My Family (2000) s03e13 Episode Script

- I've made you a cup of tea.
- Thank you.
- Hang on, something's wrong.
- Why am I not surprised? I've got my favourite spot, you've made me tea, I didn't fight for the remote and there's a Jammie Dodger left.
Oh, really? Good.
Things are back to normal.
No.
The kids are out of the house all day.
Say that again.
No, say it slower.
I want to savour it.
They're not gone forever.
They will be back.
You and me alone, eh? Alone you and me.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That you need to clean out the garage? That's not quite what I had in mind.
(Growls) - Oh, I see.
I'll get the Scrabble.
- No.
Susan, I, um I don't think I'm quite making my intentions clear.
- All right.
Strip Scrabble.
- Yup.
OK.
Socks don't count on triple word score.
- I won.
Get over it.
- We both won, as I recall.
- Whatever helps you sleep.
- OK.
What do you want? - Barry White or Herman's Hermits? - Barry White.
(Deep voice) Oh, yeah.
This is gonna be good.
What the hell is this? Oh, my God There's some missing.
Oh, they're This one's scratched.
- I'm sure there's a logical explanation.
- Yes.
Nick! It's a proven fact.
Destruction plus my property equals Nick! - Just put on a CD and let's get naked.
- OK.
Sorry.
I'm not in the mood to strip.
I'm home! - I thought you went to the cinema.
- It didn't work out.
They wouldn't sell me a child's ticket.
Damn this five o'clock shadow.
- Nick.
- Yeah? - Do you know anything about this? - Oh, that no.
- What do you mean, "Oh, that no"? - Ben, I'll handle it.
Nick, dear, what do you mean by "Oh, that no"? Well, I had a DJ gig (Scratches) Mistakes were made.
The less said the better.
Where are my other records? - After the gig, I sort of sold them.
- What? I didn't want to ask you for money.
- So, in a way, it's your fault.
- Nick, those records were classics! - Were they? I got ripped off.
- Turn away.
I'm going to kill him.
- Nick - Look, I know how you feel.
You lose half your records, I didn't see the film.
We both learned a lesson.
- Out! - Yes.
Go to your room! - No! I mean out, out, out! - You sound like a broken record.
Wait.
Scratch that.
Nick, don't speak and, Ben, take a pill.
I've had it up to here.
I've had no personal space in this house since Nick moved in.
- I've always lived here.
- Time to move out.
- Stop being hysterical.
- I'm not! - Don't take that tone with me.
- It's my house.
I'll take whatever tone I want! Down at the pub if that's all right with you dear.
These came for you.
- Who told you you could open my stuff? - It's called initiative.
- It's called invasion of privacy.
- You say tomato, I say potato.
"The new improved Scissor Grip.
"Nine days to a buff bod.
" At least you're optimistic.
There's nothing wrong with getting fit.
So what's she called? It is a she, right? Her name's Julia and she usually dates rugby players, so I have to try and get in shape.
Wow.
That was almost one.
It must be defective.
I'm not justifying what Nick did, but there are better ways to handle it.
- All I said was I wanted him out.
- I want you to tell him that you're sorry.
I want a million pounds.
Oh, well.
Good morning, dear.
I'll just leave you two alone so you can chat.
Susan, don't leave me alone with Susan! Hello.
Hello.
Sleep well? Yes.
Is that bacon? Yes.
What's the point? I can't stay angry at you.
Nick I may have said some things last night that Your mother feels I owe you an apology.
Well, go on then.
- I don't agree with her.
- I forgive you.
- I haven't apologised.
- I accept.
You can't.
I haven't apologised.
- You're sorry.
That's all that matters.
- Nick! Would you stop it, please! There comes a time in every man's life when he has to leave the nest and forge his own way in the world.
Are you going to eat that bacon? - Do you know what I'm saying? - I think so.
You want the bacon.
Nick the time for you is now.
Oh, I get it.
You want to toss me out onto the cold, dark street.
Good.
So we're both clear on that? "Once stirred, pour the sauce over the chicken.
" Hello, dear.
