George Lopez (2002) s03e13 Episode Script
Why You Crying?
- Hey, Daddy.
- Hey.
What's that? Oh, it's one of Mom's La Marie headache masks.
- Oh, so that stuff gets rid of headaches? - Yup.
Let's see if it works.
No, the pain is still there.
Well, I got my own headache medicine.
It's also good for arthritis and depression.
Possible side effects: Waking up in a field with your panties on your head.
George, come here.
We just got an e-mail from Max's school.
Wait a minute.
Okay, I'm ready.
It's from his teacher, Mrs.
Reynolds.
She wants to come to the house to discuss Max's behavior.
What do you think he did? Oh, Angie, does it matter? I'm sailing on a cool wave of lavender.
I don't even have any kids.
George, this is serious.
Or a wife.
- Hey, Mom.
ANGIE: Hey.
Guys, you should wait outside.
We need to talk to Max.
Oh, it's okay, guys.
If it's what happened at school, they already know.
It was just ajoke.
Max, what did you do? I stuck a pencil up my nose.
Here.
- Oh! Unh! GEORGE: Max! Ketchup? Oh, yeah.
Sweet.
- You did that in class? - Yeah.
Mrs.
Reynolds freaked out and fell back on a globe.
Did you know two-thirds of the Earth is covered by Mrs.
Reynolds' butt? ANGIE: We do not high-five bad behavior.
We should be high-fiving good deeds.
Like today.
I helped an old man to his car at the grocery store, huh? ANGIE: George.
- I don't get it.
Do you squeeze it from the bottom or do you use the pencil to push it out? Guys, maybe you should wait outside.
I need to talk to your dad.
I don't like what's happening with Max.
He's getting a real mouth on him and now he's starting to act out.
Come on, Angie, he's just being a boy.
When I was his age, I pulled all kinds of stupid pranks.
Heh.
One time, I hid a dead shrimp in the lining of Ernie's jacket.
Heh.
That's not funny.
It's not funny when your friend is running bases in kickball and all the cats are chasing him and everybody in the school is yelling: "Go, Stinky, go"? [LAUGHING.]
That's not funny? I don't know who I married.
Hey, hey, hey, why don't you three go play in the front.
It's my yard.
I can play here if I want.
Okay, okay, here.
Why don't we play a new game? It's called Get the Ball From the Neighbor's Rottweiler.
[DOG BARKING.]
You know, I got a better idea.
Why don't you take your tired ass home! GEORGE: No.
- Max, you all right? - Benny.
GEORGE: Angie, I got it.
Okay.
ANGIE: Come on, honey, let's go inside.
Hey, you don't hit Max.
George, you didn't hear what he said to me.
He told me to take my tired butt home.
He's lucky I didn't have a pool cue.
Look, I'll deal with him later, okay? But you don't hit my son.
Ever.
What's wrong with you? Now that I'm grown you need somebody else to smack around? Please, I never hit you.
What? You used to hit me all the time.
At the Clothes For Less, you pulled me in the dressing room so the cameras wouldn't see.
"Come on, let's go inside.
" "It didn't fit.
" All right, so I smacked you a few times.
- You turned out all right.
- That's your answer? My head is never supposed to be this big.
This is all swelling.
George, you're lucky.
You don't know how many times I wanted to hit you, and I didn't.
You know, I said I'd never hit a woman.
If you get one more hair on that chin and I'm taking you down.
Get out! Angie, I'm so sorry I missed the meeting with Max's teacher but we got caught up with this big fuselage-turbine-adapter thing.
- Right, Ernie? - Uh Yeah.
Basically there was an explosion and a fire, and I was trapped underneath my machine.
And George pulled me out by my feet.
And that's why we're late.
I knew you'd try to get out of this, so I told you the wrong time on purpose.
Max's teacher should be here any minute.
You lied to me? Well, I think I'm too upset to go to the meeting now.
Hey, hey.
Your mother's here.
- She better be coming to apologize to Max.
- Are you kidding? When I was 6, she hit me with the car in the driveway and never apologized.
She ran you over and she didn't say she was sorry? Nope.
She just cracked the window and said, "Why you crying? You know where I park the car.
Walk right, show-off.
" And I was like: [ERNIE LAUGHING.]
Now, I remember that.
There was a big dent in the car with black hair in it.
And she told the whole neighborhood she hit a bear.
Ha, ha, ha.
Are you here to apologize to Max? I came over to find out when my son is gonna stop acting like a baby and let me back in the carpool.
