Teachers (2016) s03e13 Episode Script

1 [SOFT MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
She's back! Ma'am? You have been here every morning for the past two weeks.
You're gonna need to buy something.
Excuse me, but these are testers, - and I'm testing them.
- Well, you've tested that lipstick 14 times now.
And I'm still making a decision.
You and your friend need to leave.
"My friend"? [SCOFFS.]
Okay, I'm leaving.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
Hey.
Fresh off watching "G.
I.
Jane?" No, gross.
I hate when actresses go bald for a role.
It's like, we get it.
You have a perfect skull.
No, a bunch of girls from my Bomb-Ass Femme Book Club asked me to lead their Wilderness Gals troop.
And as you know, I am all about empowering and supporting women.
Also, your foundation line is visible.
- You look stupid.
- Oh! Oh! [GROANS.]
[GROANS.]
Why are you doing that? - I have a clogged milk duct.
- Eww.
"Eww" doesn't even begin to cover it.
My jug is gonna ache like a son-of-a-bitch until I can massage it out.
Ugh, I'm so sore I couldn't put a bra on.
I thought they were hanging low.
I'm exhausted.
Hagatha's colicky so she's not sleeping through the night.
Work was supposed to be a vacation, but instead it's like I have two jobs that severely underpay.
Why don't you hire a night nurse? No.
I feel guilty enough as it is leaving her during the day.
I'm not gonna have someone else take care of her at night.
There's no shame in accepting help, Deb.
I said no.
I'd rather my post-partum hair loss keep going until I'm full bald.
She doesn't have the skull for it.
Hey there, Baxter.
You gonna have your woodworking project ready - for tonight's meeting? - I'm Diego.
Sorry, Diego.
Forgot to put my contacts in this morning.
Hey, Mikey, don't forget you're doing the flag ceremony tonight.
That's Baxter.
Yep, nope, that sure is.
Get out of here, guys.
Come on, now.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, hey there.
Wow, you're a tall one.
- You enjoying the troop, buddy? - What are you talking about? I'm a woman.
[MUMBLES.]
Wow.
- You certainly are.
- [LAUGHS.]
Sorry, um, you must be the new leader - of the Wilderness Gals.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm Kyle, the leader of the Wilderness Guys.
- Chelsea.
- I really like what you've done with your uniform.
Wouldn't work for me.
- Hairy chest.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- Well, you know what doesn't work for me is this doorstop.
This thing is a total waste of time.
Who cares about surviving in the woods? The trees just get turned into toilet paper.
Well, actually, some of those skills are really important.
You might not know this Oh, please do not tell me what I know and don't know.
I already know what I don't know.
- What happened here? - And thank you.
Your mansplaining just made me realize that I need to teach my girls true survival skills.
I am taking them to the urban jungle.
The mall.
[SCOFFS.]
[RADICAL ROCK MUSIC.]
If I'm using a simile, I'd say "My pain is like the fire of a thousand suns.
" And if I'm using a metaphor, I would say "My pain is" [GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Finally.
[DEEP BREATHING.]
Sorry, guys.
My head was in the clouds which is both an idiom - and a metaphor.
- Mrs.
Adler? I think something is spilling on your shirt from the inside.
[GASPS.]
- Not Jerry the Giraffe! - It's the only thing in this classroom I can use! There's nothing for me here! This life is a prison! And that was a metaphor.
Well, Jessica, I'm sorry your little brother ruined your American Girl doll, but don't take it personally.
Toddlers just don't understand what they can and can't wipe with.
Who would like to go next? - Yes, Preston.
- We had a going-away party for my math tutor.
She got a job as a girlfriend in Dubai.
Dubai? - That sounds pretty good.
- Then yesterday I went - to my father's polo match.
- Was the match at Crescent Ridge? I used to belong to that country club! I had no idea you were rich.
Tell me, does André still work there? - Will he ever leave? - [LAUGHING.]
You don't have to tell us about your weekend, Ashley.
You went to a sleepover, you have a dog, blah, blah, blah.
We know.
So, your math tutor left.
Are you still looking for a new one? Because I could do it.
