Community s03e13 Episode Script

This is a historic day for Greendale.
This state-of-the-art Subway sandwichery in our cafetorium represents Greendale's first steps forward into the realm of the legitimate! Students: Ooh.
Oh, oh.
No problem.
You know what? I'm just going to get it started with my teeth.
The legitimate! Oh.
The legitimate! That should be my sandwich shop.
It was my idea to put one there.
- We're here for you, Shirley.
- Yeah.
Troy, Annie, and I know what it's like to be displaced.
They're tenting our building for termites, so we're homeless.
I'm staying in the sleep study lab.
All I have to do is wake up every three hours and go [Screams.]
And I get two credits.
Yeah, and we're going to build a super awesome pillow fort - here at the school.
- Another pillow fort? Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you? That was a blanket fort.
This will be a pillow fort.
Way more difficult, way better.
All difficult things are better, like carrying a disease - or holding in a fart right now.
- Aha! I just found out how Shirley and I are going to take down Subway.
- Oh, how? - Dean? I assume you're familiar with the Greendale bylaws.
- I am not.
- Shirley, you do the honors.
My brain starts getting weird this time of night.
It's 10:00 a.
m.
- You're welcome.
- Uh-oh.
"Any business operating for profit on Greendale's campus must be at least 51% owned by a registered Greendale student"! That's too bad, Dean.
I don't recall seeing Subway in my premenopausal, postfeminist experiential marketing class.
Actually, I'm on the wait list - for the premen/postfem/ex mark.
- Who are you? Gang, meet Greendale's newest student, Subway.
Your name is Subway? Yep, using a groundbreaking but surprisingly legal process known as "corpohumanization", real people such as myself are now allowed to represent the collective humanity of business owners.
I have contractually waived my birth identity and am now a man and student named Subway.
I don't believe this.
Come on, Subway, there is no way you're 5'10".
So you can vote? Actually, no, because technically I'm only a week old.
Aww.
But please don't think of me as any less human than yourselves.
I'm here to hang out, take weird classes, and party as hearty as my morality clause allows.
Eat fresh? Eat fresh? - Eat fresh.
- That's my man.
Wow, did you know Greendale students are technically in the army reserves? Let's say a little prayer for peace.
Give me some rope, time in a tree give me the hope to run out of steam somebody said we could be here we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year I can't count the reasons I should stay one by one they all just fade away Annie, you've got to get me into this sleep lab.
I can't think of a better use of my time here than being unconscious.
It's not a blowoff class, Jeff.
We're only allowed to bring one stuffed animal.
I'm bringing Ruthie [Whispers.]
But using her pouch to sneaking Nathan.
Well, have fun.
Wait, since when do we have lockers? Uh, since registration day, 2009.
Jeff, did you skip the Preorientation Freshman Welcome Seminar and Diversity Fire Circle? This explains so much about you.
Are you saying I've had a locker here for 2 1/2 years? Whoa, whoa.
Wow.
"Halloween dance.
" "Post-Halloween dance.
" "Dance contest.
" "Contest dance.
" Oh, come on.
What's this? "Save Garrett"? What's wrong with Garrett? Nothing now.
We saved him.
Aah! Wait, that's "saved" Garrett? Ooh, what's this? Love letter? Oh, it's probably one of many.
Oh, no.
This is a hate letter.
What? Let me see that.
"Dear Jeff, this might come as a shock "to someone who thinks he's God's gift to the world, "but you're actually an inconsiderate jerk.
Kim.
" - "Inconsiderate"? - Who's Kim? I don't know, and clearly she doesn't know me.
- [Sneezes.]
- Gesundheit.
I didn't sneeze.
[Scoffs.]
Look at these idiots.
Cattle, sheep Other animals that travel in herds.
I want to say snakes.
Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my High School newspaper column "Britta unfiltered.
" - Unfiltered.
I get it.
- Get what? Actually, maybe Subway taking human form could be its undoing.
Uh, Britta You're a, uh, progressive woman of a more liberated looseness.
You could get close to Subway and find out some dirt on him.
Corporate espionage.
I like it.
Microphones hidden in lipstick.
Lipstick hidden in microphones.
And the deadliest weapon of them all - The penis flytrap.
- Okay! This conversation is over.