Right now.
My car is in the garage.
Why don't you go start it, Mom, and wait for me.
You know what? Max should be apologizing to me for what he said.
He will, because George and I talked to him.
And we took away TV for a month.
Wow.
A month without the stupid talking sponge.
That's gonna hurt.
You don't hit my kid.
You know, I just gave him a little smack.
It's not like I'm the only one in the world.
Trust me.
Nobody is giving their kid a time-out in China.
Well, actually, children in China are a lot more respectful of their elders so a time-out would probably work.
On the other hand, if they have more than one infant girl they smother them so you got your good and your bad.
Thanks for the beer, George.
Do you have any idea what you did to Max? - Angie, forget it.
You're wasting your time.
ANGIE: No.
You humiliated him in front of his friends.
And worse, you hit him in his identity.
Now, I am pretty sure that's about 2 feet lower.
No.
This.
This is who you are in the world, how you connect to everyone around you.
And when you hit a child here, it's like you're hitting who he is.
I didn't know that.
Look.
You made my identity all sad.
Get out, Mom.
And don't come back till you're ready to apologize.
- Mom, Dad, Max's teacher is here.
- All right.
I'm out of here.
- You're never gonna see me again.
- No, I'll see you.
I'm sure, one day, I'll get a call from the morgue to come by and identify you.
That's her.
[GEORGE SNIFFLES.]
She's cold.
Why don't we wrap her around the keg and start this party.
Mrs.
Reynolds, you remember my husband George? Actually, I don't think I've ever seen you at school before.
I didn't even know you were married, Angie.
Come on.
You don't remember me at all those school plays? Back row, third seat from the aisle.
Maybe this will help.
[SNORING.]
- Did we score? REYNOLDS: Ha, ha, ha.
Now you see where my son gets his sense of humor.
Mrs.
Reynolds, we're really sorry about what Max did with the pencil up his nose.
It won't happen again.
Thank you for that, but there is a bigger problem than the fact that the children now call me Earth Butt.
[GEORGE LAUGHS.]
That's not funny.
It's hurtful.
Max has been acting out to get his classmates' attention.
And I think that he's doing this because he's falling so far behind academically.
Falling behind academically? [GEORGE SPEAKS IN SPANISH.]
We know Max has gotten a few bad grades, but he is still struggling with his dyslexia.
It's not just a couple of bad grades.
I mean, he's turning in blank pages.
He's not even trying.
Right now, Max is at the bottom of my class.
If he slipped so far behind, why did you wait so long to talk to us? I didn't.
I sent home a note.
He brought it back signed.
I never signed a note.
Nor did I.
It's Mrs.
Lopez's signature.
Oh, thank God.
Look what you did.
I don't believe this.
He forged it.
I'm worried that Max's behavior is only going to get worse.
So I think what he needs to do is to sign this schoolwork contract.
It says that he'll do his work, and if he doesn't it spells out the consequences.
- May retain? - Wait, wait.
You might flunk him? No.
Don't think of it that way.
Think of it as a year-long opportunity to review the material.
Yeah, he might flunk.
That's not gonna happen.
We'll work with Max every night if that's what it takes.
- Right.
He's not gonna fail 5th grade.
No one in my family has ever failed the 5th grade.
If this was the 6th grade or the 7th or a sobriety checkpoint, we'd be having a different conversation.
But this is the 5th grade, damn it, where the Lopezes shine.
And if you don't believe me, sabes qué, red hair? I'll take that.
George.
GEORGE: Max, get down here.
Now it makes sense why Max was acting this way, why he mouthed off to Benny.
How did I not see this coming? Maybe I was working too much.
I should've been on top of this.
I'm glad you said that because coming from me, that might have sounded ugly.
Max, what's this? It's a piece of paper with Mom's signature.
Oh, no.
I'm falling behind academically.
Why didn't you show me this note? Cut the crap.
We met with Mrs.
Reynolds.
She said you're behind in all your schoolwork and you're not even trying.
Max, if your grades don't improve, they're gonna hold you back a year.
- So? - You'll lose all your friends.
They'll all move on.
I won't lose my friends.
They think I'm funny.
Well, then you should keep failing because you know what's hilarious? An 80-year-old 5th grader trying to play hide-and-seek.
Look, this is a contract from your teacher.
It says you promise to work hard for the rest of the year, and we want you to sign.
But I don't care about school.
I shouldn't even have to go.
Don't walk away from me.
You are going to sign this contract and then start doing your homework.
