Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e13 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
LILA: And the farmer said,
"That's no kid,
that's my baby goat."
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, brother.
Why does everybody
have to be so crazy
over that Lila?
Even Arnold.
STINKY: I reckon,
when I get growed up
I'm gonna ask Lila
to be my gal.
Not if I ask her first.
STINKY: What about you,
Arnold?
Are you holding a torch
for Miss Lila, too?
I don't know, Stinky.
I mean, I like Lila,
but I don't like her like her.
He doesn't like her like her.
(THUDS)
Oh, Arnold!
So discriminant,
so patient and thoughtful.
Spurning the golden girl
and saving his affections
for one less likely,
yet perhaps,
ultimately more deserving.
One who may not be
the prettiest or the wittiest,
but whose primitive beauty,
grace and charms
lie tragically unobserved
and unawakened.
Someone like Me,
Helga G. Pataki.
Oh, Arnold,
bane of my existence,
blight upon my tortured heart,
if only you knew
my true feelings for you.
And, if only you felt
the same true feelings
on towards me.
Dare I imagine,
if only for one brief
mad moment it were true.
Call me mad, but I dare.
I dare,
with this chalk
and no witnesses in sight,
I will write the words
upon this wall
which bear my soul,
expressing all.
I hope, I dream,
I pine and I pray,
it was true forever and a day.
"Arnold
"Loves
"Helga."
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
RHONDA:
She mixed navy blue and black.
What was she thinking?
Totally outrageous.
So I said,
"Excuse me, Miss Thing,
"this is the fashion police
and I'm going to have
to write you a ticket."
Hold up, girls.
"Arnold loves Lila"?
Gosh!
I wonder if it's true.
Of course, it's true.
It's written on the wall.
"Arnold loves Lila."
Oh, but I'm sure there is
some reasonable explanation.
Of course, there is.
The explanation
is that Arnold loves you.
It couldn't possibly be true.
Could it?
Now, why wouldn't it be true?
Everybody likes you, Lila.
You're smart
and funny and pretty,
and next to me,
you're the best dresser
in the whole class.
It makes sense to me.
He's probably just too shy
to tell you himself.
So, he wrote it
on the wall anonymously,
hoping his secret wish
would come true.
So romantic.
Gosh, I never really thought
about Arnold that much.
I mean, I always thought
he liked me,
but I never thought
he liked me liked me.
RHONDA: Well, he does, Lila.
And, I think
it's terribly sweet.
He's really a very nice boy.
Hello, Arnold.
Hi, Lila.
I was thinking,
maybe we could
sit together at lunch.
Sure, I guess so.
"Sure, I guess so"?
That's just like you, Arnold.
It is?
Oh, Arnold,
you don't have to pretend.
I know how you really feel.
How I really feel?
About me. I know you like me.
Well, sure, Lila. I like you.
Well, I know you like me,
but I also know
that you like me like me.
Huh? I don't know
what you're talking about.
Oh, Arnold,
that's just like you
to be shy about your feelings.
You don't have
to pretend anymore.
Lila
Don't try to deny it.
I read what you wrote
on the wall.
"Arnold loves Lila."
And, now that I know
your true and honest
feelings about me,
I wanna spend as much time
with you as possible.
But
You don't have to say
anything, Arnold.
I want you to know, Arnold,
I certainly enjoyed
our lunch together.
I'm getting to know you
so much better now
that I know
how deeply you feel about me.
Lila, about that
I think we should spend
as much time together
as possible, don't you?
Actually
We can do
our homework together,
and eat lunch
together every day.
Oh, Arnold, I just wanna know
everything about you.
I really do, ever so much.
Well, that's very,
very nice, Lila.
Isn't it romantic,
Arnold and Lila?
They really do make just
a terribly cute couple.
Arnold!
That stupid football head!
And, coincidentally
the tortured object
of my most hallowed
and best affections,
is glued to Lila,
instead of me!
And the worst part is,
I did this to myself!
If only I had left
what I wrote on the wall.
If only I wasn't so gutless,
maybe Arnold would be
cozying up to me,
instead of that Little Miss
Perfect phony, Lila.
(SIGHS)
(WHEEZING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(TAUNTING)
Arnold and Lila
sitting in a tree
ALL: (TAUNTING)
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Cut it out.
Ooh, Mr. Sensitive.
I am telling you guys,
I do not have a crush on Lila.
Well, since you
deny it so much,
I reckon it must be true.
