Happy Endings s03e13 Episode Script

This is a great engagement party, but I get the P-shaped sandwiches for Penny and Pete, but what is with the lowercase B's? Uh uh, yeah.
Anyways, I can't believe that Penny is late for her own engagement party.
I can't believe Penny sent out a "save a date" card and asked us to hold every month but February.
I can't believe anyone voluntarily decided to marry Penny.
I mean she's a disaster of a human woman.
Am I right? Okay, you guys are all consistently misleading me with fake pile-ons.
Hi! I am so sorry I'm late.
I got super caught up doing wedding stuff.
Hello, Steve-who-couldn't-commit- to-a-serious-relationship.
Check out this rock.
And, no, ya can't smoke it.
I never asked-- how was rehab? So you're here now.
Let's get started on the presents.
Oh! Ooh, Penny, let me go first.
Let me go first.
I got you Oh! A blender.
Nay, a blendaddy.
Weird.
This thing whisks.
This thing grinds.
This thing mixes.
Throw a lobster in here, make a bisque.
Frappe up your milk for a 'puccino.
Max, are you selling those? Actually, we're all selling these.
We each have to push 15 units and then give me the money, or I am in a very bad way with some very bad people.
Greek Orthodox.
Thank you for that.
- And this is from me.
- Aw! Hey-o! - Aah! - I'm gonna be your wedding planner.
I'm gonna be your wedding planner.
I'm gonna be your wedding planner.
I love it.
Thank you.
Why work with an impersonal professional wedding planner? You need someone who knows you, who loves you, and would rather burn your wedding to the ground than see anyone else plan it.
You did have the best wedding I've ever been to.
Hello! Standing right here! I think our wedding was, uh, pretty spectacular.
Yeah.
The only thing missing was a bride who stayed for the duration of the ceremony.
Hey-o! - Ooh! - Ooh! - Come on.
- What? He's got the hot hand.
I am so excited to get started.
You are gonna have the best wedding ever.
Pete, are you excited? - Pete? - Peter? - Pete-est? - Baby? Oh, crap! Damn it! I forgot to invite Pete! What?! What am I gonna do?! So this is all Surprise engagement party! What?! No! What?! What?! What?! No! Oh, my God! No.
- Mmm.
- Are you sure we're not super late? It looks like this party has been going on for a while.
No.
No, these are not deflated balloons.
They are just simply floating at half-mast in honor of all your fallen former lovers.
Hmm.
And behold! This beautiful sleeping nymph symbolizes our love.
Wake up, you tiny whore.
- Huh? - She really is small and tuckered out from all her whoring.
Yet she has a heart of gold.
So - So - Hmm.
What more can be said but "so"? - What a party, huh? - Penny, what's going on? - You are not even gonna believe-- - Tell the truth.
- My computer totally crashed-- - Not a half-truth.
- It's sort of a funny story-- - Or a quarter-truth.
All right.
Look, I-I've been super busy since we got engaged, and I forgot to put your e-mail on the invite list.
I made it a Peteless post.
Penny - Penny? - I'm sorry.
From here and out we will make every single decision together.
Except for the location and the band, which I already booked.
Chicago and Chicago! They owe me.
I saved the drummer from choking on a hushpuppy once at the state fair.
Took him a while to recover, but he's feelin' stronger every day.
Hey-o! Hot hand transfer alert! - I'll take it.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- So are we good? The thing is, I always wanted to, uh elope.
- What? - No! Uh, what? I'm-- I'm cool with that.
I mean, it's a little unorthodox.
But if you wanna serve antelope at the wedding, I say I'm game for game.
No, I said "elope.
" Oh, cantaloupe.
It's refreshing but not an entree.
Elope.
Got it.
Goin' down.
- Aah! - Ay! So Penny took that hardwood floor to the head like a boss, huh? Pete was joking before, right? We will have a wedding, right? I was promised a wedding.
Oh, no.
Here comes Bride Kong.
Frankenbride.
Creature from the Bride Lagoon.
You're looking for Bridezilla.
- That is good! - Yeah.
Dave was a total Bridezilla planning our wedding.
No, I was just passionate.
- Would you call Jonas Salk "Poliozilla"? - Hmm? Or George Clooney "Darfurzilla"? Or the founder of the real estate site Zillow, - "Zillowzilla"? - Not good examples.
I was not a Bridezilla, all right.
And even if I was, I would be called a Groomzilla.
"Groomzilla" is not a word because it never needed to exist before.
Oh, okay, so now I'm the bad guy 'cause I wanted to have an elegant Timberlake/Biel-style wedding, while you wanted to walk down the aisle carrying a bouquet of fireworks.
Look, man, I was just trying to put asses in the seats.
You wanted to have a baby animal petting zoo at the reception.
