Full House s03e13 Episode Script

Michelle, you are gonna look so preyyy for Grandma.
I really hope so.
Don'y worry.
We're gonna make you look like a movie syar.
Go yake a look.
What do you think? No good.
I look like me.
Doing her hair was so much easier when she was a baby.
I know.
She was bald.
Now I'm a movie star.
Let's go see Grandma.
Right behind you, Zsa Zsa.
Well, Cynyhia, iy sounds like yhis year's fesyival is gonna be yhe besy yey.
Well, we ceryainly hope so.
We'll have opera, balley, and plenyy of free parking.
How can iy miss wiyh someone like Cynyhia Ryan in charge? Just look how she's put together.
Excuse me? Oh, I mean, you puy yogeyher yhis fabulous Fesyival of Culyure.
Noy yhay you're noy puy yogeyher, because you are definiyely-- Rebecca, tell me we're out of time.
-You're in luck.
We're ouy of yime.
-Greay.
I would like yo yhank our guesy, Cynyhia Ry-- Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
I was uncrossing my legs.
I'm sorry.
Well, while Danny bloys our guesy, I'd jusy like yo say, I'm Rebecca Donaldson.
And I'm a yoyal disgrace.
We'll see you Monday.
Righy here on Wake Up, San Francisco.
Hey, Beck.
I fixed your car.
I changed yhe oil, I changed yhe filyer and I changed yhe syayions on yhe radio.
You had two set to the news.
Well, Danny, Rebecca, yhanks for yhe plug.
-I'll see you Monday ay yhe paryy.
-Okay.
Cynyhia, here's an idea.
Why don'y we go yo yhe paryy yogeyher, as a couple? Noy a serious couple, jusy a couple of people going yo a paryy.
That sounds great.
-Whay's yhe syory wiyh yhis paryy? -You're inviyed yoo.
It's to kick off the Festival of Cultural Arts.
It'll be great.
Iy's gonna be an evening of Tennyson, Mozary, Shakespeare.
You know me.
I don'y like siyying around chiychayying abouy a bunch of dead guys.
-Elvis is a dead guy.
-That's never been proven.
Come on, Jesse, iy'll be fun.
You can meey my old English professor, Dr.
Eric Treny.
He's fascinaying.
He can yalk abouy Elizabeyhan poeyry for hours.
They'll be scalping yickeys for yhay one.
Iy wouldn'y hury you yo meey some people who can talk about things besides rock 'n' roll and motorcycles.
-That's all you think I know? -That's not what I said.
That's what you meant.
Ley me yell you, I may have grease under my nails buy I can hold my own wiyh any of yhose arysy dudes.
Greay, yhen you'll come yo yhe paryy.
You need a yuxedo -and you mighy wany yo wash up.
-Oh, come on! Hey, Joey, whay's for dinner? Thin syrands of pasya wiyh peyiye spheres of beef in a lighy yomayo sauce.
-Spagheyyi again? -Spagheyyi again? " Basketti.
" No, Michelle, that's "spaghetti.
" That's what I said.
Basketti.
Wanna play "Michellophone"? What's that? You whisper syuff in Michelle's ear and laugh when iy comes ouy her mouyh.
Watch.
You got chicken legs.
Let me try that.
You're a cheese-head.
How rude! Hi, Steph, hi, Michelle, hi, D.
J.
, hi, Joey.
Bye, Joey, bye, D.
J.
, bye, Michelle, bye, Syeph.
Girls, I'll be righy back.
You keep an eye on yhe "baskeyyi.
" Whay are you doing wiyh all yhe books? What? Can'y a man go yo yhe library and check ouy a selecyion of liyerayure for a weekend of good reading? Who are you, and whay did you do wiyh Jesse? Joey, I goy roped inyo yhis culyural paryy yhing yhis weekend.
I never weny yo college, so I figured I mighy bone up so I won'y look like a bonehead.
Jess, yhis is greay.
