Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e13 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
La la la la la! I don't think I've ever seen you so happy.
Me neither.
Which is a really sad commentary on Hilda's life.
Hilda always gets this excited when she's gonna see our cousin Zsa Zsa Goowhiggie.
- Gesundheit.
- She's my favourite relative.
She's a great practical joker.
Tons of fun.
If you call putting killer bees in someone's bonnet "fun.
" Oh, well, maybe you were too swollen to laugh.
Well, I'm gonna say my hellos and then get back to work on my subatomic microphone.
Still trying to prove electrons can hear? - Don't laugh.
- Because they might hear me? And you, instead of fooling around with Zsa Zsa, you should be practising your violin.
- You've got an audition in two days.
- Which is two days away.
[HISSING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[THUD, HILDA EXCLAIMS.]
This is vintage Zsa Zsa.
Okay, Zsa Zsa, you can morph into your human form now.
Gotcha.
[SCREAMS.]
So.
"Goowhiggie.
" Is that Swedish? Other leprechauns look up to me.
There you go.
When did you start selling cosmetics? When the trust fund dried up.
Ooh! Here is the latest beauty product from the Other Realm.
"Instant Hobo"? What, when the jar's empty, you can live in it? [LAUGHS.]
I think I'm getting bags under my eyes.
Okay, you all missed your cue to say: "No, Salem, you look fine.
" That means I need some concealer.
Salem, I'd love to sell you some products, but your name's all over the bad checklist.
- What about my aliases? - They're gonna have baggy eyes too.
[SOBS.]
Zelda.
- This colour could be for you.
- Oh? - Oh! Oh! - Ha-ha-ha-ha.
You know, they must miss you two at the Algonquin.
- Whoo! - I'd love to stick around and wonder what you two have been drinking.
- But I gotta get to school.
- Oh, Sabrina.
Sabrina, please, try this blush.
I wonder what's gonna pop out and cause you two to laugh uncontrollably.
Hmm.
- Hey.
Nice colour.
ZSA ZSA: Uh-huh.
SABRINA: Not bad.
- Really.
- Thank you, Zsa Zsa.
- Oh, you're welcome.
[CHUCKLING.]
Bye-bye.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
HARVEY: Hey, Sabrina.
Ho.
Did you enrol in clown college? Uh! Zsa Zsa.
Harvest season at my aunts' vineyard.
So did you sign up to take any college-prep classes? Oh, I decided I'm not taking the SATs.
I'm gonna be a mechanic, so I'm not going to college.
Really? No college? What a day.
Who would've thought an executive vice president would have so much to do? Drive.
So what if your engine's on fire? What are you, a girl? - Harvey, I'm home.
- Oh, hey, honey.
Did you see the new car? Yeah, it looks like it's up on new blocks too.
And as soon as I find an engine and some tyres, I'm taking my girl for a ride.
[TIRES SCREECHING OVER TV.]
Oh, it's getting exciting.
[BELL RINGS.]
See you after class.
Wait, so you're really not gonna go to college? Nope.
Not even clown college? SALEM: Cha-cha-cha-cha.
Aha.
The concealer at last.
Hmm.
That cherry lipstick looks delicious.
No.
Beautify now, eat later.
Do you think I should be worried that Harvey isn't going to college? - I didn't go to college.
- He's doomed, I tell you.
Doomed.
Oh, I can't imagine what it would feel like to have no drive, so little ambition.
Not that that's a bad thing.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be so driven.
- You never had time for fun.
- I have fun.
Working nonstop to achieve a goal is enormously pleasurable.
Oh, that's right.
They have that new all-work ride at Disneyworld.
May I offer a suggestion? Walk-a-mile moccasins.
You each buy a pair and then switch.
They help you understand how the other person feels.
Couldn't we just have extensive family therapy? Maybe we should try them, Hilda.
It's only a mile, and they're pink.
Well, I can see why you'd want to be like me, but why would I want to be like you? All right.
Ah.
Yes.
Now switch.
SALEM: Say, everyone, are there still bags under my eyes? Salem, where are you? SALEM: I'm right here, in front-- Oh, dear Lord.
I used too much concealer.
- I'm invisible.
- And in debt.
But on the bright side, you really can't see those bags.
