Night Court (2023) s03e13 Episode Script

Yikes!
Courthouse cafeteria lobster roll?
20 bucks says you can't
keep that down for two hours.
You're talking to a woman who
once ate calamari in The Hole.
Oh. You know, we get
it. You were in prison.
The Hole is what I
call the state of Ohio.
The water in the water
fountain is carbonated again.
Can't tell if it's concerning or fancy.
Well, it depends. Do you
consider tetanus fancy?
So, my favorite law professor e-mailed,
and she needs a speaker
for a lecture next week.
- Do you want to do it?
- Abby, you know I only
ever leave the city for
farm-to-table dining, hm?
- I was asking Julianne.
- And I was saying yes.
Aww!
Why would I ask you,
Dan? You'll just say no.
That's even more hurtful.
You know how much I
love saying no to things.
I do. You're the only
person I've seen giddy
from rejecting a
computer software update.
Oh, Dan. Always the
duck-duck, never the goose.
- [SCOFFS]
- You can't blame her.
I mean, she did
choose the better lawyer.
Uh [GRUMBLES] You
think you're the better lawyer?
The only way I would believe
that is if I argued it in court,
and I wouldn't argue it
because I'm the better lawyer.
Do you see the conundrum we have here?
You sound crazy.
You know, and that's coming from someone
who spent six months in a group home.
The group was the Bee
Gees. And I dated all three.
So many teeth.
I'll tell you what. You pick
any case on the docket tonight,
and I will beat the cashmere
blend pants off of ya.
Hey, look! Look! There's Mr. Fielding!
- Oh, God.
- Dan, do you know
those two Great
Depression time travelers?
Do not make eye contact.
That's Bob and June Wheeler,
the only living creatures I
know who can haunt a place.
Mr. Fielding! Mr. Fielding!
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Oh, no, Dan.
You might have to
defend us for that, too.
I think we found our case.
Oh, but you're such a good lawyer.
I'm sure you'll be fine. Knock on wood.
Don't let 'em knock on anything.
Thanks again for showing
me to the cafeteria.
I can't believe I almost ate
my sandwich in the morgue!
They do look similar, but the people
lying on the tables in
here are just super-drunk.
[LAUGHS] Ohh! Cute and funny.
I'm Crash, by the way.
Crash. I like a one-syllable name.
I'm Abby. That's two
syllables. So stupid.
[LAUGHS]
Well, here's two one-syllable words.
Call me.
Looks like that
industrial-strength deodorant
is really payin' off.
Abby, pull yourself together.
People are trying to eavesdrop.
That guy was super-hot.
Like "red eye" hot.
Like, I want to ride him for six hours
and wake up in a different city.
Yeah, too bad there's
something wrong with him.
Is he the kayaker in
the herpes commercial?
Man, you wish. A working actor would be
an improvement over
the guys you've dated.
Since your breakup, it's
been a loser convention.
Remember the guy
who only wore terrycloth?
I don't know. Must have been nice,
always having a towel right there.
Okay, so maybe my radar
has been a little off lately,
but I have a feeling that Crash
is gonna break that streak.
I mean, those teeth? No way
those come off when he sleeps.
I bet he makes noises when he kisses.
Myom-myom-myom!
- Get used to that.
- Hm.
The People vs. Bob and June Wheeler.
Aww! The Wheelers! Welcome back!
And may I remind everyone,
in case of an emergency,
the exits are in the front
and the back of the courtroom.
Sorry, Judge.
Trouble seems to find
us like we owe it money.
And we don't.
Unless "trouble" is what
they call the IRS these days.
The defendants are charged
with destruction of property
after their chickens
burrowed out of their apartment
and into a nearby massage parlor.
From what we hear, it
was not a happy ending.
My clients were nowhere near
the scene of the alleged crime,
and I don't think it's
necessary to go into detail
- as to where they
- It was date night.
I took the missus to
her favorite restaurant
Trader Joe's free sample station.
- Mmm!
- Mmm!
It doesn't matter where they
were when the crime happened.
They own the chickens
and are responsible
for the damages to
their neighbor's business.
Oh, technically, uh,
they're not our neighbors,
since we're squattin'.
Technically, you're not
charged with that, so shush!
You know what they say.
Home is where the heart is.
