Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e13 Episode Script

So, in case you haven't heard, Princess and I are engaged! And I couldn't be happier.
We took engagement photos at our favorite park.
Aren't we a lovely couple? Is that Robert photobombing us? Robert, if you weren't so darn good-looking, I'd be really mad right now.
So, guys, I've been engaged a few days and I'm ready to get married now.
I want nothing more than to stand in front of my closest friends and declare my love for Princess.
And to go to the zoo one time when the koalas aren't sleeping.
Stan, a wedding is a big deal.
We have to do this right.
Decorations and music and flowers.
Oh, I will plan it all.
And you're right.
What is wrong with those lazy koalas? And I can help plan the wedding, too.
I've planned lots of events.
Birthdays, tea parties, doll haircuts.
Girlfriend can not sit still.
That would be great, guys.
You can plan it together.
Chloe, you'll bring your imagination and sense of whimsy.
I've got stardust in my pocket! Whimsy! And a nickel.
And Avery, you'll bring your impeccable taste.
Great! I'll order the cheese in a can.
I'll also bring that sense of humor.
Cheese in a can?! Who's getting married? I am.
How would you like to be my best man? I'd be honored.
What does a best man do, anyway? Well, I'll need you to organize the bachelor party and break the news to my second choice that he didn't get the gig.
I'm sorry, there's no easy way for me to say this, but Stan picked me to be his best man.
I did not manipulate him.
No, I did not! No, I did not! Why am I doing this? Chloe, this is so cute.
Is this a mock-up of Stan's wedding in the park? I'm the rainbow sparkle pony, you're the bear, and the troll doll is Princess' mean owner Heather.
I was gonna use a dead rat but Winston keeps hanging on.
Actually, Heather isn't coming.
When I invited her, she said, "gross.
" Great! Then I don't have to get a life-sized troll doll costume.
Or a dead rat costume.
Which is really just a live rat costume with Xs over the eyes.
And a little halo.
Whimsy! Wait a minute, these animals aren't just placeholders? Is this actually what you want everybody to look like? How do you plan on paying for all this? Well, I already cut live unicorns out of the budget, so that's like a gazillion dollar savings right there.
Plus, Mommy helped me submit Stan and Princess' wedding to the Wacky Jackie show.
If they pick it, Jackie will pay for the whole thing.
Wait, Wacky Jackie? That rich girl that does crazy things with her money? I love that show! I keep submitting the idea that she should send cows into space.
They're huge, but they're weightless.
Check it out, space cow, she uploaded a new video.
Don't call me "space cow" at school.
Let's make that a home nickname.
What's up, gumdrops? It's Wacky Jackie in your face.
That's my eyeball.
That's my other eyeball.
Nostril shot! What do you think of it, Sidekick Jackie? Love it, love it, love it, love it! Oh, Sidekick Jackie, you are just saying that.
No, I'm not.
What do you think, Backwards Jackie? Who said that? This week, I'm spending my money to put a rodeo in a china shop.
I'm a bull in a china shop.
Okay, I'm back from the store with a few options for what I'm gonna wear to this weekend's wedding.
You must have ten dresses there.
You realize this is a dog wedding the kids are doing for fun, it's not a real wedding? So? A wedding's a wedding.
When your friend got married by the Elvis impersonator, I still dressed up.
As Elvis.
The invitation said come as your favorite Elvis.
So I was jailhouse rock.
Thank ya, thank ya very much.
First of all, stop that.
And secondly, can't you just wear something that you already own? Come on, Bennett, I have to look nice.
In a way, I'm kind of the mother of the groom.
Actually, I think Avery is more the mother of the groom.
You're more the grandmother.
Really? Can a grandmother do this? Ow, my hip! So, Stan, I promised you a great bachelor party.
Did I deliver or what? Stan, I never knew you had the voice of an angel.
You ever seen an angel scarf down a whole chuck roast in five seconds? 'Cause you're about to.
Well, go wild, Stan.
My buddy has this truck full of meat that's about to expire.
This reminds me of Mother's walk-in fridge.
Not the big one downstairs, the snack fridge up in the bedroom.
Did you really have to invite Carl? I kind of thought it was just gonna be you, me, and Robert.
You know, the cool guys.
I like Carl.
Plus, every group needs an eccentric oddball.
We've already got the dashingly good-looking guy.
That's me.
Wow, you guys got me all this and a stinky shoe? Best day ever! Let me get that for you, Stan.
Carl, no! Oh, I get it.
The shoe was there to keep the door open.
And now we're locked in.
Stan, will you stop with the angel singing, this isn't a good thing.
It wasn't me.
It was me.
It's very cold in here.
I can't get any cell reception.
This is not good.
Mom and Dad think we're staying at Carl's all night so no one's gonna come looking for us.
We gotta get outta here.
Tyler, Tyler.
Allow me to try something I read about in a comic book.
Apparently the spider that bit me was of the non-radioactive variety.