I could tutor you.
We could do it at Crescent Ridge.
That would be great.
Do they still have a strict dress code? - Oh, yes.
- [SIGHS.]
Okay, everyone, announcement: tomorrow, we are having a clothing drive.
Cashmere, silks, and furs only.
And nothing older than last season.
That's just offensive.
To the poor.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
[LAUGHING.]
[SOBBING.]
Oh, don't look at me! - I'm a monster! - Oh, no.
You're just tired.
Once you get some rest you'll feel better.
There's no rest! Once I get home I've got to cook something nutritious and clean like a thousand bottle nipples and, you know, keep Hagatha alive.
I know you said you didn't want any help, but I'm not a nanny.
I'm a friend.
A friend who used to be a nanny.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
How about I email you my references? Oh Why don't I help out for a few hours after school? [SNIFFLES.]
You know what? I don't know what dignity I'm holding onto.
Sure.
[SHAKY LAUGH.]
[SNIFFLES.]
Where did that come from? Doesn't matter.
You are each receiving a pamphlet written by moi Designed and photo-copied by moi Mary Louise.
Sorry.
You are only here to prove that women can have secretaries too.
This pamphlet contains information on how to recognize and survive sexism in the wild.
Every day, women are minimized, degraded, and condescended to.
Just look at what happened to Anne Hathaway.
- Who's Anne Hathaway? - Exactly.
Today, as we walk through the mall, we will identify any forms of sexism you see at play.
Follow me.
[GASPS.]
Shh.
We don't want to disrupt the natural interaction of things.
Oh, boy, hope your husband's sitting down when he sees - this bill.
- [GASPS.]
Wilderness Gals, what is this an example of? - Friendly banter.
- Mary Louise, no.
- Stereotyping? - That's right! Congrats to my girl Tiffany! You just earned your "Gender Stereotyping" badge.
[GIGGLES.]
Ooh! BOTH: Ooh! Ooh! Girls, sexist jokes like these are made by men of all ages and sizes including this moron, who has a butterface.
Excuse me a "but-his-face.
" Moving on.
[RADICAL ROCK MUSIC.]
Oh, my God.
- Whose house is this? - Hey, hun.
Can you believe it? And Cecelia did the laundry! It turns out the machine wasn't broken.
I was just turning the knob in the wrong direction.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Welcome home.
It's so clean.
You're a miracle worker.
I've been wearing swim bottoms as underwear for a week.
I've got it from here.
There must be dirty bottles somewhere.
Already done and put away.
I find menial tasks meditative.
Thank you.
- I'm speechless.
- [BABY FUSSING.]
Oh, no, no, no, Deb.
I got her.
Hi.
I love you more than anyone In the whole wide world [LAUGHS.]
In the whole wide world No one loves you more than me She's really taken to you, Cecelia.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Thanks, Cecelia.
I got her.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
I should get going.
You want to come home with your Aunt Cecelia.
Yes, you do.
You tell your mommy you're coming home with me.
- You tell her.
- Well, she can't 'cause she doesn't speak, so bye.
[DRAMATIC FLAIR.]
God, she is a dream, right? Today, we are in the belly of the beast: - the hardware section.
- Ooh.
Where's Tim "The Toolman" Taylor? - Oh, oh, oh! - Mary Louise, knock it off.
No other location in history has been more inhospitable to women besides Matt Lauer's office.
Ladies, consult your pamphlets, as we are about to see some extremely toxic behavior.
Excuse me.
What can I help you with, sweetheart? - I need a circular saw.
- Actually, you're gonna want to go with a table saw.
It's a lot less skill required and it's easier for someone like you to operate it.
- Girls.
- Mansplaining, two counts.
He doesn't know your expertise level and he used the word "actually.
" Yes, Nancy.
Mary Louise, badge her.
[VOCALIZING.]
[GIGGLES.]
This is something you'll have to endure your entire lives whether you're in an Uber, a Jiffy Lube, or Congress.
Moving on.
Bye.
[SNOOTY MUSIC.]
Oh, why thank you.
And keep 'em coming.
[WHISPERING.]
I'm back.