I am not a whore, and not that I've done the math, but if I were, I'd be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.
- Abed, Troy.
- Ah, don't worry, Dean.
We have all the proper permits right here.
Oh, silly me! This is a coupon for 20% off at bed bath & beyond.
No need to bribe me, Troy.
Actually There's plenty more where that came from.
Look, I was just googling record lengths of stuff, and apparently there's a guinness world record for the biggest pillow or blanket fort.
So you boys you should go for it.
Put this school on the map.
We'd have a better chance of setting the record if we made this a blanket fort, you know, take less time.
We wanted to make a pillow fort.
I don't want to sacrifice quality for square footage.
We don't need a world record to tell us we did something cool.
But if we won, we might meet that dude with the curly fingernails.
Shridhar Chillal? Not interested.
I saw him on a talk show.
He came off as pretentious.
- I'm going to go get a drink.
- Okay.
- Troy Barnes.
- Vice Dean Laybourne.
You have a beard And a ponytail.
Going through some stuff right now, Troy.
Don't worry about it.
[Clears throat.]
Any chance you've given a second thought to joining my air conditioning repair school? Sorry.
Kind of busy at the moment doing some awesome work with Abed.
Ah, yeah, Abed.
You guys watch that television show together, don't you? Inspector Spacetime.
Funny, Troy.
You and Abed have always reminded me of the inspector and his trusty constable Reggie.
[Chuckles.]
Cool! The inspector, of course, is smart, decisive, and Reggie is Well, he's Reggie.
Reggie is trained in zero-gravity martial arts and has a whistle.
[Whispers.]
Yeah.
But he never really gets to blow the whistle unless the inspector says it's okay.
Less of a friendship, more of a self-centered nerd and his naive, obedient lapdog.
Well, I got a thing.
You take care.
Well, according to the office, this is the locker of the only Kim I've had any class with since 2009.
Wonder what you did to make her so mad.
Maybe the two of you made out, and then you forgot about her.
Annie, that's what you think of me? I don't make out with forgettable women.
Can I help you? We're looking for Kim McFadden.
- This is her locker, right? - Are you serious? She slipped a note into my locker a couple years ago.
I guess I pissed her off somehow.
- I'm hoping to apologize.
- That might not be easy.
Kim's no longer with us.
- She died two weeks ago.
- What? Sorry to drop that on you and run, but there's a rally for Garrett.
But we saved him.
Did we? What do you recommend? What's it to you, meat pusher? Sounds like you might be a vegetarian.
You should try Subway's Veggie Delite.
You should try reading Orwell's 1984.
I have.
It's a great book.
It really awakened me in High School.
I think kids should be forced to read it.
Me too.
Anyway, you're living it.
You're a human puppet with big sandwich's hand up your ass.
Is this what you dreamt of being? Unfortunately I'm not allowed to discuss my former life or engage in any nonplatonic relations, practice religion in public, or eat any nonfresh, unhealthy food like that found anywhere outside Subway.
Why are you getting all that? I wanted to stand next to you for a moment.
It was worth it.
Like a good book by Orwell or a Veggie Delite.
Is that you, Subway? My eyesight ain't what it used to be.
Eat these tater tots, Harry.
For what it's worth, I think you might see more than all of us.
[Shirley giggling.]
Did you see him smiling at you? Top-notch whoresmanship, Britta.
- Pierce.
- Sorry.
Whoreswomanship.
[Chuckles.]
Forgot it was the '90s.
Uh-oh.
Anyway Thank you, Britta.
I knew we could count on you to help us take him down! Yep, that's me, the girl who's going to destroy the big sandwich company with the dreamy eyes.
[Giggles.]
Ooh! We did it, Pierce.
[Sighs.]
Powerful passage, isn't it? "She had become a physical necessity.
" You circled this paragraph.
I can't say that I did.
I just think it's a striking expression of love's ability to persevere within the cracks and cogs of inhuman systems.
Who were you, Subway, before you were Subway? I can't say.
I have to live within the rules.
This identity is my life.
If I do this for three more years, I can live a real dream.
Well, at least tell me what that is.
I want to run a nonprofit shelter for handicapped animals.
Dogs with wheels for hind legs.
- Deaf hamsters.
- [Whispers.]
One-eyed cats? Well, they weren't on the top of my list, but sure.
