Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e13 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
Are you OK? Did it hurt?
The pregnancy test?
You don't know how they work, do you?
Sure.
You put it under the thing,
and it does the thing.
No, I do not.
Well, in seven minutes, we'll find out
if Chance is gonna be
a big brother or not.
Oh, seven minutes.
That is two hours from now.
I can't believe we let this
happen before we got married,
again. My mom is gonna kill us, again.
Maybe you're not pregnant.
You're just late.
Maybe the stress of your grandma
with anger issues scared off Aunt Flo.
Aunt Flo is my one
tía who is never late.
Can I tell you something?
I'm excited.
Really?
Yeah.
I always thought we'd
have more than two kids.
I count George as one of our kids,
because he sleeps in a bunk bed
and he refuses to get a haircut.
Money's tight right now.
And with the wedding coming up, I mean,
doesn't my uterus know that we're broke?
We figured out with Chance.
We'll figure this out, too.
[KNOCKING]
Grandma Elsa.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We weren't expecting you.
We aren't expecting anything.
Does it look like we're expecting?
No.
I just came by to bring you a gift.
Oh.
Ooh, it's, uh,
arcade tokens?
No, it's Las Arras Matrimoniales.
13 coins to bring you good
fortune for your marriage.
- Oh.
- And they will,
because we will use them
to scratch off lottery tickets.
Well, thank you, Elsa.
I hate to rush you
out, but we're kind of
in the middle of something.
Oh, no worries.
I got to get to work anyway.
This is beautiful, though.
You're beautiful.
And I can't wait to see
you in your wedding dress.
Oh, definitely.
OK, I'll see you later.
OK.
Four minutes to go.
Why does time take so long?
- What have you done?
- We don't know yet.
But it was between
two consenting adults.
Mm-hmm.
Nothing about this is "consexual."
How could you invite
Elsa to your wedding?
We didn't.
She just said that she
can't wait to see me
in my wedding dress, and
then I said, definitely,
and, oh, yeah, we totally invited her.
Well, you can totally uninvite her!
She just came back
into our lives, Mayan.
It's too soon. OK?
You can invite her to your next wedding.
But if we tell her that she can't come,
she might flip out on us,
like she did the other day.
Oh, she flipped out on you?
We didn't tell you because we
didn't want you to get upset.
Or hear you say, I told you so.
I told you so.
So you tell that cold-hearted witch
that her talons are
not gonna be scratching
that dance floor to "Love
Shack" at your wedding.
- OK, we'll call her.
- Call her? No, no.
You need to look into the
eyes of the devil to banish it.
And yet, you're still here.
It's gonna have to wait.
We got Chance's award
ceremony in a few hours.
That's more than enough time.
Just drive on the shoulder like I do
when Uncle Flo comes to visit me.
Mayan and I need three
minutes alone in the bathroom
before we go.
Oh, cochinos!
Hey, you can get it on
after you talk to my mom!
Now, go, or I'll be
forced to make a scene.
- Go!
- OK.
Before I'm forced to
make a scene, Mayan!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
How are we gonna tell my grandmother
that she's not invited to the wedding
without her freaking out?
Don't worry.
I figured out a safe way to tell her.
You do it, while I wait in the car.
No!
Till death do us part,
which means, if you leave,
I will kill you.
Mayan?
Hey, girl!
Hi.
I was gonna call you,
because I found the perfect
dress to wear to your wedding.
Oh, you can't.
I'm buying this.
So we came by to say
that we are so grateful
to receive the blessing of the coins,
but in some ways,
the greatest blessing would be
if you graced us with your absence.
What do you mean?
You know sometimes you invite
someone with a plus one.
So we're just inviting you
with a minus one.
So you're uninviting me.
Yeah.
We're sorry.
It's just too hard for my dad.
He's just not ready.
I understand.
The last thing I want to do is impose.
Oh, thank you.
But I am so happy you are not upset.
Yeah, well, take care, Elsa.
You should take care, too.
What does that mean?
I don't know, but keep
walking and don't look back.
OK.
Finally, we can check
our pregnancy test results
so I know if my mom is gonna
throw holy water on me, again.
Yeah, I was so distracted
at Chance's award ceremony,
I forgot to film it, and instead,
watched it with my own two
eyes, like a terrible parent.
I can't see.
Can someone tell me where I'm going?
Into a bright future
filled with more awards
and speeches thanking your inspiration,
me.
Kids these days get too many awards.
In my day, you only got
an award if you earned it
or stole it from a nerd.
Give me that, nerd.
Certificate of Achievement,
Most Resourceful.
They gave you an award
for being Mexican?
It means I'm the one they shove
in the vents to fix the AC.
So they gave you an award
for being a little Mexican.
All right.
There you go.
Mayan, what's the
hang-up? Open the door.
For some reason, my key isn't working.
Kids these days, they
can't even open a door!