And in our case, the hearts are
in the bathtub full of ice
until we can find a buyer.
Permission to approach the bench.
I would like to ask for a continuance
so I can educate my clients
on their right to remain silent
and to go pick up some duct
tape in order to enforce that right.
Well, Dan, I'm feeling generous,
so I can offer you a plea deal.
I mean, yeah, you'll
lose, but, honestly,
I can't think of anybody
who could win this case.
A good lawyer can win this case,
regardless of what the evidence is
or what the law clearly states or
which gods hate my clients.
Hey. It's fine with me.
Watching men struggle
is one of life's great joys.
I'll allow it. I don't
understand it, but I love it.
I'm excited but I'm
impartial, so I will allow it,
which is all I will say, even
though I said much more.
Court adjourned.
Look, Judge. Your boyfriend is here.
Oh.
Why is he hugging the Wheelers?
I mean, t that doesn't mean anything.
I hug strangers all the time.
I hug the Domino's guy
when I'm really hungry.
Oh! That's what's wrong
with him. He's a Wheeler.
It could be worse.
Myom-myom-myom-myom!
Never mind. That's as bad as it gets.
Okay. Look. I'm not gonna lie to you.
They have a strong case against you,
especially given how much
you admit to all the charges.
As Dan's paralegal,
I'd like to go on record
as saying you have excellent snacks.
- Murray.
- Hm?
- That's chicken feed.
- Are you sure?
There's a chicken on the bag!
So Frosted Flakes are just for tigers?
And you have to be
a sea captain to enjoy
the mouth-cutting delight
that is Cap'n Crunch?
You [CHUCKLES]
You sound ridiculous, Dan!
Can he be our lawyer?
Oh! You can't afford me.
Alright. Look. You're only guilty
if the prosecution can prove
that you own those chickens.
And I can win this if
you just don't admit
to owning those birds!
- But those are our bir
- Stop!
- We are the ow
- Don't!
We're the only parents they ever ha
Shoosh!
As far as you're concerned,
those birds flew to the city
to make it big on Broadway.
Oh, look! Santa's made it
to the Island of Misfit Toys.
Hey, Miss Julianne.
Guess what we're not
supposed to say we own,
- except that we do.
- You just Would you
Hey, Bob. Here. Here's a quarter.
Go buy a gumball or something else
that'll fit perfectly in your esophagus.
I have an esophagus, too, you know.
Dan, I'm gonna tell you the
same thing I told my shrink.
You're wasting your time.
And you are not gonna be happy
when you see the surprise
I have in store for you.
The joke's on you. I'm never happy.
Look. She must have a surprise witness.
- Find out who it is.
- Oh, I don't know, Dan.
She went to a lot of trouble.
Are you sure you want
to ruin the surprise?
Alright. Crash Wheeler pros and cons.
The pros are obvious. Cute. Sweet.
Carries himself with the confidence
of a man with six to eight abs.
I don't know if this is a pro or con,
but his whole family is cursed.
Okay, but we don't
know that he's cursed.
He's not like them in other ways.
I mean, he looks like he's at
least aware of indoor plumbing.
There's only one way to find out.
- Hey, Crash!
- Mnh! Inviting the curse over?
What's the point of ranting
if you're just gonna do it anyway?
Hey, Abby. This is my sister, Carol Ann.
Nice to see you again, Judge!
Well, nice to see anything
after staring at that eclipse.
So, I was thinking it might be good
to get to know each
other a little better.
Like, what's your favorite food?
What's your favorite animal?
Are you the victim of
an ancient hillbilly curse?
My brother is definitely cursed.
Do you know this dummy has a job
and he don't even get paid for it?
It's called volunteering.
I help at the Boys & Girls Club.
Oh, yeah? Well, he was in
an institution for four years.
College.
I graduated from UPenn.
Short for U-Penitentiary.
I assume you know it's not.
So, just to be clear,
you're a hottie with
an Ivy League degree?
Which you've applied towards
helping America's youth?
All while using those
muscles to flip tires
and flail big ropes in your
private sweat cathedral?
See? What a zero.
He don't even talk good like we done.
[CELLPHONE DINGS]
I have to run. Red Cross is calling
about an emergency blood donation.
I'm a universal donor,
so I'm everybody's type.
