Speechless (2016) s03e13 Episode Script

Oh.
My.
Giraffe.
Standardized test scores, coming through! Out of the way! Now, that's almost too sharp.
The test results are in.
Dylan DiMeo is the smartest kid in the grade.
I'm Dylan Danger, and this is Too-Long-Cord-Bungee.
Whee! Are we sure there hasn't been some sort of mistake? We ran it twice.
That bush is the smartest kid in the district.
Dylan, you're smart! I know! I had my finger over the lens.
- Can we do it again? - Yeah.
- No! - No! Mikey always wanted to be like his big brother.
He wanted his hair like Ben's, wanted to dance like Ben.
Now? Ben wants jeans like mine.
Okay, be honest If you were the 2019 Abilities Expo, and our company were at you, showing that, wouldn't we be the toast of you? That video is as good as that question was hard to follow.
I had one thought.
The slogan? "Two special-needs moms making a difference in the lives of families with children with disabilities"? It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.
- Kenneth, real quick - Huh? Look, I know you haven't been with Melanie for very long, but as someone who is married to a woman like her nobody wants your suggestions.
I think they should give away keychains at the convention.
- Beautiful idea - Yeah.
I'm gonna strangle it in its crib.
Because we don't matter.
This convention is gonna be our coming-out party.
Vogue.
Vanity Fair.
SoCal Abilities Journal.
I mean, except for the first two, - they're all gonna be there.
- Mm.
"You're going to a convention? When?" Well, we'll be gone tomorrow and then Saturday.
Rude.
"Pack your bags.
I was invited to an overnight college visit but skipped because Mom would want to go.
But she has a" C-O "convention this weekend.
" So you want me to come? Well, totally.
We can have some bro time, maybe meet some ladies.
"I've got Izzy, but you can get rejected by some college girls.
" I know! Dylan thought making that "Rejection Bingo" game was a burn, but I'm a college girl and an over 6'2" girl away from winning that Chinese finger trap.
I can't believe you're gonna do a college tour without your mummy.
It'll be great.
The train will drop us off right there.
JJ's set up in this awesome accessible dorm But what if you get a little something on your face? Or if a girl wants to see a picture of you when you were a baby in the tub? Load 'em up! All right, my loves.
Off you go.
Have fun at college.
Who's ready for two moms to change the lives of children in families of kids with disabilities? I'm ready for two moms to make a difference in families of children who live with disabilities.
They both got it wrong.
It's so bad.
What's that? Mnh.
Nothing.
Kenneth? I I'm carrying a box! You want to see me about brain stuff? Dylan, my most promising student.
I ain't promised nothin' to no one what don't promise me somethin' first.
Okay, I'm gonna get right to the point I became a teacher to change lives, so when I saw the gap between your test scores and your grades, I knew I had a student who was primed for a breakthrough.
So Why you no smart for school stuff? I don't know.
Whenever I try to read or listen to a teacher, I just get so annoyed.
They just become this know-it-all that won't shut up.
That's fascinating.
And it's only when they try to teach you things? Like, if I talked about a big old plate of nachos Heck, yeah.
Where those nachos at? But if I say that they are native to Mexico, population 130 million No, make it stop! I can't handle it.
Aha! Don't run from it.
Who am I?! No.
You! I'm Ray, aren't I? It's time! For so many years, we've been focused on our kids, and now we can use all the lessons we've learned to help a world of JJs and Logans.
Every battle is about to pay off.
Every indignity, every fight Every hernia It was all for this moment.
These are our people.
Uh-oh.
Except for her.
I had a doozie with that physical therapist.
Oh, well, if we're avoiding people we've made enemies with, we probably shouldn't go that way.
Or that way.
School I egged.
Ooh.
Insurance lady I "Groundhog Day-ed.
" That was involved.
Fought with her, fought with her Oh, she's cool Although I fought with her.
Mnh.
It seems that "our people" consist pretty solidly of folks that hate us.
P-Plan B.
L-Let's focus on the big fish.
Okay, we'll wow the magazine people, and then we'll sneak out of here before all these people kill us.
You guys put your heads down.
I'll block you with this sign.
Ah.
They still seem to know it's you.
Y-You do realize that they're on the front? Yeah, yeah.
I-I know.
I think it's funny.
Dude, college is crazy.
You know the co-ed bathroom? I just went next to a lady who's taking a shower.
Oh.
Who's your friend? I'm Alan, and there are no co-ed bathrooms here.
Okay! Let's get this tour started.
No need.
It's like playing the claw machine.
Hey! I got a "me"! "I'm excited for college life.
Start making my own decisions.
" Big decision tonight Dorm party or frat party.
"Which is gonna rage harder?" Yeah.
And which is gonna be easier for JJ's wheelchair? "You don't need to worry about that.
Cool?" Yeah, yeah, we're cool.
We're cool.
Now, I don't see any reason for you to be cold "Ray, I left Mom home for a reason.
" Oh.
No looking out for you.
I get it.
You don't believe me? Well, go explore, then.
Yeah, I'll hook up with you two later.
Go on! Shoo! Don't follow him.
Oh.
Maybe a little "Rejection Bingo" can kill some time.
