NewsRadio (1995) s03e13 Episode Script

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill Matthew.
Hey, guess what.
I saw it.
Agent Zero.
I finally saw it this weekend.
Oh, how was it? In-credible.
The whole thing started out with this explosion.
It was like: [MAKES EXTENDED EXPLODING NOISE.]
You don't say.
Yeah.
And, um, so I guess Agent Zero, right, was on the run from the, um, government or something.
I didn't really follow the plot.
That was confusing.
But the car chase they had was like: [MAKES CAR NOISES.]
[MAKES GUNFIRE NOISES.]
No, watch out! Run, run! Ricochet.
Nooo.
You really bring the movie to life.
The final scene was hand-to-hand.
It was like: [MAKES PUNCHING NOISES.]
And the other guy knew "tai can do," or whatever it's called.
And he was like: [MAKES EXCLAMATIONS.]
Oh, God, my back.
Then what happened? Uh, I just threw my back out, seriously, right now.
Oh, here, here.
I know how to treat this.
Ahem.
No, I-- No, no.
Cross your arms behind your back.
Aw, Bill.
Good.
Now grab your elbows.
[EXHALES.]
okay.
Right.
Now cross your legs.
Yes, there.
Excellent.
Now arch your back.
I can't.
I really-- Just arch your back.
Way back.
Way back.
Perfect.
Now, you trust me? Of course.
Ooh.
Hey, it worked.
[.]
Ah, David, I'd like to say something, if you're finished with all your business, and all that.
Haven't actually started yet.
Oh.
Oops.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
MATTHEW: Good.
Anyways, I'd like everybody to come to my house on Friday.
Aw, you're having a party? Excellent.
It's like a party.
It's really just a meeting of my book discussion group.
No, seriously, me and-- And a bunch of the older members of the apartment building, we all get together, and we just talk books.
Sounds like a rager.
Yeah.
Yeah, some of the discussions do get out of hand, but every argument ends in a handshake or a hug, And that is my policy.
And I do enforce that.
So who's in? Joe? What's the book? This week, it's Moby Dick, by Herman Mel-- Read it.
Oh, good.
Perfect time to discuss it.
Dude, the only reason to discuss a book is to prove that you read it.
And I read it.
The whale eats Gregory Peck, end of discussion.
Catherine? I'll go.
MATTHEW: Oh, good.
If Beth goes.
Great.
Hey, thanks, Catherine.
Um, I came last time, and it's-- I know.
--not my thing.
Remember? No, no, no.
The last time it was-- It was crazy.
It got out of hand because of that damn book.
What book? Little Women.
[MATTHEW SIGHS.]
Whatever.
You know, you guys don't know what you're missing.
Hey, you forgot to ask me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Would it please the good Sir Lord Bill of McNeal to join us? Let me think.
Friday night: See a movie or sit around spaz' kitchen sipping tea with a bunch of shut-ins.
Tough choice.
[SIGHS.]
They're not shut-ins, okay, Bill? They're just-- They're the kind of people that like to stay inside.
All the time.
Well, it's hard to get out when you're taking care of 16 stray cats.
Each named after a child you never had.
Fine.
Don't go.
I don't-- Just don't go.
Oh, come on, pal, I'm only kidding.
I'll be there.
Really? Yeah, I mean, depending on the weather, of course.
Yeah, okay, Bill, stop it.
Well, it's supposed to be crisp and clear on Friday, so Oh, I'd been told hell was going to freeze over.
I must have been misinformed.
Count me out.
Unless, of course, the forecast changes.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what, Bill? I was just trying-- [CLEARS THROAT.]
I was just trying-- [CHOKING UP.]
Never mind.
Way to go, Bill.
What's wrong with you, Bill? Oh, people, please! There was blood in the water.
You all smelled it.
I just did something about it.
He'll be fine.
Well, Bill, thanks for that little preview of your Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech.
Ah.
