Grace and Frankie (2015) s03e13 Episode Script

1 [Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing.]
Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you Ooh, ooh Ugh.
Blah.
Agh.
- Good morning.
- [sighs.]
Not really.
Oh, I'm glad to see you're doing that.
I'm not.
I'm gonna scramble some eggs.
You want some? If you mean smashing my pills into them and feeding it to me like a dog - yeah, sure.
- [beeping.]
[sighs.]
Do you want some help with that? I think you've helped enough.
Frankie, I'm sorry I upset you last night.
I mean, I stand by what I said, but it certainly could have come out better.
Jacob said you'd say that, so now I owe him a scalp massage.
But the joke's on him.
I enjoy doing it.
Oh! Help, please.
God, you've got beautiful skin.
Thank you.
You've got to keep your arm in this position so you can get a good reading.
- Jacob says I should listen to you.
- He did? He also said that I should let you help me with things like this that you're good at.
- I don't know if I'm good at it, but - [machine beeps.]
Oh, 132-over-84.
- That's not bad.
- Eighty-four is a good year.
You know, Purple Rain.
- [Frankie sighs.]
- Okay.
Wait, what is that? What's happening? What? You know I like tots with my eggs.
Look, at the risk of upsetting you again, do you have any idea how much sodium there is in all that? I'm guessing a delicious amount.
I'm taking the pills, I'm using the cuff.
Don't take away my food friends.
I'm just suggesting a few dietary changes could reduce your risk of having another stroke by 80 percent.
Did you read those pamphlets? - Yes.
- You did? Or Jacob read them.
You decide what's true.
So Jacob said I'm good at health management, huh? - He did.
- And you agree? - Don't get cocky.
- Because if that's the case, I'm gonna send you a terrific article from the New England Journal of Medicine about what to do in the 90 days following a stroke.
I want you to read it out loud to yourself.
Fine.
I will read it with a British accent.
Knock yourself out.
Oh, this is going to be delicious.
You know, instead of using salt, I put in cumin.
To think I got my taste back for this.
[knock on door.]
I got it.
[microwave beeps.]
Can I help you? Oh, hello.
Yes.
Thank you.
It's from Omni Tech.
What is it? Cease-and-desist.
Oh, my God.
They're suing us! That guy, he has a set of grapes on him.
Not for long.
Let's get down to business.
We now know that Frank Erstengeist, active homophobe agitator, is also the owner of Frank's Bakery on Aurora Avenue.
Oh, my God.
Those are my favorite bagels.
The everything really has everything.
I know, Peter, but it turns out the secret ingredient is hate.
That's good.
That's sign good.
- How about "Keep bigots out of bagels"? - That's strong.
Now, I did some stakeout work yesterday Wow, you sure did.
- You really are retired.
- Mmm.
How did you get so close? Full disclosure, I went in for the bagel brunch.
Yes, before you ask, I was heavily disguised.
But it was worth it.
I know how we're going to do this protest.
Sol, if I may.
Protests are well and good.
But what do you say to the long con? Explain.
Well, this Frank fellow doesn't know me, right? So I'll go in and inquire about a job.
I'm over-qualified and an empirical charmer, so I'll get it.
I'll work the counter for a few months, earning his trust, establishing relationships with the customers, inside jokes with the waitresses, the whole bit.
I get close to Frank maybe too close.
Maybe we even share a furtive kiss when I'm closing down one night.
You know, these raging homophobes are often closeted gays themselves.
We never talk about it.
We share a secret now.
Every day we see each other, both knowing, both silent.
And then, when the moment is just right - I pee in the bagel dough.
- God damn it, Steve! Why is that always your go-to? So, it's a no? Well, when has anything you've ever said been a "yes"? I was thinking we could get everyone together, make some signs, and chain ourselves to the entrance so no one can get in and so the fuzz can't move us.
- Oh, I like that.
- Yeah, whatever.
Oh, excuse me, honey? Could I talk to you for a minute, please? Of course.
[all.]
Ooh Someone is in trouble.
Are you kidding me? You can't sue us! It was our idea! Grace, you said you were gonna sue me, but I never heard from you.
What's a guy got to do to get your attention? You're suing me so you can see me? I'm being proactive, one of the things you like about me.
