Doug (1991) s03e13 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, TODAY
BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL DECLARED WAR
AND THE COMMANDER'S FIRST ORDER
WAS TO PUNISH
THE SCHOOL TRAITOR--
ME.
FIRING SQUAD,
READY
AIM
FIRE!
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
( barks )
FOR WEEKS WE'D BEEN WORKING
ON OUR FLOAT FOR THE PARADE.
WE WERE FINALLY GOING
TO BEAT THE MOODY SCHOOL
IN THE FLOAT COMPETITION.
THE REASON? MR. BEET.
OKAY, FIRE IT UP.
( engine starts )
YOU CAN'T BEA
BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL SPIRIT.
( oohing and aahing)
THE MOODY SCHOOL CAN'
BEAT US THIS YEAR.
TURN IT OFF.
TURN IT OFF.
OOP, EXCESSIVE JUICE FLOW.
BUT THEN ON THE MORNING
BEFORE THE PARADE
MR. BEET.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO OUR FLOAT?
IT'S GONE.
THEY STOLE IT.
THEY?
THEY?
DON'T PLAY INNOCENT.
YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN.
All:
YOU DO?
NO!
( sobbing )
WE WORKED SO HARD
AND ALL FOR NOTHING.
LOOK, THEY MADE
CONNIE CRY.
WHO'S THEY?
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW--
WITH YOUR SISTER
AND HER SNOBBY
MOODY SCHOOL FRIENDS.
DON'T WORRY, CONNIE.
I'LL GO OVER THERE
AND MAKE I
ALL BETTER.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT'S WAR!
THOSE MOODIES HAVE
NEVER LOST, RIGHT?
All:
RIGHT!
THEY KNEW WE WOULD WIN.
RIGHT!
SO THEY STOLE MR. BEET.
RIGHT!
SO WHAT WILL WE DO?
WRECK THEIR FLOAT!
YEAH!
MY SISTER COULDN'
HAVE STOLEN IT.
SHE WAS HOME LAST NIGHT.
All:
HUH?
WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAY?
I'M WONDERING
HOW THE MOODIES
HEARD ABOUT MR. BEE
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
AND I GOT LABELED A
TRAITOR!
TRAITOR!
MOODY SPY!
All:
MOODYITE!
READY
AIM
( gasps )
HOW WILL YOU GET IN?
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T GET PAS
THE FRONT GATE
CARRYING HAMMERS
AND PAINT CANS?
THEY'LL CATCH YOU--
MAKE YOU READ POETRY.
( all murmuring )
SO, SO WHAT ARE
YOU SAYING?
YOU NEED A SCOUT.
SOMEBODY WHO CAN SNEAK IN
AND SEE IF THEY EVEN
HAVE MR. BEET AND
All:
WRECK THEIR FLOAT! YEAH!
NO! NO! I MEAN
CALL YOU AND TELL YOU
WHERE IT IS, SO WE CAN
All:
WRECK THEIR FLOAT!
( cheering )
BUT NO FUNNY
BUSINESS.
IF I DON'T HEAR
FROM YOU BY TONIGHT.
THE GREAT BEE
WAR IS ON.
( all chanting: )
BEET WAR! BEET WAR!
( nervous tittering )
I DON'T KNOW, DOUG.
I DON'T THINK
IT'LL WORK.
IF I WANT TO STOP
THIS BEET WAR
I'VE GOT TO SEE IF
THEY EVEN TOOK THE BEET.
NO, YOUR DISGUISE.
IT MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE A CLOWN.
JUST COVER ME,
I'M GOING IN.
PHASE ONE: NEUTRALIZE THE GUARD
AND INFILTRATE THE COMPOUND.
HEY! WHAT'S THAT?
WHO'S THERE?
CODE RED! CODE RED!
ENEMY SOLDIER HAS
COMPROMISED SECURITY.
( soldiers yelling )
( siren wailing )
( soldiers screaming )
( computer bleeping )
Doug:
AH, YES.