You'll be happy to know that Nick's been out looking for a job.
He can have mine if he wants it.
What's that? It was going to be lemon chicken, but now it's a paperweight.
Mum, Dad, I'll give you a call once I'm settled in.
Nick! Ah! You've moved into the living room.
- No.
I found a flat.
- You did what? - I'll be back for the rest later.
- OK.
Which box is the stripper in? No.
I've found a new job and a flat.
You don't really have to go.
Your father was only kidding.
- Say something, Ben! - It's not like he's leaving the country.
- Are you? - No.
I'll only be a few miles away.
- Oh - I'll come with you.
Settle you in.
No, Mum.
My mind's made up.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and so have I.
- Oh.
- Come on, Dad.
Give me a squeeze.
No.
Oh, God.
Michael, come here to me.
I'm not coming anywhere near you.
- Do you have everything? Towels? - Check.
- Toothbrush? - Check.
- Clean underwear? - Close enough.
OK.
Let's not keep you.
You've got a nest to forge.
Well, Mikey, I guess this is it.
Who knows when our paths will cross again? If they'll cross again.
Bye.
That's my brave little soldier.
Go on.
It's getting cold.
Abi what can I say? We could have had something beautiful.
Shame I wasn't attracted to you.
- What? - Don't make it harder for yourself.
- Well, I'm off.
- I'll miss you.
Button up your jacket.
Farewell.
Arriverderci, old bean.
Adieu.
Good Bye.
(Sighs) (Sighs loudly) - Oh, God! - You can't sleep either.
Not with you practising penalty kicks, no.
How can you be so blase about your son's wellbeing? Oh, Susan, please Do you remember what I said to you when you suggested having children? Yes.
You said, "Why can't we get a dog?" No.
After that.
I said as long as you were OK with it, I was OK with it.
Of course.
I was pregnant at the time.
- I was still OK with it.
- After a good cry.
If I was OK with having children, you should be OK with him now gone.
That's what kids are for.
They grow up, they leave.
Or what would be the incentive for having them? But everything's moving so fast.
Haven't you heard of baby steps? Susan, if we'd waited, we'd be pushing him out in a wheelchair.
Never a positive word.
It's as if you have a personal vendetta against him.
I do.
He's my son.
I know you're worried, but this is for the best.
- He'll thank us.
- Perhaps you're right.
- (Bang) - That's him! - What? - Thank God he's back.
Six hours on his own.
Must be a record.
Thank heavens you're home, you precious angel - Oh, it's only you.
- Wow.
Thanks.
Michael, I just want you to know how much Mummy and Daddy love you.
You'll always have a home here with us.
Promise me you'll never leave.
Promise.
- OK.
I promise.
- That's my dear sweet boy.
Do you want to sleep with us tonight? (Door slams) Oh! - You all right? - Yes, I'm fine.
Good.
Glad to hear it.
(Sighs) I have a sense something's troubling you.
- I'm just tickety-boo.
- Good.
As long as you're happy, I'm happy.
That is so like you - to think of yourself when our son is missing.
He's left home.
There's a difference.
Not to a mother.
Isn't it time you gave your umbilical cord a rest? You won't be so smug after you hear this.
Nick left a message.
He sounds terrible.
Listen.
(Nick) Mum, Dad, I wanted to let you know that I'm doing great.
The job is great, the flat is great, life is great! See you later! See? Heartbreaking.
You weren't listening to the subtext.
I'll play it again.
- Mum, Dad, I wanted to let you - He's crying out to us.
I'm sure if you play it backwards, you'll find he's worshipping Satan.
That's not funny.
We have to do something.
Yes.
I'm going to the pub to celebrate.
And worry at the same time.
The job is great, the flat is great, life is great! See you later! - Pint of your best ale, landlord.
- Coming right up.
- What the hell are you doing here? - This is my new job.
- No, no.
This can't be happening.
- Excuse me a minute.
Aaah! Life is good.
Why me? Why me? - Tough day? Drink isn't the answer.
- Shut up and give me a pint.