I should go.
This is getting out of bounds for me.
[Whispers.]
Eat fresh.
[Vocalizing.]
You should put the small ones in the middle, or the wall won't hold the ceiling.
Why do I always have to be your Reggie? What? I wanted to make a blanket fort, and you never even gave it a second thought.
I'm not even your sidekick.
I'm your underkick.
I never said you couldn't do anything.
If you want to make a blanket fort, that's fine with me.
Thank you.
Just don't make it part of my pillow fort.
Fine.
I'll start it somewhere else.
Have fun stacking pillows like a baby.
Jeff, are you okay? I'm lying on campus furniture, so no.
Is it about this Kim girl? She is someone who died thinking I was a dick.
I can never apologize.
I can never change her mind.
That makes me a dick forever.
You think that's what an apology is? A spell you cast on another person to make them forgive you? Apologies are opportunities to admit your own mistakes.
Apologize to her locker.
But how can I apologize if I don't know what I did wrong? Well, didn't she call you inconsiderate? Sounds to me like you know exactly what you did wrong.
- Leonard, what are you doing? - Abed's fort needs pillows.
But I was going to lie there.
I was going to invest in IBM in 1952, but life is full of disappointments.
Eating fresh, are we? Have you found any dirt on Subway yet? No, nothing.
I should probably hang out with him more.
You know what I think? I think you're falling for him.
I am not.
Who do you think I am? I lived in New York.
You never lived anywhere.
You're a weapon designed for sex.
You only think you lived in New York 'cause I implanted your memories.
Oh, Pierce, stop it! Look what we're becoming.
I'm sorry we pulled you into this dirty game.
I want you to stop.
Yeah, we're pulling you out Right after your last assignment.
This pen is a microphone.
It's also a miniflask.
Did you just drink ink? Just plant this on Subway, and you'll never have to see him again.
Until then, keep him interested.
And for God's sakes, slap some life on those dead lips.
[Scoffs.]
[Militaristic music.]
Hello, Abed.
How's the pillow fort going? It's hard making something perfect, but it's worth it.
Yeah, I'll remember that when I'm being given a key to the secret guinness record holders' clubhouse, where I'll be hanging with those two fat guys on motorcycles and being fitted for a beard of bees.
Whoo! Well, Troy, I just got off the phone with Guinness, and they are sending a representative to have a look-see at your blanket fort.
- Are we world-record ready? - Garrett? We are still more than 2,000 square feet shy of the record.
Abed's pillow fort is the only thing standing in our way.
Well, what are we going to do here, guys? Is there a way we can connect them? You can't connect the blanket fort to the pillow fort and still call it a pillow fort.
Even if you could, I'd rather see my work destroyed than compromise it.
Great, Abed will destroy his pillow fort, and Troy will expand his blanket fort into the space.
Everyone wins.
Except Abed, but you know, not everyone can win.
Is that what you want, Troy? For me to destroy my pillow fort so you could set your record? - It is.
- Magnitude.
Evacuate fort Abed, and prepare for self-destruct.
- Sir? - Do it.
We're done here.
Pop, pop, Captain.
Oh! [Gasps.]
Subway.
Britta, I was worried you wouldn't come.
- I can't stop thinking about you.
- Shh.
They wanted me to plant a bug on you.
I can't, and I won't.
Our values, our identities they mean nothing to me now.
Only the primal remains.
To me, you are simply a physical necessity.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Oh, Subway.
[Moaning.]
Subway.
- Oh, Subway.
- Mmm.
Oh, Subway.
[Gasps.]
Oh, no, no.
No, this is wrong, Pierce.
I just wanted to open a sandwich shop.
I did not sign up for this.
You don't want to get your hands dirty, fine.
I will.
Nice knowing you, Subway.
If that is your real name.
Ahh.
Kim.
It's me, Jeff.
The inconsiderate jerk.
Look, I don't remember hurting you, and I have to assume that's what hurt you.
God knows what crime you've committed to deserve me disregarding you entirely.
But whatever your crime, I think we both know the real crime is mine.
I'm a self-centered, shallow jackass.
And I just want to thank you for your note because I'm going to try and change.
I just wish you were here to forgive me.
I am.
And I do.
I'm Kim.
What? You said Kim was dead.
Because you never remember who I am.