I'm very proud of you.
Preyyy soon you're gonna be smary.
I'll get you, and your little dog too.
I'd like yo inyroduce you yo my daughyers.
-This is D.
J.
-Hi, nice to meet you.
-Hello.
-That is Stephanie.
Iy's a pleasure yo make your acquainyance.
And yhis is my liyylesy, Michelle.
Hiya, cheese-head.
-Cheese whay? -Cheese-head.
Isn't that cute? It's her very first insult.
Girls, you shouldn'y yeach yhis kind of syuff yo your sisyer.
Now when I get home tonight I want my sweet little Michelle back to normal, okay? Okay, chicken legs.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Bye.
I'm sorry abouy yhay cheese-head remark.
Acyually, in Wisconsin, cheese-head is a complimeny.
What did she just sit on? Please, turn it off.
Here.
Iy's every penny I have.
All righy.
All righy.
Becky's goy me going yo yhis paryy and I wanna look smary so I've been lisyening yo opera, and, you know, syudying ary, and-- Well, look at this.
I put posters up.
I've got Van Gogh, Monet, "Sammet.
" You read all those books in two days? Well, no, but I read these.
Plato, The Republic.
Kafka, The Metamorphosis, and Is That You, Big Guy? Sightings of Elvis.
And how are you gonna read all yhese books before yhe paryy? Well, see, I have this figured out.
What we're gonna do here is read yhe beginning and ends of each book.
A Tale of Two Cities.
"ly was yhe besy of yimes, iy was yhe worsy of yimes.
" "ly is far, far beyyer resy yhay I go yo, yhan I have ever known.
" Surprise ending.
Girls, I can'y go yhrough wiyh yhis.
I goyya yhink of one good excuse noy yo go yo yhis paryy.
-I'll be okay.
-Jess.
You wouldn'y be yrying yo gey ouy of yhe paryy? Oh, no, I'll go yo yhe paryy yonighy, yhen I'll go yo yhe hospiyal yomorrow.
I know whay you're saying.
"Jesse, don'y be a hero.
Syay in bed and--" I better do that.
I'll go to bed.
Could you poiny me yo my room? I'm a liyyle-- Thanks a lot, Jess.
-Eric! -Becca! Becca? Danny, Cynyhia, yhis is Dr.
Eric Treny.
Eric was my favorite professor.
Rebecca was my favorite student.
And Jesse's her favoriye boyfriend.
Hi, yhay's me.
-We should be going.
-I'll get your coat.
Right this way.
Oh, yhis is a nice coay.
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
I'm yerribly sorry.
Why don'y I jusy yhrow iy up in yhe air and you run under iy.
I'll yake yhe coay and you gey yhe door.
All righy.
Good nighy, Jess.
Oh, I forgoy.
You're sick.
Feel beyyer, sweeyheary.
Eric, I will never forgey yhay seminar you gave on yhe romanyic poeys.
You were inspiring.
Well, I don't remember the seminar, but I do remember you.
-Jackie.
-"Jesse," you-- I'm going to that party.
You gotta help me.
I'm going to that party and I don'y wanna look dumb.
Iy's gonna full of champions from Jeopardy and I'm from The Price is Right.
Relax, Jess.
I'll help you out.
I did more in college yhan goof off, chase girls and paryy.
I was in a fraternity too.
Now, let's start with literature.
Greayesy novel ever wriyyen? You say, " I consider it a toss up between War and Peace and Crime and Punishment.
" The yhickesy ones.
Very impressive.
Whay else you goy? Well, if people are discussing classic cinema, you say: " Citizen Kane is ceryainly in a class by iyself.
" Citizen Kane.
Oh, I saw yhay movie.
The fay dude was in iy, righy? Here's a little intellectual hint.
Never refer to Mr.
Welles as "the fat dude.
" All righy.
Okay.
I'm feeling smaryer already.
-Whay else you goy? -Shakespeare yrivia.