Hey, Ms.
Watson.
We can set up over there by the veranda.
- Okay.
- Caroline Watson.
Oh! I haven't seen you in forever.
I thought you were dead.
[LAUGHS.]
Not dead, Lil.
Alive and loving it.
I'm sorry I haven't been around.
I've just been so busy lately.
Mimi said your funds were all tied up in your father's trial and you couldn't afford this place anymore.
[LAUGHS.]
Whaaat? Well, as luck would have it, we are down a fourth at our bridge table.
- Care to pop on? - Would I ever.
Caroline's in! What about my tutoring session? Not now, kid.
I need this.
Hey, can I be really dumb for a second? Of course.
Chelsea's dumb all the time and that never stops her from talking.
[GASPS.]
Cecelia's been really helpful but she keeps singing to Hagatha that she loves her more than anyone else in the world and calling her "my baby.
" - It's kind of creeping me out.
- Oh, that's totally normal.
My au pair used to call me "ma petite enfante.
" Yeah, I wouldn't worry.
When I was at the mall with Chelsea, I told three different babies I'd eat them right up, but I'd never eat a baby.
Yeah, yeah, you're you're probably right.
I'm just so tired it's hard to tell - what's real anymore.
- Hey! I've been thinking about Hag all day.
Can't wait to see my baby tonight.
I got her a new passie.
I watch a lot of Lifetime movies never let a woman in a caftan take a power position in your home.
They'll end up sleeping with your husband, nursing your baby, and killing you.
[SINISTER CHILDREN'S MUSIC.]
[BELL RINGING.]
Ms.
Watson? I won't need you to tutor me anymore.
I applied to Chiswell Academy and my mom says I'm a shoe-in.
Oh.
Well, congratulations, Preston.
This an excellent school.
[DEVIOUS MUSIC.]
I just wanted to call and say that I think Preston would be a wonderful addition to Chiswell.
He's made such great strides this year.
He hasn't bitten me in so long that you can barely see the scars, and it's been at least two weeks since he's defecated out of anger.
The time-out cage has been a godsend.
I'd recommend a Taser, though.
[FUNKY ROCK MUSIC.]
Okay, my queens, it's time to accessorize.
Chelsea, I've learned so much this week and, well, I was just wondering - You can take a badge.
- [SQUEALS.]
Uh, girls girls, please.
Play nice, all right? All this running around's not very ladylike.
[GASPS.]
What kind of sexism was that? Um, nothing? It came from a woman.
- Women can't be sexist.
- Wrong.
Menopause Molly's comment was a micro-aggression, and a perfect example of internalized misogyny.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Maybe the worst offense - of all.
- How dare you.
How dare you? Why don't you go up to Eileen Fisher? I think it's on the fourth floor.
- [GIRLS GIGGLE.]
- Ma'am.
- Ow.
- [GASPS.]
- My ankle.
- Oh, no.
Nancy, are you okay? Can you put weight on it? No, it hurts worse than the micro-aggressions! - Oh, no.
- What do we do? I don't know, Tiffany.
I don't know.
We should have brought the Wilderness Gals manual! Well, we didn't! It's at my apartment stretching out my Caché tops.
Everyone stop panicking! If she can't stand on it, it might be broken.
- Mansplainer! - Uh, actually, I'm a doctor.
Enough with the "actuallys"! I really think you need to get her to a hospital Yeah, no means no, so go.
GIRLS: Yeah.
- Damn it.
Okay.
Think, Chelsea, think.
[GASPS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, yes.
- [GIRLS MURMURING.]
- Oh, my gosh.
I've got this! - There we go.
- [WEEPING.]
- I've got you, girl! - Yes, Chelsea, yes.
[WEEPING.]
Oh, my gosh.
She's amazing.
There.
I did it.
It's a splint! [LAUGHING.]
That's my little girl.
Good girl, good girl.
Oh, my God! Are you breastfeeding my baby? What? No, of course not.
- I was just holding her.
- I'm sorry.
I think I just need a moment.
[SINISTER MUSIC.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Pull it together, Deb.
