Magnum, P.I. (1980) s03e13 Episode Script
Of Sound Mind
I'm Mr.
Magnum's manservant.
I'm moving out.
I'll have my financial advisers get in touch with you.
Financial advisers? Oui.
You will pay for this.
Aargh! - I was gonna go straight to bed.
- How convenient.
There's no question that your benefactor was cruel.
There always seemed to be something evil here.
I personally checked out your new aircraft, sir.
- No bombs, huh? - No, sir.
Cariton, sometimes I don't think you have a sense of humor.
You know what they say about the British.
I've been known to enjoy a good joke.
Hey, what's this? You been sneaking food again, huh? I'll get that sense of humor yet, Mr.
MacLeish.
- Simon.
- Cariton.
What do you want? As estate bursar, I must protest your purchase of this toy.
It's not a toy.
It's stressed for seven Gs positive and three negative.
- You can't afford it, sir.
- I've already paid for it.
You're spending principal.
Principal? Interest? So what? The difference, Uncle Wilson, is that you are destroying a fortune.
A fortune that took this family generations to build.
It's mine to destroy if I want to, isn't it? Yes, but there are other people to consider.
Are you afraid there won't be any of the pie left for you? Don't worry.
There'll be something in the will.
You did check for bombs? Yes, sir.
I went over the plane with the proverbial fine tooth comb.
Well, ta-ta.
Sir? About Sunday - What about it? - I mentioned it.
My godson's baptism.
I need you on the skeet range.
Have Simon give the little nipper a sawbuck on me.
Aloha.
Hey, Steve! Where'd he go? Magnum.
Magnum! Magnum! Hi, Higgins.
How fiendishly deceptive, Magnum.
I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent.
To my surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.
Cute, Higgins.
Real cute.
Why, Magnum? Why do this terrible thing? I used to be good.
I was second best sax player in my high school band.
How many sax players were there? Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to get my chops back.
May I suggest that your chops are irretrievable? Did you come here just to abuse me? No.
I came on two accounts.
First, reimbursement for Mr.
Masters' telescope which you destroyed on your last case.
I still don't understand how it could have melted.
That requires a temperature of 1,300 degrees centigrade.
That's 2,372 degrees Fahrenheit, if you need a conversion.
I told you.
The guy had a blowtorch.
I can't pay you because I haven't been paid.
- But you bought the saxophone.
- That's right.
Let me understand.
You have not been remunerated for your last case? Correct.
But you admit you owe the estate $408 for the destruction of the telescope? Absolutely.
I can explain.
It's all perfectly logical.
Now, I owe the estate $408, right? - We've established that.
- OK.
The saxophone only cost 120.
That's all the money I had, so I couldn't pay back the estate anyway.
You said you came on two accounts.
Yes Forgive me for intruding but we are in a hurry.
- Benton Quirk, Wilson MacLeish's attorney.
- Thomas Magnum.
- You knew Wilson MacLeish? - I did a case for him.
I was sorry to hear about the accident.
What can I do for you? Would you accompany me? - Accompany you where? - To the reading of Mr.
MacLeish's will.
He was still so young.
So full of life.
I remember when he was a boy.
All us cousins used to get together at Christmas time and sing carols.
Silent Night Yeah.
Silent Night was Wilson's favorite.
# Silent night # # Holy night # All is calm # All is - # All is # - Bright.
Thank you.
# bright # - # Round yon # - Oh, turn off the tap, Marina! Tears won't do you any good now.
Besides, you never could sing.
I can't believe you, Tony.
You are so cold.
- I mean, after all, he was your brother.
- Half-brother.
And it's easy to be cold.
Wilson's mother was married to a MacLeish.
Mine wasn't.
- You sit there.
- It's about time, Benton.
Sorry we're late.
Thank you all for coming.
This is perhaps a bit unorthodox, but it was stipulated by the deceased.
Forel Whoopsl Too hard.
OK.
Take two.
Howdy doody, partners.
It's giveaway time, guys, so let's not waste any time, shall we? - What is this? - Mr.
MacLeish wanted to read his will.
I have the proper documents to corroborate it.
I'm gonna get serious now.
I hope you don't mind.
I, Wilson Oliver MacLeish, being of sound mind and memory and not acting under duress, menace or undue influence, do make, publish and declare this, my last will and testament.
To my faithful manservant, Cariton, I bequeath the sum of $40,000 and my collection of English hunting prints.
Oh.
How generous.
To my gardener, Hiroshi Takai, I bequeath the sum of $10,000 and the pickup truck which I purchased for his use.
Oh, beautiful.
To my loyal housekeeper, Ruth Steelman, I bequeath the sum of $10,000 and the small Rodin bronze in my sitting room.
OK, Ruth? Isn't there anything about family members? - Tony - He's coming to that.
Nowfor my beloved family.
To my illegitimate half-brother, Anthony Silvano, in order to help him maintain the façade that's so important to him, I bequeath my complete wardrobe of dress clothes, including my matching velvet pumps.
- Is that all? - No.
You also get my bubblegum trading card collection of the 1959 Washington Senators, including a baseball personally signed by Hoyt Wilhelm.
He can't be serious.
This is a joke.
You're lucky you're dead! Same to you.
To my nephew, Simon MacLeish, who worries over every single penny, I bequeath the sum of $500 for the purchase of an adding machine.
What? Batteries not included.
To my cousin, Marina Pepesco who has tried so unsuccessfully and so often to marry money, I bequeath a membership in the Software Computer Dating Club and a year of ballroom dancing lessons at the studio of her choice.
There must be some mistake.
