Scorpion (2014) s03e13 Episode Script
Faux Money Maux Problems
1 GIRL: E-Excuse me.
Hi, sweetheart, are you okay? I I can't find my mom.
We got separated on our hike.
It's okay.
We're gonna find her.
I'm Joanne.
What's your name? Paige.
That's a pretty name.
We're gonna start at the head of the trail, all right? Come on.
Oh, nice work, cutie.
CABE: Mr.
Dodd, parking in West Altadenia is atrocious.
How are you going to improve it? Since I ride the bus, I think a logical option would be for more people to use public transportation.
My opponent is a dork.
I win.
What? I answered everything honestly.
Honesty will get you points at the Pearly Gates-- in politics, it gets you crushed.
Hello, everybody.
SYLVESTER: Veronica.
Hi.
You're here.
Just for a bit.
Oh, is this debate prep for the alderman election? Yeah, if you can call it that.
So, who've you been on the run from? Funny.
A business deal jumped off quick, and I just had to hit the road before saying good-bye.
And couldn't be contacted for weeks.
Is Paige here? She's dropping your grandson off at school.
Well, I'm sure she's mad at me for disappearing, but you know, when opportunity arises, you just have to reach out and grab it.
Entrepreneurship is what makes this country great.
When it comes to debate prep, there's a lot you could learn from this woman.
All I've heard is obfuscation.
Exactamundo.
First of all, Sly, you should always redirect.
Answer the question you wish had been asked instead of the one that was.
CABE: Like when Allie asked me if I liked vegan food.
I said yes.
I like broccoli and carrots.
I just left out that I like them next to a steak.
That sounds like a lie.
No, it's a pivot.
I will admit that it has forced me to supplement my protein intake with a lot of jerky.
Yes, I have noticed.
(horn blowing) Everyone, everything is about to change for the better.
Oh, look who's back.
So, Paige will be very interested.
About Paige, I really need to talk with her.
Do you Eh, not until you have the conch.
Oh, boy.
In the wake of Tim's recent departure, it was made clear to me that my decision-making could be a bit, um Tyrannical.
I was gonna say unilateral, but your input is heard and appreciated.
Overcompensation by way of agreeability and inclusion.
Got it.
Wrong.
But appreciated.
Anyway, we're a team.
Everyone's feelings should be heard, not just mine.
Anyone that graduated middle school knows the conch method.
It's from Lord of the Flies.
You know this'll flame out when you eventually snap like a rubber band; being genial isn't your nature.
That's wrong, and, uh, appreciated.
Since today's case is relatively simple, I figured we could implement, uh, a soft tryout? Transportation for Crooning Crane Winery will be here very soon.
We have a private job to revamp their viticulture technology with selective harvesters and optical sorters.
Can I have the shell? Please.
Uh, real quick.
Wait.
HAPPY: Uh, Toby and I forgot my model for the sap flow sensors.
What? The client's minutes away.
But, uh, I'm sure there's a good reason.
Uh, we were awake all night in a wedding venue rabbit hole.
In other words, we spaced, but we'll get it and we'll meet you at the winery.
Thank you.
So, I need to The client.
I'm sorry.
Miss Walker.
Paige will be with us in a minute, and Toby and Happy will be joining us at the winery.
But we provided transportation for the whole team, so everyone could sample the wines before arriving.
Mm, adding roughly ten percent to our overall job time.
So, how about a ten percent discount in our fee? I just need to make a quick call.
Of course.
(clears throat) Walter, the conch? Yup.
VERONICA: I have to talk to Paige for a few minutes before you leave.
I hear you, but the client is already testy.
Oh, I may have a solution.
My bad.
I hit so much traffic.
What if I said it's Bring Your Mom to Work Day? PAIGE: I'd say that it doesn't exist.
I'd ask you where you've been, but I'd just get a lie.
So, why are you here? I'm just hitching a ride to the vineyard, then I'm gonna get a cab to the airport.
PAIGE: Skipping town.
I expect you to disappear, but I can't forgive you for doing that to Ralph.
I'm gonna make it up to him, honey.
That's why I'm here.
I PAIGE: Don't.
I'll tell him you said good-bye.
Just leave.
Okay? CABE: Why don't you have a drink, kid? It'll take the edge off.
As my Italian forebears would say Cabe.
What? I give a healthy pour.
VERONICA: What was the name of the guy who hated the Smurfs? Gargamel.
Oh, I think he's driving that SUV right there.
Look.
Guys, we're being drugged.
No, we're just getting liquored up.
Yeah.
(both laugh) No, smell it.
The air, it smells sweet.
It's kevloturane.
It's a subtle knockout gas.
Maybe we should all take a nap.
W-W-We're moments away from being unconscious.
Here.
It won't budge.
PAIGE: Locked.
I got this.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Kevloturane is flammable.
If a bullet creates a spark, then the limo will explode.
Why don't we all pop corks of the champagne bottles at a single window? Okay.
Yes! Yes.
Okay.
Shake the bottles to build up pressure, and then release the corks at every corner of the windows.
Are you ready? On three.
One Two (bottles clanking) (groans softly) (Walter mumbles) Oh.
Where the hell are we? CABE: Somewhere we're not getting out of without Happy.
Look.
Card reader.
âNo fumar.
â âAguaâ.
Spanish? I'm not sure that we're in the United States.
Look, Central American outlets.
Someone drugged us and flew us out of the country? They took our wallets and our phones.
Okay, list of Central American countries with three and a half hour flight time from Los Angeles.
WALTER: Look.
High-end printing press and recently printed sheets of U.
S.
$100 bills.
This is a counterfeiting operation? What do they want with us? Oh, no.
We're being set up.
Did you have something to do with this? Absolutely not as far as I know.
This team gets into a lot of trouble, but we never get kidnapped.
Toby got kidnapped.
We don't get kidnapped en masse.
Okay.
El Salvador, Guatemala Oh, I hope it's not Norteguay.
Well, that's just bad as North Korea.
And Norteguay's been rattling their sabers at the U.
S.
ever since that last round of sanctions.
Threatening to kidnap our scarediest geeks? CABE: But their threats are nonspecific, and their dictator, Alejandro Durante, he calls them âearth-shattering.
â Now, he's the kind of guy, he starves his own people.
He feeds his enemies to his killer dogs.
(whispering): Oh, God, I hope it's not Norteguay.
(electronic beep) Lucinda? What exactly is going on? On behalf of our beloved leader, I welcome you to Norteguay.
Oh, boy.
Scorpion 3x13 Faux Money Maux Problems You've been brought here to rectify the damage Norteguay has suffered from crippling U.
S.
sanctions.
Your own guy caused that, not us.
My brother, President Durante, is not the problem.
His mission is to reclaim the glory of Norteguay, using the same means by which it was stolen.
The U.
S.
denied you dollars, so you're gonna make fake ones.
You'll finish creating half a billion in counterfeit American dollars.
LUCINDA: When you're done, you'll be released.
I'm not sure I'm buying that.
Finish? Who's the guy that started them? Wait Anders Dietrich.
Swiss Professor of Criminology who specialized in counterfeiting.
He disappeared a month ago at his office at the University of Geneva.
Probably took the same limo ride as us.
Where is he now? The professor was unable to replicate the American bill's newest innovations, the 3-D holographic strip and the varnish seal.
His memory should serve as a motivator not to fail at those two tasks.
His memory We're not counterfeiters.
According to dark site discussions you expertly faked UN ID badges and created an exact 3D-printed replica of a 2,000-year-old ceremonial bowl from Djibouti.
Now, if you're uncapable, we have bullets with your names on them.
Guilty as charged.
