Life in Pieces (2015) s03e13 Episode Script

Hey, Mom-Mom.
Uh, Clem comes to you for therapy, right? Sweetheart, I can't reveal who my patients are.
- Hey, Tyler.
- Hi.
Uh, Joan, I'm ready for therapy.
Okay.
I still acknowledge nothing.
You have to help me out.
Splitting up was a huge mistake.
I love Clementine, and I just want her back.
Tell her.
I I say that as your grandmother, not as her therapist, - which I may or may not be.
- I can't.
I need to know if she still feels the same way before I open up.
Don't you think it's worth a gamble? I say that not as your grandmother, but as a gambler.
Uh (SIGHS) JOHN: Psst.
I know how to solve your problem.
Just go take a good pee.
What's the difference between a good pee and a bad pee? Well, if you have to ask, you're one of the lucky ones.
Just go to the bathroom.
I don't need to go.
You millennials think you always know everything.
If I tell you to go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom.
Well, you've been talking so long - that I kind of do have to go.
- Mm-hmm.
JOAN: I know you're holding so much inside you.
Can you let it out? (CLEMENTINE SIGHS) See if you can let it out, honey.
(SIGHS) I'm still struggling with our breakup.
Tyler is my best friend.
He's just so sweet and sensitive.
Yes, dear.
No matter what, you always keep a soft spot for your first love.
Mine was a war criminal, and I still smile when I think about him.
Was he nice? No, dear.
He was a war criminal.
Oh.
The one that got away.
- No, he was hanged.
- Oh.
As a war criminal.
Oh, but we had fun.
That's what I want.
I want to have fun, but every time I think I'm ready to move on from Tyler, I catch a glimpse of him without his shirt on.
His body is so milky white and he's got these two new chest hairs.
Like little sexy spider legs waving hello.
Wait till she sees number three.
(LAUGHING) Nobody got me a beer? How come I didn't get a beer? No, I don't want it.
HEATHER: Oh, Tim.
See, look at Tyler.
That's the same color white that I want my teeth to be.
Oh, sorry.
I was just lifting, and now my shirt won't fit, so Why are your nipples so hard? Doesn't that hurt? - Uh - Oh! Tyler.
Here's an afghan.
Uh, am I still allowed to call it an afghan? Joan, could I talk to you in your office for a second? - Sure.
- Uh, maybe you should do that someplace else.
Maybe someone goes in there to fart.
SOPHIA: Dad.
(GROANS) Oh.
I cannot believe that you told Tyler what I said.
What happened to doctor-patient confederacy? Honey, I would never tell anything you told me as a patient.
What, so it's just a coincidence that Tyler decided to show up without his shirt on? God, you're so lucky you're related to him.
You can probably resist it.
Yeah.
I don't know how to explain it.
He-he just came without his shirt.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (DOOR CLOSES) (TOILET WHIRRING) Tyler? Someone's in here.
You know what, I still can't understand how Tyler overheard my therapy session.
Well, I told him to go pee.
You can hear through the vent.
You can hear my sessions through the vent? - Yeah, uh, because I knew you couldn't tell Tyler about - (GASPS) Tangerine's feelings, so I did it for you.
Because we have that unspoken agreement.
What agreement? Well, the one where you won't do things that are against the rules, so I do 'em for you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
The perfect crime.
Honey, I know this is strange, but I need you to go into the bathroom and stay there.
Oh.
I've gotten this request before.
Oh.
We've got a lot of ground to cover.
Oh.
Here's the problem, Mom-Mom.
Your computer was off.
Oh.
"Off" buttons.
- Hmm.
- Honey, while I have you, dear, are you still in love with Clementine? I think you know the answer to that.
I'd like to hear you say it.
Why? That's weird.
Say it, damn it.
I love her.
I love her so much.
And you realize that you made a horrendous mistake and that you wish you could take it all back? Say it.
Don't make me pinch you.
Okay! It was the worst mistake of my life.
I'm so stupid.
I'm an idiot.
I'm a stupid idiot.
My dad and all my high school friends were right.
She was too good for me.
And now I'm gonna die alone, and she's gonna have a million babies without me! All right, all right, all right.
We-we got the gist.
Why are you being so mean? I, uh I really thought she'd be here by now.
Who? Samantha? I wasn't doing anything.
Tyler I love you, too.
(PANTING) Not on the desk! Tim! Tim, you got another ticket? Impossible.
I am nothing if not an incredibly safe driver.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
(SCOFFS) You always have to tell me if you have proof before you accuse me.
Then that way, I don't have to lie to you.
Come on, babe, we've talked about this.
We are already on my parents' car insurance, babe.
There is nowhere for us to go after this.
Relax.
