Night Court (1984) s03e13 Episode Script

1
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Yo.
Uh, these are the indecent-exposure files.
Where do you want them?
Sex offenses on the sofa.
FLORENCE: I can't believe that
they make you go through every case.
It's the year-end report.
I don't mind really.
Gives me a chance
to review my performance
reflect on old memories.
Remember that carnival geek
married his dog?
Yeah. It's over.
I ran into her the other day.
- What happened?
- I ran into her the other day.
[SIGHS]
I feel funny though. Working here while
the gang's out there with another judge.
You're not missing anything good.
I saw the docket.
It looks like a fairly routine night.
Sir, I'm gonna take Mac down to jail now.
- What?
- I got busted for contempt of court.
When you go through the strip search,
ask for Gentle Ben.
What happened?
Mac just walked over
with the docket, sir.
Next thing I know,
Judge Hirsch told me to take him.
- For what reason?
- He said my sweater
was a mockery of justice.
Well, it's not that bad.
Oh, come on, Mac.
Obviously, the man is joking with you.
No, no, sir. This is serious.
Judge Hirsch is crazy.
Mac, don't go jumping
to drastic conclusions.
You know we each have
our own unique style.
Judge Hirsch just ordered a defendant
to clean the Holland Tunnel.
- So?
- With his tongue.
I think I will have a little peek.
Come on. I can get you down to holding
before they serve dinner.
What are we having?
There was talk of Spam balls.
Sir?
Quiet. I'm almost finished.
Well, ha-ha-ha, what do you think?
That's superb. Ha, ha.
Phil
what's going on?
That is not a well man.
He just put out a bench warrant
for the Rockettes.
What charge?
Espionage.
He's convinced the Soviets have implanted
tiny transmitters in their legs.
He says, “This explains the high incidence
of varicose veins after they retire.“
Personally.
I like a little texture to my women.
- Uh, excuse me, sir, about my client
- Oh, right. Hang him.
He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.
Nap time.
HARRY:
Hey, guys.
- Are you okay?
DAN: Oh, yes, sir. Fine.
Considering we're being presided over
by Bucky the Wonder Lump.
Radio City Music Hall called.
The cops just broke up
a Rockettes performance.
We nabbed the whole bunch at once.
You seem happy.
They rejected me in '43.
You tell me,
what's wrong with these gams?
Their loss is clearly our gain.
Sir, this courtroom
is totally out of control.
Yeah, it's funny.
- I never saw the judge act this way before.
- You know this man?
He worked in the Brooklyn courts
when I started there.
Everybody always loved him.
He was fair, he was bright,
he was honest.
And now he's putting hookers' wigs
on Bull.
I'm sorry, son.
but the glare was killing me.
I understand.
[MOUTHS]
Help me.
Sir, you've got to do something.
It's his court, Miss Sullivan.
All I can do is document strange behavior,
make a list
and send it
to the judicial review board.
[HORN BLARING]
If I were you, I'd send a copy along
to the Coast Guard while you were at it.
Would counsel approach the bench,
please?
You know why the criminal justice system
isn't working, Mr. Fielding?
Yes, sir.
I mean, not really.
No music in the courtroom.
That's what makes
the whole damn process so dreary.
Imagine how much brighter
this place would be
if we piped in Mozart sonatas
or even a few show tunes.
That is a wonderful idea, sir.
You are a sneaky little pile of tweed,
aren't you, boy?
Yes, sir.
HIRSCH:
Take him away.
I knew it. Ha-ha-ha. As soon
as I saw that little smile cracking
I could tell the instant
he started talking to me, I just--
You had a visit from your hairy godmother,
didn't you?
- Hi.
HIRSCH: Hi.
- I'm Harry.
- Who the hell cares?
I'm Judge Harry T. Stone.
No. You?
- A judge?
- Uh-huh.
- Your Honor--
- Oh, let's skip the formalities.
It's Bob and Harry,
just like the good old days.
Bob, we don't have any good old days.
We just met.
Oh, what's this Bob garbage then?
I would like to speak to you in private.
In your chambers.
Oh, there's no need.
I have no secrets from these people.
I really do think this would be better
in private.
Nonsense, Harry.
There is nothing that you could say to me
that you can't say before my friends.
What's on your mind?
Sir
you're a very sick man.
Company.
[IN NEW YORK ACCENT]
Welcome to the Rock, boss.