We make 'em, we fake 'em, we turn 'em over to you, you take 'em.
That's our motto.
Start copying and printing the holographic strips.
When the rest of your team arrives, Dr.
Curtis will balance the biochemical dyes for the phosphorous varnish.
And your engineer will configure the plates.
Which means they're on their way or you haven't caught them.
And if you haven't, good luck.
They'll be here soon.
So get the job done or your non-geniuses die.
You're not gonna kill a U.
S.
federal agent, and Paige is the only way these guys can function.
And without me, you're going to be printing bills that even a clerk at the 7-Eleven could spot.
You? You're the one I kill first.
Really? Because your phosphorous varnish won't work.
The U.
S.
government says publicly that's what it uses, but it's a red herring.
You need hydroquinone.
Mom.
They seem to know what they're talking about.
The phosphorous looks good at first, but it dries sticky.
Uh, feel free to look up my criminal record.
I served ten months for counterfeiting perfect copper mine deeds.
Couldn't be prouder.
We can try your method.
If it fails, you die.
We have the chemicals in another room.
It's a two-woman job.
LUCINDA: If that press isn't running within an hour, I'll send someone to encourage you to work faster.
You two, come.
(rapid beeps, latch opens) (door closes) No windows, no vents, and a door we don't have a card for.
Maybe Happy and Toby didn't get captured, maybe they're looking for us.
Maybe.
That's puckish, yet playful.
Still no answer from any of them.
It's been three hours.
(woman clears throat) I'm sorry, this is a no phone zone.
If you want to tour the winery, you have to leave your phones here.
I'm sorry.
This one isn't used to classy places.
(burps) There could be a back up on PCH.
Cell service sucks by the cliffs.
You know what I think? I think Wally isn't as conch-friendly as he thinks he is.
I think it burns his tuchas that we weren't prepared for this job today.
He had Lucinda take him to that winery tasting room by Zuma Beach.
Petty punishments aren't Walt's style.
It's inefficient.
Yeah, well, we're sitting here like suckers.
He's punishing us.
You don't seem to mind that much.
(gulps) When in Rome.
Why don't we roam around the grounds, check it out? Could be a sweet spot to tie the knot.
Those two trays side by side.
Chemical bath on the left, water bath on the right.
You sure know a lot about this.
Yeah, well, you pick up a few things.
What are you doing? You know, just getting the lay of the land.
(car drives by in the distance) (rapid beeps, door unlatches) Fantastic.
And now, what is your name? Luiz.
Luiz, could you be a sweetheart? In my bag that you confiscated is my lip balm.
I find the air in your country very dry.
(rapid beeps, door unlatches) And, you know, I'm used to L.
A.
, kind of, ocean breeze.
I'll get it.
(door slides shut) Get those towels.
Um, since you mentioned Los Angeles, why can't you stay there? What are you running from? You remember the old Tennessee Flop? You worked that one with me once.
I don't remember all the scams, Mom, I was nine.
Well, the Tennessee Flop is the reason I can't stay in L.
A.
Don't you ever tire of running? Does it ever occur to you that disappearing will break Ralph's heart? Did he say that? He didn't have to.
And you know what else will break his heart? Is if he never sees me again.
You're right.
Okay.
I could swear that, when I was at that vent, I could hear a car a few miles away.
Okay, how does that help us? If we (rapid beeps, door unlatches) Now get to work.
Gracias.
Now, we may be stuck upstairs but Walter's just beneath us.
There's a tree line not that far out.
I think I can figure out a way out of here.
We just need our new pal Luiz to make a delivery.
Ready.
SYLVESTER: Ready.
(softly): Good.
Okay.
Check it out.
Wow, our holographic strip is indistinguishable from the authentic strip.
What do we think these guys are gonna buy with this fake money? CABE: Loose nuclear material.
Chemical weapons.
Anything that can bring the U.
S.
to its knees.
Fantastic.
Our host is gonna expect this machine to be up and running soon.
Yeah, problem is, the sooner we're done with the task, the sooner we're extraneous.
(rapid beeps, door unlatches) LUIZ: Varnish sample.
The lady said to make sure to test both sides.
And Lucinda said that, if that press is not running in five minutes that I should paint the walls red.
SYLVESTER: I think that was a euphemism.
Not about redecorating.
Test both sides? The bills are made of one material.
Side is irrelevant.
Maybe she didn't mean both sides of the dollar.
(groans, then chuckles) Maybe she meant both sides of the tub.
âTree line 50 feet out on printer side.
Cars 3 miles away.
â CABE: Well, that's all great and all, but how we gonna walk through cinder blocks? Well, maybe we can drill through it.
We can use the spools from the printing press.
If we offset them a foot, we could use them to drill through.
CABE: And all our pals will hear is this metallic beast churning out bills.
Except they have a habit of walking in unannounced.
Well, I may have a solution for that, too.
But it would mean destroying your Super Fun Guy utility watch.
(Toby scoffs) You call that oaky? How many tastes does that make? They have 16 varietals, it's not my fault I'm thorough.
Come to the barrel shed with me? Yes, ma'am.
The booze must be affecting my receptors.
I had no idea you were feeling frisky.
Hey, shut up, you idiot.
There's a guy in a brown jacket who's been tailing us for five minutes, maybe even longer.
Was he holding his arm close to his waist? Yeah.
I think he's packing a gun.
You're just telling me now? Well, you wouldn't shut up about the sturdiness of the Pinot noir.
Okay, well, Walter's not punishing us.
The guys must be in trouble and we're goofing off drinking wine.
What's this about âweâ? MAN: Don't move.
You're coming with me.
We're gonna be joining the rest of your team.
Duck! (gunshots) HAPPY: Truck, truck, truck! You drive! I'm pickled! (whistles) Shut up.
(engine starts) (machine whirring) Tell your boss it's up and running.
CABE: Shouldn't be more than a couple of hours and those pallets will be full.
(rapid beeps) Gotcha.
WALTER: Okay, the red is the wire to the hard drive.
Sly, your watch? And you can expect a hard drive like this to keep records for a month.
12:35, 2:52, 5:01.
So the reader registers an entry every two hours.
That's when the guards make their rounds.
That gives us an hour and 59 minutes to get through the wall, get help, and come back before they return.
If we're late, they kill Veronica and Paige.
Then we better do this right.
All right.
All right, ready? Yeah.
Looks like it's working! (faint drilling in the distance) They're drilling through the wall.
It's faint, but I'd know that sound anywhere.
Don't even want to ask why.
SYLVESTER: There's a chance all this dust might clog the press.
If it shuts down, it'll alert the guards that something's off.
WALTER: We have to leave it on.
If we stop it, the guards will eventually come.
Fellas, I think I see some daylight.
Oh! They made it! WALTER: We need to move fast.
Only 81 minutes until the guard checks in.
(dogs barking in the distance) Anyone else hear dogs? (barking and snarling) Doesn't this dictator feed people to his hungry dogs? They don't sound too far off.
Run like hell! Still behind us.
Ah, and we have no weapon! I do have liquid courage.
What are you doing? No time to explain.
Keep her steady.
(yelps) (gun clicking) Happy, I saw a pack of smokes and a lighter up there, I need a flame.
(grunts) (tires screeching) Okay.
That sobered me up.
(dogs barking) (panting) CABE: Stop! We're never gonna outrun them.
Let's get up in these trees! SYLVESTER: How did we not know about Cujo and Co.
? Well, the Norteguayans must let the dogs roam around the perimeter freely.
Veronica and Paige never saw them.
And the barking isn't a problem? Noise from the printing press will cover it.
Besides, if they knew we'd have escaped, we would have heard gunshots already.