Take a look at this.
Oh.
I can open the door behind me.
OK.
[RATTLING]
- I can't open the door.
- [SHADE WHISKING OPEN]
Oh!
Get off my porch.
You are trespassing!
What the hell's going on?
I changed the locks.
This is my house.
You don't care about me,
so I don't care about you.
But, now, now, can Mayan and I
at least use the bathroom real quick?
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I can't believe Elsa changed
the locks to your house.
Gordo, you can stay
here as long as you need.
The rest of you have five days.
She must have found the spare key
I hide under the welcome mat.
Now, what are we gonna do?
This sounds like a
job for Glassell Park's
most resourceful student.
I could break into the house.
I just need scissors, a rope,
and three Capri Suns to fuel me up.
Gordo, can you go play in
Nana's room for a little bit?
- The adults need to talk.
- Whatever.
I'm just gonna listen from
the other room anyways.
I can't believe that she
did something this extreme.
Well, I told you that if
we let her into our lives,
nothing good would come of it.
So this is on boop!
But this would have never happened
if you didn't make me
uninvite her to the wedding,
so this is on boop!
You're seriously trying
to turn this boop on me?
Yes!
You could have been more patient.
Patient? Have you met me?
Ay ya!
This is my house. No fighting.
That's what your house is for.
We got to figure out a
way to get our house back.
We should call the cops.
ALL: Ta loca, call the cops!
I'll call someone. I got a primo lawyer.
- He's really good?
- No, he's terrible.
Primo, he's my cousin.
We are never gonna get home
to check that pregnancy test.
I have another one in my purse.
I bought a two-pack.
One for each boob?
No.
I just need to sneak off
into the bathroom to take it.
Why do you have to sneak?
I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but somehow, my mom is gonna know
that I'm taking a pregnancy test.
Yes, that does sound crazy.
- What's crazy?
- BOTH: Gah!
Oh, what are you two hiding?
BOTH: Nothing.
[CHUCKLES]
- Spread em!
- [BOTH GROAN]
All clear.
Keep it that way.
My cousin Manny is not
just a terrible lawyer.
He's also an untrained personal trainer.
Primos!
Great news.
You see? He already found
a way to kick Elsa out.
Even better.
Just found out injecting testosterone
doesn't cause brain damage permanent.
- What about our house?
- Oh, yeah, about that.
It's not your house. Elsa owns it.
What? How is that even possible?
Yeah, we pay the mortgage every month,
occasionally on time.
George, when your grandma passed away,
the title automatically transferred
to her next of kin, AKA, your mama.
So, when you gave me the
house, it wasn't yours to give?
Well, Mayan, I mean, that's kind of true
about a lot of things that I give you.
I just assumed it was in my name.
Why?
Because you wrote "George"
in the cement outside?
There was a handprint there, too.
Now, you might be able
to get the house back
by claiming that Elsa's unfit
to care for the property.
You can do that?
We're unfit to care for the property.
There's a mold thing in our closet
that we dealt with by
removing the light bulb.
We have a rat problem,
too, but then the mold is
killing them, so it works out.
I'm talking mentally unfit.
I got my hands on Elsa's records,
and she's had several
crisis hospitalizations
for borderline personality disorder.
That's ridiculous, 'cause she
doesn't have a personality at all.
Dad, borderline personality disorder
is a serious mental health condition.
It can lead to unstable emotions,
paranoia, disassociation.
Oh, my God, this sounds like Elsa.
This might be an
explanation for her behavior
- all those years.
- No, no, no.
She's not sick, she's evil.
She probably just convinced some doctor
to give her a bed with a pillow
and a little piece
of chocolate on there.
She went loca for Almond Roca!
I think you're confusing a hospital
with a Courtyard by Marriott.
Oh, you can use the gym
there without a room key.
Whatever, Manny's gonna find another way
to get Elsa out of
the house, huh, Manny?
[CHUCKLES] I can't do
that, but I can get you
to the best shape of your life.
♪
Ooh.
What are we doing?
I'm supposed to be
taking you to the movies
while your parents navigate
a delicate family crisis.
Ta loca, delicate.
An old lady took our house,
and now I'm getting us back in there.
I'm gonna climb the
tree, leap onto the roof,
and parkour through my bedroom window.
No, that seems dangerous.
I cannot let you do that, buddy.
You're right.
It's better if you do it.
Thank God we got here before my dad.
He doesn't believe
she has a real problem,
so he's probably gonna bust
in there like a Chicano Kramer.
That's why we're gonna be
gentle and compassionate,
like a Chicano Mr. Rogers.
Elsa, we understand that you're upset.
Can you open the door
so that we can talk?
Hello?
If you don't want to
talk about how you feel,
talk about what you see
in the bathroom on the counter.
Don't worry about that test.
- I have the other one.
- Then what are you waiting for?
We're not getting in the house.