- What's the point? It's too hard.
What's the point? Wait - No, no, no.
Let me handle this.
- Okay.
Look.
I know school's hard, but you still have to go.
Everybody does.
- Why? - Because what job are you gonna get if you don't go to school? - I could be a pro skateboarder.
Really? Because I don't see a lot of pro skaters coming into house saying, "Mommy, my elbow, kiss it.
" Okay.
But I could still work in a skate shop.
So you make a couple hundred bucks a month.
A couple hundred bucks? That's awesome.
I mean, I could get a cool car, a big house Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't get a car and a house on your salary.
I mean, you could if you moved in to a bad neighborhood.
- Then I'll live in a bad neighborhood.
- Oh, but they just stole your car.
No way.
- You could run after them.
- Yeah.
I'll get it back.
Oh, man, you just got shot.
Dad, I know what you're doing, but you're not gonna trick me.
I'm never gonna be good at school.
I'm stupid.
Look, you are not stupid.
You have a learning disability.
I know what you're going through.
When I was in school, I remember taking tests and sitting there.
I didn't understand any of it.
And I had to work twice as hard as the other kids just to get by.
Could've dropped out, but didn't.
Because no one in our family had ever graduated from high school, and I wanted to be the first one, and I was.
Gee, so if I work hard and graduate high school I can get some loser job at a factory like you? You know what? I don't care.
All right, do whatever you want.
I give up on you.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
Where's Max? I don't know.
Living his life.
Can't get my son to pay attention in class, but for 39 cents I could send a kid to medical school in Peru.
And they're grateful too, Angie.
They send you a letter every month.
Thanks for the stethoscope and wheat.
So you're still handling this? I tried.
Max can do whatever he wants.
[ANGIE SIGHS.]
So if Max fails, he gets to do whatever he wants? If I fail geometry, can I get my belly button pierced? If you fail geometry, I'll pierce it for you.
Pierce it for me.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
Hey, Max.
Got a minute? People know I'm out here.
Listen, if you hadn't mouthed off, I wouldn't have hit you.
Well, that's the way I was raised, okay? Things were different then.
What we called discipline is now child abuse.
Keeping an eye on your man is now stalking.
Hell.
Back then, no meant yes.
Well, at least it did to me.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, never mind.
You know I guess what I'm trying to say is Well here's a 20.
Are we cool? Yeah, we're cool.
I'm sorry for what I said.
Forget it.
We all say stupid things.
- Hey, Grandma? - Yeah.
Did your dad ever say he gave up on you? Where did that come from? I'm messing up in school and Dad said he's giving up on me.
Wow.
You know, my dad might have beat me like an old blanket but he never gave up on me.
That is cold, dude.
[BENNY SIGHS.]
You know, you might wanna get your crap together.
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV.]
ANGIE: George.
- You gotta see this.
- Yeah, I know.
Sky is pink, orange and red.
It's the most beautiful sunset ever.
I love you too.
I'm watching a hockey fight.
It's Max.
- What now? - Come on.
What are you doing? MAX: My homework.
Yeah? I'm not gonna be held back.
Don't give up on me.
Man.
Look, Max, I'm sorry I said that.
Okay, I was angry.
I'd never give up on you, son.
I believe in you.
I have faith in you.
Now sign this legally-binding contract.
You know, I still hate school, but I'm not gonna let you down.
We're not gonna let you down either.
A family is only as smart as its dumbest child, so let's make that Carmen again.
CARMEN: Hey.
- Quiet, I'm teaching here.
And we're gonna help you out, because if you fail, we fail.
I'm gonna change my schedule.
I'll work with you on Mondays and Tuesdays.
Wednesdays, I could blow off happy hour at Thirsty's and come straight home to help.
You go to happy hour at Thirsty's? If you're gonna use that tone, you're damn right, I don't.
- What are you doing here, Mom? - Oh, relax.
We're a big, happy family again.
Max and I are fine.
She apologized to you? No.
But she gave me 20 reasons to get over it.
- You just paid him off? - Yep.
You can't do that.
You can't just buy family.
All those celebrity lesbians do it.
Okay, if you're paying $20 a hit, you must owe me like $600,000.
Shut your big, fat identity hole.
I accidentally threw out your favorite Raiders jersey.
I'll get another one.
My mom's having her house tended, so she might have to stay with us for a week.
I'll buy more beer.
Remember we went to the lake, it rained the whole weekend and we stayed in the room? Yeah.
I lost that video we made.
