Duckman (1994) s03e13 Episode Script

Ah, home at last.
Worn down and weary after a hard day's work.
But a remedy awaits-- for tonight is my night to pamper myself and I don't mean the diapers which I've penciled in for Wednesday.
A night made in heaven.
And who deserves it more than I? Toiling tirelessly yet another day in order to provide food and clothing for my family.
All right, clothing.
Bye, Dad.
Though we're only ten years old, we're going out to find a job, because we haven't had pants that fit in three years.
All right, neither! I hate that! I walk around, minding my own business, talking to myself, and suddenly, everything I say becomes a set-up for some perfectly-timed joke at my expense.
Unfortunately, I didn't hear you, or I would have made a joke at your expense.
See?! Duckman, I've got a job for you to do.
Unless it involves you, flammable pajamas, and a wayward pilot light, I have other plans.
Tonight, the Chateau Duckman is my castle and I am king.
You mean Rodney King? ( screams ) Or Don King? Oop, I have to go to the gym.
Maybe, when I get back, we can do Larry, Perry, and Coretta Scott.
Go quickly and go far, O Nagging Spawn of Satan.
I, in the meantime, will find solace in the intellectual challenge that is cable TV.
Wow.
He fishes while he talks.
Whoa! My bus driver wanted to make sure I got home.
Dad, given that Aunt Bernice doesn't have the time lately to ask me to repeat what I said after her blank look and given that the twins are each lucky enough to have a second head to converse with, I was thinking perhaps I could talk to you.
Ah, that's fine, son.
It's good to have a dream.
But Dad, I think this might be that time in an adolescent's development when he needs to, you know, discuss things with his father.
Are you trying to tell me this is the big "P"? I thought we had that penciled in for Wednesday.
Puberty, Ajax.
Are you getting bigger pimples? Sporting a little peach fuzz on the bill? Feeling repulsed by your own scrawny appearance? Mercilessly laughed at by girls, despite a deepening desire to be close to them? Suddenly aware of a fire in your loins engulfing you in a living inferno, sending you off behind a closed door for up to three or four weeks at a time? Um, no.
Oh! Uh, me neither.
So, we've bonded, I've grown.
Now, don't you have some ear wax to sculpt or something? If you're not in the mood to talk, we could just watch TV together.
ANNOUNCER: The Father/Son Hour.
Uh-uh.
ANNOUNCER 2: Quality time with your teenage son.
Don't think so.
WOMAN: Every son needs a father.
Nope.
MAN: Naked women giving Vegas odds.
Whoa-hoo-hoo! And will you take a look at the spread? Uh, Ajax I feel it's my duty as a responsible parent to make you leave the house tonight.
Here's a buck and a half.
If you're buying beer, you'll have to panhandle for the rest.
Okay, Dad, I'll wander the streets picking up my morals, values, and core beliefs from the people of the night then come back when I'm fully formed and beyond your influence.
Good boy.
Oop! Wait-- I can help.
Remember that movie where the dad learns he's dying from a fatal disease so he makes a tape telling his child everything he thinks is important to know.
Well, I have one for you.
Are you dying from a fatal disease? Nah.
I just knew I'd be watching a lot of tv.
I wasn't asking a lot.
It's just that, as I grow, I find myself experiencing changes granted, less extreme ones than I felt after swallowing the Drano, but changes I'd like to discuss with someone.
Whoa! ( groans ) ( rumbling ) Huh? ( loud whirring ) Wow.
( rattling, clattering ) ( engine misfires ) ( hinges creaking ) Howdy! I'm Tommy Lee Grabsdig! And this here's Billy Saw Mobinrib! We're inferior beings from the planet Betamax.
We come looking for the wisest man on Earth so's he can bring progress to our real-purty- but-backward-and-full- of-stupid-people planet.
Mite antisocial.
Nice body, though.
Greetings, feared fellows.
What planet are you from? You hear that, Billy Saw? He knows we're from somewheres else.
Whee, doggies, Tommy Lee.
He must be the wise one.
Actually, my name is Ajax, not to be confused with the man on TV who fixes bicycles.
But you probably wouldn't because his name is Bill.
Whish! Went right over my head.
I'm Tommy Lee, and this is Billy Saw.
We got the same voice on account of us beings from Betamax never had a original thought in our heads, so we copy everything we can.
That plus thousands of years of sleeping with our relatives.
Well, there's nothing like a close family.
A profundity-- ooh-whee! He's the one, billy saw.
Somehow we got to trick him into getting on board our ship.
Ever seen the inside of a spaceship? No.
Want to? Okay.
( engine starts ) NEWSCASTER: Perot claims not to know it was a gay bar.
MAN: Shut up, you old hoor.
WOMAN: Ajax brand euro-coffee.
A-j-a-x-- Ajax! That explains why there's no puddles of drool next to the dog's bowl-- Ajax is missing.
Boys, check the house and the yard.
Listen up, DaffyDuh.
I don't know what's happened to Ajax, but I've got a feeling you're responsible.
I've never been the least bit responsible and you know it.
