Cougar Town s03e13 Episode Script

Aw, remember last year's Look, there's Bobby lighting fireworks.
Mm.
There's Bobby on fire.
There's you laughing at Bobby on fire.
I love that picture of me.
(Camera beeping) These pictures skip from Labor Day to New Year's.
How did we miss Thanksgiving? Remember, our schedules got all mixed up? We all went away, and none of us really knew when we were coming back.
Guess what? Tomorrow we celebrate Thanksgiving.
Or we celebrate Thanksgiving in the fall.
What if we're not around next fall? What if a new group comes in and replaces us? - Oh.
- Everybody's gonna be like, "What happened to the Cul-De-Sac crew? I miss them.
Who are these new people? They're not so good.
" No.
Okay, guys, I have an announcement.
And, no, Andy, for the last time, we're not having dueling slumber parties.
Damn! I'm never gonna get to do a panty raid.
Dream bigger, dude.
Look, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because I get to tell the people I love how much I appreciate them.
Since we missed last year, I've decided that tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
Oh, well, as long as we're making things up, I won't be able to attend.
I'm driving to Georgia to adopt a baby unicorn.
I don't want to celebrate Fakesgiving.
(Chuckles) We're not calling it that.
- Everyone's calling it that.
(Ellie and Bobby) - Yeah.
Yeah.
Besides, Jules, I have to work tomorrow.
(Chuckles) Thanksgiving is always on Thursday.
You should probably take Friday off, too.
Lot of fake shopping sales.
Sorry, J-Bird, tomorrow is Nickel Taco at Nickel's Tacos, not to be confused with Nickel Taco, which sells tacos every day for a nickel, but they're just not as good.
Listen, hillbilly, you and everyone else here are coming to Jules' Thanksgiving.
You might be brave enough to say no to her.
Are you brave enough to say no to me? Go ahead.
Say something, Jelly.
I dare you.
Damn, Torres.
(Lowered voice) If you were a dude, I'd be super turned-on right now.
(Lowered voice) I would wear you out.
(Gasps) (Cell phone alert chimes) Nanny text.
Wonder what Stan did now.
Your son tagged my garage? Got some good handwriting.
Right? Relax.
I buy him washable paint.
Why would you buy him any paint? The kid's totally out of control.
Please.
Kids get into trouble.
(Sighs) That's what they do.
(Chuckles) He has so much spirit.
She makes excuses for Stan when she should be punishing him.
Tell her.
She's being a bad mom.
(Chuckles) No, no, no.
You do not want to go there.
Telling a woman she's a bad mom is, like, the most offensive thing you can say to her.
I was at the zoo in 1994.
I gave Travis two ice-cream cones.
Then this woman from Omaha decides to make a comment about it.
Next thing you know, I'm getting escorted out of the park with a chunk of hair in my hand.
Hey.
I heard you guys are having a Fakesgiving.
No one's calling it that.
Everyone is.
Well, you are welcome to join us.
Oh, thanks, but I'm scheduled to perform aneurysm surgery.
You know, if you don't catch it quick (Imitates whoosh and explosion) (Slurps) For a brain surgeon, that guy drinks a lot of beer when he's not brain surgeoning.
Hey, I have set my clock to count down to our wedding.
We only have four months left Be more insane.
And guess who is crushing it at writing her vows? I want my vows to be just crazy romantic.
All Bobby said was, "You're awesome.
Nice hoots.
" (Chuckles) And then he motorboated me.
(Imitates motorboat engine rumbling) (Laughs) You better bring your "A" game, because my vows are so good, they'll blow you away.
You haven't written your vows, have you? Not a word, but Grayson needs all the time he can get.
You know, he's not great at expressing his feelings.
(Chuckles) This box shows more feelings than he does.
Look.
Mm.
Mm.
Wah.
Aw, this box is sad.
How did Stan even get down here? Oh, no.
He was asking me a lot of questions - about the bus schedule.
- Oh.
- Ladies.
- Ugh.
Well, if it isn't my competition for this year's mayoral race.
You're really running for mayor? No big deal.
It took 5 minutes to sign up and 19 years in the business world to prepare.
Excuse me.
(Slurps) Well, I'll see you at the pizza toss, chump.
(Chuckles) (Sighs) See you at the what what? Oh, it's some dumb publicity stunt at an Italian restaurant.
They get all the candidates together, and they toss pizzas for the photographers.
Oh, my God.
Andy.
You have to toss the crap out of that pizza.
One bad photo op can ruin a campaign.
Look (Sighs) When we hear stuff about taxes and schools, we just tune out.
All we ever remember about candidates is who traded sex for crystal meth, who shot and ate a dolphin, and who looked like a moron with pizza dough on his face.
Come on.
(Sighs) Oh, I forgot to wash the gravy boat out from last year.
Oh, no worries.
