M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e13 Episode Script

##[P.
A: Swing.]
Here you go.
Just like Mom's, give or take a couple of nozzles.
I'm sorry it's powdered.
World War II surplus.
Just think about the guys in the next war that are gonna have to eat this one.
##[Continues.]
Radar, your little friend and I just had another shower together.
I think he's trying to have an affair with one of my corns.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
That's quite a spread you got here for the little buggers.
Oh, they'd do the same for me if they had the wood.
They all got their own little dog tags.
That, uh, "P" for "Protestant"? - "Possum," sir.
I put 'em according to family.
- I see.
[Sighs.]
[Whispers.]
I told you not to do that.
He's a colonel.
Gee! You make a great lower-lip sandwich.
Really? Mmm - I'm engaged to a pilot.
- So am I.
I just hope it's not the same one.
- [Radar.]
Anybody in here? - [Sighs.]
- Wait.
- Later, Doctor.
My tent, around seven-ish? I'll be the one with the khaki rose in my teeth.
Now, what can I do for you, Radar? And please remember, I'm running out of anti-puberty pills.
Uh, you're supposed to sign these release papers for these patients' "releasal.
" I don't understand a word you say but I'll fight to the death your right to confuse me.
- Sign right here.
- Hey, that's a nasty scratch.
Whoever she is, you better tell her to clip her nails or file her teeth or both.
No, I was kiddin' around with a dog the other day and it bit me.
- Didn't mean to though.
- What dog? When? Couple of days ago.
Just a mutt.
I give it stuff from the kitchen although I don't like bein' cruel to animals.
- Where's this dog now? - Comes and goes.
Radar, dysentery and rabies are the two biggest numbers on the Korean hit parade.
Get me that dog.
"Corporal Travis, Richard.
"Corporal Travis, Richard.
To Tokyo.
Typical psycho case, shell shock.
" Frank, that's straight out of World War I.
- Nobody thinks "shell shock" anymore.
- Oh, what's the diff? Too much action gets 'em in the old brain box.
Makes even the best soldier gaga.
Frank, I defy you to show me a medical book that lists the word "gaga.
" [Scoffs.]
- New shipment? - Yeah.
They were stampeded by a herd of tanks.
One kid's paralyzed, but no apparent injury.
Which is why I'm sending him to Tokyo.
Frank, it's no skin off your nose if we observe him for a few hours.
We haven't facilities for every slug-nutty that comes through here.
- Slug-nutty? - Wait a second.
Wait a minute.
Look, Frank, we can settle this diplomatically.
Shake hands, go to your corner and when the bell rings, Trapper will come over and beat your brains out.
[Trapper.]
Slug-nutty - [Hawkeye.]
Here? - [Trapper.]
Right here, yeah.
- [Hawkeye.]
How do you feel, fella? - I don't, sir.
What happened? Can you talk about it? I don't know.
What's the last thing you remember? Uh the tanks, I guess.
And I blacked out.
And the next thing I know, I couldn't move.
Sounds like one of those cases Sid Freedman's been working on.
- All right, you can park him.
He's staying.
- Yes, sir.
I'm in charge, and I say he's not staying.
He's not wounded.
And probably just another litter salesman trying to suck us in with a free demonstration.
He goes to Tokyo, and that's an order.
Cancel the order.
We'll take the patient.
I outrank them, corpsman.
I can have you punished.
We can do better than that.
We'll stitch your helmet to your head.
- [Trapper.]
This way.
- You two are gonna pay for this.
- Not on our salary.
- We'd like to apologize for Major Ferret Face.
He used to be a driver for Hitler till the bomb went off.
Been losing screws and clickin' his heels ever since.
Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce.
Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone? Good.
Listen, we got a kid up here who's paralyzed but he's sustained no wounds at all.
Yeah.
Combat exhaustion, I figured.
Listen, I'd love for you to come up here and try your new therapy on him.
Well, I've been trying to do it in my own crude way, but Look, I I know you're busy.
I'm busy too.
We're all busy.
The war is making us all millionaires.
I can't do it.
I'm not a psychiatrist.
I'm not screwed up enough.
Okay, I'll try.
I'll try.
[Sighs.]
- What did Sidney say? - He said I should go ahead and do it.
I'll be "wonderful.
" - Watch this kind of wonderful.
- Captain Pierce, I want a word with you.
- Fine.
You want to act it out or whisper it in my ear? - It's about Corporal Travis.
Because of your orders, we're having to change his bed around the clock.