Okay.
Bingo.
What's next? All right.
Coast is clear.
Except for her.
I'm not hiding from this one.
Jimmy! Their faces are on this.
Nina Thompson.
Maya DiMeo.
You still doing your stupid know-it-all special-needs blog, are you? No.
My blogging days are over.
I'm with SoCal Abilities Journal.
Well that is very bad news for me.
What's going on, bro? "I feel like I'm being followed.
" Okay.
Yes, yes! I am here to look after you, and I'm stalking you.
I don't see why we can't just party together and I can have your back.
I don't know how I'm so good at this.
I've never done it before.
But I'm not going away.
I'm sorry, J Whoa! Did I just make that up?! So, what's your beef with this woman? Well, so, you know how I'm a trailblazer? Nina and I actually shared the very first Internet "flame war.
" And it was at a time before people really realized that what one said online was both public and permanent.
You know, 2004.
I was just an impressionable new special-needs mom, and Nina had this parenting blog with all the answers.
I mean, if Nina said, "JJ needs to sleep upside down," or, "JJ needs to interact more with horses," Jimmy and I were both huge believers.
In time, I realized she did not know what she was talking about.
So then I posted a takedown.
She posted a takedown of my takedown, and it didn't actually end until the President of the Internet himself emailed me, demanding that I stop.
Pretty wild, eh? Okay.
We're partners With a contract that I insisted we sign wow.
Look, we did not come this far to let a 15-year-old grudge sink this company.
Can you apologize? I don't know.
Follow.
See, I'm giving you your space.
I'm not like Mom.
Although, that lei is a bit of a choking hazard.
"You here to make sure I'm safe? I'll be unsafe until you leave.
" What does that even mean? You wouldn't.
- Come on, man! - Come on, man! Come on, man! It is really taking them a while.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Can I help you? These are remarkable.
Do they use magnets? Uh, sure do.
Same technology they use on the space shuttle.
There's got to be a magnet on the space shuttle, right? These are fantastic.
You know, it's so refreshing to see someone doing something that really matters.
Matters? You hear that? We matters.
Come and get your space-shuttle pants! Huckster.
Whore.
Sellout I said some terrible things, but, I mean, it was all in the past.
Water under the bridge.
Bridge troll Look, what I said was inexcusable.
I'm sorry.
Please accept my apology.
I'd wanted that for years.
No.
Never.
Wait.
Are you vendors here? Oh.
You don't know what we're selling.
No, but I'd love to give you a write-up.
Accessible hot dogs! They don't make any sense! Have a field day! Oh, no.
JJ! Listen to me.
This is the breakthrough we have been looking for.
You think of academics as Ray's domain, but we can make it yours, too.
How? I am going to hypnotize you so that you can confront Ray in a safe setting.
Please.
That's not gonna work on me.
Would you please just give it a chance? Whoa! Ray? Hypnosis is awesome! That's impossible.
I haven't even done anything yet.
Fine, let's just go with it.
Confront me Ray.
Can do.
No, talk to me and tell me how I am an obstacle for your personal growth.
And I would do that to Ray by pounding him.
Ohh! Just let me whale on you! I am not letting someone beat me up for a breakthrough.
I have done that once, and the class never looked at me the same.
And wake up! Ugh! Let's just face it.
Ray is the smart one.
Are those nachos still not ready? Yeah.
Hey! Hey! You get a shirt! And you get a T-shirt! Those are the prototypes! Okay, I'm gonna need those back! Excuse me.
Did I Did I put this on him right? I-I You're asking me.
Well, that feels good.
I don't know.
Wow.
How amazing is this company? I'm from the expo, and we'd love to talk to you.
I don't see why not.
Hey, would you like a keychain? - Oh.
I would love one.
- Yes, I'd like one.
We don't have any.
But, right? Okay, "JJ Knoxville.
" "Are you done being Mom?" "I just wanted to let loose together.
" I could do that and still have your back.
Man, JJ, you have no idea what it is like to try and help someone who fights you at every turn.
"You have no idea what it is to have fun.
" Right.
I'm the problem.
Boring Ray! Well, would Boring Ray chug a beer? Mnh-mnh! Oh, and now for too much dessert.
Whoa! Wild man! Finally, someone who sees how cool I am.
That one sip of that beer is not sitting well with me.
You just ate five shots of vodka.
Whoo! Okay, so, somebody write this down My blood type is B-negative! Hi, everyone.
- For our Toast of the Conference Q&A - Boys? Where'd they go? We have to get out of here.
we'd like to welcome a few hand-picked businesses that really stood out today.
What the Either they've been invited on the panel, or they think that's the bathroom.
Bathroom-bathroom-bathroom- bathroom-bathroom-bathroom Jimmy and Kenneth, you've made quite an impression here today.
Uh, thank you, Nina.
The response has been truly Wow, what's the word? "Omnipotous.
" Nope.
Providing adaptive clothing for folks with disabilities has been our sole purpose in life.
I-Is it clothing you design yourselves? Or do you adapt existing clothes? Great question.
I'm not sure.
Super smart question.
Thank you for that.
I've got a sample right here.