It's easier to peel off when it hardens, anyway.
Oh, wow.
That is both disgusting and awesome all at the same time.
(Chuckles) So what did Ellie want? (Gravy boat clatters) Hmm? Come on.
That whole gettin' in our faces and yellin' at us to support you-- That's a classic butter-up.
What are you talking about? That's when you do something for someone-- When you want that someone to do something for you.
I did it when we were married all the time.
You remember when I wanted that pool? I told you I'd never cheat on you again and how much I loved you, and I gave you a foot rub and whatnot.
Then I asked you for a pool, and bam! I got a pool.
And two months later, you banged the pool guy's wife in it, and I learned the meaning of irony.
You're welcome.
Ellie's my friend.
There's no strings attached.
She just wants me to be happy.
Big Carl.
(Sighs) Mm.
Don't ever leave me, buddy.
Mm.
You talk to him a lot? Only after you go to bed.
Hey, slick.
How are you coming with those vows? Here's a little bit.
For better or worse for the rest of my life till death do us part gonna make you my wife 'cause you were made for me (Chuckles) (Voice breaks) That's a good start.
Whatever.
You know what would make tomorrow extra special? If Grayson got to hear your vows at dinner.
What?! (Chuckles) I showed you mine.
You show me yours.
Classic schoolyard rules, huh? I can't wait to say them.
Why would you do that? For fun.
I can't believe you brought that box home.
(Clicks tongue) (Sighs) Writing vows is really hard.
It's terrible.
"Grayson, there are so many great things about you.
For instance, I've never seen you hit a child.
" Wow.
All right.
Um, I'd help you with this romantic stuff, but this here-- Jet-black cave full of bats.
You'll figure it out, sweetie.
Can I ask you a little favor? I was wondering, do you think Stan could be the ring bearer at your wedding? It would mean so much to me to have him there.
Plus, he'd look so cute in his little tux.
(Chuckles) - Wouldn't he? (Chuckles) - Yeah, eh-- Hey, E-biscuit.
Stan's outside trying to lasso a puppy.
He is getting good with that extension cord.
(Whispers) He's an athlete.
Mm.
(Sighs) Go ahead.
(Door opens) (Door closes) That bitch just buttered me up.
Hey, y'all.
Happy Thanksgiving.
(Chuckles) Fakesgiving.
Shush it.
Okay, um, Laurie, I have to ask you, because you just never know.
Is that a costume or a real outfit? It's a costume.
Did you guys really think this was my outfit? (Chuckles) Besides Thanksgiving, I also missed Halloween last year because I was getting that tattoo removed from my upper left drumstick, and then on Christmas, I passed out on the booze cruise that turned out to be a cruise cruise, and I woke up in Belize, so today I'm gonna represent all three holidays that I missed.
Happy Thanks-Mas-Ween, everyone! Well done.
You took something completely absurd and multiplied it by 3.
Okay, I have made a list of jobs for everyone.
Um, Bobby, your job is to do exactly what you normally do on Thanksgiving.
Drink beer and watch football? - Don't let me down.
- Ooh.
Grayson and Andy, you go buy the centerpiece.
(Whispers) Go.
(Grunts) - Okay, Miss Krazy Kakes (Laurie gasps) - Yes? - You're gonna bake pies - Whoo! And, Travis, you're going to write my wedding vows.
(Door opens and closes) (Papers rustle) What? You got me into this mess, and besides, you're so creative.
That's why I work so hard to pay your way through college.
Quality guilt trip.
I'll see what I can do.
Now, Ellie, Stan can be the ring bearer if he can prove he can do it.
How? I'll think of something.
Thinking equals drinking.
Oh, sure, sure.
Sure.
(Clinks) (Male announcer speaking on TV) There's no football on this time of year, so I got a tape of a game from 1949 that I've never seen.
Working on mom's wedding vows.
(Laughs) You didn't exactly inherit the romantic gene from your pops.
I heard about your wedding vows, and I don't think mom wants to motorboat Grayson.
(Chuckles) Hey, the crowd loved it.
Well, if you're so good at it, why don't you say something romantic to that beer? (Clears throat) Beer, other drinks may get me drunk, but only you intoxicate me.
Wish I felt that way about anything.
(Crowd cheering on TV) Is that quarterback smoking? Back then, football was hard-core.
Where are the hot black guys? (Sighs) I'm so happy I'm wasting my time (Latch clicks) Doing this instead of learning how to toss a pizza in five hours.
(Clatters) Dude, tossing 'za is easy.
When Vivian left me, I watched a lot of how-to videos.
I can also tile a bathroom, make soap, stonewash my own jeans, oh, and I can squeeze a pressure point on your hand that will make your whole body relax.
Great, 'cause I am freaked out.
(Gasps) Good God.
That's amazing.
- Yeah? - Wow.
It's like my legs are just gone.