Yeah, well, meeting adjourned.
All right, I'll take Matthew.
You take Bill.
No, no, no.
You-- You take Bill.
I'll take Matthew this time.
Why? Well, you-- You always get Matthew.
It's my turn.
You think Matthew's easier? Than Bill? Yes.
Enjoy.
All right.
Uh It's locked.
Oh.
Matthew? [COMFORTING MOM VOICE.]
Matthew, my little honey bunny.
Beth, what are you doing? Shh-- Stay quiet.
Matthew, my funny, honey, sunny bunny, with tons of money-- Okay, Beth, that's enough.
I'll take care of it.
All right, fine.
Thanks.
Matthew? It's Dave.
Matthew? Honey bunny.
Matth-- Matthew, bunny hon.
Matthew.
Hon-- [SNICKERS.]
Joe, do you think you can help me get this door open? Yeah.
Yeah.
Funny honey bunny.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Hey, sweetie, where's, uh-- Where's Garelli? Who? Joe.
What's up, chief? Hey.
Your last name's Garelli? Yeah.
Yeah.
What up.
What up is I just took the subway for the first time in years, and I got ripped off.
Tell me about it.
A dollar-fifty for a token.
It's outrageous.
Not the fare.
What I'm talking about here is I lost 40 bucks playing three card monte.
I want you to show me how to win this thing.
Oh, Mr.
James, you can't win at that.
It's a scam.
Oh, I don't know.
It looks like a game to me.
You can't win.
It's a scam.
No.
The phony nuns with the buckets at the airport is a scam.
This thing is a game, I'm telling you.
Look, when I was a kid, I worked an entire summer as a shill for my uncle's three card monte game.
I know how it works.
Ah, you lie.
JOE: Oh, wow.
You do not lie.
Thank you.
Whatever I allegedly said to Matthew was meant with love.
We're like a family here.
It's not like my family.
No, but very much like my family.
Full of love and humor, and good-natured ribbing.
Why, our family dinners were a regular Algonquin Round Table of ribaldry and wit.
Oh, okay, Bill, look, wit is one thing.
But, you know-- Oh, I remember one time my father came home from a night on the town, which, of course, had turned into a week.
And my mother said, "John, is there anything you won't drink?" And my father shot back, "Poison! I'm saving it for you!" [LAUGHS.]
Jeez.
Really? And I, and my brother, who's now an alcoholic himself, just about died laughing.
[CHUCKLES.]
A-and this is a happy memory for you? Of course.
Another time, I was cut from the high school football team, and my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter.
" Jeez.
And in front of the other players too.
Priceless! Ha, ha.
[CHUCKLING.]
Good times.
Good times.
You have to stop letting Bill get to you like this.
Yeah, I know, I know.
When he does this, it's just Bill being Bill.
Exactly.
That's why it hurts so much.
I mean [CLEARS THROAT.]
To me, Bill is like the greatest person I know.
Bill McNeal is the greatest person you know? Yeah.
He's smart, he's funny, he's successful.
Don't get jealous or anything, but I'm not the only one in the office who kind of hero-worships him.
Yes, you are.
I said don't get jealous.
I-- I am not jealous.
You know, I will admit begrudgingly that Bill does have, you know, his winning qualities, but he-- No, no, no.
You don't know him like I do.
No, I guess I don't.
No, you don't.
You don't know him like I do.
I guess not.
Don't tell anybody about this, but One time he got really, really drunk at a bar, and he-- He opened up.
He shared a lot of things with me that he doesn't tell other people, because he's-- He's very modest.
Oh, he's modest also? Yeah.
Oh.
Did you know that on weekends, he-- He volunteers at local hospitals? I did not know that.
And on weeknights he makes little toys for orphans.
I guess he's got some kind of wood shop in his basement.
Matthew.
Matthew, Matthew.
What? Listen to me, listen to me.
What? Bill Yeah.
tells you lies, because he thinks that's funny.
