Dad's Army (1968) s03e13 Episode Script

- Are the men ready for their lecture, Wilson? - Yes, sir.
March them to the recreation ground.
I'll join you later.
- Did you get permission from the Town Clerk? - But he'd like us to keep away from the swings.
He'll soon change his tune when Nazi jackboots are pounding over his bowling greens.
And, sir, Jones and Pike are outside.
They're waiting for you to inspect their rifles again.
And Frazer with his Lewis gun.
- Yes, right.
Wheel them in.
- Would you kindly step this way, please? Oh, Wilson! Bark it out! Right.
Would you kindly step this way, please?! Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Left, right, left, right.
Halt! Right turn! Corporal, Corporal About turn! All right, Pike.
Let's have a look at it.
- I polished most of the marks off.
- Yes, that's very much better.
Bear in mind, Pike, that this is a precision instrument.
Promise me that you will never again let your mother clean it with a bath brick.
- I promise.
- Corporal? Sir! I'm surprised at you, letting it get into that state.
Sorry, sir.
I cleaned it with some mutton cloth.
I think a little bit of mutton got left in it.
Yes.
It's no excuse for the bit of sausage skin that got stuck in the magazine.
- All right, there you are.
- Thank you, sir.
- I shan't take it in the shop no more, sir.
- No, very wise.
Frazer? Thank goodness I'll no' have to clean that thing again for three weeks.
That is not the right attitude to adopt.
- You should consider it a privilege.
- If it was a privilege, we'd never get a look in.
- You and the Sergeant would be doing it.
- That'll do, that'll do.
The butterfly spring seems to be missing.
- Eh? - Where is it? Oh, aye.
So it is.
- I must have left it in my workshop.
- Your workshop?! Aye, I took the gun home to clean on my polisher.
Now, look here, Frazer.
You had no business to take any equipment off these premises.
And the gun is totally useless without the spring.
If a Nazi storm trooper came in now, you could do nothing but hit him with it.
Permission to speak, sir? If Frazer hit him with it, it'd make his eyes water! I'm not taking any chances on that.
- Sergeant Wilson! - Sir! March the men down to the recreation ground.
We shall be calling at Frazer's place.
(WILSON) How nice! - This is my wee den, sir.
- Bring the gun in.
We'll reassemble it here.
- That's funny.
- What's funny? - The box has gone! - What box? - The box I put the gun parts in.
- Keep quite calm.
Tell me exactly what you did.
- Well, I polished up the parts on this.
- Yes? I put them in the box here.
I put the lid on the box to stop it getting dirty while I sanded down that box there! What sort of box was the one that was here? Justa box.
- Like this one here.
- I'm not interested in that one.
This one.
Well, it looked likethis one here.
- Good heavens! - What an extraordinary thing to collect! - I'm not collecting them.
I make them.
- So sorry, Frazer.
I'd no idea.
It's a skill I have in my hands.
I learnt it as a wee boy.
- You told me you were a fisherman.
- Aye, that I was.
But it's a wild and lonely place, is the Isle of Mingulay.
- Andyou have to do everything for yoursel'.
- Even this? Aye, this.
And dentistry.
- One tool does guy well for baith jobs.
- The point is, where is it now? Mr Drury will have taken it! Every second that that gun is out of action, our homes are in jeopardy.
Round to Drury's place at the double! I'm so sorry.
Mr Drury will be round right away.
Please don't apologise, Mrs Parkinson.
There was no need to make a reservation.
We're quite accustomed to dealing with these matters as they arise.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
What brings you here? I wish to see Mr Drury on a matter of utmost urgency.
Oh, dear! Don't tell me it's poor Mr Jones! 'Ere, I heard that! - I'll tell him you're here.
- He always was a money-grubbing old cuss! - I'll come when I'm called! And not before! - All right, all right.
Sir, I don't think you really need me, do you? - Yes, I do.
What's the matter with you? - Nothing at all.
Why do you ask? - You don't seem your usual laughing self.
- Well, the whole situation is a littlebizarre.
- I don't see why.
- Well We come to ask the undertaker if we can look inside a coffin for a spare part for a Lewis gun.