- He must have been - No, Marina.
I was not drunk when I made the will.
But I'll bet you will be in about an hour? How dare he? After everything! How dare he? Oh, sit down, Marina.
Theatrics will not get you another dime.
The remainder of my estate, including all cash, properties, bonds, artworks and household pets, I bequeath to Mr.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum.
Aloha.
- I have to live here? - Yes.
The will stipulates that Mr.
Magnum take up immediate residence and retain the current staff for at least one year.
This is ridiculous.
You're gonna tell me he left all his money, $50 million, to a total stranger? Not quite a stranger.
Mr.
Magnum performed a service for Mr.
MacLeish who, evidently, was quite satisfied.
Cariton, sir.
I look forward to serving you.
- Hi, Mr.
Cariton - Save all of that, buster.
- I won't let this sit.
- We'll contest the will.
- Wait a minute.
- You bet your No, wait a minute.
This came as just as much of a surprise to me - Sure.
Big surprise.
- I hardly knew the man.
- Well enough to fix the will.
- You cheat.
I did not fix any will and I'm not trying to cheat anybody.
Fine.
Will you then forthwith renounce all claim to the estate? - I don't know.
- Just as I thought.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
We can work something out.
Something fair.
It's $50 million.
$50 million I mean, they do have a point.
- It's for the courts to decide.
- We'll see you there, pal.
Yeah.
You got it? - Excuse us.
- Of course.
Mr.
MacLeish also wanted you to have this videotape.
I don't know what's on it, but he left instructions that you were not to look at it until after you moved in.
Congratulations, Mr.
Magnum.
And, uh, if you ever need my services "Benton Quirk".
No, wait! I do have some Mr.
Magnum, I hope you will forgive my presumption.
May I? What? Your hat, sir.
Oh.
You are not accustomed to all this.
Accustomed to having money.
- Are you? - Sort of.
Well, not exactly.
I mean, not my own money.
It's no crime, sir.
May I? Your coat, please.
You simply need different sensibilities.
Mr.
Magnum, may I show you some things? This way, sir.
$50 million! A Van Gogh Picasso Monet and a Renoir.
Wilson's father had genuine taste in art.
Wilson himself preferred pictures of little children with big eyes.
The art in the house is worth over $10 million, not to mention the Chinese porcelain, the silver, the MacLeish stamp collection and even Wilson's gun collection.
It's amazing that one who was so miserable a shot should take such a rabid interest in firearms.
Excuse me.
There you are, sir.
- That's a 17th-century duelling piece.
- A Lipscomb.
- May I? - They're all yours now, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Another of Wilson MacLeish's legacies.
He fancied himself a peerless practical joker.
As you can see, I'm dying laughing.
Of course.
This, however, is my favorite.
A Colt.
45, vintage 1860.
There we are.
Excuse me, sir.
The latest appraisal of the entire collection was $600,000, but that was years ago and I'm sure the value has risen since then.
This is just a part of the fortune.
It's all yours and others will try to get a piece of it any way they can.
OK, this is all quite weird.
Now you can tell me why he left it to me.
Actually, I've no idea, sir.
Other than the fact that Mr.
MacLeish found in you an honest man who did not take advantage of him.
He may have decided to reward you at the expense of his relatives.
I suppose that would be his ultimate practical joke.
There's no question that your benefactor was capricious, even cruel.
This way, sir.
To be quite honest with you, I'm not sure that Mr.
MacLeish's death was an accident.
- Do the police know that? - Oh, I have no evidence.
Only intuition.
I'm not particularly metaphysical, but there always seemed to be something evil here - in this house.
Perhaps I'm just a bit superstitious, what with all the deaths.
Deaths? Yes.
For all their money, the McLeishs tend to die young and unpleasantly.
However, I'm sure you'll break that tradition.
After all, you're not a MacLeish.
By the way, sir.
The caterer called regarding the masquerade ball.
- Masquerade ball? - Mr.
MacLeish held one every year.
In the ballroom.
It's a tradition, sir.
You are now the head of this house.
- I don't know.
- It is expected.
Oh-ho, here are Tristan and Isolde.
Mr.
MacLeish's only friends.
Now they're yours.
It's quite odd.
They're usually quite friendly.
Will you be moving in any pets of your own? Oh, yes, absolutely.
We are taking that.
- Let me relieve you.
- Thank you.
What the bloody hell is going on? I'm moving out.
- You're what? - I'm moving out.
Well that's certainly delightful news, Magnum, but isn't it unfeasible? You can't even afford to replace Mr.
Masters' telescope.
I had a windfall.
A few crumpled dollar bills found in a pocket, or has this gentleman taken you in? - Quite the reverse, actually.
- Oh, Cariton this is Higgins.
He's the major-domo around here.
Higgins, this is Cariton.
He's my friend.
You don't have to make excuses, sir.
I'm Mr.
Magnum's manservant.
Really, Magnum, the lengths you'll go to for a joke.
How did you acquire this manservant? I inherited him.
Yes, of course.
The will.
I suppose you inherited the entire MacLeish fortune? Just about.
Congratulations, old buddy.
I always knew my boy would make good.
Perfect.
The supporting players.
You can finish without the audience.
I have more important things to do I say, Higgins, if you're leaving, would you lend a hand? - There's a good chap.
- What? I say that I would appreciate a little bit of brotherly assistance.
If there is the slightest validity to what I am witnessing, I can now be certain that our creator is not only indifferent, he is cruel.
- Not very sporting of him, eh, what? - I'll help you with the bags.
No, sir.
I can manage - however many trips.