(Thud) Say hello to the gauntlet.
If Stan can walk down this aisle without getting distracted, he can be the ring bearer.
My boy is gonna crush this.
Hmm.
(Door closes) The only way devil baby is gonna be in our wedding is if we Hannibal Lecter him to a Dolly.
I don't want him there raising hell either.
(Chuckles) I have rigged this so he cannot win.
For Stan, this is a walk of temptation.
I've got a table full of markers, a hammer (Chuckles) Next to a jar of shells, and I borrowed the Flanagans' puppy.
Now is the puppy a distraction because he wants to play with it or (Clicks tongue and imitates puppy whimper) (Chuckles) Who cares? (Suspenseful music playing) Stan, come to mommy.
Ooh, permanent markers.
(Chuckles) Stan, focus on me.
All right.
You.
Me.
Come on! Stan, there's a hammer.
Go nuts.
Smash anything you want.
Don't listen to her! Ignore her.
(Whispers) She's a witch.
He's gonna make it.
Not if I can help it.
Rice! There you go.
Yeah.
(Grunts) Go for the eyes! I am! (Chuckles) Ignore it.
(Chuckles) Good job! He's gonna be your ring bearer.
Yay.
So, guys, I really appreciate you helping me with these wedding vows.
How about something along the lines of "I cannot wait to share one life, one home, one consciousness"? Stinks.
Vows need to be heartfelt, Trav, like, "Grayson, you're so hot that I don't have to pretend that you're Matt Damon when we do it.
I just pretend that he's watching.
" Oh, I got it.
"Grayson, you are mountain-brewed with the choicest of hops.
" Can one of you say something that's not about beer and not about having sex with Matt Damon? Pfft.
(Chuckles) Pilsner! You guys are both less than zero help.
(Paper rips) Okay, I just mashed together a bunch of Stan's play-doh 'cause the consistency is like pizza.
Wash your hands after this.
Some of that might have been in Stan's butt.
Noted.
Tossing is all about confidence.
There is no pizza.
There's just you.
Hmm? Oh.
Give her a whirl.
Here we go.
Ohh.
Oh, you know, I'm not built for this.
My hands are like five "D" batteries taped to a bagel.
No, no.
Look, look, look, look.
You're fine.
(Clatters) Just-- just stop being a wuss.
You got this.
I'm-- I'm never gonna get to be the mayor.
(Clatter) Whoa.
Why is everybody so down? Bobby, you're not even watching your old football game.
Those damn leather helmets.
I mean, a guy got hit and never got up.
I saw a man die.
(Sighs) All right.
Uh, I know what will cheer everyone up.
Let's drink a bunch of wine! (Chuckles) - Oh, I like that idea.
- Yeah, all right.
Yeah, okay.
(Clears throat) (Lowered voice) Hand me the glass.
(Slow-motion voice) No! (Glass shards rattle) (Laughs) Overreaction in three (Laurie and Grayson mouth words) Two one Your son just killed one of my best friends! (All, singsongy) Called it.
It's not that big a deal.
I'll buy you a new one.
Damn it, Ellie.
Discipline your son.
That's him being out of control, and it's your fault for being a bad mom.
(Travis and Grayson) - Ohh! - Oh, no.
No, no.
- Ohh.
- Wow.
(Laurie) - No.
No.
(Gasps) - Wow.
Okay.
Take-backs? Screw you, and I'm out of here.
Well, this is the worst Thanksgiving ever.
Well, that's because it's not Thanksgiving.
(Whispers) Shut your pie hole.
Great news.
My patient died, and I brought wine.
Are those all for you? This is how much Big Carl used to hold.
Mm.
(Swallows) Ohh.
It's not the same.
I said the meanest thing to Ellie.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Y-you're kind.
You're sweet.
You got a tush I can set my watch to.
Aw.
(Chuckles) That was weird, but aw.
Well I need to apologize to Ellie, and I want you to come with me.
(Whispers) Score.
(Chuckles) Dad, I thought you could use a cold one.
(Clears throat) Laurie, I didn't know what to get you, so here's $46.
This feels like $43.
Hmm.
I'm smellin' a butter-up.
Oh.
(Sighs) I'm sorry I blew up about the vows.
Please come back and help.
Successfully buttered.
I was right.
This is $43.
That's a weird, scary talent.
(Sighs) You know, they say the saddest holidays are the ones spent alone, but alone on a fake holiday-- That seems worse.
You are going to miss that pizza toss, huh? Don't you want to be mayor? God, why do you care about this so much? You and I gotta be a team now.
Jules and Ellie-- They're already a team.
If we don't have each other's backs, they're just gonna keep bulldozing us into doing a bunch of stuff that we don't want to do.
Today it was a fake holiday.
What's it gonna be tomorrow? They'll make us get Italian food when we want Chinese.