What? Time for a new mask, baby.
[BOTH SIGH.]
- Hey.
What's that? Oh, it's one of Mom's La Marie headache masks.
- Oh, so that stuff gets rid of headaches? - Yup.
Let's see if it works.
No, the pain is still there.
Well, I got my own headache medicine.
It's also good for arthritis and depression.
Possible side effects: Waking up in a field with your panties on your head.
George, come here.
We just got an e-mail from Max's school.
Wait a minute.
Okay, I'm ready.
It's from his teacher, Mrs.
Reynolds.
She wants to come to the house to discuss Max's behavior.
What do you think he did? Oh, Angie, does it matter? I'm sailing on a cool wave of lavender.
I don't even have any kids.
George, this is serious.
Or a wife.
- Hey, Mom.
ANGIE: Hey.
Guys, you should wait outside.
We need to talk to Max.
Oh, it's okay, guys.
If it's what happened at school, they already know.
It was just ajoke.
Max, what did you do? I stuck a pencil up my nose.
Here.
- Oh! Unh! GEORGE: Max! Ketchup? Oh, yeah.
Sweet.
- You did that in class? - Yeah.
Mrs.
Reynolds freaked out and fell back on a globe.
Did you know two-thirds of the Earth is covered by Mrs.
Reynolds' butt? ANGIE: We do not high-five bad behavior.
We should be high-fiving good deeds.
Like today.
I helped an old man to his car at the grocery store, huh? ANGIE: George.
- I don't get it.
Do you squeeze it from the bottom or do you use the pencil to push it out? Guys, maybe you should wait outside.
I need to talk to your dad.
I don't like what's happening with Max.
He's getting a real mouth on him and now he's starting to act out.
Come on, Angie, he's just being a boy.
When I was his age, I pulled all kinds of stupid pranks.
Heh.
One time, I hid a dead shrimp in the lining of Ernie's jacket.
Heh.
That's not funny.
It's not funny when your friend is running bases in kickball and all the cats are chasing him and everybody in the school is yelling: "Go, Stinky, go"? [LAUGHING.]
That's not funny? I don't know who I married.
Hey, hey, hey, why don't you three go play in the front.
It's my yard.
I can play here if I want.
Okay, okay, here.
Why don't we play a new game? It's called Get the Ball From the Neighbor's Rottweiler.
[DOG BARKING.]
You know, I got a better idea.
Why don't you take your tired ass home! GEORGE: No.
- Max, you all right? - Benny.
GEORGE: Angie, I got it.
Okay.
ANGIE: Come on, honey, let's go inside.
Hey, you don't hit Max.
George, you didn't hear what he said to me.
He told me to take my tired butt home.
He's lucky I didn't have a pool cue.
Look, I'll deal with him later, okay? But you don't hit my son.
Ever.
What's wrong with you? Now that I'm grown you need somebody else to smack around? Please, I never hit you.
What? You used to hit me all the time.
At the Clothes For Less, you pulled me in the dressing room so the cameras wouldn't see.
"Come on, let's go inside.
" "It didn't fit.
" All right, so I smacked you a few times.
- You turned out all right.
- That's your answer? My head is never supposed to be this big.
This is all swelling.
George, you're lucky.
You don't know how many times I wanted to hit you, and I didn't.
You know, I said I'd never hit a woman.
If you get one more hair on that chin and I'm taking you down.
Get out! Angie, I'm so sorry I missed the meeting with Max's teacher but we got caught up with this big fuselage-turbine-adapter thing.
- Right, Ernie? - Uh Yeah.
Basically there was an explosion and a fire, and I was trapped underneath my machine.
And George pulled me out by my feet.
And that's why we're late.
I knew you'd try to get out of this, so I told you the wrong time on purpose.
Max's teacher should be here any minute.
You lied to me? Well, I think I'm too upset to go to the meeting now.
Hey, hey.
Your mother's here.
- She better be coming to apologize to Max.
- Are you kidding? When I was 6, she hit me with the car in the driveway and never apologized.
She ran you over and she didn't say she was sorry? Nope.
She just cracked the window and said, "Why you crying? You know where I park the car.
Walk right, show-off.
" And I was like: [ERNIE LAUGHING.]
Now, I remember that.
There was a big dent in the car with black hair in it.
And she told the whole neighborhood she hit a bear.
Ha, ha, ha.
Are you here to apologize to Max? I came over to find out when my son is gonna stop acting like a baby and let me back in the carpool.
Right now.
My car is in the garage.