I'm sorry.
Cariton, this is Orville Wright.
- Sir.
- No, this is Orville.
This is Theodore Calvin.
- Might you? - Yeah, sure.
- Thank you very much.
- A gentleman's gentleman.
I'm not gonna come down on you like a vulture.
- Guys - Neither am I.
In fact, I'm gonna destroy the past.
Your bar tabs.
Your gas bills - they are ancient history.
- I want you to think about tax shelters - Rick - You ought to invest in aviation, tourism.
- T.
C.
- Can I fly you somewhere? - Run down some plates? Guys, wait, please! This is very disappointing.
What? All this hustle.
But maybe we can work something out.
I'll have my financial advisers get in touch with you next week.
Financial advisers? We're your buddies.
- Yeah.
- Of course you are.
But things have been so hectic lately that, frankly, all I want to do is go home to my nice, great big house and have a little drinky-poo and watch some telly.
Ta.
I know what you're thinking.
Wilson MacLeish leaving me $50 million was a practical joke.
I had the feeling the real reason was on the tape that he left me.
I hoped it wasn't so funny that I was gonna be left in stitches.
How's the whisky, Magnum? That's OK.
It's good stuff.
You deserve it.
If you're sitting in my favorite chair with your feet on the ottoman, that means you've really moved in.
Congratulations.
It also means that I've been murdered.
One of my relatives did it for the inheritance.
But I fooled him or her.
I gave it to you.
And now I want you to find out which one of them it was.
You owe it to me, Magnum.
Or may I put it another way? This $50 million is the biggest fee you'll ever get.
- Guess who? - Aargh! Surprised you.
You certainly did.
How did you get in? Uh, Wilson gave me this.
I thought that tonight would be a good time to return it.
It's, uh Cariton's night off, isn't it? Yes, it is.
So there.
Your house is now impenetrable.
Almost.
You know, from the moment I first met you, I thought we could become friends.
How about making me a drink? Oh, well I'm tired.
I was gonna go straight to bed.
How convenient.
Look, maybe we could have lunch sometime.
Well, Mr.
Magnum if we go to court over the will, it could tie the assets up for an awfully long time.
So, what I would really like to do is work something out.
You know? Just between you and me.
- What about your cousins? - What they don't know Won't hurt them? I thought you might say that.
Why don't I make you that drink? Scotch.
Marina what if I told you that Wilson might have been murdered? Murdered? How dreadful.
Do you have any idea who might want to kill him? Simon or Tony.
Either one would have done it for the inheritance.
They expected to be well remembered? We all did.
You're not implying that I might have killed Wilson? No.
You just did.
Marina you've seen too many Bette Davis movies.
He was my cousin, damn it! I'm entitled to some of the fortune, not you! Why, I practically grew up in this house! Then you'll know how to let yourself out.
The house was old, but comfortable if you liked sleeping in gymnasiums.
That's why when the lights went out, I knew something was up.
Of course, I was prepared.
Aargh! Cut it out! Just cut it out! Aloha.
Aargh! How did they know you'd hit that step? That's about as clever as you can get.
- Maybe they didn't.
- You think it was luck? - Sure.
Bad luck - just an accident.
- Oh, come on, Thomas.
It's an old house.
Lights can go out, floorboards can give way.
Yeah, and things can go bump in the night.
That's a murder attempt if I ever saw one.
Yeah? Then why didn't they try to finish me off? It's supposed to look accidental.
- I wonder what they'll try next.
- Rick?! I saw a movie when they killed this guy.
They threw an electric lawnmower in the bathtub - bzzt! It fried him just like that.
You better take showers.
- Guys.
- Stay out of the kitchen too.
All sorts of things can happen in there.
- Gas, poisoning, garbage disposal.
- Garbage disposal? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Look on the bright side - at least nobody's shooting at you.
- This is Mr.
Magnum.
- Hello.
Hello.
So glad you could come.
Oh, Mr.
Magnum, I knew we should not have oiled this visor.
Très bien, Your Majesty.
And it's so good to see Her Majesty.
You look divine.
Just divine.
He got my costume.
I'm not gonna forgive him for this.
Oui.
You will pay for this.
You will pay for this.
You will both pay for this.
Higgins! You came! I see wealth hasn't dimmed your perspicacity.
- My what? - Never mind.
I'm sure you remember Cariton.
Higgins.
- How do you do? - Very well, thank you.
The reason I'm here - the only reason I'm here - is that I'm duty-bound by the charities involved.
Of course.
Now, however difficult this may be for me to say, I have always found in you well character.
I think you will do right by this inheritance.
Thank you, Higgins.
I intend to.
Good.
I'll call you tomorrow to discuss your contributions.
We gotta do something about that dummy Magnum.
We are.
I filed suit this morning.
That'll only take forever.
Wilson really stuck it to us this time.
You know, I always hated that jerk.
When we were kids I loaned him my Johnny Ray records and he never gave them back.
I always figured that's OK because he's my brother kinda.
I figured he'd always take care of me, you know what I mean? I wish I had those records back.
With $50 million you can buy all the records you want.
Simon, I need a drink.
Thank you.
Maybe you should try and get to know Magnum a little better.
I'll bet she already has.
Cariton try not to be obvious, but take a look at that Grim Reaper over there.
Do you remember him coming in? No, sir.
- Any idea who he is? - None.
Shall I ask to see his invitation? No.
I will.
- What about the guests? - Let them eat cake.
All right.
Put the papers down.
Now take off the mask.
You'll have to do it for the police.
You do it.
Come back here! Help! Help! Help! One shouldn't lie down in a suit of armor.
