. Okay.
I'll go see if she needs
help washing dishes.
Excuse me, Martha
That boy need practice talking to women.
Hey, maybe we should
take him to a strip club.
Oh, well, why don't you just
take him to your bathroom?
It looks like a strip club.
Black tile and those tacky gold faucets.
Oh! So gold is tacky?
You want to call the
Olympics and tell them
that their best prize is tacky?
No, I'm gonna call my cousin
and tell her I'm marrying
the manager of the Bada Bing!
Oh!
You know, I think they staged that fight
because they don't
want to pay for lunch.
Yeah, I think you're probably right.
But it is my birthday, so
Okay, all right, I got you.
And, uh, I hope you saved some room.
There's a really cool place up ahead
that sells cheese in
the shape of presidents.
Kind of itching for
some Pepper Jack Kennedy.
Ich bin ein delicious.
What are you doing?
I'm taking the ketchup packets.
- Why?
- Well, we can use them
on our burgers tonight and, uh
I don't want to brag, but this is how
I've managed to not buy a
bottle of ketchup in six years.
Uh, first of all, weird flex.
Uh, and I have had the same
bottle of ketchup for six years.
You know, you've
actually saved like $1.40.
Oh, I'm not who's about
to be homeless, Max.
Speaking of which,
ever since Gideon said he
wanted to be my roommate
I've been thinking about
how much I don't want that to happen.
- Oh.
- And, uh, I don't know,
I had this crazy idea
that maybe we could
Maybe we could what?
Actually, forget it, it's
No, I-I want to know
what were you gonna say.
I don't know.
You You probably
You might not like it.
Well, I might think it's, like,
the greatest idea in the world.
- Okay, let me guess.
- Okay.
Might it have something to do with
Mi casa es su casa?
Yes.
Do you want to live together?
¡Sí, señor!
And I know it's quick,
but it just feels right.
It totally feels
right. That was so easy.
- Do you see how easy that was?
- Yeah.
Why are Carter and Randi
fighting so much about it?
Because not every couple
is as awesome as we are.
Truth. Suck it, Randi and Carter.
Bada bing and bada boom.
I mean, if this were the
the Olympics of couples,
we would take the gold.
How are we gonna pose when
we get on the Wheaties box?
So, you'll never guess what happened.
If this has anything to do
with The Commander in Cheese,
I don't want to know.
But how good was that Burrata Obama?
With you and Carter moving in together,
I had a great idea.
Max and I are gonna move in together!
Mm.
What's "mm"?
Nothing.
No, that's the same "mm" you used
when I told you I
wanted to get jeggings.
Well, nobody looks good in jeggings.
Well, I do.
What, you don't think it's a good idea?
Honestly, I've lived with you both
and he's gonna drive you crazy.
Well, we're practically
living together already.
We're around each other all
the time and it's going great.
No, this is different.
Max doesn't think anything through.
He's a child. I can't tell
you the number of times
he's left the house for groceries
and came back with water balloons.
It's 12.
That's called being spontaneous and fun.
It's why we get along.
Yeah, but you like things a certain way
and you're kind of an overthinker.
I am not.
Well, I-I guess sometimes I can be.
But, you know, sometimes you have to be.
Hold on, wait; give me a second
and let me think about it.
No, I'm not. Right?
Look, if you want to move
in with Max, go right ahead.
I'm just saying Carter and I
have been together for a while
and even we're struggling with it.
Well, he's struggling
to see that I'm right,
but I'll get him there.
Well, Max and I are a
very different couple
than you and Carter.
Different like how?
Different like better?
N-No. Pfft. No.
Different like Like, uh
equal but separate
like separate but equal.
I'm just
I'm gonna take a left turn
off this cliff over here.
That's what I'm gonna do.
All right, you've got
two zombies on your six.
I'll cover you with the shotgun
then take a flamethrower to the door.
Aw, look, a little zombie girl.
That's cute.
You're gonna bite me?
Chainsawed!
This is so much fun.
Are we having what you
fellas call "bro time"?
Well, we've got beer, video games,
and I'm farting when
I want to, so, yeah.
Hey, did you ask out that waitress?
Well, I left behind
a wicker doll that looked
like the prophet Isaiah,
so I definitely made the first move.
Gideon, you're not on the farm anymore.
When you like a girl,
ask for her phone number,
slide into her DMs, have
sex with her best friend
so she gets jealous,
then make the move over.
Yeah, you got to be romantic.
Women dig that stuff.
Ah, fire in the hole!
Ah.
Uh, by the way, Randi
and I call the other bed.
You sure she's gonna
want to sleep with you?
She seems pretty pissed.
I don't know why she doesn't
want to move into my place.
My first wife loved it.
Losing that condo was harder
for her than losing me.
That's probably why Randi
doesn't want to live there.
- You bought it with your ex-wife.
- So?
I also bought the bed that
we sleep in with my ex-wife.
- Do not tell her that.
- Even I know that.
And the only woman I've ever kissed
was my Nana, right before we buried her.
I have made
fire!
You just turned on the propane.
But I made fire.
Oh, thanks for letting me chop the wood.
Usually that honor goes to the elder
with the season's highest corn yield,
but I won't tell if you won't.
Oh, you're welcome,
but you are letting me
wash the dishes tonight.
Aw, really?
Oh, okay, you can do them.
But you owe me.
You are the best.