- Trouble at home? - No.
Trouble here.
- Want to tell me about it? - No.
I'm a barman, it's what we do.
Listen to pathetic drunks moan all day.
- Go on, bend my ear.
- Don't tempt me.
I see.
Missus got a bit of action on the side, has she? - My son is ruining my life.
- Oh, Michael.
What's he done now? Give me a Stella.
Excuse me.
This gentleman is speaking.
You owe him an apology.
- What? - No apology needed.
Shut up.
- He says you can take your apology - Shut up! Just give him a pint.
- I'm buying.
- Did you hear that, everyone? Drinks on my dad! L65 later, he said "Don't worry, Dad.
We can still see each other every day.
" - What on earth is that? - Protein shake.
Builds muscle mass.
Go on, feel it.
Ow! Oh, God.
It lives.
The old place hasn't changed a bit.
You've only been gone two days.
You've no idea what it's like to be independent.
- Here's your laundry.
- Thanks, Mum.
- Dad - No, you can't borrow money.
Is it so hard to believe Nick only wants love from you? - Yes.
- No.
Dad I got an advance on my first week's wages to replace some of the records.
Oh, Nick.
That's, um Oh.
I don't really know what to say.
How about, "Come home, I miss you"? No, not that.
I couldn't find all of them, so I improvised.
Oh, this Oh, Nick.
Barry Manilow.
- I know how you like jazz.
- Mm.
Oh! Atomic Kitten.
- Are they good? - Does it matter? Look at the cover.
I'll take that.
- You really shouldn't have done this.
- I wanted to.
I better go.
I'll be late for work.
Ah-ha-ha! Well, well, well.
Did you hear that? He actually said "I'll be late for work.
" I have to admit that maybe in a very small, oblique way, you were right to encourage Nick to be on his own.
So you were wrong? No.
I was right to be upset about how you handled it, but maybe over-zealous in opposing it.
So you were wrong? No.
I was right and wrong.
- But you were wrong.
- So were you.
OK.
I'm glad I'm right somewhere in the middle of this.
Out of a whole bowlful of possible rights and wrongs, you were right one time.
Ooh, where did it go? (Knocking) Hold on! Hello, Alicia.
Welcome to the Pleasuredome.
Oh, God.
My eyes are burning.
- That's probably unbridled passion.
- No, it's the smell.
It's this new cologne, made with animal pheromones.
It's called Bestiale.
Guaranteed to attract the ladies and horses.
- I thought you owned an airline.
- Whatever gave you that idea? - You told me.
- I say a lot of things.
Enough about me.
Let's talk about us.
You don't have any money, do you? Why, are you charging? I'm not some slapper.
I came for a romantic evening.
You know, wine, music, dinner.
But we're still on for the sex after, right? Yeah, all right.
- I haven't got a corkscrew.
- That's a pity.
Wine gets me hot.
Yeah? (Doorbell) Oh, bloody kids! God! I'm back! I'm in the loo.
Where's the paper? (Michael) Nick! - How about a little mood music? - That'd be nice.
- Can you put on some music? - Shut up! Forget the music.
Here's to you and me and amore.
Are you trying to get me drunk? Yes.
- I love how you're so straightforward.
- Then you'll really love this.
Shouldn't we eat first? I'm hungry.
Coming right up.
- What are we having? - Takeaway.
- Come and sit down.
- I can't find the corkscrew.
- Have you checked up your arse? - I'm sorry? - I'm sure it'll turn up.
- Yeah.
Along with the telly.
- Have a beer.
- I don't want beer, I want wine.
- Can I have a beer? - No.
- What the hell are you doing? - No time to chat.
- Are you going to drink that? - No.
Someone's taken the corkscrew.
Cheers.
- Here we go.
A feast for two.
- I was just leaving you a note.
"Get stuffed!" Ooh, a love letter.
Wait, Alicia.
I didn't want to have to do this, but You're insane.
Have you got a sister? My wife left me, I lost my job and my house was flattened by a block of frozen urine.
I know how you feel, mate.
I was this close to getting laid last night.