It's impossible to get up.
I did not lie down, I was knocked down.
I read about a knight in the Crusades who was chasing a Saracen woman.
He fell on his back while amorously aroused and starved to death.
Help me up before he gets away.
- Who? - The Grim Reaper.
- He was stealing from the safe.
- How bizarre.
Higgins! Aargh! Aargh! Agh! Aargh! Where am I? Where am I? Magnum? Higgins, where did he go? I still can't figure out how the Grim Reaper got outta here.
Seems obvious.
Yeah.
He scampered up the wall and out that little window.
- Not at all.
- What then? He broke down his molecular structure and beamed himself to Waikiki? Magnum, it's so simple.
A house of this period, designed, I believe, by LeVassier - almost a standard fixture.
A secret panel à la Bela Lugosi? Come on.
Precisely.
The only problem is finding it.
It might take some time.
Bubbly? Devigny Père et Fils '53.
Last case left in the worid.
Wilson MacLeish.
In the flesh.
- Why? - Neat trick, huh? Hated to trash the plane, but c'est la vie.
The best part was my funeral.
Seeing all the gang, the crocodile tears, phony speeches.
I loved it.
Hell, even the party was fun, man.
Remind me to change the caterer, though.
- Why? - Because the food was terrible, man.
That's not what Magnum means.
He wants to know why you did it.
I suspected one of my relatives was out to get me.
Maybe I'm paranoid but I had to find out.
So you made me a target? I thought you could catch the one and then I'd reappear.
I'm sorry about your leg, pal.
That was me with the lights.
Got some wires crossed.
It's an old house.
Why risk showing yourself tonight? Partly to listen in on my relatives and because I made one mistake.
I left the real will in the safe! I knew Cariton would find out.
He knows everything, the meddling idiot.
He knows now you weren't leaving him zip.
Big deal.
He gets a pay check, room and board.
Anyway, what do you think? Which one was out to get me? I doubt if they were.
But if they were, I sure as hell wouldn't blame them.
Magnum.
Higgins, look at the way he uses people, like more of his possessions.
Cariton, his family, his relatives.
They don't seem to mind.
Well, they can't afford to.
But I mind.
I mind a whole lot! - You set me up like a sitting duck.
- You had a good week.
That's not the point! Oh, I get it.
You were sore about the money.
You didn't really think I would leave you $50 million? That's not the point either! The point is you are a worthless human being.
Let's not be bitter about this.
I'm gonna do right by you.
What do you say to 25 big ones? OK.
50.
That'll buy a lot of Mai Tais.
- I'll settle for this.
- What? - Magnum, don't.
He's not worth it.
- Of course I'm not.
Really! No.
You can always drink Mai Tais.
I had the perfect investment.
A $4 million condo deal on Bora Bora.
I take a finder's fee of that and it's - It's $240,000.
- Lost.
That's just like you, Orville, always thinking about yourself.
- Now, me - Hi, guys.
Don't "Hi, guys" us.
You owe the club a lot of money.
I thought you were destroying the past.
I just decided to reconstruct it.
- And don't forget your gas bills either.
- T.
C - Don't look for sympathy.
- Let's get out of here.
You can buy us a drink.
Your manservant ain't serving today.
You go ahead.
I'll meet you at the club.
- Why? - Well I just wanted to have one last look at the place.
You know, guys for a while there, it was sorta nice.
Nothing.
No thing at all.
You were leaving me nothing.
That's not true.
That's why I was taking the will out of the safe.
I realized that I'd overlooked you.
I was gonna call Quirk and put you in.
- I'm telling it like it is.
- Please.
"Tell it as it is.
" Don't die with wretched grammar.
OK.
As it is, pal.
Good.
Do you know how long I've worked for you? - Sure.
15 years.
15 years or so - 25.
I tolerated your humor, I endured your jokes, I put you to bed when you were drunk, I fixed it with that Hungarian acrobat I know.
Hey, hey.
Now, she was really good.
But not once did you ever thank me.
I suppose I didn't really expect thanks from you.
Hey, I - I - I said thank you.
I remember that.
A bunch of times! What I expected, however, was just a little something in the will.
Just a little something.
Whether or not I lived to get it, wouldn't matter, but to know that it was there.
It'll be there.
I swear it'll be there.
And I swear, Mr.
MacLeish, that it is too late.
There'll be a whole lot more.
As much as you want.
Anything you want.
Gimme a break! - Too late.
- Cariton! - Don't do it.
- Magnum, thank God.
Mr.
Magnum, stay out of this.
- Give me the gun.
- Stay where you are.
Sir, don't come any closer.
- I shouldn't like to kill you too.
- I don't think you will.
Very well.
You shouldn't have stopped me.
He's treated you as he treated everyone else.
Worse, he made you a target.
- I can handle it.
- You won't regret it, I promise.
Mr.
Magnum, do you realize if you kill him, you keep the fortune, everything? Cariton, you're fired.
Isn't it ironic that if you save his life, you lose everything? You'll never work again.
What a wretched and short-sighted morality you have.
OK, Cariton, I'm gonna have you arrested! - Shut up! - Magnum - Do it.
Do it.
- You wouldn't? You really think you'd be missed by anyone? - That isn't the point.
- Isn't it? All you have to prove your worth, is the friends you leave behind.
- I'm sorry about your leg, pal.
- And you don't seem to have any.
You give people a motive, Wilson, they might just kill you.
- You won't get away with this.
- I won't tell anybody.
Well, you just No.
No! You know, Cariton, I just cannot resist a good practical joke.