Unlike the radioactive man who bit me and gave me the power to speak.
What? No, I'm just kidding.
I'm a regular talking dog.
Who loves me some pepperoni.
If we don't get out of here, I'm going to freeze.
I have the circulation of a daily newspaper.
It's funny because print is dead.
And, by the by, if we don't make it out of here, no matter what I say from now on, that "print is dead" bon mot was my last words.
Okay, I have a nominee for the one we hollow out and climb into like a sleeping bag.
Success! I've disabled the air conditioner.
However, I should mention, with the air off, the meat will start to go bad.
Great, so we're stuck in here and with rotting meat.
Which of us will be the first to totally lose it? Robert, your steely cool never ceases to amaze me.
Wow.
You look absolutely crazy.
Bennett, it's a wedding.
But not your wedding.
Hey, you're the one who told me to take back the ten dresses and wear something I already own.
And I do believe I own this.
Good one, beautiful bride.
You are not the bride.
But I look so beautiful.
And the dress still fits.
And if I wore it to any other wedding, it would be inappropriate.
I agree with all of that.
Just wear your wedding suit and we'll match.
Why couldn't I have been invited to the dog bachelor party? She picked us, she picked us, she picked us! She picked us, she picked us, she picked us, she picked us she picked us, she picked us! She picked us! What are you talking about? Wacky Jackie is gonna do Stan's wedding on her web show and pay for everything! Now we can do all my ideas.
Animal costumes, balloons, and a clown car full of pie! You don't even need to get clowns! 'Cause if you fill a car with pie, the clowns will come.
Chloe, the wedding is tomorrow.
If it was gonna be on the show, there'd be people coming over here to plan things.
What's up, gumdrops? It's me, Wacky Jackie.
Everybody, freak out.
That is Wacky Jackie, I am freaking out! I am freaking out, too.
And not just because somebody walked into our house without knocking.
I have decided that your dog wedding is a crazy thing I can do with my money.
Right, Sidekick Jackie? Love it, love it, love it, love it! That's my eyeball.
That's my other eyeball.
Nostril shot! Wow.
So you do that in person, too.
Do what? So, I will be officiating the ceremony.
Oh, just don't invite Awkward Uncle Jackie.
Hey, look at my mustache and guess what I had for breakfast.
Okay, Uncle Jackie.
At least he didn't ask you to guess how many teeth he's missing.
So, what would we be doing right now if we weren't stuck in here? Laser tag.
Hey, we don't have toy guns to fight with, but we are surrounded by all this meat.
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Meat fight! Meat buddies! I mean, meat fight! We didn't know how that day would end.
But we knew we'd never be the same again.
We were just kids, dang it! Now that Wacky Jackie is paying for the wedding, there is so much we can do.
I've been sampling cakes, I got these flowers, probably should've had them delivered.
Spending other people's money is so much more fun than spending your own.
I can't wait 'til I'm president.
You didn't have to do all this, I've got everything planned out.
Chloe, no.
I have a very specific vision for this wedding.
I can see it.
I can hear it.
Oh, the royal wedding is my inspiration.
The epitome of class and elegance.
Very nice guys, that's enough.
You didn't have to hire some fancy musicians, I hired Musical Marvin.
Chloe, no, no, no, we are not doing this your way.
Hit it, guys.
Put on your wedding suit, Bennett, just put it on.
So we're not gonna address that there's a string quartet and a one man band playing in our family room? Not 'til you put on your suit.
That was one heck of a meat fight.
When we get back to civilization, we'll try to tell other people about this, but they won't understand.
Unless they've also been trapped in a truck and slapped each other with brisket.
Got that right, dude.
Did you just "dude" me? Well, I've never been "dude" ed before.
Except by that guy who hangs out at the convenience store.
But he doesn't know me.
He just wants a hit off my slushie.
This is nice.
The way we're bonding.
Way better than what we would've been doing.
What would we have been doing? 'Cause maybe I'm wrong and it would've been more awesome.
Right around now, we would've been heading back to my place.
To engage in all sorts of cool, macho guy stuff.
Certainly not playing with my superhero action figures.
'Cause they're all mint in the package.
You know, after I marry Princess tomorrow, a lot is gonna change.
I'm gonna be married, with all the responsibilities that come with that.
Except for paying bills, having a job, or listening to my wife talk.
I hope we get out of here in time for your wedding.
When is your friend coming to pick up his meat truck? I don't know, I wasn't planning for us to be here for more than a couple hours.
Let me check his texts from yesterday.
Oh no, Nicky dumped me! Oh wait, that's an old one.
Ah, here it is.
He's not coming 'til Monday.
We're gonna be in here all weekend? I'm gonna miss my wedding.
I'm so glad we were able to come up with a compromise for your whimsy and my taste.
So, you hired clowns, huh? Nope, just put out pie.
I was right.
They came.
Wow, Dad, that jacket is really tight on you.