Yes.
Well, I suppose it could happen to anyone.
I'm sorry, I can't stop! I can't stop! - Mr Drury, just a moment! Mr Drury! Get him.
- All right.
Walker! Walker! Follow that undertaker! - He was in a hurry.
- Wait a minute, Jonesy.
Miss Baker, do you mind that Mr Drury ordered a box from me on Wednesday? - I remember it quite distinctly.
- Do you think I might just examine it, please? I'm afraid it's gone.
It was for Mr Horace Blewitt.
Horace? Old Horace Blewitt? He was only in my shop last Wednesday.
I gave him two books' worth of best end and neck.
- And now he's passed away.
- He never even had this week's rations.
I would dearly like to pay my last respects, ma'am.
I take it he'll be in the Chapel of Rest, eh? No.
He's still at home.
His brother wanted him to rest in peace tonight on the dining room table.
- A beautiful thought.
- Yeah.
Well, ma'am, I won't bother you any longer.
Come on, Jonesy.
- Aye, sir? - 21 Marigold Avenue! - On the dining room table.
- What? Captain Mainwaring, can you excuse Jonesy and me from the fieldcraft lecture? I think we ought to go and maybe pay our last respects, sir.
Ah, yes.
All right, under the circumstances, you're excused.
- You keep the brother talking.
- Yeah.
- I'll - Yeah, all right, all right.
Come on.
Perhaps you'll come through here, Mr Jones? In my calling, Mr Blewitt, I'm no stranger to sorrow, but if I'd known that this box was for my dear friend, tears would mingle with the varnish.
- I didn't think you knew him.
- Oh, intimately.
Think of that, Sidney.
He was only standing in my shop on Wednesday.
I served him with two books' worth of best end and neck.
Yeah, he come home here, he put the shopping down on the table and unwrapped that very piece of meat that you'd just served him with.
- You never know, do you? - No, you never do.
- And do you know the very last words he said? - No, what were they? He stood there where Mr Frazer's standing now, with the meat in his hand.
''Look at that,'' he says.
''All bloody bone!'' And the very next second he was gone! Well, you've got to have a bit of bone with best end and neck! It was ALL bone.
There wasn't a scrap of meat.
If a sheep hadn't got any bones in its neck, its head would wallop about.
- You've got to have some meat, after all.
- Yes, well, there was plenty of meat there.
- There was plenty of gristle.
- There was plenty of meat an' all! If there had been meat, poor old Horace would still be with us.
It was the shock.
You're as good as saying I done him in! No, I'm not.
I'm only saying it was all bone and gristle.
That's done it.
You've insulted me now, Sidney.
I'm going.
- Come on, Jock.
- Bide a wee.
I've a few more respects to pay.
Come along.
I'm not staying here.
I'm not gonna be insulted like that.
You old fool! Do you mind what we come for? No, I don't mind! Oh, well, it's too late now, anyway.
Yon Mainwaring will have me shot at dawn.
Captain Rogers? Mainwaring here.
I was wondering what the position is regarding the Hmm? Captain Mainwaring.
Home Guard.
I was wondering what the position is about Lewis gun spare Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.
Captain Mainwaring.
I was wondering what the position is about Lewis gun spares.
What have you got in stock? What, all? Oh! Rather what we expected, wasn't it? No, no.
It's just a routine inquiry.
That's all.
Thank you.
- Not a single nut! - Permission to speak, sir? Perhaps we can get this piece made by some skilled person, sir? Walker, you've got a friend who's pretty good at metalwork.
- Do you mean Albert? - Yes.
Doesn't he make spare parts forthings? - He's on holiday.
- When will he be back? He might be some time.
He was caught making a spare part for a safe.
Permission to speak, sir? Mr Frazer would like to apologise for having mislaid a valuable piece of equipment.
Yes.
Let it be a vital lesson to us all.
For want of a nail, the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe, a horse was lost.
For want of a horse, the battle was lost.
- Hence the expression ''Keep your hair on.
'' - Precisely.
We're not going to be beaten.
We're going to find a way round this.