[scoffs.]
There is nothing I like about you.
- Oh, come on, it's cute.
I'm a scamp.
- Oh, stop.
This is not a game to me.
We built Vybrant from nothing in our 70s.
And it was just starting to take off.
And not filling orders is not good for business.
And if you think that I'm going down without a fight, you're not as smart as you look.
- You think I look smart? - What is wrong with you? [huffs.]
[sighs.]
[chuckles.]
But you realize if you get caught breaking the law, you could be disbarred.
What do I care? I'm retired.
- Well, I care very much.
- About that? But you don't care about this jackass? That's the point.
He's a jackass! He's not worth it! That homophobe burst into your show and tried to ruin your opening night! Oh, now you've got to go bursting into his bagelry to Damn right we do! To give him a taste of his own medicine, to show him what it feels like, to not just roll over and take it! Oh, good God! Have you lost your mind? Now you sound like John Adams.
It's amazing to me that you can play a revolutionary on stage so well, but in real life, you're just another guy who looks the other way.
No, I'm not.
I did pro Bono work for Lambda.
I avoid Chick-fil-A and those delicious honey-butter biscuit sandwiches.
I even got a plaque for my many contributions to marriage equality.
You wouldn't even hang it up in here.
Well, it didn't go with our decor! Robert, all those years we were scared to come out, other people weren't just out, they were out fighting.
Fighting for these rings on our fingers.
But we're on the other side of that now.
Not if a bunch of gay men and women can't put on a play without being harassed.
We need to do something.
I just don't think we should be making ourselves targets.
We already are.
Did you know that nutrition labels list ingredients in order of which ingredient is in the food the most? - Yes.
- Oh, I always thought it was in order of appearance, like on Murder, She Wrote.
What is all that noise? Are you making rain sticks again? No.
I'm throwing away all my junk food.
It all has to go: the tots, fluffs, puffs pepper.
Why are you throwing out the pepper? It's a known associate of salt, which is almost as bad as sugar.
Well, sugar in some moderation is not No! Sugar turns into saturated fats, Brianna! Read the literature.
Mom? Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I don't mean to yell.
How are you? How's Baltimore? Uh Annoyingly quaint, overly friendly, a center of crime, and reeking of Old Bay Seasoning.
And Barry? Well, he's technically still seeing someone else.
But I'm trying to get him to drop all of his stupid scruples and just sleep with me.
So a work-in-progress? Yeah.
But I swear, I will come back this second if you need me to.
No, no, no.
I'm good.
Come back when you've worked things out.
I mean, I don't know, it might be a while.
He has a lot of scruples.
[chuckles.]
- Miss you.
- Miss you, too.
Bye-bye.
Mwah.
I'm throwing it all away.
Wow, look at you go.
Even your tub o' pretzels.
I started reading labels and do you know what's in every processed food? Death.
That's the spirit.
That article you emailed sent me down a heart-healthy wormhole.
Did you know there is still plaque in our arteries from food we ate as children? The hamburgers I slammed when I was five are still in me.
Well, that's as interesting as it is disturbing.
I know.
And you'll be happy to hear I talked to Jacob about Santa Fe and we're gonna take the train.
You are? That way I'll be able to walk the aisles.
Oh, no, who am I kidding, I'll be in the dining car most of the time.
But I tend to hang out at the snack counter, so I'll be standing.
No clots.
- You're going? - Just to help Jacob get settled.
And that way it'll give me a chance to see if I like it.
So moving there is still a possibility? Why wouldn't it be? Well, I don't know, maybe this isn't, you know, a very good time.
Because? Because, moving and uprooting your whole life right now, after what's just happened? Could be really good for me? Frankie, if something were to happen, you'd be all alone.
Don't you want to be with people who love you? I'll have Jacob.
But what about Coyote, and Bud, and Sol, and me, and Eleanor from Trader Joe's Eleanor doesn't work there anymore.
I don't know where she went.
Well, Frankie, you've already had two strokes and the odds are high you're going to have another one.
Think about it.
You know, I thought you'd be happy for me, but you just keep bringing me down.
[sighs.]
[knock on door.]
What the hell are you doing here? - Can I come in? - No! Thanks.