Why don't you go start it, Mom, and wait for me.
You know what? Max should be apologizing to me for what he said.
He will, because George and I talked to him.
And we took away TV for a month.
Wow.
A month without the stupid talking sponge.
That's gonna hurt.
You don't hit my kid.
You know, I just gave him a little smack.
It's not like I'm the only one in the world.
Trust me.
Nobody is giving their kid a time-out in China.
Well, actually, children in China are a lot more respectful of their elders so a time-out would probably work.
On the other hand, if they have more than one infant girl they smother them so you got your good and your bad.
Thanks for the beer, George.
Do you have any idea what you did to Max? - Angie, forget it.
You're wasting your time.
ANGIE: No.
You humiliated him in front of his friends.
And worse, you hit him in his identity.
Now, I am pretty sure that's about 2 feet lower.
No.
This.
This is who you are in the world, how you connect to everyone around you.
And when you hit a child here, it's like you're hitting who he is.
I didn't know that.
Look.
You made my identity all sad.
Get out, Mom.
And don't come back till you're ready to apologize.
- Mom, Dad, Max's teacher is here.
- All right.
I'm out of here.
- You're never gonna see me again.
- No, I'll see you.
I'm sure, one day, I'll get a call from the morgue to come by and identify you.
That's her.
[GEORGE SNIFFLES.]
She's cold.
Why don't we wrap her around the keg and start this party.
Mrs.
Reynolds, you remember my husband George? Actually, I don't think I've ever seen you at school before.
I didn't even know you were married, Angie.
Come on.
You don't remember me at all those school plays? Back row, third seat from the aisle.
Maybe this will help.
[SNORING.]
- Did we score? REYNOLDS: Ha, ha, ha.
Now you see where my son gets his sense of humor.
Mrs.
Reynolds, we're really sorry about what Max did with the pencil up his nose.
It won't happen again.
Thank you for that, but there is a bigger problem than the fact that the children now call me Earth Butt.
[GEORGE LAUGHS.]
That's not funny.
It's hurtful.
Max has been acting out to get his classmates' attention.
And I think that he's doing this because he's falling so far behind academically.
Falling behind academically? [GEORGE SPEAKS IN SPANISH.]
We know Max has gotten a few bad grades, but he is still struggling with his dyslexia.
It's not just a couple of bad grades.
I mean, he's turning in blank pages.
He's not even trying.
Right now, Max is at the bottom of my class.
If he slipped so far behind, why did you wait so long to talk to us? I didn't.
I sent home a note.
He brought it back signed.
I never signed a note.
Nor did I.
It's Mrs.
Lopez's signature.
Oh, thank God.
Look what you did.
I don't believe this.
He forged it.
I'm worried that Max's behavior is only going to get worse.
So I think what he needs to do is to sign this schoolwork contract.
It says that he'll do his work, and if he doesn't it spells out the consequences.
- May retain? - Wait, wait.
You might flunk him? No.
Don't think of it that way.
Think of it as a year-long opportunity to review the material.
Yeah, he might flunk.
That's not gonna happen.
We'll work with Max every night if that's what it takes.
- Right.
He's not gonna fail 5th grade.
No one in my family has ever failed the 5th grade.
If this was the 6th grade or the 7th or a sobriety checkpoint, we'd be having a different conversation.
But this is the 5th grade, damn it, where the Lopezes shine.
And if you don't believe me, sabes qué, red hair? I'll take that.
George.
GEORGE: Max, get down here.
Now it makes sense why Max was acting this way, why he mouthed off to Benny.
How did I not see this coming? Maybe I was working too much.
I should've been on top of this.
I'm glad you said that because coming from me, that might have sounded ugly.
Max, what's this? It's a piece of paper with Mom's signature.
Oh, no.
I'm falling behind academically.
Why didn't you show me this note? Cut the crap.
We met with Mrs.
Reynolds.
She said you're behind in all your schoolwork and you're not even trying.
Max, if your grades don't improve, they're gonna hold you back a year.
- So? - You'll lose all your friends.
They'll all move on.
I won't lose my friends.
They think I'm funny.
Well, then you should keep failing because you know what's hilarious? An 80-year-old 5th grader trying to play hide-and-seek.
Look, this is a contract from your teacher.
It says you promise to work hard for the rest of the year, and we want you to sign.
But I don't care about school.
I shouldn't even have to go.
Don't walk away from me.
You are going to sign this contract and then start doing your homework.
- What's the point? It's too hard.