[SALEM SOBBING.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Knock, knock.
Oh, hi, Zsa Zsa.
I don't have any time for any pranks, so just leave the joy buzzer, and I'll shock myself with it later.
This is business, honey.
Now, I overheard about your little friend, Harvey, and I've got the perfect product.
- "Pure Ambition"? - It's a cologne.
A little dab, and your man will be more ambitious than the entire William Morris mailroom put together.
Whoa, it's a little musky.
Well, they do say that success is 99 percent perspiration.
Gross.
I'll take it.
Put it on my aunts' tab.
I'm telling you, man, this East German transmission's driving me crazy.
I figure it's either a valve or they're plotting to take over the world again.
- Harvey.
I got you a present.
- What for? Boyfriend's Day.
It's a holiday that the retailers came up with to fill in the slow sale season between Christmas and Easter.
Just put it on.
Ew.
It smells like my dog when he's rolled in something dead.
But I like it.
Hey, after I replace that valve, I think I'm gonna overhaul the whole engine.
You're not talking about SATs, are you? Come on, man, we can fix this car.
We just need to be a little more ambitious.
After you fix the car, you're gonna drive it to a college-recruitment centre? Right? I guess a little dab didn't do him.
We've been wearing these moccasins for a while, and I don't feel any different.
Do you? No.
Although I do have a sudden urge to track bear.
Hey, Hildie.
Wanna fill up all the holes on the golf course? No, thanks.
I'm going to practise my violin.
And I have research to do.
Although golf-course high jinks sound like fun.
Ah! Hey.
Hoo.
Oh, the smell.
It's not that bad, is it? [GROANS.]
- Where are you going? - To bathe.
And to take the practise SAT test.
Ah.
The sweet stench of success.
Ahem.
Hello? Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Oh, I think you do.
Excuse me, shopkeeper.
Do be a sport and let me out of here, would you? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh, didn't you say that somebody was coming over from the grant committee for a presentation? Oh, that's right.
- And I've got to get right to work.
- Mm-hm.
- Just one more call.
- One more.
[GIGGLES.]
Salem? SALEM [IN DEEP VOICE.]
: Salem's not here.
Oh, well, then he won't want me to open any of those cans for him.
SALEM: Oh.
Wait, here he is now.
Salem, how about some of that sockeye? SALEM [NORMAL VOICE.]
: Love some.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, bright boy.
You might be invisible, but these cans aren't.
- Put these away.
SALEM: Party pooper.
And put that tongue back in your mouth.
Don't you have some research to do? - Hildie.
Your nose is running.
- No, it isn't.
- Uh-huh.
- Yes, it is.
[GASPS.]
I'm just glad I don't play a wind instrument.
[GIGGLING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[BELL RINGS.]
So you seem to be working hard.
How do you think you did? Oh, I forgot about the test.
I was drawing up my design for the new racecar I'm gonna build.
It's completely aerodynamic, and it has 17 cup holders.
I'm gonna get Zsa Zsa right in the Goowhiggie.
[SPRAYING.]
That Ambition cologne only made Harvey more ambitious towards cars and beverage caddies.
Well, Harvey's ambition needs to expand beyond his usual horizons.
The cologne may not be enough.
I'm not buying any more stuff.
Well, I'm not sure I have anything that's appropriate, although I did sell the Ambition deodorant to Bill Gates.
But it's not for Harvey.
- Bill Gates? - Mm-hm.
And Michael Eisner, he swears by Ambition shampoo.
But it's not for Harvey.
Oh, and he wouldn't be interested in the Ambition after-shave.
I'll take the whole line of Ambition products.
Wonderful.
And with your $40 purchase, you'll receive this lovely tote bag.
- Forty dollars? - Forty dollars.
- Put it on my aunts' tab.
- Mmm.
[LAUGHS.]
Ooh.
Ambition is a good product.
Almost as good as my favourite perfume, Reverse Psychology.
Man, these Ambition products are heavy.
[SALEM GIGGLING.]
- Salem.
SALEM: I love these free rides.
Although I could've done without your stopover in the bathroom.
Harvey will never put these products on willingly.
Just gonna have to do it the hard way.
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[SPRAYING.]
Oh, hey.
I'm so glad to see you.
I just came to an incredible decision.