I brought Kooky some nuts.
Well, Kooky had a mini stroke and she's not allowed to eat nuts.
I'm sorry.
Is she okay? - Yes.
I'd like you to leave.
- You just invited me in.
Would you stop playing games with me? Things are hard enough right now.
I can't even work because of your cease-and-desist.
I just wanted to see you.
Look, Grace, my original offer still stands.
Have dinner with me.
One little dinner.
I'll drop our vibrator, nobody sues anybody, and we all go on with our lives.
And what do you expect to get out of this dinner that will never happen? Nothing untoward.
I want us to get to know each other.
Come on one dinner.
That's all I'd have to do and you'd drop everything? Stay out of my business? My life? Yes.
- I'll give you one lunch.
- Early dinner.
Late lunch.
- Done.
In New York.
- San Diego.
- Fine.
We'll still take my plane.
- No plane.
No helicopter, no boat, I will drive myself.
I'll pick you up.
I have to pay my driver anyway.
- Fine.
- Three-course meal.
Two courses.
Cold appetizer, hot entree, no dessert.
Hot appetizer, hot entree, cheese plate.
Not really a dessert.
Fine.
Door-to-door, two hours.
Deal.
Deal.
Why are we doing this? Because I can't get you out of my head.
Then you should get a new head.
I would, but I have great hair.
I mean, do you spend every moment worrying about your health? Is it something everyone else does that I should have been doing? - I don't think everybody - Because it's exhausting.
Or maybe I have Epstein-Barr now, too.
My brother-in-law is a heart surgeon.
I know it's not exactly the right specialist, but he said he'd be happy to talk to you about your health worries anytime.
I wouldn't know where to begin.
I've got so much going on in my head right now.
Did you know when you have two strokes, the third is statistically inevitable? I thought you broke up with Dr.
Oz.
I'm referencing another medical expert.
An impossibly thin one.
Ah.
- It's Grace.
- Yeah, I got it.
But maybe you should talk to a real expert.
Santa Fe has got some first-class hospitals, and there's a really impressive neurology institute in Phoenix.
In Phoenix? So when I have my inevitable third stroke and my kids have to drop everything to come to Santa Fe, I'm already dead in Phoenix? [sighs.]
And they never got a chance to say goodbye.
I think we tell them to go straight to Phoenix.
Why are we talking about dying? Because Grace sent me an article that said when I have the third stroke, there's a 50 percent chance it will be fatal.
We've got to get you out of here.
- Oh, God.
- Find you new things to get excited about.
Santa Fe has a renowned velvet painting museum.
God, I love velvet paintings.
But all that time standing on my feet.
Fine, then we'll just sit and watch the sunset.
Sitting's a problem, now, too.
Frankie, you're not always gonna feel this way.
I can't go to Santa Fe.
Maybe this isn't the best time to talk about it.
Why don't you take some time and let all this settle in.
- I'll wait.
- I don't want you to wait for me, - 'cause I don't know when I'll be ready.
- It doesn't matter.
It - There's no rush.
- It does matter.
I don't think I can deal with the stress of picking up my entire life and moving to a place where I don't know anyone.
I'm too old and too tired now.
I need to be here.
If something happens, I need to be here.
Frankie Jacob, I love you.
I love you, too.
I know.
But I just can't do it.
[sniffles.]
I'm so, so sorry.
You going? Yeah.
[stammers.]
Is everything okay? Not really.
She's not coming with me.
What? She said that? Yeah.
[sighs.]
Jacob, I know it's disappointing, but this isn't the right time to take a trip She meant ever.
Oh.
Oh.
You sent her all that stuff and it scared the shit out of her.
Well, that wasn't my intention.
It doesn't matter what you intended, it's what you did.
I just wanted her to get better.
I didn't tell her to not ever go.
[stammers.]
You can't blame this on me.
Sure I can.
[chanting.]
The best bagels in town are baked by a bigot! I wish we'd spent five more minutes working on our chant.
It features strong alliteration and ends in "bigot.
" It's perfect.
Does it feel like we're complimenting his bagels, though? I mean, it's confusing.
Hey, ladies.
Where'd you buy your chains? Homo Depot? You've lost over 40 customers so far, including a very hungry-looking women's rugby team.