Well, we can't just stay in a tree forever.
What we need is something to knock the dogs off of our scent.
What about cayenne pepper? Should be more than enough.
Rub it on the tree.
You know, it's this kind of ingenuity that makes you such a valuable team member.
Shut up and just rub that all over and get up that tree.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's go.
The tree Hurry up, I can see the dogs! Come on! (barking) How did you learn how to do all this? Remember when I worked at a graphic design firm when you were 12? Mm-hmm.
Well, it was less graphic design firm, and more fake bond scheme.
Unbelievable.
Do you hear that? I don't hear anything.
Exactly.
The printing press stopped running.
If it's off for more than a few minutes, Lucinda and the guards will go to see what's going on and see that the others escaped.
They couldn't rig that printing press to keep running for longer than that? I mean, some geniuses they are! Okay, I'm sure whatever they did was the best option available in the moment.
Well, the moment we're in is that your friends just ran off and left us here to die! Them escaping to the tree line was your idea! I gave them an option! They decided they could pull it off-- which, clearly, they can't! I was just trying to help! That's all I've ever done! All you've ever done? Are you kidding me? Did you help me and Dad every time you disappeared to run some con? Every time you got arrested in front of me? Every time you left us on our own? You have never helped me, ever! You have only hurt me, over and over.
I swear, I can't believe I let you back into my life! Paige What?! Pai-- Mom? Oh.
Mom? (gasps) Mom? I can't breathe.
Oh.
Get down here! We need some help! Oh, Pai-- oh! (gasps) Oh, my God! Mom! (door lock beeps) Please! What's going on in here? It just happened! Her heart.
Please! TOBY: Yeah, he's alive, but he's gonna be out for a while.
I bet you these zip ties were for us.
Lucky they're âone size fits all.
â What are you doin'? Looking for anything that'll give us some insight into what this guy is up to.
Like this key fob, for instance.
What it's for, I have no idea.
That might be our only chance to find the guys; we got to hack it and fast! To the Genius Lair! It's better than saying, âTo the dirty garage.
â Just move it.
Ow! Hurry up! She needs a doctor, not aspirin! LUCINDA: She's going nowhere.
If she's having a cardiac episode, aspirin will thin her blood.
(weakly): I have a bad heart.
It's been that way since I was little.
Just don't die before finishing the job.
(Lucinda speaking Spanish) (door lock beeps) Martin should have checked in by now.
(door opens) Try him again.
(door closes) I can't believe you.
You are out of your mind.
Standard Illinois Waltz.
You slipped into character just like it was an old shoe.
I wasn't in character, I thought you were dying! And if you were trying to buy us more time, that only got us a few extra minutes, at most.
I got us more than time.
Luiz's card key to all the rooms in the compound.
(sniffing) (whispers): They're not leaving.
Then we make it unpleasant for them to stay.
What are you doing? I'm making a dog whistle.
Actually, we're making the dog whistle.
I know all of us have our own roles and I shouldn't minimize each other's contributions.
Just shut up and tell us what we need to do.
Okay, get some of the tree sap from behind you and put it on your fingers and then send it my way.
SYLVESTER: You're reducing the air opening to create a high frequency.
Exactly.
And if I can distribute it evenly, then I should be able to get a whistle at above 16,000 hertz.
Okay, that should do it.
(high-pitched whistle blowing) (dog whining) Keep going, it's working.
(whining, barking) Hasta luego, fleabags! They won't be a problem anymore.
With all that cayenne, there's no way to get our scent back now.
Then let's move.
VERONICA: I saw more guards on the way to the bathroom at Perryville Prison.
Yeah, that's a good thing.
I know.
Strange.
Speaking of strange, you had no idea that my argument with you was a con, and you said some pretty hurtful things.
Yeah, well, I meant every word.
And you could've told me you were gonna fake a heart attack.
What is the first rule of the con artist? Believe the lie.
(sighs) If Lucinda hadn't believed that you were worried about me, she would have seen through the whole thing, so I insulted your friends, got you all riled up, and then grabbed my chest.
And you were worried for me, weren't you? I'm not talking about this right now.
You were worried.
(whispers): The door is just ahead.
We slip in, turn the printer on, nice and easy.
(door lock beeps) You made a very quick recovery.
Oh, no, my chest hurts.
Not gonna work, Mom.
Okay.
WALTER: Wait a minute.
Huh? What the hell? Where are we? You're in my way, jackasses! (gasps) USA! So the good news is: we never left home.
The bad news is: we have no idea what's really going on.
When we were unconscious, they even reprogrammed my watch to make us think that we flew for four hours, when they only drove us for one.
Why would they do all that? Psych ops.
A team that believes it's being held in a foreign dictatorship complies with captors' demands faster than one that thinks it's on home turf where it can be rescued.
But the Norteguayans wouldn't be here unless they were planning something much bigger than simple black market arms purchases.
You got any idea what that could be? No.
But right now, Paige and Veronica are our first priority.
Homeland Agent Cabe Gallo, got an emergency, need a secure landline.
Hold on, chief, you can't come in here and just start runnin' through my joint, especially when I don't see no badge.
You Corps? Yeah.
So you probably went into Pendleton, what, early '70s? May have had Drill Instructor Todd? DI Barrios.
Yeah, he was no picnic, either.
I ate the same slop off a shingle you did, mopped the same barracks.
From one Devil Dog to another, I need your phone.
There's an office in the back.
Hi.
I was not in the Marine Corps, but I was in student council.
So, do you have a cell phone I could borrow? HAPPY: This is pointless.
This is the only shot we have at finding the guys.
I just have to get past the encryption.
(phone ringing) Simi Valley? Who is this? WALTER: Where are you guys? We've been trying to call your cell phones.
Our cell phones are at Crooning Crane's no phone zone.
Where are you guys? Well, we thought we were kidnapped to a secret government compound in Norteguay, but it turns out it was just Simi Valley.
Yeah, well, that makes sense.
We got out, except Veronica and Paige, who are still back there.
Cabe's calling Homeland for backup.
Well, whoever came after you guys sent someone after us, too.
We got a key fob off the guy and we're using Sly's scanner to crack it, but it's encrypted.
Okay, uh, keep at it.
Pursue whatever avenue you think is best.
I trust your judgment implicitly.
You're getting real weird, Walt.
(door opens) (sighs) What's wrong? Homeland said to take a beat.
What? Why? Turns out Lucinda Durante isn't just the sister of Dictator Durante.
As of four months ago, she's also Norteguay's ambassador to the U.
S.
Giving her diplomatic immunity.
Tensions are high between our nations.
Any incident could set off a very dangerous chain reaction.
We can't just cuff her and take her to county.
Homeland's on the case, and they're making sure to cross every âTâ and dot every âI.
â And that's gonna take a while.
We don't have a while.
We need to go now.
CABE: Hey, buddy.
Any chance you could help? Gray pickup, outside.
Oh, I'm gonna need to borrow your cell.
Don't take this the wrong way, but a saloon like this has got to have protection.
Semper fi.
(speaks Spanish) LUCINDA: Come on, faster! Nothing left behind! LUIZ: Where are your friends? I don't know.
(gun hammer clicks) Where did they go? (truck approaching) LUCINDA: Go, go, go, go, go! Stay down! Stay down! They shot the tires.
I'll go see if I can find some wheels! You okay? Yeah.
We're all right.
I'm glad you guys made it.
WALTER: Well, not quick enough.
If we don't stop Lucinda, she's gonna get out of the country with $500 million in supernotes.
Why would she flee her own country? SYLVESTER: Yeah.
About that.
We're in Simi Valley.
(gasps) That woman is a genius.