I'll do Internet traffic school.
And like everything I do online, I'll bang it out in two seconds.
MERGIN: Well parked, young wizard! On to the next magical lesson! Oh, I hate this.
Why is this traffic school wizard-themed? Everybody knows wizards don't drive; they ride eagles! How many wands away from the curb shall ye park your chariot? - In inches? - How am I supposed to know? I only learned it in wands! It's 18 inches.
That's as good a guess as any.
(TYPES) Hey, you were right! Who told you that? Mergin the Driving Wizard.
Aren't you listening? He said it when he brought that motorcycle rider back to life.
Hey, you know what? If you can finish this test for me, I just might be able to turn Tyler's old car into Sam's new car.
What's Tyler going to use? (SCOFFS, CHUCKLES) He's got nowhere to go.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah.
Okay, Soph, enough with the slime.
You got to get going on your homework.
I'm having Beverly do it for me.
She's desperate for my approval, and I'm embarrassed how much I've been withholding.
Sweetie, you can't do that.
You can't just pawn your work off on someone else.
That's what you'd think, but I saw Sam taking Dad's driving test for him, so I figured anything goes.
(LAUGHS): Okay, honey, your dad would never do that.
Of course I did that.
- Oh, Tim! - All right, no one actually knows where a wizard gets his power from.
So I guess we're gonna have to go to the dark web to find out.
I can't believe that you are teaching our daughter it's okay to cheat.
Well, you cheat all the time! - What? - Dad's just teaching me about priorities.
Don't forget about bribery, too.
Okay, you know what, no.
Sam, we're hypocrites, okay? But you're-you're better than that.
You're a good kid.
I know this! I read it in your diary.
You read my diary? Yes.
Because we are terrible people, okay? But it's not too late for you.
And you were right, Sam.
Everything can change over the summer.
- Mm.
- Oh, my God.
Samantha cheated, and there were no Thank you no consequences.
She's just way too young to give up on having morals.
So I guess we're done talking about my grandmother's diagnosis then.
Heather, it's not too late to teach Samantha a lesson.
When I was a kid, I used to swap price tags to get things cheaper.
Oh, honey, I know.
But don't feel bad about that.
You grew up in a different world.
I grew up in a gated community.
- Oh.
- I just liked the thrill of stealing things.
So my mom had my neighbor dress up like a cop to scare me straight.
But don't you still swap price tags? Yes, but only because, on his way over to scare me, a drug dealer thought my neighbor was a real cop and just shot him dead.
Yeah.
But I really think the plan would have worked.
Mom, my life is over! What happened, sweetie? Ten bucks says she's pregnant.
I got an e-mail from the DMV.
Oh, did you? Hmm.
I wonder what that said.
They found out I took Dad's traffic test for him and said I can't get my license until I'm 21.
Mm.
Wow, that's tough.
I hope you learned a valuable lesson.
- I did.
- Good.
I went right to the DMV to apologize.
You went to the what now? I had to explain what happened.
- Oh - I told them that Dad bribed me to take his traffic test for him.
Oh, Samantha, I wish you wouldn't have done that.
The e-mail was from me! You tricked me? Yes! Because I wanted to teach you a valuable lesson! Well, I guess that explains why the DMV can't spell - the word "parallel.
" - Heather! Heather, I just got an e-mail from the DMV.
They found out somehow that Samantha took the test for me, and now they're suspending my license! Don't worry, Dad, that was probably a fake e-mail from Mom.
She's pathological.
Heather, please tell me that e-mail was from you.
(GROANS) Oh, Heather! GREG: Hey, guys, check out these vintage Jordans I got for my big job interview.
I heard the CEO collects these.
- Oh, yeah.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh.
No touch, okay? They're still mint.
Yeah, I outbid a 12-year-old from Bel Air for these things.
Are those the shoes you wanted to put in our china cabinet? Yeah.
But then I realized you don't put shoes in a china cabinet.
You know, this behavior would be understandable if there was any reason for it.
Well, he's just trying to make up for not being cool in high school.
I think it's kind of cute.
As long as I can ignore the fact that he spent our vacation money on them.
- He-he was cool in high school.
- (GROANS) Yeah, you slayed, baby.
You slayed.
Eh, not so much, Ma.
I was kind of an embarrassment.
I mean, that's why Matt wouldn't even drive me to school.
Uh, I drove you to school.
No, you didn't.
You said I didn't meet the height requirement.
- Ah - The point is, it took me a long time to get over the years of your neglect, but I'm over it.
Totes over it.
(KNOCKS ON TABLE) Over it! Oh, man! Get in.
Yes, you.
I feel bad about not driving you to school, so I'm taking you to that interview.