I don't see what that's got to do with it.
Come to think of it, neither do I, sir.
This gun has got to be put into action as quickly as possible.
Jones, get the rest of your section and I'll outline the plan of campaign.
- Very good, sir.
- Right, outside.
As pleasant as the morning and refreshing as the rain Isn't it a pity that you're such a scatterbrain? - You know what part you've got to play? - Yes.
I go to the end of the terrace.
If anybody approaches, I signal.
Right.
Off you go.
What is the signal? - Make it a cuckoo whistle.
- A cuckoo whistle? - Yes.
- How do you do that? It's perfectly simple.
Cup your hands together and blow through your thumbs.
Here, hold this.
I'll show you.
Hands together, blow through there.
- Makes a noise like a cuckoo.
- Oh, I see.
Blimey, if you two are cold, I can sell you a pair of gloves.
12 and 6 a pair.
- Virgin wool.
From a sheep that runs faster - All right! If you can't make a noise like a cuckoo, you'd better cough.
Off you go.
- Have you got the torch? - Oh! Wilson! The torch.
- The torch.
- Well, you've got the torch.
You did the signalling.
That little flash.
- I just gave you the torch.
- Let's not argue about it like this.
- Give me it! - No, no, please! - It upsets me, that kind of thing.
- Go on, get off.
- Right, go to work.
- Let's have a look.
- Can you do it? - It's an open invitation.
Here.
I'll hold the light while you work.
Do you mind looking the other way? I promised the fella that showed me how to do this that I wouldn't pass it on.
- Honour among thieves, eh (?) - No, he was a copper.
- Well done.
- That's it.
- Godfrey, you know what to do? - If the light goes on in Mr Blewitt's room, - I've to sound the alarm.
- Right.
Off you go, at the double.
Off you go.
- Now, Pike? - I go to the bottom of the stairs and keep cave.
Right.
Off you go.
Ssh! I saw William Powell do this once in ''Raffles''.
Never mind that.
- No, it wasn't - it was Errol Flynn! - It was Ronald Colman.
Now get inside! - Lance-Corporal Jones and Private - Ssh! (WHISPERS) Lance-Corporal Jones and Private Frazer, reporting for your flash.
Right.
Do you know what to do? Yes.
I will hold the torch while Private Frazer does the looking or, if it be so necessary, I will do the lifting while Private Frazer does the ferreting.
- Here.
Take the torch and go.
- Thank you, sir.
- Ssh.
- 'Ere, I was supposed to go first.
Well, why don't you wake up your ideas? I was wakened up enough not to drop that thing in the coffin! - Shut your gub, you old blether! - Ssh! Get inside.
Don't mess about.
- It's not my fault.
It's Frazer.
He - Stop talking! (JONES) Blast! - What was that? - I dropped the torch, sir.
- Well, pick it up! - I picked it up, sir.
- (FRAZER) Gie's it! It's bust! - It's bust! Ssh! - Oh! - (GLASS SMASHES) Ssh! (FRAZER) There's candles here.
Have you got a match? - (COUGHING) - Get down! - If you look in my overcoat pocket - Ssh! - Excuse me, sir! Excuse me, sir.
- What the devil is it? I just came back to explain that I wasn't actually signalling.
I had a tickle in the throat.
- Get back to your post! - Next time I'll blow my nose.
Yes, a very good idea (!) Go on, get off.
- Get in! - Where's your matches? - Here's a lighter.
25 bob.
- Ah, ya Scrooge! For you I'll do a special - You nearly pushed my teeth down my throat! - Shut up! Stop blethering! Over here.
- The candles, get them.
- Right.
Right.
I don't like this, Mr Frazer.
- No.
- I don't like it at all.
It's a wicked, wicked business, but it's got to be done, son.
Yes, I know.
Ah! The Captain will have to know about this.
- Have you got it? - Bad news, sir.
- What's the matter? - They've screwed him doon.
Great Scott! - They've screwed him down, sir.
- I telt him! - Excuse me, sir.
Could you spare me? - Certainly not.
We need a screwdriver.