She pulled off the Punxsutawney Peek-a-boo.
You're impressed.
Did Tchaikovsky get mad at Brahms? Yes, actually.
Guys, we have Veronica and Paige.
What about you? We cracked the key fob.
They're not leaving the country.
The fake compound was here for a reason.
The fob opens a door at 9891 Madera Road.
That must be where Lucinda is heading.
Yeah, well.
We don't have any way to get there.
Yes, we do.
In style.
(tires screech) Get in.
Okay.
But this time, we have to go with the windows rolled down the entire way.
Windows down? Cabe's been eating that jerky again.
Oh.
Veronica's bag, Sly's phone.
They must've left it here before.
Here.
SYLVESTER: So, based on all the gun-pointing and rope-tying, I assume they figured out that we'd gone, hmm? Got hairy but we stayed cool.
That's right.
You're welcome, by the way.
Excuse me? Oh, well, today we got kidnapped, locked in a room with toxic chemicals, shot at.
But you handled yourself like a champ.
I mean, yes.
I threw you in the deep end when you were a child, but you learned how to swim on your own.
You're turning abandonment into a recipe for successful parenting.
You can't argue with success.
(chuckles softly) We're here! This is just a regular warehouse.
Which means there's something very irregular inside.
If the Norteguayans were here, they're long gone now.
They were definitely here.
The biometric reader has been disabled.
And a little bit ajar.
(grunts) Cabe.
They disabled those cameras, too.
Toby, Happy, are you seeing this? HAPPY: Yeah.
Best guess is the warehouse is largely automated, and Lucinda paid off any minimal human security to not be there today.
Toby, is there any chance you can transmit the key fob's code to my phone? Uh, sending now.
(beeping) Great.
Holy stack of greenbacks.
VERONICA: This must be a federal way station.
PAIGE: What's a way station? CABE: Hidden Treasury locations across the country where they store cash before distributing it to banks.
HAPPY: Why would the Norteguayans need to print all those fake bills if they could just rob this place? 'Cause they didn't want to steal the money.
They wanted to leave the money.
The counterfeit cash is hidden here amongst the real currency.
Lucinda said the U.
S.
brought Norteguay to its knees via sanctions.
Now they want to hurt our economy.
HAPPY: By mixing a huge amount of fake cash in with the real, the dollar will devalue.
Once the public finds out about indistinguishable counterfeits, bank runs will begin as people start to fear that their cash is worthless.
It'll spread globally, it'll crash the world economy.
TOBY: Most devastating way to poison someone is to inject them right in the heart.
That way station is the heart of cash disbursement.
Homeland can quarantine the warehouse, destroy the bills, reprint the original allotment.
None of the bogus bills hit circulation.
Good work, team.
Yeah.
Or as I would say, good teamwork.
(alarm blares) Hey, hey, hey.
(grunts) (hissing) It's Lucinda.
They must've lain in wait to see if we followed her.
And now they're flooding the ventilation system with that gas from the limo.
Both tanks.
Fully opened.
(speaks in Spanish) (wheezing) It's worse than this morning.
(coughs) Well, it's an increased concentration.
This time, they're not just trying to knock us out, they're trying to kill us.
(grunting) We can't break it open.
It's a solid steel door, so we're not gonna be able to shoot our way out.
Toby, Happy, any update? We're trying to open them, but it's gonna take too long.
Can you guys close the vents manually? No.
Not from down here.
TOBY: Walt, this increased concentration of kevloturane means you're gonna skip loopy and go straight to pulmonary hemorrhage.
The tissue in your lungs will bleed out, and you will drown in your own blood.
With the volume of this warehouse, we have approximately four minutes until suffocation.
Uh, any chance these sprinklers go off? HAPPY: Gas isn't as dense as smoke.
It won't set off the alarm.
That's it.
Fire.
Kevloturane is flammable.
We can burn off the gas.
I have some matches.
In the limo, you said a single spark could cause an explosion.
Yeah.
That's what we want.
Are we all in agreement? I'm just going to grab the imaginary conch for a second here, and say that I am concerned that if you light that match, it means this entire building, us included, will go kablooey.
Okay.
I will set an explosion on a timer using the smoke alarm.
Potassium chlorate on match tips will ignite after a few seconds of connection to the batteries, and then we will ride it out in that vault.
Uh, I'm gonna take your invisible conch now, buddy, and tell you that your plan is crazier than a poophouse rat.
The steel should be strong enough to shield us from the blast.
Taking the virtual conch.
Agreeing with actual fiancée.
And if I could quickly just take the virtual conch, just for a second.
I Everyone stop with the virtual conch! You know who has the virtual conch? The guy with the 197 IQ! And this is what's happening to it.
(stomping) The conch is dead! I am the conch.
Scorpion is not a democracy.
It is a logical dictatorship.
And we are going to cover ourselves in that vault while I blow this place up and nobody is going to argue about it.
Yep.
Aren't you gonna try to talk him down? No.
(grunts) HAPPY: You're have five Mississippi to get your ass in that vault.
TOBY: More like five Oregon.
You better run! (explosion) Aah! You think, uh, any of this stuff is still passable? (door opens) Lucinda and her people are gonna be charged.
Feds said that diplomatic immunity doesn't apply since there's evidence of espionage.
Nice.
Adios, Lucinda.
These wedding venues are great, Doc, but I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause we almost kind of got kidnapped there, but I took a liking to Crooning Crane.
Let's tie the knot there? Happy, um Ugh.
(exhales) I can't afford my half of Crooning Crane.
I, um I stopped gambling, but that doesn't mean I stopped owing money to a few people.
It's, um I-It's like student debt, except I make payments to the University of Bruno.
I have been holding off on telling you, and I'm sorry.
Know what this is? It's junk.
Five figures worth of rare motorcycle parts.
I have a problem.
We're both broke? Mm.
That's great.
'Cause the truth is, I would marry you in Kovelsky's parking lot.
I don't care as long as we say our I do's.
I don't care either.
But let's not get married in a parking lot.
All right.
I could pawn a couple carburetors.
No.
Oh, look.
Grandma's back.
Grandma! Oh, Ralphy, honey, honey! I missed you so much.
RALPH: Want to see my new xenobiology book I just got from the library? Yeah! Why don't you go wash up for dinner and I'll be right there.
You took him to the library after all that happened today? He doesn't need the burden of knowing everything that goes wrong here.
You made me strong enough for the both of us, remember? I know you're being sarcastic, but I threw you in the water out past the breakers, and you swam in safe.
(inhales) SYLVESTER: Sorry to interrupt.
Paige, you are needed.
WALTER: The Secret Service was formed in 1865 with the express purpose of suppressing counterfeit currency.
152 years later, and you guys still haven't got the hang of it.
It was done in your own backyard.
You had no idea.
He's turned his debriefing session into a dress-down lecture.
The rubber band has snapped and it's hit those agents in the face.
You got to mediate this mess.
No.
Let him figure it out.
I'm trying a new approach.
I've been working with Walter for two and a half years.
I'm done being his water wings.
We've built a foundation together and the best way to help him is to throw him into the deep end.
I get it in theory, but the reality is this goes one of two ways: Walter learns to swim or he drowns.
HAPPY: We're on the news! NEWS REPORTER: An explosion at a warehouse in Simi Valley today injured four people.
Several passersby were also treated for smoke inhalation.
Authorities have Uh-oh.
What's wrong? I just look terrible.
You have the same look Toby has every time he runs into someone he owes money to.
Someone you're avoiding knows you're back in L.
A.
? They didn't.
But they will now.
NEWS REPORTER: scraps of money fluttering to the ground Paige, I'm gonna need your help on this one.
