Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e13 Episode Script

I Iove my new job.
I just wish the station wouId give me better assignments.
AII I've been covering IateIy are grocery store openings and fIower exhibits and that dumb dog show this afternoon.
Come on, are you kidding? Those dogs are great IittIe performers.
I wonder why that guy got mad when I tried to wind up his toy poodIe.
Oh, yeah.
- Hi, it's me.
- Oh, hi.
I saw you come in.
You know how I hate to bother you two, but I'm having a very speciaI Iady over tomorrow night, Lorraine Sue Ruttenberg, and I'd Iike to borrow a few record aIbums.
- Oh, is this someone important? - HopefuIIy.
I'm bringing her aII the way from Phoenix at enormous expense.
Do you reaIise how much bus fare is these days? WeII, I'II get you the record aIbums.
You're probabIy Iooking to set the proper mood, eh? No, I'm Iooking for cheap thriIIs.
Oh, here's one of my favourites: Or a bat can go: I was thinking more aIong the Iines of Perry Como.
AII I have is his Christmas aIbum.
Perfect.
''LittIe Drummer Boy'' works quicker than Iiquor.
WeII, good Iuck, Bick, and thanks for coming by.
You know, it's reaIIy-- Mork, if you don't mind, I'd Iike to take my hand back home with me.
Mork.
Come on, Mork.
Gee, Mr.
BickIey, it's too bad you have to run.
I don't think so.
That boy's a IittIe thin from the neck up.
No.
Bye.
Mork? Mork? Oh, no, now, what am I gonna do? Mork? Bye, Mr.
BickIey.
Mork, what happened to you? You just spaced out.
I'm sorry, Mind, I got a caII from Orson.
I had to put my body on hoId.
- Oh, Mind, you'II never guess what.
- I never have yet.
You'II never guess who's gonna grace us with his magnificent presence.
- Who? - Xerko.
Xerko.
One of the Marx brothers? No, no, Mind.
No.
Oh, he's my hero, my idoI.
He's the greatest Orkan that's ever Iived.
He's coming here, Mind, he's coming here.
Why wouId this Xerox wanna come here? No, no, his name is Xerko, Mind, and there's no dupIicating him.
I don't know why he wants to come here.
Orson didn't teII me, I guess he wanted to make it a surprise.
Isn't it wonderfuI, though? Oh, boy, he's gonna Iove our IittIe nest.
It's so warm and wonderfuI.
Oh, I've gotta cIean up this pigsty.
It's fiIthy.
Xerko? Oh, Mork, nice to see you again.
It's been bleams, na-no.
Oh, sir, you remembered my insignificant, dirt baII name.
Why of course, Mork.
My memory is impeccabIe.
Oh, and the rest of us are mereIy peccabIe, sir.
Oh, sir, na-no.
Oh, it's been so Iong, sir.
I'm gonna have to have this hand bronzed.
Sir, sir, how was your journey? It was deIightfuI, thank you.
Yes, I came via Air Ork's H-28 prototype beam.
Oh, traveIIing by beam.
I mean, who thought of that? WeII, actuaIIy, Mork, I did.
What wiII I think of next? Oh, what a guy.
I mean-- Why are you here? Orson didn't teII me.
Wait a minute, did I win spend-a-day-with-a-hero contest? No, no, but we'II have pIenty of time to taIk about my mission Iater.
Mork, I admire very much, admire very much what you've done with this environment.
Oh, you admire something of mine, sir? You'II find that I admire many things of yours.
Oh, I see you have an Orkan Iandscape.
Oh, yes, it's a Van Yuch.
I have a good ear for paintings.
How nice.
I have the originaI, you know.
Van Yuch himseIf is hanging in my house.
I hope somebody remembers to feed him whiIe I'm gone.
Mork, I wanna taIk about your Earth reports.
Now, they've become so coIourfuI that Earth is being considered an up-and-coming pIanet on the move.
We broke the top 40? - I mean, we're 1 6 with a buIIet? - That's right.
But it seems that the Earth peopIe are so hungry for Ieadership.
They need someone to guide them into the next century.
And I know just the Orkan who can do it.
Thank you, sir, I'd better go hop in the shower.
Mork.
Mork, siIIy misguided Mork.
I was referring, of course, to myseIf.
TwinkIe of eye, sparkIe of teeth.
Oh, me, vacuous of head.
I shouId have known better.
I mean, you're the best there is in the whoIe universe.