I normally carry one on me, but I flogged it to old Godfrey to tighten up his roller-skates! We'll just have to improvise.
Anybody got a knife? - I've a fruit knife.
- Hand it over.
It's rather a nice one with a mother of pearl handle.
My Aunt Lavinia gave it to me.
- Hold up the candles, Jonesy.
- I am holding them up.
- Well, keep them steady, for God's sake! - They're taking too long.
We should be away.
- Sir? - What? The blasted knife broke in half! It's no good! Japanese rubbish! - Go and get Pike's Scout knife.
- Aye, sir.
- All right - The knife's broken! - I shall miss it so much on picnics.
- Get back to your post.
Ahhh! - Ssh! - What did you do that for?! Gie's your Scout knife.
- What do you want it for? - To unscrew the coffin.
- I'm not having you do that with my knife! - Frank, don't be difficult.
Me mum'll have a fit! - Jonesy, bring the candle over here.
- I'm coming.
You stay there and keep guard.
- It's working, it's working.
- All right.
I'll hold it.
- It's loose.
- Good, good, good.
Right (BOTH) Ahhh! - His light's gone on upstairs! - Don't panic! He's coming! Quick! Here he is! It's Blewitt! Blewitt's coming! Come on! Come on, then! Quick! Don't you panic, Mr Mainwaring! Don't panic! Don't panic! Wait for me, you rotten lot! Anyone there? - Is anyone there? - There's a light come on at the back - Oh, good evening.
- It's awful.
My poor old brother Horace has got a screw loose! Oh, dear me.
They say there's one in most families.
Good night.
Why did my heart go boom? Are we all here? Jones, Walker Where's Godfrey? I think he had to run all the way home, sir.
Well, I suppose in the general confusion you didn't retrieve the spring? No, sorry, sir.
Well, tonight, no doubt, Goering will loose his deadly weapons on us again and our machine gun is useless.
A Junkers 88 could go up and down at 50 feet picking us off one by one.
We couldn't lift a finger to stop him.
- We're not allowed to fire anyway.
- Not the point! - I'm very sorry, sir.
- Mr Frazer's trying to say he's very sorry.
I've got a tongue in my head! I don't need you.
- All right.
Just let it be a lesson to all of us.
- For the want of a battle, the horse was nailed.
'Ere, listen, sir.
Why don't we go back later for another go? - (AIR-RAID SIREN) - We can't do that now.
It's an air raid.
Come on.
Get to your post.
- Will Mr Frazer be court-martialled, sir? - It's a possibility.
The funeral's in the morning.
What chance have I got of finding it? - What chance indeed, Frazer? - Never you mind, Mr Frazer.
We've got Mr Mainwaring to look after us.
He's our inspiration in time of need.
I tell you what.
Even now I expect there's an ingenious plan forming in his brain.
- It seems a rather desperate thing to do, sir.
- It may not be necessary.
Frazer's been officiating at the funeral.
He may have retrieved the spring.
- How will we know? - He's going to signal to me.
Here they come.
Hand me those glasses.
No, it's no good.
Walker, Pike, put up that notice.
And don't let anybody in.
- There must be some law against this, sir.
- Keep your eye on me.
If they're reluctant to go, run over and tell them the bomb is ticking.
- Then what do we do, sir? - We wait until dark.
Then it's up to Frazer.
He's the one who'll get court-martialled.
Here, Uncle, there is a law against grave robbery.
It's called habeas corpus.
Go on, Frank.
Today I feel so happy So happy, ha-ha-ha I don't know why I'm happy I only know I am I'm walking on air, never a care Something just makes me sing La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Like a little bird in spring Today I feel so happy, so ha-ha-ha-ha-ha I don't know why I'm happy I only know I amI Well, do what the Captain said and I might well see you tonight.
Working on next Sunday's sermon, sir? Just making a few notes.
Where are you off to with that spade, Mr Yeatman? - St Matthew's Church.
- They disposed of the bomb? I'm going whether they have or not, sir.
I have to do something about poor Mr Blewitt.
- He needs filling in.
- I'm sure it can wait until tomorrow.
It might rain, sir.