'TIS SO TRUE!
NOTHING IS AS LOVERLY
AS A TREE--
Guard:
HEY, YOU!
THE CLOWN!
YOU KNOW
SCHOOL POLICY.
NO DOGS ON CAMPUS.
( yelping )
OH, KIDS, OH.
IN HERE.
THEY DON'T PAY ME
ENOUGH MONEY
TO CHASE THESE KIDS AROUND.
PHASE ONE ACCOMPLISHED.
PHASE TWO
Judy:
THAT IS SO COOL, SINCERITY.
OH, NO-- JUDY.
Sincerity:
Q'S BIG NEW BEE
WILL TOTALLY
CHANGE THE WAY
PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN
LOOK AT FLOATS.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW,
ROGER WAS RIGHT.
THEY DID STEAL OUR BEET.
Sincerity:
OH, SHE IS
SO GIFTED.
I MEAN, IS
THERE ANYONE
SO COMPLETELY
Q AS Q?
Q MUST BE THEIR LEADER.
OH, JUDITH,
YOU MUST COME
TO THE ART LAB
AND SEE I
BEFORE Q TAKES I
TO THE PARADE.
WELL, I DO HAVE
A FEW MINUTES.
WELL, WHAT ARE
WE WAITING FOR?
Sincerity:
THIS FLOAT IS
TO DIE FOR.
MR. BEET'S IN THEIR ART LAB.
WE'VE GOT TO STOP THEM.
( people talking )
OVER THERE.
UH-OH.
OKAY, OKAY, I GIVE--
Man:
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, STOP!
KILL THE SOUND EFFECTS.
HUH?
Man:
I SAID STOP!
THE NEO-HEGELIAN
CLOWN SHOULDN'T APPEAR
UNTIL ACT THREE.
GET HIM OFF THE--
( barking )
ART LAB? SURE,
RIGHT OUT THAT DOOR.
( barks )
THAT IS A VERY GIFTED DOG.
Doug:
ART LAB.
YOU FOUND THE ART LAB.
THIS IS IT.
( grunts )
AH, LITTLE BROTHER.
( deep voice: )
COME WITH ME!
( as Rambo: )
YO, YO, YO.
I HAVE CAPTURED
THE INTRUDER.
OH, YES, THE LITTLE SPY.
THROW HIM IN MR. BEE
WITH THE OTHERS.
( cackling )
EMERGENCY.
THIS IS NO
A TEST.
OKAY, PORKCHOP, THIS IS IT.
OH, NO!
THERE'S HUNDREDS OF ART LABS.
WE'LL NEVER FIND IT.
RODNEY, I'M
NOT SEEING
ENOUGH TORMENT.
( singing opera )
( New Age music playing )
Man:
THERE HE IS.
Woman:
COME BACK HERE!
RUN, PORKCHOP!
( panting )
PORKCHOP, OH, NO!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
JUDY! HI!
THAT'S MY SHIRT,
MY PANTS
( gasps )
MY WIG.
YOU'VE COME
TO EMBARRASS ME
IN FRONT OF
EVERYBODY.
WELL
Woman:
JUDY!
OH, NO, THAT'S Q.
QUICK, DUCK DOWN.
Q:
WE NEED HELP
COVERING THE BIG BEE
BEFORE THEY TAKE IT AWAY.
WHERE'S YOUR PHONE?
OVER THERE.
YOU'VE MADE A WISE DECISION.
I DON'T KNOW HIM
AND HE'S DEFINITELY
NOT MY BROTHER.
THERE ARE KIDS
OVER AT THE BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL
WAITING FOR MY CALL.
( whistling )
OH, NO!
( grunting )
DOUG, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?!
Q, I'LL GIVE YOU
ONE LAST CHANCE.
HAND OVER MR. BEE
OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.
MR. BEET?
DON'T PLAY STUPID.
IT'S RIGHT UNDER THIS SHEET.
