Sullivan and Son (2012) s03e13 Episode Script

Previously on "Sullivan & Son" - So, what do we do now? - Not think.
I got this.
So, that happened.
Twice! And it only took us 28 years.
I know.
You're kind of easy.
What can I say? After two decades of friendship, I give it up like that.
So, what do we do now? Well, I could hang here all day.
- Hmm.
- Steve! But that won't be happening! - Melanie? - Under here.
Are you hiding from my mom? - Yes.
- Good.
Go with your gut on that.
Steve, you left your smelly gym bag out here.
A whole lot of stink for no results.
A jellyfish has more definition.
Thanks, mom! She's gone.
Godzilla's heading back to the ocean.
- You know, this changes everything.
- I know.
And until we figure out what this is, we keep it our thing.
Is this a thing? I don't know.
Do you want it to be a thing? - I don't know.
- Well, until we decide if our thing that is not yet a thing is going to be a thing, we don't tell anybody so it becomes a bigger thing.
- And I am done saying "thing.
" - Yeah, and if people find out, they'll ruin it before we even know what it is.
Everybody's gonna want details, have an opinion.
They'll probably give us some stupid nickname, like "Stevanie.
" Well, that's not stupid.
It's cute.
Okay.
We just had our first fight.
- So, let's keep this you and me? - Easy and fun.
Perfect.
Should we shake on it? Or I can think of another way we could seal the deal.
Works for me.
Honey, is this a wart or a boil? - Handshake it is.
- Yeah.
Storage room, quick.
This is not how I saw this night ending.
Me neither.
- Steve.
- Hank, what are you doing here? I took the liberty of making myself a key.
Poured myself a beer, paid the $3.
50, no tip.
Why should I? I did it all myself.
- You're up early.
- Do you do this every morning? Yeah, Starbucks is always so crowded.
Melanie, what are you doing here? Steve had a unilateral lumbar displacement.
So I fixed him.
Got to go to work.
Bye! Thanks for all your help.
Maybe next time we can meet at your place.
Can next time be tonight? Let me check Yeah, that works.
Steve, I'm a little fuzzy before my second beer of the morning, uh, but that sounded like complete bullshit.
There's nothing wrong with your back.
You Asians bow 15 times a day.
What's really going on? Uh Melanie had too much to drink last night and slept it off in the storage room.
Steve, alcohol is a very powerful drug.
It's a sad group of people who let it rule their lives.
Morning.
- Steve, what are you doing here? - I own the bar.
Yeah, but this is kind of our time.
Seriously? If you want to stay, we're gonna have to put it to a vote.
All in favor? Sorry, Steve.
I'm gonna have to ask you to get everybody beers and then leave.
3x13 - You, Me and Gary Guys, my wife's best friend just got a divorce, so she's spending the night at her house to comfort her and shit.
I don't even have to check in! We should go do something tonight.
We should check out that new dance club, Bada Bounce.
The dance floor is a trampoline.
Owen, I'm not taking you bouncing.
Yeah, last time you were on a trampoline, - you dislocated your elbow.
- I know.
It still clicks.
Cool, huh? Just stop! Stop! I like the club idea.
We should try something new.
Yeah, and we don't have to jump.
We can just stand at the edge - and catch drunk girls, like heroes.
- I'm in.
Roy? What the hell? I'm married.
I'm not dead.
Unless she catches me.
Then I'm both.
Steve, you want to come? Uh, no, thanks.
I'm I'm good.
I'm gonna catch some of the football game.
Come on.
You'd have a lot more fun if you were scoring touchdowns in a random lady's bone zone.
I've already got a date with Steve's famous guacamole.
So, who's the lucky lady? - I'm sorry? - Don't be coy with me.
I can read everyone's sexual aura.
Nothing since last night.
Nothing since D-day.
And you you should be ashamed of yourself! And as for you, your sexual aura is way different than last night.
You are white-hot, mister.
- There's no girl, Carol.
- Please.