I'm gonna do everything I can to achieve my full potential.
Oh, that's great.
And you're starting out by clearing out your locker? I'm starting by dropping out of school.
That's not gonna look good on your college application.
Hey, so why are you dropping out of school? - To be a mechanic? - Of course not.
I'm gonna pool my lawn-mowing, paper-route money together and put a down payment on a garage.
I'm gonna be an owner-operator.
Great.
So was Goober Pyle.
I am here to interview Zelda Spellman regarding her grant proposal.
I'll go get her.
Zelda is a terrific researcher.
Very hardworking, dedicated, professional.
[ZSA ZSA AND ZELDA LAUGHING.]
HILDA: Zelda.
Zelda.
This is Boris Lermontov, the head of the grant committee.
Oh, Mr.
Lermontov.
Please sit down.
- Ahem.
- All the way down.
- Oh.
- I can't find my spectacles.
[ZSA ZSA AND ZELDA LAUGHING.]
Here they are.
I'm sorry.
The house isn't level.
I suppose you find time to do actual research between guffaws.
I'm sorry.
I would like to get serious and discuss my latest endeavour, - the wedgie project.
- Aaah! [LAUGHING.]
So it did make the boy ambitious.
If you consider foregoing a high-school diploma to spend time with leaky carburettors ambitious.
- And I do.
- Just tell me how to reverse the effect.
Sorry.
Once Ambition has been applied, you have to let it run its course.
Great.
Well, this is as ambitious as he'll get, right? Should be.
You just used a little, didn't you? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Harvey? Let me guess.
You haven't been working on cars, have you? No.
And I've got great news.
Instead of going to the bank for a loan, I got on the Internet and used my savings to buy yen, which I converted into German marks, and put the whole thing on pork bellies.
And when I left home, I was up $11 million.
Course, it's all on paper.
Eleven million dollars? Think of the college you could afford.
Good idea.
Maybe I'll buy one.
SALEM: Ha-ha-ha.
- Salem, stop that.
SALEM: I'm invisible, and you can't catch me.
I'm invisible, and you can't-- SALEM [MUFFLED VOICE.]
: You will hear from my lawyer.
God bless Claude Rains.
Well, Boris Lermontov called.
Looks like I'm not getting that grant.
And after that wedgie, he's joining the Vienna Boys Choir.
I hope this teaches you to act more responsibly.
Oh, you're right.
I really need to.
ZSA ZSA: Here I come.
Hide.
Zsa Zsa's it.
HARVEY: Cancel my 5:00.
Tell the mayor I can't make his fundraiser, but tell the governor I can make his.
Now, I want you-- - Harvey, what's going on? - Excuse me.
But you can't talk to Mr.
Kinkle without an appointment.
It's okay.
I've got 30 seconds free if we keep walking.
Well, it's good to see you're back in school.
Yep.
I'm here to see how much it'll cost to knock it down.
- What? - I need a headquarters for my empire.
So I'm gonna rase the entire block and put up a skyscraper.
But you can't.
There's a orphanage and a retirement home on this block.
And lucky for me, old folks and kids are bad negotiators.
Sabrina, you should drop out of school.
I've got enough money to support both of us.
And despite your intelligence, I think you'd make a great trophy wife.
I've gotta do something.
I can't stand what Harvey's become.
Dope fiend? Degenerate gambler? Petty thief? An aggressive, ambitious multimillionaire.
How awful.
- Tell Harvey I always liked him.
- I've gotta show him he's going down the wrong path.
Well, why not cast a prognosis-hypnosis spell? Shows a person what could happen if they keep doing what they're doing.
- There's such a spell? - It's a classic.
And it's perfect for this situation.
Thanks, Salem.
Is there anything I can do for you? [SARCASTICALLY.]
No.
Can't think of a thing.
- Okay.
Gotta go.
- Uh-- Sabrina.
I'm-- [SOBS.]
Curse my sarcastic nature.
Harvey? Harvey Kinkle? Move it.
Sabrina? Did my parents let you in? I'm here to show you your future.
No more lobster and chocolate cake before bed.
Who's that? Trixie, your third wife.
As vacant and as dimwitted a woman as ever walked this Earth.
- Great bone structure.
- Mm.
Hello, family.