Yeah, this is my wedding suit, but I've been hitting the gym a lot since then.
Wearing it reminds me of the hand-me-downs from my childhood.
I had tiny older brothers.
Still, your mom wanted me to wear it so I'd match what she's wearing.
How does that match what Mom is wearing? Thank ya.
Thank ya very much.
Oh, for the love of Ellen, why are you wearing that? You said we shouldn't wear our wedding clothes.
And you really shouldn't be wearing that.
It doesn't fit, you look ridiculous.
Now please go change.
The wedding is gonna be starting soon.
Carl, you've been working on that contraption all night.
Are you ready to get that door open? I'm sorry it's taking so long, it's not easy unscrewing machine-tightened screws with your fingernails.
Why didn't you just use the screwdriver on my pen knife? You, my friend, are going to be the subject of a scathing journal entry.
Now, I'm gonna use the magnets in this device to slide open the latching mechanism inside the door.
It's not working.
Stand back, I'm gonna break it down.
I almost got it.
Huh, I thought for sure Carl was gonna open the door at the last moment and Tyler was gonna go flying comedically out.
But this is funny, too.
I'm sorry guys, I thought I constructed a device that would allow me to disable the lock.
But I'm afraid I failed you.
You'd think the talking dog would be the funny one in the group, but you guys are hilarious.
You guys could've jumped over me.
What's up, gumdrops? I've arrived at the wedding.
Everybody freak out! That is not the first time that's happened.
So is everything set? Are the dogs ready? Please tell me you see the six foot penguin, too.
Well, about the dogs.
There might be one little snag.
Okay, I'm not doing funny characters or playing games.
You tell me right now what is going on.
Is Angry Jackie talking to you? 'Cause she's straight up cray.
I'm gonna get her out of here to cool off.
It's okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Thank goodness you guys are here.
Come on, guys, we gotta start the wedding.
Strangers are starting to wander in.
I did not invite that kangaroo.
Wait, guys, this wedding's a big deal.
I don't know if I can do this.
Stan, it's normal to have cold feet.
Once you see how beautiful Princess looks in her dress, all of your doubts will melt away.
But Avery Come on, Stan, the wedding's about to start.
I can't do this.
Stan, wait! Uh, no need to worry, folks, he's just a dog.
Must have seen a squirrel or something.
This ceremony will resume shortly.
You're Jaclyn Bradley, I've read all about you.
You're that rich heiress who doesn't know what to do with her money so she spends it on ridiculous things for a web show.
I also pretend to be lots of different people because I'm very lonely.
Do you like action figures? Mint in the package? Okay, this is uncomfortable.
Stan, what's wrong? Don't you wanna marry Princess? I think he has cold feet, guys.
No, all I ever wanted was to declare my love for princess.
But how can I say my vows in front of all those people who can't know I talk? Oh, my gosh.
We got so caught up in what we wanted, we completely lost sight of what this was really for.
I'm sorry, Stan.
We really messed up.
Wow, and I did nothing wrong.
Continue.
Princess! Hey guys, why don't we do the wedding right here? A private ceremony.
Let's do it.
We are gathered here today to witness the union of Princess and Stan in marriage.
I believe Stan has some vows he'd like to say.
All my life, I've been a dog who can talk.
So I've been trapped between two worlds.
I'm not really a dog, I'm not really a person.
It's been hard.
But in the last few years, I finally found some people who are my family.
Life is just so much more precious to me since the meat wars.
And now, for the first time in my life, I found a dog who I wanna be my family.
Princess, I love you.
I want us to be together forever.
And even though you can't speak, I know you feel the exact same way.
Stan, Princess, do you take each other as husband and wife? We do.
Congratulations! You may now lick the bride.
Thank you, Avery.
That was a lovely ceremony.
It was exactly what I wanted.
Now, let's go do the fake one for the show! 'Cause, really, you got Wacky Jackie? I'm freaking out! Dog marriage is not something to be entered into lightly.
In fact, the bride and groom went through an extensive premarital counseling session with Dr.
Jackie.
Oh, these two kids, they're gonna make it work.
It's kismet.
I now pronounce you dog husband and dog wife.
I just married two dogs.
This is Wacky Jackie saying Yeah, she needs help.
Oh, thank you so much, Wacky Jackie, it's so amazing that you made this happen for our dog.
No, no, I have to thank you.
If it wasn't for this fantastic wedding, I wouldn't have met Gary Picklefish.
He's gonna mentor Clown Jackie.
Hi, kids! Yet again, a clown has come between me and the object of my affection.
How does my horoscope always know? Oh, my gosh.
Wacky Jackie just pied me.
I'm freaking out! What a perfect ending to a perfect day.
My wedding ended up being the greatest day of my life.
I married the dog I love surrounded by the family I love.
Speaking of love, Robert hit it off with one of Princess' bridesmaids, Roberta.
Do I hear wedding bells, Robert? Oh, Robert.
Always playing it cool.