- Join me for a drink? - It'll be my pleasure, sir.
Magnum's manservant.
I'm moving out.
I'll have my financial advisers get in touch with you.
Financial advisers? Oui.
You will pay for this.
Aargh! - I was gonna go straight to bed.
- How convenient.
There's no question that your benefactor was cruel.
There always seemed to be something evil here.
I personally checked out your new aircraft, sir.
- No bombs, huh? - No, sir.
Cariton, sometimes I don't think you have a sense of humor.
You know what they say about the British.
I've been known to enjoy a good joke.
Hey, what's this? You been sneaking food again, huh? I'll get that sense of humor yet, Mr.
MacLeish.
- Simon.
- Cariton.
What do you want? As estate bursar, I must protest your purchase of this toy.
It's not a toy.
It's stressed for seven Gs positive and three negative.
- You can't afford it, sir.
- I've already paid for it.
You're spending principal.
Principal? Interest? So what? The difference, Uncle Wilson, is that you are destroying a fortune.
A fortune that took this family generations to build.
It's mine to destroy if I want to, isn't it? Yes, but there are other people to consider.
Are you afraid there won't be any of the pie left for you? Don't worry.
There'll be something in the will.
You did check for bombs? Yes, sir.
I went over the plane with the proverbial fine tooth comb.
Well, ta-ta.
Sir? About Sunday - What about it? - I mentioned it.
My godson's baptism.
I need you on the skeet range.
Have Simon give the little nipper a sawbuck on me.
Aloha.
Hey, Steve! Where'd he go? Magnum.
Magnum! Magnum! Hi, Higgins.
How fiendishly deceptive, Magnum.
I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent.
To my surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.
Cute, Higgins.
Real cute.
Why, Magnum? Why do this terrible thing? I used to be good.
I was second best sax player in my high school band.
How many sax players were there? Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to get my chops back.
May I suggest that your chops are irretrievable? Did you come here just to abuse me? No.
I came on two accounts.
First, reimbursement for Mr.
Masters' telescope which you destroyed on your last case.
I still don't understand how it could have melted.
That requires a temperature of 1,300 degrees centigrade.
That's 2,372 degrees Fahrenheit, if you need a conversion.
I told you.
The guy had a blowtorch.
I can't pay you because I haven't been paid.
- But you bought the saxophone.
- That's right.
Let me understand.
You have not been remunerated for your last case? Correct.
But you admit you owe the estate $408 for the destruction of the telescope? Absolutely.
I can explain.
It's all perfectly logical.
Now, I owe the estate $408, right? - We've established that.
- OK.
The saxophone only cost 120.
That's all the money I had, so I couldn't pay back the estate anyway.
You said you came on two accounts.
Yes Forgive me for intruding but we are in a hurry.
- Benton Quirk, Wilson MacLeish's attorney.
- Thomas Magnum.
- You knew Wilson MacLeish? - I did a case for him.
I was sorry to hear about the accident.
What can I do for you? Would you accompany me? - Accompany you where? - To the reading of Mr.
MacLeish's will.
He was still so young.
So full of life.
I remember when he was a boy.
All us cousins used to get together at Christmas time and sing carols.
Silent Night Yeah.
Silent Night was Wilson's favorite.
# Silent night # # Holy night # All is calm # All is - # All is # - Bright.
Thank you.
# bright # - # Round yon # - Oh, turn off the tap, Marina! Tears won't do you any good now.
Besides, you never could sing.
I can't believe you, Tony.
You are so cold.
- I mean, after all, he was your brother.
- Half-brother.
And it's easy to be cold.
Wilson's mother was married to a MacLeish.
Mine wasn't.
- You sit there.
- It's about time, Benton.
Sorry we're late.
Thank you all for coming.
This is perhaps a bit unorthodox, but it was stipulated by the deceased.
Forel Whoopsl Too hard.
OK.
Take two.
Howdy doody, partners.
It's giveaway time, guys, so let's not waste any time, shall we? - What is this? - Mr.
MacLeish wanted to read his will.
I have the proper documents to corroborate it.
I'm gonna get serious now.
I hope you don't mind.
I, Wilson Oliver MacLeish, being of sound mind and memory and not acting under duress, menace or undue influence, do make, publish and declare this, my last will and testament.
To my faithful manservant, Cariton, I bequeath the sum of $40,000 and my collection of English hunting prints.
Oh.
How generous.
To my gardener, Hiroshi Takai, I bequeath the sum of $10,000 and the pickup truck which I purchased for his use.
Oh, beautiful.
To my loyal housekeeper, Ruth Steelman, I bequeath the sum of $10,000 and the small Rodin bronze in my sitting room.
OK, Ruth? Isn't there anything about family members? - Tony - He's coming to that.
Nowfor my beloved family.
To my illegitimate half-brother, Anthony Silvano, in order to help him maintain the façade that's so important to him, I bequeath my complete wardrobe of dress clothes, including my matching velvet pumps.
- Is that all? - No.
You also get my bubblegum trading card collection of the 1959 Washington Senators, including a baseball personally signed by Hoyt Wilhelm.
He can't be serious.
This is a joke.
You're lucky you're dead! Same to you.
To my nephew, Simon MacLeish, who worries over every single penny, I bequeath the sum of $500 for the purchase of an adding machine.
What? Batteries not included.
To my cousin, Marina Pepesco who has tried so unsuccessfully and so often to marry money, I bequeath a membership in the Software Computer Dating Club and a year of ballroom dancing lessons at the studio of her choice.
There must be some mistake.
- He must have been - No, Marina.