It's better than your idea-- having a band? Look, all I'm saying is, I wish you would've let me have more say at our wedding.
The caricaturist was your idea.
I still don't going to why you had this place hang yours up.
It's called owning it, dude.
- Uh-oh.
- Mm.
Hey, you guys.
Ugh.
Pete still wants to elope? Apparently, Pete's dumb brother and his dumb fiancee got so caught up in wedding details that they lost sight of what's important.
- So Pete wants to get married on a beach - Oh! just the two of us with only the sounds of waves crashing and our hearts beating.
- Monster.
He's a monster.
- Mm.
No, Pete wants a wedding.
He just doesn't know it yet.
There is a Valentine's Day weekend wedding expo downtown today.
Okay, we're gonna take Pete there, and I'm gonna change his mind, or they don't call me "bitch" behind my back.
- She knows.
- I know.
This expo is going to blow Pete's mind.
There is free food, free drinks, free giveaways.
- Giveaways?! - Oh, I'm in! - Let's all go! - I was already planning on going.
- What? - Wait.
Is this gonna be a classic group gang hang? Yeah! Oh.
Sorry.
Uh Okeydokey, lee ia-coke-ies.
Now the individual tickets don't get you all the free stuff, so I had to get you couples passes, all right? - Ooh.
- Dave And Alex.
Ugh.
Why do I have to be couples with Dave? Because you are couples with Dave.
But it's gonna be a nightmare being with Bridezilla for this thing.
No.
Today, I am Chillzilla.
You know what, Al, why don't you take me in there? You show me your idea of a perfect wedding.
I'm sure I'll love it.
Okay? You guys owe me big-time.
How do we owe you? That's your boyfriend you chose.
- You're dating him.
- You guys live in the same house.
Okay.
- Max and Brad.
- Oh! Um wait.
Why aren't I couples with you? Oh, because I got this special VIP wedding planner pass, and that turns me on sexually in a way no man ever could.
Pardon? I mean, I have to help Penny convince Pete to have a wedding.
Come on, Boo.
It's not like you never thought about it, Harvey chocolate milk.
I never thought about it.
Okay, backstory.
You've pined after me for years.
My only previous interracial relationship was with a Basque, but it ended because for a separatist, he was quite clingy.
Wait.
You really got Pete to come? Of course, because he loves - Reggae.
- Reggae.
Looks like this reggae fest is a wedding expo.
- You lied to him? - Okay, I did not know he was gonna come in like he just shot the sheriff.
Not bad, right? Yes.
- Pete, before you decide to elope - Mm.
why don't you let Penny and I show you what your wedding could be? No pressure.
It's totally your call.
I don't want to feel like you have to wear that rasta beret one more minute.
Well, obviously, it means a lot to you both, so let's expo.
- Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you! Thank you! - Yeah! You're welcome.
And I swear, we will go to reggae fest just as soon as this is over.
Yah, we be jammin', mon.
There be no reggae fest, Pete.
It's spectacular.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
So classic.
So unforgettable.
I mean, that's the kind of thing that makes an entire wedding.
Oh, undoubtedly.
That is one magnificent shan-dell-yay-- or, as the unwashed masses call it, chandelier.
No, no, I meant that.
Bouncy house.
The bride and the groom can have their first bounce in it.
So, Dave, what do ya think? Huh? Would you be cool with having a bouncy house at a wedding? No, I would not.
- I knew it.
- I would, however, be cool with having two bouncy houses at a wedding-- one for the bride's family, one for the groom's family.
That way, there's twice the amount of bounce floors to tear up.
Chillzilla! That future baby booth was a sham, bro.
There's no way our kids would look like this.
It looks like black chunk.
It looks like the third Gumbel Brother-- yitzak Gumbel.
Ha! Whoa, Max.
Check out Gay Town over there.
Oh.
Very nice, Brad.
Why is it Gay Town? 'Cause it's two handsome, well-dressed, in-shape guys? You've heard of colorblindness, right? Well, I wish you had sexual blindness.
Actually, no, I don't.
That is a real disease.
I did a run/walk for it.
I mostly walked, but, you know, my presence was felt.
Max.
It is Gay Town.
- Yeah.
- It's a classic Max knee-jerk reaction, followed by a classic Max false apology.
Brad I am so sorry.
Forgiven.
Let's go to Gay Town! - Hey, Jane? - Yeah, Penny? - Did you hear the news? - What news? - Pete doesn't like weddings.
- What?! Well, I didn't like Korean spas till I learned the phrase "I don't want to bleed today" in Korean, and now I love 'em! Prepare to be dazzled by all the wedding possibilities.
Like what kind of cake do you want? Vanilla? Ugh.
Chocolate? Shut up.
Red velvet? That's just chocolate with food coloring, ya dumb moron.