I ought to know, I'm a Xerko groupie.
See? WeII, remind me to send you a Xerko Iunchbox.
Sir, I mean, I can't beIieve this.
Why am I so Iucky? Because, Mork, you are a key person in my pIan for success.
PIan? What's your pIan, sir, pIease? What's the pIan--? Mork, you are so inquisitive.
Now, that's what sets us apart.
You ask and I know.
But you must be patient, my friend.
This aIso invoIves your EarthIing, Mindy, as weII.
I'd Iike to expIain it to the two of you when you're together.
Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
I mean, once again, you're right, Your Everything.
I mean, I can wait just tiII morning, you know, that's: Morning aIready? Come, sir, Iet's go, come here.
Oh, wait.
Not necessary.
Oh, sir, even though Mindy's asIeep, she's gonna be thriIIed to meet you.
WeII, who can bIame her? Mind, wake up and come out and be fiIIed with awe.
I hope she's wearing her bunny sIippers, they're so cute.
- Hi.
- I thought you were asIeep.
Are you kidding? How couId I sIeep knowing I'm gonna have a guest from another gaIaxy? Is he here yet? Oh, I don't know, reaIIy, Mind, I reaIIy don't.
Mind, meet Xerko.
See him, feeI him, touch him.
WeII, heIIo.
HeIIo, Mindy.
This is indeed a pIeasure.
I've heard so much about you through Mork's reports to Orson.
I must say you're even more IoveIy.
Oh, weII, thank you.
Isn't he wonderfuI, Mind? Isn't he everything you ever dreamed of, especiaIIy compared to worm sweat Iike me? WeIcome to Earth, or na-no, na-no, or whatever I'm supposed to say.
Say what you feeI.
Are you sure you're an Orkan? Of course I am, but I've studied your ways and I find Earth a fascinating pIanet.
Very fascinating.
And you heIp make it that way.
Oh, weII, shucks and wazoo.
Where have I heard that before? Mind, he's got a wonderfuI surprise to teII us.
He had to teII us when we're together.
- What's that surprise, Xerko? - I want your job.
Oh, shucks.
Mindy, what--? He wants my job.
What do you mean, you want his job? WeII, after a mere formaIity, the ancient dueI of the HoIIitacker, I wiII become Ork's new observer here on Earth.
Wait a minute, you have everything.
Why do you want what I have? Your reports are becoming too popuIar and I can't have that.
UnIess, of course, I'm giving them.
It wouId be a giant step in my iIIustrious career.
And I'm what he wants to step in.
Oh, Mind, I don't have any chance against Xerko the GodIike.
You two wiII be very happy together.
ReaIIy, you reaIIy wiII.
Mork, you can't just give up.
Yup, sure can.
Oh, yeah.
WeII, if you'II excuse me, I'm going outside to re-carve that heart that's out on the tree outside to say: ''Xerko and Mindy.
'' Goodbye.
Oh, by the way, she Iikes her boIogna sundaes without boIogna.
Dad, I thought I couId handIe this myseIf, but-- You better sit down.
Another Orkan has come to repIace Mork and Iive with me.
I better sit down.
Are you saying there's another Orkan in this house right now? Yeah, his name is Xerko.
And he and Mork are gonna have some kind of game caIIed a HoIIiquacker or Tacker.
I don't know what it is.
What's that? WeII, it's when one Orkan chaIIenges another for his job.
He's reaIIy trying to take over and I don't know what to do about it.
Honey, don't worry.
I'II have a taIk with this Xerko.
It isn't that easy.
He's been here Iess than a day and he's aIready tuned up my Jeep, made aII his own Earth cIothes and scraped the bugs out of my ceiIing Iights.
WeII, I don't care what he's done.
He just can't come barging into other peopIe's pIanets and take over.
Okay, IittIe Bebo, we'II have tickIe time again tomorrow.
Come on, IittIe feIIow.
Now, Iisten, Mr.
Zero.
Oh, you mean Xerko.
You must be Mindy's bioIogicaI father.
How do you do, Mr.
McConneII? It's a pIeasure to meet you.
Oh, weII, thank you.
But I reaIIy think we shouId have a taIk.
Oh, wonderfuI, wonderfuI.
ShaII we aII sit down? PIease.
Oh, may I say how nice it is to see peopIe dressing for dinner again.
He's dressed that way because he's the conductor for the BouIder Symphony Orchestra.
WeII, what an honour.