I was not drunk when I made the will.
But I'll bet you will be in about an hour? How dare he? After everything! How dare he? Oh, sit down, Marina.
Theatrics will not get you another dime.
The remainder of my estate, including all cash, properties, bonds, artworks and household pets, I bequeath to Mr.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum.
Aloha.
- I have to live here? - Yes.
The will stipulates that Mr.
Magnum take up immediate residence and retain the current staff for at least one year.
This is ridiculous.
You're gonna tell me he left all his money, $50 million, to a total stranger? Not quite a stranger.
Mr.
Magnum performed a service for Mr.
MacLeish who, evidently, was quite satisfied.
Cariton, sir.
I look forward to serving you.
- Hi, Mr.
Cariton - Save all of that, buster.
- I won't let this sit.
- We'll contest the will.
- Wait a minute.
- You bet your No, wait a minute.
This came as just as much of a surprise to me - Sure.
Big surprise.
- I hardly knew the man.
- Well enough to fix the will.
- You cheat.
I did not fix any will and I'm not trying to cheat anybody.
Fine.
Will you then forthwith renounce all claim to the estate? - I don't know.
- Just as I thought.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
We can work something out.
Something fair.
It's $50 million.
$50 million I mean, they do have a point.
- It's for the courts to decide.
- We'll see you there, pal.
Yeah.
You got it? - Excuse us.
- Of course.
Mr.
MacLeish also wanted you to have this videotape.
I don't know what's on it, but he left instructions that you were not to look at it until after you moved in.
Congratulations, Mr.
Magnum.
And, uh, if you ever need my services "Benton Quirk".
No, wait! I do have some Mr.
Magnum, I hope you will forgive my presumption.
May I? What? Your hat, sir.
Oh.
You are not accustomed to all this.
Accustomed to having money.
- Are you? - Sort of.
Well, not exactly.
I mean, not my own money.
It's no crime, sir.
May I? Your coat, please.
You simply need different sensibilities.
Mr.
Magnum, may I show you some things? This way, sir.
$50 million! A Van Gogh Picasso Monet and a Renoir.
Wilson's father had genuine taste in art.
Wilson himself preferred pictures of little children with big eyes.
The art in the house is worth over $10 million, not to mention the Chinese porcelain, the silver, the MacLeish stamp collection and even Wilson's gun collection.
It's amazing that one who was so miserable a shot should take such a rabid interest in firearms.
Excuse me.
There you are, sir.
- That's a 17th-century duelling piece.
- A Lipscomb.
- May I? - They're all yours now, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Another of Wilson MacLeish's legacies.
He fancied himself a peerless practical joker.
As you can see, I'm dying laughing.
Of course.
This, however, is my favorite.
A Colt.
45, vintage 1860.
There we are.
Excuse me, sir.
The latest appraisal of the entire collection was $600,000, but that was years ago and I'm sure the value has risen since then.
This is just a part of the fortune.
It's all yours and others will try to get a piece of it any way they can.
OK, this is all quite weird.
Now you can tell me why he left it to me.
Actually, I've no idea, sir.
Other than the fact that Mr.
MacLeish found in you an honest man who did not take advantage of him.
He may have decided to reward you at the expense of his relatives.
I suppose that would be his ultimate practical joke.
There's no question that your benefactor was capricious, even cruel.
This way, sir.
To be quite honest with you, I'm not sure that Mr.
MacLeish's death was an accident.
- Do the police know that? - Oh, I have no evidence.
Only intuition.
I'm not particularly metaphysical, but there always seemed to be something evil here - in this house.
Perhaps I'm just a bit superstitious, what with all the deaths.
Deaths? Yes.
For all their money, the McLeishs tend to die young and unpleasantly.
However, I'm sure you'll break that tradition.
After all, you're not a MacLeish.
By the way, sir.
The caterer called regarding the masquerade ball.
- Masquerade ball? - Mr.
MacLeish held one every year.
In the ballroom.
It's a tradition, sir.
You are now the head of this house.
- I don't know.
- It is expected.
Oh-ho, here are Tristan and Isolde.
Mr.
MacLeish's only friends.
Now they're yours.
It's quite odd.
They're usually quite friendly.
Will you be moving in any pets of your own? Oh, yes, absolutely.
We are taking that.
- Let me relieve you.
- Thank you.
What the bloody hell is going on? I'm moving out.
- You're what? - I'm moving out.
Well that's certainly delightful news, Magnum, but isn't it unfeasible? You can't even afford to replace Mr.
Masters' telescope.
I had a windfall.
A few crumpled dollar bills found in a pocket, or has this gentleman taken you in? - Quite the reverse, actually.
- Oh, Cariton this is Higgins.
He's the major-domo around here.
Higgins, this is Cariton.
He's my friend.
You don't have to make excuses, sir.
I'm Mr.
Magnum's manservant.
Really, Magnum, the lengths you'll go to for a joke.
How did you acquire this manservant? I inherited him.
Yes, of course.
The will.
I suppose you inherited the entire MacLeish fortune? Just about.
Congratulations, old buddy.
I always knew my boy would make good.
Perfect.
The supporting players.
You can finish without the audience.
I have more important things to do I say, Higgins, if you're leaving, would you lend a hand? - There's a good chap.
- What? I say that I would appreciate a little bit of brotherly assistance.
If there is the slightest validity to what I am witnessing, I can now be certain that our creator is not only indifferent, he is cruel.
- Not very sporting of him, eh, what? - I'll help you with the bags.
No, sir.
I can manage - however many trips.
I'm sorry.
Cariton, this is Orville Wright.