Do you remember the Kentucky Two Step?
Hi, sweetheart, are you okay? I I can't find my mom.
We got separated on our hike.
It's okay.
We're gonna find her.
I'm Joanne.
What's your name? Paige.
That's a pretty name.
We're gonna start at the head of the trail, all right? Come on.
Oh, nice work, cutie.
CABE: Mr.
Dodd, parking in West Altadenia is atrocious.
How are you going to improve it? Since I ride the bus, I think a logical option would be for more people to use public transportation.
My opponent is a dork.
I win.
What? I answered everything honestly.
Honesty will get you points at the Pearly Gates-- in politics, it gets you crushed.
Hello, everybody.
SYLVESTER: Veronica.
Hi.
You're here.
Just for a bit.
Oh, is this debate prep for the alderman election? Yeah, if you can call it that.
So, who've you been on the run from? Funny.
A business deal jumped off quick, and I just had to hit the road before saying good-bye.
And couldn't be contacted for weeks.
Is Paige here? She's dropping your grandson off at school.
Well, I'm sure she's mad at me for disappearing, but you know, when opportunity arises, you just have to reach out and grab it.
Entrepreneurship is what makes this country great.
When it comes to debate prep, there's a lot you could learn from this woman.
All I've heard is obfuscation.
Exactamundo.
First of all, Sly, you should always redirect.
Answer the question you wish had been asked instead of the one that was.
CABE: Like when Allie asked me if I liked vegan food.
I said yes.
I like broccoli and carrots.
I just left out that I like them next to a steak.
That sounds like a lie.
No, it's a pivot.
I will admit that it has forced me to supplement my protein intake with a lot of jerky.
Yes, I have noticed.
(horn blowing) Everyone, everything is about to change for the better.
Oh, look who's back.
So, Paige will be very interested.
About Paige, I really need to talk with her.
Do you Eh, not until you have the conch.
Oh, boy.
In the wake of Tim's recent departure, it was made clear to me that my decision-making could be a bit, um Tyrannical.
I was gonna say unilateral, but your input is heard and appreciated.
Overcompensation by way of agreeability and inclusion.
Got it.
Wrong.
But appreciated.
Anyway, we're a team.
Everyone's feelings should be heard, not just mine.
Anyone that graduated middle school knows the conch method.
It's from Lord of the Flies.
You know this'll flame out when you eventually snap like a rubber band; being genial isn't your nature.
That's wrong, and, uh, appreciated.
Since today's case is relatively simple, I figured we could implement, uh, a soft tryout? Transportation for Crooning Crane Winery will be here very soon.
We have a private job to revamp their viticulture technology with selective harvesters and optical sorters.
Can I have the shell? Please.
Uh, real quick.
Wait.
HAPPY: Uh, Toby and I forgot my model for the sap flow sensors.
What? The client's minutes away.
But, uh, I'm sure there's a good reason.
Uh, we were awake all night in a wedding venue rabbit hole.
In other words, we spaced, but we'll get it and we'll meet you at the winery.
Thank you.
So, I need to The client.
I'm sorry.
Miss Walker.
Paige will be with us in a minute, and Toby and Happy will be joining us at the winery.
But we provided transportation for the whole team, so everyone could sample the wines before arriving.
Mm, adding roughly ten percent to our overall job time.
So, how about a ten percent discount in our fee? I just need to make a quick call.
Of course.
(clears throat) Walter, the conch? Yup.
VERONICA: I have to talk to Paige for a few minutes before you leave.
I hear you, but the client is already testy.
Oh, I may have a solution.
My bad.
I hit so much traffic.
What if I said it's Bring Your Mom to Work Day? PAIGE: I'd say that it doesn't exist.
I'd ask you where you've been, but I'd just get a lie.
So, why are you here? I'm just hitching a ride to the vineyard, then I'm gonna get a cab to the airport.
PAIGE: Skipping town.
I expect you to disappear, but I can't forgive you for doing that to Ralph.
I'm gonna make it up to him, honey.
That's why I'm here.
I PAIGE: Don't.
I'll tell him you said good-bye.
Just leave.
Okay? CABE: Why don't you have a drink, kid? It'll take the edge off.
As my Italian forebears would say Cabe.
What? I give a healthy pour.
VERONICA: What was the name of the guy who hated the Smurfs? Gargamel.
Oh, I think he's driving that SUV right there.
Look.
Guys, we're being drugged.
No, we're just getting liquored up.
Yeah.
(both laugh) No, smell it.
The air, it smells sweet.
It's kevloturane.
It's a subtle knockout gas.
Maybe we should all take a nap.
W-W-We're moments away from being unconscious.
Here.
It won't budge.
PAIGE: Locked.
I got this.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Kevloturane is flammable.
If a bullet creates a spark, then the limo will explode.
Why don't we all pop corks of the champagne bottles at a single window? Okay.
Yes! Yes.
Okay.
Shake the bottles to build up pressure, and then release the corks at every corner of the windows.
Are you ready? On three.
One Two (bottles clanking) (groans softly) (Walter mumbles) Oh.
Where the hell are we? CABE: Somewhere we're not getting out of without Happy.
Look.
Card reader.
âNo fumar.
â âAguaâ.
Spanish? I'm not sure that we're in the United States.
Look, Central American outlets.
Someone drugged us and flew us out of the country? They took our wallets and our phones.
Okay, list of Central American countries with three and a half hour flight time from Los Angeles.
WALTER: Look.
High-end printing press and recently printed sheets of U.
S.
$100 bills.
This is a counterfeiting operation? What do they want with us? Oh, no.
We're being set up.
Did you have something to do with this? Absolutely not as far as I know.
This team gets into a lot of trouble, but we never get kidnapped.
Toby got kidnapped.
We don't get kidnapped en masse.
Okay.
El Salvador, Guatemala Oh, I hope it's not Norteguay.
Well, that's just bad as North Korea.
And Norteguay's been rattling their sabers at the U.
S.
ever since that last round of sanctions.
Threatening to kidnap our scarediest geeks? CABE: But their threats are nonspecific, and their dictator, Alejandro Durante, he calls them âearth-shattering.
â Now, he's the kind of guy, he starves his own people.
He feeds his enemies to his killer dogs.
(whispering): Oh, God, I hope it's not Norteguay.
(electronic beep) Lucinda? What exactly is going on? On behalf of our beloved leader, I welcome you to Norteguay.
Oh, boy.
Scorpion 3x13 Faux Money Maux Problems You've been brought here to rectify the damage Norteguay has suffered from crippling U.
S.
sanctions.
Your own guy caused that, not us.
My brother, President Durante, is not the problem.
His mission is to reclaim the glory of Norteguay, using the same means by which it was stolen.
The U.
S.
denied you dollars, so you're gonna make fake ones.
You'll finish creating half a billion in counterfeit American dollars.
LUCINDA: When you're done, you'll be released.
I'm not sure I'm buying that.
Finish? Who's the guy that started them? Wait Anders Dietrich.
Swiss Professor of Criminology who specialized in counterfeiting.
He disappeared a month ago at his office at the University of Geneva.
Probably took the same limo ride as us.
Where is he now? The professor was unable to replicate the American bill's newest innovations, the 3-D holographic strip and the varnish seal.
His memory should serve as a motivator not to fail at those two tasks.
His memory We're not counterfeiters.
According to dark site discussions you expertly faked UN ID badges and created an exact 3D-printed replica of a 2,000-year-old ceremonial bowl from Djibouti.
Now, if you're uncapable, we have bullets with your names on them.
Guilty as charged.
We make 'em, we fake 'em, we turn 'em over to you, you take 'em.