NO, NOT YET!
OOH, I AM NEVER GOING
TO FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!
FOR WHAT,
EXPOSING YOUR TREACHERY?
Skeeter:
YO, DOUG.
WHAT YOU DOING?
HUH?
( screaming )
THAT'S THE BIG NEW BEET?
OH, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE,
YOU IDIOT.
UNVEILED Q'S BRILLIAN
REDUCTIVIST PIECE
OF CONCEPTUAL AR
BEFORE THE PARADE STARTED!
BUT, MR. BEET, YOU
SAID THEY STOLE IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DUFUS?
AL AND MOO TOOK I
HOME TO FIX IT.
Both:
JUICE FLOW NORMALIZED.
BUT WHAT ABOU
"THE GREAT BEET WAR"?
AND WHAT ABOUT ME
BEING A TRAITOR?
OH, YEAH.
NEVER MIND.
I TOLD YOU I WAS JOKING
BUT NO-O, YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN.
Mr. Beet:
YOU CAN'T BEA
THE BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL SPIRIT.
JUST IGNORE THEM.
YOU WERE
THE ONE WHO KNEW
THAT MOODY SCHOOL
DIDN'T STEAL IT.
I BET YOUR SISTER'S
REAL PROUD OF YOU.
UM, YEAH, HA-HA.
SO ONCE THEY FOUND OU
THEY WERE WRONG
THEY FORGOT ABOU
THEIR GREAT BEET WAR
AND THEIR HATE AND ANGER
AND WANTING REVENGE.
THEY FORGOT EVERYTHING.
THERE MUST BE
A LESSON HERE SOMEWHERE.
"WAR IS STUPID."
RIGHT, PORKCHOP?
PORKCHOP?
PORKCHOP!
( applause and cheering )
Man:
THAT IS A VERY GIFTED DOG.
Doug:
"THAT'S EASY,"
SAID THE MAGICIAN.
AND HE SAID THE MAGIC WORD,
VENI, VIDI, VICI.
TA-DA!
OH, THAT'S
GREAT, DOUG.
( giggles )
OH.
VENI, VIDI, VICI!
THANK YOU.
VENI, VIDI, VICI!
TA-DA!
I REALLY SHOULD BE GOING.
I HAVE BEETBALL PRACTICE.
NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEMO.
WE'LL JUMP
TO THE GRAND FINALE.
FOR MY LAS
ILLUSION
I NEED A VOLUNTEER
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
YOU MEAN ME?
UH-HUH.
OH.
HOW ABOUT THE
LOVELY YOUNG LADY
IN THE FRONT ROW?
I'M IN A HURRY.
CAN WE JUS
SKIP TO
AND WHAT IS
YOUR NAME?
PATTI.
WHAT ARE YOU?
DOUG!
NOTHING TO WORRY
ABOUT, MISS.
I HAVE THE KEY
RIGHT HERE-- OOPS.
DOUG, WHY DID
YOU DO THAT?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
NOW, MISS, DON'T PANIC.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
WE JUST PLACE
THE MAGIC SCARF
OVER THE CUFFS AND
SAY THE MAGIC WORD
VENI, VIDI, VICI!
AND TA-DA!
AND VENI
UH
OOPS.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
MY PARTNER HAS 30 SECONDS TO
ESCAPE FROM THIS STRAIGHTJACKET.
DEAR JOURNAL, IT ALL STARTED
A LONG TIME AGO
WHEN I SAW
SOME MAGICIANS ON TV.
Announcer:
If he doesn't make it
he'll be dropped
into this tank of worms.
AFTER STUDYING THEIR ROUTINES
I INVENTED A FEW TRICKS
OF MY OWN.
STARTING WITH THE SIMPLE RUBBER
SNAKE-IN-THE-DRYER TRICK
( screams )
I SOON ADVANCED
TO THE MORE SOPHISTICATED
SNAKE-IN-YOUR-SISTER'S-BED
TRICK.