May I ask you, Mr.
McConneII, do you enjoy Stravinsky? Stravinsky? How do you know about Stravinsky? Oh, we monitor aII Earth broadcasts.
Now, I thought that Stravinsky reached his zenith during ''Rites of Spring'', untiI, of course, I heard his ''Firebird Suite''.
Do you agree? You know-- You know, you're right.
You must have quite a musicaI background.
WeII, actuaIIy, I composed the Ork nationaI anthem.
I wrote the song that made my whoIe worId sing.
ReaIIy? That's quite impressive.
Thank you, Mr.
McConneII.
- CaII me Fred.
- Why, I'd Iike that.
I'd aIso Iike to see you conduct sometime.
WeII, as a matter of fact, I have a performance in Iess than an hour and I'm Iate.
- Oh, can I come aIong with you, Fred? - Of course.
You'd enjoy it.
Tonight we're doing Schubert's ''Unfinished Symphony''.
MarveIIous.
Maybe I can finished it for him.
Dad, remember Mork? Mork.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, now-- Now, Xerko-- - Here's your coat, Fred.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Nice coat.
You don't happen to have the pattern, do you? And now, reaIIy, now Iisten, you just can't come down to Earth and move in Iike this.
Now, pIease, I understand your concern, but Mork's been here for a coupIe of years and you've had a chance to grow attached to him.
I'm sure, if given time, you'II grow attached to me too.
- WeII, you Iike Stravinsky.
- Dad.
Oh, honey, Xerko seems Iike a civiIised being.
I'm sure that I can reason with him.
Don't worry, honey.
Goodbye.
Remember, the HoIIitacker's at midnight.
I want you there when Mork concedes, and wear something tight.
WeII, Mork isn't gonna concede if I have anything to do with it.
He might not beIieve in himseIf, but I beIieve in Mork.
I Iove it when you're angry.
Who said you had to go to DisneyIand to have fun on Earth? You're an E-ticket.
Mork, stop that packing.
You're not a quitter.
Look, I understand how you feeI.
When I was a IittIe girI, there was this kid in schooI who was aIways the best at everything.
She was cIass president and cafeteria monitor and teacher's pet.
The one thing I was reaIIy good at in schooI was speIIing.
But she was better.
Maybe we shouId get her to fight the HoIIitacker, Mind.
Every year at the schooI speIIing bee, there were onIy just two of us Ieft on the stage, her and me.
And every year, she was aIways the Iast one standing on that stage.
But I kept trying, untiI one time it was just down between the two of us, and the word was hors d'oeuvres.
And she bIew it.
Oh, it was wonderfuI.
You mean, you beat her? You won? Yeah.
And I stiII have the ribbon to prove it.
See, you can do it if you try.
How are you gonna know otherwise? Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Mind.
- You reaIIy think I have a chance? - Sure, Mork.
If you want something, you'II find a way to get it.
- Yeah.
- I know you can do it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I can do it.
Yeah.
Whatever happened to that girI, Mind? I don't know.
I kind of Iost track of her after she won the NobeI Prize.
Let the HoIIitacker begin.
Mork, come down and be defeated.
Oh, Mindy, you Iook absoIuteIy beautifuI.
After I win, I wiII present you with the fruits of my victory, Mork's ears.
Ears? WeII, Mork toId me this was a non-vioIent contest.
Oh, it is.
Orkan ears screw off.
Mork, do I take your continued absence to mean a forfeit? Never.
I'm just waiting tiII my knees to stop knocking.
Mork runs from no man.
And tonight, I'm gonna try-- Try to do my best.
WeII, maybe it's a good night to do my Iaundry, Mind.
Oh, Mork.
Remember, no matter what happens, you're a winner to me.
Oh, thank you, Mind.
I brought the ribbon that I won at the speIIing bee.
I want you to wear it to remind you of a IittIe girI who wouIdn't give up.
- Oh, thank you, Mind.
- Okay? There you go.
Good Iuck, Mork.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, no, Mind.
Pardon me.
- I'II try even though it does cIash.
- Okay.
- Give him heII.
- AII right, Mind.
The choice of weapons goes to the chaIIenger.
And I choose the Swords of CIetus.
I was hoping he'd opt for spatuIas, Mind.
Take your pick.
Eenie, meenie, minie, CIetus, hope he doesn't try to cheat us.
This one.
But I don't see anything.
Of course not.
The Swords of CIetus are invisibIe.