How much would these jeans cost? I want to I want to say 12 bucks? - What?! - Oh, come on.
Do Actually, I swung by your booth earlier.
I-I seem to remember it costing a little more than that.
Something around $70? $70 yeah, Kenneth is more of the numbers guy.
- That I am one-two three-four-five.
- See? Wow.
$70? The name Fashion 4 all: Accessible Clothing would suggest a more accessible price.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I-I-I-I'd like to speak to that, if I may.
Don't give her the mic.
Oh, not a problem, I'll yell.
The point is to modify designer clothing so that people with disabilities can wear it.
Traditionally, their options have been super limited.
So the fact that it's a premium clothing line is precisely the point.
Is the impression I got when I went by the booth.
People are here to learn about this wonderful company.
They want to hear from the founders, not you.
Oh, you want to hear from the founders? Oh, you will, but first, say some more about how great this company is.
Yeah, and then get ready for the biggest surprise of your life.
You're the founders, aren't you? Bollocks.
We teed it up too much, didn't we? Yeah.
Yes, we are the people behind the company, and, yes, we've had run-ins with many of you.
But you all seem to like our product.
So can we answer any questions? To be clear Questions about the company, not questions about things we did to make you hate us.
Ah.
No, I don't think we're gonna get the panelist swag bag.
Yo.
Hey, tell that JJ kid his brother had a few too many.
Everyone! Who wants to see a Mathemagician? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where you guys going? Well, we're done.
That's our audience, and they hate us.
So you're just gonna quit? No.
I-I'm not gonna let this happen.
I don't know a lot of ways to matter, but I know how to pick you up when you're down.
Me too? Well, it's really kind of a Maya-specific deal, no, but, okay.
Uh You are Maya freaking DiMeo And you are Melanie.
You are the strongest, sexiest woman I have ever met.
That is a nice haircut.
You are a fighter.
I am a fighter.
That's how you got here in the first place.
Now go up there and fight.
And win.
Now, normally, at this point in the talk, there would be some sort of energizing butt slap, given the whole You meant you slapping their butts, didn't you? You've got to ask for what you want in this world, all right? Ahh.
Let's face it.
There's just room for one smart kid in my family.
Call your brother.
Your real brother.
Not the one you've built up in your head.
Tell him what you told me.
Dylaaaaaaaaan! Wait, a-are you drunk? Could a drunk do a backflip like this? Ohh! - Dude! - Ohh.
Yeah, I'm drunk.
What's up? Apparently, I could be smart, but I'm not because that's your thing.
Of course you're smart.
You are the smartest person I know.
The schemes and pranks you come up with? We are basically your puppets.
Hey! I'm gonna do puppets next! Wow, Ray.
Thanks.
And, Dylan? If I can get really really real with you right You know, I think my problem's solved.
Because Ray believes in you and the only obstacle is the one you put up for yourself? No, because he was being drunk and dumb.
If Ray can be dumb every once in a while, then maybe I can be smart.
Great.
Now let's talk strategies for getting those grades up.
Grades? I'm smart.
I eschew that sort of external validation.
Cool! Now I can blow people off with Ray words.
JJ! I missed you, man.
"Time to go, Ray.
Put down the hose.
" No.
No.
This is my [BLEEP.]
hose! I brought the hose.
Give it back.
Go get the Go get the hose.
And turn on the siren.
Whoop, whoop! You suck at driving this thing.
Geez.
There's nothing worse than a guy who needs your help but won't take it.
Where are we? And now, welcome to the stage a man who Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sit down, shorty.
Right.
We're back.
We've got a few things to say.
First things first Thanks, Jimmy, for forgetting to give back your microphone.
You're welcome.
Kenneth forgot his, too.
Now, have we wronged you? Yes.
Are we sorry? Case by case.
But the fight we put into making life better for our boys we also put into these clothes.
Look, you guys know what this life is.
I mean, we'll do anything for our kids.
And these clothes will make your kids happy.
I mean, I promise you, they will love these pants even more than y'all hate us.
Show of hands.
Who wants to hear a bit more? Okay, great.
Then let us start fresh and reintroduce ourselves.
I'm Melanie.
And I'm Maya.
And we're two special-needs mums who want to make a difference in the lives of families with children with disabilities.
I finally get it.
It's beautiful.
Hey! I'm in Cirque du So-Ray.
You wanted to let loose.
We did it.
We both got wasted, right? Hey, I'm trying to sleep.
"Not 'til you read this We're brothers.
We should look out for each other.
It's not easy for me to accept your help.
But I love you for it, Ray.
I really do.
" That's nice.
But can you tell me when I'm not drunk so I can remember it? Ah, damn, I think I already forgot it.
Oh, and, JJ can I be really, really real with you right now? I l It came out.
I love Are you sure about this? I'm smart now.
At max velocity, your momentum will be arrested by impact with these Amorpha fruticosa.
Say your phrase and jump off the roof.
Uh Hi.
I'm Ray DiMeo, and this is Tiny Parachute Jump.
You jumped into a bush because I learned two Latin words? Being smart rules! Say "hi," Ray.
Smart Dylan is gonna be a problem, isn't it? Yeah.