- Yeah, you are.
- Yeah, you are.
Uh, what's a four-letter
word for breakfast?
Oh. Never mind. It's sudoku.
Oh. There you are. Tell me
you found the surprise witness
and you weren't sidetracked
by a balloon again.
That balloon looked just like me.
If anything, I didn't look at it enough.
But, Dan, Dan, Dan. Focus.
I followed Julianne all
night, and, boy, was it fruitful.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- "9:15.
J exits courthouse.
Receives mysterious
package from man at a cart.
Package turns out to be a hot dog."
Then there's a lot of stuff
here about that hot dog.
Oh! Here we go.
"9:15 again."
I realize it can't still be 9:15.
My watch must be dead.
9:15 I ask J for the time.
"She says to stop 'following' her."
How is this fruitful?
Reconvening! People
vs. Bob and June Wheeler.
Oh. Look at us,
reconvening like a real court.
I'm proud of us.
Your Honor, I'd like to call a witness.
Ms. Carol Ann Wheeler.
[ALL GASP]
Well, I'll be damned.
She has the same name as our daughter!
And her face, too!
Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
and try to use correct grammar
so we can all follow it?
I did.
Ms. Wheeler, where do you work?
I'm a feed rep for General
Frumpton's Chicken Feed.
FRUMPTON'S: It's what
the thing you eat eats.
Carol Ann, tell me. Whose name is signed
on this invoice for 20
pounds of chicken feed?
Oh! I'd recognize that big X anywhere.
That's my daddy's
signature. Bobert Wheeler.
Uh, Your Honor, objection.
Purchasing feed does
not prove ownership.
I happen to recall a woman
who bought a number of cat toys
- but never actually owned a
- Ah. Sustained.
Movin' right along.
I'd also like to enter into evidence
this thank-you note
written in Mrs. Wheeler's handwriting.
"Thank you for being the best big sister
us chickens could ask for.
The feed was delicious.
Lots of cluck, Edna, Otis, James"
Okay. I'm not reading 40 chicken names!
No further questions, Your Honor.
It never occurred to you to mention
that your daughter was
your chicken-feed dealer?
Why? You need feed?
I can hook it up.
I don't know. I got to
be missing something.
No chicken could cause that kind
of damage to a massage parlor.
I mean, what kind of crazy chicken
pecks hot stones into gravel?!
Two words! Foghorn Leghorn!
You find that cartoon chicken,
we blow this case wide open!
Murray. Murray. Calm
down. We can figure this out.
Now, tell me. What kind of
dirt did you dig up on Carol Ann?
Oh. Lots of dirt. Lots of dirt.
And twigs. And abandoned shoelaces.
What the Hey! What?! What the hell?!
I'm trying to build a case here!
What are you doing, making a nest?!
I didn't like the way those
papers were looking at me.
And I heard what those shoelaces said!
- Murray.
- Hm?
How long have you been
eating Frumpton's feed?
I don't know. One sunrise.
Murray, I think you just saved my case.
That food is poison!
You gotta promise me
you will not stop eating it
until we beat Julianne.
- You know I won't.
- Oh! Ha ha!
Alright. [STAMMERS]
These are beautiful.
My family thinks flowers
are a waste of money.
That's why at their wedding
Mama threw a bouquet of hose parts.
Sorry. What? I was just thinking about
how your jaw line could cut fudge!
Hi, Crash!
Girl, calm down.
There's no need to yell.
I'll see you tonight.
So you're going out with a Wheeler?
Yep. And he brought me
these beautiful flowers
[HISSING]
that are, for some
reason, hissing at me.
Maybe because they were picked
by a cursed man from a cursed garden.
Would a cursed man be taking me
to a hot new Italian restaurant tonight?
By any chance, is it Nicolazzo's?
Oh, yeah. Have you heard good things?
It's burning down right now.
- [HISSING]
- Ooh!
Ms. Wheeler, you recognize this man?
No, but he kinda looks
like a balloon I saw once.
This is Murray Flobert,
a loving husband,
a respected judge,
a song-and-dance man.
It's song or dance man!
I cannot do them together! No one can!
But lately, he has been quick to rage.
What's changed? His diet.
He's been eating
General Frumpton's feed,
the same feed that was given
to the Wheelers' chickens.