That's our motto.
Start copying and printing the holographic strips.
When the rest of your team arrives, Dr.
Curtis will balance the biochemical dyes for the phosphorous varnish.
And your engineer will configure the plates.
Which means they're on their way or you haven't caught them.
And if you haven't, good luck.
They'll be here soon.
So get the job done or your non-geniuses die.
You're not gonna kill a U.
S.
federal agent, and Paige is the only way these guys can function.
And without me, you're going to be printing bills that even a clerk at the 7-Eleven could spot.
You? You're the one I kill first.
Really? Because your phosphorous varnish won't work.
The U.
S.
government says publicly that's what it uses, but it's a red herring.
You need hydroquinone.
Mom.
They seem to know what they're talking about.
The phosphorous looks good at first, but it dries sticky.
Uh, feel free to look up my criminal record.
I served ten months for counterfeiting perfect copper mine deeds.
Couldn't be prouder.
We can try your method.
If it fails, you die.
We have the chemicals in another room.
It's a two-woman job.
LUCINDA: If that press isn't running within an hour, I'll send someone to encourage you to work faster.
You two, come.
(rapid beeps, latch opens) (door closes) No windows, no vents, and a door we don't have a card for.
Maybe Happy and Toby didn't get captured, maybe they're looking for us.
Maybe.
That's puckish, yet playful.
Still no answer from any of them.
It's been three hours.
(woman clears throat) I'm sorry, this is a no phone zone.
If you want to tour the winery, you have to leave your phones here.
I'm sorry.
This one isn't used to classy places.
(burps) There could be a back up on PCH.
Cell service sucks by the cliffs.
You know what I think? I think Wally isn't as conch-friendly as he thinks he is.
I think it burns his tuchas that we weren't prepared for this job today.
He had Lucinda take him to that winery tasting room by Zuma Beach.
Petty punishments aren't Walt's style.
It's inefficient.
Yeah, well, we're sitting here like suckers.
He's punishing us.
You don't seem to mind that much.
(gulps) When in Rome.
Why don't we roam around the grounds, check it out? Could be a sweet spot to tie the knot.
Those two trays side by side.
Chemical bath on the left, water bath on the right.
You sure know a lot about this.
Yeah, well, you pick up a few things.
What are you doing? You know, just getting the lay of the land.
(car drives by in the distance) (rapid beeps, door unlatches) Fantastic.
And now, what is your name? Luiz.
Luiz, could you be a sweetheart? In my bag that you confiscated is my lip balm.
I find the air in your country very dry.
(rapid beeps, door unlatches) And, you know, I'm used to L.
A.
, kind of, ocean breeze.
I'll get it.
(door slides shut) Get those towels.
Um, since you mentioned Los Angeles, why can't you stay there? What are you running from? You remember the old Tennessee Flop? You worked that one with me once.
I don't remember all the scams, Mom, I was nine.
Well, the Tennessee Flop is the reason I can't stay in L.
A.
Don't you ever tire of running? Does it ever occur to you that disappearing will break Ralph's heart? Did he say that? He didn't have to.
And you know what else will break his heart? Is if he never sees me again.
You're right.
Okay.
I could swear that, when I was at that vent, I could hear a car a few miles away.
Okay, how does that help us? If we (rapid beeps, door unlatches) Now get to work.
Gracias.
Now, we may be stuck upstairs but Walter's just beneath us.
There's a tree line not that far out.
I think I can figure out a way out of here.
We just need our new pal Luiz to make a delivery.
Ready.
SYLVESTER: Ready.
(softly): Good.
Okay.
Check it out.
Wow, our holographic strip is indistinguishable from the authentic strip.
What do we think these guys are gonna buy with this fake money? CABE: Loose nuclear material.
Chemical weapons.
Anything that can bring the U.
S.
to its knees.
Fantastic.
Our host is gonna expect this machine to be up and running soon.
Yeah, problem is, the sooner we're done with the task, the sooner we're extraneous.
(rapid beeps, door unlatches) LUIZ: Varnish sample.
The lady said to make sure to test both sides.
And Lucinda said that, if that press is not running in five minutes that I should paint the walls red.
SYLVESTER: I think that was a euphemism.
Not about redecorating.
Test both sides? The bills are made of one material.
Side is irrelevant.
Maybe she didn't mean both sides of the dollar.
(groans, then chuckles) Maybe she meant both sides of the tub.
âTree line 50 feet out on printer side.
Cars 3 miles away.
â CABE: Well, that's all great and all, but how we gonna walk through cinder blocks? Well, maybe we can drill through it.
We can use the spools from the printing press.
If we offset them a foot, we could use them to drill through.
CABE: And all our pals will hear is this metallic beast churning out bills.
Except they have a habit of walking in unannounced.
Well, I may have a solution for that, too.
But it would mean destroying your Super Fun Guy utility watch.
(Toby scoffs) You call that oaky? How many tastes does that make? They have 16 varietals, it's not my fault I'm thorough.
Come to the barrel shed with me? Yes, ma'am.
The booze must be affecting my receptors.
I had no idea you were feeling frisky.
Hey, shut up, you idiot.
There's a guy in a brown jacket who's been tailing us for five minutes, maybe even longer.
Was he holding his arm close to his waist? Yeah.
I think he's packing a gun.
You're just telling me now? Well, you wouldn't shut up about the sturdiness of the Pinot noir.
Okay, well, Walter's not punishing us.
The guys must be in trouble and we're goofing off drinking wine.
What's this about âweâ? MAN: Don't move.
You're coming with me.
We're gonna be joining the rest of your team.
Duck! (gunshots) HAPPY: Truck, truck, truck! You drive! I'm pickled! (whistles) Shut up.
(engine starts) (machine whirring) Tell your boss it's up and running.
CABE: Shouldn't be more than a couple of hours and those pallets will be full.
(rapid beeps) Gotcha.
WALTER: Okay, the red is the wire to the hard drive.
Sly, your watch? And you can expect a hard drive like this to keep records for a month.
12:35, 2:52, 5:01.
So the reader registers an entry every two hours.
That's when the guards make their rounds.
That gives us an hour and 59 minutes to get through the wall, get help, and come back before they return.
If we're late, they kill Veronica and Paige.
Then we better do this right.
All right.
All right, ready? Yeah.
Looks like it's working! (faint drilling in the distance) They're drilling through the wall.
It's faint, but I'd know that sound anywhere.
Don't even want to ask why.
SYLVESTER: There's a chance all this dust might clog the press.
If it shuts down, it'll alert the guards that something's off.
WALTER: We have to leave it on.
If we stop it, the guards will eventually come.
Fellas, I think I see some daylight.
Oh! They made it! WALTER: We need to move fast.
Only 81 minutes until the guard checks in.
(dogs barking in the distance) Anyone else hear dogs? (barking and snarling) Doesn't this dictator feed people to his hungry dogs? They don't sound too far off.
Run like hell! Still behind us.
Ah, and we have no weapon! I do have liquid courage.
What are you doing? No time to explain.
Keep her steady.
(yelps) (gun clicking) Happy, I saw a pack of smokes and a lighter up there, I need a flame.
(grunts) (tires screeching) Okay.
That sobered me up.
(dogs barking) (panting) CABE: Stop! We're never gonna outrun them.
Let's get up in these trees! SYLVESTER: How did we not know about Cujo and Co.
? Well, the Norteguayans must let the dogs roam around the perimeter freely.
Veronica and Paige never saw them.
And the barking isn't a problem? Noise from the printing press will cover it.
Besides, if they knew we'd have escaped, we would have heard gunshots already.
Well, we can't just stay in a tree forever.