Put the thing under the
thing and get the thing done.
Here?
I'm not going to pop a
squat on the front lawn
where everyone on the street can see us.
I'm not my dad.
Give it to me. I'll pee on it.
Who are you?
Here you go.
It's nice and private back here.
Oh, hello, Mayan!
Oscar!
What are you doing up there?
I got stuck.
But it's OK.
The squirrels have accepted
me as one of their own.
I came up with a foolproof
way to get into the house,
but then a certain fool proved me wrong.
In retrospect, it seems obvious
that I'd be better at
getting high than coming down.
What's that white
stick in Churro's mouth?
That's a
- That's a thermometer.
- kazoo.
Play something, Churro.
I got my tools from the
truck to get into the house
to deal with Elsa.
We can't just barge in there.
We have to use empathy and forgiveness.
I think we have to use a
screwdriver and a hammer
and three Capri Suns to fuel me up.
I'll go in there and bust
the lock on the back door.
I'm done playing games with her.
Hey, this isn't a game, Dad. She's sick.
We have to be gentle with her.
I told you that she's not sick.
OK, I'm gonna go in there
and tell her to drop the act.
She's not fooling anybody.
The only person around here
that gets to make a scene
is me! Me, I say!
Wait!
I offended their leader and now
the squirrels are turning on me!
Help! Help!
[FRIGHTENED SCREAMING]
Dad, I really don't think
you should go in there.
Leave it alone, Mayan.
I got to do what I need to do.
- Oh, my God.
- What's going on?
Stay back. Call 911.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
What's going on?
I saw you punching the walls.
Why would you do that?
I don't know.
Sit down.
Oh, you cut yourself.
Just get so angry sometimes.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.
Don't say you're sorry. It's
not it's not your fault.
I'm not well, George.
Not well.
[CRYING]
I know.
I know, Mom.
I know.
Oh, baby.
Oh, your hand is bleeding, too.
Well, quit hogging all the
Band-Aids, viejita.
And you know what?
I'm not all there either.
They've got Elsa in the ambulance.
- That's good.
- Is your hand going to be OK?
I don't know.
It's too soon to tell.
Sip.
The paramedics said
that Elsa's gonna be OK.
She apologized and gave
me the keys to the house.
She stopped taking her medication
because she wanted to have a
clear head when she saw you.
And without it, she kind of falls apart.
I spent all those years resenting Elsa
for not taking care of me.
She can barely take care of herself.
It's OK to resent her.
Her illness is an
explanation, not an excuse.
You didn't deserve what
happened to you, George.
I know, but it's still hard.
I mean, I'm angry at her,
and I kind of feel sorry for her, too.
You're allowed to feel both.
Two emotions in one day?
That's too much, Mayan!
Sip, sip, sip.
Man, Churro really loves that kazoo.
How did she get that kazoo?
I took it away from her.
That's the other kazoo.
The one that I played this morning.
That's not a kazoo,
it's a pregnancy test.
Churro's pregnant?
Are you having a baby
before you get married,
again?
I don't know.
The answer is in Churro's mouth.
Get her!
Chance, amigo, before you
go upstairs, give me a sip.
No.
And that's for that "little
Mexican" joke you made earlier.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
OK, this test hasn't been
slobbered on and buried,
so it should work.
This is the longest
seven minutes of my life,
and I honeymooned with your father.
Oh!
[BEEPING]
Two lines.
Does that mean that the baby has COVID?
No, that means
We're pregnant!
Come here, baby.
Oh, I shouldn't overexert
myself in my condition.
You're not mad that this is
happening before the wedding?
Of course not.
Oh, this is a blessing.
Besides, you guys have already been
living in sin for nine years.
What's nine more months?
We're having a baby.
Yeah, we are.
And even I know how it happened.
I'm gonna be a grandpa,
or a grandma.
I don't know, depending
on if it's a boy or a girl.
And I'm gonna be a big brother.
I hope that baby's ready for
a lifetime of wet willies.
We're gonna really have to start saving.
You know, I hate to say it,
but maybe we should consider
not having the wedding.
You're having this wedding,
even if I have to push your pregnant ass
down the aisle in a wheelbarrow.
We can scale back and
put some of the money away
into a savings for the kids.
S. Plural?
Oh, my God!
We'll have the wedding in the backyard.
Corn, chicken, MINIKISS,
just as the prophecy foretold.
It would be nice to have it here.
This house is special.
There's a reason that
the rats keep coming back.
It's also a house with two bedrooms.
Maybe someone who's grown
a lot these past three years
will finally get his own place.
I think that's a good idea.
It's time.
Come on, Gordo, help you pack.
Hey, we'll get your toys first.
Then we'll come back
and get your clothes.
[SIREN WHOOPS]
Not that any of you care,
but I finally got
myself out of the tree.
Let's go, Kevin.
We're having a baby!
That's crazy!