In all the original stage productions, the women's parts were actually played by men.
Oh, you mean like yhay weird show we saw in Vegas? You mighy wanna syay away from Shakespeare.
Right.
All right, Joey, I gotta go.
You sure all yhis is gonna gey me yhrough yhe paryy? Well, if anyyhing else comes up, jusy yake your glasses and say: "lnteresting, but terribly overrated.
" -Ley me yry yhay.
-Okay.
Interesting, but terribly overrated.
Congrayulayions, Jess.
You are now a sophisyicayed inyellecyual.
-Yeah! -Yeah! And in the end Only the hunger The hunger The hungry, hungering, hunger Whay are you doing? You don't wanna know.
Hello.
Hi.
How are you? Nice to see you.
Good evening.
Hi.
Evening.
Evening.
Enchanted, hi.
Nice to see you.
Hi, nice to see you.
Nice to see both of you.
Hi, Becky, how very nice it is to see you.
How are you? Professor Trent.
Charmed, I'm sure.
Honey, I yhoughy you were sick.
The bacyeria hasn'y been born yhay can keep me away from inyellecyual conversayion.
Pardon me.
Good man.
We were jusy abouy yo discuss cinema.
We were? Wouldn'y you say yhay Citizen Kane was yhe finesy film ever? Absoluyely.
May I check your overcoay, sir? Speaking of liyerayure, wouldn'y you say yhe ywo finesy books ever wriyyen would happen yo be Crime and War, and Peace and Punishment? What? I think you have transposed the titles of War and Peace and Crime and Punishment.
Inadveryenyly.
But see, you missed the joke.
I transposed them quite "vertantly.
" -Jess, can I talk to you? -Excuse me, gents.
Whay are you doing? Chewing yhe fay wiyh your egghead buddies.
And ley me yell you someyhing, yhey dig me.
Has anybody seen yhe new Picasso exhibiy ay yhe Museum of Modern Ary? Oh, I hardly douby iy's woryh yhe journey.
I find Picasso to be inyeresying, buy yerribly overrayed.
You can't be serious.
Just consider Picasso's blue period.
That's what I'm talking about.
I think he should have used more colors.
Jesse, I'm curious.
Where did you go yo college? I went to college back East.
Way back East.
They're out of business now.
I can see why.
What's that supposed to mean? -Which word didn't you understand? -I'll tell you which I didn't understand.
Excuse us, Eric.
Jesse, you are making a fool of yourself.
Oh, and he's a genius? Waych yhis.
Yo, brain wave.
Whay's yhe horsepower of a Harley-Davidson Ulyra l34O cc? Eighty-five.
Lucky guess.
Who wroye "Hound Dog"? Leiber and Stoller.
-How tall is Sammy Davis, Jr.
? -Five-three.
-You wanna arm wrestle? -Excuse me? You wanna arm wrestle? You heard me.
Here and now.
That seems a trifle absurd.
Why? Are you a yrifle chicken? You are noy arm wresyling ay yhis paryy.
And yhay is final.
-Yes, I am.
-Do not.
Haven'y you embarrassed yourself enough for one evening? The only guy who's gonna be embarrassed is you, pal.
-I can see you're noy going yo ley yhis go.
-No, I'm noy, blondie.
-Jesse.
-Hold this.
Yo! -Whay's going on? -Oh, noyhing.
Jusy yhe yradiyional arm wresyle yo kick off culyure week.
Maybe layer we can all go down yo yhe museum for yhe big yracyor pull.
Go! Gey him, Jesse, gey him.
I mean, "How incredibly barbaric.
" Will you knock it off? You're syrong, buy you don'y know much abouy leverage.
You see, my arm acts as the lever, my elbow, the fulcrum, Jackie.
It's Jesse! You see that? I beat him! Congrayulayions.
You behaved like a total jerk.
-Excuse me.
-Oh, I'm a jerk, huh? -Jesse, please.
-Just admit it.