Hey, Cecelia, I apologize Cecelia? Cecelia! Cecelia! Give me back my baby! We were just getting some fresh air.
But if you prefer, we can stay in and watch a movie.
Yes! - That would be great.
- I think "Risky Business" is on Netflix.
I just love Rebecca De Mornay.
I love you more than anyone [ECHOING.]
In the whole wide world In the whole wide world After the incident at Helm's Department Store, it has come to my attention that while we are "rock stars" at identifying problematic behavior, we do need to learn other survival skills.
So today I'm gonna show you how to start a fire using the mirror from your Urban Decay eye palette.
Actually, that's not effective.
I knew girls couldn't do anything without makeup.
- Hey, cut it out.
- Mansplaining! What you just said was condescending.
And let me tell you why you shouldn't talk - to women that way.
- Calm down, okay? Are you kidding me? - Oh, I am not calming down.
- Wow, these girls really know how to stand up for themselves.
Whatever you're doing, it's working.
Did you hear I made a splint using a high heel? - Hmm.
- I'm basically a hot MacGyver.
MacGyver rocks.
He's the reason I started traveling with duct tape.
Hey, girl.
- Aww, how's your ankle? - It was broken.
The doctor said if I would have walked around in that splint you made, it would have caused - permanent damage.
- Maybe just read the first aid part of the manual.
Yeah, okay.
Bye, Ms.
Watson.
It's been great having you as a teacher.
Wait, did you get into Chiswell? No, but my mom's pulling me out of Fillmore because she heard I had behavioral issues.
- Oh.
- Meh, it's probably for the best.
I can't relate to the kids here anyway.
Wait, Preston, you can't go.
Can we at least keep in touch? I could visit you at Crescent Ridge.
I don't think so.
My dad says it's best to keep your distance - from the help.
- [GASPS.]
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
[GASPS.]
Door was open, so I let myself in.
I figured you could use some help overnight since she's been so fussy with the colic.
- Let me take her.
- No.
No.
[WHIMPERING.]
Not another word.
Now, you go take a nice long nap.
[FOREBODING MUSIC.]
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
[SINISTER MUSIC.]
Hello, I'm calling for a reference for your former nanny, Cecelia Cannon.
What do you mean, you've never had a nanny by that name? "Cecelia Cannon.
" You don't know her? You've never heard of her? But she has you listed as a reference! [THUNDER CRASHES.]
Hello? [SHAKY BREATHING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
You're not gonna take over my life, you psychotic bitch! - What are you talking about? - Oh, my God! You're [BLEEP.]
her! [SCREAMING.]
- [CHOKING.]
- [GROWLING.]
Deb? Hey, Deb? Deb, you awake? - What happened? - You fell asleep while you were trying to choke out Cecelia.
But she was wearing my clothes, and none of her references had ever heard of her.
I I just got her some of your old clothes - 'cause she was soaking wet.
- And I probably should have mentioned back when I nannied, I went by my Sanskrit name, Bhakti.
[EXCLAIMS.]
I am so sorry, Cecelia.
I can't believe I went all "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" - on you.
- You know, maybe we should consider getting a night nurse.
You know what? That sounds great.
- I do need help.
- Yeah, I can prostitute my talents, pick up some wedding gigs - so we can afford it.
- Aww, thanks, babe.
[MOCK-WHIMPERS.]
Are you okay, Cecelia? I went at you pretty hard.
Yeah, I'm fine! I may not be able to eat solid foods for a few days but it's okay! - Okay, let's review.
- Okay.
"How do you neutralize a snake bite?" - With my own urine.
- No.
"How do you relieve the pain from a jellyfish sting?" - With my own urine.
- No again.
Ah.
"In the absence of water, how can you hydrate yourself?" - With my own urine! - Yes! [SCREAMS.]
[MOANS.]
Oh, thank you so much for helping me.
You're such a hot, sexy, - wilderness man - Uh-huh.
- Who is so smart - [MUFFLED EXCLAMATIONS.]
[BOTH MOANING.]
I'm into this, but for some reason - I really have to pee.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Well.
Actually, that was so good I don't want to wait.
[BOTH MOANING.]