First year, we hung out, like, ten times.
And each time, you introduced yourself to me.
That's why I wrote that note.
And then today, it's like you still don't remember me.
And and you still assume from my name that I am a girl.
I had no choice but to make up that awesome story about a dead chick to hurt you like you hurt me.
I am so sorry Kim.
Right? Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that? What the hell is this crap? Annie, this is Kim.
I think because he had a girl's name, I never took him seriously.
It happens literally all the time, which is insane because 16% of all people named Kim are men.
- [Chuckles.]
I'm sorry, buddy.
- Don't apologize to this guy.
- You told me to apologize.
- To a dead girl's locker.
I thought I was representing the sisterhood.
Thought I was teaching you a lesson about all the girls you dominate and then ignore.
Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name.
Hey! You are really mean.
Put it in a letter, Jane Austen.
Prepare to initiate Protocol Omega.
Good-bye, pillow fort.
You were a beautiful dream.
More than a dream.
It's here.
Who are you? Someone who understands dedication to craftsmanship in the face of mediocrity.
This world is run by the unremarkables.
Don't do what you always do, Abed.
Don't corrupt the host to pacify the parasites.
Ask yourself "What if I stopped worrying about their acceptance of me?" What if it fell to the Reggies of the world to keep up with the inspectors or perish? Now please turn your head while I crawl away.
I'm going through some stuff right now.
I'm very insecure.
What's going on? I'll ask the questions here.
You had sex with Subway, and I recorded it.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
You know what, I'm going to let this one slide.
- What? - What? I know we have very strict rules against romantic entanglements with our corpohumanoids, but at this point in time, we can't stop them from having hearts.
These two are clearly in love.
If they want to express that love in a perfectly healthy way, then okay, hold on.
Th is this what I think it is? That got unhealthy real quick.
That okay, that's yeah, that's weird.
That is well out of the mainstream.
You know, I was raised in the the Bay Area, but I I'm a father now.
[Clears throat.]
Subway cannot stand for that, and frankly, Rick, - I-I'm surprised you did.
- My name is Subway.
Not anymore.
- The bread is stale.
- No! No! - Oh, my God.
- Subway, I love you! - Britta! - Shut up.
[Whispers.]
How could you? Well, if that'll be all, I'll be on my way.
If someone could hand me my jacket.
It's right over there on the coatrack next to the door.
If somebody could just hand it to me, that would be great.
I guess I'm confused.
Why don't you just grab it on your way out the door You know what? Now I'm not leaving.
Now I'm just going to sit for a while and focus on how unacceptable today was.
Jeff.
I wanted to apologize.
I never realized I had my own issues regarding gender roles, and it was certainly unfair of me to take them out on Kim.
Mm.
Who's Kim? Corporate America has destroyed love.
- Again? - Subway! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Britta, you silly.
It is me, Subway.
What? I had a great time with you last night in the pillow fort, the one exception being the deviant sex act you initiated without my consent.
Eat fresh.
Aah! - Whoa! - Oh, jeez.
There is a situation developing in the study room.
I would elaborate, but I am out of breath because I walked here very briskly.
[Panting.]
[Overlapping shouting.]
Calm down! Calm! Down! - What's going on here? - Abed won't tear down his fort.
I shouldn't have to compromise my craftsmanship - to placate mediocrity.
- Mediocrity? Okay, b boys, boys.
The Guinness rep will be here in two days.
Can we just flip a coin to decide who has to back down? - No.
- No.
Well, I'm Dean, so I'm making the call.
[Dramatic music.]
The pillow fort comes down.
- All right, you stay back.
- Watch it, Star-Burns.
My name is Alex! [Screams.]
This is war! [Overlapping shouting.]
[Exciting music.]
[Dramatic music.]
[Gunshot.]
[Horse neighs.]
[Militaristic music.]
- Back, back.
- Back.
- Go.
- Back, back, back in the fort.
[Dramatic music.]
To be continued.
Sir, it appears that Troy Barnes' blanket fort may go to war with Abed Nadir's pillow fort.
Of course.
Soon Troy and Abed will be torn asunder, and an unencumbered Troy will turn to his destiny The air conditioning repair school.
You are a cold-blooded man, sir.
Yes.
How unfortunate for Troy and Abed.
See you in band practice.