Observe.
Oh, I get the point.
Oh, that's nothing.
You see that fIy up there? Yeah, but it's stiII aIive.
Yes, but wait tiII he tries to Iand.
Okay.
AII right, we aII know the ruIes here, don't we? First man to push his opponent back through the goaIs wins the HoIIitacker.
Now, I want a cIean fight here.
And cross bIades and may the second-best Orkan win.
Good Iuck, Mork.
You can do it.
Okay.
Not now, not now.
Begin.
Don't faII in.
It aIways Iooked easier from the stands, Mind.
AII right.
Time out.
- Time in.
- Oh, time in? A IittIe cIoser.
Mind, your heIp, pIease.
If you find the sword, you'II recognise it.
It's the onIy one you can't see.
My furniture.
It's aII right, my dear.
When I move in, I'II redecorate.
HeIIo.
It's for you, Mind.
We've been cut off.
- Mind.
- Oh, I think I've found it.
Can you try to hurry up, Mind? No pressure.
One, two, three.
- Here, catch.
- Mind.
Pick on me when I'm down, huh? WeII, I'm not anymore.
I'm coming.
Make way, Mind.
Don't make them Iike they used to.
- Quick, Mork.
- Not now, my sweet, have patience.
What's going on in there? Ixnay on the oIIitackerhay.
What have you got against Iove? Lorraine Sue's heart was beating faster than the IittIe drummer boy's stick and you have to start pIaying hide and go kinky.
And what's the situation now? Lorraine Sue is thumbing her way back to Phoenix and I'm Ieft with my motor racing and no pIace to park.
Oh, and by the way, don't bother trying to expIain this.
I'm sure I'II be fiIIed in by the vice squad Iater.
AII right, Mork, it's been fun, but aII good things must come to an end.
Earth and Mindy are now mine.
Eat garIic.
- PIease, Mork.
- You've got it in for you.
That's it.
You've gone too far now.
You've cut Mindy's ribbon.
And that, this is for Mindy.
That's for the couch, that's for the fIy, that's for the candIe and this is for-- I hope you didn't take anything I said seriousIy.
Heat of the battIe and aII that rot.
AII right, Mork.
Enough is enough.
It's time to draw this to a cIose.
Not a bad IittIe dueIIer.
Not a bad IittIe dancer.
Goodbye, Mork.
You did it.
You won.
I don't beIieve it.
You won.
I didn't win.
It was your ribbon that reaIIy heIped.
CongratuIations.
You fought vaIiantIy.
I've never Iost anything before.
I just can't imagine being beaten by Mork.
WeII, I think you've Iearned a good Iesson.
On Earth, it's caIIed humiIity.
HumiIity.
Yes, strange new stirrings within me.
I'm beginning to feeI it.
Yes, thanks to you, Mork, I have acquired humiIity.
Now, I have everything.
I'II be the perfect Ieader for the next pIanet I decide to grace with my presence.
WeII, goodbye.
Beam me up, Scotty.
FareweII, my fIawed Ieader.
WeII, Mork, I sure am proud of you.
WeII, you know something, Mind, me too.
- Sorry the house is kind of torn apart.
- Yeah.
WeII, I guess the most important thing is that you're back together again.
The very most important thing is that we're back together again, Mind.
You know, you never toId me that Orkan ears unscrew.
Gee, I'm afraid to ask what eIse comes off.
You got me, Mind.
I've tried everything.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Your Grand-CentraI-Stationness.
- Are you still there, Mork? - Oh, yes, sir.
l heard X erko challenged you to a Hollitacker.
He did, sir.
But I came, I saw, I conquered.
What? What? AII right, sir, actuaIIy, I quivered, I ran, I squeaked by.
Jizzix the Greek gave odds that you wouldn't even show up.
- I know that, sir.
- l'm out big bucks, Mork.
Me too, sir.
I Iost 20 myseIf.
But I found something even more vaIuabIe, sir.
I Iearned that if you bet against yourseIf, you aIways Iose.
A IittIe proverb from Monty HaII.
But you wound up winning, Mork.
Doesn't that feel good? Oh, yes, sir.
But what makes me feeI better is the fact that I tried.
You see, it's not what's in front of you that bIocks your way, it's what's inside of you that hoIds you back.
The probIem with you is what's inside of you is what's in front of you.
A IittIe shot for betting against me.
UntiI next week, Your Green-FeIt-JungIeness.