What's the point? Wait - No, no, no.
Let me handle this.
- Okay.
Look.
I know school's hard, but you still have to go.
Everybody does.
- Why? - Because what job are you gonna get if you don't go to school? - I could be a pro skateboarder.
Really? Because I don't see a lot of pro skaters coming into house saying, "Mommy, my elbow, kiss it.
" Okay.
But I could still work in a skate shop.
So you make a couple hundred bucks a month.
A couple hundred bucks? That's awesome.
I mean, I could get a cool car, a big house Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't get a car and a house on your salary.
I mean, you could if you moved in to a bad neighborhood.
- Then I'll live in a bad neighborhood.
- Oh, but they just stole your car.
No way.
- You could run after them.
- Yeah.
I'll get it back.
Oh, man, you just got shot.
Dad, I know what you're doing, but you're not gonna trick me.
I'm never gonna be good at school.
I'm stupid.
Look, you are not stupid.
You have a learning disability.
I know what you're going through.
When I was in school, I remember taking tests and sitting there.
I didn't understand any of it.
And I had to work twice as hard as the other kids just to get by.
Could've dropped out, but didn't.
Because no one in our family had ever graduated from high school, and I wanted to be the first one, and I was.
Gee, so if I work hard and graduate high school I can get some loser job at a factory like you? You know what? I don't care.
All right, do whatever you want.
I give up on you.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
Where's Max? I don't know.
Living his life.
Can't get my son to pay attention in class, but for 39 cents I could send a kid to medical school in Peru.
And they're grateful too, Angie.
They send you a letter every month.
Thanks for the stethoscope and wheat.
So you're still handling this? I tried.
Max can do whatever he wants.
[ANGIE SIGHS.]
So if Max fails, he gets to do whatever he wants? If I fail geometry, can I get my belly button pierced? If you fail geometry, I'll pierce it for you.
Pierce it for me.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
Hey, Max.
Got a minute? People know I'm out here.
Listen, if you hadn't mouthed off, I wouldn't have hit you.
Well, that's the way I was raised, okay? Things were different then.
What we called discipline is now child abuse.
Keeping an eye on your man is now stalking.
Hell.
Back then, no meant yes.
Well, at least it did to me.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, never mind.
You know I guess what I'm trying to say is Well here's a 20.
Are we cool? Yeah, we're cool.
I'm sorry for what I said.
Forget it.
We all say stupid things.
- Hey, Grandma? - Yeah.
Did your dad ever say he gave up on you? Where did that come from? I'm messing up in school and Dad said he's giving up on me.
Wow.
You know, my dad might have beat me like an old blanket but he never gave up on me.
That is cold, dude.
[BENNY SIGHS.]
You know, you might wanna get your crap together.
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV.]
ANGIE: George.
- You gotta see this.
- Yeah, I know.
Sky is pink, orange and red.
It's the most beautiful sunset ever.
I love you too.
I'm watching a hockey fight.
It's Max.
- What now? - Come on.
What are you doing? MAX: My homework.
Yeah? I'm not gonna be held back.
Don't give up on me.
Man.
Look, Max, I'm sorry I said that.
Okay, I was angry.
I'd never give up on you, son.
I believe in you.
I have faith in you.
Now sign this legally-binding contract.
You know, I still hate school, but I'm not gonna let you down.
We're not gonna let you down either.
A family is only as smart as its dumbest child, so let's make that Carmen again.
CARMEN: Hey.
- Quiet, I'm teaching here.
And we're gonna help you out, because if you fail, we fail.
I'm gonna change my schedule.
I'll work with you on Mondays and Tuesdays.
Wednesdays, I could blow off happy hour at Thirsty's and come straight home to help.
You go to happy hour at Thirsty's? If you're gonna use that tone, you're damn right, I don't.
- What are you doing here, Mom? - Oh, relax.
We're a big, happy family again.
Max and I are fine.
She apologized to you? No.
But she gave me 20 reasons to get over it.
- You just paid him off? - Yep.
You can't do that.
You can't just buy family.
All those celebrity lesbians do it.
Okay, if you're paying $20 a hit, you must owe me like $600,000.
Shut your big, fat identity hole.
I accidentally threw out your favorite Raiders jersey.
I'll get another one.
My mom's having her house tended, so she might have to stay with us for a week.
I'll buy more beer.
Remember we went to the lake, it rained the whole weekend and we stayed in the room? Yeah.
I lost that video we made.
What? Time for a new mask, baby.
[BOTH SIGH.]