You've got all the telltale signs a loopy smile, a spring in your step, and you just turned down bouncing boobies on a trampoline.
Can't a guy have a loopy smile - because he's happy with his life? - Not when he has your life.
I wouldn't mind if there was a girl, Steve.
- There's nobody, dad.
- Okay.
But if there was, it would bring a balance to our home.
I mean, think about it we got a table, four chairs, we could play bridge, we'd have a dozen doughnuts everybody would get three.
You know, if it's just you, me, and mom, everybody could get four doughnuts.
Who the hell eats four doughnuts? - I could be the fourth person.
- Any more doughnuts for you and you could be the fourth and fifth person.
Hi, friends! - Hey, Gary! - Steve! Coming in for a hug.
Good to see you, too, Gary.
What brings you in? Let me guess charity work.
Well, we in the biz like to call it self-aggrandizement for the less fortunate.
You Americans and your cry-baby charities.
In Korea, we don't have charities.
If you're homeless and hungry, you dig a hole, live there, and eat the bugs that crawl in.
Well, harsh as it may sound, Steve, your mother has a point charity has left me with a full heart and an empty wallet.
I've had to get a job so I can keep volunteering for worthy causes, like scared skinny.
Scared skinny? Yeah, it's where you put a ski mask on and chase fat kids around so they can get their 30 minutes of exercise.
Sweet and disturbing all at the same time.
So, Steve, I started up my own business massage.
Rub it out with Gary! Are you sure that's what you want to call it? - Yeah.
Why? - Well, "rubbing it out" does have another meaning.
Well, if it does, this guy doesn't know it.
Listen, Steve, in this second chapter of my life, giving massages will be my happy ending.
Oh, boy.
And if you let me set up here in the bar, everybody here can get a happy ending from me, too! So what do you say? I could really use the break, old buddy.
Gary, I-I'd love to help you out, but I just don't feel comfortable - with you giving massages here.
- All right.
I understand.
The men and women of sing without teeth will just have to wait for their dentures.
- Hello, neighbor! - Gary.
Hey, you know, they're allowing pets in our building now.
- Really? - Yeah, anytime you want to come by - and pet my chinchilla, feel free.
- Good to know.
- Bye, gang! - Bye, Gary! - Hey, you.
- Hi.
So, how have you been since the last time I saw you? It's been a long day, but I can't wait for tonight.
- Why is that? - Yeah.
Why? Because I have this really great bottle of wine I'm looking forward to.
Wine? Your plans are so sad.
You should come with us to the club.
Yeah, you should be our wing-woman.
Girls would feel safer with us if she's around.
Please.
With you guys, she'd just look like a hostage.
Sorry, guys, but I can't.
In fact, I should probably be getting home.
What was that about? She was acting kind of weird.
No, she wasn't.
Some people just love a good bottle of wine.
Yeah, maybe too much.
Between us fellas, she's been drinking a lot! - I think she might have a problem.
- Get out of here.
- That's Melanie.
- It's true! She was so blitzed last night, she passed out in the storage room! You know what I heard her say the other night? "Oh, this job is so hard.
I need a beer.
" Using booze to deal with your problems? Classic alcoholic behavior.
Yeah, think about it.
She's here all the time, and she's always drinking.
- Yeah, but so are we.
- Yeah, but we're not like her.
We can stop anytime we want.
- Yeah.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
- So, that happened again.
- We're up to three times.
You know, we don't need to keep track.
Your place is so much better.
You know, it's private.
Our secret is a lot safer here.
- What are you doing tonight? - That'd be three days in a row.
This is getting dangerously close to becoming a thing.
This time, you said "thing" first.
And aren't we still at the easy and fun part? Well, you are pretty easy, and I'm having fun.
You are so freaking hot when you say that.
Wow! That's nice.
Ooh, you should have done that last night.
I'm not doing anything.
Gary! Hey, somebody's loving thy neighbor.
I didn't know you crazy kids boarded the love train.
Toot, toot! Listen, Gary, we're not really telling anybody about this.