- Sir.
- No, this is Orville.
This is Theodore Calvin.
- Might you? - Yeah, sure.
- Thank you very much.
- A gentleman's gentleman.
I'm not gonna come down on you like a vulture.
- Guys - Neither am I.
In fact, I'm gonna destroy the past.
Your bar tabs.
Your gas bills - they are ancient history.
- I want you to think about tax shelters - Rick - You ought to invest in aviation, tourism.
- T.
C.
- Can I fly you somewhere? - Run down some plates? Guys, wait, please! This is very disappointing.
What? All this hustle.
But maybe we can work something out.
I'll have my financial advisers get in touch with you next week.
Financial advisers? We're your buddies.
- Yeah.
- Of course you are.
But things have been so hectic lately that, frankly, all I want to do is go home to my nice, great big house and have a little drinky-poo and watch some telly.
Ta.
I know what you're thinking.
Wilson MacLeish leaving me $50 million was a practical joke.
I had the feeling the real reason was on the tape that he left me.
I hoped it wasn't so funny that I was gonna be left in stitches.
How's the whisky, Magnum? That's OK.
It's good stuff.
You deserve it.
If you're sitting in my favorite chair with your feet on the ottoman, that means you've really moved in.
Congratulations.
It also means that I've been murdered.
One of my relatives did it for the inheritance.
But I fooled him or her.
I gave it to you.
And now I want you to find out which one of them it was.
You owe it to me, Magnum.
Or may I put it another way? This $50 million is the biggest fee you'll ever get.
- Guess who? - Aargh! Surprised you.
You certainly did.
How did you get in? Uh, Wilson gave me this.
I thought that tonight would be a good time to return it.
It's, uh Cariton's night off, isn't it? Yes, it is.
So there.
Your house is now impenetrable.
Almost.
You know, from the moment I first met you, I thought we could become friends.
How about making me a drink? Oh, well I'm tired.
I was gonna go straight to bed.
How convenient.
Look, maybe we could have lunch sometime.
Well, Mr.
Magnum if we go to court over the will, it could tie the assets up for an awfully long time.
So, what I would really like to do is work something out.
You know? Just between you and me.
- What about your cousins? - What they don't know Won't hurt them? I thought you might say that.
Why don't I make you that drink? Scotch.
Marina what if I told you that Wilson might have been murdered? Murdered? How dreadful.
Do you have any idea who might want to kill him? Simon or Tony.
Either one would have done it for the inheritance.
They expected to be well remembered? We all did.
You're not implying that I might have killed Wilson? No.
You just did.
Marina you've seen too many Bette Davis movies.
He was my cousin, damn it! I'm entitled to some of the fortune, not you! Why, I practically grew up in this house! Then you'll know how to let yourself out.
The house was old, but comfortable if you liked sleeping in gymnasiums.
That's why when the lights went out, I knew something was up.
Of course, I was prepared.
Aargh! Cut it out! Just cut it out! Aloha.
Aargh! How did they know you'd hit that step? That's about as clever as you can get.
- Maybe they didn't.
- You think it was luck? - Sure.
Bad luck - just an accident.
- Oh, come on, Thomas.
It's an old house.
Lights can go out, floorboards can give way.
Yeah, and things can go bump in the night.
That's a murder attempt if I ever saw one.
Yeah? Then why didn't they try to finish me off? It's supposed to look accidental.
- I wonder what they'll try next.
- Rick?! I saw a movie when they killed this guy.
They threw an electric lawnmower in the bathtub - bzzt! It fried him just like that.
You better take showers.
- Guys.
- Stay out of the kitchen too.
All sorts of things can happen in there.
- Gas, poisoning, garbage disposal.
- Garbage disposal? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Look on the bright side - at least nobody's shooting at you.
- This is Mr.
Magnum.
- Hello.
Hello.
So glad you could come.
Oh, Mr.
Magnum, I knew we should not have oiled this visor.
Très bien, Your Majesty.
And it's so good to see Her Majesty.
You look divine.
Just divine.
He got my costume.
I'm not gonna forgive him for this.
Oui.
You will pay for this.
You will pay for this.
You will both pay for this.
Higgins! You came! I see wealth hasn't dimmed your perspicacity.
- My what? - Never mind.
I'm sure you remember Cariton.
Higgins.
- How do you do? - Very well, thank you.
The reason I'm here - the only reason I'm here - is that I'm duty-bound by the charities involved.
Of course.
Now, however difficult this may be for me to say, I have always found in you well character.
I think you will do right by this inheritance.
Thank you, Higgins.
I intend to.
Good.
I'll call you tomorrow to discuss your contributions.
We gotta do something about that dummy Magnum.
We are.
I filed suit this morning.
That'll only take forever.
Wilson really stuck it to us this time.
You know, I always hated that jerk.
When we were kids I loaned him my Johnny Ray records and he never gave them back.
I always figured that's OK because he's my brother kinda.
I figured he'd always take care of me, you know what I mean? I wish I had those records back.
With $50 million you can buy all the records you want.
Simon, I need a drink.
Thank you.
Maybe you should try and get to know Magnum a little better.
I'll bet she already has.
Cariton try not to be obvious, but take a look at that Grim Reaper over there.
Do you remember him coming in? No, sir.
- Any idea who he is? - None.
Shall I ask to see his invitation? No.
I will.
- What about the guests? - Let them eat cake.
All right.
Put the papers down.
Now take off the mask.
You'll have to do it for the police.
You do it.
Come back here! Help! Help! Help! One shouldn't lie down in a suit of armor.
It's impossible to get up.