I don't see what's funny about that.
That's kind of the point.
Ha-ha-ha, yeah, actually, I do think that's funny.
Good.
See, Bill's-- Man.
Mm-hm.
He reminds me a lot of my older brother.
Really? What was your brother like? Oh, I didn't have one till I met Bill.
Check it out, check it out.
Find the queen, get the queen.
Where she going? Where she been? Twenty gets you 40.
Forty gets you 100.
Find that lucky lady.
Oh! Mr.
James, you got no shot.
It's a scam.
Yeah, that is scam city.
Shh.
Where's the lucky lady? I don't know.
Show it to me.
I'm not sure.
Yes, you are.
I can see it in your eyes.
You're way ahead of me on this one, my brother.
All you got to do is just point it out, take your money, and we'll go double or nothing, a'ight? That one.
Boom.
You lose.
Oh, I see, I see.
So, uh, if we had been playing for real money, I'd be out like Okay.
Okay, how does this deal work again? Okay.
You say, "Matthew, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
" Matthew, I'm-- What was it again? Oh, come on.
Please? Fine.
Thank you.
And every Monday we come in, and we-- We discuss the movies that we've seen over the weekend.
Okay, fine.
Bill is great.
The greatest.
The greatest.
Really.
But he did hurt your feelings, right? But he didn't mean to.
Yes, he did mean to.
[SIGHS.]
And unless you want it to happen again, you're gonna have to stand up to him.
Yeah, I know you're right.
I just don't wanna hurt his feelings.
He'll only respect you more if he knows when he pushes, you're gonna push back.
You really think so? I know so.
Okay.
And besides, think of all the cool secrets he's not telling because he doesn't think you're man enough.
Right.
Mm-hm.
You're right.
You're right.
Yeah.
And when you're right, you're right.
Mm-hm.
I am man enough though, right? More than man enough.
Let's do it.
All right.
What are we waiting for? Let's just-- Matthew, I have something I'd like to say to-- [GRUNTS.]
Huh.
[TIMIDLY.]
Oh, my God.
Well That went better than I could have possibly imagined.
BILL: Is that what you were looking for, Lisa? Something like that? Dave, what the hell did you say to Matthew? I just told him he should stand up for himself.
Well, Bill was all set to apologize.
Bill McNeal? Yes.
Yes, and this is the thanks he gets? A fist in the face that drops him like a sack of potatoes? Ahh! Sorry.
Bill, I'm sorry.
[SIGHS.]
Well-- [BOTH MOUTHING.]
No.
[MOUTHING SILENTLY.]
You okay? I'm fine.
A little humbled.
But if anybody can use it, it's yours truly.
Am I right? He-he-he.
Right.
Now, uh, for the sake of peace in the office, I need you not to retaliate, all right? I have no intention of retaliating.
I appreciate you going to the trouble of lying to me, but I need you to actually not hit him.
Why would I? Matthew and I are even.
I made him cry, he punched me.
I've learned a lesson about how far you can push people.
Really? Sure.
Same thing happened when I was a kid.
I was mouthing off to my brother when we were getting ready for school.
I'm telling you, he punched me so hard I was out for half an hour.
Jeez.
And when I came to, I was on the school bus.
Completely nude, of course.
[LAUGHS.]
I remember the one Christmas, he stripped me naked and locked me out of the house, just when the carolers were arriving.
Talk about a merry Christmas.
[LAUGHS.]
Good times.
Matthew.
Matthew, it's okay.
I know you overreacted, but Bill was just being a jerk, as usual.
There is no reason to beat yourself up about it.
Yeah.
No, I'm not beating myself up about it.
I-- I beat Bill up.
Are you upset? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Actually I am upset about it.
I'm upset because it felt sogood.
Good? Did I say good? I meant delicious.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
It's as plain as day, Lisa.
Looks like I've got the power.
What power? Let's face it, sweet thing.