You're gonna give me a ride in Blue Ferrigno? - (TIRES SCREECH) - Man, that sound! It's just like I used to hear from my bedroom - after you would lock me in it.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, man.
Th-This is exactly how I imagined this would be.
I got to be honest with you, one of the reasons I didn't take you to school is because I didn't always go.
- What? - I'd skip school.
I'd drive around in this bad boy and pick up on the junior college transfer girls.
Wow.
Hey, I got to ask.
- I mean, s-since we're talking about it.
- Hmm? How many girls have you been with? Oh, I'm not telling you.
What? No, come on! (CHUCKLES): No, I'm not gonna tell you.
It's lame to talk about.
I don't All right, w-well, fine.
Just, uh just honk - how many times.
- (LAUGHS) Come on, just do it, just do it.
- Uh, uh - Code.
Bro code.
Uh-huh.
- (HONKS TWICE) - Ah.
- Uh-huh.
Oh.
- (CONTINUES HONKING) I'm gonna need two horns for this one.
- (HONKS TWICE) - What? (HONKING RAPIDLY) Okay.
(STAMMERS) Stop honking.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I was done anyway.
- And then there was college.
(HONKS) - That was before college?! Why? How many have you had? - Let's just listen to music, shall we? - No, no, no! Don't turn on the radio! It'll short out the (GROANING) - (ENGINE SPUTTERING) - (MATT GROANS) (GROANS) No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, man! Another driver canceled.
Great.
And now I'm gonna be late for my interview.
Well, it's, like, ten minutes away.
Let's walk.
No, I can't walk in these shoes.
What? They're mint! Do you know how much wear and tear ten minutes would do to these? They would plummet from "new in the box" down to "very, very good.
" What do you want to do? I don't know.
Well What are you doing? Dude, what are you doing? What are you really? Will you give me a piggyback ride? - No! (STAMMERS) - Come on.
Just give me step away from the curb.
Get off of me.
Do I really have to hold your hand? Yeah, these seat covers are slippery.
Why don't you just take the Jordans off? Well, because they make me feel good, you know.
Not everybody has the same number of honks as you do.
Oh, life isn't all about the honks, Gregory.
And, besides, you probably got a couple little beeps in there.
- Right? Yeah.
- Eh, well Man, you're lucky you weren't in my car.
You actually went to class, and you became this guy, you know? This guy who's gonna go get this job.
Are you saying I'm cool? Well, you're wearing my seat beads on your feet.
Yeah.
Looks like we made it.
Hey, Matt, thanks again.
Yeah.
I'm gonna make you proud.
Aw, Greg, man, you already have.
Dude! Oh! Dude! You did that on purpose! What?! No, I didn't! I'm sorry! It's not my fault you don't have any balance! Oh, forget it, man! I can't go in there now! No shoe company's gonna hire me looking like this! (SIGHS) Well, now it makes sense.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
JOHN: Was that great or what? - An old-fashioned movie night.
- Yeah.
Oh, it really brings me back to when the kids were little.
Yeah, I remember that.
You would set us up with a movie and then go upstairs and fold laundry.
Yeah, that's what was going on.
HEATHER: You know what? I think that we should do this every week.
- SAMANTHA: Yeah.
- COLLEEN: Oh, yay.
SOPHIA: That'd be fun.
No, but-but-but-but she meant instead of brunch.
We can do both.
We already do, because technically, brunch is both breakfast and lunch.
Right, so we'll see you tomorrow.
Now we've got a weekly brunch and a movie night? We were just here eight hours ago.
We didn't even bother to take Lark out of her car seat last night.
It's too much.
Is that the right answer? I mean, don't you think, Tim? I'm gonna wait to see how you react to her answer before I answer.
I have literally seen conjoined twins spend less time together than this family.
Yeah, now that I've seen your reaction, it's sickening.
Yeah, but isn't it, isn't it kind of sweet how much they love each other? Because I don't think it is.
- No.
No.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- You know what this is about? It's about boundaries.
- Mm-hmm.
Because if we don't fight this now, we're gonna be over here every single night, - and we're not even blood-related.
- Oh.
I think they're the in-laws, - we are the out-laws.
- (GASPS) - Yeah.
And we don't play - Yeah.
- by their rules; we make our own rules.
- Yeah.
That's right.
- Rule number one: no rules.
- Okay.
- Rule number two: be courteous.
- Sure.
Rule number three: elections.
- Hmm.
- Election rule number one: no rules.
Election rule number two: - contesting elections.
Now - Okay.
I don't know.
I just don't want to be the bad guy and not show up.
But no one will be the bad guy if we present a united front.
- Uh-huh.
- We are going to take a stand - together.
Who is with me? - (GASPS) - That's you guys.