Not you too, sir.
Afraid so. No, no. Never mind.
HARRY:
Here you go.
Thank you, Nam Dame“.
You guys okay?
Oh, yes.
Actually, it's very nice down here.
I understand we've made it just in time
for the annual winter mucus test.
Let me guess.
[SNIFFS]
English Leather.
I'm Dan Fielding.
I just killed my family.
Really?
Small world.
[LEEK LAUGHS]
They don't know this
but I really did pull off the job.
I hid the money. Ha, ha.
And they got no witnesses
because the guy who saw me without
my mask on is half-blind. Ha-ha-ha.
I hid the getaway car
in a swamp in Jersey. Ha-ha-ha.
I'm gonna getaway with it. Ha-ha-ha.
Two days, I'm gonna be swimming
in cold, hard cash.
[LAUGHING]
So, what's your story?
I'm ajudge.
Dan, you look in.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
TRAUT:
It's over here.
I'd rather
explode.
- Hi, guys.
DAN: Hi.
Miss Sullivan, what's going on?
Oh, sir, it's chaos.
I put in an emergency call
to my legal-aid supervisor.
I managed to juggle the docket
so there's only first-time misdemeanors
and there's a man in back
wearing the same dress as I am.
What"?
What did you pay for yours?
[PRISONERS WHOOP]
- Any news, Bull?
- Yes.
He just appointed Flo
legal-aid attorney.
He did what?
Bull, let me out of here.
Uh Listen
about that cologne business, I don't
want you to get the wrong impression.
I mean, so many people think
that just because a man wears a dress
he's a homosexual.
No.
HARRY:
Okay, guys, let's go, huh?
Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
If Flo is defending, who's prosecuting?
Your Honor, the people feel
the defense's arguments
are constructed
on a flimsy legal foundation.
Surely my esteemed colleague
knows the difference
between entrapment
and legitimate enforcement of the law.
If not, then I would be so bold
as to question he! abilities
to practice in a hall of justice.
Defense?
You're gonna listen to a man
with a dead pigeon in his pocket?
Unbelievable.
Phil's prosecuting?
I've been replaced by a man
who lives in a refrigerator.
Hey, any of you people like
The Three Stooges?
And my favorite one is when Moe is playing
a judge and he says:
“Order, order, order in the courtroom.“
And Curly gets up and says:
“I'll have a ham and cheese on rye.“
Ha, ha.
Judge Hirsch.
Hi there. Wait a minute,
I thought I cited you for contempt.
And how did they get out of jail?
Sir, I cannot tell a lie.
They escaped.
Escaped?
That
is not a bad idea.
The whole prison system's overcrowded
anyway.
Guard, go down
and release all the prisoners.
CHRISTINE:
Hold it!
Sir, I'm sorry. You can't do that.
Some of those people are guilty
and have to be dealt with.
You're right, Miss Sullivan.
Tell them they can go but only
it they promise, on their word of honor
that they'll go across the street
and clean up that park.
Your Honor,
please step down from the bench.
Bet you my gavel is bigger than yours.
You're in trouble here.
I'd really like to help you.
Me? Need help? That's a lie!
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
It's the truth.
The truth?
This is a court of law, Judge Stone,
this is not a place for truth.
This is a place for lies.
Everybody who comes here lies.
The plaintiffs lie, the defendants lie,
the lawyers lie, the cops Iie.
Everybody lies.
And you expect me
to sift through all this
and extract the truth
from all that rubble.
That's what we call justice.
Well, there is no justice.
There never was, there never will be.
Order! Order! Order!
Order in the court!
Oh, come on, people.
You're supposed to say,
“Ham and cheese.
Ham and cheese.“
I guess comedy's subjective, huh?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Your Honor.
Oh, Judge Stone. Come in, come in.
I wanna show you something.
Watch this.
H00. H00.
- Looks like a big owl, doesn't it?
- Yeah.
I did that one my first night
on the bench.
I think Oliver Wendell Holmes invented it.
Oh, where's my hospitality?
Come, sit down. Sit down. Sit down.
Ahem.
Uh, aspirin?
No.
You know, most people can't take this
without water.
Your Honor, how long has all this
been going on?
How long has what been going on?
The wigs and the horns and the subscription
to WrestleMania magazine.
You know, Judge Hirsch, I am considered
a bit of a maverick around here myself.