Are you not gonna tell him
that we don't need firewood?
Girl, I'm just trying to tucker him out.
I got bored playing fetch with him.
Ugh, what is that smell?
- Nature?
- Gross.
Ooh, nice. Pine-scented.
Uh-oh. What's going on over here?
Making burgers.
But they're not all the same thickness.
Like, look, fatty patty.
Who cares?
Uh, everyone, when
they don't cook evenly.
- It's fine.
- Yeah, well
It's gonna be.
Okay, okay. All right. Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.
Um, hey, where'd you
put the ketchup packets?
Oh, right, so I stuck them
under the seat of the toilet
and when Gideon sat down,
it squirted in his underwear.
You used my ketchup packets for a prank?
Yeah, he thought he was
dying, it was hilarious.
Great. Thanks a lot, Max.
Are you mad?
Well, you knew I wanted
them for our burgers
and you wasted them on a stupid prank.
Mm, awesome prank.
Oh, my gosh, you are a child.
And you're an adult yelling
at me over ketchup packets.
I'm not yelling. And,
you know, it's not even
about the ketchup packets.
We now all have to eat dry burgers
because you didn't think this through
or consider anyone
else and you know what?
Yeah, now I guess I am yelling!
Oh, my God, would you relax?
You know what would help me relax?
The zesty tang of ketchup!
You are being ridiculous.
Is this what you're gonna be
like when we move in together?
You know, maybe it is.
Is this what you're gonna be
like when we move in together?
Yeah, probably,
'cause this is who I am.
Oh, and one more thing.
I liked who you were, fatty patty.
- Give me that!
- No!
- You give me that fatty patty!
- No, stop it.
Give it!
Better couple, my ass.
- Give it!
- Ow, it's hot.
Oh, you can't ride in
the little red wagon ♪
Wheel is broke and
the axle's saggin' ♪
Chug-chug, chug-chug-chug ♪
Next verse, same as the first ♪
Little bit louder
and a whole lot worse. ♪
Everybody!
I'm gonna hit him with my walking stick.
This hike is taking forever.
Why are we even doing this?
Look, I want to go home.
To my fantastic home.
No one is going home!
Okay? We're gonna see a gorgeous
fricking lake in 4.81 miles.
And we're gonna take
pictures and we're gonna smile
and we're gonna post
those pictures online
so that everybody can see
how great our lives are.
#Max'sSmokingBirthday,
#SmokyMountains,
#BinderLife.
Stop talking.
Damn, you beat me to it.
- Holy crap.
- Oh, Lord.
Mommy.
What do we do?
Yeah. What do we do?
Oh.
I'll pray for you!
Okay, that's a black bear.
So that means that it's
either a black bear
or not a black bear.
Well, your binder said to make
yourself as big as possible
and then slowly back away.
Oh, you read my binder?
There was a lot of good
pictures of me in there.
Did the binder say anything
about marking your
territory with your own pee?
'Cause we now have that covered.
Okay.
Everybody, as big as possible.
Uh
You can't ride ♪
In my little red wagon ♪
Wheel is broke ♪
And the axle's saggin' ♪
What are you doing?
I am not dying to that song.
We're supposed to make
noise that's non-threatening.
Uh
Chug-chug, chug-chug-chug ♪
You can't ride in
my little red wagon ♪
Wheel is broke and
the axle's saggin'. ♪
- He's turning around!
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's right, walk away, Yogi.
A lot of things came into focus
when I was protecting
you from that bear.
You were standing behind me.
Wha ?
I didn't want it to sneak up on you.
It's called having your back, Randi.
I don't want to fight anymore.
We went camping with
a bunch of white people
and almost got killed. That's on us.
Look, I get you don't
want to move into my condo
because I lived there with my ex-wife.
You did? I didn't know that!
Well, then I didn't, and
you still don't know that.
Well, I was thinking maybe
we can change a few things
about your place to make
it feel more like our place.
Really? Thank you, baby.
But now that I know that
Stephanie lived there with you,
we are ripping that
sucker down to the studs.
We could do that.
You know, uh, Stephanie was
there when I bought my old Xbox.
So, we gonna need to get the new one.
Sorry your birthday was kind of a bust.
Are you kidding? I punched out a bear.
And you're gonna back me
up when I tell people that,
that's your birthday gift to me.
I have never been so terrified.
Yeah.
I'm really glad you were there with me.
Yeah, the whole thing just made
what we were fighting
about seem so stupid.
I shouldn't have called you a child.
I shouldn't have called
you a control freak.
You didn't.
Right, that was with Carter.
So even though I'm a
bit of a micromanager
you still want to move in together?
Sí, señor.
Yeah, and if you think it's too quick,
I can totally find another roommate.
I said that low in case Gideon's around.
If the two of us can get through that,
we can get through anything.
Except climate change,
that's really gonna require
more of a group effort.
Max.
We're gonna move in together!
Wait, is that the RV?
Hey, is that Gideon driving?
Does Gideon know how to drive?
I'm sure he does.
I'm gonna ask the
waitress out on a date!
Life is too short!
No, stop the RV!
Don't know how! Bye!
Hello, Mother.
Oh, hello, sweetheart.
Just wanted to let you
know we are headed back
and we should be home in a few hours.
Wonderful. Drive safe.
We will. And, uh
thanks again for
taking care of the cats.
Oh, yes, of course.
They were little angels.
Oh, crap.