I overthrew Bill McNeal.
I am now the king of the office.
I can do what I want and say what I want, and Mate with whom I want-- All right, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Come on.
Relax there, sugar.
You're gonna get your chance, hm? [CHUCKLES.]
[CACKLES.]
[.]
CATHERINE: Jimmy, you cannot win.
It's a scam.
I know.
I know it's a scam.
It's just that I never walked away from any kind of deal or negotiation, any scam even, without coming out ahead.
Just leave it alone, okay? Just walk away.
No, no, no.
No dice.
See, I got a plan.
Wonderful.
Gentlemen Ah, look who's back.
Mr.
Donald Trump himself.
Hey, uh, find a lady, you get the gravy.
All right.
Cash in a flash.
Cash plays only.
That's my policy, and I do enforce it.
You want the honey, you get the money.
This one right here.
Damn.
You got it.
You got it.
Ah, you the man.
Put the money down, and I'll match it.
All right.
Heads up, five-0.
Transit cop, transit cops.
What? Just be cool, everyone.
The game will resume momentarily.
So, what kind of trouble can I get for playing here, hon? Flat misdemeanor, mandatory five bills, But I wouldn't worry about it, because there's really no cop.
It's just a trick so they can run away.
Really? Mm-hm.
You could turn around now, honey.
They're gone.
[TRAIN STOPPING, MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT.]
Hah.
Joseph, how we holding up? Hm? What we got going on here? Need any help? What? Good to hear, good to hear.
Well, look who's looking mighty fine today.
Oh, thank you.
I just bought these pants yesterday.
Mm, not the pants I'm interested in there, honey.
What? I-I think you ought to talk to Matthew.
Why? What's the problem? Something's happened to him, and he's, uh, different.
And how could that possibly be a bad thing? MATTHEW: Jimbo.
Huh? Hey, sexy.
[MAKES GUNSHOT NOISE.]
Well, well, well Look who it is.
Hi, bitch.
Hi, Matthew.
Say, do you know, is the computer network still down? I don't know.
Why don't you grab me a cup of coffee, I'll check it out.
You got it.
Cream and two sugars? That's your call, genius.
[SIGHS.]
I'm gonna check you out later.
Ooh.
Ha-ha.
Looks like ugly ties are back, aren't they? Matthew Not now, honcho.
What did you do? Get him drunk? Ah, did we try to mate with you too? Well-- Dave, Matthew just told me to go fetch his lunch.
Uh-huh.
And what did you say? No.
Duh.
But I think you should talk to him before he does something stupid.
Well, like what? Matthew just told me to go fetch his lunch.
Oh.
Like that.
Is he still breathing? For now.
I'll talk to him.
Matthew, can I talk to you for a moment? Not right now.
I gotta catch up on my Playboy party jokes.
That's sort of what I wanted to talk about.
You think-- You think you could take it down a notch? Take what down a notch? The new you.
You-- You're disrupting the office.
Well, I'm just being me.
I mean, what could I possibly change? Yo, yo, yo, Beth.
Lunch does not fetch itself.
Come on.
Chop, chop! Uh, Matthew Yeah? I'm gonna level with you, okay? Mm-hm.
Matthew All ears, chief.
What up? You-- You are on the verge of alienating all of your friends here.
Well, that's the price we pay for leading the office, am I right, Dave, huh? Me and you.
People might not like us, but they sure as hell are gonna respect us, huh? Or at least they better.
Hey, check it out.
Tony Danza Jr.
, huh? [MOUTHS.]
No.
Dave, can I talk to you for a second? I'm right in the middle of this, Joe.
Yeah, the grown-ups are kind of talking right now, thanks.
On the other hand, Joe, maybe now would be a good time for you and I to talk.
All right? Hey, who's the boss, huh? Who's the boss? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All my sweet bitches, hard at work.
DAVE: All right.