ALL: (TAUNTING)
First stop's love,
then comes marriage
The problem is
she thinks I like her
like her, understand?
Of course, I understand.
What the heck
are you talking about?
You think I should
just tell her the truth?
Just say,
"Lila, I don't really like you
the way you think I"
No! Oh, no!
Whatever you do,
don't tell her that.
It will crush her spirit,
brand her for life!
Well, what should I do then?
Well, Arnold, let me tell ya,
I have no idea!
You see, the thing is,
even though I like you,
I don't really
like you like you.
But I read the writing
on the wall,
"Arnold loves Lila."
I thought that you
I don't know who wrote
those words on the wall,
or why, but it wasn't me.
Oh.
I'm really, really sorry.
I guess it was an accident,
or a bad joke, or something.
That's okay, Arnold.
I understand.
But, we can still
be good friends, right?
(SIGHING)
RHONDA:
Just look at the poor kid.
Ever since Arnold dumped her
she's been moping around.
Well, if it isn't
Mister Fickle, himself.
Huh? What do you mean?
First, you write,
"Arnold loves Lila,"
on the wall. And then,
when she starts to like you,
you decide you don't like her.
Fickle.
Rhonda, I did not write
that on the wall.
Oh, sure. Deny it now.
Oh, no.
This can't be happening.
I think, I like her like her.
Lila, there's something
I need to tell you.
LILA: Why, certainly, Arnold.
But what is it?
Well, I can't tell you
right now.
All I can say is
it's really important.
Well, okay, Arnold.
I'll meet you in the park
by the fountain after school.
I'll be looking
oh, so forward to it.
This is it.
My worst nightmare come true.
Today, in the park
by the fountain,
Arnold will express to Lila
feelings of love,
of romantic abandon
that for tortured years
I prayed he would
someday express to me.
Only he'll be gushing them
not to me,
but to another, to Lila.
Oh, what fresh torment
is this?
What ultimate nightmare
of my nine-year-old existence
am I about to endure?
(WHEEZING)
(GROWLING)
(CRASHING)
ARNOLD:
The reason I asked you here
is I have something
to say to you.
I didn't realize it
until last night,
but the truth is,
I realized that I don't
just like you.
I actually like you like you.
It's funny
you should say that,
because last week,
after you told me
that you like me but
you didn't like me like me,
well, I went home
and I felt pretty bad
for a while.
I am sorry, Lila.
But, after I had a chance
to think about it
I realized that the reason
I liked you liked you
was because I thought
you liked me liked me.
And, when I realized
that you never really
liked me liked me,
I realized that I never really
liked you liked you.
You didn't?
I always liked you, Arnold,
but after all
that's happened between us,
when I'm really honest
with myself, the truth is
I don't like you like you.
I just like you.
Is that okay?
You're dumping me, aren't you?
Not in so many words,
because I really admire you
and I treasure our friendship,
ever so much.
So, you're dumping me,
aren't you?
Well, yes.
I'm ever so sorry.
The last thing
I ever wanna do is hurt you.
I understand.
We can still be good friends,
can't we?
Sure, Lila.
I guess I should be
getting home.
I'll see you
in school, Arnold.
(BRANCH BREAKING)
Helga?
Hey, football head,
how's it going?
What're you doing here?
Nothing, just climbing trees.
And, boy,
do I love climbing trees.
Good, healthy exercise.
I guess so.
So, I couldn't help
overhearing.
I guess, Lila dumped you?
Yeah.
I guess she dumped you
pretty good.
Yeah.
Dumped you flat,
hung you out to dry.
Doesn't like you like you,
just likes you,
but still wants to be friends?
Mm-hm.
You okay, Arnold?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I guess you really
liked her, huh?
Don't worry,
you'll bounce back.
There's plenty of other fish
in the sea, right?
Yeah. It's funny,
when you like someone
and they don't
really like you back,
it's not so bad.
But, when you really
like them like them,
but you find out
they just like you, it hurts.
Have you ever felt that way
about someone, Helga?
Who, me? No. No.
No, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
But I can understand
how you must feel.
Thanks, Helga.
You going home?
Yeah, I guess so.
Could I maybe walk with you?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Well, sure, Arnold.
I mean, whatever floats
your boat, football head.
Yeah, she's
a real beaut, Arnold.
She is tough!
I reckon, this here
vehicle is gonna be
a fierce competitor
in today's go-kart race.