Who cares? I make most of my money during breakfast, so this protest of yours is about as well-timed and well-choreographed as your show.
Well, you really can't speak to the dancing in our show because you entered during a book scene! And for the record, our choreographer has won six Tappy's, which are the greater San Diego area's community theater awards, sponsored by Dress Barn.
[scoffs.]
Dress Barn? - What, do you all take turns - What? Playing dress-up? Is that the best you've got? Because every playground bully in America called, - they want their pathetic insults back.
- Yeah! The cops are on their way and you're all going to jail, because they love my bagels.
Not for long they don't.
The best bagels in town are baked by a bigot! [chanting.]
The best bagels in town are baked by a bigot! Now this was a tough one.
It's a replica of The Pequod, but I call it The Mariah Carey because it was top heavy and impossible.
It's great, Dad.
Mack will love it.
I'm just thrilled to have another model-ship enthusiast in the family! You know, I always had hopes for you or Brianna, but you had your dolls and she had that bizarre dance club she built for spiders.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Yeah, just thinking about how I'll never be able to teach Macklin how to do this.
Well, have Mitch come by, I'll show him.
Yeah.
Well, he's not around much, so Well, believe me, it's not as hard as it looks.
See? You don't lift the mast until the very end.
You pull it with the little strings and the hinges.
That's the secret.
But if you want to build the whole shebang inside the bottle, - you need these - Mitch and I are separating.
Tweezers.
Oh, my God.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
Me, too.
You once said you thought he was having an affair.
Was he? No.
No affairs.
How can he walk away from a wife and four children? What kind of a man walks away from his family? Actually, it was me.
I asked him for the separation.
- Really? - Really.
Dad, I was so unhappy.
You're not just protecting him? I swear.
- It was me.
- All right.
I have to ask Are you sure you want to do this? It's not gonna be easy.
I know, but I already feel lighter.
Like I can breathe again.
I know that feeling.
I'm sure you do.
You know, seeing you so happy is what helped me get here.
I've been thinking about you a lot these last few weeks and how hard it must have been for you to come out.
Well, it took me long enough.
No, but you did it.
You knew everyone would flip their shit, but you put yourself out there and you did what you had to do.
And that's the kind of parent that I want to be for my kids.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Well, I assume you want me to represent you.
Maybe Sol? - Mmm, yeah.
- Yeah.
- That makes more sense.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, I'm here.
I'm glad.
I wasn't sure you'd come.
Well, I have to be sure this happens.
- Sign.
- You don't waste any time.
Why would I? It's the only reason I came.
Thank you.
Now we can date.
I originally come from Connecticut.
I have two siblings.
I'm a Scorpio.
Now you go.
- I like booze.
- Oh.
No, no.
We did not negotiate pre-late lunch drinks.
You're right.
I'll just have to pour out this extremely dry martini with olives flown in this morning all the way from Spain.
[stammers.]
No.
That would be disrespectful to Spaniards everywhere.
How do you know what I drink? Because I did a little research on you.
That's terrifying.
- I got the lowdown on Say Grace.
- Oh, did you? Solid growth ten quarters in a row, despite the beauty market's volatility.
Well, it's 11 quarters, but who's counting? We are.
It's so us.
- There's no us.
- Not yet.
Oh, come on, you're not really interested in me.
It's absurd.
Why? I've been into you since the first second I saw you in my conference room.
You're ballsy, beautiful, and don't suffer fools.
I'm suffering right now.
See there? I love that.
What do you want from me? I just want you to give me a shot.
Oh, come I could be your moth Older I could be your older sister.
Why is it so hard for you to believe I like you? That I might even want to have a relationship with you? Guys like you don't know the first thing about relationships.
- You don't know what I know.
- Well, I know what I know.
If you're an expert, explain them to me.
Oh, God, no.
I am a nightmare when it comes to relationships.
Yeah, well, I read that in the research.
Where are we going? There's no restaurants out here.
We never said "restaurant," we said "food.
" I'm meeting all the criteria of our negotiation.
We're having a little picnic in a beautiful spot on top of that mountain.
- We said no helicopter.
- And I am a man of my word.
Wow! That's Wow.