Besides, he could be lots of places.
( horns honking ) ( engine starting ) ( panting ) He's not here-- but don't worry, Dad.
There's no reason to believe that Ajax won't safely lumber into the open arms of home, hearth and family.
Unless, of course, he was callously and selfishly rejected by you, sending him into the open arms of whiteslavers, the al-Fatah, or people who appreciate the photographs of Robert Mapplethorpe.
( gasps ) Hey, cats and kittens.
Corny, what have I done?! Compared to Mozart, not a helluva lot.
I can't take the guilt! For posing as a blind shower repairman at the girls' lacrosse finals? For using your great-aunt's ashes for carpet deodorizer? For getting change for your Monopoly money from a UNICEF box? What are you, my biographer? All right, look, everyone.
He hasn't been gone that long.
How bad a situation could he have really gotten into? ( screaming ) I told you we should have got insurance when we rented this.
Hot dog, Ajax.
Welcome to the planet Betamax.
( wings making sound like a pumping accordian ) ( thud, squawk ) ( all laughing ) You dropped a five-credit note.
Why, so I have.
Let me repay you for your loss.
Do you have change for a ten? I don't, but take a 20.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
( scratching ) Billy Saw, Tommy Lee, what y'all think you're doing? We don't think nothing.
We're just doing whatever Ajax does.
Ernest T.
, this is Ajax.
Ajax, Ernest T.
Globb.
Ernest T.
here sounds a little bit different from everyone else, so we made him deputy.
It's me, it's me, the deputy.
( raspy, wheezing laughter ) Ajax is the one we've been looking for.
He's kind and gentle and wise.
( belches ) ( all gasp ) And he can sing.
We're looking for a clue that could lead us to him-- anything you don't ordinarily see in Ajax's room.
Duckman? Duckman? I found these disgusting things in Ajax's closet.
Why didn't I teach him to just say no to this garbage? This is Ajax's room.
That stuff is from your closet.
Oh.
Hey, I didn't know he could sculpt clay.
Not clay, cheese.
Each sculpture corresponds to the cheese used.
For example, this goat is made from goat cheese.
This map of Switzerland is made from Swiss cheese.
What's this head made out of? Blech "My money for college.
" I didn't know Ajax wanted to go to college.
I didn't know he could spell college.
Well, actually ( chuckling ) Lookit-- "college" with two L's.
It's only later that the sixQ's sneak up on you.
No money inside, just papers.
"I owe me $28, Dad's racetrack night.
"I owe me $16, Dad's bondage uh, bowling night.
" there's dozen's of these.
Apparently, Ajax has been sneaking money into your wallet.
This has gotta be $300-$400-- every allowance he ever got.
Doesn't he spend any money to make himself happy? This probably did make him happy.
Well, there's a couple of leads here we can follow.
With the whole family helping, we can cover a lot of ground before dark.
Think we missed anything? Just my son's whole life.
Well, got your general store.
You got your trastic light.
You got your scaly flyin' glibneezers that drop your oogla everywhere.
( glibneezer squawks ) Interesting tour, Ernest T.
Though I'm sure the ability to comprehend and recall would have greatly enhanced my enjoyment.
So, tell us about your planet.
What's that like? Well, let me think.
I know that it spins really fast.
( all gasping and murmuring in awe ) Give us the word.
Help us, Ajax.
Tell us! Tell us what it's like in paradise.
Get up on that there mount, so everybody can see on you.
You all really want to hear what i have to say? Tell us what it's like! Yeah! Yes! Teach us, Ajax! Give us the word! Tell us! Where to start well, always burp the air out of the white bread before you put the twist tie on.
( cheering ) and blessed are the pacemakers, though, without them, we'd inherit things a lot sooner.
And cherish the occasions when you don't have to shower, 'cause men's odor is what makes men's men feel like men's men men uh men.
ALL: Ah men.
Wow.
It's as if I found a whole new family-- one that really wants me around.
I think I'll stay.
We're talking spin-off with the animators.
There's some feelers from Dreamworks.
"We're big fans"-- that kind of thing.
You? Summer tour came through.
Odd Couple.
Felix, this time.
Dinner theaters, mostly, but classy, you know? Two-drink minimum.
I'm doing time and temperature for Southwest Bell.
Aha.
Good gig.
Very nice.
Real challenge.
MAN: Okay, kids, we're ready.
( bell rings twice ) MAN: Speed.
MAN 2: Nice energy.
And action.
We got to find Ajax but how are we going to know where to look? Of course, I'm not a professional detective-- I don't really understand these complex matters-- but maybe you should look in the places he usually goes! Okay, maybe, but I have no idea where he goes.
If only there were people who really knew him, who lived with him who were like brothers to him.
( clearing throats ) What? What? We're his brothers.
Oh, well, aren't we special? "We're his brothers.
"Ooh, look at us; we're so important.
We're his brothers.
" look, boys, does our little interruption have anything whatsoever to do with the problem we're trying to solve? You know the drill.
Slowly, with as many little words as possible.
We made up a list of his favorite places to go, Dad.