Yeah, and if we qualify today,
we can race in the kid's
All-City Grand Prix next week.
Now, all we need to do
is give her a name.
It's on the other side,
Stinky.
See? "Dark Avenger."
Cool.
I love
(ENGINE REVVING)
Hi, guys.
Nice kart, Eugene.
Thanks. I worked hard on it.
All my life
I wanted a great go-kart,
so I designed
and built my own creation.
I call it "The Mauve Storm."
"The Mauve Storm"?
Oh, please.
Is this it? I just
have to beat you losers?
This is gonna be cake.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Willikers, it's Wolfgang,
and he's driving some kind of
fifth-grade juggernaut.
Well, well, well.
So, I'm racing
the fourth-graders today.
(LAUGHS)
Good morning, Wolfgang.
Ready to rumble?
In your dreams, twiggy.
You don't stand
a chance in that
purple little cream puff.
Why don't you just go home now
and cry in your bed?
Well, some kids
would do that, Wolfgang.
Some kids would just give up,
and start falling apart,
piece by piece.
But, others come home
from school,
and wash up and go racing
in the streets.
(LAUGHING)
ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA)
Good morning, racing fans,
we're about to begin
the qualifying games,
for the junior
All-City Grand Prix.
Watch for the green light.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SHOUTING)
And, the first turn
is the Destroyer,
driven by Wolfgang,
followed by the Dark Avenger.
And then, The Mauve Storm.
And The Mauve Storm moves
into second place.
Hi, Arnold.
Exhilarating, isn't it?
Eugene, keep your eyes
on the road!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)
(CRASHES)
Phew!
(SCREAMING)
(CRASHES)
ANNOUNCER:
And
Wolfgang is the winner.
Followed by Helga,
in second place.
(COUGHING)
All four vehicles finished
with good enough times
to qualify for the finals.
Even the Dark Avenger,
and the, uh, Mauve Storm.
If their teams can manage
to fix their karts.
Fix our karts?
Look at them!
My poor Mauve Storm.
So young. Cut down
in the prime of life!
(SOBBING)
Well, guess that's the end
of your little go-karts.
(LAUGHS)
Maybe not.
What does that mean?
Look, now we have
two busted-up go karts, right?
Right.
Right.
But, if we take parts
from both of them,
I bet we can make one
really good go-kart.
That plan
really bites, Arnold.
Yeah, it's impossible.
We have less than a week.
Look, you guys, we can do it.
With our combined resources,
we can build a kart that'll
beat Wolfgang this week.
Now, what do you say?
Gee, um
I don't know, Arnold.
Come on, you guys,
we have to try, at least.
It just might work.
I still have
all my original designs,
and leftover materials
and lots of paint.
Well, maybe
you're right, Arnold.
It's like my uncle
Mankey says,
"Try, try and try again,
till you can't try no longer.
"And, if that don't work,
"why you've wasted
a whole lot of time
"trying to do something
you just couldn't do."
But, I reckon, I'm in anyway.
I'm in.
Yeah, let's do it!
(SAWING)
Now, let me get this straight,
you're going to take
two wrecked go-karts
and put them together
with some rusty screws
and duct tape, and somehow,
in less than a week,
build an amazing racer
that'll win
the junior Grand Prix
and defeat
that big Wolfgang fella
that's always giving you
trouble, is that right?
That's right, Grandpa.
What do you think?
Oh, wonderful idea,
short man! Go get them!
You'll win for sure!
Oh, look! A pig just flew by!
And, it's raining
malted milk balls!
(SCOFFING)
Okay, you guys,
let's get to work.
STINKY:
Can someone hand me
some of that there oil?
I got it! Whoa!
Ah!
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Oh, Arnold, it's a dream.
ARNOLD: Hop in, Eugene.
See how it feels.
You're a pal.
(CLATTERING)
Now, all we need
is some paint,
some tires, a name
EUGENE:
Uh, guys, a little help?
And a miracle.
All finished.
What do you think?
I can't believe
we let you talk us
into painting it purple.
It's not purple, Arnold,
it's mauve.
Whatever. We're still calling
it the Dark Avenger.
But, Sid, look at it,
it's The Mauve Storm.
The Dark Avenger.
The Mauve Storm.
The Dark Avenger.
I got it! How about
The Mauve Avenger?
Stinky, we're not calling our
go-kart "The Mauve Avenger."
I cannot believe we called
our go-kart The Mauve Avenger.