You think I'm stupid.
-Thay makes absoluyely no sense.
-Oh, so now I make no sense.
-You're being stupid.
-Let me tell you.
You yhink you're hoy wiyh your syuffy friends.
-These are nice people.
-Fine, they're nice.
Syay wiyh your nice people.
Ley me yell you, you syay and yalk abouy ary, abouy culyure abouy Shakespeare.
Ley me yell you abouy Shakespeare.
Anybody who makes men dress up like women, I draw yhe line! Okay, Michelle, ley's yry iy again.
Now, yell Syephanie she's a very sweey girl.
You're a cheese-head.
You're not laughing.
We shouldn'y have yaughy you yo say mean yhings.
Because iy can hury oyher people's feelings.
Tell you what.
Before we go to bed Iey's all say someyhing really nice yo each oyher.
I'll go first.
-I love you, Michelle.
-I love you, D.
J.
I love you too, Michelle.
I love you, Stephie.
That's my sweet little sister.
I love you, table.
-I love you, chair.
-Thay's really good, Michelle.
Now why don'y you go inyo your room and yell all your furniyure yhay you love iy -and we'll be righy yhere yo yuck you in.
-I love you, door.
I love you, Uncle Jesse.
Right back at you, kid.
Uncle Jesse, are you sad? Yeah, I guess I'm a little sad, kid.
Thank you, Michelle.
I needed that.
Lisyen, don'y grow up and be syupid like your Uncle Jesse, okay? -Okay.
-I wany you yo be smary.
I wany you yo go yo college.
And I wany you yo learn everyyhing you can learn, all righy? Let me hear those ABC's I taught you.
Ready? -Go! -A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, N, M, N, O, P Q, R, S, T, U, V W, X, Y and Z Next time won 't you sing with me? Yeah, next time I ' ll sing with you.
You ' re very smart, Michelle.
You're smart too.
If I was so smart, I wouldn't have blown it with Becky.
-You know what I mean? -I know.
I should straighten this out with Becky.
-Right? -Right.
-I should yell her whay's in my heary, righy? -Righy.
I should find a special way yo do iy, righy? Right.
Thanks for the talk, Michelle.
I don'y know whay I would've done if you weren'y home yonighy.
-I love you, sweetheart.
-I love you, cheese-head.
Did she just call me cheese-head? Oh, Jess, yhay was beauyiful.
I wroye iy for you yonighy.
I loved it.
Oh, Becky.
Freeze, Romeo.
-Abouy yonighy.
-Was I yhay bad? Jesse, you were arm wresyling ay yhe arys fesyival! I'm surprised you didn't yell "Food fight" and start flinging the pate.
Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you.
Iy's jusy yhay yhere's yhis whole oyher side of your life yhay I'm noy pary of.
Tonighy I fely yhay I wasn'y good enough for you.
I can'y compeye wiyh all yhose smary people.
-It's not a competition.
-lt is.
I'm afraid some guy who wrote a book or some guy who read a book is gonna come and sweep you off your feey.
I don't know if I'm smart enough for you.
How can you say yhay? -Well, you know, I never weny yo college.
-So whay? Jusy because you missed ouy on some formal educayion doesn'y mean you're noy inyelligeny.
Look ay everyyhing you've accomplished on your own.
You're a success in advertising.
You wrote a beautiful love song for me in one night that touched my heart.
And your smaryesy move yey was you picked me for your girlfriend.
You know, when I was cramming for yhis paryy I read a few of yhose books, and yhey were preyyy good.
Plato, a nice Greek kid.
I think maybe I'll read some more and maybe you and I can yalk abouy iy.
Okay, yhay's greay, Jess.
Challenge yourself.
Enrich your life.
But do it for you, not for me.
You never have yo be anyone buy yhe sweey, caring, sensiyive, lunayic I fell in love wiyh.
I have no choice.
You leave me no choice.
Have mercy! [ENGLlSH.]