What we need is something to knock the dogs off of our scent.
What about cayenne pepper? Should be more than enough.
Rub it on the tree.
You know, it's this kind of ingenuity that makes you such a valuable team member.
Shut up and just rub that all over and get up that tree.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's go.
The tree Hurry up, I can see the dogs! Come on! (barking) How did you learn how to do all this? Remember when I worked at a graphic design firm when you were 12? Mm-hmm.
Well, it was less graphic design firm, and more fake bond scheme.
Unbelievable.
Do you hear that? I don't hear anything.
Exactly.
The printing press stopped running.
If it's off for more than a few minutes, Lucinda and the guards will go to see what's going on and see that the others escaped.
They couldn't rig that printing press to keep running for longer than that? I mean, some geniuses they are! Okay, I'm sure whatever they did was the best option available in the moment.
Well, the moment we're in is that your friends just ran off and left us here to die! Them escaping to the tree line was your idea! I gave them an option! They decided they could pull it off-- which, clearly, they can't! I was just trying to help! That's all I've ever done! All you've ever done? Are you kidding me? Did you help me and Dad every time you disappeared to run some con? Every time you got arrested in front of me? Every time you left us on our own? You have never helped me, ever! You have only hurt me, over and over.
I swear, I can't believe I let you back into my life! Paige What?! Pai-- Mom? Oh.
Mom? (gasps) Mom? I can't breathe.
Oh.
Get down here! We need some help! Oh, Pai-- oh! (gasps) Oh, my God! Mom! (door lock beeps) Please! What's going on in here? It just happened! Her heart.
Please! TOBY: Yeah, he's alive, but he's gonna be out for a while.
I bet you these zip ties were for us.
Lucky they're âone size fits all.
â What are you doin'? Looking for anything that'll give us some insight into what this guy is up to.
Like this key fob, for instance.
What it's for, I have no idea.
That might be our only chance to find the guys; we got to hack it and fast! To the Genius Lair! It's better than saying, âTo the dirty garage.
â Just move it.
Ow! Hurry up! She needs a doctor, not aspirin! LUCINDA: She's going nowhere.
If she's having a cardiac episode, aspirin will thin her blood.
(weakly): I have a bad heart.
It's been that way since I was little.
Just don't die before finishing the job.
(Lucinda speaking Spanish) (door lock beeps) Martin should have checked in by now.
(door opens) Try him again.
(door closes) I can't believe you.
You are out of your mind.
Standard Illinois Waltz.
You slipped into character just like it was an old shoe.
I wasn't in character, I thought you were dying! And if you were trying to buy us more time, that only got us a few extra minutes, at most.
I got us more than time.
Luiz's card key to all the rooms in the compound.
(sniffing) (whispers): They're not leaving.
Then we make it unpleasant for them to stay.
What are you doing? I'm making a dog whistle.
Actually, we're making the dog whistle.
I know all of us have our own roles and I shouldn't minimize each other's contributions.
Just shut up and tell us what we need to do.
Okay, get some of the tree sap from behind you and put it on your fingers and then send it my way.
SYLVESTER: You're reducing the air opening to create a high frequency.
Exactly.
And if I can distribute it evenly, then I should be able to get a whistle at above 16,000 hertz.
Okay, that should do it.
(high-pitched whistle blowing) (dog whining) Keep going, it's working.
(whining, barking) Hasta luego, fleabags! They won't be a problem anymore.
With all that cayenne, there's no way to get our scent back now.
Then let's move.
VERONICA: I saw more guards on the way to the bathroom at Perryville Prison.
Yeah, that's a good thing.
I know.
Strange.
Speaking of strange, you had no idea that my argument with you was a con, and you said some pretty hurtful things.
Yeah, well, I meant every word.
And you could've told me you were gonna fake a heart attack.
What is the first rule of the con artist? Believe the lie.
(sighs) If Lucinda hadn't believed that you were worried about me, she would have seen through the whole thing, so I insulted your friends, got you all riled up, and then grabbed my chest.
And you were worried for me, weren't you? I'm not talking about this right now.
You were worried.
(whispers): The door is just ahead.
We slip in, turn the printer on, nice and easy.
(door lock beeps) You made a very quick recovery.
Oh, no, my chest hurts.
Not gonna work, Mom.
Okay.
WALTER: Wait a minute.
Huh? What the hell? Where are we? You're in my way, jackasses! (gasps) USA! So the good news is: we never left home.
The bad news is: we have no idea what's really going on.
When we were unconscious, they even reprogrammed my watch to make us think that we flew for four hours, when they only drove us for one.
Why would they do all that? Psych ops.
A team that believes it's being held in a foreign dictatorship complies with captors' demands faster than one that thinks it's on home turf where it can be rescued.
But the Norteguayans wouldn't be here unless they were planning something much bigger than simple black market arms purchases.
You got any idea what that could be? No.
But right now, Paige and Veronica are our first priority.
Homeland Agent Cabe Gallo, got an emergency, need a secure landline.
Hold on, chief, you can't come in here and just start runnin' through my joint, especially when I don't see no badge.
You Corps? Yeah.
So you probably went into Pendleton, what, early '70s? May have had Drill Instructor Todd? DI Barrios.
Yeah, he was no picnic, either.
I ate the same slop off a shingle you did, mopped the same barracks.
From one Devil Dog to another, I need your phone.
There's an office in the back.
Hi.
I was not in the Marine Corps, but I was in student council.
So, do you have a cell phone I could borrow? HAPPY: This is pointless.
This is the only shot we have at finding the guys.
I just have to get past the encryption.
(phone ringing) Simi Valley? Who is this? WALTER: Where are you guys? We've been trying to call your cell phones.
Our cell phones are at Crooning Crane's no phone zone.
Where are you guys? Well, we thought we were kidnapped to a secret government compound in Norteguay, but it turns out it was just Simi Valley.
Yeah, well, that makes sense.
We got out, except Veronica and Paige, who are still back there.
Cabe's calling Homeland for backup.
Well, whoever came after you guys sent someone after us, too.
We got a key fob off the guy and we're using Sly's scanner to crack it, but it's encrypted.
Okay, uh, keep at it.
Pursue whatever avenue you think is best.
I trust your judgment implicitly.
You're getting real weird, Walt.
(door opens) (sighs) What's wrong? Homeland said to take a beat.
What? Why? Turns out Lucinda Durante isn't just the sister of Dictator Durante.
As of four months ago, she's also Norteguay's ambassador to the U.
S.
Giving her diplomatic immunity.
Tensions are high between our nations.
Any incident could set off a very dangerous chain reaction.
We can't just cuff her and take her to county.
Homeland's on the case, and they're making sure to cross every âTâ and dot every âI.
â And that's gonna take a while.
We don't have a while.
We need to go now.
CABE: Hey, buddy.
Any chance you could help? Gray pickup, outside.
Oh, I'm gonna need to borrow your cell.
Don't take this the wrong way, but a saloon like this has got to have protection.
Semper fi.
(speaks Spanish) LUCINDA: Come on, faster! Nothing left behind! LUIZ: Where are your friends? I don't know.
(gun hammer clicks) Where did they go? (truck approaching) LUCINDA: Go, go, go, go, go! Stay down! Stay down! They shot the tires.
I'll go see if I can find some wheels! You okay? Yeah.
We're all right.
I'm glad you guys made it.
WALTER: Well, not quick enough.
If we don't stop Lucinda, she's gonna get out of the country with $500 million in supernotes.
Why would she flee her own country? SYLVESTER: Yeah.
About that.
We're in Simi Valley.
(gasps) That woman is a genius.
She pulled off the Punxsutawney Peek-a-boo.