Why not? You found love! It's like I tell the agoraphobic clowns that I mentor "your joy was meant to be shared! Nobody wants to watch 30 clowns stay in a tiny car.
" And and that is vital work that you do, but for now we'd like to keep it quiet.
I hear you, and I will respect your wishes.
- Thanks for understanding.
- No problem.
And I don't want anything in return.
After all, what kind of a friendly friend would I be if i took advantage of you in your time of need? Who wants to rub it out with Gary?! - How was Bada Bounce? - It was awesome.
How could it be awesome? You're in a walking boot.
Yeah, my ankle's probably broken, but the girl who caught me was hot.
- I got so much action last night.
- Really? Because I'm seeing zero sexual activity in your aura.
It's nothing but pent-up sexual frustration.
I must say, I've never seen this shade of blue before.
Steve, you should go.
A girl jumped so high, her boob popped out.
Oh, trust me.
Steve's been seeing plenty of boobage.
- What's he talking about? - Uh I was telling him about a movie I saw last night.
- It was, uh "Gladiator.
" - "Gladiator"? I've seen that movie like 30 times.
There's no boobs in it.
That big German guy was pretty stacked.
Silly Gary.
I didn't see that movie.
I saw"Showgirls"! - It's all feathers and boobs.
- Yeah, I haven't seen that one.
But I do support shoes for showgirls.
We donate orthotics to aging strippers.
I could use those.
My foot's going numb.
Or Melanie could help me.
Has anyone seen her? I bet she's pounding a bottle of night train in the alley right now.
- What are you guys talking about? - Didn't you hear? Melanie's a raging alcoholic.
I hear she's on the short list for a new liver.
If she can't get one, tell her I'll sell her Susan's.
Have you guys lost your minds? Melanie is not an alcoholic.
Hah.
Says the guy making money off her addiction.
Steve, you're an enabler.
You're right, Hank.
Give me back your beer.
I may have overstepped.
I apologize.
Pardon me, young Susan, may I approach your shoulders? Uh okay.
You are a giant ball of tension.
Are you hunched over a computer all day? Yeah, I'm an accountant.
It's been really stressful at work lately.
Oh, well, instead of crunching numbers, why don't we crunch the - knots out of your back? - Oh, god! Don't stop! Maybe we should do this in private.
It'll just be you, me, and my magic fingers.
And listen no extra charge if you want to talk while I'm rubbing you out.
What is that? It sounds like a Korean water ghost giving birth to a demon.
- Steve, please make it stop! - I got this, guys.
Hey, can you guys keep it down? You're making everybody uncomfortable.
All right, all right.
All finished.
Thanks, Gary.
I feel fantastic.
Stop smiling.
It's creepy.
- Hi.
I'm Chad.
- Hey.
You are way too pretty to be in a place like this.
- Let me take you out to somewhere nice.
- Sorry.
She can't.
- Why is that? - Yeah.
Why? Really, I'd love to, but I already have plans.
That's why.
Steve, can I get a drink? - Sure.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! She's an alcoholic! Is it time? "Dear Melanie, your excessive drinking has impacted us all negatively.
There is a van waiting outside.
" Is there a van? Did we get a van? What is happening? - We're ending your downward spiral.
- This is an intervention.
Your days of being an alcoholic are over.
Alcoholic? I am not an alcoholic! Would you excuse us, boys? I got it.
I-I'll take care of it.
Seriously, is there a van or not? Oh.
Little afternoon delight? Everybody thinks I'm an alcoholic? Hank didn't buy that I hurt my back, so off the top of my head, I told him you got drunk, slept it off in the storage room, and, snowball, snowball, you're an alcoholic.
Are you freaking kidding me? I'm sorry.
I was trying to keep things quiet.
Carol's suspicious.
Gary almost blew it.
Okay.
But why do I need to be an alcoholic? Why can't you be gay? I don't have to be gay because you're already an alcoholic.
I'm not doing this.
Well, it's either that or we tell everybody.
Then the entire bar is involved in every detail of our lives.