Well, you have my permission to move the clock.
- You're disrupting my nurses' routine.
- Look, Clara I'm not issuing a bedpan license to anybody who can walk on his own two feet, okay? That is the most inhumane, degrading thing I've ever heard of.
- How can you be so cruel? - Tight shorts.
Cuts off the oxygen supply to my brain.
[Sighs.]
Morning, Corporal.
You're still a U.
S.
Soldier! I expect you to look at me when I address you! Lot of people here at Cockroach General think that you can't do anything for yourself, like, like walk or anything.
I don't think that's true.
What do you think? I think you're wrong.
Yeah, but your legs are on my side.
What's that mean? They're both still there, each on the correct side.
You haven't got a scratch inside or out.
They can function.
You wanna tell me about the tanks? What happened after the tanks came? Look, we all have our breaking point.
Personally, mine is at 2:00, It's a condition known in medical terms as "yellow belly".
I survive by keeping a standing reservation at the latrine and screaming into my pillow every night.
Of course, that's not everybody's style.
Okay, you'll tell me when you're ready.
Meanwhile, muscles have a way of being very vindictive.
You don't take 'em out for a walk once in a while, they try to stay home permanently.
In fact, you lie there long enough, when you go home you're gonna get yourself a good job as a doorstop! Save the room service.
He's takin' the shoe leather express to the mess tent.
- He can't eat in there.
- Who can? I hear the specialty today is "trench" toast.
Doctor, the patient obviously can't walk.
Well, then he can crawl, or he can go hungry! Whatever you prefer! Sir, don't you think I want to move? Well, it'll come in handy when you get sent back to the front.
Otherwise, you're gonna be a pretty big papoose for somebody's backpack! Not easy, is it? Do you know that Hitler and I have the same answering service? - [Henry Whistling.]
- [Radar.]
Here, doggie, doggie.
Poor little doggie, all alone in a foreign country, lost.
- That dog is Korean, Radar.
It barks in Korean.
- Oh.
- [Henry Sighs.]
- [Radar Whistling.]
- You You You wanna quit, sir? - [Sighs.]
No, no.
But if I shake hands with one more farmer, I'll probably be elected to office.
- Aw, I'm sorry, sir.
It's all my fault.
- It's all my fault.
It wouldn't have happened if I never let you have that zoo.
I should've seen it comin' first time you came in with that little field mouse and asked us to fit him for glasses.
[Both Whistling.]
[Radar.]
Here, doggie.
- How's your hand? - It's okay.
- [Radar.]
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Rosie.
- [Henry.]
Hi, Rosie.
Hello, Colonel Blake.
Radar.
What do ya hear, Rosie? Well, the Philippines just arrived with 50,000 cakes of soap - Janet Leigh's marrying Tony Curtis - [Whistles.]
And it looks like Ike's got this nomination all sewn up.
Boy, you really have all the poop, don't you? Yeah, uh, speaking of poop, you haven't seen a little dog around here, have you, Miss Rosie? - A little white and brown one? - Uh, no, sir, it was more brown than white, actually - It's just a basic dog about so high with a little wet nose.
- He was brown.
- It bit Radar on the hand.
- Are you all right, Corporal? Uh, yes, ma'am, as long as I don't start acting rabid.
- You haven't seen him, huh? - I don't think so.
[Speaking Korean.]
[Korean.]
- Oh, they've seen your dog, Colonel.
- Oh, where? When? Ask him.
[Korean Continues.]
- Uh, what'd he say? What'd he say? - "K-Kay Kay koom moouh.
" - "Kay koom moouh.
Kay koom" - They say, "It was delicious.
" Holy Toledo.
"Dog stew.
" Radar, these guys took your dog home in a people bag.
I'm sorry, Corporal.
How could they do that, eat a dog? Must have been a hell of a bun.
It's a very common dish among our older people.
Did this dog have anything around its neck like, uh, tags? [Korean.]
- They ate the tags too? - They say their dinner wasn't wearing that.
- Oh! Then it's not my one then, sir.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, great.
Wonderful.
- Sir, wonderful - Wait a minute.
We're still not out of the woods, Radar.
- What do you mean? I mean, as long as that mutt's still missing, you're gonna have to start the rabies shots.
- The shots - Look, I'll be right there with ya.
And I come visit you.
I'll bring you something special to eat.
Oh, no, thanks, Mrs.
Rosie.
I'm not feeling very hungry in the future.