I did not lie down, I was knocked down.
I read about a knight in the Crusades who was chasing a Saracen woman.
He fell on his back while amorously aroused and starved to death.
Help me up before he gets away.
- Who? - The Grim Reaper.
- He was stealing from the safe.
- How bizarre.
Higgins! Aargh! Aargh! Agh! Aargh! Where am I? Where am I? Magnum? Higgins, where did he go? I still can't figure out how the Grim Reaper got outta here.
Seems obvious.
Yeah.
He scampered up the wall and out that little window.
- Not at all.
- What then? He broke down his molecular structure and beamed himself to Waikiki? Magnum, it's so simple.
A house of this period, designed, I believe, by LeVassier - almost a standard fixture.
A secret panel à la Bela Lugosi? Come on.
Precisely.
The only problem is finding it.
It might take some time.
Bubbly? Devigny Père et Fils '53.
Last case left in the worid.
Wilson MacLeish.
In the flesh.
- Why? - Neat trick, huh? Hated to trash the plane, but c'est la vie.
The best part was my funeral.
Seeing all the gang, the crocodile tears, phony speeches.
I loved it.
Hell, even the party was fun, man.
Remind me to change the caterer, though.
- Why? - Because the food was terrible, man.
That's not what Magnum means.
He wants to know why you did it.
I suspected one of my relatives was out to get me.
Maybe I'm paranoid but I had to find out.
So you made me a target? I thought you could catch the one and then I'd reappear.
I'm sorry about your leg, pal.
That was me with the lights.
Got some wires crossed.
It's an old house.
Why risk showing yourself tonight? Partly to listen in on my relatives and because I made one mistake.
I left the real will in the safe! I knew Cariton would find out.
He knows everything, the meddling idiot.
He knows now you weren't leaving him zip.
Big deal.
He gets a pay check, room and board.
Anyway, what do you think? Which one was out to get me? I doubt if they were.
But if they were, I sure as hell wouldn't blame them.
Magnum.
Higgins, look at the way he uses people, like more of his possessions.
Cariton, his family, his relatives.
They don't seem to mind.
Well, they can't afford to.
But I mind.
I mind a whole lot! - You set me up like a sitting duck.
- You had a good week.
That's not the point! Oh, I get it.
You were sore about the money.
You didn't really think I would leave you $50 million? That's not the point either! The point is you are a worthless human being.
Let's not be bitter about this.
I'm gonna do right by you.
What do you say to 25 big ones? OK.
50.
That'll buy a lot of Mai Tais.
- I'll settle for this.
- What? - Magnum, don't.
He's not worth it.
- Of course I'm not.
Really! No.
You can always drink Mai Tais.
I had the perfect investment.
A $4 million condo deal on Bora Bora.
I take a finder's fee of that and it's - It's $240,000.
- Lost.
That's just like you, Orville, always thinking about yourself.
- Now, me - Hi, guys.
Don't "Hi, guys" us.
You owe the club a lot of money.
I thought you were destroying the past.
I just decided to reconstruct it.
- And don't forget your gas bills either.
- T.
C - Don't look for sympathy.
- Let's get out of here.
You can buy us a drink.
Your manservant ain't serving today.
You go ahead.
I'll meet you at the club.
- Why? - Well I just wanted to have one last look at the place.
You know, guys for a while there, it was sorta nice.
Nothing.
No thing at all.
You were leaving me nothing.
That's not true.
That's why I was taking the will out of the safe.
I realized that I'd overlooked you.
I was gonna call Quirk and put you in.
- I'm telling it like it is.
- Please.
"Tell it as it is.
" Don't die with wretched grammar.
OK.
As it is, pal.
Good.
Do you know how long I've worked for you? - Sure.
15 years.
15 years or so - 25.
I tolerated your humor, I endured your jokes, I put you to bed when you were drunk, I fixed it with that Hungarian acrobat I know.
Hey, hey.
Now, she was really good.
But not once did you ever thank me.
I suppose I didn't really expect thanks from you.
Hey, I - I - I said thank you.
I remember that.
A bunch of times! What I expected, however, was just a little something in the will.
Just a little something.
Whether or not I lived to get it, wouldn't matter, but to know that it was there.
It'll be there.
I swear it'll be there.
And I swear, Mr.
MacLeish, that it is too late.
There'll be a whole lot more.
As much as you want.
Anything you want.
Gimme a break! - Too late.
- Cariton! - Don't do it.
- Magnum, thank God.
Mr.
Magnum, stay out of this.
- Give me the gun.
- Stay where you are.
Sir, don't come any closer.
- I shouldn't like to kill you too.
- I don't think you will.
Very well.
You shouldn't have stopped me.
He's treated you as he treated everyone else.
Worse, he made you a target.
- I can handle it.
- You won't regret it, I promise.
Mr.
Magnum, do you realize if you kill him, you keep the fortune, everything? Cariton, you're fired.
Isn't it ironic that if you save his life, you lose everything? You'll never work again.
What a wretched and short-sighted morality you have.
OK, Cariton, I'm gonna have you arrested! - Shut up! - Magnum - Do it.
Do it.
- You wouldn't? You really think you'd be missed by anyone? - That isn't the point.
- Isn't it? All you have to prove your worth, is the friends you leave behind.
- I'm sorry about your leg, pal.
- And you don't seem to have any.
You give people a motive, Wilson, they might just kill you.
- You won't get away with this.
- I won't tell anybody.
Well, you just No.
No! You know, Cariton, I just cannot resist a good practical joke.
- Join me for a drink? - It'll be my pleasure, sir.