Yeah, word in the halls is you're a flake.
I have my moments.
The point is that I use the gags
and the tricks as a release.
It's to ease the tension, that's all.
It's when it gets taken to an extreme,
when it begins to obstruct justice
then it threatens to dismantle
our entire judicial system.
What's your point?
If you don't step down,
I am personally going to file a petition
requesting that you be removed
from the bench.
So it comes down to a gunfight, eh?
If need be.
Who draws first?
That usually determines
who wins in these things, right?
Can I, uh, be of some help?
Where the hell is the Corsetti file?
I lined my shoes with it.
You did what?
I didn't think you'd need it anymore.
We finished with the case hours ago.
Finished? How?
Well, the cop's testimony was shaky
so I plea-bargained down
to burglary, third degree.
Comes up before grand jury Wednesday.
Oh, God. Wednesdays, I give my blood.
Don't worry. I'll follow through for you.
What a pal.
Don't touch me. I'm not your pal!
You are a disgusting, filthy.
slimy shell 01a human being
and you ought to crawl back
into the sewer from which you slithered.
I got a 97 percent conviction rate.
I hear you're batting about 500.
HIRSCH: Wait. What's the matter?
Where are you going?
We haven't finished.
You are finished, Judge Hirsch.
I'm gonna go call for an ambulance.
An ambulance? Are you sick?
I'll be right back.
- You wanna hear a funny story, Harry?
- Your Honor--
There was this girl, 17, beautiful girl,
dark complexion, dark hair
and a welt under her eye
where her husband had hither.
She was pregnant for the third time,
I think.
And the DA said they lived in
a rat-infested place on the Lower East Side.
She said she wanted her husband
to stop hitting her.
As soon as I indicated
that I'd send him to jail
zip, she changed her testimony,
said she was lying.
She didn't want her husband
to go to jail.
He brought home money
so the family can eat.
All she wanted was for him
to stop hitting her!
Well, Harry, I can't make him stop!
In 25 years,
I've never made anybody stop!
I'm sorry.
God's in his heaven
but all's not quite right in the world.
I know how you feel.
How long have you been on the bench?
Three years.
Ha-ha-ha. Three years.
I've had bouts of irregularity
longer than that.
[SIGHS]
My God, what have I done?
How much do you remember?
Uh, coloring a little piggy
and a monster with a blond wig.
Am I sick, Harry?
Maybe a little.
But mostly
I'd say you're real, real tired.
Oh, tired.
Oh, I could sleep for a million years.
Ha, ha.
Yeah.
If the bed they strap me down to
is comfortable, I probably will.
See, I tried to do it all right.
I tried to right all the wrongs
reverse all of the injustices.
I guess I was wrong.
It's impossible.
Even a tool knows that we can't reach out
and touch the stars
but that does not stop
the wise man from trying.
I like that.
Who said that?
You did.
It was in a speech to the bar association.
Here.
You can never have
too many.
I'll wear it with honor, sir.
You do that.
I gotta go.
Somewhere there's an inkblot
with my name on it.
[SIGHS]
Will you let me call someone
to drive you?
Oh, there's no need.
There's probably a whole army
of paramedics waiting for me out front.
Well
you take care of yourself out there,
young man.
I will, sir.
[LAUGHS]
Damn it.
Sometimes I did keep
inside the lines.
- Sir?
HARRY: Yo, Mac.
The Radio City Rockettes are here.
Send them home, Mac.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I didn't know whether to bring them in
one at a time or all in a row kicking.
I'm sure you would have made
the right decision.
Uh-huh.
ANNOUNCER [OVER RADIO]:
New from our Believe It Or Not files
Police in Manhattan reported
this evening
they were summoned
to break up a riot in a nearby park
---only it turned out not to be a riot
but a group of accused prostitutes.
muggers and thieves walking around
cleaning the park.
A police spokesman said
the group had been released
from a Manhattan iail
and that they were just fulfilling
a court order.
How's that for a sanitation crew, folks?
And now. back tn some easy listening.
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
Listen, uh, Fielding.
about that conviction-ratio business
No hard feelings, okay?
Go to the window. Open it as wide
as you can. Plunge to your death.
Well
if you insist on acting unprofessional
Oh, uh, and you're eating my lunch.
- Say what?
- You're eating my lunch.
I left it in your briefcase.
Don't worry.
Only the beaks are dangerous.