They might surprise you.
If indeed you're still surprised that you know almost nothing about the members of your own family.
I'll have you know, Mr.
Smarty-pants, that that doesn't surprise me one bit.
Once again, I emerge with the upper hand.
I don't get it, Corny.
Why would he come here? There's nothing but art.
Perhaps he was looking to compensate for something he found lacking in his home environment.
You're right! They've got full frontal nudity! Whoo-hoo! ( grunts ) sad, isn't it? Some kid comes in here every day to look at that statue.
Walks back and forth so much, he's worn down the concrete.
Duckman, I think i've found something that may give us a clue as to what Ajax was looking for.
I'll be right there, corny.
Just seeing what she'd look like with both her breasts.
( kids shouting, laughing happily ) Duckman, are you sensing a pattern in the places Ajax likes to come? Yeah.
He's not at any of them.
It's true.
I don't know him, do I, Corny? I've let him grow up without bothering to find out who he is or what he wants and now, if anything's happened to him it's my fault.
Because of me, he's out on his own, helpless and friendless and alone in a cold, cruel world.
( crowd chanting ): Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! ( cheering ) sometimes at night, if you leave your window open the fumes from a nearby paint factory can help you get to sleep.
ALL: Ooh! By eating tainted food from dented cans you can simulate the feeling of a gunshot wound to the stomach, without actually being fired upon.
ALL: Ooh! Dad says if you give the asbestos inspector enough money, he won't bother you again for a whole year.
ALL: Ooh! You up and mentioned some feller called "Dod.
" Is that who you learned from? Dad? Well, I guess he's the one who's most responsible for making me what I am.
Well, shut my mouth and call me a cab.
This "Dod" must be one humdinger of a superior creature.
Got a picture? ( both gasp ) handsome sort, and you're the spitting image 'cept for the size and the shape and the color and the face and stuff.
He also made me this educational videotape, wherein he talks about everything he felt it was important for me to know.
Sooey! Can we watch? Sure.
Do you have VCRs? Handy, but repairs are a pain in the butt.
( both guffawing ) ( tape clicks into slot, grunts ) We're backward, but we got our priorities.
Listen up, everybody.
It's Dod, the varmint who's so wise, he taught Ajax everything he knows.
ALL: Whoa! My advice is to write it all down.
These are going to be words to live by.
( all burping ) What the hell are you staring at? ( musical theme playing ) * * TOMMY LEE: And so it was that Dod's wisdom was visited upon our world.
He spoke to us of a new way of living a new way of behaving toward one another-- his way.
( yelling indistinctly ) Remember, cheeks red, cleavage scrunched.
( all gasp ) Dod bless Betamax.
We'll do it in the name of Dod.
And Dod said unto us: "If someone beatest the crap out of you, then you beatest the crap out of him.
" ( bell ringing ) ( all yelling ) CROWD ( chanting ): Kill Ajax! Kill Ajax! I do love it here but if all I'm going to see is mobs and guns and explosives, I might as well be back at school.
MOB: Kill Ajax! Kill Ajax! ( gasping ) ( all panting ) ( mob clamoring ) You remember how this dang thing works? I believe that button takes us straight up.
( jackhammer rattling ) Truly, he was the son of Dod.
( grunts ) Nice shot, Timmy.
This duck hole is a hard one.
( sighs ) I'm at a loss.
What possible connection can there be between a family beach, a statue of a family, a family playground and amusement park a family picnic area, a family rec center, a restaurant with a weekly "families eat free" night, a taping of the game show Family Feud, and a miniature golf course filled with families? ( Ajax screams ) Ow.
Sorry about that, Ajax.
I forgive you.
You didn't know what you were doing.
Dad? ALL: Ajax! I've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole life.
Bail bondsman? Okay, yeah, but this is good too.
Where'd you go? Actually, it's quite interesting.
I was kidnapped by hillbilly aliens who all have the same voice then taken to their planet and worshipped as a deity by millions, until your videotape caused the entire culture to be enveloped in a downward spiral of violence, greed and pornography.
I was like one clue away from guessing that.
I think you might have been dreaming, Ajax.
You look like you had a nasty hit on the head.
Are you okay? Of course he is! The important thing is that he's back with us.
You being gone has taught me a valuable lesson, Ajax.
It's that when a father and a son Uh When they, uh The important thing about being Eh, if you, uh Help me out here.
I think you learned that, too often, we fail to take the time to really get to know those we love the most.
That was okay.
Sometimes you do better.
Thanks, Dad.
It means a lot to hear someone else say you meant to say that.
I learned a lesson too.
I went searching for a connection to a family who would love me and listen to me, and I found it amongst a planet full of people who felt I was worth more than any of you ever will.
But, you know, I'm glad to be back and everything.
Come on, son.
Let's go home.
Maybe the whole thing was a dream, Dad.
After all, in real life, can you imagine a whole civilization worshiping a god who created the very world that plagues them? ( all laughing ) ( laughter fades to nervous chuckles ) ( explosion ) AJAX: What makes men's men feel like men's men?