You guys are with me.
- Oh.
- Do it again, do it again.
- Uh, who's with me? - Yeah! - We are! Good.
- One, two, three - (WHOOPS) - Outlaws! - Girls! - Outlaws! JOHN: All right, everyone, movie night in four minutes.
They're making a serious stand by not coming.
Yeah, I know it.
But, you know, we have to support our spouses.
Right.
But, just to be clear, if-if Mom asks, we are telling her the truth, right? - Oh, absolutely.
- Where's Jen? - She, uh, has a headache.
- Yeah, Tim, too.
Yeah, he was chasing a street sweeper because he thought it was an ice cream truck and then the lights just (POPS) set off a migraine.
Uh, and Colleen? I guess she's sick as well? Actually, Mom, she decided to stay home to celebrate the Mexican holiday of Adidas.
"Surround yourself with loved ones, for someday they might be gone.
" - No.
- MAN (ON TV): Next, on A Little Off The Nose.
- That's the same girl? - (PHONE RINGS) WOMAN: I don't even recognize myself.
Oh.
Hi.
COLLEEN: Jen, I'm worried that if we don't go to movie night, John and Joan will die.
John and Joan, or John or Joan? I just got into this family.
Okay? They like me still.
Plus, it's really good to have a white family as a character witness.
Hey.
How about this? We could spend our Saturday night together.
You could come over, hang out, sit on the floor with Lark, play with her.
I could come in and check on you.
So, like, babysit? Well, no, you-you pay a babysitter.
But just-just stay united.
Okay, fine.
I don't trust this bitch.
Mm? Hi.
- Where are you going? - Nowhere.
- Nowhere, huh? - Nope.
- I was just going to the horse show.
- Mmm.
She was going to movie night! And you came over to stop her? Well, kind of.
She called, said something about Chinese food, so I just hung up and rushed over here.
Dumpling House won't deliver to me anymore.
The story is long.
You want to hear it? No.
(GROANING) Oh, this is so stupid, you guys.
We're doing the same thing here that we would be doing over there.
Okay, you're right.
Let's go over.
No.
We are not going over.
It's the principle, okay? It is weird that I spend more time with them than I do my own family.
Why don't you spend more time with your family? Because the Shorts are better than my family.
They enjoy each other's company, they forgive each other without holding grudges.
When they ask how your day was, it's not a trap.
It's all very dysfunctional.
I am understanding so much more about you now.
No, you're not.
Okay, I'm not.
We need to take a vote.
Allow me to recap the voting rules.
Rule number one: no rules.
- Rule number two - Wait.
Look-look-look.
- We're just gonna stay here.
- Okay.
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
We're gonna drink some wine, we're gonna hunker down for the night.
It's gonna be so fun.
Okay.
Sorry, I ate all the noodles.
(SIGHS) She's been in there kind of a long time, huh? Maybe she took all her clothes off to go to the bathroom.
It's just taking a long time to put them back on.
Some people do that.
Colleen? You wearing clothes? Oh, come on.
Ugh.
She went out the window.
Do you believe that, Tim? Tim? It's like when I was robbin' convenience stores.
(SOBBING): I love him so much.
- (DOOR OPENS) - COLLEEN: Hi! Sorry, I locked myself in my own car in the driveway oops.
Well, good, you made it.
Yes, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Feliz Adidas, Colleen.
- Say gracias.
- Gracias.
- Yup.
- TIM: Oh! You guys'll never guess what happened.
I was cooking myself this really healthy meal of fruits and vegetables and whole grains and Nobody cares.
Sit down.
- Okay.
- HEATHER: Hey, babe.
- Aw.
- Hi, babe.
- I'm so glad that you're here.
- Oh.
- Oh, you smell like Chinese food.
- Shh.
I guess, uh, Jen still has a headache.
That's too bad.
Movie's starting.
Everybody shut up.
NICOLAS CAGE (ON TV): Lookee here, young sportsman.
That there's the kitchen area, where Ma and Pa chow down.
This here's the TV.
Two hours a day maximum, either-either educational or football so as, you know, you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.
(BABY CRIES ON TV) NICOLAS CAGE: What, are you kidding? - We got us a family here.
- Hi.
Hi, Mommy! I said shut up.
Okay.
I'm glad your headache is gone.
I realized headaches aren't so bad, even if they're twice a week.
He's a little outlaw.
Outlaws! I said no talking.
Now I got to rewind the VHS, and it's gonna take about 20 minutes.
(ALL GROANING) - Well, should we play a game? - HEATHER: Ooh! Or should we have a separate game night for that? - Yes! - (KIDS CHEERING) - We could host it at our place.
- HEATHER: Oh, great!