OF COURSE, THEY WEREN'T REAL
MAGIC TRICKS, BUT BEFORE LONG
Doug:
I TOLD THIS FRIEND OF MINE
I'D GIVE THEM A SPECIAL SHOW.
I WANT SOMETHING
THAT'LL REALLY
IMPRESS HER.
AH, I'M BEGINNING
TO UNDERSTAND.
I MAY HAVE
JUST THE THING.
( humming )
I'M SURE
THEY'RE UP
HERE SOMEPLACE.
AHA!
WHOA!
( squeaks )
ONE OF A KIND--
GUARANTEED TO IMPRESS HER.
WHOODINI
MYSTERY CUFFS?
ARE YOU SURE?
THEY SEEM PRETTY ORDINARY.
OH, NO, THESE ARE
SPECIAL HANDCUFFS.
IF YOU WORK
THEM RIGH
THERE'S A SECRE
SURPRISE FINISH
TO THE TRICK BUILT IN.
I COULD JUST SEE
HOW IT WOULD GO.
VENI, VIDI, VICI!
OH, DOUG
YOU'RE SO MAGICAL.
OF COURSE, IT WAS
NOTHING LIKE THAT.
VENI, VICI
I'M REALLY SORRY.
THEY WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO
WAIT A SECOND.
I GOT SOMETHING.
UNDO THEM AND I'LL
ALL RIGHT!
MY BLUFF SCOU
POCKET KNIFE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR THIS.
I WONDER WHAT ELSE
IS DOWN HERE.
DOUG, MY PRACTICE!
HOW LONG HAVE YOU GOT?
15 MINUTES IF I GO
STRAIGH
TO THE PARK.
PLENTY OF TIME.
( grunting )
I THINK I GOT IT.
JUST ONE MORE INCH AND
AND ( sneezes ).
GREAT.
DON'T WORRY.
I GOT AN IDEA.
( ticking )
OHH!
MUST YOU STARE
AT YOUR WATCH?
I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OU
WHEN TO CHEW MY HAND OFF.
VERY FUNNY.
HOLD IT.
I THINK I GOT SOMETHING.
Doug:
SLOWLY. SLOWLY.
MAN, IT'S SURE HEAVY.
HEY, IT'S STUCK.
( growling )
( yelling )
( whimpering )
( snoring )
DON'T WORRY,
I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA.
Patti:
LET'S WALK OVER
TO THE MAGIC SHOP
AND ASK THEM
TO HELP.
WALK? OUTSIDE?
IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?
LIKE THIS?
YOU COULD JUST SAY
WHAT HAPPENED.
I KNOW HOW THEY WORK.
THEY'RE JUST STUCK.
WE JUST NEED SOME AHA!
SUNTAN LOTION?
TRUST ME-- JUS
A DROP OR TWO, AND
( grunting )
WHAT IF WE JUST CUT THEM OFF?
OKAY, WE WON'
CUT THEM OFF.
THEY COST SEVEN
ALLOWANCES.
BESIDES I
I THINK
CAN WE GO TO THE
MAGIC SHOP NOW?
PLEASE?
I KNOW, WAIT,
I KNOW, I KNOW.
COME ON, COME ON.
( grunting )
MAGIC SHOP.
PEOPLE CAN'T SEE US LIKE THIS.
WE'LL SPEND OUR LIVES
HANDCUFFED TO EACH OTHER.
REALLY?
THREE MINUTES.
WE JUST CAN'
LOOK OBVIOUS.
WHAT CAN WE?
I GOT IT.
SEE, THIS WAY
WELL, DOUGLAS AND PATRICIA.
HOW ARE YOU TWO?
OH, UH, WE'RE COMPLETELY
NORMAL, MR. DINK.
WE WERE JUST TAKING
THESE RECYCLABLES IN.
WE'RE NOT HAVING
ANY PROBLEMS.
WELL, CARRY ON.
( panting )
THAT WAS SMOOTH, DOUG.