- Pint of lager.
- Coming right up.
- This isn't lager.
- It's better.
It's a new drink I invented.
I call it a Nicktini.
- I'd rather have a lager.
- Righto.
- What the hell is this? - A Nickarita.
Loaded with tequila.
You'll love it.
- Just give the man a lager.
- I can't.
I won't point fingers, but some idiot forgot to order more barrels.
- You were supposed to order them.
- That's why I won't point fingers.
- That's it.
You're fired.
- Have you seen my cocktail routine? Oi! (Crash) - You're still fired.
- Fine.
You won't have Nick Harper to push around any more.
I'll have a pint.
It's been a rough day.
What's wrong? I worked out so much I can't move my arms.
- (Doorbell) - (Whimpers) That's Julia.
You have to help me.
- You sit down, I'll get the door.
- Aaah! - Hi, you must be Julia.
- Hi.
- Come on in.
Michael's waiting for you.
- Hi, Julia.
Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Ah.
Ah.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
You know, you can put your arm around me, if you want.
- You may have to get it up for me.
- What? That's not That's really not what I Abi! - (Knocking) - Nick? It's Mummy and Daddy, dear.
Welcome to Casa de Nick-a.
Your mother thought she'd just check the place out.
Let's go.
What's wrong, Mum? Ah Tears of joy to see her son doing so well.
- Stop it.
Be strong.
- No, I'm fine.
Just overwhelmed at how lovely your place is.
Cool.
Let me give you the grand tour.
This is the kitchen.
This is the living room.
This is the dining room.
This is the master bedroom.
So many rooms.
And where's the loo? Oh, dear God! No, Mum.
That's for the leak in the ceiling.
The loo's there.
Of course.
I'll just go and freshen up.
- Hold on.
- What are you doing? I've only got one bulb.
Never mind.
Oh! I'm fine.
Cool, eh? I'm thinking of making a few improvements.
Maybe taking out this wall.
(Man) You do that one more time and you're a dead man! Good old Viv.
It's that sort of relationship.
- Anyone for tea? - That would be nice.
Oh l've missed you.
I've missed you.
I don't believe it.
Our son is struggling to survive in this desolate hellhole and you're going to watch telly.
I'm not watching it.
I'm going to take it home.
- That's not all that's coming home.
- No, you don't.
No way.
For the first time, Nick is standing on his own two feet.
But he's standing in excrement! - (Pounding) - Get down! - Don't make any noise.
- Hey, Harper! You owe me rent.
(Pounding) I know you're in there.
I saw the light, you lazy son of a pig's nipple! For your information, that's the pig's nipple you're referring to! No one can speak about my son that way except me.
I've earned it.
- Dad - I'll handle this.
As far as this shameful excuse for a flat goes, you're lucky to get a penny.
- Dad - I suggest you ask for rent politely.
Believe me, you don't want me on your bad side.
I'm a dentist! That was wonderful.
Except the part about the pig's nipple.
He's no reason to shout at Nick.
Actually, he has.
I lost my job at the pub, I'm a week behind on my rent.
- I haven't eaten for two days.
- Oh! If we can do anything Come on, Susan, let's go.
Sounds like Nick's busy.
- So.
Are you going to pay? - No.
He's coming home with us.
- Cool.
I'll just get my things.
- No! Wait.
Let's just think about this.
What sort of lesson is it if we let Nick give up every time life gets difficult? If it means me having to pay a month's rent just to keep him here, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
And a hundred up front to cover the damages.
Cash.
- Fine, fine.
- Damages? This flat is a masterpiece.
When I get home, I'm going to do up the entire house just like it.
Hurry up with the money, dear.
A cheque for the rent will be in the post.
Bye, dear.
Love what you've done with the place.
Thanks, mate.
Same time next month? You know, you're amazing.
I know.
I'm an amazing kind of guy.
I mean the way you handled things with Nick tonight.
I do my best.
I guess I'm going to have to face the fact that our little boy has gained his independence.
Yours has got a higher tog rating.
See ya.
Tomorrow, we change the locks.