You're impressed.
Did Tchaikovsky get mad at Brahms? Yes, actually.
Guys, we have Veronica and Paige.
What about you? We cracked the key fob.
They're not leaving the country.
The fake compound was here for a reason.
The fob opens a door at 9891 Madera Road.
That must be where Lucinda is heading.
Yeah, well.
We don't have any way to get there.
Yes, we do.
In style.
(tires screech) Get in.
Okay.
But this time, we have to go with the windows rolled down the entire way.
Windows down? Cabe's been eating that jerky again.
Oh.
Veronica's bag, Sly's phone.
They must've left it here before.
Here.
SYLVESTER: So, based on all the gun-pointing and rope-tying, I assume they figured out that we'd gone, hmm? Got hairy but we stayed cool.
That's right.
You're welcome, by the way.
Excuse me? Oh, well, today we got kidnapped, locked in a room with toxic chemicals, shot at.
But you handled yourself like a champ.
I mean, yes.
I threw you in the deep end when you were a child, but you learned how to swim on your own.
You're turning abandonment into a recipe for successful parenting.
You can't argue with success.
(chuckles softly) We're here! This is just a regular warehouse.
Which means there's something very irregular inside.
If the Norteguayans were here, they're long gone now.
They were definitely here.
The biometric reader has been disabled.
And a little bit ajar.
(grunts) Cabe.
They disabled those cameras, too.
Toby, Happy, are you seeing this? HAPPY: Yeah.
Best guess is the warehouse is largely automated, and Lucinda paid off any minimal human security to not be there today.
Toby, is there any chance you can transmit the key fob's code to my phone? Uh, sending now.
(beeping) Great.
Holy stack of greenbacks.
VERONICA: This must be a federal way station.
PAIGE: What's a way station? CABE: Hidden Treasury locations across the country where they store cash before distributing it to banks.
HAPPY: Why would the Norteguayans need to print all those fake bills if they could just rob this place? 'Cause they didn't want to steal the money.
They wanted to leave the money.
The counterfeit cash is hidden here amongst the real currency.
Lucinda said the U.
S.
brought Norteguay to its knees via sanctions.
Now they want to hurt our economy.
HAPPY: By mixing a huge amount of fake cash in with the real, the dollar will devalue.
Once the public finds out about indistinguishable counterfeits, bank runs will begin as people start to fear that their cash is worthless.
It'll spread globally, it'll crash the world economy.
TOBY: Most devastating way to poison someone is to inject them right in the heart.
That way station is the heart of cash disbursement.
Homeland can quarantine the warehouse, destroy the bills, reprint the original allotment.
None of the bogus bills hit circulation.
Good work, team.
Yeah.
Or as I would say, good teamwork.
(alarm blares) Hey, hey, hey.
(grunts) (hissing) It's Lucinda.
They must've lain in wait to see if we followed her.
And now they're flooding the ventilation system with that gas from the limo.
Both tanks.
Fully opened.
(speaks in Spanish) (wheezing) It's worse than this morning.
(coughs) Well, it's an increased concentration.
This time, they're not just trying to knock us out, they're trying to kill us.
(grunting) We can't break it open.
It's a solid steel door, so we're not gonna be able to shoot our way out.
Toby, Happy, any update? We're trying to open them, but it's gonna take too long.
Can you guys close the vents manually? No.
Not from down here.
TOBY: Walt, this increased concentration of kevloturane means you're gonna skip loopy and go straight to pulmonary hemorrhage.
The tissue in your lungs will bleed out, and you will drown in your own blood.
With the volume of this warehouse, we have approximately four minutes until suffocation.
Uh, any chance these sprinklers go off? HAPPY: Gas isn't as dense as smoke.
It won't set off the alarm.
That's it.
Fire.
Kevloturane is flammable.
We can burn off the gas.
I have some matches.
In the limo, you said a single spark could cause an explosion.
Yeah.
That's what we want.
Are we all in agreement? I'm just going to grab the imaginary conch for a second here, and say that I am concerned that if you light that match, it means this entire building, us included, will go kablooey.
Okay.
I will set an explosion on a timer using the smoke alarm.
Potassium chlorate on match tips will ignite after a few seconds of connection to the batteries, and then we will ride it out in that vault.
Uh, I'm gonna take your invisible conch now, buddy, and tell you that your plan is crazier than a poophouse rat.
The steel should be strong enough to shield us from the blast.
Taking the virtual conch.
Agreeing with actual fiancée.
And if I could quickly just take the virtual conch, just for a second.
I Everyone stop with the virtual conch! You know who has the virtual conch? The guy with the 197 IQ! And this is what's happening to it.
(stomping) The conch is dead! I am the conch.
Scorpion is not a democracy.
It is a logical dictatorship.
And we are going to cover ourselves in that vault while I blow this place up and nobody is going to argue about it.
Yep.
Aren't you gonna try to talk him down? No.
(grunts) HAPPY: You're have five Mississippi to get your ass in that vault.
TOBY: More like five Oregon.
You better run! (explosion) Aah! You think, uh, any of this stuff is still passable? (door opens) Lucinda and her people are gonna be charged.
Feds said that diplomatic immunity doesn't apply since there's evidence of espionage.
Nice.
Adios, Lucinda.
These wedding venues are great, Doc, but I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause we almost kind of got kidnapped there, but I took a liking to Crooning Crane.
Let's tie the knot there? Happy, um Ugh.
(exhales) I can't afford my half of Crooning Crane.
I, um I stopped gambling, but that doesn't mean I stopped owing money to a few people.
It's, um I-It's like student debt, except I make payments to the University of Bruno.
I have been holding off on telling you, and I'm sorry.
Know what this is? It's junk.
Five figures worth of rare motorcycle parts.
I have a problem.
We're both broke? Mm.
That's great.
'Cause the truth is, I would marry you in Kovelsky's parking lot.
I don't care as long as we say our I do's.
I don't care either.
But let's not get married in a parking lot.
All right.
I could pawn a couple carburetors.
No.
Oh, look.
Grandma's back.
Grandma! Oh, Ralphy, honey, honey! I missed you so much.
RALPH: Want to see my new xenobiology book I just got from the library? Yeah! Why don't you go wash up for dinner and I'll be right there.
You took him to the library after all that happened today? He doesn't need the burden of knowing everything that goes wrong here.
You made me strong enough for the both of us, remember? I know you're being sarcastic, but I threw you in the water out past the breakers, and you swam in safe.
(inhales) SYLVESTER: Sorry to interrupt.
Paige, you are needed.
WALTER: The Secret Service was formed in 1865 with the express purpose of suppressing counterfeit currency.
152 years later, and you guys still haven't got the hang of it.
It was done in your own backyard.
You had no idea.
He's turned his debriefing session into a dress-down lecture.
The rubber band has snapped and it's hit those agents in the face.
You got to mediate this mess.
No.
Let him figure it out.
I'm trying a new approach.
I've been working with Walter for two and a half years.
I'm done being his water wings.
We've built a foundation together and the best way to help him is to throw him into the deep end.
I get it in theory, but the reality is this goes one of two ways: Walter learns to swim or he drowns.
HAPPY: We're on the news! NEWS REPORTER: An explosion at a warehouse in Simi Valley today injured four people.
Several passersby were also treated for smoke inhalation.
Authorities have Uh-oh.
What's wrong? I just look terrible.
You have the same look Toby has every time he runs into someone he owes money to.
Someone you're avoiding knows you're back in L.
A.
? They didn't.
But they will now.
NEWS REPORTER: scraps of money fluttering to the ground Paige, I'm gonna need your help on this one.
Do you remember the Kentucky Two Step?