So what do we do? The first step is admitting you have a problem.
As much fun as it sounds, I am not going to be an alcoholic.
Well, we have to do something so they don't find out about us.
Yeah.
How about I go out with that guy who just asked me out? Well, I guess that could work.
- You know, he's kind of good-looking.
- Oh, really? Hadn't noticed.
- Not funny.
- Come on.
Little funny.
See, still clicks.
It's cool, huh? Please stop.
So, guys, Steve really set me straight in there.
My problem isn't drinking.
It's that I've been ignoring my personal life.
I need to get out more.
And Brad here - Chad.
- Tad.
- Chad.
- It really doesn't matter.
- We're going out.
- Cool.
Let's go.
I know I'm a dude, but I got to say, he was good-looking.
And judging from the very large bulge in his aura, - she should be very satisfied.
- All right, can we stop talking about Brad, Tad, Chad, whatever his name is? You look tense, my friend.
You want the big guy to rub you out? No! Chad, you're a nice guy, but I shouldn't be here.
Truthfully, neither should I.
I just got out of a six-month relationship.
Her name's Lisa.
Still an open wound.
Everything reminds me of her.
- I'm sorry.
- Lisa used to say, "I'm sorry.
" - Can I show you some pictures of her? - Sure.
Why not? This is Lisa with the dog I gave her.
With the parrot I gave her.
With the rabbit I gave her.
I work in a pet store.
Oh, yeah, that's that's hard.
Oh, Chad, you dropped your phone.
Here, I'll get it.
Melanie's been gone a long time.
I wonder what she's doing.
Maybe he took her to Bada Bounce after dinner.
Yeah, I bet they're bada-bouncing.
No, they're not! I mean, she's a paramedic.
She knows the dangers of trampolining.
Steve! Steve! Oh! I don't know how to tell you this! I was near the well, Melanie was this is harder than combing through the tangles in a homeless man's hair, which I do every Wednesday at Hairdos for the homeless.
Gary! You're gonna tell me something.
Oh, yes.
What I was going to say was that - She's a whore! - What?! I saw you on your little "date.
" Did you really think I wouldn't tell my best friend Steve that you were copping that young man's doodle under the table?! I didn't cop anyone's doodle! A likely story, you two-timing tramp! And to think we share a common mailbox area! Oh, for god's sake, he dropped his phone while he was showing me pictures of his ex-girlfriend.
I picked it up for him.
It did look like he was crying.
I really just thought you were bad at it.
All right, I rescind my "whore" accusation.
Steve, you'll be pleased to learn that your lady love is pure.
Lady love? I knew it! Both of your auras are perfectly in line.
Is he saying what I think he's saying? I don't understand what anyone is saying.
What's the deal, Steve? - Talk to us.
- What's happening? All right, all right, all right! Everybody stop! Melanie and I are dating.
Whaaa? - We are? - Yeah.
Right? Yeah.
Right.
- So great! - What terrific news! This is fantastic.
Well, we we just started going out, Jack.
- It's not serious.
- Oh, I understand.
Just call me dad.
Are you a-a glazed or a jelly-doughnut kind of girl? Please say glazed.
I always knew you two would hook up.
Yeah, you've had a crush on her since you were 12.
And it just took me Can't wait till you propose when you're 93.
- I also do couples massage.
- Gary, get your chair out of my bar.
I know that sexual endorphins can make you say things that you don't mean.
You know, in my work with the sexually - Out! - Bye, gang! Bye, Gary! That wasn't so bad.
Everybody's being really nice.
I don't know why we're celebrating.
My son, who gave up being a big New York lawyer, is dating a taxi driver for sick people.
- Uh, here's to our first date.
- First date.
- You folks ready? - Mm.
Ladies first.
I will have the fettucine alfredo, - and he'll have the steak.
- I will? Yeah.
That's what you always get.
Yeah, I just thought I might try something different.
Okay, wild man, what are you gonna get? Well I'll have the steak.
- To dating.
- To dating.