Oh, that will be okay.
I'll get a nice gnocchi.
No.
You want Chinese food! I do want Chinese food.
Then what do you say? Are we a team? I will stand with you.
Great.
Now let's go sling some dough.
(Chuckles) Please don't hold my hand.
Oh.
Sorry.
Thanks for coming with me.
Oh, sure, but why am I here? Well, I want Ellie to use up her mad on you.
Look, Tom's here.
.
With muddy shoes.
(Scoffs) (High-pitched voice) Aah.
Oh, hey.
All right.
That's all, buddy.
Am I really a bad mom? (Door closes) (Clicks tongue) Oh, sweetie.
No shoes in the house.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
Well, now I'm 3 feet tall.
(Grunts) Ohh.
(Clatters) I like that box's concept, but it's like a burp coffin in there.
We've been at this for an hour.
(Sighs) We've got nothing.
I'm hungry.
Let's go to Ellie and Andy's.
People with kids have the best snacks.
Except for foster parents.
Toothpaste sandwiches, y'all.
Plus side-- I have literally never had a cavity.
(Clatters) Oh.
True story.
Come on.
Oh, honey.
I am so sorry for what I said.
I just-- I freaked, you know? You know how much I loved Big Carl.
I mean, he was always there for me, never judging me.
Just the thought of him makes me smile.
Laurie, are you getting this down? Hell, yeah, I am.
Welcome to the Gulfhaven mayoral pizza toss! (Cheering) Candidates! C-candidates.
(Applause) Hi, everybody.
I'm Andy Torres, and I'm running for mayor.
Shut up, baldy! Toss the dough! (Cheering) (Whispering) There is no pizza.
"There's snow peas, bra"? (Normal voice) There is no pizza! (Lowered voice) There's just you.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Ready? Go ahead.
(Epic theme music playing) (Crowd cheering) (Laughs) Your move, mayor.
(Cheering) So you don't really think I'm a bad mom? Well, I mean, you're not the worst.
But you know why I ignore all the crap that Stan does? It's not 'cause I think it's funny.
I ignore it just 'cause I don't want to admit my kid is a nightmare.
All right.
Here's how this is gonna go down.
I'm gonna help you be strict with Stan.
- He's gonna hate me.
- For, like, a minute, and you're gonna forget most of the bad times anyway, although it is hard to forget that phase that Travis screamed every time he saw an ethnic person.
My mom still does that.
This is gonna suck for a while.
It will, but I promise you, by the time Stan is 9, he's gonna be sleeping in your bed every night.
Well, that might just be Travis and me.
Hmm.
We had a sleepover last Tuesday.
(Chuckles) Oh, cute.
I'm not gonna have another kid, and before I know it, Stan's gonna be a grown-up, and you and every other mom I know always talk about those memories where their kid does something so cute that everyone says, "aw.
" It's not fair.
I'm never gonna have one of those moments.
Well, if you don't believe you will, then I'll believe for you.
Thank you.
The bats are smiling.
(Chuckles) Okay, first I'd like to congratulate Andy And thank him and Grayson for the very creative centerpiece.
It's a watermelon spray-painted orange.
I think you owe me some vows.
Hand me the notepad.
(Chuckles) "Grayson, you're always there for me, never judging me.
Just the thought of you can make me smile.
" (Jules and Grayson chuckle) (Whispers) These are perfect.
"I love that I can fit an entire bottle of wine in you and carry you around.
" (Whispers) We should have changed some stuff.
(Whispers) You think? Most of it was very nice.
All right.
(Notepad clatters) Let's hold hands.
Okay, what I love most about Thanksgiving, even in the spring, is that I get to be around all the people that I love.
Could I say something? Oh, hey.
I forgot you were here.
(Chuckles) Uh, I just want you to know I am so happy you let me be part of your group.
- Well (Chuckles) - No, no.
Let him have it.
Thank you all for being my friends.
- Mm.
- Let's eat.
- Okay.
(Chuckles) - Yay.
Hey, where's the turkey? Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
- Oh, my gosh! (All) - Aw.
(Man) see, I'm gonna change my mind change my mind (Lowered voice) How'd you get him to do that? I promised him four cans of spray paint.
You should park in the garage for the next couple weeks.
- You want-- You want to carve? - Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
The new dad's gonna (Laurie) Ladies, wine? (Indistinct conversations) We're all here to pay our respects to Big Carl.
I remember when I first met Big Carl.
He was the base of a lamp.
(Voice breaks) Mm.
I'll see you at the crossroads, homie.
Oh, no.
Not this again.
With endings come new beginnings.
Everyone, say hello to Big Lou.
- Hi there.
- Ohh.
(Whispers) Yeah.
(Normal voice) Rest in peace, Big Carl.
(Voice breaks) We'll always remember the good times.
(Sentimental music playing on piano) (Bells tinkle)