It's just fever from the vaccine, Corporal.
Yes, ma'am.
Aren't you gonna read your letter? Oh, I get sort of carsick when I read in bed.
Would you, for me? Well, it's from a young lady.
It might be intimate or personal.
Oh, that's okay.
I don't know anybody personally.
Well, all right, but rest assured, I won't listen to a word I read.
"Dear Corporal O'Reilly, you don't know me, but Mrs.
Kittley "whose cashier where I work and also a Red Cross lady "gave me your name off a list as a young red-blooded American soldier "I could make happy with a letter from home.
"So I did.
I know you are busy with the war "laying down your life, etcetera, so may not have time to write back.
"If so, please check one Yes, I can answer this; No, I cannot.
"And now a little bit about myself.
"I am 17 years old and my name is Wanda Nell McCandless.
"I live in Catoosa, Oklahoma "and work in candy at Kress's Five and Dime.
"That's probably why everyone tells me I'm sweet.
Ha ha.
"How do you like me so far: Yes/no? "My favorite song is 'Oh, the Wayward Wind is a Restless' by Gogi Grant "and 'Pretty Thing,' 'Diddy Wah Diddy' by Bo Diddley.
Do you agree: Yes/no?" - Which one? - [Muffled.]
The The second one.
The "Diddy Bo Diddy" thing? "By writing this letter, I feel I'm doing my own small part for my country.
Would you like to go steady? If so, would we have to go all the way?" Oh, no.
Especially on the first letter.
"Because I'm not allowed to do that for my country, although there are some do.
Do you know Sharon Kay LaFever: Yes/no?" No.
"If so, she's one that does.
"Hope you don't get killed in action before this gets there.
"Please send me a picture of you in your uniform and I'll send you one of me in mine.
"S-W-A-K, Wanda Nell.
"P.
S.
If asked, people say I am a very pleasant-looking young lady.
"How would you describe yourself? "Check one: Made in heaven, adorable, not bad need help, really hurting.
" Corporal? V-A-l-L-N-E-S-S.
There it is, Scrabble fans, and that's the end of the game.
"Vailness"? "Vailness.
" What the devil does "vailness" mean? It means he's losing.
Take that off.
- I swear it's a word.
I swear it on Frank's life.
- "Vailness"? "Vailness.
" A quality of"vail.
" The act of"vailing.
" To be full of"vaily.
" Aw, come on.
Henry, it's your turn.
I quit.
What am I gonna do with an "X" and a "zikm"? Somebody plays a "ray," you can take your "X" and blow this game wide open.
Okay, okay.
What I need is another drink.
What's the matter with the one you got? Oh.
[Exhales.]
For one thing, it's gone.
Poor little tyke, his first shot.
Pretty rough, you know.
All alone in the hospital.
Henry, he is with other patients.
Who would find it very strange to see their doctor crawling into bed with one of them.
Yeah, but why Radar? Such a good kid.
Tell you what.
After lights out, we'll go over there and we'll entertain him - with little bunny shadows on the wall.
- [Knocking.]
- I'm closed.
- Colonel, I know you're in there.
That's very good, Frank.
Now can you describe what he's wearing? - Colonel - Frank, whatever it is just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it.
I just tripped over Captain Pierce's patient.
- He was crawling into the mess tent.
- Terrific.
Is this the battle fatigue case? - Uh-huh.
- It's disgraceful.
A United States soldier crawling on the ground.
Try telling that to the infantry, Frank.
That man's a psycho, and for some perverted reason these two want to play games with him.
- We're just following Sid Freedman's advice.
- Sid's the best.
You get a soldier who has hysterical paralysis and you treat him as though he's really paralyzed, and he'll become sick just to rationalize the guilt of leaving his buddies at the front.
Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.
Aw, can it, Frank.
Go ahead.
Sid feels you take a patient like that and send him back to a nice, clean hospital, it just deepens the guilt.
You send him home and it sets it in concrete.
[Trapper.]
Yeah.
He's been treating his patients as close to the front as possible with the idea that they'll return to their unit.
Otherwise, they get sent stateside, and and one moment's failure on the battlefield becomes a lifetime disability.
- Sid gotten good results? - Good enough to keep trying.
It's a bunch o' hooey, Colonel.
I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Aw, Frank, you're not gonna call your mother again? You know, it seems to me the fact that he made it to the mess tent at all is a good sign.
- Oh, very good.
- Yeah.
Now if we could just get him to open up - Oh, very good.
- Yeah.