Why have one of those when you could have a chicken wing cake?! Or a bleu cheese fountain?! Mmm, mmm, mmm! Yum! Yum! Mmm! That is latex paint and it is for display only.
Excuse me.
And no wedding would be complete without music.
Mmm, that's my cue.
Mm-hmm.
String quartet? A DJ? Red red wine-not have a reggae band? I know you love reggae.
I learned that today.
I do love reggae and I do love chicken wings.
Then you are gonna love dinner, 'cause it's neither.
- Hey, Pen? - What, Jane? What's for dinner? Ooh, that's a good question.
Thought you'd never ask.
Steak? Pasta? How about sushi? And how about it served by a pretty lady? No, ya dope! Let's serve it on a pretty lady.
- Ooh! - Oh, ho! Maybe I've been a little too hard on weddings.
I think she's a little too pretty.
No offense.
I mean, you wouldn't want you at your wedding, right? I actually eloped.
Weddings are kinda crazy.
And that's enough out of you, ya human platter.
Big finish! And that's the end.
Okay, Dave, you're gonna love this.
Ta-da! An underwater wedding.
You always said you look great in a one-piece.
I just don't understand why they're not acceptable for men anymore.
- Uh-huh.
- But a scuba wedding would be delightful, Alex.
- Really? - I love it.
Uch.
All right, Dave, you win.
Even I think this is a stupid idea.
But I gotta hand it to you.
You are being very chill.
Let's go get a char-dog.
Chillzilla.
Beige napkins.
This is the exact shade I wanted for our wedding.
Urg.
What? Beige napkins are pretty.
Yeah, they're great.
They're great.
You know, you could even put them at every place setting, folded in the shape of a middle finger, because that is the message you are sending to your guests with beige napkins, because beige has no place at a wedding! Dave.
Out of the way, yuppies! There it is.
Check out all this free stuff.
How you feelin' Gay Town now, Boo? Lovin' it.
Lovin' you.
Lovin' us.
And this is my favorite line of bath products.
You guys are totally an adorable couple.
You are so cute.
You're like Paul Giamatti and Tyson Beckford.
- Oh, yeah! - Right? But wait.
He doesn't look like Paul Gia-- Oh.
So, um, we would like some things for our welcome bags for our 300-plus guests, who are all tastemakers and online reviewers and style icons, etcetera, etcetera.
- Right, hon-bun? - Mmm! Hmm? Mnh-mnh.
Elton and David would just eat these soap balls up.
Elton - John? Okay.
- John? Okay.
And by the scent of these, you know who else would love them? - Barney Frank.
- Frank.
Barney Frank.
People don't think so, but Barney Frank is way into the way his body smells.
Okay, you know what? Since you guys are such lovebirds, you can take whatever you'd like.
Yay! Ahem.
Yeah.
I mean yay! Okay.
Okay.
Okay, I'll just take two bags.
Okay, you gotta break up with me.
I just got a turnaround.
What's a turnaround? When two gay guys walk past each other, if they turnaround, it's on.
Ohh.
You just got that? Yes! I just got a turnaround, so I don't need a you-around.
I am not breaking up with you.
This is a gold mine, man.
What are you talking about? We haven't even redeemed our couple's coupon for that awesome nail salon booth run by Tom Petty's cousin Manuel-- Manny Petty's mani-pedis.
Okay.
Fine.
Brad! You're breaking up with me?! - What? - And so close to St.
Valentine's Day?! What was that? You don't want to get married to me?! It's just a piece of paper? It's about civil rights, sir! Which you would know nothing about! I'm out of here! Just-- just get out of here.
Then your guests write their hopes for you inside the lantern which floats up into the air, lighting the sky with all their loving wishes.
Aw! Right, Pete? Yeah, that is pretty aw! - Aw! - Aw! I knew you would come around, Pete.
Oh! And you can have your entire wedding video A-Ha'd.
Huh? A-Ha! Ooh! I love that.
Take on me as your wedding planner take me on just have a wedding, Pete - She's changing the words! - It's so good.
Excuse me.
Are you guys all alone in this big wedding expo? Oh, well-- Marcy Grace.
The wedding planner.
The movie was based on me.
Get out.
Yes.
Mm, back off, poacher.
They're spoken for.
Jane Kerkovich.
Never heard of you.
Or heard of a movie about you.
Must be an amateur.
Trust me.
You guys are gonna wanna go with a pro.
- Uh-oh.
- Might wanna add "-stitute" to that.
As in, uh, "pro-stitute.
" So now it's pronounced pro-stitute? I don't know.
Maybe it is.
Let's ask the crowd, huh? What?! Nobody? - All right.
I'll take this.
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh! Guys? Ladies! - Give it to me! - No! - Jane! - Jane.