Father's home.
Now, I must get back to the office.
Harvey.
Honey.
Rex and Lucy have been feeling a bit down lately.
- And they are? - Your children.
- Oh, right, right.
- I'm not sure they feel loved.
Oh, no problem.
I'll have my secretary write them an affectionate note.
TRIXIE: About that.
I think you've seen enough.
Let's go.
What's all this? It might have something to do with the chemical plant you put on the football field.
Fair enough, but why the gas masks? HARVEY: What's all this? The results of years of Kinkle Inc.
's desecration of the land in the name of corporate profits.
- Wow.
- See that one lone tree over there? That's the state park you commissioned.
If people don't like all this, why don't they just move to the country? This is the country.
You should see what you've done to the city.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Let me guess, my birthday party? No.
Your funeral.
[GUESTS CHEERING.]
Everyone is glad you're dead.
Because you and your boundless ambition have systematically wiped out all that is good and right with the world.
- Wow.
- Something to think about, huh? So now that you've seen your future, how do you feel? Bad.
You know what I regret most? - Everything? - That state park.
- What a waste of space.
- Uh-- Aunt Zelda, I really messed up.
I need some sage-aunt advice.
Sure, honey.
Just let me finish melting my army men.
Sabrina.
I just heard on the radio that they're demolishing your school tomorrow to make way for, and I quote, "Industrialist Harvey Kinkle's new chemical plant.
" Did I mention I might have dumped some Ambition products on Harvey? Mm.
And things turned out well, I see.
Aunt Zelda, what am I gonna do? Very unsafe, Private Ryan.
Let's take a look at Ambition's ingredients and have a talk with Zsa Zsa.
Something's weird here.
Cousin Zsa Zsa, you sold me Ambition with no Perspective.
And that's dangerous.
You've sold Blind Ambition.
Perspective is imported.
It's very expensive.
Well, import some now.
I mean it.
Okay, okay.
There's your Perspective.
- Put it on Sabrina's tab.
ZSA ZSA: Mm.
[SCREAMS.]
MAN: Should we have the bulldozer roll over the protesters, sir? HARVEY: No.
Get their names and addresses and remind me to destroy their lives later.
Okay, Harvey, time for a little Perspective.
Gross, gross, gross.
MAN: Sir, are you ready to break ground? Let's not tear down the school.
I like the food, and I've heard good things about the educational stuff.
And I'd like to give all my money to the orphans and old people.
And old orphans get twice as much.
I gotta get back to working on that engine.
I feel like my old self again: relaxed, content and broke.
It's good to have you back, Harvey.
But did you have to give it all away? My dad thinks I might have had what's known as a manic episode.
Ha.
So glad your dad figures these things out.
Heh.
Well, here's my SAT-prep class.
Mind if I join you? - Really? - Yep.
I want to be the brightest, best-educated, most widely read mechanic there is.
I love a boy with ambition.
[SNIFFS.]
Huh.
Your moccasins are off my feet.
Wow.
Well, good.
Maybe you can buckle down and get your work done and stop with the pranks.
Yours are gone too.
Wow.
You know, that was a really interesting experiment.
I rue losing the grant, and yet there was a certain lightness in not feeling so driven.
I found that-- [BLOWS HORN.]
I'm back.
Sabrina.
Could you either remove these bandages or kill me? Ah.
Oh-ho.
[SCREAMING.]
[THUD, SALEM GRUNTS.]
- Salem, you're visible again.
- Yes.
But I think I've broken every bone in my body.
So could you please put the bandages back on? Well, thanks for coming, Cousin Zsa Zsa.
Aside from the fact that you switched Hilda and Zelda's personalities, almost destroyed my boyfriend's soul, made Salem invisible, and took us for every penny we've got it's been a nice visit.
And I've got a present for you.
It's a clue to the family secret.
Never gets old.
Actually, a snake really is a clue to the family secret.
Well, I'm off.
Toodles.
Bye.
Well, I'm glad we threw out all those Ambition products.
All that was left was a little bit of shampoo.
Oh, no.
I think I used it to clean tape off Salem.
How many times do I have to tell you? Greed is good.
Greed clarifies.
Greed strengthens.
Now get me Trump on the horn, pronto.
Yes, I'll hold.