Now if we could just get him to open up about what happened, talk it all out.
Unfortunately, in his eyes, I'm just left of Godzilla.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Why don't I give it a try? My wife says I'm easy to talk to whenever we're talkin'.
[Footsteps Approaching.]
I hear, you and I have something in common.
You're from Boston.
That's where I interned when I wasn't tryin' to sneak into the ballpark.
You ever watch the Red Sox at Fenway? I grew up at Fenway.
[Quietly.]
Radar? Can you hear me? It's me.
I'm sorry about the car, Dad.
I had to swerve to miss the lake.
[Moans.]
We really miss you around the place.
- [Sighs.]
- Radar? Are you sure your parents won't be home till later? Ted Williams drafted? - You sure? - He's on his way to the R.
O.
K.
Oh, they can't do that.
The Sox'll never take the pennant without him.
and an average of.
318.
- Radar? - Hmm? I really hate to bother you with this but could you just think for a second where the key to the bottom of my liquor cabinet might be? Mm-hmm.
- Well, where is it? - Um Oh, it's under the welcome mat on the back porch.
Radar, we don't have a back porch.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'll request one for you right away.
Doesn't seem fair.
He was having such a great year.
Weren't you, before you were drafted? Yeah but I bet he'll do a lot better over here.
Better than who? Those tanks, they just kept coming and coming and they were so big.
They were so big, you know? And they killed everyone.
And And they killed 'em even after they were dead.
I I tried.
I really tried but I couldn't move.
I didn't fire my rifle I didn't throw my grenade God, I didn't do anything.
I just laid there like some coward - [Sniffling.]
- It's all right, Corporal.
- It's all right.
- [Crying.]
[Chittering.]
Okay, there's no rabies in this group.
Now, so that none of us ever have to go through this again - [Chittering.]
- I'm gonna vaccinate all your little hoo-has.
[Dog Barks.]
[Barking.]
Steal the sign from the nurses' tent? Mclntyre stand still and pretend you're not here.
I do that all day long.
I think Radar's dog came home to roost.
[Barks.]
Just gonna ease over nice and friendly - and grab him! - Come on, let's go! [Barking Continues.]
- Hey! Doggie! - Come on, dog! - [Shouting Continues.]
- [Barking.]
- [Trapper.]
Look out! Mad dog! Look out! - [Women Screaming.]
- Look out.
- Watch it.
- Where's he going? - He's going behind the mess tent.
- He's going behind the mess tent.
- Look out! - [Dog Snarling, Barking.]
- [Henry.]
Oh, my goodness.
- [Barking.]
- Look out! - Mad dog! Look out! - [Women Screaming.]
- Radar.
- Huh? - We found the dog and it's negative.
You're gonna be okay.
- Oh! - No more shots? - Not on your Aunt Fanny.
- Then I'm gonna live past 18.
- [Chuckles.]
A deal's a deal, sir: No more "hells," "damns" and especially not the big one no more fibs, and I promise I won't watch my rabbits mess around anymore.
So whatever Major Houlihan says is what I feel.
Anything I could add would be of little consequence.
- I won't argue with you there, Frank.
- You rang, Henry? It's very simple, Colonel.
Either you ship Travis out or the major and I will simply have to go over your head.
Well, you've done that so many times, I've got athlete's scalp.
- How's the Travis kid coming? - I think okay.
Give him a few more days.
Keeping that man here defies every medical precept.
So do you, Frank.
You're an incredible example of death after life.
- Colonel, did you hear that? - Yeah, I heard that [All Arguing.]
[Arguing Stops.]
Uh, Captain Pierce, sir? I'm standing.
Great position.
He had no idea you were so tall.
Otherwise, he wouldn't have been rough on you.
I'm not usually a pushover for a uniform, but I love ya, kid, I really do.
- Margaret, I was wrong.
- Oh.
You're always wrong, Frank.
That's what's so right about you.
Come on.
I'll buy some bad coffee.
- Travis, this time you walk to the mess tent.
- Hey.
- Where's my Sunbather's Annual? - I don't know.
- What are you reading? - Ladies'HomeJournal.
I'm taking a test to see if I'm a thoughtful wife.
- What's that, Frank? - Medical journal.
You know, the Travis case reminded me of the importance of keeping up-to-date medically.
- Oh, very good, Frank.
- Yeah.
For instance this article, it suggests that on major surgery a doctor should base his fee on Hey, stop that! Come on, you guys! Hey! Help!