Jane! Jane! Gonna be a funeral planner! Not if you're dead first! So you wanna get a big pretzel? Penny, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
Weddings make people go crazy.
Hey! Watch the sweater, chiklis! No, weddings aren't crazy.
Just Jane is crazy.
If having the taste to know that beige napkins are hideous makes me a Bridezilla, then rawr! It's not about taste, okay? You're selfish, just like at our wedding.
It's always about what you want.
Aw, come on! Once again, left at the altar.
Penny we don't need all this other stuff.
All we need is this, and just you and me.
Isn't that enough? I just It's that I guess not.
Oh.
Pete Sorry.
Can't do it.
Couples only.
Don't be petty, Manny Petty.
Give me a mani.
Pedi? Whoa! You should've about that couples coupon before you dumped your fiance at a wedding expo.
How could you do that to him? Oh.
No.
Guys, you don't understand-- And marriage is just a piece of paper? After all that we've fought for? You need to stand by your man, coward.
Ah.
Thank you much.
Lots to chew on, guys.
I'm gonna go, uh, think that over.
I'm gonna-- Hey-o! Take him back, or we're gonna pound your ass.
Wait.
Uh so you're gonna kick my ass or - We're gonna kick your ass.
- Yes.
Okay.
Thank God! Ooh! Wait.
That's not good either.
Hey, Penny, I'm just leaving you a message since they won't let me back in.
You lightly bite one security guard and they act like you're a criminal.
Anyway, I'm sorry that I left you hanging like that.
I Huh.
Wait a minute.
I just had an idea.
Aah! Uhh! Ohh! I really want a wedding.
I always have.
And as I got older, I started to think that might not happen.
And I think some other people thought that, too.
No almost everybody.
Oh.
I-I'm making it out of singledom, and I want witnesses to that.
If a Penny gets married in a forest, does anyone hear it? I know how you feel, Pen.
I put so much into the planning of my wedding.
I obsessed over everything, from the major decisions down to the smallest detail-- a security company made up entirely of little people.
They were very strong.
So I had the wedding that every little boy dreams of, but Alex didn't want it.
And at the end of the day, she was the only thing that should've mattered.
Hmm.
The wedding that every little boy dreams of? Just let me have this.
Ricky Jay was my personal magic coach, which is a pretty big deal in the Ricky Jay community.
Hey, sweet and sour sauce.
What are you doing? Get out of here.
It's not a good time.
No! I will not get out of here, sir.
I'm here to take back what I said about marriage just being a piece of paper.
And I wanna marry you because we're gay homosexuals together.
Can someone tell me what is happening? I love you and all your parts.
They're so good.
Mmm.
Like your butt.
I love your butt.
I love resting my head on your butt.
Is that what you think gay guys do? We just rest our head on each other's butts? Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Whatever.
Can you skedaddle, please? 'Cause me and this hot guy are about to He's gone.
- Thank you.
- Perfect.
Now hurry up and take me back before these huge guys pound me.
Trust me, they are DTF-- Down To Fight.
Fine.
Of course I take you back, Brad, because we are gay homosexuals who are in love and will be married.
Yay! - Oh! - Let's go.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! - Nah, it's not like that.
- Ah, no, we don't - We don't even - No, I mean We're more of a behind-closed-doors type - We don't need to prove anything.
- We're not-- - We don't like PDA - Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! - Ee.
- Ee.
Ah! I felt it! I felt your lips! I'll get married in a forest.
What? I'll elope if you want.
We can go down to the courthouse right now.
Well well, not the one on Belmont or the one on Michigan Ave, 'cause I went through a bailiff phase.
But all that matters is me and you.
Pen, I just want you to be happy.
I just want me to be happy, too! Then let's have a wedding.
Really? The fact that you would even consider eloping - is enough for me.
Come here.
- Aw! Hey, Al.
I found some more wedding stuff that I like.
What, a super boring eggshell white Vera Wang aisle runner? No.
I mean, I'd die-- but no.
How about this? For the baby animal petting zoo I wanted! And he's in a beige napkin.
Well, it's more like a diaper.
Look, you were right.
I was a Bridezilla.
And, you know, if we ever decide to get married uh, to-- to the idea of, uh, throwing a formal party-- Right.
Like-- like a black tie Super Bowl party or - Yeah.
- a wedding.
Damn it! I wanna try to say anything but that, but it was in my head.
Well, whatever we decide to do, we'll be in it together.
So happy Valentine's Day, Alex.
Oh, my God! Are you okay? I'm cool.
Just got my bell rung.
Well you know what they say.
It's not a good gang hang until someone takes a major shot to the face.
- We should check on your sister.
- Yeah, let's go look.
Take on me Take on me Take me on Take on me I'll be gone