If the defense wants
to waste people's time
with unfounded claims,
then he should just
bitch to his doorman
like a normal New Yorker!
There is nothin' in our feed
that would cause violence.
The only side effect is happy birds
with the biggest chicken
knockers you've ever seen!
Perhaps you wouldn't
mind demonstrating to us
how harmless the feed is by
- eating it.
- Objection! No.
This is clearly food for animals.
There's There's a chicken on the bag.
So you have to be a leprechaun
to enjoy the chalky marshmallow hell
that is Lucky Charms?!
That logic is bulletproof. Overruled.
It's fine. [CHUCKLES]
I'd be delighted to
have a tasty bite. Mmm!
Can Really taste the corn
and the and the millet. Mmm!
Nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum,
nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum!
Let the record show that the
witness is clearly fake eating
and that her space
work is middling at best.
Why won't you eat the feed, Carol Ann?
Why won't you eat the feed?!
Because it's full of steroids
and I'm happy with
the size of my knockers!
So the chickens' violence
is not the Wheelers' fault at all!
The blame falls squarely on
General Frumpton's shoulders!
- No more questions, Your Honor.
- You may step down.
As a reformed arsonist, I'm not so sure
you're supposed to be
this close to me because,
hoo-hoo, I'm on fire!
[SIGHS] Freakin' Wheelers.
They may be the most insufferable family
I've ever met, and I went
camping with the Mansons.
Alright. Listen. We did it.
Now all you have to do is testify
that you gave the feed to
the chickens, and we win.
- Seems simple enough.
- Yeah.
Your Honor, we
change our plea to guilty.
We're taking the deal that
flight attendant offered us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?!
I object! Wait.
Can I object to my own clients?
Well, you know, when
life gives you lemons,
you don't ask why the
lemons are so stupid.
- You got a deal.
- [GROANS]
Okay. Court is adjourned.
I want it on the record. This
is in no way curse-related.
I can't believe I lost.
I can't believe I won.
I mean, I knew I'd win until
the moment I thought you'd won,
and then I couldn't believe I won.
You know, I'm getting
sick of defending people.
Oh! Wait.
What does a lighthouse
keeper pull down these days?
I mean, I've already got the beard.
- And I love being alone.
- Yeah.
Well, for what it's worth,
you did a hell of a job up there.
- [CHUCKLES]
- You too.
Actually, it's the best fun
I've had in quite a while
till the Wheelers threw
me under the bus.
Well, as the bus, it
was my favorite part.
Hey, there, Mr. Fielding!
Bye, there, Mr. Fielding!
We just wanted to say thank you.
Because of your good lawyering,
General Frumpton gave
us a financial reward
in exchange for our silence.
So that's why you
took the plea deal, huh?
Screwed me for a little bit of money.
- It was a lot of bit of money.
- Yeah
But some of it is for you.
No, I don't want your curse.
[COUGHING] Ohh!
$300,000?
We're using the rest to
open our own theme park
Wheeler World.
It's like a water park but with mud.
We're looking for investors.
Yes. I would, um, like
to invest in my future.
There you go.
Please never come back.
We could never quit him.
Still no word from Abby.
No, but I have a Google alert set
for "blonde, judge, terrible accident."
[CELLPHONE DINGS]
Oh. False alarm.
Heidi Klum fell off a trampoline.
There's someone who hasn't
been struck by indoor lightning!
- Did your date go well?
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you get a good-night kiss?
- Mm-hmm.
Did that kiss do something to you
that makes it hard for you to speak?
[WHEELER-ESQUE] What makes ya say that?
Why are you talking like a Wheeler?
[GASPS] The curse!
It's not a curse.
What it was, was we was
kissing in the French style,
and I had a reaction
to the shrimp he ate.
So now my lips are numb
and my tongue is big.
Abby, if this is what
happens after only one date,
we're all in grave danger.
Come on! There's no
such thing as a curse.
Okay. Look.
There's a great
person out there for you.
But you're never gonna find him
if a piano lands on your head.
Dagnabbit. You guys are so sweet.
- Oh, hell no!
- Get that cursed monkey paw
away from me!
Okay. Fine. I'll call it off.
"Crash. We can't see each other no more.
Goodbye forever."
There. Did it.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Fine. I'll done do
it for real this time.