Isn't it great?
We have the neatest go-kart
with the most creative name
in the junior Grand Prix.
Everyone will fear
The Mauve Avenger!
WOLFGANG: The Mauve Avenger?
Ha! I'm so scared.
The big, powerful,
Mauve Avenger
is gonna beat me.
Not!
You pathetic
fourth-grade losers
are wasting your time!
Laugh and agree.
(LAUGHS)
EDMUND: I agree.
Good series
of insults, Wolfgang.
Shut up.
It's no problem.
I drive fast and I win fast.
No problem.
Just come back
in one piece, Giuseppe.
But cheri, you said
you would never race again.
I cannot resist.
It's a drug. It calls to me.
Very well.
At least, take my scarf
for luck.
Now, Helga,
you should strive to stay
close to the inside rail.
That's statistically
the safest location.
And, when the other
go-karts get close
to you, don't hit them!
Put a sock in it, both of you!
ANNOUNCER:
And now, the Grand Prix race
you've all been waiting for,
the junior division finals.
Boys and girls,
start your engines!
Racers, to your marks.
See you at the finish line,
football face.
It's crazy out there.
It never stops.
Hey, Wolfgang,
when do I get to drive?
You get to drive never!
Harold! Get some air
in my left front tire.
Move! Move!
Hey, when is my turn to drive?
When geese fly out of my nose.
(MUTTERING)
Helga, we all worked together
on this go-kart
to prepare for this race.
We're a team.
Okay, you wanna lose? Here.
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly
You don't wanna drive?
Okay, fine!
Out of my way!
Sid, take the wheel
for a while.
Uh, actually,
it's my turn to drive.
Uh, no.
No way.
Listen, guys,
exactly half
of The Mauve Avenger
is mine.
So, I get to drive
at least half the race.
Are you kidding?
He'll crash for sure.
Yeah, he's a jinx!
A jinx.
Fellas.
I think the whole thing
is moot.
We're dead meat.
(THINKING) Steady, this is
your day, Eugene.
(THINKING) Ride the rail
and the race is yours.
(THINKING) When I get home,
I'm gonna have a big pizza.
ANNOUNCER:
We're now in the final lap!
I'm gonna win, fourth-grader!
I'm gonna win!
(THINKING) Eugene, go,
it's your lucky day.
(SCREAMS)
Jacques!
HELGA: That's it, Phoebe,
faster! Punch it!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
ANNOUNCER:
Helga's Angel
has taken the lead.
But The Mauve Avenger
is closing the gap.
(SCREAMING)
And they're neck-and-neck.
It's gonna be close.
A photo finish!
And the winner is
Helga's Angel!
I'm okay.
I told you
you should have let me drive.
Shut up.
Well, you should have.
I wouldn't have crashed.
Well, we got second place.
That's pretty good.
Yeah, but we didn't win.
But I didn't crash.
But we didn't win.
Yeah, it is. I should have
done this alone!
The point is we did our best,
and we beat Wolfgang.
Yeah, I knew The Mauve Storm
could do it.
You mean The Dark Avenger.
The Mauve Storm.
The Dark Avenger!
I am confused, fellas.
I thought it was
The Mauve Avenger.
No, no, no, see
I really love the way
you race, sei bella.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
WOLFGANG:
So, I'm racing
the fourth-graders today.
EUGENE:
Cut down in the prime of life.
HELGA: Oh, please.
WOLFGANG: (LAUGHING)
"The Mauve Storm."
HAROLD: When the other
go-karts get close
to you, don't hit them!
HELGA: Harold! Get some air
in my left front tire.
EUGENE: A little help.
I'm okay.
Oh, no.
GIUSEPPE: It's no problem.
(COUGHING)
GRANDPA: A pig just flew by.
EUGENE: Half of
The Mauve Avenger is mine.
HAROLD: When do I get
to sit in the go-kart?
EUGENE: Arnold, it's my turn!
STINKY:
Willikers, it's Wolfgang.
GRANDPA: It's raining
malted milk balls.
EUGENE: Ready to rumble?
HELGA:
Double check the wiring!
Phoebe, get me a sandwich!
(PHOEBE LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
ANNOUNCER: The Mauve Avenger
is closing the gap.
EUGENE: Willikers!
ANNOUNCER: A photo finish!
WOLFGANG: I'm so scared.
EUGENE: Hi, guys.
(CRASHES)
EUGENE: I'm okay.