Now, uh, tomorrow, we're gonna be a little, uh-- [CHUCKLES.]
Matthew, please put the Playboy away.
When I'm done, chief.
If you know what I mean.
Oh.
That's-- That's enough for today.
Yeah, you're right.
So unless somebody's got something other than the usual boring crap, meeting adjourned.
Sit down.
Okay.
More boring crap, boss.
Matthew, I don't know what happened in there, but this isn't you.
Hey, check it out.
She's a natural redhead.
Are you? BILL: Joe, Joe, Joe.
LISA: Matthew, you are skating on very, very thin ice, okay? Dave, you should really talk to your little lady about mouthing off to the higher-ups, huh? People.
People.
Matthew here, whether he's the old Matthew or the new Matthew, is my friend.
Matthew, I'd like you to hear this.
Now, we all go through various stages and phases in life, but one thing never changes.
Friendship.
And this young-- Oh! I'm sorry.
I-- No.
I-- [WHIMPERING.]
Yay.
Way to go, Bill.
Yeah.
[ALL APPLAUD.]
BILL: Didn't mean to hit him, really.
Good for you, Bill.
Good shot.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks, Bill.
Poor little guy.
Good times.
JAMES: No.
Uh-uh.
Now, remember, no playing this time.
You promised.
No, I'm not gonna play them.
I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna talk to them, you know? These gentlemen bested me, and the honorable thing to do is to admit defeat.
JIMMY: Hey, guys.
Hey.
Mr.
Donald Trump.
And his lovely lady friend.
Oh Look, look, look.
I-I just wanted to congratulate you guys.
Yeah? You beat me and-- And my-- My hat is off to you gentlemen.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, well, you-- You got my respect.
Now, now, come on.
Hey, tell me here-- How-- How-- How's this thing work? Uh, it's a scam.
Yeah.
Basically, uh But I can't tell you.
Ah, all right.
Trade secret, right? I respect that.
I respect that.
All right.
Okay.
Well, we're-- We're, good though, right? Oh, yeah, we're good.
All right.
All right.
Now, you take care.
I will take care.
And you gentlemen, you keep up the good work.
All right.
Now, I've never heard you admit defeat before, Jim.
Just keep walking.
Why? I got their wallets.
Dave, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was just crazy.
I was so mean to everybody out there.
That's okay.
Just as long as we have the old Matthew back.
Yeah.
He is.
He is.
I-- Believe me, I've seen my dark side, and it is yucky.
I couldn't agree more.
Yeah.
And oh, oh I'm not gonna really have sex with Lisa.
Hey, man, thanks.
You want me to break it to her? BILL: Hi, guys.
Dave, I spilled some coffee in my desk drawer, and it left a gross, sticky residue.
I need somebody to clean it up.
Oh, oh, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
Unless you No.
Well, no, okay.
I'll-- I'll-- Thanks, Matthew.
You're too good.
Oh, no, you are.
No, you are.
Oh.
Hey, did I ever tell you about the work I did for the CIA? No.
Tell m-- Wait a minute.
Is this one of your crazy, funny lies? No, no.
This one is true.
Okay, tell me.
Tell me.
The year was 1968.
A gentleman by the name of Fidel Castro was causing a bit of a headache Boom! Right in the head.
And-- And-- And so he was out.
And-- And Agent Zero came down.
He unhooked himself, and [MAKES SHOOTING SOUNDS.]
Just for no reason.
Just shooting this laser in the air.
[MAKES SHOOTING SOUNDS.]
And-- And-- And just going crazy, really.
Kind of like, uh, Pacino in-- in-- Scar-- Like [MAKES SHOOTING SOUNDS.]
Gah, goh, goh.
Goh, oh It was just-- It-- It-- We should go see it next weekend maybe.
Well, anyways, if, um Because I'd-- I'd see it twice, if-- If you don't mind.
Well, if you get this message, uh, Bill, call me back.
Um Bye.