What do you think? I think I have a friend who would say this is a sign.
For us? - For her.
- I'm lost.
May I ask you a strange favor? My favorite kind.
- Can I borrow this? - The whole thing? Mm-hmm.
- Now? - Well ish.
You still owe me an hour 47 minutes.
I'm good for it.
How about we round it up to an even two hours? Fine.
- Deal? - Done.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Chuck.
My pleasure, Sol.
So you actually own all the kayaks you rent out? Yeah, the whole fleet! The sunset on the water will blow your mind.
- I'd love to see it sometime.
- Boom, check it out.
Huh? - Wow.
- Yeah.
You're really passionate about San Diego tourism.
We're so blessed to live in such a beautiful city.
- We really are.
- Jesus Christ, Sol.
- All right, let's move them out of here.
- [Robert.]
Wait! Not without me.
Robert, what are you doing here? I couldn't let you do it alone, Sol.
Or you, Peter.
Or Paul.
Or even you, Steve.
I was wrong, Sol.
This is the right thing to do.
I want to be the kind of man who does the right thing.
I'm so proud of you.
Your mother, however, is rolling in her grave right now.
Good.
So, officer, if you're taking these men in, you'll just have to take me in with them.
Yeah, you're not under arrest.
Well, couldn't I just go in the paddy wagon with them? It doesn't work that way.
This is not one of San Diego's many convenient shuttles.
I'm really trying to have a moral victory here.
I feel like you're sandbagging me.
I would love to help a fellow San Diegan, but I can't arrest you with no cause.
You have cause.
I'm protesting! Uh technically, you're not.
Very well then.
I can rouse rabble with the best of them.
Give me a minute.
Uh, may I? Thank you.
[crowd cheering.]
[Sol.]
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - Climb aboard.
- Thank you.
Come on in here! Let's get out of here.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, I can't go anywhere.
It's time to do my blood pressure.
No, put down the cuff, put on your moccasins, and come with me.
- Grace - No, stop talking.
This is important.
Come on.
Are you going to push me off a cliff? - Because that would be funny only to you.
- Nope.
Are you sure? Because there's a little voice inside me saying, "Run! Before it's too late!" Ready? Open.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Yeah, you like it? Of course I like it! I love balloons! I know.
That's why I got it for you.
You got this for me? Well, I re-gifted it.
Come on, let's go.
Oh no, I can't go in the thing.
Frankie, if I'm going, you're going.
Oh, you can't go.
You hate balloons.
Yeah, I hate balloons, I hate baskets, I hate fields, I hate pulling you.
God, why are you so strong? I'm not strong, I'm weak and falling apart.
Frankie, get in the basket.
You told me I can't go to Santa Fe, how could I go up in a balloon? I was wrong.
Okay? And I feel terrible.
I should not have put my fear on you.
What are you so afraid of? [exhales.]
Um Waking up and not seeing your hats in the dishwasher.
Not hearing you singing in your studio.
You know, "Kris Kross will make you jump jump.
" Never again cringing at your borderline-offensive Jamaican accent.
And [clears throat.]
Why do you think this decision is so hard for me? I would miss your love of color-coding spices, how you try so hard to be funny.
And the way you can always find my purse.
I know.
I'm scared of losing you, too.
But you're not losing me.
I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, Frankie.
That's my fault.
You can't not go with Jacob because of me.
You love somebody who loves you.
I don't want you missing out on all that.
You know, get in the hot air balloon and go to Santa Fe and do anything you want.
I want to eat salt.
Well, not that.
[laughs.]
[in Jamaican accent.]
Get in the balloon, Mon.
Let's do it.
No fear.
No fear.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Hi.
[air hissing.]
- [Grace.]
Fear Oh, such fear.
- [Frankie.]
Oh, God! Oh, God! [laughing.]
- Oh, God! - Whoo! - Whoo! Here we go! - Whoo! Whoo! Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
Oh, this is amazing.
So is Jacob.
Yeah.
You should go.
Yeah.
Let's just see where the balloon takes us.
[Eva Cassidy's "Who Knows Where the Time Goes" playing.]
I have no thought of time For who knows Where the time goes? Who knows Where the time Goes [woman.]
Okay, good night.