REAL SMOOTH.
YOU THINK SO?
YOU SAID
RECYCLABLES?
OH, HEY, MOO.
HEY, AL.
PERHAPS YOU
COULD TAKE
THESE OBSOLETE
COMPUTER PARTS FOR US.
( all grunting )
I FELT AWFUL--
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
I NEVER WANTED TO PUT PATTI
THROUGH ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
IN FACT, THE ONLY THING
I WANTED TO DO
SINCE I CAME TO BLUFFINGTON,
WAS TO BE NEAR HER.
IT'S ALL I EVER DREAMED OF.
MY DREAM WAS TURNING
INTO A NIGHTMARE.
CAN WE JUST PU
THIS THING DOWN?
I'M STARTING TO
LOSE THE FEELING
IN MY PITCHING ARM.
JUST ONE MORE BLOCK.
IT'S FIVE MINUTES
AFTER 5:00.
DON'T WORRY, IT'S
FIVE AFTER 5:00?
UH-OH, HURRY.
( sign creaking )
LET ME GE
THIS STRAIGHT.
IF WE LEFT YOUR HOUSE
THE FIRST TIME I ASKED YOU
WE WOULD'VE BEEN HERE IN TIME
RIGHT?
IT'S NOT LIKE IT SOUNDS.
YOU'RE TWISTING THE LOGIC.
YOU KNEW
I HAD PRACTICE
BUT YOU KEPT GOING.
YOU WERE THINKING
OF YOURSELF.
BUT, PATTI.
I'M NOT SPEAKING
TO YOU, DOUG FUNNIE!
WELL, IT'S CLOSED
TILL MONDAY.
ARE WE GOING TO SIT HERE
AND NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER?
MAYBE.
OKAY.
OKAY!
ANYWAY I WAS
THINKING ABOUT YOU.
HAH!
IT'S TRUE, YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE ALL I THINK ABOUT.
I BOUGHT THIS TRICK
TO SHOW YOU.
I SAVED UP SEVEN ALLOWANCES.
IF I KNEW IT WAS
GOING TO TURN
OUT LIKE THIS
I WOULDN'T EVEN
HAVE TRIED IT.
I GUESS I ONLY WANTED
YOU TO, YOU KNOW
TO LIKE ME
OR SOMETHING.
AND NOW, WELL, I FEEL
SO COMPLETELY STUPID
I ALMOST WISH
I NEVER MOVED HERE.
DON'T SAY THAT, DOUG.
LOOK, I'M SORRY
I GOT SO WEIRD
ABOUT PRACTICE.
I WAS JUS
FRUSTRATED.
AND I'M REALLY
GLAD YOU DID
MOVE HERE
BECAUSE WELL
BECAUSE OUT OF
ALL MY FRIENDS
I LIKE BEING AROUND
YOU BEST OF ALL.
REALLY?
YEAH.
WOW!
WELL, HEY, WE
MUST HAVE TRIPPED
A CATCH OR SOMETHING.
WELL, YOU CAN GO TO
YOUR PRACTICE NOW.
YOU'LL ONLY BE
A FEW MINUTES LATE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
OKAY.
OKAY, SEE YOU LATER.
YEAH, OKAY,
SEE YOU, DOUG.
SEE YOU, PATTI.
I WAS JUST THINKING.
MAYBE THEY COULD GET ALONG
WITHOUT ME JUST THIS ONCE.
YOU WANT TO GO TO
THE HONKER BURGER
FOR A SHAKE
OR SOMETHING?
SURE.
WAIT!
WELL, SO MUCH
FOR THE BIG FINISH.
BIG FINISH?
WOW!
THEY REALLY DID WORK.
RACE YOU TO THE
HONKERBURGER.
WHAT?
SURE-- YOU READY?
READY.
SET?
SET!
( giggling )
HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR!
COME BACK, YOU BIG CHEATER!
VENI, VIDI, VICI!