It would be an abomination in the sight of the Lord.
It would be more of an abomination if you were blown all over the churchyard.
Don't you worry, sir.
I'll be all right.
Well, go if you must.
You're a much braver man than I am, Mr Yeatman.
Well, there's all sorts of courage, sir.
I don't know how you have the nerve to get up and give those sermons every Sunday.
I'm not going down there.
That's that.
Sorry to hear that, son.
I'd go down, only my shoulder's playing up.
I was depending on you.
You're young and strong.
I'm not strong! I ain't got no muscles.
You feel.
No muscles at all.
(GODFREY) I'm too portly.
Perhaps Mr Walker? - Yeah, Joe.
You've got muscles.
- I've got muscles, but I ain't got no guts.
Born coward, that's me.
Jonesy, you'll volunteer, won't you? - To go down there? - Yeah.
Nah! He'll no' do it.
He never volunteers unless Captain Mainwaring's watching.
That's a very hurtful thing to say.
I'm not a bit like that.
Very well.
I will volunteer to do this grisly thing.
Aye.
Tell Captain Mainwaring after (!) Listen, if it wasn't for my age, I'd punch your head in.
As it is, I'm giving you formal notice I shall not honour your meat coupons.
Hey, listen.
Don't stand here arguing.
Take the screwdriver.
Down you get, Jonesy.
- Come on, down you get, son.
- All right, all right.
- Are you all right, son? - Mind - Are you all right, Jonesy? - What do you care? Well, I take back what I said.
You're doing this for me.
I had no call to insult you, son.
(JONES) All right.
I accept your apology.
Jonesy, 'ere, mate.
Here's the shovel.
- I think someone's approaching! - Blimey, he's right! I see him! Get him out! Too late, too late.
Let him go! Let him go! Jonesy? Jonesy, listen.
You stay down there.
We'll hide behind the gravestones till he's gone.
Stay there, mate! Waaaaah! I assure you, Verger, none of my men would be party to such a childish prank.
I speak not only as their commanding officer, but as a lifelong student of human nature.
But I recognised them running off! There was that tall, rude Scots one, the mummy's boy, Grandad and the clever dick one.
They've been in the hall all night doing weapon maintenance.
All right, then.
Send for them.
All right.
Godfrey? Pike? - Frazer? Who was the other one? - The clever dick one.
- And Walker.
Come in here quickly.
- Aye, sir.
- You satisfied, Verger? - Why are they all out of breath? - We've been doing PT.
- Aye, press-ups.
What? He's been doing press-ups?! - Only little tiny-weeny ones.
- There's something very fishy to me.
And I think there's another one as well.
Yes, there was another one - down below! I've had an unearthly experience.
'Ere, what did I say? You're very late.
Where have you been? - I I've been digging for victory, sir.
- There you are.
He's been digging for victory.
- Who digs for victory at night? - I do.
There's evil doings afoot.
The vicar must be informed.
I wouldn't be surprised if you find yourselves embroiled with the bishop! Well? I hope you're all satisfied.
Sir, I felt all along it was going to end up like this.
- Frazer - Aye.
I explained to youwhat you were undertaking when you went into this venture.
It was quite out of the question that I could join in such a scheme and now you have to take the consequences.
Grave-robbing is a very serious matter.
No more serious than housebreaking.
Mm, never mind that.
You realise I will have to report this to GHQ? You'll be in trouble for putting a Lewis gun out of action.
Don't look so miserable, Frazer.
Here you are.
Have a fag, mate.
- Thank you, Joe.
- Have a fag, son.
- 2468, please.
- I said it would happen.
- Oh, do be quiet, Wilson.
- Anyone got a light? I've got one, Joe.
Here.
Captain Mainwaring here.
Can I speak to Captain Rogers, please? Mainwaring.
Walmington Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, yes.
- Look! - Blimey! The butterfly spring! It must have been in my pocket the whole time.
Really, Frazer! It's very careless of you.
Captain Rogers? I've got something rather serious to report.
One of my men has mis One Deal with that, Wilson.
What? I don't quite understand.
Have you an account with us, sir?